Episode #98

How CBT Can Help With Fear

Fear is something we all battle with at times. But sometimes fear can build up because of childhood experiences.

How can you regain control of your fear?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you some CBT tools and a great book resource that can help you combat your fears.

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi! My name is Dr. Julie Osborn. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

I hope everyone is doing well so far in the year of 2023. I wanted to start off by sharing a new review I got on my Apple podcast. That's the place you guys can always give some feedback back, which I really appreciate.

It's titled needed these podcasts. I'm struggling in bipolar two, depression, generalized panic disorder, and many physical health problems. Right now I can't afford talk therapy.

On top of all the other doctor bills, even though it's been recommended by my psychiatrist and primary care doctor. I also don't particularly want to medicate myself to deal with the depression and.

Anxiety, or rather learn coping strategies. That's where this podcast has come in handy for me.

It's helping me to understand how to deal with these issues in a more.

Constructive manner rather than just popping his annex.

I understand I can't just stop my medications, but at least now I can start to use healthier coping strategies in my daily life and hopefully taper the medication down eventually. Thank you so much, doctor.

You're really helpful. So I really appreciate that. Again, if you subscribe to Apple podcasts, you can write a review and not miss an episode. So today I wanted to talk about fear and how that gets in the way of our lives so many, many years ago. I have a book, found a book, I should say, by two authors, a husband and wife named John and Linda Freel. And the book is called Adult Children.

The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families.

So if it's okay, I say most.

Of us could probably read this book, right?

We also had some dysfunction in our lives. But there was a story that I.

Used to share when I ran groups.

That I just thought was really great.

And I'm actually going to read it.

To you and then talk a little.

Bit more about how do we face our fears. How can we get past that? Using our CPT tool.

So take a seat back and relax. And the story is called kissing Your Monster on the Nose. So once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in a village far from the big city. The village was nestled in a beautiful sunlit valley surrounded by a tall snowpath mountain range. As the little girl grew older, she began to take hike in the foothills at the base of the mountains. And when she became a teenager, she.

Asked her parents if she could hike.

Over the mountains to the village on.

The other side to visit her grandparents.

At first, her parents were very upset and worried, and they told her that.

She should not go.

But the little girl pleaded and begged and argued that someday she would be a young woman and that she would have to grow up sometime.

After several months of debate, her parents.

Finally agreed to let her go. Her father and mother taught her all the things that they knew about hiking and camping and surviving alone in the woods. They made her a backpack at a sturdy canvas, helped her pack, and then they all knelt down and prayed that she might have a safe journey. The next day, she began to trek over the mountains. Her first night alone was scary, but she managed to build a good fire, ate some of the sausage and cheese that her father had packed for her, and then fell asleep, covered by the salt quilts that her mother had made for her. The howling of the wolves really frightened her, but she kept her fire burning brightly most of the night, which made her feel safer. The next day, she awoke with the sun, ate her biscuits in jam while sunning herself on a big granite rock, then began hiking up the mountains. Late in the afternoon, as the sun slipped behind the tops of mountain, she reached a fork in the path. She did not know which way to go. Perplexed, she sat down and prayed for wisdom. A few minutes later, she heard terrible, frightening noises coming from the direction of both paths.

Her heart raced and her palms sweated. Suddenly, from both paths, two monsters appeared. They were growling, gurgling, grumbling and snorting. The little girl grabbed her backpack and began to run down the hill back toward her village. And then something inside her told her to stop. Other people have hiked these mountains and.

Returned to tell about it.

She thought to herself, maybe I better go back and see what this is all about. The little girl stopped and turned around. The monsters had stopped right at the fork in the road, and something told her that they were trying to communicate with her. Slowly and carefully, she walked back toward the monsters. As she got closer, the monster guarding the path on the left side said, take this path. It's much safer and much quicker. Take this path and you'll see your grandparents tomorrow night. At that very moment, the monster guarding the path on the right began to screech and howl. A horrible, blood curling howl. Fire belched from its mouth, smoked, poured from its nose, and the little girl was terribly frightened. She bolted toward the monster on the left. As she got closer, she noticed that the monster on the left was not as ugly as the one on the right, and it was definitely not as scary. The closer she came to the one on the left, the louder. The one on the right howled.

