Episode #65 

Coping With The Emotion Of Cancer

The uncertainty and fear surrounding a cancer diagnosis can cause many emotional reactions.

You may feel fear, numbness, uncertainty, anxiety, panic, disconnection from loved ones, loneliness, and many other feelings.

How can you cope with these feelings?

In this vividly personal episode, Dr Julie shares how CBT tools can help you as you navigate the stress of a cancer diagnosis and the resulting treatment.

Click to listen now!

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, and welcome to My CBT Podcast!

My name is Dr. Julie Osborn, I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Thanks for being with me today. This is my third podcast I’m sharing with you when my life has changed significantly since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. And I really can't thank you guys enough for reaching out and all the phenomenal emails I've received and messages through Instagram. Just all of your concerns and prayers have just really been very touching.

And it made a really big difference in giving me that strength and support to keep going through what I'm having to deal with. So let me catch you guys up where I am regarding my life, my treatment. I'm feeling so I hope my voice sounds a little stronger today than maybe my other podcast because I am feeling better. I had my first chemo two weeks ago, so that was an experience, as you can imagine, going into it, just not really knowing how I was going to respond.

Of course, the doctors tell you you could have this and this and this and this a million different symptoms, and it all depends.

I think I felt pretty good going in because I really trust my doctor, doctor, Antonio Castanetta, and I said it was just my angel. And we talked and I spoke up again and I just told him which Kimo I preferred. I had two choices and because of the side effects, was why I picked what I picked. I have to get it once a month. And I think going in that day, I remember my nurse took my blood pressure and she was impressed that my blood pressure wasn't too high because she said, normally, people's first treatments is pretty high, which I can imagine.

But again, I think I really trust my doctor, which is super important for any of you guys going forward with anything in your life. Pay attention. If you don't feel comfortable with your doctor, get somebody else. There's too many of them out there. It's really important, the bedside manner, the fact that they have patience and answer all your questions, you don't feel rushed and you like the answers that they give you.

So listen to your gut, your intuition. And as I start off in my first podcast about this, you want to advocate for yourself and listen to yourself. And don't worry what other people are going to think, or you're going to think they're going to judge you or just listen to the doctor because that's just not the way it is anymore. So that made a big difference for me. And again, I felt comfortable with the chemo I had chosen, and the fact that my surgeon was able to follow me was really helpful.

So I was feeling okay that day. But let me share about what I had to go through to get to that day, because none of it has been easy so once I got out of the hospital and I knew I was going to have to start chemo within about three weeks, I went back to my surgeon for my follow up, and he says, We're going to find you a place to do the chemo that's in your insurance. Chuckle, chuckle and then when you're done with that, you can come back and I'll follow you.

So I said, okay, that's fine. So he did the footwork.

His office did the footwork. They give me a good resource to go to a place I felt comfortable with. Another big University out here in California, and my daughter started making phone calls for me, and we find out that in the area that I live, that particular infusion center does not treat ovarian cancer. And I'd have to go up to Los Angeles, and I'm in Orange County, and I'm like, I am not driving to Los Angeles for chemo when I know my doctor's down here, and I need to get this insurance to authorize for me to see my surgeon, which they call continuation of care, which I talked to a few people that said, you definitely qualify for that, and you should be able to just follow up with your surgeon.

So luckily, before surgery, I had reached out to my insurance to get a case worker.

So that's another tool for all of you that are dealing with, maybe surgeries or medical issues that your insurance company should have a caseworker that will fight for you and get what your needs are. So we found out who that was. Her name is Helen, who's just been wonderful. She's the only person I'm happy with in my insurance company, and she agreed that I should have care. So we had to go back and forth.

I had to get my doctor to sign. It was more like stress, like, really, I just got out of the hospital. I feel terrible. I'm overwhelmed. I'm emotional, I'm physically drained, and I'm having to fight to get the chemo done.

So eventually pushing through and pushing through and having my doctor do what he needed to do. As usual, they finally approved it so I could get the continuation of care. So the joke here is about a week and a half after I had my first treatment, I get a letter from my insurance company saying that the grievance Department, because I filed a grievance, has assessed that my chemo really isn't urgent, and they're going to take 30 days to assess if they're going to approve what I need.

And I was just like, I won't even tell you what I said, but I'm like, really, I don't know if this letter crossed in the mail after I got approved. But the point of it is that as a patient, when you're going through everything I'm going through and whatever anyone goes through, you don't need that kind of letter to have to go deal and make more phone calls, and I didn't even care at that point because I already, like I said, have my first chemo and knew it was approved.

