Episode #140

Are You Happy?

Happiness comes and goes; no one is happy all the time.

Do you feel generally happy and content?

Are you living the life you want to live?

What can you do if you’re not?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I talk about how to articulate the life you want and how to achieve it.

Click to listen now!

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, it's Dr. Julie from My CBT Podcast. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

Welcome and thanks for being here with me. So today, I am doing this podcast on August 20th, which is a significant day for me because it's my third year being cancer free. So a day to celebrate. Very grateful, I'm very grateful. And if you haven't listened to my journey with my cancer, you can listen to my podcast. They're called When Everything Falls Apart, Part One, Part Two. And then I also did one called The Emotions of Cancer. So it was Quite a journey getting the help I needed. That was one of the most difficult parts, and then came everything else. But once I had my surgery and got my doctor set up, things went forward, and I worked really hard to get well, and I worked really hard to well. So I just wanted to share that good news with you, and I'm just super grateful that I'm still here to talk with you guys and to live my life.

So that's what helped me come up with today's podcast that I just wanted to ask you to ask yourself if you're happy. Now, happiness is something that comes and goes. I don't expect everyone to be happy all the time. I think people that are happy all the time can actually be a little annoying. But we're looking to be content and in general, happy, right? To really ask yourself. I think we all get caught up in the day, and we don't really think about, Am I happy? What am I doing? I just get up, I do this, I do the next designated thing, and not really thinking about, Am I living the life that I want to live? And there's lots of different areas in our lives for us to focus on and think about. So I thought this would be a really good question to ask yourselves, because I was asking myself this the other day, knowing today was coming and thinking, Wow, it's three years. And just remembering, even yesterday was in the evening, I had to fight and fight and fight to get someone to help me. And I got admitted to the hospital last night.

And just thinking about all that time was really difficult. I usually get really emotional the week before. And then today I feel a lot better. So I was asking myself the same question, are you happy? Are you happy, Dr. Julie, with the life that you have today? So I wanted to I'll start off by sharing a quote from Binay Brown, pretty famous author and lecturer, if you've heard of her. She says, Deny your story and be defined by it your whole life, or own your story and you get to write the ending. I love that when I heard that years ago, and I thought this would be a good little quote to start our talk today. So when she says, Deny the story, your story, and be defined by it your whole life, means that if you don't honor yourself and you're not authentic and you don't look at your issues and work on your past traumas and difficult times in your life, you will be defined by it your whole life because it will control you. And what I mean by that is if you listen to my podcast on core beliefs, which is our core beliefs about ourselves.

Mine was that I was bound to be abandoned. Others have that I'm not good enough. I don't deserve it. I'm not worthy. I'm inadequate. I'm needy. I'm different. These are all different core beliefs you can have about yourself that will define your life, even if it's unconscious, how you think, how you act, the choices you make. Or if you own your story by saying, Yeah, these are my issues, and I need to work on them so I can be healthier and happier, right? You get to write the ending. What is your life going to look like? If you get to write the ending of your life, what is your life going to look like? What is your story going to be? So instead of saying, I'm a trauma victim or I was traumatized by this, and that's just the way it goes. This is just who I am. I can't do anything about it. It happened so long ago. I'm stuck feeling this way. These are things I hear all the time with my clients. Then that's exactly how your life will be. You will be stuck, and you will be defined by it. But when you own your story and say, Yeah, I am a trauma victim.

I have gone through major losses in my life. I have gone through illnesses, difficulty or relationships, just financial issues, whatever it is your story has been, if you can own it and say, Those were all difficult times, and those really affected me, but I don't want them to affect me. I don't want them to control my life. I don't want them to affect the choices I make. I I don't want them to be why I think the way I do. I don't want them to feed into my hot thoughts and then create negative moods that run my life and then have negative behaviors that get in the way of my life. All the CBT stuff I talk to you guys about all the time, your thoughts create your moods, which affects your behaviors and your physical reactions, and then your environment that you're in. So all of your environments we want to look at and say, are you happy with the life you have regarding your career, regarding maybe if you're going to school, if you're in a relationship, your relationships with family, extended family, friends. What about your health? Are you happy with that?

