Episode #93

Manipulation In Relationships

If you feel like you’re in a situation where you’re being manipulated, what can you do?

How can you identify a manipulator?

How is manipulation different to influence?

How can you address that situation using CBT?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you how cognitive behavioral therapy can help you with manipulative relationships.

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi! This is Dr. Julie. I'm a doctor of psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

Before we get started, I have an email I want to share with you guys that I like to do with each of my episodes when you guys reach out to me.

So this one says,

“Hi, I just listened to one of your podcasts today for the first time. You're personable and relatable, and I'd love to hear more. I start getting interested in CBT because of my teenage daughter experience anxiety at school with her friends. I like to be empowered as a mom when she has those anxiety feelings coming up from time to time, we have a podcast on CBT for teenagers. Thanks for all your work.”

So I responded and asked her for permission to share her email, which I got. And I wanted to share this with you because I did respond back to her with some suggestions and depending on the age of your teenager, so let's assume it's 13 and up. My podcasts are generalized enough that I think they can help anybody regarding if you're going through, say, depression or, like, anxiety, like her daughter.

So I recommended a couple of things, which was for her to learn more about CBT tools, like a thought record, helping her identify which thoughts of hers are facts and which are hot thoughts, which are the ones that aren't 100% true. So that when her daughter's talking to her about something, expressing how she's, quote, feeling, she can help identify that there's probably more of a thought and if it's a hot thought or not, and that you can have your teenagers listen to the podcast as well, the ones that you think would be meaningful and appropriate for them to be able to understand. I think teenagers can listen to, again, the ones on depression, anxiety, OCD, people being judging you, acceptance. I have a lot now, so I think there's a lot. It's not so much.

I know there's other workbooks out there that you can get that are more focused on teenagers. So I think it depends on how mature your teenager is, how you think that they would benefit from it if they could. Listening to the podcasts, you can listen to them together and then talk about what I spoke about in the tools and how you think those might be helpful. A lot of times when you can all have the same language in the house, that can help also. So, like in my home, we all know what hot thoughts are.

So if we're having a conversation with each other, we can sometimes say, oh, I think that's a hot thought. Sometimes it even breaks the ice, right? We kind of chuckle about that. So if you're a parent wanting to help your kid, which is wonderful, because I tell everybody I work with you're, coming for you. But once you learn these tools, you're going to see what a difference they make in communicating with others and being able to teach your kids these tools.

We most likely were not taught them growing up. But now that you know them as an adult. You want to teach your kids. Not just use them with them. But teach them how to identify what a thought is versus a mood versus a behavior.

Versus their physical reactions and teaching them what's a hot thought versus a fact and how do we look for evidence to support that or not? So, you know, I think most of us would say, I know I would say I wish I had these tools when I was younger because my life so my life choices would definitely be different if I was making decisions based on assessing my thoughts and not just reacting to my emotions. So any of you out there with teenagers and wanting to know how you could help them is, of course, as I'm saying again, to learn the tools on your own and to start using them with your family members or whoever you want to teach this to. And then if you think it's going to work, have your kids listen to the podcast. I work with teenagers like 15 years and up, and I have them remind over Mood because there's no stories in there that are like inappropriate or uncomfortable.

The different vignettes, someone's afraid of flying has panic attacks, which is Linda. And Ben is a senior citizen who has some depression because he's getting older. And Vic is someone who's recovering alcoholics. So these are some different people that they use violence in the mind. Over Mood, and they're fine for teenagers to read.

So I use the same book with all my clients, no matter what age you are. And that would be my suggestion. If any of you are wondering how can I teach my kids or whoever else, again, is in my life, is for you to learn first and you get the tools or together. It doesn't have to be first, necessarily, but you need to know these tools so that you can help. And maybe you see your kids feeling anxious and you can be able to say, okay, what are you thinking about that's making you feel anxious instead of just trying to minimize the anxiety they're feeling?

We want to fix things, and if they really need help, go find them a therapist. Let them know it's okay. It's okay. It's normal to have these strong feelings. Adolescence is tough, right?

You got all these hormones going on. School's tough. You got relationships. You have social media, which is another thing that I never had to deal with growing up, which I'm really glad I didn't. I like social media, but as a kid, I think it's really tough to maneuver.

So there's a lot of stuff that our kids are going through. And you want to offer them that resource of going to someone confidential who's going to be able to give them the comfort, give them the support, give them the tools they need in a confidential situation where they know that they can share anything and it's going to be safe. So I just wanted to respond and let you guys know what I thought about the question regarding helping your kids. I think everything here they can use. So if you have any other thoughts or questions on that, again, reach out to me.