She was so confused that she did.

Not know what to do. The monster on the left spoke in a soft voice, trust me, I'm not as ugly as the other monster, and I do not make those disgusting noises. With that, the monster on the right screamed and gurgled and snorted and puffed even more. She began to take the path to the left, fearful even more that if she did not hurry, the other monster would chase after her and tear her to shreds. A few hundred yards down the path she looked back to see if the.

Other monster was chasing her.

It was still standing at the fork in the path and it was screaming and howling more and more, but it was not chasing her. And then she stopped. The monster on the left path was walking a few steps ahead of her and it just smiled at her, someone condescendedly, as if to say, don't be a fool. And then something inside of her told her to go back and take the right path. The closer she came to the fork in the road, the faster she ran until only seconds later she was running down the right path and up into the mountains. She didn't know why she made this choice, but she just kept going. At the last bit of twilight drifted into the blackness of night, she looked down the mountain side from whence she had come. She could not see the fork in the path and she could see the path she had taken as well as the one that was almost took. Then she heard a thundering, rumbling, smashing, crashing, crushing sound that came from the left side of the mountain. Straining to see in the near darkness, she saw a huge section of the mountain break loose and hurdle the left path below.

Tons of rock and earth obliterated the left path as precisely the time that she would have been there had she gone that way. She fell to the ground and cried, releasing all the anxiety and tension over the past few hours. Then, just a few feet in front of her appeared the ugly monster who had been guarding the right path. She looked up and gazed into its eyes. It was not howling and grumbling at all. Its eyes seemed peaceful and deep. Its face had softened into a compassionate gaze. Without knowing why, the little girl jumped up and kissed the monster on the nose. The monster blushed and smiled. My name is Fear, said the monster. And that other one's name is Destruction. If you run away from me without listening to what I have to say.

You might end up avoiding something that.

Is important for you. But if you listen to me just right and learn to make friends with me, then you will have wisdom. As for the monster guarding the left path, no matter how attractive it seems on the surface, nothing good ever comes from destruction. The little girl completed her journey after visiting her grandparents. Safely home in her own village, her parents noticed something very different about her. She was a young woman now who.

Had learned to make friends with her.

Fear instead of being paralyzed or destroyed by it. The end. I hope you enjoyed that story.

Again, I found this years ago, and.

I'm like I love this story because it really describes what most of us go through, right? We'd like to take the easier path.

The path that looks like it won't.

Be as hard, right? Instead of stopping and having that wisdom to say, okay, this is a scary thing in my life, but let me stop and think about it and not.

Make decisions based on how I feel, right?

Because fear is a feeling, and you.

Never make good decisions based on your feelings.

And if you allow fear to control your life, you're really stuck. You're not moving forward, you're not moving.

Backwards, you're not in sideways.

I say fear is like beating quicksit, and you're just stuck, right?

And you're letting them make your decisions, and it's just not going to work for you.

So it's normal to fear fearful. And fear has a good place in our lives for many reasons, and hopefully.

It brings attention to us when we.

Need to be concerned, but we got to work through it, not let it control us, right? So why am I feeling fearful? That's my mood.

So what do we do?

We go back to what am I thinking about?

Right?

Our thoughts create our moods. So what are my thoughts? What are my half thoughts, my thoughts.

That aren't 100% true?

And let me challenge those, because if I'm just living off of fear, that's.

Just going to determine my behavior. So remember many times I have said.

To you guys, most people live based on their moods, which determines their behavior. So I'm fearful, so I'm going to avoid, I'm going to isolate.

I'm going to take the easier road.

I'm not going to really try.

I'm going to just stay in the.

Safe, comfortable place, but I'm not going.

To really be able to reach my goals, right? So we just go from mood to behavior, mood to behavior.

And as I've said many times, I.

Think that's why most people don't get better is because they find something that.

