Episode #121

The Holidays & CBT

The holiday season can be challenging for many reasons. Past traumas and memories can make it hard to be around certain people.

How can you successfully navigate this time of the year?

How should you deal with relationships or people you find challenging?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you how to use your CBT tools to handle the holidays.

Click to listen now!

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, this is Dr. Julie. Welcome to My CBT Podcast. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So thanks for being with me, and I wanted to start off by sharing just a little post, a new listener or new follower, I should say, sorry, maybe both, to my podcast on my Instagram where you can find me and follow me as well on my CBT podcast, what it's under, someone named Allison. And I liked the little quote she had that I wanted to share that I thought would start us off on our podcast today.

So she says,

“Life is like a camera. Focus on what's important, develop from the negatives, and if things don't work out, take another shot.”

I thought that's a good one. I like focus on what's important, developing from negative things that happen to your life, and then keep going forward by taking another shot, all right? So I wanted to share that with you because I wanted to talk about the holidays. So first, let me set off by wishing you a happy holiday.

I know Thanksgiving's past, but I hope that went okay for you and you enjoyed your day, you got a happy Hanukkah, you got a merry Christmas, happy Kwanda, anything you celebrate as well as Happy New Year. I'm going to cover it all. So I thought I would talk about that today. I know I've talked about this in past podcasts, but it's always a good thing to touch on because we're always going through a lot of things in our lives and especially when the holidays come. So I want to talk to you about the struggles, but also the beautifulness, the miracles, the positive things that come out of the holidays as well. So I see a lot of posts that are saying to remind ourselves that even if you're enjoying your holiday, a lot of people are struggling, or even if you're struggling to be mindful of that and have some self-compassion. So for those of you that may not struggle with the holidays, just to share with you what I'm talking about is there are a lot of people growing up in their childhood, maybe there was addiction going on, abandonment, abuse, different things that really tend to get heightened during the holidays because a lot of times if our parents have old traumas they haven't processed, it may come up more at the holidays because that was an experience for them as well.

So instead of it being this joyous thing, it ends up being really negative. People might start using drugs or alcohol more. A lot of people may struggle financially not to have gifts come their way. They might be tired regarding even having food on their plates. A lot of issues come up with that in family. Who are we going to see? Who we don't want to see? Trying to decide who we're going to have over and what boundaries maybe we need to set, but we're scared of. People tend to have thoughts of like, Well, we'll just put it aside for the holidays, which is a nice thought, but the reality is when you're with those people, those same issues are going to be there. You may be trying to put things aside, but they may not. And people get triggered a lot, not just from the holidays, but by others that they're around. So there's lots of different reasons why the holidays could be hard. And it's important to take note of it. It's important to think about it prior to going into those situations where you're going to be spending time with others and thinking about, How do I want to handle this?

I think it's important also to give yourself permission to not see people if you don't want to or if it's not healthy for you and to not let your feelings of guilt get in the way, thinking that you're doing something wrong because you're probably just thinking more about others than yourself. And it's important that you make yourself a priority because this is also your holiday, and it's really important and it's not the end of the world if you see certain people because it's the holidays. If you want to see them at other times, that's okay, but if the holidays just aren't a good time for you, then maybe this is the first year that you can start honoring yourself and making better decisions for you. You can always talk to a therapist if you have a therapist. You can always maybe talk to your spouse, other people that you trust that can support you and help you walk through this decision on how you want to handle things with family members or friends or whoever it might be about who do you want to spend time with? How long do you want to spend time?

Where do you want to see them? Are you comfortable at your home? Are you comfortable at their house? Would you prefer to maybe meet up for a cup of coffee and spend a little time? I mean, whatever you want to do is okay, and you can create whatever holiday tradition you want. If you have a parent that you're not comfortable with coming over, let's say they drink too much, they have issues with that, but you feel like I just want to see them, I would just say, Hey, let's meet for a cup of coffee or let's meet for breakfast. And if you want to exchange gifts, you can take it there. You spend an hour, it's nice, it's controlled, and you go home. So that's why I'm saying, be creative. It doesn't have to be what you've always done. It definitely doesn't have to be what others want. It can be what is meaningful to you, what's comfortable. If you've gone through abuse, a lot of trauma, trauma, this is an opportunity to, again, honor yourself and start setting boundaries, which is something you might struggle with, especially when it comes to family members and the holidays.

