Episode #47 

Are You Judging Me?

Do you feel exhausted trying to keep up with other people's expectations of you?

Do you feel like you're constantly being judged?

In this episode, Dr Julie looks at the insecurities and anxieties many of us feel in response to other's perceived judgement of us. She explains some of the reasons these insecurities can develop, and shares how you can harness the power of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to challenge these thoughts and experience relief.

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, my name is Dr. Julie Osborn. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

So I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your life. In this podcast, I'm going to answer your questions and share with you some practical ways to apply CBT principles so you can achieve a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in your life and relationships. So let me first share is I always like to I got a new Apple review, which I always appreciate you guys leaving for me.

So this is from Fiona and it says, “Amazing! Life-changing! I'm still learning, but the most important lesson I've learned is make decisions based on what is best for you, not how I feel. Thank you, Dr. Julie.”

Perfect, Fiona, thank you so much.

That's what I share every week, right. My mantra: “Make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.” And why that's so important is because when we make decisions based on how we feel, we do not make good decisions. And I say that's even for good feelings, because sometimes we can be impulsive when something feels good or something feels right. And then we're like, they should have thought about that a little more. So it's not just for negative feelings.

So you want to ask yourself what is best for me? I don't tell people what's best for them because I believe we all have the answer. If we're honest with ourselves and it's a really good place to get centered and be more present, to be able to make good decisions and to figure out what is best for you. Because, again, if we make decisions based on how we feel when it comes to things that are good for us, we probably won't be doing much of them, like, you know, taking care of business, working out maybe even healthy, working on a relationship.

I don't really feel like it. I don't feel like going to work out. I don't feel like this. I don't feel like that. So, you know, we tend to have those thoughts that we give ourselves permission not to do what's best for us. So if you can just say what is best for me and go with that going forward, you will start making much better decisions for yourself. So thanks again, Fiona. I appreciate when you guys subscribe and post and give some good feedback.

It's really helpful and hopefully encourages other people to listen and, you know, get their interest in learning what it's all about. So what I wanted to talk today on my podcast really came from many, many of my clients who really struggle with worrying so much about what other people think of them too. Well, it can be debilitating. And I talk about this at least, you know, a few times a week with some of my clients. So I thought, you know, this be a really good podcast to do because, you know, we all have moments of caring what people think, but a lot of people care too much about what people think too much of the time.

And it can cause a lot of problems in your life. So that's what I want to talk about today. And then we'll obviously talk about how you can use your CBT tools to help change this.

So I want to first ask yourself, you know, do you spend your day asking yourself, what do they think of me? How can I get them to like me? What if I don't measure up? I have to fit in. They're judging me. So if these are some common thoughts that go through your mind, you know, you're probably worrying too much about what other people think about you.

It's something you can ask yourselves as they're making some changes is, you know, are you judging everyone? And if not, which is most likely because we tend not to judge everyone. Why is it so true that everyone is judging you? So one of our CBT tools that I use a lot is called double standard technique, which is a double standard. Right. That why is it that everyone's judging me even though I'm not judging everybody? But, you know, that's that must be my truth when it isn't right that I want to give us some balance that we do judge people and we're going to be judged.

That's just the way the world goes. But now we're it's detrimental now where we lose sleep over it. Now, where it's causing us negative emotions is just kind of the way the world works. And there's a difference between, you know, people judging you and that affecting your life, because most of the time we don't even know. It's just these huge assumptions that we're making. But then we make decisions based on those assumptions. Right, that they're judging me.

So I need to be a certain way or I said something silly or stupid or embarrass myself. I need a change. I need to not be my true self because they're going to judge me. So that's making decisions about your life that isn't even fair to you and might not even be true when you care too much.

The ultimate sacrifice is your own mental health and emotional sanity. Caring too much prevents you from sending proper boundaries for yourself with others. You'll spend all of your time and energy and others needs while you ignore your own. Because you're telling yourself what everybody else thinks about you is more important. And as I said earlier, you could make life decisions based on what others think is best for you, maybe like college, who to marry or career to have. You know, I've talked to people that have just gone off of maybe what their parents or relatives or friends told them without saying really what was best for me or what do I want.

