Episode #48 

How To Reframe Your Feelings

Do you struggle with negative feelings - anxiety, loneliness, depression, resentment, anger, fear?

Do you wish you could just make them all go away?

In this episode, Dr Julie shares with you a CBT technique that will empower you to reframe your thoughts and feelings in a positive way, bringing you a sense of relief and calm.

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, my name is Dr. Julie Osborn. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

In this podcast, I'm going to share with you practical ways to apply CBT principles so you can achieve a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in your life relationships. I've always said that I wanted to teach my clients to be their own therapist. So today is kind of what I'm going to be doing with you so you can be your own therapist and address your issues when they come up and know how to make really good changes in your life, to feel more happier and positive and encouraged.

So take notes if you're able to. If not, you can listen later.

But I thought, you know, in the future I'm going to pick specific tools like I have been doing, but make them a little more general so you can use them for any situation. And of course, if you have questions, you can always reach out to me for me to clarify things for you and help you really get the most out of what you're learning by taking your time and listening to my podcast. So the tool today I'm going to teach you is called positive reframing.

So first, let me tell you what reframing means within the CBT world. So it's a term we use, which is a way of changing the way you look at something and change your experience of it as well. You want to reframe it, right? Look at it differently. So it's definitely not positive thinking, though. So I want to make that clear. None of CBT is positive thinking because if positive thinking worked, we'd all be good to go and we could just change how we think and everything would be cool.

But remember, positive thinking doesn't work because it doesn't last.

And that's why, you know, maybe for the last few seconds of the last leg of your marathon to get over that finish line, positive thinking is helpful.

But long term, which we were looking for a long term change, it's not about positive thinking. And we often spend so much time believing our half thoughts throughout our day, which increases our stress. So just to clarify, is always half. What's the term I use are thoughts that aren't 100 percent true. And we really focus on those and that's what really increases our negative moods. So, again, reframing can help you reduce your stress and feel better.

But I'm going to teach you today is positive reframing. So that involves thinking about a negative or chilling situation in a more positive way and involves examining the assumptions that you're making about how other people are thinking, feeling are likely to behave as well as the way you see yourself. So to be more clear, for example, your depression and your anxiety that you might be struggling with is now what's wrong with you, but actually what's right with you. And I'll explain that in a minute.

So we want to know, what is your depression, your anxiety say about you? I'm using depression, anxiety in very broad terms. Everyone's going through lots of different things. So just kind of go with that and you can fit it into your world and what your symptoms are and what you're going through. So this is a really powerful technique. Once you get it, it's not super easy because it's a really different way of thinking, which you'll get by the end of the podcast.

But I just want to tell you to be patient with yourself and you're going to have to practice this over and over. But it's really beneficial to take the time. So you want to find the benefits in the negative moods you have and you want to brainstorm. What are the advantages as well as what is what are the values that this says about you that you're feeling negatively?

So I'll give you an example for myself. So I know that when I'm doing therapy, I'm very mindful with my clients and sometimes I can be self-critical. I shouldn't have said it that way. I should have addressed this. I should have remembered to ask them this question. I do that throughout the day. So instead of just being hard on myself, you know, with all these goods. Right.

How I positively frame this is that I'm actually proud that I am self-critical at times because it shows that I have high standards and that I take responsibility and want to do well and be there for my clients. Right. So if I wasn't self-critical, I wouldn't care. I'd be. Oh, well, ask him next time or they'll be fine. Or, you know, it's not my responsibility when it is being a therapist. So that's how I look at it.

Like that's what it says positively about me, because I am self-critical. It really shows the values I have wanting to be the best therapist and being there for my clients.

So I'm going to give you a bunch of different examples regarding different moods. I think that'll be helpful for you to start understanding. And what you can do is take a piece of paper and you can write down at the top of the paper one of your moods or multiple moods. You can do right and figure out what value is connected with that and what does it say? That's a wonderful and beautiful. But you so for example, if you're feeling anxiety, what does that say about you?

Anxiety keeps me cautious and helps me think about things that maybe I do need to worry about and maybe plan ahead to be safe and careful. If you feel shame, it shows that you have a moral compass and that you see the changes are needed. So you see where I'm going with this. And instead of like, oh, I'm ashamed.

I'm not a good person to say to yourself, what does it say about you that you feel the shame it's connected to a value that you have if you feel depressed and lonely.

You know, loneliness is one of the biggest problems in the world. In general, people feel very lonely. Even if you're with someone, you can feel lonely. But it feels it says that you value connection and shows how much your life matters to you. Because it really affects you and it really bothers you. Another emotion that a lot of my clients have is worthlessness. So if you feel worthless, what value is there connected to, what does it say about you?

It says that I'm honest about my shortcomings. It says that I'm accountable. It says that I'm humble and I'm not grandiose, but I really am honest and I can look at myself and see the things that I need to change and how I want to be better.

