Episode #46 

How To Assert Yourself

Do you struggle to communicate your desires and preferences?

Do you feel like people walk all over you and you are powerless to change it?

In this episode, Dr Julie talks about what it means to be assertive in a healthy way, how it can benefit you and how to do it.

Using the power of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, she also gives you practical tips and tools you can use right now to start making positive changes in your own life.

Click the link below to listen now!

Reference Guide:

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, my name is Dr. Julie Osborn. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life. In this podcast, I'm going to answer some questions and share with you practical ways to apply CBT principles so you can achieve a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in your life and relationships.

So I first wanted to share an email I received because I know I've not been doing that in the last few episodes. My apologies because I love getting all your emails and I do want to share them. So I'm going to try and get back to that. Each week I want to share one that I was sent to me.

It says, “Hi, Dr. Julie. I came across your podcast last week on Spotify. And I just want to tell you that I've been listening to them every day a couple of days and finding them so helpful, in your words, are helping me make sense of my life, which I come across CBT many years ago. But I'm so grateful that I found your podcast so I don't waste any more of my life. I've been living with anxiety and depression most of my life, but didn't realize it until recently. I made my world so small and I'm trying so hard to stop thinking about all the things I did wrong and all the things I missed. I'm not sure anyone would understand, but I feel as if the last 30 years have gone by so fast. And because I wasn't living in the present and experiencing things, it's as if I wasn't there and 53 and feel as if my best years flitted by because I didn't get help sooner. Sorry for going on, but I just wanted to say thank you and I really appreciate you wanting to help people. You're very special person. Hope you're keeping well.”

Thank you very much. I keep people's names out just to protect their privacy. And just to share one last response, because I did reach out back to her.

She wrote back and just again said, “Dr. Osborne, thanks so much for your email. So it means so much to me that you took the time to get back to me saying that my best years are actually right now because I was talking to her about trying to be present and not going back and having regrets is helping me greatly and giving me hope. Thinking about not being present for so long frightens me and makes me feel desperately sad. Listening to your podcast today, you spoke about it never being too late to change and that you have to be ready, which I finally am. I bought the Mind over Mood book, which I look forward to reading. So again, I really appreciate you guys taking the time and just wanted to share that.”

I'm grateful that I'm reaching so many people and that it's making a difference. And again, if you want to share how the podcast has affected you or helped you, if you have questions, if you have recommendations on podcast for the future, and I'm open and loving to hear from everybody and I'm getting, you know, emails from people around the world, which is super cool, super cool.

So I just wanted to share that. And and again, to remind you, you know, something that she shared there in the email is, is that it isn't too late that, you know, if you've just come across my podcast, you're starting to learn about CBT.

You don't want to get caught up in the shoulda, woulda, coulda, because that's all in the past and say, OK, now I have something to work on and I can learn some tools and get better and go forward.

So let me start now and hopefully have many years left in your life that you'll be able to use these tools and really make a difference. So I want to be, again, focused on the present. You know, like they said, that's all we really have. Right.

I don't have the past and I don't have the future.

I just have today. What am I going to do today to get started, to take care of myself, to change my life, to change how I think what am I going to do today?

Because that's all I have control over. So that's a little way of getting started if you're feeling stuck at all. So today's podcast, I'm going to be talking about what it means to be assertive and what the difference is between that and being passive, being aggressive, being passive aggressive. I do have a past podcast on the passive aggressive partner, so that might be something you want to listen to as well. I'm going to focus more on what it means to be assertive today, but, you know, touch on what the other types of communication styles are as well.

So first, let me give you a definition about what being assertive is. And, of course, I'm going to share how CBT is a huge factor here and how it can help you get to be more assertive because that is the goal.

So assertive behavior involves expressing your own way of seeing things in a way that's respectful of the other person, although no one can guarantee that the other person will like what you do or say. Assertive behavior requires that the other person is being treated with respect. And another big part of being assertive is remembering that it's not about getting someone to agree with you is just you sharing how you think, how you feel about a situation. And speaking up for yourself is is a big part of it a lot of times.

So have you ever heard someone say to yourself, you know, I'm a nice person, I'm polite, I never do intentionally do anything to hurt anybody, so why don't other people give me the respect I deserve? So the problem could really be that you're not really being assertive.

The nice person, the person, the one they never intentionally hurts anybody, which is good, may also be more passive than they realize, you know, and unless, you know, others can see you for who you truly are underneath it all other people might not treat you with the respect or know really how to treat you because you're not really speaking up for yourself and being authentic. And this can lead to some unhappy experiences. So at the heart of being assertive is your ability to know who you.