I love hearing from you guys. I'll go over all my emails and all that at the end of today's show. And today I'm going to talk about relationships. And I know I've talked about manipulation a couple of times. This was a little different about relationships and manipulation than my other podcast.

And I thought that what I'm going to share with you today is a good way to kind of, you know, shift your thinking about how to handle when someone's being manipulative versus everyone always wants to seem to understand the manipulator. Why are they doing this? What are they thinking? I want to talk more about what are you going to do if you're feeling that you're in a situation where you're being manipulated. Because all of us are vulnerable to being manipulated in relationships.

Whether it's a romantic relationship with your friends, your parents, children, employers, co workers, your neighbors, any relationship, there can be manipulation going on. And when you allow another person to manipulate you, you're actually colluding with their desire to control your feelings, your motives and even your thoughts through deceptive and exploiting you and being unfair. So all of these things can be addressed using your cognitive behavioral therapy tools and understanding that. And also remember, you know, manipulative relationship is one sided and it's definitely unbalanced. And what is it doing?

It's advancing the goals of the manipulator at the expense of yourself being manipulated. And these relationships can become really troubled over time. So if you want to change this kind of relationship, you first have to recognize the features of the manipulator and then you need to look within to understand your contribution to manipulation. And we'll talk more about what that means. You might be thinking, how am I contributing to this?

So there's really effective ways to stand up to manipulation and bring balance back into the relationship. So let me first talk to you about how manipulation is different than influence somebody. Because we all use influence with other people to advance in our own goals. And this is one of the hallmarks of a healthy social functioning, right? Dealing with each other, being work situations and relationships.

So influence recognizes that people have rights, people have boundaries. And it's based on more direct, honest communication. It's also one way we have the ability to function effectively in our world. So influence recognizes the integrity of the other person, it includes the right not to go along with the attempt and persuasion. Right?

So if someone is trying to influence you, you don't have to go along with it. But manipulation, on the other hand, depends on covert agendas in an attempt to coerce another person into giving in. So it's not coming from a good place, it doesn't have good intentions. And even though it may appear that the manipulator is strong and in control, really underlying, there's usually a lot of insecurity going on, but they don't want to show that, right? And the tendency to exploit others and disregard their rights is a sign of unhealthy personality going on.

In fact, people who manipulate others have difficulty in maintaining good interpersonal relationships, right? Because a good interpersonal relationship does not include manipulation. Now, you might say, how was I manipulated? How did that happen? And I got to tell you that people that are manipulators are really good at spotting people to control.

If they feel unable to manipulate you, they're going to give up and move on to somebody else who's more likely to be receptive to being manipulated. It's weird. It's almost this energy that is out there that they can just see that you can be influenced easily. And that moves into that manipulation where when you're being influenced, you're not using those boundaries you normally have to just kind of go along with what they're saying. And once you recognize the features of the manipulation, the next step for you is to correct the situation and discover your own contribution to the problem.

So, as I said earlier, this might seem a bit difficult to accept because after all, we all think the manipulator is the one that has a problem. But you want to realize that manipulation cannot occur in a vacuum, right. As is any truth of any relationship, it takes two people. So you can come to understand your contribution to manipulation and then take steps to correct it, which is wonderful. Right.

I always want to feel like I have control over what's going on in my life. You're not a victim. Right? You can change things. If you're in a relationship that isn't feeling good, doesn't feel good to you, you don't feel honoring yourself.

You don't feel you're respected, you can take steps to correct it. It's not just about, oh, the manipulator is he needs or she needs to change. So let's first talk about some common traits of those who are vulnerable to manipulators, right? Because we're focusing on us because that's the control we do have. So some common traits of those are manipulated are those that feel useful and loved only when you take care of the needs of other people.

So if that's when you feel useful and loved, you're going to be manipulated. And this goes on just being nice to other people. Your sense of worth is tied up in doing things for other people. This relates to a podcast I'm codependency if you want to listen to that one as well. In fact, you take this so far that you please other people at the expense of your own well being.

So, for example, you might buy something really nice for your partner or friend when you would never spend that kind of money on yourself. And manipulators are drawn to this type of person and have no qualms about taking advantage of this particular personality trait. They will take and take and take, and then that feeds your core issue of not feeling useful or loved only when other people need you. So you can just see how this perpetuates the problem. Another common trait for those that get manipulated is when you need to have the approval and acceptance of other people.