So I hope you can start seeing that your feelings are actually an expression of your core values rather than your defects, because that's what we all focus on, is our defects. You shouldn't feel that way. You shouldn't be this. You shouldn't be that right. Instead of like, OK, I'm feeling bad. What does that say about me? And when you can hear what your negative thoughts and feelings are trying to tell you, the intensity of your negative thoughts and feelings will start to decrease and then you can start working on making changes.

So doing this one exercise can really help you feel better. But then again, it allows you to start moving forward because a lot of us get stuck because we're so focused on feeling bad. So it's like, you know, I'm worthless. Why bother? Right. I'm you know, this didn't work out before, so I'm not going to try again. So your thoughts and feelings will keep you stuck and not allow you to move forward because you start seeing things as more hopeless.

Right. So if we can start saying, OK, I do have these negative feelings, what do they say about me? It can open up. I think you know the door a little more for you to start taking action and making changes. So here's some more examples. So if you're someone that gets angry a lot, you know, anger can show that you do have a moral compass and a sense of justice.

So if you're angry about there's a lot of things in the world that we're all feeling angry about, I think right now frustrated.

But that shows, again, that you really care. Things affect you. You know, you're not numb to that. And you want things to be better. If you're feeling sad a lot, I think it shows an awareness and a grace that you give yourself to feel their pain that you've experienced in your life instead of minimizing it and saying, you know, maybe I should be over it or not let it bother anymore more that I still feel sad and that's OK.

And I need to maybe sit here with that and feel it and do what I need to do for myself or reach out to someone, but to make it OK. And then I'm aware. And again, I have Grace. Calling yourself lazy that I thought I wanted to save a lot of people say that I'm just lazy, I'm just lazy. So what I would say that that says about you is that you do want to be different and you're a you're getting things done and you do want to offer something better to yourself and others in the world.

Worrying what others think about you shows that you want to be in relationships and, you know, to be a better person, right. What are they going to think about me? Are they going to judge me? What that's really seen as you want to be your best and you want to show your best and that you most likely know that you really could be. And you want to find a way to to be able to be maybe more assertive or to be more comfortable that it's important to you to have good relationships and it's important to you for people to know that you're interested in them.

And you're not just being quiet and shy because you're not interested that you want to be seen in a different way. So worrying about what others think, that's you know, that's a value that can show how much you really care about connecting with others. If you're feeling frightened about something or nervous, worried, you know, it shows that you're facing your fears and you're not going to give up because that's how deeply this affects you having such strong feelings.

You know, as I mentioned earlier, depression, feeling down, unhappy, you know, those are very common moods, right? So it also shows some values that you're a sensitive person and you also have an awareness and appreciate life because you want it to be different. Feeling inadequate shows that you're honest and realistic, that you do have flaws, you know, we all have flaws. You know, we all want to be like, no, no, you're good.

No, just you know, sometimes we just need to acknowledge that, you know what?

I do have flaws. I am defective. We're all defective. Right. So just acknowledging that can kind of set us free a little bit and see, like, why do I feel so bad? Because I can be honest about how I see myself. If you do feel self-conscious about things, it's also showing that you have high standards. Right. And again, like I said earlier, you want to be the best you can, feeling hopeless and discouraged.

Strong feelings again, a lot of people have, but they also can show that you're realistic and you're willing to face the facts rather than being naive about the world to yourself or how things really are. If you feel frustrated often, you can also show your disaffection, you know, with how you're feeling.

I want to feel better. I want to do better. My frustration is showing my value that I want to be the best I can be. Resentment can show that you really care and want things to be different, it resembles a tough one, right?

I have my podcast and I drink the poison, which talks about resentment. So feeling resentful is knowing, like I got some issues I really need to look at. Maybe I need to work on my forgiveness, but it's important to me and it shows how much I really have strong emotions about what's going on in my life, you know, worrying about other people, thinking that you're going to be a failure or that you look like a failure.

Having these self-critical thoughts about yourself, again, goes back to having high standards and shows that you value how you see yourself and how you put yourself out into the world, that you want to be seen for who you really are. If you ever worry about getting in trouble at work or at home or with your friends, I think that shows how much you care about the success of the relationship you're in or maybe a project you're working on at work. You know, I'm really worried about getting into trouble because I actually care, not because I'm just worried about what's going to happen to me.

I want to come across in a different way if you worry about other people seeing you as weak. I think it shows that you care what others think because let's say at least with family, say, your partner, your children, that you care about what they think because you love them and you want to be strong for your family. So worrying about them, not saying be strong or judging me, that really upsets me because that's not the way I want to see my family to see me.

I want them to know that I'm there for them. They can depend on me. I can be strong regardless of what's going on. If you're worried or upset about, you know, how someone else is treating you, that's a really good thing that it's bothering you. And I think it shows that you value your life and want the best for yourself and know you deserve better. So, you know, you don't want to be in the victim mode.

