Episode #143

Is Your Love Tank Full?

We all experience life in unique ways.

Do you know and understand your love language?

How can you build stronger, more loving relationships in your life?

How can you fill your love tank to the brim?

In this exciting episode, join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I focus on the five love languages from Dr Chapman and how you can use these to fill your love tank to the max.

Click to listen now!

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, it's Dr. Julie from My CBT Podcast. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So thanks for being here with me. Today is a special day for me because it's actually my birthday. It's a big one, turning 60. I did turn 60, actually, right? So big 6:0, and I'm feeling great, and I'm grateful for my health I'm grateful for my family, my friends. I'm grateful for all you guys, my audience that supports me with my podcast. Probably one of my first gifts I got was last week, I find out how many downloads I've had for the week, and I had my best week ever, which was 16,000. I almost fell off my chair. I was so happy because what that tells me is I'm reaching more people and more people to learn cognitive behavioral therapy, can be happier and live a better life and use the tools So I really appreciate you guys sharing. I get a lot of great emails, people telling me that they tell their family members and friends and all that stuff and just getting the word out more.

So I'm really grateful for that. And I just wanted to share with you my thoughts about my birthday being here. And everybody always says, What would you like? What would you like? What gift would you like? What do you want? Hope for your birthday. And I really thought about it. And my first wish I came up with was having authentic relationships with people in my life, people that are close to me. I recently had a trip that I saw a lot of friends in a short amount of time, and every single visit was just these incredible conversations. I learned new things about people I've known for almost my whole life, and I just felt so connected, and I thought, I just need more of that. You're not going to have that with everybody in your life, but the people that are important to me, that I'm close those two. I just really want authentic relationships to be able to be myself, for them to be able to be themselves, for us to connect with each other and just not have to worry in a good way, like what I'm saying. I'm not going to offend anybody.

We can be open and honest, joke around. And there's just that understanding between me and whoever that person is that's in my life. So I think that's really important. I think just as a joke, I know people say the older you get, especially when you hit 60, you don't really give a crap what people think anymore. But I think what that means underlying is that, yeah, I just want to be authentic. I just want to be myself. I'm not going to worry about judgments and what people think. And I'm going to live by my own principles and my values and my ethics that are important to me. And I know that it's going to attract the same type of people in my life. And that's what's going to make me happy. That was my number one wish. I always wish, again, for good health. I'm I just hit my three-year mark of being cancer-free, so I'm super grateful for that. My doctor that I love, my oncologist, Dr. Castaneda, has been with me the whole way. So I'm really grateful of my age that I'm feeling good and I can do most anything I want and have the support, of course, my family, my friends, and still love what I do and enjoy being here with you guys and sharing my podcast.

And knowing it's making a difference is super important because I really want to always be of service in some because that definitely brings me joy, and it's really important. There's so many different relationships we have in our lives when we think about really close friends, really close family, extended family, some people you don't even talk to a lot. Then When you see them again, it's like time never passed. So it's not that every relationship has to be intense to be authentic. It's that when you see the person and you spend time with them and to make the effort that you really enjoy being with that person and you walk away feeling good and feeling uplifted and feeling full. So with that, where I say feeling full, I wanted to talk today in a little more detail about if your love tank is full regarding relationships, friendships, any relationship that you're in. And I got that term from the book of the Five Love Languages. So I think many, many people have heard of that term, What's your love language? And there's a book called The Five Love Languages by Dr. Chapman. And it's an older book.

And so a lot of people, including me and my husband, took his test, I guess you would call it, where you look at the five love languages, and then you pick what's yours one through five. And then knowing what my love language is, and I can share that with my partner, and knowing what my partner's love language is, he can share that with me, and we can meet each other's love languages because each other's love language is a lot of can be different, and we want to be able to fill their love tank, as Dr. Jepman says. So again, I want to give him credit. And on my website, where the information with my podcast, this particular one, I'll have his book on there and the information if you guys want to order it yourself. But what happened was I didn't even realize I had his book, to be honest. I have a lot of books. And I came across it looking for different podcasts. And so I said to my husband, I said, Hey, what do you think about reading this book together? Because there's probably more to it than just obviously taking this test.