So although most people appreciate being accepted, a problem occurs when you feel that you must be accepted by everyone at all times. And the core problem here is the fear of being rejected or abandoned. So remember my podcast and core beliefs. You can listen to that as well. We talk about the core issues.

This one would be if you have a fear of being rejected or abandoned. And it's so strong that you do anything to avoid the feelings associated with the sphere. So the manipulator works by giving you the acceptance that you need and then threatening to withdraw it. So you can imagine how scary that is if your court issue is being rejected or abandoned. So then you're like, oh, my God, what do I have to do?

What I have to do to stay in this relationship? And then the manipulation continues. Another common trait of those being manipulated is when you fear expressing negative emotions. So although expressing anger and engaging in a conflict are never pleasant, some people will go to any length to avoid a confrontation. They want things to be pleasant all the time, and they fear that they'll fall apart in the face of any negative emotions.

So manipulators have an easy task in this kind of relationship. All they have to do is thread and trace their voice, and then they get their way. Let me just comment about the word confrontation. I know it sounds so negative. I try to look at it as I'm confronting a problem.

It doesn't have to be aggressive, it doesn't have to be negative, doesn't have to be scary. It doesn't have to be always about anger. So that's something to start working through if you're really afraid of negative emotions and you let someone manipulate you because you're trying to avoid that. Another trait is if you're unable to say no. So one of the characteristics of a health relationship is appropriate boundaries, right?

They clarify who you are and what you stand for and when you honor yourself. So in order to maintain healthy boundaries, you must sometimes say no when someone attempts to, you know, push your limits or manipulate you or want too much. It's a very important tool to be able to say no and to feel okay. So if you're afraid of the conflict that might arise when you say no, you're going to just play into the hands of manipulator, and you're not going to get anywhere and you're not going to feel good. You have to learn how to say no, and by learning effective assertiveness techniques is a way to regain your sense of control in a manipulative relationship.

So being able to say no is being assertive, right? Being able to save what you need and what you think without you trying to manipulate anybody is being assertive. And those are some of the tools we're going to talk about that you can use if you find yourself in a manipulative relationship. Another trait that I wanted just to comment on is if you lack a firm sense of your own self. So a clear sense of self means that you know what your values are, who you are, what you stand for, where you begin and the other person ends.

If you have an unclear sense of your own self, it's really difficult to trust your own judgment or to make decisions that work in your favor without a clear definition of yourself. You may be an easy target for a manipulator because you're just going to kind of go along and agree with what other people say or feel about you if it sounds okay because you don't really know yourself. So if you're in a manipulative relationship, it's helpful to recognize the personal tendencies that allow the other person to assert control over you. So I hope this is starting to shift your thinking and like, oh, what am I doing that's allowing this to continue versus I got to get the manipulator to stop. How are you going to get them to stop is by you changing.

And you can come to understand and explore all of these really safely with the support of maybe a professional therapist, good friends, a good group that you can talk to, a support group in your life and kind of share what's going on and sharing the changes you want to make. And maybe going to a therapist, a CBT therapist. I would recommend, of course, to be able to learn these tools to deal with these relationships that you might be in. And even though you can't change the behavior of the manipulator, you can change your response to attempts at being manipulated so that you can achieve a more firmer sense of your own integrity, which is really going to make you feel a lot stronger, a lot better as a person. And then when you're able to do that, you're not going to attract these manipulators.

You're going to be that person that they're going to say, oh, this person is very easily manipulated. I'm going to go find somebody else. That's who you want to be and the unhappiness resulting from an immune relationship can lead to life changing experiences that generate insight and the ability to cope more effectively with the demands of living every day and living to the fullest. So let me say that one more time. So the unhappiness resulting from an amino acid relationship can lead to life changing experiences that generate insight and a better ability to cope more effectively.

So what I mean is that because you're in this manipulative relationship and you're unhappy, that can help you start making those changes you want to make. So where's the silver lining here is I'm going to take this as an opportunity to grow and really be the person I want to be, instead of having more sense of myself, being able to say no and having healthy boundaries and not feeling that I need to be useful so that I can feel loved by somebody else, only by caring for their needs. All the things I've talked about, if you're in this, instead of saying, oh my gosh, you know, this is so horrible, how did I let this happen? What am I going to do? You can say, oh, here's an opportunity.