Works for them, even if it's not really healthy, but in that moment, it relieves that anxiety you're feeling, right, which.

Is the fear, the uncertainty, all of the things, all the negative mood you might be feeling.

And oh, you know what? Avoiding just that makes it easier. Or I'm going to take the easy path, or I'm going to just stay in a job I'm not happy with.

Because at least I got a job. And I don't know what it would look like if I changed things or taking that risk. So there's many situations in your life that I know you can relate to.

This and to start using it, right? And we want to have the wisdom in our lives to say, okay, fear.

Is getting in the way.

We want to have the wisdom to.

Know what things can I change and what things can't I?

And having that wisdom, I can focus.

On the things I can change, the.

Things I do have control over, and that's how I can make my life better for me. So going back in the story, one.

Of the things that she said to.

Herself when she stopped and she was going to just go back home, she said, maybe I better go back and see what this is all about.

Right.

And it says here that was the thought she had to herself. She also said other people have hiked over these mountains and returned to tell about it. So her thoughts is what determined her behavior instead of letting that fear get.

In the way in that moment. And she thought, I'm going to go.

Back and really look at these two.

Monsters and figure out what to do because other people have gone through this, I can probably handle it myself. She didn't make a decision because her moods changed. She made a decision to do that.

And then her other thoughts that were hot was when she told herself to take this path, it's safer and much quicker.

Right.

Hearing that from the monster and she thought, okay, I'm just going to listen to that, instead of saying, well, I don't know if that's really true. I don't know if that's safer just because it's easier.

Most of us can look back in.

Our lives I know I can, and.

Say some of the most difficult things.

I've gone through have not been pretty easy or safe.

Right.

Scary, anxious, unpredictable.

Right.

But if I got to reach that goal, I'm going to have to go through some discomfort.

But is it worth it?

To me, things that are easy are not important.

You guys, I've never been able to find anything in life that's easy.

That's also important. Important things are hard. Important things are challenging. Even loving people is challenging. Right. Doing the right things sometimes can be challenging.

So if you're struggling with something instead.

Of being like, oh, why is this so difficult? Remind yourself it's important. That's why it's difficult. Because if it's easy, you would have done it already. So it still always goes back. Right.

Using our CBT tools. What environment am I in? What are my negative moods that are getting in the way of my life or stopping me or making me feel bad about myself or my situation?

Right.

And what am I thinking that's causing all of this for me? What are my hot thoughts so I can start challenging them and I can change your behavior? I can try something different.

I can share what I'm thinking with.

My therapist, with my friends, with my.

Family, using my mind over movie book, using my thought record.

Right.

Writing stuff down and saying, wow, you know what? I didn't really even know I had.

That thought until I wrote it down.

And really asked myself those questions about what does this mean about me and my life and my future and others?

What's the worst thing that could happen? And saying, wow, most of my thoughts aren't even true.

They're based on fear, being anxious, being scared, being disappointed, and how can I use this information now that I know that they're not true, to be able to use some evidence? What evidence do I have that my thoughts are true? What evidence do I have that they're not true so I can start balancing them out. So take a minute and ask yourself.

Is fear playing a role in my life?

Or do other people also put their fears on me?

Right?

I can say as a parent, for example, that I have all girls and some of my daughters have traveled to other countries by themselves.

So as a mom, a woman, I'm.

Like, I don't know if you should do that because I'm scared, I'm nervous. Luckily, they didn't listen to me and they still made their own decisions. And it's normal that I was nervous, but luckily I didn't get in the way of them doing things that they want to do and going forward in their lives. And they've even been able to push me to get out of some of my fears or try new things. And I know when I have pushed myself, taken those deep breaths and said, okay, I'm going to do this, I've always been happy. It's always increased my self confidence, my.

Selfesteem I feel proud.

I still look back at those situations, I'm thinking about that it was all on me.

Like I had support.

But Julie, I had to take that step and deal with that.

And I've also learned over the years.

In my life and sharing my story with people that I know in the past, I really minimized the things that I have accomplished or that I got through. I'd say the biggest thing was when my parents divorced and my mom moved.

