Episode #108

Accepting Yourself Using CBT

Seeing the truth of who you are and identifying areas you want to change can be very challenging.

It takes courage and self-awareness to make these changes.

How can cognitive behavioral therapy help you do this?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share how you can tap into the power of CBT to become the person you want to be.

Click to listen now!

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, welcome to My CBT Podcast! This is Dr. Julie. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

Thanks for being with me. As always, I wanted to start off with a really wonderful email I received from a listener. He gave me permission to share his name as well as the email. His name is Raleigh.

He says,

“Hi, Dr. Julie. My name is Raleigh. I'm a 28-year old Moroccan man who's been living in Montreal, Quebec for the last 12 years. I started listening to your podcast about three weeks ago. The reason why I started looking for the information about CBT is I had recently put an end to the therapy I was in for multiple reasons, the main two being that I felt like we were at a stop progress wise and my finances were getting a bit too tight. I learned a great deal about myself in the last year or so. After the tough years we all went through during COVID, having lost my job in hospitality, gone through a very tough breakup right before the first quarantine hit, and many more challenges.

“I felt like there was a growing need for me to actively work towards healing my old wounds, and that is when therapy was the answer. The main benefits I got from it was finding out about my ADHD and the understanding that during these tough battles I had to face, I did what I could with what I had. However, even though I kept trying to convince myself of this fact, I could never fully believe it. When I listened to your podcast about forgiveness, I found a way to structure my thoughts and emotions regarding my shortcomings, specifically in the relationship I lost with the woman I loved dearly and was able to go down the path of forgiveness with the right tools. Yesterday, I wrote a letter to her where I acknowledged the pain that I caused her, apologizing from the bottom of my heart about it, but also cherishing the memories we had together and promising I would honor them by striving to do good within and around me. They felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe easier almost immediately. For that, Dr. Julie, I wanted to thank you dearly.

“I've been fighting with these negative emotions for the last three years, almost daily, without ever being able to make the slightest bit of progress. And now I feel at peace for the first time. The one thing that still remains is that ever so tiny bit of disappointment or apprehension, should I say, that even though I sent her that letter via email, which had been no contact until then on my request, knowing that I shouldn't expect any response from her, deep down, I know I would love any type of feedback on her end. I guess my question to you is how do I take this one last step and go past this feeling? Again, I'm extremely grateful for the tremendous work you put in to help all of us get our lives back together and truly our gift to this world.

Kindest regards, Raleigh.”

Thank you so much, Raleigh, for your kind words and sharing all of that. I wanted to share back with you guys because I thought it was a really good question. I want to share how I responded to him. Really good question about forgiveness.

In his example, he sends a letter of forgiveness to his ex, and he is like, I'd like to hear from her, but how does he get past that? So I just shared with him that I was obviously very happy my podcast has been helpful, and that forgiveness is a very important part of his journey. And I was touched how he was able to express himself. I said, I also understand the hope of a response. So my suggestion is to be able to take the last steps is to remember what your intentions were. You sent the letter making amends for the past, not for a response. And I thought that doing a thought record about his thoughts that were creating any negative moods and identifying which ones were hot thoughts and challenging them can be very helpful to move on from the place he's at. I know I've reminded you guys often, but my podcast on the ABCs of CBT walks you through an entire thought record. I also wanted to share with him that I think that making an amends to his ex was a very spiritual act that allows him to be present and not expecting a response or having any negative feelings is exactly what his intention was in writing the letter in the first place.

To be selfless and letting her know you can own your part and move on. I told him to give himself time and that I think he'll be okay. From all the personal work that he had done before, obviously, he's very courageous and a very strong man, and for him to give himself grace and self compassion that he deserved. I think we touched on a lot of things. He talked about when he realized his therapy wasn't what he needed and he wasn't moving forward. He was able to find out he has ADHD, which is great. A lot of people.

Don't realize that that's what's going on. Also talking about forgiveness is always a great subject to explore for yourself, whether it's forgiving yourself or forgiving someone else are both really important, I think, to really being able to move on places you're really feeling stuck. I do have a podcast on forgiveness as well, if you want to check that out. Signs we think, not that we think, we are doing a lot of work and we're getting better and we're getting better and we're just like, God, I'm still stuck. I'm not sure where to go. Maybe I've accepted the situation, but have you really forgiven yourself or the person that may be affected the situation or how you're feeling about yourself? That might be a step that you haven't thought about yet. Again, forgiveness. He happened to send a letter, but a lot of times doing a forgiveness letter, which is in the Mind over Mood book in chapter 15, it's a great outline to get started. It's not something you even share with the other person. You don't have to go and say, Oh, by the way, I forgive you. He was asking for forgiveness. But if you're forgiving somebody, that's a personal journey for yourself.