Are you taking care of yourself? What about your financial health? There's so many areas that you can look at. You might say, Oh, yeah, I'm really happy at work. But are you really happy with the relationships you have in your life? I could be really happy at work, but I'm not really happy how I take care of myself. Or I have all these health issues I keep ignoring, and I hope they're just going to go away. Or I know I should go to the doctor to get checked out for something. Maybe there's some family history or I've had some nagging pain, but I don't want to get any bad news, so I'm just avoiding it. But all of these things I'm talking about, and I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg, can get in the way of you really being happy. And that's what I want you just ask yourself, Am I happy in general with my life? And maybe there are parts you are, which is great, but if there are parts you aren't, let's delve into that and figure out how to make some changes. So let me talk about career first.

So I meet people often that are in very successful careers. They went to a lot of college. They have worked very hard to get to where they are, and they might even be making a lot of money, but they are not happy, and they feel stuck, and it's overwhelming to think about making a change. I met somebody recently that is successful and does well and thought they'd always do what they're doing, even though they're super bored. And then they had a life-changing experience, and they found the courage to say, You know what? I need to go do something else. I don't want to sit behind this desk doing this work for the rest of my life, and I don't want to be caught up in the big paycheck that I because that obviously isn't making me happy, and it's not helping me enjoy what I do anymore. It's nice, but I want to feel fulfilled. I want to feel good about what I do. I want to be happy. And it's a really scary thing to make that career change. It's never too late. I've met people in all ages make changes that I've even been like, wow, you're changing careers at 40, 50 years old.

And people do it because they find the courage to say, I'm going to follow that passion I have. And they create an environment where they can do that. So I know everyone can't do this, but it's just something I want you to think about. If you're thinking about going into a career, if you're young and you're starting college, are you doing what you want to do or what your family told you you should do? Or did your family say, Oh, you'd be really good at this. You should do this. Are you going towards a degree that will make you happy, that you will be fulfilled, that you will feel like you're giving back in some way? Really Really ask yourself these questions because a lot of people do things based on what other people tell them to do, based on what other people tell them, Oh, you would be good at this, instead of like, Would you like it? Or, You'll make lots of money doing this? There's lots of reasons people make choices. I want you to get connected to yourself and say, Would that make me happy? And I always tell people, I do not pay your bills, but you don't want to make a decision based on money.

Because when do, you're not going to be happy in the long run, because first of all, money isn't what's going to make you happy. And when you got to spend that much time at any job, you need to really enjoy what you do. It might not be a passion, you might not love, love, love it, but you need to like it and feel good about it and be happy that you're going in the morning on most days, right? So that's something really important to get in tune with. I think I've shared before, I always knew I wanted to be a social worker, and I have people, a social worker, you're never going to make money being a social worker. I'm thinking all these assumptions of what a social worker is. And I'm like, that's not what I'm going into. It's turned out to be a really good fit for me in all areas of my life. But I knew in my heart that's what I wanted to be and I would make it work. So I was fortunate. I knew ahead of time. I know a lot of people don't know. And sometimes just going to school, you get all these experiences.

You're like, oh, I like this. I didn't know this was here. I'm going to try out this class. So just be really open-minded, but be in tune and find that courage to have that conversation. If need to with others in your life that are telling you what to do and talk about what you really want to do and be open to that. Regarding career, regarding your job, it's never too late to make that change. If you want to just try something out or go volunteer somewhere that you think you'd like to feel you like to work in. There's lots of options. We want to be creative, but we want to ask ourselves if I'm happy with my work and the career that I'm in. You also want to ask yourself if you're happy in your relationships. Are you fulfilled? Do you have friends that are really there for you? My husband always says, I want friends that I can go to and they know they can come to me as well. You want that reciprocal friendship that at your core. We have some friends that we've said recently, we just want to let you know how important you are to us, and we are there for you, and we know you're there for us no matter what.