So I called my casework, and I just said, you deal with this. I'm not dealing with it. I don't really care what they think or want. I know what I'm doing. And I got my treatment.

But it's just the inconsistency, the unprofessionalism, that it was like everything I've had to deal with was like a fight, like nothing came easy. So I was really happy. Once again, I got my chemo, okay? And that insurance can do whatever they want. Right.

So again, I really appreciate Helen. She made a huge difference for me. And I feel good about the direction of my treatment now. So just sharing that part with you, you just got to keep advocating. You got to keep speaking up and feeling really strong about what's best for you and keep using those tools.

My CBT tools of catching my hot thoughts, thinking this isn't going to work out. Where am I going to go? My chemo is going to start late. What does that mean? And just say no.

I know what I need to do. I need to rely on my case worker. I need to make the phone calls. It's going to work out. So I didn't let myself get stressed because I need to be calm and heal and be well.

So again, I'm using my CBT tools every single day, every single day. So just to share a little bit with the chemo. So I didn't get the chemo. It wasn't too long, about 3 hours, which wasn't too bad. And the first day I was okay.

Second day, I was okay. We all were kind of excited. And then it hit me on my third day. So I had three days that I was really struggling. I have some perspective about it.

Now, I got to tell you, when I was in the midst of it, it was heavy. I'm like, oh, my God, how much more do I have to endure? When is this going to end? You don't know when you're going to feel better. And it's kind of hard to know when you're putting this poison in your body.

And I'm a pretty healthy person before all of these things happened. I worked out a lot. My weight is normal. And knowing you're putting this in, even though I understand for good reasons, and if there's any cancer, you want to kill it. But it's just so opposite of how we normally want to take care of ourselves and what we put in our bodies.

So you've got to have the trust that it's temporary and anything temporary I can handle. Right? So again, it was tough. My sleeping was tough. I did feel nauseous.

It was tough to eat. I knew I needed to eat because I've been losing weight. And Luckily, I had my husband here with me. Really super patient got me through it. And I just kept praying every day was just going to get a little better.

So when I was in it again, it was hard to have that fight that I know a lot of people talk about, like, I'm going to fight this cancer and screw this cancer. And I was so emotionally drained. I remember saying to my husband like, I don't feel that fighting me, and that makes me nervous. I just feel so exhausted. And it's just one thing after another.

And my story is just that I haven't been able to really process things. Everything was so fast. My symptoms were fast, and I had to fight to get my help. And I got the surgery. Then from surgery, you have to deal with chemo.

It just boom. And then all of a sudden, you're having chemo. And I'm still healing from my surgery. So I think I was just, like, beat down. And I felt like that spark was lost.

I was just, like, in a really tough place. But again, with my husband's support and everybody else's support and love and all the great things that phone calls and emails and letters and all those cards and everything from all of you just got me through it. My one girlfriend bought me this plaque that says, yes, you can. And I'm telling you, I looked at that many times through my chemo, just giving me some extra strength. So obviously, like I said, I did get past it.

I'm feeling better. I started to work a little bit, which is super great. I'm doing some telehealth with clients again, which is great. I love being there for my clients. It's good for me.

And now again, that I have some perspective. Now that I'm passed the chemo, I do feel that fight. I feel a lot stronger. I feel emotionally. I feel that when I have to go through my next one, I'm going to be able to handle it better because I know what to expect and that I know it's important to stay positive.

And my attitude has a huge part in how I'm going to handle everything. But I also have to remember. And I want to remind you guys, and I think I shared this in my other podcast as well that no matter how much support you get, and even though you know, you're going to be okay, because for me, there's nothing more important again that I'm stage one. And I know that I'm going to be fine, that you give yourself that space and that Grace to just deal with the sadness.

Let yourself cry.

If you're feeling a little weak one day emotionally, you know what? It's going to pass. It's okay not to beat yourself up. Sometimes we just got to let ourselves cry. Be sad invent that knowing that you're going to get past it and just being real and authentic with yourself and the people around you whether it's health issues or emotional issues, you don't have to put up a strong front all the time, and you've got to just let yourself feel what you're feeling, figure out what you're thinking and be able to challenge that and be able to get the support that you need.

Another part that's given me a different perspective, too. But I just thought it was important to share because I've been thinking about what things do. I want to share that I'm hoping will make a difference for you guys and not just kind of talking about what I'm going through. So I tend. I'm a short person.

I'm only five, one and a half. I've always been. I guess you can call me petite. My weight has always been pretty normal as an adult, but I've lost, like, £15, which is a lot for me. And I joked around at first saying this was not the way to lose those last £5, right?

