Episode #144

How To Be Authentic In Your Relationships

Why is it important to be truly authentic in your relationships?

How can you truly know yourself so you can be authentic?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you some simple CBT tools to help you understand yourself so you can improve your relationships.

Click to listen now!

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, it's Dr. Julie from My CBT Podcast. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So thanks for being with me, and I hope you're all doing well. My last podcast, I shared that I had a big birthday. I turned 60 years old, and the wish for myself was to be more authentic in my life, in my relationship. So I thought that would be a good topic to talk today.

Before I get into that, I wanted to share an email from a listener. As I always tell you guys, I really appreciate it, and I respond and answer. And if there's any particular questions, it's just somebody sharing their gratitude regarding the podcast. His first name, I'll call him L.

It says,

“Hi, Dr. Osborn,

“I stumbled on your podcast through my son's Spotify app. I've been listening to a lot of information on how CBT is helpful. I'm amazed and wish I had found it many years ago. Better late than ever. Last year, I had a counselor who specialized in CBT.

“However, the way you approach it is far more better than he did sitting in his office. I'm so grateful I have found your sight and how your approach is to therapy, especially when I have to ask myself, what am I thinking? Is it even true? Is helping me identify moods and react correctly unlike before when I went all in on the negative aspects of every thought. Thanks so much for what you're doing to help people get better understanding of how to manage their thoughts and life.”

So thank you so much, L, for taking the time and sharing that with me. It keeps me motivated, keeps me definitely humble, knowing that I'm reaching so many listeners, and my podcast is really making a difference. So a great way to support my podcast is just sharing it with others. And the more we get it out there, I think the world will be a better place if we're all making decisions based on what's best for us and not how we feel. So let's start talking about what it means to be authentic in relationships. And what that means in general, I would say, is showing up as your true self, being genuine with your interactions, and really fostering a deeper and more meaningful connection to those people in your life.

And I think that's really true for me that as I got older, my circle of French, I would say got smaller because I'm more particular about who I hang out with. And I really want to be with people that I connect with. So I'm not saying every person I come across, of course, we all have acquaintances, but my really good friends are these people I can count on and really want to share who I am, how I'm feeling, things I'm going through in my life, and I really want to feel that from them as well. So I would say the first step to practice being authentic is, what does that mean? It's a big word, right? Is first to know yourself. So to have some self-awareness. So you want to understand what your values are, your beliefs, your needs, your feelings, and being in tune with yourself will help you express who you really are. So that's a really good place to start. What are my values and my beliefs? And what do I need from my relationships in my life? And where can I find like-minded people would be a way to put it.

I also need to accept myself. I want to know what my strengths are as well as my weaknesses and my imperfections, even though I don't like to look at those always. But without feeling shameful about any of that. And then this gives others in my life to be imperfect as well. When I'm authentic, people see like, Oh, she's just like me. I can tell you with my clients, A lot of people be like, Oh, do you want to be called doctor? How do I want to... Or how do I want them to talk with me regarding, call me Julie or whatever. And I'm like, I'm good with anything. And I say, I appreciate the respect that a lot A lot of people give to me knowing I have my doctorate, but do not put me on a pedestal. I always tell everybody, I know a lot about psychology, but I don't know about engineering, I don't know about... I'm not good with math or whatever people do for a career. They know a lot in their field, and I know a lot of mine, and I want to be on the same plan with everybody.

So yeah, I know a lot about psychology, and that's what I use in my career, and that's what I use in my life, and how I like to think about the world. But being authentic is, I'm just like you. I have too many thoughts. I have 80 to 90,000 thoughts like you a day. I use all the tools I preach to you guys because they work because I'm just like you. So being authentic and showing your imperfections and your weaknesses, again, will give other people more permission because they'll see like, Oh, we're more alike than not. So accepting yourself will allow yourself to show yourself more. You also want to be honest and transparent with you choose to be with, right? So you really want to communicate more openly. And this is where using your CBT tools will really come in helpful. So you can share your thoughts, your feelings, whatever experience you have, you can share in an honest way, especially when it feels vulnerable. I was going to say even if it feels vulnerable, but I'd say especially when it feels vulnerable. And this really builds trust within your relationship when you're really able to communicate openly.

