Episode #69 

Help For The Holidays

Billboards, tv ads, social media and super-cheery store people project an 𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗱𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗮𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝗷𝗼𝘆𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗽𝘆.

But 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁.

𝗔𝗻𝘅𝗶𝗲𝘁𝘆 over 𝗺𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘆, gift-giving, 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀, 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗳𝗮𝗺𝗶𝗹𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀, 𝗯𝗮𝗱 𝗺𝗲𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀 of holidays past, or the 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗮 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝗻𝗲 can all 𝗮𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘄𝗲 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 about the holidays.

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, in this special episode as we explore some of the 𝘂𝗻𝗶𝗾𝘂𝗲 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗲𝘀 𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝘀𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗼𝗻 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗯𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 and 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗖𝗕𝗧 𝘁𝗼𝗼𝗹𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗰𝗼𝗽𝗲 and create a holiday experience that works for you.

𝗖𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗸 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝗻𝗼𝘄!

Reference Guides:

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, this is Dr. Julia Osborn. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. And I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So I wanted to to share with you first an email I received recently from someone named Megan. I really appreciate, as always, you guys reaching out and sharing with me how the podcast has been helpful. So Megan sure that she just started working on herself and she thinks CBT is perfect for her. She says:

“I keep saying my brain just doesn't work right. I really want to be happy and I don't know how. I used to be happy and have fun. Now I hide. I've been through a traumatic year. I just wanted to say thank you.

Sincerely, Megan.”

So thank you, Meghan. I appreciate that. Keep your emails coming. Any suggestions you guys have sharing with me how this is helpful makes a really big difference for me and give me some direction on some episodes. I can work on some ideas on topics that you guys would like me to cover.

So I wanted to talk today actually about the holidays.

So I figure either have people listening that say ‘Bah humbug!’ or ‘Yay!’ I love the holidays. And I thought it was important to talk about because even though the holidays can be very joyous and fun and bring back some happy memories for a lot of you out there, it also can be a really trying time and actually bring back a lot of sad memories for people or stressors because people have to feel at least that they have to spend more money and think they have to kind of keep up with the Joneses and want to give their kids the greatest holiday ever.

Also their stressors, just having maybe to see people in your family that maybe you just don't really like or you're not that close to you're going to see them and you're not sure how to and you don't want to avoid the whole party because of one person. So I think the first thing to do if you're struggling is to think about that.

It's okay to give yourself some Grace and just acknowledge and give yourself some space if you're not feeling happy and excited. I think there's also pressure from others that they just assume you're excited about the holidays and they just assume that you like them and that you're excited and you don't want to maybe be a Downer to somebody and say, I hate the holidays or they're really tough times for me. And you might just say yes, they're great for me too. And I love celebrating, but that just isn't the case for everybody.

And that's something for us that maybe don't have issues with the holidays to be mindful and not just assume that everybody's doing okay.

What are some issues that we go through this time? Maybe someone has passed away and it's your first holiday without them. Maybe you've had a break up and you're sad that you're alone a lot of times with the holidays because of the stress. If people have addictions or other issues going on, they actually come more to the surface because the feelings are so painful, people are trying to numb themselves out. So a lot of people that grew up in homes where there was addiction, alcoholism going on, domestic violence, any kind of dysfunction, those things might have been heightened during the holidays.

So there could be a lot of bad memories, right? Or even some sad memories if financially, your family wasn't in a good place and maybe you didn't get gifts, maybe there wasn't even a tree in the house or whatever. However, you celebrate the holidays. So there's just so many things that it's possibly happened during your holidays that it actually gets triggered during this time. So I want to talk to you about, how can we use our CBT tools to help us get through this difficult time?

So first, let me say a couple of podcasts I've already done. That might be helpful. I do have one on grief dealing with difficult personalities. There might be some podcasts that might be worth listening to, just kind of processing what you're going through and who you're going to deal with at this time. So that can be a first kind of go to place.

But remember, with CBT, we want to identify what am I thinking that's making me feel sad, depressed, anxious, whatever the negative mood is, be aware of what our behaviors are by trying to deal with this and our physical reactions. Right? Remember, your thoughts. Create your moods which affect your behavior and your physical reactions. They all happen very quickly.

And then the last element is your environment, which is huge right now, your environment of being at home or even you go out to say, the mall right there's Christmas music playing it's all over the radio. The decorations are up. So again, all of this stuff can be triggered if you're struggling. So let's first be aware of what am I thinking that's making me feel stressed during this time and then being able to use a stall record. Right.

So just because I think something doesn't mean it's true, what are my hot thoughts? So maybe some hot thoughts could be that the holidays are going to be terrible. I'm going to be all about myself and be lonely. Nobody cares how I'm feeling. There's nothing I can do to make this better.