You are and what you stand for and then to express these qualities effectively in everyday interactions with other people, so expressing yourself effectively involves maintaining respect for the rights and feelings of others. As I said just a minute ago, an assertion is definitely not being aggressive, which some people who are passive feel like it's aggressive because they haven't really practiced that. So that's something we'll talk about to kind of understand what the difference is and and to understand it's going to take you some time to get comfortable if this isn't something you've practiced.

So people who are assertive know that they can deal with the world much more effectively if they don't resort to violence or other aggressive responses. And in many ways, assertiveness is really the exact opposite of aggression. Being assertive enhances really constructive communication and cooperation between people. While when someone gets aggressive, whether it's you or someone else, it tends to shut people down. Right? Someone's yelling or screaming at you. You're either going to get aggressive back or you're just going to shut down.

So you're not going to get anywhere. Also, assertion definitely is not being manipulative either. Most people are aware at some level when they're being manipulated, which can lead to distrust and a lack of respect for both parties. And also manipulation involves hiding behind a mask and not being your true self. Being assertive means tearing off the mask and happily announcing to the world who you truly are.

And it's really kind of the reality test to be free in the communication, the relationships that you want.

So if you think about your everyday experiences, we see passive behavior around us every day. And most people who lack an assertive style are simply those who want to keep the peace. For the most part, they want goodness and cooperation between people, which is nice, right? I mean, that's a good thing. However, they often pay a high price for this in terms of functioning effectively in the world. Again, there's negative consequences associated with the passive style.

So, for example, those who are not assertive allow their feelings and boundaries to be violated by others. They believe they do not have the right to their own feelings, beliefs or opinions. And even if they do, they have difficulty in expressing them in a self affirming way. They may feel that asserting their thoughts will lead to rejection or even being attacked, and they frequently feel that it's better to withhold their ideas rather than to cause conflict. We've always heard, like someone says, I don't want to rock the boat.

People that aren't assertive may feel guilty when they have to say no, which is another problem, right? You have to know how to say no. And they also allow others to make decisions for them and they assume that others will care for their needs. They may place the needs of others above their own. And passive people are usually victimized by others because they can be because people will learn if you're someone that's not going to speak up for yourself and just say yes all the time.

So the consequences for choosing to be passive are can be really costly and people feel hurt and mistreated when their needs are met. Yet those that are passive do little to meet their needs themselves because they're always thinking about others in a way that isn't healthy. They may stir up negative feelings and then harbor anger, resentment. They don't feel like their sense of efficacy in the world's diminished and then they complain about how unfair the world is to them.

This approach to the world may lead to depression, poor self-esteem, anxiety, isolation and anger.

But there's definitely better alternatives. And learning to be more assertive involves examining many dimensions in your own life. So let's talk about that first. If you're not being assertive, why is that? And let's look at myself. So one is self-esteem. So self-esteem is how you define yourself positively or negatively. And it depends on the messages you've heard from others throughout your life. So we end up internalizing the things we've heard about ourselves from other people. And this becomes a base of our self-esteem, which can either be more positive or negative.

And if we see ourselves in a negative light, we may think that we're not worthy of speaking up for what we wants, which is a thought right in this can lead to not being assertive or passive lifestyle. And people who work on their assertive skills have to look deeply to assess their self-esteem and see what they can do to create a more positive definition of themselves.

So you can find things about yourself that you like. You might practice sane affirmations to yourself until they start becoming more of a reality and replace your negative messages. Then you may have heard throughout your life you can have conversations with people in which they talk about their positive qualities and maintain a positive tone throughout their conversation. As an example. And what I was just saying about, you know, looking at the realities of your life, affirmations, changing how you think and feel about yourself is that's also connected, which we've talked about before is your core beliefs.

I have a podcast on that, too, talking about what are those underlying beliefs you have based on the messages you've received throughout your life, how your interpretation is of them, what you've heard and that affects your self-esteem, which then affects how you communicate and how you feel in the world. Rather might be going to be passive, am I going to be assertive, am I going to be aggressive? So turning an old legacy of negativity into a present sense of positive feelings and beliefs takes some work, some persistence and definitely some motivation.

But the rewards are enormous.

One day you'll realize that you really do like yourself and you like who you are and you're willing to let the world know this.

This doesn't imply that you're conceited or you feel, you know, superior to others or you're condescending. You're simply working to repair old negative messages that have held you back in the past and you're working towards balance. Right? I talk about balance all the time. Assertion also requires positive self-esteem. Right. So that you can do that. And once you feel good about yourself, you can then go out into the world with the healthy sense of pride and assertively deal with many experiences and people who come your way.