I need to change some things about me because obviously I'm allowing myself to be manipulated now that I realize it, and they can be really life changing experiences for the better. So it's not hopeless. I don't want you to be feeling down if you're starting to see what's going on here as we're talking about this, I want you to look at what are the benefits that things happen in our lives? And instead of saying oh, no, I tell my clients to say, hey, here's an opportunity for me to do it better, for me to do it right, for me to make changes. And that just feels better using the word opportunity versus like oh no, right.

So see if you can do that for yourself. When you're looking at something that you don't really want to address or you're feeling overwhelmed, where's the opportunity within this situation? And that's all about how I'm thinking about it. Your CBT tools. My thought is this is an opportunity, instead of my thought being, oh my gosh, I'm doomed Toby to be depressed or be in bad relationships.

That's shifting that thought so that your feelings are less anxious, less depressed, less overwhelmed, so that you can take the steps or you can go see a therapist. You can have that motivation and go do something because when your moods are more manageable, you're going to be able to step out and do more of the behaviors that are going to help you make those changes and be able to change your thinking. So I hope you can see it's all working together. It's step by step, but it's really your perception and how you're seeing things and how you're thinking about them that can help you start getting out of the situation. If you happen to be in where you're being manipulated.

So let's talk about the manipulators tactics for a minute and we'll talk more about what you can do. So manipulation in a relationship usually progresses over a long period of time. It's not something that happens quickly. And manipulators learn over time how far they can go. And they're unlikely to attempt to manipulate the other person at the beginning of a relationship since this would bring to the attention and probably make the relationship end immediately.

So that's part of the manipulation too, right, is that it's slow and over time because they're going to observe your vulnerabilities and they're going to learn eventually how to exploit them for their own purposes. So there are two basic tactics that are used to exert control. They usually go hand in hand. So what's the first one? The first is the promise of gain.

So what that means is the manipulator is going to promise you to provide something if you go along with what they want. So an example I'll give you would be like, quote, I promise no arguments for a week if you'll end your friendship with Pat.

So that's one tactic. The other tactic is the promise of avoiding loss. So in this case, a manipulator is going to threaten you with the loss of something if you don't go along with their desires. So that would be, quote, I'm going to stay out with my friends late every night unless this house is clean, spic and spam by the time I get home. So there's that threat there.

And of course, these two examples are obvious manipulation attempts that I'm sharing with you. But most manipulators use more subtle methods that we even see in these examples. And that's why, you know, it's not about beating yourself up, but it might be like having an AHA moment, like, oh yeah, that is manipulative, because it creates some fear anxiety in me when this person talks to me this way. Or if your boss is like, you know, if you don't meet your goals and the goals are like unattainable, you're going to lose your job, right? That's manipulative to get you maybe to do more, to work longer, to stay longer hours, all those kinds of things.

So there's so many examples that are out there and you need to look within yourself and see, are there any relationships in my life that I feel are being manipulative towards myself? And what is that? And if someone else has said to you also they seem kind of manipulative and you've been like, oh no, that's just how they are, it's fine maybe to step back and say, you know, so and so said to me that I thought this person was manipulating me and I was kind of defensive about it for whatever reason. Maybe you're getting some needs met even if you're not being conscious about it. So I need to step back and say, maybe there's some truth in here.

That's something I need to look at. The manipulative people have a really strong need to be in control. And this might come from underlying feelings of insecurity on their part, as I mentioned before. And although they often compensate for these feelings with a show of really strong confidence, that might not really be their truth. And even though they're probably going to deny it, their motives are definitely selfserving and they pursue their aims regardless of the cost of other people.

Manipulators also have a strong need to feel superior and powerful in their relationships. So they find people who validate these feelings by going along with their attempts at manipulation, and they see power as finite. So if you exert power over in a manipulator, they're going to retaliate in order to gain back the control they feel they're losing. That's why you need to have specific tools so that you can handle this okay and not back down. They can't understand the idea that everyone can feel empowered or that everyone can gain it's.

Definitely. They win, you lose instead of winwin. And when they're not in control of either themselves or other people, they feel really threatened. And manipulators have difficulty in showing vulnerable motions because it might suggest that they're not in control. And that's really uncomfortable for them and they don't want to be there.

So it's always this power trip and being in control and managing things. So that's where they're going to get aggressive with you if they don't feel like you're going along. And the other thing too, is people that are manipulatives usually don't consciously plan these maneuvers. But because of their underlying emotional issues, maybe a personality disorder, they're played out with the victim, who sometimes unwittingly encourages the manipulation. Sometimes you're doing things you're like, no, you're wonderful, you're great.