A lot of people put guilt on like, Oh, it's the holidays, or Oh, I want to see my grandkids, or Oh, I haven't seen you in so long. It's all about them. And then you feel guilty, right? And the definition of guilt is that I'm doing something wrong or I've done something wrong. So you want to ask yourself, Am I doing something wrong? Well, I'm doing something wrong if I'm not honoring myself if I'm letting someone come over because I'm not comfortable. This is your space, and again, you have to decide what's best for you, maybe even what's best for your family. And sometimes I've known people that they may just go see their family, but the rest of the family doesn't go because they're not comfortable or because there are other family members and not been able to respect maybe your new partner or your kids, whatever the situation might look like. So if you want to see them, but your family doesn't, also honor that and just say, Okay, no problem. I'm going to go over to see my mom and my dad, or whoever it might be, my sister, brother, and uncle, cousins, and I'll see you when I get back home.

So that's a really healthy relationship where you can still support your partner, but not put that pressure on them, right? Because then again, it just stir up everything we don't want it to stir up with the holidays. It's like guilt, obligation, and that's not what the holidays is about. We want to make it about love, being excited, sharing time with people that we enjoy, sharing the time with people that make us feel good and lift us up and fill us up, right? That are going to be positive for us. And when you start making those changes and you're like, Oh, you know what? This was a really good holiday, or I really like doing that. Let's do that next year. You're starting to create your own traditions. You're starting to create new memories. And it's not about compensating for others because when you were a child, you didn't have a choice if you were stuck with a family that had a lot of dysfunction and you were just there. But now as an adult, you get to make your own choices. And I really encourage you, I know it's easier said than done, like everything, is don't let anybody put that pressure on you and you decide what's best for me.

And if you are getting triggered to take notice of that and say, Okay, what's going on? Why am I being triggered by this situation or this person? And what am I going to do differently about it? Who should I talk to if I need some suggestion that would be helpful? Who do I need to talk to to just have support? Because I feel good about my decision, but having some support would be really good. So that's what I would recommend with this holiday coming up and doing something new for yourself. If the holiday music gets you down, if going to certain events brings up bad memories, again, don't feel the pressure of also the world and society that, quote, you should enjoy this, you should enjoy that. Just say, I'm going to make some choices that are good for me. What does bring me joy? What do I like to do? What's something fun? Maybe what's a new tradition? What's something new that I've never done for the holidays that I always wanted to do? And it was always maybe dismissed or pooh-poohed away like, No, we don't want to do that, or That's not what our family does.

What do I want to do? So I think it can be really empowering when you do set boundaries and you feel like you have control over your life and you start making the memories you want and to feel good about that. And a lot of times when we set boundaries and we're consistent, those other people that are pushing our boundaries or want it their way, a lot of times they'll come along because it gets to a point where I'm either going to get to spend time with you based on these healthy boundaries that you're setting, or I don't get to see you at all. And those are really people's choices. A lot of times, others will say like, Well, I'm going to do it because I want to see you. So okay. And it starts to just change the dynamics, and it can turn into something good. So I don't want to sound like it's all or nothing because that's not good either in all circumstances, right? But it's like maybe, Hey, mom and dad, we'd be happy to have you, but this is how and when we're going to do our holiday, and if you want to join us, that's great.

If you don't want to, we respect that as well. So you're not saying, I don't want to see you at all. It's just if I do, this is my plans this year, you're welcome to join me. But if not, I understand, right? We're looking for shades of gray, not black and white, right? Shades of gray. What does that look like for me? And I think talking to others, you can brainstorm, and other people might say, Oh, I handled it this way. I handled it that way. This is what works for me. This is what did work for me. Oh, I never even thought of that. That's a great idea. And you can just come up with some ideas you didn't even think about. What is it that's triggering me? Is it going to my parents' house where I have all these horrible memories? If it is, then let's meet outside of that home, right? So that's what I'm talking about, those types of situations. Or you might say, Hey, mom and dad, I'm happy seeing you. But if Uncle Joe is going to be there who was abusive to me, then I'm not going to come.