If you want to share it based on maybe the circumstances, but the goal is for you to process and let go and to forgive, doesn't mean forget, but to forgive, so you're not carrying that burden anymore. So don't think about like, Oh, if I do this, I have to go tell them. I have to share it with them. You don't have to do that at all. This was Raleigh's journey, and he wanted to make it in men's and send out the forgiveness, which was wonderful. But it's really for yourself, so you don't feel stuck. Then again, what we addressed in his email is he did the right thing. He was glad he did the right thing for himself. Then he was like, Oh, it'd be nice to hear. But I'm really glad he reached out because I'm glad I was able to give him that direction of always going back, What were my intentions? It wasn't to hear back. It was to let her know that I'm owning my stuff and now he can move on further and let go of any of the negative emotions he's carrying. Just a lot of good stuff to think about.

A lot of good pointers he brought up in his email. Again, I appreciate him sending that to me and sharing that really personal information and allowing me to share it with you because I think we can all grow and learn from each other. And it's always keep sending in your emails, your questions, suggestions. I'm always reading all of them and I always respond when you have questions to me. So I love having that interaction with you guys and I think it makes the podcast really special. So I really wanted to share that email today too because it also flows into something I heard recently that I thought, oh, this would be a great subject for us to talk about. I was listening to a Sunday show I like. It's called CBS Morning with Jane Polly, and she had interviewed an author. Her name is Isabel Allende, A LL, ENDA. She's written a lot of books. Personally, I had not heard of her before, but it was really great interview. And what she said really resonated with me, and I wanted to share it with you. So when Jane Polly asked her, how does she think her books affect people and if they change people?

And she said, I don't change people. I just help them realize who they are. I'm going to read it one more time. I don't change people. I just help them realize who they are. And for me, personally as a therapist, that was really powerful because there's so much truth in that. And that's what I wanted to talk to you about today. So what is the truth in that is I don't change people because I am powerless over people. I give suggestions, I teach tools, I maybe create an action plan and help somebody figure out what the next step is. There's many times that my clients, especially when we finish therapy, are very grateful and they give me all the credit. I'm like, No, you have to take the credit. You did the work. I'm here coaching you along, helping you get to some deeper insight that maybe you wouldn't have been able to get to on your own, learning the tools, all the things that we work together in therapy and help my clients get to the place that they want to be and they're striving for because it's all about their goals. What they think is best for them, what they want to change in their life.

And that through the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I help my clients realize who they are. So when we're doing, say, a thought record, and we're using the questions, the mind over mood about saying, What does this mean about you? Your life, your future? What's the worst thing can happen? Questions like that really help us get to the underlying hot thoughts. Remember, our hot thoughts are thoughts that are not 100 % true. Those are the thoughts that really are feeding our negative moods. When we're able individually to really understand, what are my underlying hot thoughts that are really causing me my distress in my life? Whatever that might be, if it's feeling ashamed, guilty, depressed, anxious, insecure, vulnerable, whatever it is that's making us feel distressed and not being able to live the life and be the person we want to be. We got to figure out, who am I? So in that quote where she says, I don't change people, I just help them realize who they are, is I think a couple of things. I think a lot of times we really do know who we are and what's important to us, but we're afraid to express that because of the hot thoughts that we have of how other people will react to us, or they don't want to hear it, or they're not going to respond in a positive way or not respect it.

So we hold back and just go along to maybe even fit in. So we realize who we are, but we're not always courageous enough to be who we are for many reasons, and they're understandable. And that's what you can work through using the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tools is understanding that. And then sometimes working through our thoughts and understanding and figuring out our core beliefs that we believe about ourselves or others or the world also helps us realize who we are. I have many, many experiences with clients. Also for myself, I'd say when I worked on my core beliefs is that we don't even realize what we believe about ourselves, but we're just acting out in a way to deal with our life and to deal with that distress. So I share in the podcast that core beliefs that my core belief was, I felt that I believed that I was bound to be abandoned because I was emotionally abandoned when my mom and my dad got divorced. My mom moved far away and I got to see her once a year. My strategy for that was instead of worrying and being that I'm going to be abandoned, my distress, I used it as a way of trying to be this perfect girlfriend when I went out with people and I didn't attract healthy people because it wasn't coming from a good place.

But I couldn't figure any of that out. I was like, Why does this keep repeating? What am I doing wrong? And then my own therapist helped me get to the issue that, Oh, it's not about them. It's about me carrying around this belief and how it came out. So I needed help to realize who I was. And if I wasn't okay with who I was and my belief system, I could change that so I could become the person I wanted to be. But I wasn't figuring it out on my own because I didn't have the tools. And I was grateful that I had a therapist that kept pushing and pushing. And I was like, No, that's not true. I'm fine. I had a great childhood, yada yada yada. And she kept saying, I don't know, Julie, your mom leaving. You're eight years old, that had affect you, that had to affect you. That had to affect you. And finally, my light bulb went off. I was willing to sit with that because that was a very painful place to go to. So I think most of us avoid those deep places. If our life is going okay, then we keep going.