And you also want to speak your truth. Don't hide or suppress your true opinions or emotions just to please others or to avoid conflict. So you obviously need to pick and choose, again, who you're talking to. So when I'm talking about being authentic, I'm going to repeat this throughout this podcast, is people you are building trust with, right? And you can't really speak your truth and know that it's a safe space, right? And being authentic is being able to agree to disagree, even if it's with your friends, that We might not always have all the same opinions. But when you really speak your truth, that's how you can be authentic with the people in your life. And the really hard one that I'm going to talk about now is being vulnerable. This is something that most of us run from our whole lives. Although we want it, it is a scary place to go. This is showing your emotions and not being afraid to express if you're sad, if you're frustrated, if you're feeling fear. And And also, obviously, when you're feeling joy. So when you can be vulnerable, you're going to really foster a connection, and it really invites others to be more open as well.

That if Julie is being vulnerable with me, I think that's a safe space. And I feel the same way when other people are vulnerable with me, I feel that's a safe space to be vulnerable with them. And it really builds the relationship. And I share with a lot of people that although vulnerability is a really scary place to go because you're really putting yourself in a position to be possibly shamed or rejected, right? Put down, made fun of. But when you can find a relationship that you can be vulnerable, that's what makes it so fabulous and satisfying and what we're really seeking. So it's scary. It's a scary thing what I'm talking about doing. But I'm telling you, when you find the right people in your life, it will totally be worth it because that's when you really feel connected, when you can really be yourself and be vulnerable. And also being vulnerable means making your mistakes, right? That when you're wrong, you want to show some humility, allow the relationship to grow by saying, You know what? I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings, or, I'm sorry that what I said came across that way.

That wasn't my intention, right? So being vulnerable is owning your stuff, owning what maybe someone interpreted, even if you didn't mean it, right? You want to be able to be caring and loving enough to say, I understand that hurt feelings, even if that wasn't my intention, what can I do to make that up to you? I'm going to be more mindful in the future. That's how you get close. And you know what? I've had those situations where I've had a friend come to me and I'm like, sometimes I didn't even remember saying what they shared, or I was embarrassed like, Oh, my God, I would never want to say that. I'd never want to hurt your feelings. Definitely not come across that way. So I was grateful that they were vulnerable with me to give me an opportunity to repair the relationship because it was important enough that I wanted to continue to have that person in my life. So that's why I'm saying, when you start getting authentic, it's going to come back and forth with really good people in your life that are worth taking the time and feeling uncomfortable, right? Because it is uncomfortable when you know you've hurt someone's feelings unintentionally.

But when you can, again, show those emotions and not be afraid of it, it's just really going to bring you closer. And it's helped me, I think, be a better person that I am more mindful about the things that I say. And I really think before I speak, especially if I know we're talking about real sensitive things, and not just say the first thing that comes to my mind, because it may come across unfeeling, unempathetic, and that is not what I want to do. So again, being vulnerable is showing your emotions, but also admitting your mistakes when that happens. Another really important thing, and I have a podcast on Boundaries, is you want to respect boundaries. So what I mean by that is you want to respect others being authentic. You want to let people be themselves without trying to change or control them. So being authentic is going to really thrive when you have that mutual respect. So you want to definitely respect other people's boundaries by them allowing them to be authentic, right? And then you want to set healthy boundaries. So you want to be clear about your own needs and don't be afraid to say no when It's necessary.

Being authentic doesn't mean that you're always available or agreeable, right? That's where I'm saying, speak your mind, speak your truth, know who you are, stick by your values and your beliefs so you can respect someone's boundaries and also have some healthy boundaries for yourself. That's really, really important. Another important aspect of being authentic is to be present. So you really want to practice active listening. So that means giving others your full attention, listening without judgment, and really respond thoughtfully, just like I was talking about. So being present is being mindful, being in the moment. It's a tool, it's a skill, I should say, that we all have to work on all the time. I do have a podcast on being present. I also have one on... It's called Are You Listening? Being a Good Listener. So within my podcast here, there's lots of other ones you can go listen to as well if you want to get more information. But being present is really all we've got when you think about it, right? Like, yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn't here. All I have is right now, right? And being present is really the best place to be.

So you can do that again with being an active listener, really being engaged. And when you do engage, you want to do it in a meaningful way. So you really want to be genuinely curious about the people in your life, and you want to engage in conversations that can just deeper your connection. I always I tell people, be curious, be curious, be curious. I'm always very curious. That's why I love what I do. I love asking questions. I love understanding people. I'm like, why did they say that? Why did they do that? Even if it seems like it's a little thing, sometimes I'll ask a question to a friend and it just It gives up a whole other conversation. Or when people say to you like, oh, that's a good question, because they haven't really thought about it either. So it just shows that you're really being genuine and really engaging. That can make a really big difference. Another part of being authentic is you really want to avoid being a people pleaser. So don't seek approval, right? You want to strive to be your best self rather than sinking constant validation from others. And authentic relationships are built on mutual appreciation, not people-pleasing, right?