Everybody is listening to you. You know it all the time. You may end up feeding them by being a good person, but it just feeds the manipulation. And because they're not always doing it consciously, it's you know, it's a really fine line to be able to really see what's going on. And there's so many tactics that manipulators use, from verbal threats to subtle attempts to arrange situations to suit themselves.

For example, one of the more common forms of mulation is called splitting. So this is when you turn two people against each other by talking to each one behind the back of the other, getting them to dislike or distrust each other and then leaving the manipulator in position of control. Kids can do this too. They'll talk to the mom, oh, and then mom says no. And then they'll go to dad and say, oh, mom said it's up to you.

That's splitting. When there isn't good communication and they're telling people different things for their benefit, they can also use what I call active techniques. So that means like being angry, lying, intimidating, shouting namecalling or being a bully. Or they may use passive methods like pouting, sulking, ignoring you, or even giving you the silent treatment. It's all forms of manipulation to gain control.

So think about if those behaviors are in any of the relationships you're involved in and then to decide, do I want to do something about it? So let's talk. What are some of the ground rules for dealing with manipulation? Because as I said at the beginning of this podcast, I want to teach you some productive therapy notes so that you can deal with the manipulator in your life if you decide to stay in a relationship. Because you always can leave the relationship as well, right?

So as I was saying earlier, you want to focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator. Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator. It's not helpful to try to out manipulate a skillful manipulator. You're simply making yourself vulnerable to further manipulation. And you're not going to change the manipulator by focusing on his or her imperfections and trying to work towards them.

Achieving Insight you need the insight. You may think that it would be helpful to share with the manipulator how you feel and how his or her behavior has an impact on you. But this is generally not helpful since most manipulators are not capable of empathy and they can end up using this information against you in the future. The only effective method of changing manipulative behavior is to disable it by making a change within yourself, thereby changing the dynamics of the manipulative relationship. Does that make sense?

Right? If you cease to cooperate with the manipulative tactics, you're going to alter the nature of the relationship. And if manipulators have to work hard to maintain control relationship, they usually give up. They're going to leave the relationship and find someone else to control it's. Like if you ever stood up to a bully, they tend to back down.

They're not going to keep trying to bully you if you keep standing up to them, right? So that's where you have control over what's going to happen. You also want to assess the worth of this relationship to you. So depending on the severity of the manipulation and the damage it's done to your own sense of happiness and your own integrity, you may need to consider whether it's worth a continual relationship at all. Of course, there's some relationships, like parentchild, for example, when you have to stay in the relationship for good reasons.

And it's helpful to at least achieve some clarity about what you want in your life and assess how the relationship has the potential to lead you toward your personal goals. So parentchild, if there's manipulation going on, this is maybe an opportunity to become a better parent. Be the parent you want to be. Help your kid out if they're trying to manipulate. So again, there's opportunities.

But there may be other relationships in your life that you're just like. You know what? This relationship isn't worth it to me and I need to just move on. Also, some tools you can use other than your CBT tools is assertive techniques to change the nature of your relationship. So even though you might be accustomed to complying with the manipulator's tactics that you automatically do for him or her without thinking about it, you first need to stop your automatic compliance.

So this is your CBT tools, right? So you do this by buying time to think about each situation as it arises, right? So instead of just going along, you could say something like, I get back to you on that when I have the time to think about it. At this point now you're in control of the situation, and it's not helpful to let the manipulator ask you why you need time since it invites your loss of control. Just repeat the same thing over and over again with that explanation, I need more time to think about it.

Right? So that's a cognitive tool. That's an assertive tool. That's what we call broken record technique. If you say something, you set a boundary, you say no and someone tries to get you to explain it, you've lost the argument, right?

No means no means no means no. As soon as you try to explain no, you've lost. Right? Or if you say what I said a minute ago, saying, I'll get back to you on that when I have time to think about it, that's pretty clear. You don't need to explain why you need time.

That's your choice. That's your right, that integrity, those boundaries. The next thing you need to do is to confront your own fear, your anxiety, or your guilt that has driven you to comply in the past with the manipulator's demands. Right? So this is cognitive therapy, right?

That if I'm fearful, if I'm anxious, I'm guilty. Those are all moods. What am I thinking that's causing me to feel that way? And are those even real thoughts? Right?

Are they half thoughts? Are they facts? I need to look at that and then I need to look for the evidence that supports or doesn't support my hot thoughts. So this is going to require a deep look within yourself. And again, this is where sometimes a professional therapist can really be helpful to help you see what's going on.