So I'm going to repeat again, and I said at the beginning as being assertive is expressing how you think and feel without the intention of getting anyone else to agree with you is just letting you know this is where I'm coming from. So one tool that comes out of that also is just learning that sometimes you have to agree to disagree. Right, that it's not. Again, it's not. I'm right. You're wrong. It's like, OK, that's your point of view.

This is my point of view. We can agree to disagree, but we can still have the friendship or the relationship or the working relationship and go forward so we don't get stuck.

But at least you'll feel good that you asserted how you felt and you felt like you were hurt and you didn't disrespect yourself by holding it in. Of course, again, finding balance is knowing that it's not always right. We don't want to do anything. Always being assertive, sometimes based on who you're dealing with. It might be good to be a little passive if you come across someone who's super aggressive, maybe being quiet and getting out of the situation can be good.

So remember, we're always looking for balance overall. You want to see yourself as being an assertive person and being an assertive person, not just seeing yourself that way. But there's times that maybe being quiet is best and getting out of the situation. So keep that in mind. You know, again, we're not here. We don't want to do black and white thinking. We don't want to have those kind of distorted thoughts. We want to find the balance.

So another aspect to look at, if you're wanting to be assertive, is your communication pattern. So good communication requires the ability to listen to others and express your thoughts and feelings while you maintain respect for other people. So, again, if you want more detail, I do have a podcast and communication skills called You're Right and So Am I. And what about being a good listener, which is a really great skill to have, too, which is called What did you say?

So if you want to have some other podcast after today where you want people who are more specific, I would suggest those ones. So good communication also involves the ability to express your ideas clearly and effectively. Being assertive does not involve blaming the other person or putting them down. There's no room for sarcasm when we're communicating assertively. Being assertive, speaking often involves using the word ice statements so that as you talk about how you feel or think about something without attacking the other person.

So you want to just say, you know, I feel this way when you, you know, didn't follow through with your commitment to me versus you make me feel upset because you didn't do this. So when you use the word you, you're blaming. And one thing I can almost guarantee is when you blame, the other person is going to become defensive, which is going to be more aggressive and you're not going to get anywhere. So you really want to take that time to understand your thoughts, your you know, what feelings those are creating.

Why am I being upset and what do I want to communicate by using I statements? Being assertive does not aim to put the other person into a defensive stance, but rather opens communication patterns between people. And when you speak assertively, your voice is modulated and warm and produced at a normal volume. Your flow of words is even in conversational. You want your voice to be relaxed. So you might say if you're at a restaurant, you know, the steak is well done.

And I asked for medium rare in the same tone that you might use to come in and help blue the sky seems today it's just being calm and just expressing again, not with the need of what the other person is going to do, but I just need to share where I'm at and maybe we can come up with some compromise. And of course, your nonverbal cues should be consistent with your verbal communication. So, for example, if you're going to say, you know, I'm not angry, you don't want to say that, you know, with your teeth gritted and your nostrils flaring and, you know, your fists clenched, you just want to be able to say, you know what, I'm not angry, but we need to talk more about this because I'm not feeling comfortable with where this is going.

So another aspect actually is relaxing. So a lot of passive people complain that they fall apart emotionally when they get into confrontations or other stressful situations. I think a lot of people can relate to this. I mean, a lot of people that say, you know, I'll just start crying and I don't want to. They feel as if their emotions are out of control, their postures tense. They. I have a hard time having eye contact, their voice, my quiver.

Their thoughts are just kind of all over the place. It's helpful to realize that stress and social encounters is a learned response. So you learn to be tense in certain situations based on really what you're thinking about. Right. We need to figure out, you know, what am I thinking that's making me upset that I want to do something about this. But I'm kind of, you know, stressed out to do it. And you can learn through practice to be relaxed in those situations so that your predominant response becomes relaxation rather than stress.

There are several techniques for learning to relax, such as deep breathing, some meditations, great deep muscle relaxation and desensitization. So my anxiety podcast, I talk a lot more about the breathing and the deep muscle relaxation also.

So having a therapist that can help teach you these simple but effective methods can be part of your therapy. You know, how can I give relaxed and focused before I go address the situation with this person? That's really important to me. And I love and I want to work things out, but I'm scared and I don't want to just start crying and have that to be the focus. Right. I want the focus to be what I'm trying to communicate.