And that It is a gift. And it might just be a couple of friends. Maybe it'll be one, right? But do you have some really quality friends? I have some very quality friends that I know even if I don't talk to, weeks, months pass by, I know these friends are there for me no matter what, and that is a gift, but it takes time and energy to really build those relationships. And I've met people that said, I feel like my friends are fair weather friends. I don't have that really close person I can tell anything to. I want to go out and develop that, and I'm willing to go put myself out there and meet more people. So I have some clients that we've created some action plans on how can I go meet people and create new friendships, because the ones I have now are not really fulfilling, and I really want to have that in my life. Are you happy in your intimate relationships? Whether you're married, you have a boyfriend, you're dating, a girlfriend, you're dating, living, whatever your relationship looks like. Are you happy? Are you getting your needs met? Or are you just staying because it's convenient.

It's scary to be alone. The thought of meeting somebody new is overwhelming. You think it's going to be so difficult. Sometimes it is. But am I in my relationship because I'm really happy? Or because it's just comfortable and easy and it's all I know. I'm not telling you to just go break up with who you're with, but if you're not happy, go talk to your partner and maybe say, I'm not really happy where we're at right now. I'm not feeling fulfilled. I don't feel connected like I want to. Are you willing to explore that with me? Maybe we can go to some couples therapy and learn some tools on how to get connected. Maybe we can read a book, listen to a seminar. There's lots and lots of options for you to learn how to get connected if you feel disconnected. You want to learn about what are your needs so you can express them to somebody to say, This is what's important to me. This is what makes me happy. And this is how I honor myself. Because part of being happy is definitely honoring yourself in all these areas that I'm talking about.

So if you're not happy, it's not about that you're blaming the other person. You don't make me happy. My happiness is my responsibility. But the relationship we're having is not bringing me joy. And I don't feel close. It may be, I need to share more. Are you open to hearing me? Can you sit and be with me and hear what I have to say and be able to support me? Are you willing to work on us communicating better? Maybe we just need to have more fun. You know, All of us can get really caught up in the day to day things we do, going to work, especially, I think, if you have kids. I got kids, they're grown up, but I know when they were little, you're just so wrapped up in school and homework, stand on top of everything. Then they might have sports or any other extracurricular activities. Life gets busy. It goes on and on, and you're not spending time going on a date, working on your relationship, really even assessing, am I happy? I don't know. I don't even ask myself that. I'm just doing Everything I have to do to keep everything afloat, right?

So in our relationships, if we're not connected, it's really going to continue that way. And especially if you have kids, don't think once they're gone, you'll have this beautiful life together because the relationship will be over by then. I see that all the time. The marriage, the relationship you're in, the partnership is the foundation for your family. You don't have the family if you don't have the relationship, right? So you want to really make that important. It's a great weighted role model for your family as well that this relationship is important and we're going to take the time, we're going to get away, we're going to go on dates, we're going to have some private time, whatever that looks like. If that's what I need to make me happy, can we do that for each other? Can we make that a priority? Can we get on the same page? If we're feeling bored, let's get creative and start finding some fun stuff to do. Sometimes just having fun together can just bring that spark back. So again, there's shades of gray, I say, right? This is not black and white. We're together, we're not together.

We're happy, we're not happy. If we're not feeling fulfilled, and I think having a long term relationship is something you have to continuously work on. My husband just celebrated our 30th, and it's a work in progress, as they say, right? We've grown, we've changed over the years. We have different interests now, things we don't have kids living at home. So you have to work with where you're at and create that happiness to keep that relationship going. So again, I want you to hear what I'm saying that there's lots of hope, lots of possibilities. It doesn't mean you have to make a radical change. You might just need to make a little change. You might just have to start sharing how you feel. You might need to really take some time and search within, what are my needs and what needs aren't being met and how am I getting in the way of that happening? And who can I reach out and talk to? Maybe it's even with your friends, going back to your friendships. Like, Hey, guys, we need to spend more time together. Seeing you once every six months isn't enough for me. Could we put something like, Let's do once a month, right?