But because I care so much about what other people think or how society sees me, then I need to make these choices even. It's really not my passion or who I am, which is really sad when we feel or think I should say that were getting approval from others. It gives us a higher sense of self esteem, but I don't think it's a real true sense of self-esteem. We convince ourselves that others recognition matters to our self-worth and how deeply we value ourselves, which is really sad because your value, you want to come from you and not from outside of yourself, because when others judgment isn't good, then you won't feel good about you.

Right. So while seeking approval from others may be inevitable, I mean, that does happen in life. Problems can arise depending on how much you desire it. So again, I want to give some balance.

I don't want you to say, hey, Dr. Julie, like, that's silly. Of course people are going to judge us or sometimes we need people to approve of something or my boss needs to feel like I'm doing a good job, you know? Yes. That's all true. Balance, balance, balance. You know, we're doing shades of gray, not black and white here. Although what I'm talking about is, you know, when it exceeds that, when I'm thinking all day long or worried all day long or keeping myself up at night worrying about what other people think or how I came across or my boss likes me enough or if I fit in or, you know, all of those things.

Right. That's when it becomes a problem. And that's usually because I don't have strong enough self-esteem, good enough self-confidence that I can maybe have a conversation about this with my boss, if it's important, or that I can feel secure enough that the decisions I'm making and how I'm handling myself regarding whether it's work or relationships, you know, is good. I have good boundaries. And, you know, and to get to the point where it's okay that I may be judged and even expected and not get wrapped up in it and just know it's part of life, but I'm not going to let it affect my self-worth and who I am.

That's when it really can become a huge problem. And just to add to what I'm saying, you know, when we base our feelings on others opinions, we allow them to control our lives based on how they see us, whether they feel good or feel bad. So that's you know, again, we're giving our control up. Right. Based on how you feel about me will be how I feel about me. And it change here. Other people's actions make you feel you really only have to change your thinking, which is great, because we can do that.

Right. And you also need to trust who you are and why you're doing things that you are doing, the choices that you're making. You know, the most successful people in the world were ridiculed and shamed the most for their dreams. Right. You can't do that. That's pie in the sky. That's too big. You're not going to get there. And look how many people have been successful, you know, even though they were shamed and judged for what they wanted to do.

So there's lots and lots of different examples of when people just, you know, push through this. And that's something that you can do as well. So let's talk about a little bit where it comes from as well, right? People are like, why? Why is someone more insecure, more worried? Other people don't really care. Right. So sometimes you come from our parents, our environment. Right. Which is part of Sebti members. Our thoughts or moods or behaviors or physical reactions in our environment is a huge factor also.

So, again, from our parents, if we saw them care about what others thought, you know, don't behave the way our neighbors will judge us.

Be quiet. Don't don't let them hear us fighting or you need to look a certain way. You need to be a certain way when you greet your grandparents like, you know, yeah, there's some respect there. But also, you know, it's a message as it matters what other people think, don't tell them about certain parts of us, maybe not even share maybe what your faith is. Right. Or where your background is, because people will judge us.

I mean, we can go on and on. And that can be where we learn that it's like, OK, my parents are educating and educating me. I'm sorry. I want to say teach me that other people matter. And so I take that in my life. It could also be from traumatic events in your life, like being bullied. Right. So if you're bullied and felt bad about yourself and nobody stuck up for you and they put you down and called you names, your self-worth is less.

And then you're going to care possibly about what other people think, even more so people that deal with what we call generalized anxiety disorder.

You know, in a lot of times people have excessive worrying when you have generalized anxiety disorder and part of worrying about what other people think and how you're seen and perceived as a big part of that. So it could just come from dealing with really difficult anxiety so people get embarrassed easily than others. Some people, you know, you may have in your life that, you know, I admire when I see people that can be really silly in public and not care what other people think because they just don't get embarrassed.