What I find with a lot of clients that I work with is that they come in where I say they're drowning, right? They can't breathe, think about your nose under the water. And then they get a couple of tools, or they're able to just even vent and get some support from me. And they can feel like they're starting to, quote, breathe again. And they're like, I'm good. I'm good enough. And they stop therapy and they never really get to the issues, the underlying issues, and really learn the tools fully. I have many clients, and I understand that it is definitely a discipline and a commitment you need to make to yourself when you do therapy to really learn the tools well enough to use them. Again, a lot of people just, Oh, okay, I understand what I'm thinking. Okay, well, that's not true. So I'm just going to move on. And what they end up doing is going to positive thinking. Instead of really learning the CBT tools, which is what are your hot thoughts? The thoughts aren't 100 % true. And then challenging those and saying, What evidence do I have that they're true?

What evidence do I have they're not true? Helping to identify your core beliefs. They're so significant in your life. And how do I change them? What would I want my new core belief to be? So now I don't go through my life with this fear of being abandoned. And if I believe that I am lovable and I'm good enough in my relationships, then I can be myself because now I'm not running on fear, which I didn't even know I was doing, but I definitely was. So it takes work. It's painful, yes. There's tears involved. It's not always comfortable. But don't fool yourself that it's not coming out in other ways in your life. A lot of people are afraid to come into therapy because they're like, saying the words out loud makes it more real, which I understand. But trust me, it's coming out somewhere else, whether you have physical symptoms like chronic headaches or upset GI issues, back problems, continuous poor relationships, being codependent, not being able to set good boundaries, using alcohol, food, drug, sex, sleep as ways to cope. So if things aren't going in your life well, going to therapy is only going to help if you're really committed because you just don't get through life because you don't say things out loud.

It comes out in other ways and affects you. I always work with clients that when they're having the physical issues, I always say, Go get your medical checkup, make sure it's not medical. But a lot of times people are like, Oh my God, this is all stress. I can't believe that my body could do this to me just based on stress, but it's really true. So once you realize that going to therapy is that no one's going to change you unless you want to change. But your therapist can help you help you realize who you really are, be authentic, and live the life that you want and that you deserve. I just love that analogy again because... Or that quote, I should say, because I do believe when we're honest with ourselves, we know who we are, what are our values, who do we want to be. And it's hard. We have so many stressors in life, so many messages that we're given on how you should be, how you should look, how you should think, how you should feel. Why do we avoid talking about, which is good, but say religion and politics with people is because most people don't just sit back and say, Oh, okay, I can see why you think that way or feel that way or based on your experiences.

But no, they come at us and tell us why it's wrong and why we should, right? Scolding us why we should think or feel differently, right? So even though it is a good thing that you don't have to share everything with others, and it's not about having conflict, right? But why do we avoid that, really, is because of the feedback we're going to get. So again, it's just an example of all the messages we get that it's not okay who we are. So then we don't even take the time to figure out, maybe who am I? Maybe I should be the way they tell me to be. Maybe how I am isn't okay. If that's the messages, maybe you got negative messages like that when you were growing up from your parents, right? Don't think like that. Don't be like that. Just be quiet. Don't share your feelings. Just go along. Just understand your dad had a tough day. That's why he's being mean or saying mean things to you. It'll pass. We're just given so many negative messages and not honoring who we are and not having other people honor who we are, even as children.

And we just say, Well, that's just the way it works. So that's how I've learned to get along. So if you're sick and tired of being sick and tired and now wanting that and give yourself permission, then it's time for me to be who I am and to go figure out maybe who that is because I don't even know. Because as I was saying before, usually people don't know what their negative core beliefs are. And when they do figure them out, it can be very emotional because it's really sad to think, I think that negatively about myself. I just didn't even realize it because these strategies I've been using for years, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years have really worked, and now they're not anymore. So that can be really a tough, painful place. And I think that's why working with a therapist to get there, you can have somebody that really empathize and honor where you are and help you understand that that makes sense that you actually think that. It made sense that I thought I was bound to be abandoned, right? That made sense. So it's not shaming myself. It's just like, Oh, okay.