Sometimes when I meet with new clients, I'm able to see what's going on pretty quick because I don't have that emotional attachment. I'm just able to look into their world and see what's going on and be able to point things out. And that's why seeing a professional therapist can be really helpful for those reasons. And it can kind of get you moving quicker versus maybe trying to figure out this on your own, especially if you feel suffering stuck. So when you start exploring your own thoughts and feelings and your behaviors, why you react as you do, you can start to use alternative responses, even though it might be a challenge.

But I'm telling you, the benefits are far reaching. They could even save your relationship or at least prepare you for a healthier one in the future, right? So if this relationship doesn't continue, it doesn't last. If it's a job, I need to leave, how am I going to use this? And by practicing these tools, be able to use this in future relationships.

That is the goal to continue to grow, right? And finally, you might label the manipulation for what it is. So you might say, when you threatened to leave me, I feel afraid. If you would simply state your wishes and show me some respect, I'd be more able to listen to what you want. That would be an example of what you could say to the person who's manipulative when you're starting to throw out those threats about leaving.

You also want to have a calm voice. You want to have direct eye contact. It might be time to announce that the old manipulations have come to an end. You might say something like, we both understand that you have a pattern of playing on my fears, and now you know how I feel about that. Your way of threatening me is not going to work any longer.

That would be an example. In making any of these types of assertive statements, you're defining your boundaries, right? This isn't going to work anymore. And there's no need to make threats, just simple practice that you're not going to participate any longer in the manipulations. And make it clear that by setting limits and you enhancing your own personal integrity, you expect a better relationship in the future.

So this is where I have mentioned to you guys often just ask yourself the question, am I honoring myself? And I really believe with all my heart that we each can answer that for ourselves. And we don't need anybody to tell us we know if we're honor ourselves or not. And if we're not, we need to look and say, Why am I not? And what's going on?

And learning to be more assertive for yourself in the face of a manipulative individual who feels threatened when not in control is definitely a challenge. Although doing this could change your life. And again, getting some professional help is really recommended because this is tough stuff. Especially this might be something that's been going on your whole life. You might have manipulative parents, and then you chose a manipulative spouse.

Or you have a manipulative friend or a manipulative boss, right? Whatever it is. Or you let your kids manipulate you because you've never learned how to be assertive. You've never learned your worth. You don't even feel that you deserve it.

You just feel like you have to please others and be there for them. Or that I don't want any conflict. Or like I mentioned earlier, you don't want to confront because then it's going to rock the boat and I'd rather just go along and keep it simple and easy. And that just isn't the long term answer. There are moments that maybe it's better just to go along and get past a certain situation, but most of the time you really need to think about what you're doing.

If you're not feeling good about yourself, listen to your gut. Listen to yourself. Because you're probably right that you aren't honoring who you are and you deserve to. So, to finish up, I got a little quiz for you for you to know if you're in a manipulative relationship. So these are just true or false questions that you can ask yourself to help you figure out if you're just not sure.

So the first one is I sometimes feel confused about what my partner really wants. True or false you want to answer? The next one is I feel that my partner frequently takes advantage of my giving nature. Number three is even when I do something that pleases my partner, the positive feelings never last long. Number four is when my partner with my partner, I feel that it's hard just to be myself or do what I really want around my partner, I feel taken for granted.

The next one is I seem to work harder on this relationship than my partner does. Another question ask yourself is my partner has a very strong impact on what I think and feel. I sometimes feel that I'm trapped in my relationship and there's no way out. I don't feel as good about myself and my relationship as I once did. I feel that I need my partner more than my partner needs me.

No matter how much I have done, I feel that it's not good enough for my partner. And last is I feel that my partner does not understand who I really am. So I just gave you twelve questions. If you answered more than half of them with the true versus false, you might want to consider exploring whether you're in a manipulative relationship. These are just some questions to get you thinking, so I hope this was helpful.

A lot of good information, lots more ways to use your CBT tools. I have a lot more podcasts that address a lot of the different aspects I talked about in this podcast as well if you feel that other ones would be helpful.

And as always, if you have any questions or podcast suggestions, you can email me at mycbt podcast@gmail.com.

You can find me on Instagram at my CBT podcast and under Dr. Julie Osborn on Facebook.

And my website is MyCognitiveBehavioralTherapy.com.

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Thanks for joining me. Stay safe.

And remember to always make decisions based on what's best for you and how you feel.