People-pleasing is not respecting who you are, and it's not having any healthy boundaries for yourself. And by not being a people pleaser, it's going to allow you to be true to your values. Even when it's difficult, you want to stand by what you believe in rather than compromising just to fit in, because that's never going to feel good, and that's not honoring yourself. And that's not being authentic. You definitely want to show compassion and empathy when you're wanting to be authentic with others. So that means you want to understand others in an authentic way. So it's not just expressing yourself, but it's also about understanding, appreciating the authenticity of others. By showing empathy and being like, Wow, I really appreciate you sharing that with me. That must have been really difficult. That really means a lot to me that you trust me enough, and I want to have that to be a mutual thing in our relationship. So by showing support and providing a safe space for those people in your life so they can be themselves and offering that empathy without judgment, you can just say this out loud, It just makes me feel warm inside, like I am going to be really connecting to someone when I can show the compassion and the empathy within the relationship, especially when they're being authentic.

And another important part of being authentic is taking responsibility. So you want to own your actions. If you hurt someone or you make a mistake, take responsibility. It's really important. You want to take responsibility without deflecting or justifying what happened. As I said earlier, I'm really sorry I said that to you. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You're right, that didn't come across the right way. I can understand why that hurt your feelings. Or if I did make a mistake, what can I do to make an amends? And by doing this, you're going to really just practice being humble. So it doesn't mean that... Obviously, being authentic is the opposite of being rigid or perfect. It means being flexible. It means being open to learning, and it means evolving. And that's what being humble is all about, as well as being curious, I think, to really want to understand the other person's point of view, not just getting your point across, right? And making sure they understand you. So again, you want to be flexible, you want to be curious, you want to always be learning, and you want to be evolving. Another really good part of being authentic is being open and some privacy, right?

So you want to know when to share. So being authentic doesn't mean that you're oversharing. You want to respect your own need for privacy. And share only what feels right and safe. So I don't want to come across like, Oh, just go spill your guts to anybody, right? It's like, be very mindful who you're talking to, what you want to share, how much you want to share, right? I've met people before where I hardly knew them, and they were just sharing some really personal information I felt uncomfortable. And that's not being authentic. That's really just not having boundaries for yourself. And for me, that is a red flag regarding if I'm going to have a friendship with this person or not. So again, you want to know when to share, right? Not too much. What can this person maybe hear from you? What's your intention? That's another good thing to ask yourself. What's my intention in sharing? And what am I hoping to get out of this? And what do I need from the person in my And so that means you can build your trust gradually. Authentic relationships definitely grow over time. And trust builds as both people feel safe in being themselves.

And with your communication, you can set it up saying, I really want to be authentic right now. That's uncomfortable for me. I'm a little nervous, but I'm going to share something. Do you have the time to listen? Are you okay with that? And let them say, You know what? Yeah, I do have the time, and I'm here for you. Or they may say, Hey, can we talk again in an hour? Can we set up-time tomorrow? I really want to be there. I really want to be present for you. And that builds up that trust like, They really want to be there for me, and we're going to find the time. A lot of times people will just, I don't know if you've experienced this, I have, will just come and start sharing stuff, and you're in the middle of something, and you're like, I need to finish this, but I want to be there for them. And then you're trying to do both, and then they get and it just becomes a big mess. So that's about open communication. So I think if someone in your life that you're really close to comes to you and they're like, I really need to share something that's really hard, if they're in a crisis, of course, try to handle that as best you can.

But if it's just like something happened or something you said earlier really bothered me and they want to share that with you, find some safe space and time so you really can be present if you can't at that moment. That's really being authentic. And being honest and not just like, Oh, okay, okay, okay. Hey, I really need to finish this thing I'm in the middle of, or I'm on a phone call, or whatever your day looks like or your moment. But say, I'm free that this time, can we meet then? Because I want to be able to not be distracted and really be there for you. So that's really good. But you do, again, want to practice that privacy and ask yourself, What's my intention? What am I sharing? How do I want to share this? Doing a thought record before you share things with people is always excellent because it's I'm going to help you identify what am I thinking right now that's making me feel maybe hurt or frustrated or sad, right? And be able to challenge those thoughts. So then when you do share with someone and want to be authentic, you can say, you know what?