So it's good to take time to breathe, relax, be focused on what am I going to say even doing, you know, the mind over mood. There's an exercise that I teach people call an action plan, which might be a great thing to do before you go approach somebody, because you're going to write down, you know, what your goal is and what you're worried your possible problems might be, which could be crying or getting stressed out or just not being able to communicate what you're trying to say.

And then it talks about strategy so you can plan ahead of time. What am I going to do if I all of a sudden get passive or aggressive instead of being assertive or I get too emotional? What are some things I can do before I keep going forward? So that's a good tool to use as well. Another thing about being assertive is you really want to be authentic. So learning to be assertive is not just an exercise in discovering appropriate responses, it's uncomfortable social situations.

Rather, it really mirrors a personal process of self discovery, which is always great, that is often aided by working with the therapist. So the goal is to reach your authentic self, your integrity or your genuine core. This process involves examining your life objectively, understanding what the various forces and experiences are. The made you who you are today that involves self acceptance. And figuring out who you are today and having that acceptance, you know, is really understanding, you know, what are my core values, what are my core beliefs about myself, you may involve forgiving those who've been unfair to you as well.

And at some point in the process of self discovery, you acknowledge the imperfections within yourself and other people and you accept them and you begin to know who you are and what you like and dislike. And in a comfortable and undermanning way, you want to share all of this with the world. That sounds great, doesn't it? Doing that self discovery that motivates me. At least I love doing therapy, being a therapist and kind of understanding myself, helping other people understand having, you know, aha.

Moments like, oh, that's why I keep repeating the same destructive pattern or that's why I don't speak up or those are my fears, which I hadn't even realized they were. When you can comfortably share your authentic self with the world around you, with integrity and respect for the rights and wholeness of other people, you're truly asserting yourself and you'll feel good. So you're not going to get caught up whether or not they agreed with you, but you're just going to feel good that you know what?

I respected them, but I was still able to express what was important to me. And that's what's really most important. And when you're more assertive, I believe people will listen to you because they feel respected. Right. And if you feel respected when someone's talking to you, you're going to be more open and more focused on what they're saying versus if you feel like you're being attacked, you're just there to defend yourself. And now whatever the issue is, gets lost, because now I'm just defending myself.

So it really works both ways.

So let's talk about some assertive tips, right? You might be like, OK, this all sounds good. How do I do it?

So the first one I would I would recommend her to be aware of is to recognize that people are responsible for their own behavior. It's not helpful to blame other people when they choose not to do things that you need or want. And you can assertively tell another person what you feel about a situation. But then it's the other person's choice to go along with that if they want to or not. This is your way of showing others that you respect them and they in turn will probably show you respect as well or not.

But then we also accept the consequences.

And I think when people see you as an assertive person, it can really change the dynamics in the relationship, because if there's someone that tends to be aggressive and tries to bully others, they're going to know that's not someone that's something that you're going to put up with. And the dynamics for them is not going to work. So they need to decide how to communicate with you differently or maybe it's not a relationship to have and that they're not going going to address that.

Or maybe their behavior will change because they know that you're going to be accountable to yourself and make them accountable as well. You also want to let other people know exactly what you want without making vague requests, so state your full position when you're conveying your wishes to others. Other people are not mind readers. And I talk about this with my clients all the time that I don't care how long you're with your partner, how well you think you know your kids.

None of us can read each other's minds. None of us have, you know, that insight to be able to see what people are thinking. You know, we all evolve and learn on really a daily basis. Right. And we have different experiences that we bring home and we're learning differently. We think differently about stuff. So we're always changing. So I don't think that you really know somebody. I mean, you might know the basics, but you can't read their mind and you don't have a crystal ball.

So you really have to share how you're feeling. And I assume that, you know what other people are thinking or feeling. It may seem easier sometimes to drop a hint and hope the other person guesses what you want, but this leads to confusion. Unmet expectations have a lot of people also, you know, do the should he should know I want flowers. I talk about flowers all the time and I say, well, what's your goal as you go to get flowers or waiting for him to figure out you want flowers?

Hopefully the long term goals that you want flowers to just say, I would love for you to bring me flowers home on Fridays. I would make it, you know, mean a lot to me and then it's in their ballpark. But don't be vague about it. If you want something, if you're specific and clear in your communication, others don't have to play a guessing game and then know exactly how you feel about a situation in which your thoughts are.

And then this allows them to make those appropriate responses right. So I say it's in their ballpark to maybe bring flowers home. Now it's up to them. If that never happens, that's another area to discuss. But at least you were clear. You know, a lot of people relationships. I really hear this whole guessing game. They should know we've been together long enough. How could they not know this? You know, but again, your needs and wants change as you grow as well as there is just so good communication is really important.