What do these love languages really mean? And it was an excellent exercise we did together, and we had fun with it, and we read a chapter every couple of days, and then we would talk about it. And it made it more clear to us what each of our love languages was and what it actually means, because it's much more broader. I was thinking about it in a simple terms. I'm like, Oh, gifts. Okay, you actually get a gift and you give it to someone. But that's not really what gifts all entails. It's more than that. So reading this is a tool or an exercise, I guess you would say, that I've been recommending to a lot of my clients, people that are in relationships, people even if they're single and they want to understand themselves better. But if you're in a relationship, read this with your partner, and it's just a great way to start communicating more and understanding each other and understanding yourself as well. So Let's first talk about the five love languages. I'm going to, obviously, just summarize what Dr. Chapman wrote about, but it's definitely worth to read, and it's not really a long book, but it was really interesting.

He's got some really funny stories and some good examples in here. Let me first list to you what are the five love languages, if you're wondering what those even are. So the first one is words of affirmation. Second one is quality time, third is receiving gifts, fourth is acts of service, and five is physical touch. So he opens up the book with the first chapter that's called What Happens to Love After the Wedding. And take that lightly, you don't have to be married, but it's just being in a relationship. And he really addresses some good things that I've talked about before, too, is When we first fall in love, we have this symbiotic relationship, right? That means we're totally connected. We can finish each other's sentences like we are connected. We're feeling that love, that lust, that excitement. It's just all connecting for us. And we tend to think that's how it's always going to be. But that's not even healthy, to be honest with you. What you want to get to is this interdependence. But what happens is we're connected and we're having fun and we could just talk for hours. And then the relationship starts normalizing out and we're not having that connection and we start freaking out and we're like, Oh, my God, I have to reconnect, but I don't know how.

And if we're not understanding each other's love language and how we feel loved, because basically that's what that's about, right? How do I feel loved? And is my love tank full, which is a term he uses. We have to figure that out to really keep the love going, right? And at the beginning, in the book, he's talking about it's not even that you're in love. It's more of this other connection. We're in this honeymoon state, and everything feels great. But the rest of our lives isn't going to be at that heightened emotional connection all the time. We You get it, comes and goes, and that's normal, right? And that's important to understand because a lot of people get nervous when they're not feeling it and thinking, Oh, my God, the relationship is going to end, and what's going on with that? And it's not good. So that's the first part. And you're wanting to keep your love tank full, meaning I want to continue to meet my partner's love language, because when they feel full, it will come back tenfold to you. And the book explains It means that the focus of love is that it is essential to our emotional health, right?

And at the heart of who all of us are in our existence, we have this desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. That is normal. That's part of our DNA, and that's why we seek that out. And a lot of times, we don't understand what healthy love is, and how to meet each other's needs or even understanding our own needs. We get more into this panic mode, I I think. And that's where that codependency is like, I have to meet their needs. I'll only feel good if they're happy, and we get lost in the relationship, and nobody's needs are really being met, and we get frustrated. So we have to slow down and just say, Okay, just using these five categories, what is my love language? Is it the physical touch from somebody? Is it words of affirmation, being acknowledged? Is it acts of service, someone taking care of me? Is it quality time together, even if you're not talking, but being there with each other, what are the things that really make you feel full, really make you feel connected to your partner in your life? So let's first talk about the love language of words of affirmation.

And something that the author summarizes here is talking about that the purpose of love, or the goal, I guess you could say, is not getting something you want, but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. When we receive affirming words, we're more likely to be motivated to reciprocate, he says. When somebody is affirming and gives us loving words, I love you, I appreciate that, it really means a lot to me, all the things in our relationship, you're really special, whatever words of affirmation that you receive from your partner, that's going to motivate you more to reciprocate if that is what fills your love tank. That it's important for you to actually hear the words. Not for someone to say, Oh, of course, I love you. Some people want to really hear, Yeah, I do love you. Or, I appreciate the things that you do around the house. I appreciate that, Hey, you took out the garbage. I appreciate you mowed the lawn. A lot of people just do things, and they never thank them for that because it's just, well, they're supposed to do that, right? So take a minute and let that person know, I really appreciate whatever it is that you did that errand for me today, or letting You may sleep in, you took care of the kids, or whatever it is.

Take a moment and say, What are some things that I can acknowledge and be specific about to be affirming to that person? Because it really makes a difference when they hear it and they don't think I just expect it from them. Those are just, again, some examples. I can't give you all the deal. I'll be on here for hours with you guys. So I really encourage you, again, to get the book and to listen to it. But just using words of affirmation can be very encouraging, and it allows you to be more empathetic, and allows you to see the world, maybe from your spouse's perspective, if they're saying, You just acknowledging that, really fills up my love tank, and that can make a big difference. So if it's important to your spouse, then it needs to be important to you because you want your love language to be important to your spouse to meet your needs. And what I found working with individuals and sometimes couples is we tend to give the love language that's ours. So if my love language is words of affirmation, I'm going to be really good at giving words of affirmation.