You know, they can laugh at themselves, very freeing. But sometimes we may feel embarrassed really easily. So we're going to be very conscious and worried and maybe avoid even doing things are going places because we're worried about how people will judge us or how we'll look. And then, of course, societal values and how we look specifically.

Right.

There's so much social media about how your body should look and what your weight should be. And you know everything about your physique. And that's a judgment right there. Right. If I don't look like, you know, the girl on the cover of the magazine, then I'm not going to fit in because that's what everybody thinks it should be, which we know is not true.

But that's the message. So I'm just throwing out a few ideas here, and I'm sure you guys give me a lot of other ones of where did this come for you? And to think about, you know, was this something I was taught? Is this just my own internal anxiety, my own self-worth that I need to work on? You know, where did it come from? Because I want to work on it. I want to make myself better because I'm exhausted and worrying about what everybody thinks about me, which I don't even know if they do.

And I always tell my clients that, you know, ninety five percent of the time these, quote, people that they're worried about aren't even important people in their life. They're just sometimes they're strangers, you know, being out in public. And I'm like, they don't even affect your life. You don't even know them. One of the terms we use also is people with anxiety is there's a spotlight fallacy.

So what that means is you always think you're in the spotlight. Everybody's watching you, judging you. The spotlight is on you, which is we know is a rational thought. Right. And that the spotlight isn't on everybody. And the other thing, and I say this in a nice way, is, you know, we're all wrapped up in our lives. That's just true. We are a lot of stuff going on. So we may notice something or maybe we will chuckle if we see somebody fall funny in public or something.

But I'm telling you, five minutes later, all of us are wrapped up in our own lives. We forgot about it. And we're not running around town telling somebody what happened to you. If you look kind of silly falling or whatever happened.

Right, that things happen and you can get embarrassed, but people just move on because we're all wrapped up in our lives. So it's important to remember if you think you're always in the spotlight, it's just not true. You're just like everybody else. You again ask yourself the double standard is everybody else in the spotlight?

And it's like, no, then why is it me? Right. Because it's just the way you're thinking about it, which isn't necessarily true. Right. It's one of your half thoughts, which is a thought. That's not a hundred percent true. We need to identify that so we can start balancing out and challenging it. Another really great tool, which can be maybe a little difficult, is we call the survey technique, which is and it works really well if you're willing to do this.

But if you really think that everyone's judging you, you know, people that are close by or in your life, friends, family, you know, go ask them. You know, I feel like I'm being judged all the time. Do you judge me? Do you really care about what I'm doing regarding the choices that I'm making in my life? And just going to ask or sometimes you can even ask friends to go ask their friends about do they judge people?

What? Is that a big part of their life and do they spend a lot of time thinking about other people and what they're doing and then come back and talk with that friend or again asking people that are close to you so you're Savane and you're going to find out that people aren't judging you as much as you think. And people want the best for you, but they're not wrapped up in what you're doing. That's all. They may have a thought if they're like, oh, I hope this is going to work out for you, Julie.

I don't know if it's the best decision for her.

And then they move on and maybe they would share that with me because they care and then they move on. Right. So it's going to happen, but it's not as big as I think you make it to be for yourself. And I'm talking about this because it causes a lot of distress for people.

And again, they will you know, people will not do things that are good for them or go take doing something spontaneous or taking risks that are good risks, but maybe because other people will think it's not OK.

And then, you know, you're not living your life fully being authentic, which is a shame because you deserve that.

Another aspect is, you know, feeling insecure. So insecurity is part of worrying about what others think, obviously. Right. And don't feel secure with them myself. And like I said, when you care more about what others think than what you think of yourself is a problem. And the issue may be that you feel, for example, a relationship is more important than anything else in your life. And you may have issues of worthlessness if you're not in a relationship.