Those could all be hot thoughts, your thoughts that aren't 100% true. They're going to really feed into possibly the depression, that anxiety, that sadness, the grief that you're feeling, and it's all real. Member of Hot Thoughts it's not 100% true. So there is some truth that I feel said during the holidays. There is some truth that maybe others won't understand or think about what I'm going through, right.

So that part is true. Possibly. But what part isn't true that there are things you can do to make a difference. I can reach out. I can let the people close to me and let them know I'm having a hard time.

I can go find a therapist that I can talk with and give me the support I need and teach me some tools on how to get through. Maybe my grief, my anger, my sadness, whatever that looks like, I can create environments that are supportive. I can choose to do some things that maybe would bring some fun. Are there any memories you do have from your childhood, from the relationships you have from the people that you missed? Or there are certain things you did together, some places, even here in California, I am, even though it doesn't snow in my part that they have holiday rinks open.

So you see people out ice skating. So there's different things you can do that maybe can create some happy memories. Maybe things you did before or things you did with the particular people you may be missing. So again, we want to give ourselves that space to feel sad and cry and go through the grief so that we don't go through it another time. But also, there's a lot of evidence that I can create and walk through this time, even though it's difficult and make it better for me, it's really going to be up to you and what you choose to do.

You can choose to not deal with any of it, and you can choose to do the old behaviors that probably aren't helping, right? Because a lot of people live their life between their mood and behavior. So depending on how you feel determines what you do. So that's always a choice. But if it really hasn't helped in the past, let's try something different.

What have you got to lose? Right? If we know what I do in the past doesn't work. Let me try something different this time. Let me put myself in a place where there might be some joy, even if I don't feel like it, because I want to make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel and see how it goes.

Maybe going to a play about the holidays would be fun saying yes to a party that a friend is inviting you to, whatever it is. Let me just try something different. You're never stuck anywhere. If you want to get up and leave, you can and go home if it's too difficult. But the least trying is making that effort and starting to change how you're thinking, right?

So when I go and do something different and I say, you know what? That was okay. That wasn't too bad. I enjoyed hearing the singing or meeting new people. It's a start.

It doesn't mean it's just going to change overnight. I have a lot of clients are like, well, I did this, but I don't feel any better. That's normal if you're definitely dealing with depression and even anxiety or whatever else you're going through, that even though you do a positive behavior, it doesn't mean it's just going to change everything. But the research shows that when people start changing their behavior and they're consistent, it does make a difference to help you get to a better place. So have realistic expectations.

Also, if I do this for myself doesn't mean I'm going to feel all happy again. But it's something I did. It's something different and it's taking a step forward and it's being able to say, okay, I thought I wasn't going to have any fun, but you know what? It was. Okay.

So I can have some new thoughts about trying new things and what it might actually look like. So there's your thought record, right. So I thought I can't do anything about myself feeling better during this time. But now my new thought could be that although I do have some sadness and grief during the holidays, trying new things and being with new people made a difference for me. So that's that balance thinking we talk about.

And that's where the research shows with the CBT, that when you do think differently and you have balance thinking that you actually change your brain chemistry for the better. So you want to feel more empowered. There's a lot of things you can do for yourself. And the holidays doesn't have to be the dreaded time of year, and something else you can do is what do I want it to look like? If I don't like the old traditions or they bring back bad memories, make your own, how do you want it to be?

What did you wish it was like and see what you can do to create that? Whatever it is that makes you feel good is good with me. And it's all right. So I would try something new and different and don't feel like you have to stick with the same old thing. I also wanted to talk about that.

Sometimes we see family members during the holidays that might not be in our favorite list. Bring us stress, maybe even some negative memories from the past again, based on what your family went through. So I've talked for years with clients that if you're going to choose to still go to say the holiday party and you're stressed about seeing somebody where you've had maybe conflict, or maybe they're just really intrusive. And they ask you too many personal questions that you don't want to answer. Come up with the plan ahead of time and how you're going to approach that person.

So a couple of little tricks of the trade, you can always just say Hi to the person versus how are you? How are you opens up the door to have a conversation with them. So I always say all you have to do is be polite. That's the best way to handle things. So if you say Hi, Merry Christmas.

Happy Hanukkah. Happy holidays. However you want to approach them, that's all you need to do. I also share with someone you feel trust with and comfortable. Aunt sue is going to be showing up today.

I'm not really comfortable talking with her last time she was really intrusive or I just don't want to hear about her life all day long. Maybe some people talk about themselves a lot. Can I stay by you? Can you kind of be my go to person if you see, I'm kind of stuck listening to something. If you can maybe pull me away.

