Episode #50 

How To Set Boundaries

Do you struggle with setting boundaries?

Do you often feel taken advantage of?

In this empowering episode, Dr Julie shares what healthy boundaries are and how you can decide and set them for yourself using the power of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, my name is Dr. Julie Osborn. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help bring the power of CBT into your own life.

In this podcast, I'm going to answer your questions and share with you some practical ways to apply CBT principles so you can achieve a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in your life and your relationships.

So first, I wanted to read an email I received recently; I like to share these when you guys take the time to reach out, which I really appreciate.

This says,

“Hello. I hope you're doing well. My name is Abby. I recently stumbled upon your podcast on Spotify. And have you been feeling a little crummy tonight about a couple of different things have been bothering me, one being my grandfather who has Alzheimer's. I decided to watch the episode on Acceptance just randomly that was posted about a year ago, but was stunned when you included an anecdote of a really similar story. I found that so touching, I seriously was teary-eyed at the end.

That being said, I really love listening to your advice. I found the episodes I've watched to be extremely helpful. I admire the fact that you take the time to do this and make it so accessible to the public. It's an amazing resource. I'm totally going to pass on to family and friends. That is really all.

I wanted to share my gratitude and admiration for what you do and wish you all the best.

Abby”

I got permission to share her first name, so thank you again, Abby, and I appreciate you taking the time and reaching out and sending me such a beautiful email.

And I'm so happy that you happen to follow the podcast and found the one on acceptance that related to dealing with your grandfather with Alzheimer's. I'm really sorry you're going through that. And the episode does talk about a really good story regarding that, if you guys are looking for dealing with acceptance and different things in our lives. So that will be one to listen to as well.

So today I wanted to take a closer look at setting healthy boundaries. Boundaries is a big word!

And what does that mean? So first, I'm going to talk about what healthy boundaries are and then we'll talk about when unhealthy boundaries are and give you some tools, some CBT tools and how to set some healthy boundaries, because it's something that is an ongoing action behavior within relationships that we have. So let me first kind of define what the boundaries are. So boundary is something you set for yourself. And personal boundaries are the limits and the rules we set for ourselves within relationships.

A person with healthy boundaries can say no to others when they want to, but are also comfortable open themselves up to intimacy and close relationships. Boundaries also help you to find what you're comfortable with and how you would like to be treated by others. It's deciding which you find acceptable and unacceptable in others behaviors towards yourself. And you don't tolerate other people interfering with your relationships. You don't allow them to cross your boundaries. So there's mental boundaries and personal boundaries.

So mental boundaries refers to your personal thought process. Bingo, bingo, bingo. Right CBT, your thought process. Everyone has different experiences and you have to write your own thoughts, your values, your beliefs and your opinions. So the way you think about your relationships and how you'd like them to be are based on your thoughts. And when you're clear about what's important to you and how you think about the situation or what your values are in your belief system and your opinions, it's easier to figure out what kind of boundary do I want to set, because that's the situation that comes up for a lot of people.

I think that, you know, it's like, yeah, know, I want to set some boundaries, but I'm not really sure what's appropriate or what would work, what do I want? So we can always go back and say and ask ourselves, you know, what am I thinking about this? You know, write this stuff down. Right, so we can kind of look at it. What are my values? Why why do I even feel I have to set a boundary in this situation?

What do I believe is best? So those are the mental boundaries. So personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits that we established to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used or violated. So the personal boundaries also include the mental boundaries. But I wanted to separate the mental boundaries a little bit for you so you can clarify again what I was saying about what are my thoughts, values, beliefs and opinions. So obviously we do not want to be manipulated, used or violated.

And having personal boundaries helps this not happen. It allows us to separate who we are, what we think and feel from the thoughts and feelings of others. Right. So that goes back to what is best for me in this situation now, what other people want me to do. Right, because that's when you can get manipulated and what other people think I should do now, what they would do. But what's most important to me so that I can.

Your comfortable, feel respected, feel like I'm making good decisions for myself so that I can continue the relationships that I have in a healthy way. So let's talk about what unhealthy boundaries involve. So that is when you have a disregard for your own and others, values, wants and needs and limits and unhealthy boundaries can cause emotional pain that can lead to dependency, depression, anxiety and physical illnesses as well. People lack boundaries, usually because they have a high level of neediness, codependent behavior and a need for love and affection from others so that they're willing to put up with whatever is going on in the relationship, even if it isn't healthy, because they're afraid of possibly losing the relationship or losing the job.