We're always trying to lose an extra £5 and I'm not underweight, but it's a big difference. And I've really kind of struggled with my body and how I'm looking and just looking really thin and lost a lot of color. They swim all the time and just kind of accepting where I'm at trying to eat enough. I feel like I'm eating well, but I keep getting on the scale. I'm still losing weight.

I'm like what is going on. And I think a lot of times there's this pressure to just be focused on that, of course, again, my cancers. They got it all out negative regarding my cancer, but I'm doing the treatment for precautionary reasons and to be grateful for that which I am beyond beyond words. I'm grateful. Thank God every day for that.

But I was thinking that I think it's important for all of us to give ourselves again that space, to still be grateful but still deal with the other things that come along with whatever you're dealing with. Right? So with health issues, my body has really changed and I'm not used to it. And I need to just accept again that this is where I'm at, but it's okay. It's not to ignore and say, oh, but you're going to be fine.

That's all you need to focus on is that thank God you're going to be okay. That is, again the big picture. But I needed to give myself space because I'm feeling better about it now that I gave myself time to just kind of be sad, kind of reflect about the changes. I still have my hair. Thank God, because being maybe vain, that was important to me, and there's a good chance with my chemo.

I won't lose it, but my hair is going to get thinner. I can handle that. But to just again take all of that in. And how is my body different? What does that mean for me?

How do I see myself? And if I have a bad moment. That's okay. I'm not going to turn into a day. I'm going to share with people I'm close with how I'm feeling or that it is difficult for me and just kind of be in that space and not deny myself all the feelings and some of the scary thoughts that I have and then be able to say, okay, where are my tools?

Because I'm not going to stay here. But if I didn't address it, I feel like I was lying to myself. I feel like I wasn't honoring me and I wouldn't have been able to get past it, which I have now and be okay with it, because I would have been just like lying to myself. And I think a lot of us do that, especially with their mental health. Most people will say, how are you doing?

I'm fine, I'm fine. And then someone goes and might commit suicide and everyone's like, oh my God. They said they were fine. What's going on? We're just not honest with ourselves and with our loved ones, because I think we worry too much about how people will perceive us if we'll be judged and we want to make everyone else feel better.

I know. I said one of my podcasts earlier, too, that people say how you doing. Of course they want me to say, oh, I'm good because it makes them feel better, which I understand. I've been in that position with other people, and I was just like, I'm going to be honest. If I'm not feeling great, I'm going to be honest and tell them that it's not my job to make them feel better.

I have to take care of myself and they can take care of themselves as well and that they will start hearing me say, I feel better. A lot of people say you sound better, but I need to be honest more than ever and authentic with me and the people around me. And when I can be more authentic with people around me, I also can get my emotional needs met because then they can give me the support I need. If I just say I'm fine, okay? And they go off and do their thing, and I'm still sitting here not doing fine.

So ask yourself, are you being honest first with yourself? How are you doing? Are you struggling? And if you are, find at least one person you can share that with, maybe say, I haven't been honest with myself or with you because I don't want to make you feel bad. Or I didn't want to really acknowledge how I was doing because it's scary.

I don't know what to do, right. We all go through so many things. I think that my experience for me has put a spotlight on having to really be honest and not just always say that I'm fine. I'm good. I can handle it.

No problem. I don't need your help. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine because I know people find strength when they're rather people they see as strong, and that feels good, right? I don't have to worry about Julie.

I don't have to worry about this person, that person because they're strong and not that I'm not strong and not that I won't handle this well and my strengths are still there. I didn't lose them. I just have to reach out and grab onto them a little more right now. But I also have to let the people that want to be there for me and give them a chance to be there for me and for us to all walk through this together so that at the end we're all going to be stronger, not just me but my family and the people that are close to me.

And I'm hoping that maybe if I'm honest, that other people will be honest with themselves and see that it's okay and that we can get through this and that we got the tools because we got CBT and we have tools on how to handle all of these negative thoughts that make us feel scared and insecure and less than and how we see ourselves.

Right. So that's my message. I really want to send you guys now that I got a long road ahead. Still, I need to do a minimum of three Chemos and a maximum of six. I'm hoping for the less depends how obviously my numbers are and all of that.

But I think I might be able to find out through the first one the way I did, I'll be able to handle the rest. But again, we'll see how things go and again telling myself this is temporary, I can handle it and that there's an end to all of this. Also a little follow up on my leg, my legs improving. It's still not working as I needed to. It's still numb.