Away, I would share and it'd be.

Like, oh, yeah, my mom moved away and I was okay, and tell the rest of my story. And people would always be like, what? Wow, you really turned out okay. Seemed like you're doing well. That's a big deal. And I would just kind of minimize it. And then after I went to my therapy and realized, like, you know what?

That was a big deal.

That was the biggest thing in my life. And I need to really embrace it and work through it and see if it is holding me back still. And what fears do I have because of what I went through? So ask yourself, too, am I minimizing the things that I've gone through?

Right.

And not really taking that moment and say, you know what?

That was a big deal.

And I did get through it and I did make good choices and I did reach out and get the help I need, even if I didn't even have the tools back then yet. But I knew I needed to do something because my fears based on my experiences were getting in the way and I didn't have the wisdom then to be able to even see it or I was too scared to really make those changes.

Right?

Because then you have all the what if thoughts.

What if this doesn't work out?

What if that doesn't work out? And that just creates anxiety. So doing like a bit of an inventory. I know I talked about this a little bit in my last podcast about your resolutions.

Taking an inventory in your life and.

Saying, is my fear or any other of my moods, you know, getting in the way, you know, let me listen to what other people in my life that I really love and respect and are healthier. Saying, you know what, that was a big deal. You really did well and kind of taking that inventory, thinking about the things you've accomplished. I tell my clients that as you're getting better, I always say, well, what are you doing that's helping? We tend to focus on what we're not doing. We want to say, what am I doing that's working? Oh, I'm getting more sleep. I'm not maybe hanging out with people that have not been positive for me.

Right.

I'm changing my habits. You need to start thinking about what is working for me if I'm going in the direction I want to go, because those are the things you want to continue with. And I suggest, like writing them down.

Don'T assume you're going to remember because you won't.

And when you're having a tough day and you're struggling to get going, you.

Can open up that notebook and look.

And say, oh yeah, these are all the things that I'm doing that are working. Let me pick one. So let's remember, just going over the CBT a little bit related to the story that I shared today. And remember the name of the story was kissing the monster on the nose. So we found out the monster was fear, right? So kissing the monster on the nose is embracing your fear, embracing your negative moods, understanding what are my thoughts that are creating this, understanding why am I feeling this? What's going on in my environment? And how can I kiss my monster on the nose? How can I use that to my benefit and move forward and start making decisions based on what's best for me, not how I feel?

Right?

That's what that story is all about to my mantra. How could I make decisions based on what's best for me, not how I feel? So most likely I'm going to say because it's a habit. I don't feel like doing it. I don't feel like doing that. I don't feel like doing change. I don't feel like doing my homework for my therapy.

Right.

But what's really best for me, because.

Things that are best for you take effort, but the payoff is so worth it.

And as you start doing more good things for yourself, you're going to build up your own self esteem and your own self worth. And the better you feel about yourself.

And the more worthy you feel, the.

More things you're going to do for yourself.

So we're talking about fear, wisdom, but.

Obviously there's hundreds and hundreds of moods. Whatever that mood is for you, that's getting in your way. Think about how you can start making changes using the tools you're learning here and be able to go forward. That's what you're going to be able to do when you have tools, instead of just hoping your day goes well, because that's not a good plan. So again, I hope you enjoyed my story. If you want to check out the books, really good book again, it's called.

Adult Children the Secrets of Dysfunctional Families.

By John and Linda Freel. They have some other books, but this one I really like and maybe I'll find some other stories to share with.

You guys in the future. So I hope you found this helpful and it made you think about yourself and your life and what changes you want to make.

As always, I love hearing back from you guys.

You can find me on my website at MyCognitiveBehavioralTherapy.com.

I'm also on TikTok and Instagram under My CBT Podcast, and under Dr. Julie Osborn on Facebook.

Please keep sharing your thoughts, your concerns, your questions. I love hearing your feedback.

And as always, please pass this along to others who might find helpful or they may find it helpful.

And just repeat my mantra, because it can't hurt, is: Make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.

Have a great week and take care.

Bye.