Right. Or whatever it is that you're addressing in your life, any goals that you're trying to reach. If somebody is getting in the way of them, you may just put up with that behavior to reach the goal, even when, you know your gut is telling you like this isn't OK or I'm uncomfortable. So, for example, there's lots of issues for years now and is talking more now about, say, appropriate boundaries at work where people feel like maybe there's some sexual harassment, you know, a healthy boundary is letting someone else know how you want them to talk to you if someone's making sexual jokes to say, you know, I'm not comfortable with that, please don't share those jokes with me.

Thank you. That kind of boundary that you can start to set, obviously, if it continues, you'll have to go to the higher up at your work. But that's a way to least start setting your values so people know what's OK and what isn't. Another example that a lot of my clients have dealt with that have been out of work for disability, whatever the reason might be. A lot of times we talk about the concerns they have returning and knowing people are going to ask them where have they been?

And especially if it's a mental health issue, no need for you to share. You know, I was depressed and I took time off or anything like that because, you know, there is stigma and judgment, sadly enough. But that's just the truth. But it's nobody's business, right? So what I do with my clients is we actually like role play and come up with how do you want to answer that? So that it's nice to you know, someone's asking, oh, I'm glad to see you.

I'm glad you're back. Wow. What happened? But you don't want to share specifics. So that's a boundary right there that I'm not going to share that. So to say to somebody, if they asked you, oh, my God, I'm so glad to see you're back at work. Have you been, in a word, what happened? Why are you out of work? And we'll come up with a statement of like, oh, you know, I had some personal family issues that I need to take some time off.

But it's so nice to see you, too. You know, let's get back working on this project. What can I do to help you? So you're being respectful to them and you're setting that limit knowing like, OK, you're not going to share anymore. And that comes across clearly. And that if they push it and push it, you can just repeat the same thing you said. You know, if they're like, oh, well, what did that mean?

What did you have to do? So you want to think about situations that might come up? What am I going to say? What is my boundary? Do I want to share or do I not want to share? So you want to be you know, that's just a work. It could be in any in any relationship, of course. Right. So what are my boundaries and what am I comfortable talking about and being able to communicate that because you want to communicate your boundaries or your expectations, clearly, you want to be calm and definitely consistent.

You also want to stick to the facts without overexplaining, blaming or being defensive. So as an example, I've met a few people in my life, I would say, who don't have healthy boundaries and sometimes I don't feel they have boundaries at all. I don't know if you've ever met anybody, like early on, you just met them maybe for a second time. And they're giving you like their whole life history and you actually maybe feel uncomfortable. Like I've met people that have done that, not in a therapeutic relationship, obviously, but just somebody I've met.

And I'm sitting there thinking I shouldn't really know all this about them. It's a little too personal for the amount of time I've known this person. And to me, that's their red flag, that this person doesn't have boundaries. And going back to their neediness that I was saying, you know, or some of their codependency and wanting that need for love and affection, attention from others. So also you can maybe look and say, yeah, that person doesn't have good boundaries.

That makes me uncomfortable. There's not somebody I'm going to get close to because I don't like that they don't have healthy boundaries. So maybe thinking about if I experienced that with anybody in my life or is there something I do, do I share too much when I first meet people? And I need to really think about why is that? What is this need that I'm trying to get met and to see that most likely it may push other people away because they may not be comfortable with all that information.

So it's the thinking about do you have healthy boundaries? Do you not? Are there people in your life that don't? How much are you going to share with them? How are you going to handle situations? So there's a lot to think about and to kind of start thinking about yourself and what's good for you. And and maybe you've done this in the past, which is great. And what's worked and what was the outcome? Also, what things are going on in my life right now that I've been struggling with, that I know I need to set some healthy boundaries, but I really don't know how to.

So it's important to remember that everybody wants to be heard and accepted as they are. Right. But that doesn't mean that we just allow people to treat us the way they want to. So being heard is, again, when you can communicate your boundaries clearly. Calmly and consistently, then you will be heard and you will feel more accepted when you start having healthier people in your life that do accept the boundaries that you're setting and they can be really empowering, really empowering.