These are my thoughts. I know they're hot thoughts, but this is what's going through my head, and I just want to talk it out with you. So that's where the thought records are great. I've had moments with my husband that I'll say, I know I got a hot thought, but I just got to say it out loud and talk it through with you and get to a better place. Instead of just going up and saying, I'm feeling angry or hurt or frustrated. And he's like, What about? I don't understand. So that's where your CBT tools are going to come in handy through this whole podcast that I've talked about. Is doing the thaw records, identifying why are you feeling the way you're feeling. Having healthy boundaries, not being a people pleaser, being a good listener, all these things. I got podcasts and all this stuff. So all of this encompasses being authentic with other people. And last but not least, you want to be consistent. So what I mean by that is live your values. Ensure that your actions align with your words. You always say you judge people based on what they do, not what they say.

Anyone can say anything, but how people act really tells you who they are and what friends they can be in your life. And consistency in who you are will help others feel secure in their connection with you because they're not guessing like, Oh, will she be here for me this time? Will she judge me this time? Or, Won't she judge me? I know this is my friend, and I don't need to worry. Or this is my loved one, my family member, whoever it is in your life. I don't need to worry how they're going to be because I've been authentic with them before, and they're that way with me, and I can trust that relationship. So living your values says everything. And also avoid playing roles. Don't pretend to be someone you're not just to fit in with a certain group or a situation. Stay true to yourself regardless of the context, because you know yourself better than anybody. You need to look yourself in the every day, and I want you to feel good about who you are and how you're living your life. So when I say, Stay true to yourself regardless of the context, I want to also add there because you can have a lot of interpretations of that is, sometimes it's okay to say nothing.

If it's in a situation where you feel uncomfortable or maybe you're not even feeling safe, it's okay to just be quiet and listen, and then you can remove yourself from the situation, but you don't have to play any roles, right? So you need to assess the situation, make sure you're safe, and then go from there. But you do want to be consistent with yourself by living your values and not playing roles because you won't feel good. And that's not a way to be authentic in your life if this is something that you want to work towards. So remember, by being authentic, you're really going to foster those deeper connections and healthier, more fulfilling relationships, which is what I believe we all want. I know I want that. I hear people talk about that all the time. It's also going to help you and inspire you to be more genuine, right? And you're creating a space where that mutual trust and understanding can really thrive. That's what makes us feel loved and connected and happy. And it gives us that motivation, I think, to keep going. If we're having a hard day knowing I have this person or these people in my life that I can be this way, I can just sit there and I can just cry or or just spill my guts about something and knowing they're just going to listen and I'm just going to get a hug from them or an understanding or get that compassion, that good listening that I'm giving to others, I can get back.

Because, again, it's mutual. You can't expect someone to be authentic with you if you're not willing to give that yourself. And you don't have to do any of this, right? But if you want to be more authentic, I should say, pick maybe person that you already feel close to and say, You know, this is something I've been wanting to work on, and I like that to be something in our relationship. I want to practice this more with you. Are you comfortable with that? Because I feel really comfortable with you. And I feel like we've been authentic before, but I want to really build on that because that really makes me feel happy and safe. And I love you, and I want to be more connected to you. It's important. And we can still agree to disagree sometimes and still feel connected. That's what makes relationships fabulous, that it's not that we always agree on everything we can learn from each other and really be there for each other, even if we're not completely on the same page. I think in general, overall, we probably need the same values at the core to really feel comfortable and connect and understand each other.

If you want to be authentic, you can have friends and relationships where your values might be in certain areas. That's okay, too. But I'm talking about being authentic is being very, very close to somebody. Again, this isn't just acquaintances in your life or neighbors you walk by. This is friendships. This is love relationships. This is family members that you're going to want to build on having more of an authentic relationship if that's something you want to do. And of course, all of my CBT tools, again, are rolled into this and will help you communicate that you want to be authentic will help you communicate your thoughts, your feelings, all the things that I talked about today by being more aware of what am I thinking that's creating these feelings. So I'm not just acting on behaviors, and I'm creating a better environment with people in my life that are really important. So again, you might have lots of friends, but you might just have a few that you're super tight with. That's all good. I mean, there's lots of shades of gray when it comes to friendships and connections. But I think it's really important for you to at least have that one person in your life that you can be authentic with so you don't feel lonely and alone, and you know you have someone to go to.

And you want to, again, practice being open and allowing them to be authentic with you, too. So any good relationship is give and take, right? So I hope this gives you some guidelines, some places to start, and how to become more authentic in your life and find those relationships that you're looking for. Again, supporting the podcast whenever you can share this, it always helps the word get out. More listeners allows more people to learn Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and just to do better in life. So that's what I believe. So again, thanks for being here with me.

You can find me on my website at mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com.

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….Make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.