But that might not be my partner's love language, number one love language, right? So then we're like, well, what's missing? I always say all these nice things. That's not what fills up my partner's love tank, right? So that's why you want to understand, because it does it for you, it doesn't mean it does it for them. And that's why we want to figure out what is having that discussion. Start off. You could start off just like me and my husband did, just writing down the five love languages and saying, Okay, rate yours one to five. I'm going to rate mine one to five. And then it's fun if you guess what your partner's is and you go back and they can guess what yours are. And then that's a discussion, too. Why do you think that is my love language? And that can open up a great discussion right there. So these are just really good ways for you and your partner to get to know each other better. The second one is quality time. So again, that's a conversation to have. What is quality time? Just sit with me here on the couch and hold my hand.

Let's talk about our day. Or doing certain activities together, if that's quality time for you, with no distractions. Nobody's on their phones, nobody's watching the TV in the background or a sports game maybe, nobody's being interrupted by other people. Like quality time, I think about as just being very present, right? And Sometimes maybe having some new experiences together can be part of that, too. Togetherness is about being very focused with your attention when you're with your partner. It can be a really quality conversation, where you're really sharing different experiences, your thoughts, your feelings, any desires, goals you have in the future, where you're not going to be interrupting, you can really be focused. And inquire, be curious with your partner. Well, what do you mean by that? Why is that one of your goals? How can we make that happen? So quality time can... Again, just being together and having some really good conversations. And again, sometimes it's getting attention. Sometimes our days are so busy and we go, go, go. And it's like, we didn't even have five minutes to talk. Or that's happened to me. When I'm busy, I'm thinking, I needed to tell my husband something two days ago I wanted to share with them.

I even had a minute to sit down like, That's ridiculous. I'm guilty of that. I need to stop and say, Hey, there's a couple of things I need to catch up or I want to share with you, and have me a little bit of that quality time. It doesn't take long to start feeling disconnected from your partner when you're not making these efforts. You don't ever want to assume because you fell in love and decided to be in a committed relationship that we're good and we know we love each other, and now we've got to focus on everything else. No, no, no, no, no. You're relationship is going to be the foundation of everything else in your life when it comes, say, to family and the longevity of your relationship. It needs to be worked on. And I know I've said this in other podcast. The word work sounds like negative But it's that putting the time into it will really, really pay off. And keep that love alive, keep that spark alive, keep the fun alive. And sometimes that could be quality time. We just need to go have some fun. I've gotten into that I work a lot, and I say to my husband, more my fault than his, definitely, I'll say, We need to just go have some fun.

You're not going to work today. I'm not going to do this. Let's just go have some fun. I don't want any time frame on it. Let's get down to the beach or go ride our likes or whatever we're doing together. A lot of couples will look at each other and be like, They can't even remember last time they had fun because they think everything else has to be addressed. We have to take care of all this other stuff. A lot of stuff can be let go till the next day, the next week. What's important is connecting in your relationship. And again, whatever that love language is for you. Number three, number three love language, is receiving gifts. So this one I found interesting because I think, again, receiving gifts, we think of something very tangible. Like today, I'm receiving birthday gifts, which I do love. But also the other gifts I received was time with my family. Both my younger daughters that live out of the country came into town. And then I have a stepdaughter and one of my grandchildren came in from out of town to spend the day with me, which is super special.

So that's a gift right there, right? Gift of time, feeling important, then making a really big effort to be able to find this time to get here to actually be with me on my day, right? So what does gifts look like? Again, sometimes, of course, it's tangible, but also it can be gifts of time. Whatever is important to you, that can be something that you could share with your partner. I'm asking for gifts, but doesn't mean you have to go buy me something. Another example of giving gifts is just your physical presence, especially in a time of crisis. Crisis is probably the most powerful gift that you can give your spouse. If your spouse's primary love language is gifts. And I think of times that I've been in crisis, and no doubt my husband has been there, and that's one of his strong points, is he handles crisis really well. And I just know that he will definitely be able to step up in those situations and not withdraw or run away or freak out, that he's very good at that. And that is a real gift to me. Gifts are important in the way of...

My big thing is everybody knows about me. That's close to me is I really like cards. Not even so much the gifts anymore. I used to be more into that, I would say, to be honest. But now it's, I think it card, and I give a lot of cards, just really acknowledges that you took a minute and you thought about me and you had to go out of your way, maybe, to even go buy a card or if you made a card. And I say it's not something you got to go spend a lot of money on, if any, but just taking that time, that means a lot to me. And that's okay, because that's something that is dear to my heart. And that's something, again, I do give to others. That's a joke I have with my kids. They say, I wanted to let you know. I won't be sending cards out when I'm your age. And I say, That's okay. And then I get a phone call from someone and says, Oh, my God, thank you for the card. It was so sweet. You always remember me. And I share that with my daughters.