So you'll make a plan with someone you feel comfortable with that has your back and your support and understands how you're feeling. So you're not there just in your head. Like, how am I going to handle this? Nobody knows what I'm going through. I don't want to bring anybody down, reach out for support.

You do not have to do this alone. It's okay if you don't like somebody, it's okay if you're not comfortable. But come up with a plan because you want to remember going into anxious situations. Make it harder when you don't plan ahead. So when you have a plan on how I'm going to handle this person or this situation, your anxiety, you'll probably still have some because that's normal, but it can go way down because you're not just going to hope that things go well.

I always tell people, you know, hope is not a plan. I want a plan. Even maybe asking the person who's having the party if you're close with them. Like, can you help me sit next to this person or that person? Because I feel more comfortable.

So again, you have way more control than maybe you give yourself credit for. You just have to think about what's going to be best for me. Who can I talk to? How do I want things to go? And at some point, if I want to leave, I always have that option.

Don't ever tell yourself that you're stuck because you're not. Even if you're staying at that person's house, you might say, oh, I'm feeling a little tired. I'm going to go lay down early. Whatever it is that you want to come up with is okay. You don't owe anybody anything, but all you have to do is be polite.

Then people won't say what's wrong. You seem sad. Then it opens up another conversation you don't want to get stuck in, right? So let's think about what's best for us. And let's talk to someone that can support us.

And then you know what? You also may choose not to go. That's okay too. If you really don't want to. If there's too many people there you don't want to spend time with, you don't want to have to interact with.

It feels too overwhelming. That's okay too. That's taking care of yourself. That's giving yourself that Tracel to say, I don't have to show up to every party. Maybe I'll go to one.

I don't have to go to all three this week, and my family is going to do whatever is best for you as long as you're just not avoiding it, because that's the easiest route. And I know sometimes it's hard to decide. Am I avoiding or is this best for me? So that's where having maybe a therapist to talk to is helpful and also doing the fall record and say, what am I thinking about that's wanting me to avoid, which is the behavior the situation is it a bunch of hot thoughts.

And can I come up with a better balance thought, which will allow me to make a good decision?

So I'm not just racking off of my moods. So these are some ways to walk through this and again make the best decision for you. And you may say I'm just going to come and have a meal. I'm going to leave, or I'm just going to come by a little later and just have dessert with you guys and spend maybe an hour. So again, lots of options.

Hopefully that will help bring some anxiety down that I'm not just thinking I'm stuck having to do all these things because that's what my family wants, or I'm going to upset my mom or I'm going to accept my dad. So again, it might be a different behavior for you to think about yourself and do what's best for you instead of just trying to please everybody. But when things come up that are difficult, I like to say to myself, okay, here's an opportunity for me to work on this issue for me to handle it better for maybe me to have a conversation with somebody I've been avoiding instead of that thought of like, oh, no, I have to deal with this.

I don't want to deal with this. The holidays come up.

I have to see all these people, so it creates a lot more anxiety and stress when we kind of do the versus. Okay, here's an opportunity for me to continue my personal growth, which is what I've been trying to work on. And maybe that's even a way you can share with whoever you're going to talk to. That this is kind of a difficult conversation for me, but I'm trying to be healthier and I want to have better relationships. So I want to use this as an opportunity to talk to you about some things I'm stressed about with the holidays coming up.

And these are some ideas that I would like to incorporate this year that I haven't done before. Are you open to that? Would you like to join me? Maybe they can give you some ideas. Surprisingly, people are much more supportive and loving than we give them credit for when we are honest and authentic and sharing where we're coming from, because the people that care and love you don't want you to be uncomfortable and don't want you to be anxious and don't want you to just do things to make them happy.

They want to do what's best for you, and then everybody can grow and hopefully get closer. So I'm not guaranteeing everything's going to go smooth. Not everybody you talk to is into personal growth, right? So you have to be mindful, like, maybe this won't go exactly the way I wanted to, but maybe it will turn out even better than I think. But the most important thing is that at the end of the day, I did what was best for me, and I honored myself.

That's another podcast that could be helpful I just thought of is honoring yourself. That's what it's called. I'm honoring myself, and I'm not walking away thinking there's another situation that I just did what was best for everyone else and not me. I'm still depressed and anxious and upset, and I'm going home, and it even feels worse. Here's the time.

Let's start speaking up for ourselves. Let's start making decisions based on what's best for us, not how we feel. Let's not always put everybody in front of us. Let's find a more balanced way of I'm going to be there for them because I love them. But I'm also going to be there for myself because I'm wanting to love myself as well.

So maybe the holidays don't have to be Baja bug. They can be okay. I can start to enjoy them, and I can start finding some meaning in the holidays for myself. What does it really mean versus maybe what I was taught or how I was raised? What makes it special for me?