So if he is going to be there, we can just meet on another day. So there's another idea. So again, talking to others, if you have a therapist, I do a lot of problem-solving with my clients, and we've come up with ideas they never even thought of, where they said, I didn't think that would be okay. And so that's when we get into what are your thoughts? What are your thoughts that are causing you distress at a time when we really want to feel happy and joyful and connected to those in our lives? And don't minimize whatever your issue is because it's your issue and that's real. Don't minimize it like everyone else might. Well, it's not that big a deal. Well, it happened a long time ago. If it's still not good for me, then it's not good for me. And again, this might be your opportunity, even if it's uncomfortable, to start making better choices and start living a healthier life like you want to. And using all the CBT tools you guys have learned with me, or if you're new, you can start to learn, is whenever you have those distressing moods, we want to ask ourselves, What am I thinking about that's making me feel distressed or guilty, or ashamed, or overwhelmed, or worried?

And then figuring out, Okay, are those thoughts facts or are they hot thoughts? Hot thoughts are thoughts that aren't 100 % true, and then I need to look for some evidence and have more balanced thinking. So doing a fall record is super helpful. And I think, especially with the holidays, because it can be a big deal, doing the fall record and writing it down on paper, so you get all your thoughts down. One of the biggest problems a lot of people have when they start learning the CBT tools is they learn enough and then they just start doing it in their head. And I believe this, and it also shares, if you're reading the Mind Over Mood book, that you really need to do 40 or 50 thought records on paper, which I know sounds like a lot, but it goes pretty quick, and then it really becomes solid. Because if you start doing them too soon in your head, most likely you're just going to start identifying your thoughts and then going to positive thinking, which is not the goal here. So when you write down your thought record on paper and you really take the time and in Mind Over Mood on Chapter Seven in the third column where it says automatic thoughts, asking yourself the questions the authors wrote down really help you get to those underlying thoughts like, What is really bugging me?

What am I thinking that's really making me anxious and overwhelmed? Not just, Oh, I don't want to see them. That might be a fact. But what are the ha thoughts that are really the problem. I can't set boundaries. I can't say no. I have to go. Making assumptions if I set boundaries. Those are your ha thoughts that are really getting in the way. And by really taking the time and writing them down, that's when you're going to really get some success out of the thought record by going, Okay, those are my ha thoughts. I didn't even know I was thinking that. I really need to challenge those thoughts and let me see what I can come up with. So that would be a place to get started if you're struggling with the holidays. And what do you want to do? Also, another issue could be you and your partner are arguing about the holidays. One partner might not be ready to set boundaries with their family, and you may want to set boundaries with their family if you have issues. This is where definitely maybe finding a therapist and having that third person to walk you guys through it and find some healthy compromise, what would that look like for you guys as a family?

Because sometimes you might have a partner that's not ready to set boundaries, or maybe you're the partner that's not ready to set boundaries, and your partner is like, Your family is too dysfunctional. This happens every year. I'm not going to do that again. I'm not putting our kids in that situation, or our kids, sorry, in that situation. I'm in a situation, so that can happen a lot, right? So talking to a therapist, another plan could be, Hey, okay, we're going to go, but we're just going to stay for an hour, or if one of us gets uncomfortable, if something happens, you come up with a code word, and then you both agree if even one of you are uncomfortable, that you're going to leave. That can be a really good game plan also. That's a compromise. Okay, let's go. But if this happens again, then we're going to leave. So you might tell whoever's house you're at that that's your plan, that I'm not comfortable with this. If this happens again, I just want to let you know we're leaving early, or you can just let them know you're leaving early if that happens. So again, I don't need to go over 10,000 ideas with you guys, but I'm just throwing out some ideas and letting you think differently, get out of that box of shoulds and need tos and all of that stuff that gets in the way of like, Oh, it's supposed to be like this because this is the holiday.