Let's make some plans. Let's have some activities that we do. Let's have some fun together. Everybody's busy, but we can make the time, and it can really make a huge difference in your life if you can do that. And then just with your health, let's look at your health. So I'm sharing about my three years cancer free. That was the second time I had cancer. Again, I feel very grateful that I'm here. I don't know what's ahead of me. So I'm taking care of my health on a daily basis so that I can be well. I was healthy when I had cancer twice. So it's not just like, Oh, take care of yourself. You're going to be okay. It's just that if it does happen, I know that my doctor said that I healed better and I recovered maybe even quicker because I was already in good health. I don't want you to have some life-changing health issue come, and then you're like, Oh, man, I should have been taking care of myself. It's never too late, right? But you want to take care of yourself so you are ready to deal with whatever may come your way.

And the other thing about your health is that I'm getting a lot more up in age, and I have people say like, Oh, you ever think about retirement? What are you going to do in retirement? Because of my health issues, I I am planning for retirement. I hope I'm getting there. But I'm not going to assume that when I reach whatever that age that will be, that I'm going to be in good shape to go take that hike or to be able to take long trips. I'm hoping I can do that, but my health needs to be in good shape, right? So I'm not going to wait to do the things I want to do for when I retire. I'm going to do the things I want to do now when I can, and then hopefully that will continue throughout my life. But don't put things on hold of like, oh, when I retire, oh, when I get to this age. If you can do it now, do it now. If it can't be on the big scale you want it, make it a little smaller. Maybe start making plans so you get excited about it.

But I know right today I'm healthy and I can do things, so I'm doing it today. And I say yes a lot more. My cancer, my second one, because it was the whole big surgery, chemo, it was the whole thing. It really changed my perspective on life that I just say yes when I can now. I say yes to things that people ask me instead of like, Well, I don't know, or this or that, or maybe next time. I just say, Julie, just say yes. Just show up. And I can tell you, I'm always glad when I show up. I connect, I feel full. It just really feeds my soul. So just think about that, too. Do I need to get my health in check? Do I need to just start with getting a primary doctor? Do I need to go for my physical? Am I looking at my family history? Do I need to go see a specialist? Do I need to start an exercise program? Are there any holistic things I can do? There's lots and lots and lots of options. So that's another thing to look at is your health. Do you feel happy about your health and feel good where you're at?

That's important to ask yourself. So these are all different things. I've talked about your career, your personal life, your health. And then part of your personal life, I want to address as well is just you. When I say, are you happy? Like just being you. All the stuff I talked about are all the outside things as well, right? Like your career is outside. Your relationships are outside yourself. Not your health, that's about you. But you personally, do you feel good about who you are? Are you the person you want to be? Are you finding a way to give back in your world? I think that's a very important thing. I get back in lots of This podcast is one of them. I just want to be able to give you guys the tools I really believe in. I've always felt blessed with my career, and I thought, how can I give back and reach more people? And this is one of the ways I give back, which makes me feel really good. And again, when you guys reach back to me and tell me how it's helping, it's very humbling and brings me such joy.

But everybody should have something where they're giving back. Another way to connect yourself is if your faith, your spiritual life is a part of your life, is a part of your life. Am I Are you really using that in my life? I have a lot of people I meet and they'll tell me their particular religion, and I'll just say, Well, what does that mean that you're this or that? And sometimes they don't really have a good answer. It's just this label they have. But if you have a faith or a spiritual connection, a power greater than yourself, whatever that looks like. Are you really using it in your life? Are you using it to find some peace, some direction, some truth for yourself? So that can be extra support network, not just with other people, but just with you and whatever that relationship is. Am I really using that on a daily basis? How am I connecting to myself every day? I can meditate, I can take walks, sit down and just do some breathing exercises, feel connected to my body. There's lots and lots of things here, and you want to be creative. There's not just one way to do it.