We just laugh. And I say, You may think it's silly when you see me sending out all these cards, but I know people appreciate it. It's that moment of being remembered and acknowledged and loved. So that's just an example I'm sharing with you that I have in my life regarding gifts. That's not my number one love language, but it's definitely there. And again, it's not just having one, you guys. It's like we have all of them, right? I think we all have the five love languages in our lives. It's just some really, again, fill that love tank more than others. So we just want to figure out what that is. So again, gifts can, yes, be time, can be something tangible as well. Again, so you can talk to your spouse, what would be a gift to you? What would you like? And they can think about that and give you some concrete ideas, and then you can meet their needs. It's a lot easier to meet your partner's needs when You know specifically what they want. You're not having any second guess. You don't want to disappoint them. And they're like, Oh, thanks. I was hoping I was going to get this, but nobody ever talked about it.

So you want to talk, talk, talk, have a conversation. That's super important. All right. Number four is acts of service. So acts of service, again, is actually doing things for others. And what does that mean to your partner? What would really stand out? So that's when you want to really ask and be specific with what you want so that you'll get your needs met and your love tank will be full. Because what people What people do, as I was saying, when they first fall in love and they're in this honeymoon state, they may be doing all these... You may do all these things for each other. And then you get married, you'll have people say, Oh, it just stopped. And I think sometimes people think like, Oh, I don't have to try as hard because we're together now. But no, you got to keep working as hard as you ever did. So if I did this before when we were just dating, I'm going to continue to do it when we got married, right? And that it's really important if I really hear my partner when he communicates with me or when he's disappointed, I can say, What's the disappointment about it?

Because I didn't do this or that, or I didn't acknowledge this, or I didn't say this. I can read into a little bit. That's probably part of his love language that I need to be more in tune to. An act of service, taking care of somebody, taking the time off for work if you need to take somebody to a doctor's appointment, going and visiting them somewhere if they're recovering. That can be acts of service, right? Doing something, you know that if they're really busy and it would just take something off their plate if you did maybe a chore at the house, something that's that simple. That can really make a difference because the message you're sending is you're important to me, and I'm willing to take the time to do that. So one suggestion. He has suggestions at the end of each chapter. But regarding acts of service, he talks about making a list of all the requests your spouse has made of you over the past few weeks, and then just do one each week, and that will be expressing your love to them. They asked me to do these different things. Let me take note of that.

I'm going to pick one a week. Or ask your spouse to make a list of things like I mentioned earlier for you to do during the next month, right? And then prioritize them, ask them to prioritize them. And then you just start doing it once a week and set yourself reminders. So again, it doesn't have to be overwhelming. I'm not asking you to read their mind because that's not going to work. But be specific and say, Can you write these things down? Because I want to your needs and fill your love tank with your love language, but I just need you to be able to be specific with me. And then the last one is physical touch. So a really interesting example he had here was one of the husbands was like, Oh, you have physical touch when we're having sex, we're being close, like that's my love language. And then as the author interviewed him and said, Well, if your wife was insulting and demeaning and didn't say loving things to you during the day, would you want to be physically close with her? And the husband was like, no. And he's like, well, you know what?

Your love language might be more words of affirmation. Then when she says, thanks, honey, for doing this and thanks for that, and that looks great. And, Oh, I really appreciate you went and got my car washed. You filled my gas tank. I don't have to worry about that. That makes you feel closer to her. And then you want to be intimate. And he was like, Oh, yeah, I never thought about that. So it doesn't mean that you can't have physical touches as your number one. But it's interesting, again, being able to read the stories and say, Yeah, but do I want to be close and have that physical touch no matter what? No, I need to be connected to my partner and have my love tank filled. And that might actually be a different love language. And then the physical touch. And again, physical touch is not always just about having sex. The physical touch is just holding hands, sitting next to each other on the couch when you're watching TV, walking by and just putting your hand on your partner's shoulder. It's just maybe if you like to cuddle in bed. There's lots of different ways to have that physical touch.