And I think my experience with others with Christmas, people get really fixated on it's got to be on Christmas Day. It's got to be this way. You want this perfect day. And then when things blow up, it's just like, Oh, my God, now it's catastrophic and it's all terrible. And it doesn't have to be on that day, right? If you celebrate your Christmas on the 25th, however that is, and you're going to see your family on the 27th, that's the day that you're celebrating, and not to get too fixated on the day, the day, the day of it. So that's something that I've just experienced with a lot of clients, and we've walked through that a lot about what does that look like. So again, I think if you have a lot of conflict, really having a therapist as someone that's not connected to your family and can be unbiased and help you work through something that makes you feel comfortable is really worth your time, especially if you have a partner and you guys are having conflicts about that. There's an opportunity for you guys to come together and feel even stronger in your partnership.

So let me go on to, as I said, I was going to talk about the good stuff as well, all right? So the holidays are an opportunity for all of us to stop in our chaotic daily life and to get present and to find the meaning for us individually. And it's different for all of us, and it's not about the religious aspect at all. I really want to say it can be more on that spiritual, that collective feeling of just who's in my life? Who are the people I love? What does my life look like? Who do I want to spend this time with? Or what do I love to do? Especially during this time, the holiday lights are really festive and can be fun. Some people really enjoy that, watching certain holiday movies, going to new movies, taking a trip, doing something totally different. What is it? The holidays allow me to have some time to reflect and really reach out and make an effort to be with people that I really love and enjoy and make me feel good. Right? And if the religious part is important to you, which is lovely as well, it stops us and again, allows us to focus on what is my faith?

How do I use it in my life? How is it important to me? Am I living the way I want to live? Am I creating that community that's important to me? What is it that maybe is going on in my life that I want to change? What things in my life have I changed that I'm really proud of myself and I want to celebrate this holiday season? That things are so much better than maybe they used to be, or I can enjoy the holidays when I didn't before because I've made changes. I've created a healthier community for me. And again, whoever that is that you spend time with, the other thing is it doesn't, again, have to be family. I've met a lot of people through 12-step programs that have shared that they don't see any of their family. So I'm talking like blood relation, right? Because they're all still maybe drinking, addicts, just real dysfunctional. And their family is their 12-step community, and they get together. We've gone, because I've shared with my husband, he's in 12-step, he's in recovery, that every year we go to different parties through his meetings, and it's really fun.

They have holiday dinners, and I get to see everybody. And that's family for a lot of people in Twelve Step because others in their family have not chosen the road of recovery, and they just can't be around that because it's not good for them, it's not good for their recovery. So we want to, again, get away from the shoulds and how it's supposed to be. Whoever family is, by definition, are the people in your life that you are close to, you trust, you can depend on, you feel good when you're with them. That's family. So maybe it's time to reflect on, is that something I've created for myself? Who is important for me to hang out with and spend time? Maybe do if I want to exchange gifts or if it's just saying we haven't seen each other a long time, I love to get together during the holidays and just feel that specialness and focusing on what makes you feel good, what makes you feel loved. And again, reconnecting with friends. I know this year I'm really making an effort to see some friends that I just haven't seen for a while because we're all so busy, and I'm like, This is silly, that we live close enough to get together, and all we have to do is pick an afternoon.

And that's commitment I'm making to myself this holiday season is to reach out and just say, Enough is enough. When can you see me? And I'm going to make them get together with me. But I'm excited just thinking about it because these are some people that I really love and I care about, and we're both guilty for not making the time, but I'm going to do that. And that's what the holiday season does for me. It makes me stop and reflect and say, This is a good time to get together, and I won't probably be working as busy, I won't be... I'll have more free time, and to be able to make that happen, that's what's going to give me joy this holiday season, and that's what I'm going to focus on. I'm also going to get to spend some time with family that I don't see all the time. So I'm excited about that also. So make it personal. Have some of it that it's all about you. What would I like to do? If you have families that you need peace out and see that person, see this person, sit down with your partner or your family members and say, Okay, what's important to you?