You don't have to follow what someone else is doing unless because it interests you. But that's another part of looking at your life and say, Am I happy with how I'm connected on a spiritual level in my life? I did a podcast with my rabbi called Spirituality and CBT. It was very popular. If you haven't listened to, it might be one to listen to. We talk about more in general, about how spirituality can be a really positive thing in your life and how you connect to it, and the way that your belief system, part of your cognitive behavioral therapy is, what What are your beliefs about yourself, about others, about the world? Are they distorted? Do I need to change them? And how do I connect to that in a meaningful way for myself? So again, maybe every day you wake up this next week, next two weeks and just say, Am I happy? And if I'm not sure, I need to explore that. It doesn't mean you're going to have the answer right away. And if the answer is like, No, or in these areas I am, these areas I'm not, let's get working on making yourself more happy in the areas of your life.

It's really common, too. I've met people, I've heard this years and years ago, that a lot of people are happy, say, with their career, but they're not happy personally, or they got a great personal life and they've never been happy with their career. That's really common. And you want to at least have one, right? You don't want to both be negative, which I know happens as well. But I want you to have more than just one. I want it to be more whole for you, right? And again, it might be that, yeah, my personal life is... I'm very happy. My career is fine, right? It's not my focus. More my focus is this or other things in my life. So it's not that everything's going to be equal. But in general, if you can feel good, if you can feel happy in your life in many different areas, it will make you feel more whole. And I believe that when you're in a better place, you can handle the stressors that will happen because they will happen because that's life that we don't even know are around the corner, right? But I can handle whatever comes my way.

That's a belief I have. And it's not that I never feel anxious or nervous, but I'm not an anxious person in general because I'm not worrying about things I have no control over and I'm not worrying about things that I don't even know are going to happen, right? I don't do all the what if thinking. I really believe whatever comes my way, I will handle. And I have lots of evidence because I've I handled some difficult things in my life, and I remember those times to help me get through things that come currently. I can tell you, with my cancer, everybody's like, Oh, how did it happen? How did you know? Again, I share that in my podcast, but it was overnight, you guys. It happened super fast. It was like I fell off the cliff, and bam, I had to get into gear and handle it and get the help that I needed. So it's not like things come slowly and you had ideas, or you I saw this coming. And sometimes we just have to deal with things that just show up, right? Or we get that difficult phone call and our life is turned upside down, right?

And then the other part of that, too, I want to say is sometimes you do see things coming, especially in relationships, or maybe there's signs of work and you just don't want to deal with it. And then you don't make changes until you lose your job. And then you're like, Oh, man, I wish I did something before. Or you saw signs in your relationship and you just wanted to avoid the conflict until it became so big you couldn't avoid it anymore. And now it's a lot harder to get back to where you want to be. So really, honor yourself. Take the time, assess where you're at. What do I want to work on? If I'm working on things already, do I feel like I'm going in a good direction? Am I being honest with myself? Am I really being real? Do I need to go find a therapist so that I can really get to the core issues because I'm feeling stuck? And I just can't see me get over a hump, and I really want to do that? So I believe all of you listening are because you want to learn tools, because you're open to suggestion, because you want to live the best life you can.

And that if you're listening to me, I know with all my heart that you believe you deserve, because otherwise you wouldn't tune in and spend the time. And all you need is a little bit of self-worth, a little bit of believing that you deserve and that you're lovable and that you're good enough, and you want to just run with that. You can start off small, we can just grow, grow, grow. So I hope I got the wheels turning. Again, ask yourself, Am I happy? Again, what Brené Brown shared is when you deny your story, you'll be defined by it your whole life, or you can own your story, and then you get to write the ending. That makes me excited when I say that out loud because I want to write my ending, and I'm going to create the life that I want to have, and I'm going to take responsibility for my part. So as always, thank you for being here with me. I hope this was helpful. Please share this with anyone you think may benefit.

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