So you're going to put others first and care about what others think. Right, and not being your true self, you're going to portray yourself as somebody different just to maybe get someone in your life or get someone to like you, but then what do you do when the relationship maybe gets serious or grows? You always have to be this other person because you weren't you weren't your true self before. And that can be a problem because what happens when they're like, oh, you said you used to like to do this?

Or, you know, I was like I've heard, for example, you know, if you're dating and your partner likes to go to baseball games and you're like, great, this is fun and you guys are going to baseball games and then you get married and you're like, no, I'm not really into that and know like what? I was just doing that because I wanted to get you to like me and that's why I used to go. But I'm not going to do that anymore because now we're married.

I don't have to. So this really happens. I've heard stories like this. So not being your true self and being insecure and just wanting a relationship or wanting someone to like you and not being who you are, it's going to cause problems down the road when you don't feel like continuing to do that or more of your true self comes out in this person's like, I didn't see this in you.

I don't know this about you because you put them above yourself. Right. So there's another example of what can happen and then you kind of feel stuck and trapped and you're not going to be happy.

So this obviously can inhibit you from living your life fully because your personality, your thoughts, your actions are controlled by an idealized standard of what people want to see. And what happens then is you lose yourself and you don't want to lose yourself for the sake of anyone, ever. So I'm assuming at this point, your understanding this year might be like, OK, OK, Dr. Julie, what are we supposed to do about this? So let me give you some tips, just some tips to start with, and then we'll talk a little bit more about the CBT and how you can use that again to start changing the level of care you have about what other people think about you.

So some tips. Would one thing maybe find a role model in your life, a mentor who is somebody that I would like to like to be like? Maybe they are authentic. Maybe they don't care about what other people think in a healthy way. And I can talk with them and, you know, learn from them. So that would be one thing to do. Also, be careful who you ask regarding things about yourself, you know, meaning like people that you ask, what do you think about what I'm doing?

Do you think is a good idea? Do you not think it's a good idea? Be careful who you ask. Like go to people that you respect and that you really do want their opinion and that it's not going to be this personal thing that you really you know, what they say, you know, is something you do care about. You like the choices they've made in their life. Go to people that are there for you and can support you.

Another thing is to work on your self-esteem. I do have a podcast called Got Self-esteem. That's something you can listen to. But working on your own self-esteem and your own self-worth will really help not be so sensitive and worried about what other people think. You also want to, you know, with social media, stop reading any negative comments, not just about yourself, but comments you see people make about others, because then they're feed your evidence in your mind that people do judge and are mean and don't like other people for A, B and C, so you want to be careful about what you're reading.

But she was. So social media can be very toxic, very toxic.

You also often you want to just check in with yourself, you know, am I being honest? Am I, you know, being authentic or am I doing things because I want this person to like me? And I don't think that they will. If I'm not for myself, they're not going to like me. So you want to check in and say, you know, I like to always say I knew I was my last pocket. One of my podcasts was on, you know, are you honoring yourself?

And this is what I'm talking about here, is am I honoring myself and being my true self and not doing things because I'm just worried and thinking about what other people are thinking about me and that they're judging me. So I have to do something about it. Right. So the thought that we can use right now is the one I just said, which, you know, I have to do something about who I am because other people are judging me.

So if we did a thorough record. So this is the main tool, again, in the mind of workbook. Right, that I use. And also, if you read Feeling Good, there's also work she called the Daily Mood Log, which are very similar, but doing the Thul record, you're half fired, which, you know, is the thought that hundred percent true is that I need to do something about who I am because this person doesn't like me or doesn't accept me.

So that's a half thought and we have to challenge it. You know, what evidence do I have that I have to change who I am because of this particular person and see if you can come up with any evidence.

Remember, when we look for evidence, we're looking for facts. Am I looking for more thoughts? What facts do I have to change who I am for this person? And then we want to look for evidence that doesn't support that. Right. So some evidence could be just that. You know, I know that I'm OK who I am. I know that I'm respectful to this person. I know I'm considerate. I know I'm just being authentic and that maybe we aren't a good fit or that they maybe they're someone that just judges and puts their views on me and think I'm going to change.