And it helps you to protect your self-esteem, maintain your own self respect, and then be able to enjoy healthy relationships. So let me give you a few steps when you're thinking, OK, this is sounds all great, what do I do? How do I actually set healthy boundaries? So, one, you want to figure out what are your limits, right? What are my boundaries? What am I willing to do for this person? How much do I want to share?

You know, that type of thing. OK, so you want to first got to get clear about that. So what I would say to figure out how do I figure out my limits, I would start maybe even doing some journaling about the situation you're going through with this person or situation. I would use in the mind over mood book. I would do a thorough record, you know, what's the situation? What are my moods and what are my thoughts so that I start giving me some limits and what do I want to change with my own behavior that maybe I haven't been doing.

So tuning into your thoughts and your feelings can be a first step. As I mentioned earlier, you want to be direct. If you kind of like Sugar-coated, people aren't going to get it and you can't hold them accountable to your boundaries if you're sugarcoating it. So you want to be direct in being an assertive way. Right. Using I statements, I don't feel comfortable when you ask me those questions. I hope you can respect that. That would be an answer to somebody.

Right. Say you have some close friends that are having issues together, you're having issues with each other, I'm sorry. And that they're both coming to you and they want you to take each other's side. Right. A healthy boundary. Be like, you know, I'm really sorry you're both going through this and I love you both if there's anything I can do to help, but I'm not going to choose one over the other. And I just want to be here to support both of you.

So that's the limit. Right. And and hopefully both these friends want to keep you in their lives. Or one might be so pissed off that you're not choosing sides that they may decide not to be friends with you, but that's their choice. You offered what you can do for them and you set your limit in your boundary because you didn't want to get in the middle of it. So that would be an example as well. Another thing, it's just giving yourself permission to do this, you know, give yourself permission that you know what?

It's OK for me to set a boundary. And it's important to me that if I don't get what I need from the other person, I might need to walk away or I might just need to step back and not be as close. Sometimes with work environments, sometimes people have had to leave, you know, because they set boundaries and they weren't respected. So you want to give yourself permission to take care of yourself, whatever that boundary is for you.

You want to also practice self-awareness, like if you're feeling uncomfortable in a situation, be self aware and going on. What's going on here? Do I feel like I'm being manipulated or taken advantage of? And if I am that I need to start talking about this and figure out how I can set some healthy boundaries with this person or the situation that I'm in, because it's important to me. So being, you know, just self aware and not ignoring those gut feelings that you might get, sometimes you want to also consider your past and your presence.

So I know I mentioned earlier already, but thinking about your past, what were some relationships or situations maybe you are uncomfortable with and you didn't set boundaries and you wish you did write? A great example is years and years ago I was a waitress and I remember somebody told a joke that was very negative and anti-Semitic. And I remember standing there and I just walked away. It was another waitress. And to this day, because I'm telling you now, I remember that and thinking I should have said something and I didn't.

And that would have been my boundary. Like, I'm uncomfortable with those jokes. Please don't share them in front of me or, you know, that hurt my feelings and wish you would be more careful about what you're what you're saying and maybe isn't always a joke to everybody. And that always stuck in my mind. And I think one reason that stuck in my mind, too, is, you know, my dad was really excellent actually setting boundaries when people would say things that weren't OK.

I remember that growing up with him that he would always speak up and say, I'm OK with that or that's not OK. Please don't talk that way. And I had that moment of like I should have spoke up and I didn't. So today I do and I wouldn't do that again. So thinking about my own past, what are some places I didn't set boundaries that I wish I did write in presently? Do I need to set some boundaries that I'm not?

Or do I really feel comfortable with the boundaries that I do have with my loved ones, with friends, with coworkers, my professional boundaries? You know, there's lots of different boundaries, right? Lots of different situations. So thinking about not just things you haven't done in your past, but hopefully some good experiences that you're like, you know, I was really scared to do that, but it worked out well. And I have to just trust in myself what's right and be able to communicate it clearly and consistently and calmly so that I will be heard.

And most people, I would say, you know, when you're setting boundaries and you're consistent, you know, most people will respect that. Most people will still want to be in your life and say, oh, OK, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or I can understand that. Or let's talk more about this. Not everybody for sure. But I think most people I think, you know, sometimes it might be a few discussions, but if it's really important, it's worth taking the time.

You also want to make your own self care a priority. So, you know, why is this part of boundaries? Because this is just really having that self respect and thinking about what's important to me and what changes do I maybe want to make in my relationships, in my environments. And remember, with the CBT, you know, you have your thoughts, which creates your moods, which affects your behavior and your physical reactions. But last but not least, is your environment.