My quadricep still won't fire, but I'm using the walk or less, which is really great. I'm feeling more confident. I'm working really hard every day and I'm going to start seeing PT outside of my home now because they can do more things for me. My PT person, Briana, was great and really helped me along the way, and it is getting better. And again, that's going to be another slow process.

And I've accepted that now because I really know that I'm going to get better and I'm going to get to that point and all of this is going to be just a memory in my life and an experience, and I need to be okay with that. So I can have that strength within to deal with anything else that comes up and being positive and having a good attitude. I know it's really important dealing with health issues, dealing with mental health issues. So I'm going to get back to where I was and I just need to know this is a small time in my life and for any of you that are struggling, it doesn't mean you're going to be depressed or anxious forever or whatever you're dealing with, you're not going to be alone forever.

There's so many things you can do for yourself to get well, and the sooner you address your fears and figure out what your thoughts are and what your behaviors are that aren't healthy and create a good network for yourself and support.

The sooner you can get better as well, too. I always have clients like, how long is this going to take? And my answer is always the same. It depends how much work you put into it, and that's my answer for me. How well am I going to handle this?

It depends how much work I put into it. And now I'm working really hard because I see I can get to the other side and I'm going to have some crappy days, but I'll get past those. And in the long run, it's going to be what's best for me. Right? So again, having perspective has really been helpful, and I need to keep using my tools that I preach to you guys because they work.

I need to assess where I'm at. I need to use my support network. I need to be honest with my support, and I need to honor myself. And I need to do what's best for me on a daily basis on an hour basis, on a minute basis. So I hope what I've shared today has been helpful for whatever any of you guys are going through.

You're all strong. You're all courageous. The fact that we get up every day and we put 1ft in front of the other just shows you how courageous and brave and strong that you are and don't ever question that. Sometimes we have to go deep to get that place right and to feel strong. And sometimes it's right there for us.

And sometimes someone just holds her hand and kind of walks us through it. But we can get back to where we want to be. And again, if you have a bad day, I still have my meltdowns at my moments. My husband has been really patient because I know there's moments I've been short when that's not normally who I am, but because I'm just dealing with everything. It comes out.

I go back, I make an amendment. I apologize. I'm trying to do better, but I'm not going to beat myself up for it under the circumstances. I need to give myself some Grace there. And the same with you.

You have a bad day. You know what? Just get started. As soon as you realize I need to get back on track. I'm not using my tools.

I'm not being the way that I want to be. What is it that I need for myself right now so I can get back to who I want to be and to become strong and be emotionally strong? So I can feel good about where I am in my life and how I am with everybody else in my life as well. So take care of yourself emotionally, physically. Don't stop practicing the tools that I've taught you guys.

When you have your negative mood, ask yourself what you're thinking and identify your hot thoughts. Those thoughts that are not 100% true. Look at your behaviors. What is it I could be doing that I'm not doing? Am I really practicing good self care?

And I'm being honest with myself and I being honest with the people around me. And if you can do all of those things, you're going to be okay and you're going to get to where you want to be and that's true for all of us. So in my future podcast, I'm going to get back to some topics that you guys have requested for me to talk about, which is great. I promise to keep you updated on how I'm doing again. It's just once a month and I have to do my chemo.

My next one I actually picked on my birthday. I thought it was crazy, but the fact that I feel good the first day and hopefully the next day like I did last time, I thought at least I could feel good on my birthday. If I do it too early, I won't feel good on my birthday. And I want to celebrate feeling good that day. So that's the best decision for me.

And that's what I made for myself. So I'm just taking it one day at a time and I'm not thinking too much about my next treatment. I'm just going to enjoy each day and feel stronger and be grateful that I can do more and that my body's healing and having positive thinking. Balancing out my thoughts is going to help me heal better as well. So please reach out again.

Give me your feedback. Any questions and ways I can help you guys? I'm here for you. We're going to get through all this together. We're going to be stronger and you always want to remember.

My mantra is: Make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.

So one last time, I just want to say I'm grateful and humbled by all the support everyone has given me. I'm glad I can be of service and I'm glad that my experience can help you as well. Advocate, advocate, advocate, don't take no for an answer. Listen to your body whether it's emotionally or physically and demand that you get the services and the care that you need because you deserve it and you're important.

So that's it for today. I hope it's been helpful.

Again, you can email me at MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com.

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Reach out to me on Facebook, my Instagram, and my website. There's a lot of good information on there as well about CBT and different tools.

Take care until we meet again.

Bye!