But if you're feeling like you're being treated poorly and that really upsets you and you're not understanding why, you know, that could be the value connected to it. And sometimes, you know, you just feel overwhelmed is a common feeling. People don't know what to do with that. It goes back to thinking that I can't handle everything and being self-critical and it goes back to showing again that you do have high standards and that you also take responsibility seriously and you want to do well.

If I'm overwhelmed, that means, you know, I'm wanting to get all this stuff done and do really good. So that means that's important to me. I really care about it. So I've given you a lot of different examples. Try and think if I missed anything, if you feel inadequate, I also think that shows that you're very humble and honest person because you're looking at yourself maybe honestly and say maybe I am inadequate in some areas and I need to work on it.

Right, again, going back to anger, another another part of anger is showing that you're someone is not going to give up. Even feeling hopeless sometimes, which is a horrible feeling, one of the most difficult ones, but sometimes it might be realistic and protect you from feeling disappointed because sometimes the hopelessness might be about something outside of yourself that you can't change. And again, being judge, which is a biggie, shows that you value warm, genuine, positive relationships with people in your life.

And you want to take all of this new information. And the point is that because this shows that my views are connected to my values, I'm not about getting rid of all my negative moods right off of some people coming in therapy, going like I don't want to feel any anxiety or I don't want to feel any of these negative moods. And then we kind of go through a process, kind of talk about that. What would that look like?

Like, OK, if you're depressed and say as an 80 percent out of 100, that's really strong. But what if we got depression down to a 10 because of your depression shows how much you care about something, right. Or if you're feeling sad and lonely showing, you know, how much that means to me that I want relationships, like I said earlier. Right. So I'm not saying that let's get rid of these moods because they serve some purpose.

But if you say 10 percent instead of 80, that's much more manageable. If I didn't have any of these negative moods, I really wouldn't care.

Nothing would affect me. I wouldn't feel passionate about things because it's not about just being happy all the time, because that's not realistic. Right. Because our moods fluctuate all the time based on different situations. And when people are passionate about something that might come from a place of being angry or feeling the injustice. Right, or having a fight for maybe your kids that you're not able to see as much because of a divorce or there's so many situations out there.

But, you know, I don't want you to lose that passion.

I don't want you to lose that drive. I'll never stop worrying about my kids. I don't want to be up all night worrying about my kids right now. I want to give them that space to grow and live their life and learn their lessons like I learned mine. But I'm always going to have some worries. So it's not realistic. It's like never worry about your kids. That's just like that's not realistic. So to try to go down that road, you're still going to be frustrated going, well, am I supposed to worry?

But I am worried. Right. So, again, we just want to have it be manageable. I don't want to feel sad about something or say someone passed away and it's been years, you know. Oh, you should be past that. Well, I'm always going to feel sad that my parents passed away. That's never going to leave me. I'm going on with my life and that is sad. I don't cry all the time about it.

But, you know, I have moments of being maybe triggered or to have a memory and I have a moment of sadness. It's now running my life. That's OK. And that's good. Again, I want to have all these feelings. I think I would feel really kind of numb or like a robot if I didn't have any of these.

So I hope you're starting to kind of follow me where I'm coming from here, that instead of being down on yourself and seeing all of your negative feelings that you're a bad person, you should be better.

You should be able to get past this.

If you can take a minute and say, you know, what are my values and why do I feel this way?

What is the wonderful, beautiful things it actually says about me? And OK, I'm going to hold on to some of this because that's important to me. But I'm also going to start moving forward and start changing how I think and start challenging my thoughts and change maybe my behaviors and how I see the world in others and start working on my own core beliefs that are negative to be able to to feel better most of the time. Right. And find their contentment.

And that's something that's really possible once you can start positively framing the way you see yourself. So this is a great tool.

I do want to mention that I got a lot of the training with the positive reframing through Feeling Good Institute with Dr. Burns. So his book I mentioned before, his newest book is called Feeling Great. The one that's been around for years and years is Feeling Good, and of course, Mind Over Mood, which I use talks about reframing as well.

This technique with the positive reframing is more specific to Dr. Burns. So I want to give him the credit for that and appreciate the training that I've had.

And I've seen it just really turn things around with my clients. And, you know, I kind of see that smirk, smile when people are able to start identifying what does it say about them? So it's not me telling you, oh, this is what it says about you. I help my clients get started.

But then when you take off and you can really say, wow, this really shows what I value and what's important to me and my integrity and my love for people, my concern and you want to be my best people start having this little smile that comes on their face that I can see in session. And it's a real change. And they start beating up on themselves and then they start going forward and saying, OK, great, what are some more tools that I can learn so I can be happier and I can let go of the judgments I carry on myself.

So. I hope this was helpful. It's a very specific CBT tool. I'd love you to start using give me your feedback questions if you need me clarify anything else.

You can always reach me on MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com.

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And remember, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.

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