Your environment is a huge factor. Whatever that environment is, one on one at school, at work with friends, coworkers, family members, whatever that is, practicing self care is good for you, which then will show itself in how you are with other people. And people can pick up, you know, that you have healthy boundaries. And one of the last things to do also is just to seek support. Maybe you need to go talk to a therapist.

Maybe that would be helpful to say, you know, how can I handle this situation or just seeking support from friends or people you respect. Sometimes we know someone. We're like, wow, they really set healthy boundaries. They're really clear. I know where they're coming from. You know, talk to them and just say, how did you get to this place? How do you determine how to set boundaries? You know, that's something. Could you practice with UKCS?

I need to say something to a friend of mine or work or, you know, coworker or whatever it is. So just going to someone that you respect that has healthy boundaries. And again, talking to a therapist, I talk to people all the time about setting healthy boundaries, whether it's with their kids, with anybody. A lot of people have exes they have to deal with. Right. So what's a healthy boundary with an ex? Might be I've had people say, you know, their ex wants to change the visiting schedule with the kids back and forth.

Oh, I need to go away this weekend. Can we do this? Can we change this? And then when the time comes, the other person isn't cooperating back regarding visitation. So, you know, a boundary we talk about is just sticking to the terms they have in the divorce agreement regarding custody and just saying, yeah, I'm going to just stick with this. This is what we agreed on and this is what I feel most comfortable with.

That's a boundary right there. So that's another example. So obviously, there's lots of different examples. If you have particular questions on this, you're struggling. You know, again, this is when you can email me at my CBT podcast at Gmail dot com, and I can specifically give you an example of what a healthy boundary would be. But if you're just not feeling good about a relationship or environment, you're in takes some time and just ask yourself, you know, is it a boundary issue that I haven't spoken up?

Say you're at work and you know, somebody expects you to work overtime all the time and you're not getting paid. You need to set that boundary that my work here. I work nine to five. That's what I'm paid for. If there's an emergency, you know, I'll help out. But I have a family that's waiting for me and it's important that I'm home with them. There's a healthy boundary because I have worked in situations or environments, I should say, where people are just excellent employees, but they give and give and give.

And then people end up taking advantage of that. Oh, she'll do it. She'll do it. You know, she'll stay. He'll take care of that. And there's no boundary there because the person that's a great worker doesn't have a boundary and they're always doing more and wanting to, you know, I think comes from a really good place, but it's unhealthy. And then they may end up resenting that they're always doing extra, being asked to stay later.

So I know a lot of examples here and I want to go on and on and muddle the waters. But these are just different areas to think about in your life and saying, you know what's important to me. So going back to the CBT exercise is that you can do in the mean one. I know you talk about as Atholl record, right. Is to just write down, you know, how what am I feeling? What am I thinking in this situation, figuring out your thoughts.

So those are the ones that are 100 percent true. And then in this situation, you're maybe looking at the ones that are 100 percent true. And am I comfortable with how things are going forward and how I'm handling the situation? So, again, just to review really quick, healthy boundaries, our personal boundaries that address your own limits and your values for yourself within relationships. And you can say no to others when you want to, but again, are very open to other relationships where you can have some intimacy and close relationships.

Those are healthy boundaries. We're working towards the unhealthy ones involved. When you have a disregard for your own and others, values, wants and needs and there are limits. And you want to maybe after this podcast ask yourself, you know, where do I fall into that? And it's not about being perfect - progress, not perfection. You might have a lot of healthy boundaries with people, but maybe there's some you need a tweak or some you need to sit down with someone and just say, you know, I know we talked about this before, but I just want to make sure I'm clear.

So we're in a good place. And you can always ask others like, you know. What are your boundaries, what are what are your boundaries with me, what's important? And kind of encourage others to talk to you so you have a really healthy understanding of the relationship and where you want it to be. So that's it for today. I hope this was helpful. It's a really good topic.

Again, it's something that you're going to use the rest of your life. You will always have to set boundaries.

So if you have a burning therapy question again, you can email me at MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com. As I always, you can rest easy knowing I'll always keep your name confidential unless I have contact with you and you give me permission or would like me to share on the air your name, but otherwise I will never show it on the air.

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Thanks for joining me. Stay safe. I'll see you next week.

And remember, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.