But you know what? That doesn't work for me, and that's not my truth. And I needed someone to help me realize that. So they didn't change me. They helped me realize who I was, and then I could make the change with a good, supportive environment and someone to give me some direction because I didn't know where to go with that. I want that even look like and help me be comfortable with being that vulnerable in my relationships and setting boundaries and seeing unhealthy people coming towards me and turning the other way instead of bringing them in and thinking, Oh, I can change them and make everything wonderful. So I don't have to lie to myself for anybody else. And then better things came in my life, and things worked out better for me, and I'm grateful today for that. And I don't ever forget that because even my negative core belief can sometimes have little moments where I get triggered. And that's like, oh, abandonment stuff comes up. And then I just say, Nope, that was my old stuff. I've worked through that. I'm not going to focus on that anymore because it was so ingrained in me for so many years that I can honor it still and know that it's still going to be a part of me on some level.

That my brain is going to go back there because it's just remembering all of that for so many years. I just trained my brain to believe that it's okay that it comes up because that's normal, but I can smash it down like that Whac amal, I always say, game. Nope, not going there. That's the old stuff. I'm in a healthy relationship. I have good friends. My family relationships are healthy. I don't have to worry about being abandoned. So I can be my authentic self and have authentic relationships and feel loved and be there for other people as well because I'm not worrying about my own stuff. So I hope you'll give yourself permission and you'll write this quote down, right? That nobody's going to change me, but they're going to help me realize who I am so I can be me. I deserve to be me 100 %, and I can find people in my life that will support that. And maybe you'll even be a good role model for somebody. Maybe somebody will say, You know what? I need to figure out who I am. I need to realize who I am because I'm not being my authentic self.

Why do I have so much dysfunction going on in my life? And it's so repetitive and it's not getting better. So a lot of layers here I know I'm talking about. And I thought it was important to share, made me excited that I wanted others to hear this when I heard this from this author. And I appreciated her. I thought it was really humble to understand that it's not about us having this power to change people, but it's this ability to give insight, right? That look at yourself in this way or understand this different and you'll say, Oh, that's actually me. That's who I want to be. How can I take the steps to get there? And as always, using the CBT tools will help you get there. Because I first needed to understand, what was I thinking that made me feel fearful and helped me understand that underlying, I was really afraid of being abandoned by others. And that was just controlling everything in my life and my choices. So I need to always remember that when I'm having negative moods, even if it's a little bit, doesn't have to be a big episode, a big event, any negative mood I have, I'm always asking myself, Okay, Julie, what are you thinking about?

What are you thinking? If it's a hot thought and I look for the evidence for and against it, and I come up with a more balanced thought, and then I can go forward with that, right? So what's my behavior change then? I might have to go talk to somebody, or I might have to make better decisions for myself, right? Or I need to use my own mantra to make decisions based on what's best for me, not how I feel. But I can't just do that out of nowhere. I need to understand what am I thinking? What am I believing that's getting in the way of me living my best life and being my authentic self and always realizing who I am. Because that's always a process. You're not done realizing who you are. I'm always going to be having new experiences with being myself, being a woman, being a wife, being a mom, being a friend, a sister, co worker, therapist. I'm always growing, which I want to. So I'm always going to be realizing, oh, that's how I want to think about things. Or I really do think that way, and I haven't really expressed it.

So it's ongoing, but there's a good foundation to have these positive core beliefs that you know that you're lovable, that you're good enough, that you're smart, that you're capable, that you're valuable. Whatever those core beliefs are that you need to change into positive core beliefs, that will give you the foundation to be able to do all the work and to give you the courage to get there. So I hope you got a little excited, as I did hearing this new quote, to live by. Maybe it'll give you the strength to go into therapy if you haven't done that yet, or share with somebody that's close to you and not be afraid that someone's here just to change you because the message is you're not okay how you are, which is not true. You have to figure out if you're not okay with who you are and then just be vulnerable and be willing to ask for guidance. And as always, you can get started with the Mind Over Mood book and hopefully listening to my podcast, look up my other titles in my podcast. There's other titles my clients shared. And as listeners, you guys have said, I've listened to this one, I've listened to that one.

That was so helpful. You got a little tidbit here you can hold on to. And just learning the CBT tools, it can just be life changing. I practice what I preach. I don't teach you guys anything I don't use on a daily basis.

As always, thanks for taking the time to listen. You guys know where you can find me at my website at my cognatebehavioraltherapy.com.

You can follow me on Instagram at My CBT Podcast, Dr. Julie Osborn on Facebook, and you can write to me at mycbt podcast@gmail.com.

So keep sharing your thoughts, your concerns, your questions. As always, I love hearing from you guys and getting feedback.

Please pass this on along to others who might find it helpful. I always appreciate also reviews on the Apple reviews. It really helps get the podcast out to more people and allows other people to be interested and listen.

And again, my intention is just to get this out to as many people in the world because I really think and believe that when we have these CBT tools, we can be better people and we can be happier and make the world a better place.

Have a great week and remember to make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.