What would I enjoy? That's what will really change the way you're thinking will change how you're feeling and get you to the place that you're working on. That's important for you and what's best for you. And when you're happy, you want to remember it's best for everyone in your life, your family, your kids, your friends, people can see when we're not doing well, and that can affect them, too. So I know we tend to think I just need to do this for this person or that person, but your children and your family members are affected when you're not feeling happy and you're not good and you're not showing up to things.

So actually taking care of yourself and making decisions based on what's best for you, not just how you feel will benefit everybody. So if you think, oh, I'm just being selfish, wanting to be happy or I'm being selfish making these choices or I'm being selfish not showing up. If it's really what's best for you and you're honestly working on yourself and making strides and going to some places that are uncomfortable so that you can be a happier person. It's not selfish because it's actually going to help everybody else in your life as well.

So maybe that's a different way of thinking about making these changes that helps you and everyone else, especially say, for example, if you've always been a pleaser, right?

It's like people aren't going to like this because they like the old me, the old me that wants to please everybody. And that's true as well. But the people that are willing to understand and listen will be there. Maybe not everybody, or they may push back because they want the old you. But if you're consistent and have healthy boundaries and do what's best for you and share why you're doing what you're doing, if that's appropriate as well, to let them know that this is helping you to get to a better place in your life.

And again, being consistent is super important with people that are pushing back. Eventually, most people will come around because they want you in their life and they're seeing like, oh, you're actually serious this time, right? You're not just saying and then you go back to your behavior, you're really being consistent, having those boundaries and you're a happier person for it, and it can all work out. So everything is always easier said than done. I want to tell you that I know my clients say a lot.

This is really hard, easier said than done. I say everything is if it was easier, would have done it already. Right? Anything hard is important. I've said this before, but it's worth repeating that I have never been able to find anything that's important that is easy.

That includes loving people, being there for people, making the best decisions, doing what's right. All of those things can be hard sometimes, but that's because they're important, and we want our life to be filled with things that are important. If everything's just easy, we're not going to feel very much and we're not going to give much depth. We're not going to be authentic people in our lives if we're just taking the easy route. So when you say, wow, this is really hard, or she makes it sound so easy.

It's not. And I want to be clear on that. I understand how hard it is, but I also know it's worth it. I've walked through difficult things in my life and had to set boundaries with people. And in the long run, it's improved the relationships.

Sometimes maybe I've had to end a relationship, but maybe that was what was best. And it's been helpful for me to be the happiest person I can be because I'm honoring myself, and then I end up bringing more people into my life that can love me and be there for me the way I need them to, because I'm healthier, and then they're going to be the healthier ones that come into my life, and I can share time with them or as well as with my family and my relationships can just be better.

So I know I've shared a lot of different things today. I just want to give you lots of different ideas on how to take care of yourself, how to allow the holidays to hopefully be a happier time than maybe they've been in the past. For those of us that like the holidays, let's be mindful of those that might be going through difficult times and just kind of, you know, it's okay to bring that up.

I know you've lost a loved one. Are you doing okay? Can I do anything for you? What would be helpful? So if you're thinking about those things, just bring them up.

Even if someone is putting on a good face, don't think that that's really how they're feeling. So those of us that, like the holidays can be there for others and maybe bring some joy to them and share with them what we like with the holidays, but also understand it might be difficult. Don't take it personally if they don't come to your party or if they leave early. And for those of you that are struggling with the holidays, think about how do I want to create a new tradition for myself?

Is there someone that I want to share with what I've been going through that maybe they don't understand?

Is there someone I can talk to? If I'm going to go to this party that can help me get through this? If they notice I'm having a difficult time, or maybe I don't really want to talk to certain people and they kind of be that buffer lots of different ideas.

If you have any questions, please reach out. You can reach me through email at MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com.

My website is mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com. You can reach me through there. I have some other newsletters, some videos and things that can be helpful.

I really love to give you some ideas if you're feeling stuck in some way. So I do wish you a happy holiday, a happy New Year, good health. And what are the goals that I want to set for myself so that I can start feeling better if I am struggling at this time or in my life in general. And how can I use my CBT tools to make that happen? Remember, all of our moods are created by the way we think so.

If you're having a negative mood, we need to figure out what you're thinking; is it a hot thought? And how can I challenge you to have more balance thinking so be kind to yourself. Give yourself that grace if needed.

I appreciate your time with me today. I hope this was helpful. Again, reach out if you have any questions.

Please hit the Subscribe button and make sure you don't miss any other episodes in the future.

Thanks for joining me.

Stay safe. Until we talk again.