I know that person is near you, giving your partner a kiss hello and goodbye when they come home. And leave for work for the day, giving hugs. So there's lots of different things. Again, this is a conversation you have with your partner. What does physical touch mean to you? Is it just sex and that's how you feel close? Or would you like to hold hands? Or be mindful if you're on the couch. Sometimes people have these big couches, right? And they're on two separate ends. Go sit next to your partner. Give them a kiss on the cheek when they're not asking. If they're cooking in the kitchen, go behind them and give them a squeeze. Whatever that is, people feel more connected. I once heard a great example that someone said, when you're arguing with your partner, hold hands. It's really hard to keep screaming or yelling at somebody. When you're holding each other's hands because there's that physical connection to the person. So it can break down those barriers and make you feel more connected and make your love tank feel more full. And that if it's not your number one, but your partner's, just be more mindful and to give that back.

Because relationships are reciprocal, right? When your partner is feeling loved, they're going to be more open to meeting your love language and vice versa. It I always say it's the chicken and the egg. What came first is just people giving to each other out of love because that's what's important. And it can change relationships. And there's, again, some really good stories in the book where this one lady was ready just to divorce her husband. She dug deep, dug deep, and really started to give back. She went to therapy by herself with Dr. Chapman, gave back, figuring out her love language with her husband. It was really for her, and his actually was physical touch, and she didn't feel close to him at all, but she started to initiate and be closer to him. And then he ended up meeting with the husband. The husband was like, Oh, my God, you're a miracle worker. Our whole marriage is turned around. And she started getting her needs met. So You don't want to wait again until you're done because it's hard to come back from that. This lady was able to do that, but it's hard. So you want to say, If you're not feeling that connected, or if you want to just be more clear with your partner, or it's not about reading this book or trying these things when things aren't working well, it's when things are working well, let's keep talking.

Let's understand each other better. Maybe your love language will change over time. It's not like you're going to have solid, it's in stone. Like, Yeah, that used to be my love language, but actually more it's this, right? So there's lots of layers I'm thinking in my head as I'm talking to you guys, that can come up regarding why things change, regarding your love languages. And that's why the communication always needs to be open, because we want to always know what our partner is going through. Just because we're together, it doesn't mean we're not each growing individually based on experiences we have every day and change and age as we get older and our priorities are different and what's important to us and the way that we see the world. So we want to keep talking and staying on track and saying, Is your love tank full today? And if it isn't, let's talk about it. The other really interesting thing, which I didn't know, and he talks about at the end of his book or he shows, he's got a lot of love language books. I only have actually heard of this one. It's pretty popular, right?

The Five Love Languages. But he also has ones on the Five Love Languages of Children, one for singles, the Five Love Languages of Teenagers, and a couple other ones. So I would have read those when my kids were younger because I thought that would have been really great Insight to Understand and even teach my kids their love languages. So there's some other really good books. But the one I talked about today, again, was the Five Love Languages. Says, How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to your Mate by Dr. Gary Chapman. I just want to give all the kudos to him. But it's a great starting place for couples, even if you're not already in a community relationship, but you're dating each other and getting to know each other. It's still a good book to read. I don't think it's ever too early to to start understanding that, and again, understanding yourself. So again, don't ever feel like, Oh, I have to wait time in a relationship to understand this part of me. I need to understand this part of me anyways, so that I can express that to whoever I'm with. That's important. And you're important and you deserve to be happy, right?

You deserve to feel loved. You are deserving. You need to honor yourself. And this is a good way to start. And maybe it'll give you some answers on past relationships that didn't work out like, Oh, I didn't even know my love language, or that person wasn't able to meet my love language because of X, Y, and Z. So can it explain things and where we're at and maybe where did this come from? And maybe they come from childhood that your parents maybe were very affirming, we said, I love you, I love you. And then you meet someone. Many people grew up in households that were never told they were loved. So that's not something do, but it doesn't mean they can't learn, right? So very hopeful. I wanted to talk about love and hope today. Since it's my birthday, I want to be really positive. I know there's a lot of stressors we all go through all the time, but when we can feel loved and connected, even to that one person in our life, can make all the other things a little easier to go through. And as you go through this process, as always, you want to use your cognitive behavioral therapy tools.

And these are my thoughts. I Me and my husband had some great conversations like, Why do you think that's my love language? And my husband was able to give me some insight like, Oh, yeah, you're right. Maybe that is my love language when I thought it was this, and vice versa, and clarified stuff. And we've really enjoyed it. And he's been telling his friends and talking to other family members. They told me, Oh, you told me all about it. We all want to feel loved. So I think it's something we're all interested in. And this is a good place to start as well as all your tools. So again, thanks for being here with me on my birthday, letting me share that with you. I'm so grateful to have all of you in my life. And you know where you guys can find me? Going to my podcast. If you click subscribe, you will miss an episode.

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