So if I know I'm honoring myself and I'm being honoring and respectful to other people, then I don't have to worry about that. And also the evidence is that, again, you will be judged because that's just the way the world turns.

It's part of life, but we don't have to take it so personal. And another evidence about not having to change is, you know, I have a lot of people in my life that love me just for who I am and accept me for who I am and are there for me. Give me positive feedback, give me good, constructive criticism if needed, and that that tells me part of my self-esteem and self worth. I do get that from other people as well as myself and can build up my confidence.

And then we'd have our balance in alternative thinking, right? So a good maybe balanced thought in this situation would be that, you know, although I know I will be judged because people judge me in my world just as I judge others, I don't have to change who I am because of that. And I can choose who I have in my life, who I don't am I have in my life said some healthy boundaries and stay my authentic self as long as I know that I'm honoring me.

I have a podcast on acceptance. This falls into that category as well, that some of this is just accepting like, yeah, you are going to be judged. Yeah, not everyone's going to like you and you're not going to like everybody and you're going to judge people. Right. And you're not in the spotlight. So, you know, the acceptance is it is what it is. So I need to make my world as healthy as possible and have people in my life that love me.

I love them. It's a good relationship, but I'm not feeling judged. So then I can be my authentic self. And then what happens there is you start to build up your self-esteem and your self-worth because you're not around toxic people, you're not around unhealthy people.

They don't make you feel good about yourself or only are happy with you when you're doing for them.

Right. So these are many different factors to look at and see which one fits in for your life. Sometimes, you know, we can be really authentic in our worry about being judged in our life, but then it comes out in our work environment or maybe at school. So it doesn't always mean it's in every area of your life.

It might just be in certain areas for whatever reason.

It also could be in all areas. So what's the most important thing?

I think in this podcast, in the big picture to see, is that how you feel about yourself is going to affect a lot of things in your life, probably most everything, and that the more energy we give others that are not important in our lives and the energy that we allow them to make us feel bad about us is just going to bring you down.

And it's all about your thoughts, right? It's all about your thoughts.

And that's why the CBT can help. I need to figure out what am I thinking that makes me so anxious and worried about what other people are thinking about me or judging.

And then I need to challenge those thoughts because they're probably half thoughts and they're not 100 percent true.

And you don't want to make life decisions based on thoughts that aren't 100 percent true. And you can start doing that today. Today, so be mindful when you go out into the world, am I avoiding places because I'm worried I'll be judged, am I now making decisions based on best for me? Because I'm worried that I'll be judged? How is this affecting my life and getting in the way? And what changes can I make? So if I can start thinking differently, that's going to affect my mood.

So I'll be less anxious. And then my behavior appears to be a little more open to trying something new or sharing an opinion I have without worrying about being judged so much.

And so you want to come up with some experiments? I would suggest that once you start changing your thoughts and using like the Foraker to do that, to then create an experiment to go out, if you need to be silly in public, if you need to finally share your opinion in a meeting and work, if you need to go talk to someone you love about something that's really bothering you, create that experiment, go share your opinion and see how it goes.

Was I judged and if I was, is that OK? Because I feel strongly about what I'm sharing and I've had healthy boundaries, so I hope this was helpful.

Is something to think about. Please give me your feedback. I'd love to hear if you have any questions about this. Any other thoughts to share. I might have missed some really good examples out there. I'm sure you have some great ones regarding your own life, but I thought it was really important to address again, because I hear it so often and I just feel so bad, you know, when my clients are struggling and worrying so much about what other people think.

When when I know, I know it's easier for me because I'm outside of their life. But knowing, like, wow, you know, it doesn't really matter. And people don't really care that much. And I want you to be free to be you and enjoy the life that you have.

So that's it for today. I hope this was helpful.

If you have a burning therapy question you love answered, you can email me at MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com.

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Thanks for joining me. Stay safe and I'll see you next week.

And as always, make decisions based on what's best for you and how you feel.

Take care.