What's important to me? How can we make this work? What plans do you have? These are my plans. Some people plan ahead. I'm more of a planner than other people. And you say, Hey, I just want to let you know I'm making these plans. And if you haven't made plans yet, then I just want to let you know where I'm at, and we'll find a time to get together. But I'm not going to wait on anybody because I want to make my holiday special for myself as well. And it can all work out. So maybe writing down, I think, what's important to me, who do I want to see, and then making that happen, and then any other extra time you have, maybe you can go join others that invite you if you choose to do so. I want to also say if you decide to check out on some of the holidays this year, or you can only pick not only, or you're going to choose to only maybe go to one party instead of five, right? Because you may be grieving. A lot of people feel sad with loved ones that aren't here with us anymore.

That can include family members, friends, some people's, your pets might not even be, whatever losses you guys have gone through, whatever losses have happened during this year in the past can be really sad because everybody's at least acting that they're very happy during this year, and you're just like, Yeah, but I'm alone, or, Oh, I missed this person, or my pet, or whatever loss I had in my life that happened around this time. Again, don't put pressure on yourself that you have to do everything. I don't want you to isolate yourself and be more depressed, but at least choose one thing for yourself that, Okay, I'm going to go spend time here, or I'm going to go do this, or I'm going to say yes to this invitation. But don't overcommit yourself, and again, make it what's best for you. So what is best for you, which I always say, Right, you want to make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel. So what is best for me? And let me really start thinking about that now while I still have a little bit of time. And I can always change plans just because I said yes doesn't mean I can't say no, I can't call up and say, This actually doesn't work for me.

I'm really sorry. Let's get together after the holidays, whatever that looks like. But please be connected to at least one or two people if you're struggling right now. Let them know it's a hard time. You might need that extra support. I might need to give you a call. If you have a support group that you're not ready, that's what's great, is you can call people any time of the day, and they're going to be there for you. So it's important to be connected and not to pull back and isolate, which can happen during this time if you're struggling. So again, just be aware. Sometimes things pop up that were like, Oh, I didn't know that was bugging me. I really need to address this. I'm not sure how. Let me go get some help. Let me go call my friend and talk this through with them. There's so many resources, so much support, and I'm always here for you guys too. I get a lot of emails that would ask me questions, not just giving me their accolades for the podcast, but, Hey, how do I handle this? What would you recommend? I do get back to everybody.

I'm here for you guys too. If you have any questions, if this podcast brings up some thoughts or feelings you didn't know you had, you're figuring out how to process them. A lot of times I can just give you direction on how to use the book. If you're looking for a therapist and I'm not available or maybe not in your state. I can always help you find a referral. So resources, resources, resources, and that's what's most important. So I hope what I talked about today was helpful, got you thinking maybe how to mix things up. What can I do differently that would bring me even more joy this holiday season? What's one thing I could do different? If I've been struggling with depression or anxiety, what is one thing I can do that I haven't been doing? And always use your CBT tools. Always ask yourself, What am I thinking that's making me feel bad? Whatever bad means, right? Depressed, anxious, scared, angry, whatever that is. And I have lots of podcasts addressing all those issues. So sometimes I get emails saying, What podcast would you recommend for this, this, and that? And I give you guys some ones to go back to.

So that's why I always mention my other podcasts when I'm doing my new ones because I have one on guilt, I have one on shame, I have one with family dysfunction, I have one with growing up in alcoholic, addictive families. So going back and listening to those can also help if any of these things I'm talking about you resonate with. But I do wish you a very happy holiday and a happy New Year. I wish you happiness and joy and good health. I encourage you to continue to work on yourself. You're so resilient, you're brave, you're worthy, you deserve to be happy and feel whole and have all the things in life that you want, and you'll have the strength to deal with whatever adversities come your way, and just saying a prayer for also the world that we all can find more peace very shortly and we can all just start within ourselves. That's the first step we can take.

So be well, be safe, and remember, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.