You also want to speak up when you have strong feelings about an issue. It's not necessary to have an opinion on everything. Some people tend to do that right. But you don't have to. And sometimes the mature response is simply to be quiet. As I was saying earlier, however, when the price to be paid for remaining silent is anger, unhappiness or resentment, it's far better to air your opinion. And I hope you have some experiences and I do.

And lots of my clients I talked to that when they found the courage to speak up and be assertive, the outcome was way better than they thought it was going to be and things were able to be cleared up. And all the anxiety and stress that you feel holding in and worrying and worrying and worrying is way worse than what you're going to feel if you're just assertive and can talk something out with somebody. Or, again, you might find out I can't talk something out with this person.

We have to agree to disagree. And then you need to decide what kind of relationship you want with them. And that's being assertive because now you're respecting yourself. Also, you want to take time out if you need to contain your anger. Sometimes we find ourselves getting angry during a conversation, right. Rather than undermining our true goal of bringing about a constructive resolution to our differences with other people, it might be more helpful to take some time out to collect our thoughts so that our position can be presented more effectively.

So this isn't the same thing as cutting off another person emotionally, which is a destructive tactic. It's just taking a timeout. Like maybe if you're a parent, you give your kids a timeout, give yourself a timeout. Like I'm just so angry and pissed off right now. I really need to walk around, go take a walk, go you know, do whatever calms me down, really think through. Right. This is where the CBT comes in.

What am I thinking that's making me so angry and is it even true? Is it a half thought? I thought that's not 100 percent true. And sometimes, you know, the communication style can also be assertive.

Just saying, I don't know if this is true, but this is my fault and I need to talk to you about it because I'm really feeling angry and I want to feel angry and I'm thinking maybe I'm not understanding or you're not understanding where I'm coming from. So let's you know, I want to share what I'm thinking and how it's making me feel. But you don't want to respond, right, when you're angry, because then you'll be aggressive. And that's not a place that we want to be.

Also, you want to think through your arguments before presenting them. So, again, this goes back to the action plan. So sometimes we get lost in the trivial details that we forget the main points of the argument. Have you ever been arguing with somebody? And you're like, I forgot where this even started or I can't tell you how many clients I see. And I'm like, well, what were you arguing about in there?

Like, I don't even remember.

It was so stupid, but they got upset about the argument. So you want to think through the issues and get down to the core points that you want to make. Take some notes. There's nothing wrong with that. Doesn't have to come off the top of your head. You want to present your argument clearly so that the other person has a chance of understanding it and then your needs will be met more if that's the case, and they'll be much more willing to listen if your ideas are presented in an organized and consistent manner.

So you can say, oh, you always do this, always right or you never do this, like you really want concrete situations, stories, whatever it is that you're sharing, you know, or if you're expressing needs, you know, I was told, you know, if I'm working with clients like, you know, I wish, you know, he or she would do more loving things. So then I'm like, you know, if you just say to your partner, we should be more loving, like, I don't even know what that means.

Right. What is being more loving mean to you? You know, maybe it's like that you bring me flowers, you know, that we that you set up the date night. I'm not always planning everything, you know, whatever that might be. You want to be concrete because otherwise you're just leaving the person to guess and then you get pissed off because they didn't do what you wanted and then you don't feel like they care about you. And there's all your thoughts, right?

They don't care. They don't listen. It's not important to them where maybe they really did try. But you were so vague that they really don't know what you need. So you need to figure out what do I need, which not all of us know, what makes me feel love, what makes me feel important, what would be helpful for my partner or my work partner or my kids or whoever is in my my friend. If they could do this for me, that would be great.

I don't know if they will, but if you can ask for an assertive way, you're more likely to get your needs met. You also want to recognize that people are different and are entitled to their own point of view, which can be tough sometimes. Right. But when we feel very passionate about something. But, you know, if you can open yourself up to hearing what other people have to say, this doesn't mean that you necessarily have to agree.

Ambrosini, you can agree to disagree, you know, with an alternative viewpoint, but it's helpful to realize the two different positions can exist at the same time, if one person is right, the other person is not necessarily wrong. And even though you might feel disappointed or sad that someone believes in a way that you think is destructive or not healthy, if you can still be open minded and say, OK, yeah, I don't like that, but it is what it is, at least I got to share what I had to say.

Maybe, maybe I'll learn something from what I said. Maybe I can learn from them also.

But again, if you're going in, you know, knowing there's different points of views, it's going to be such a much better conversation and you're going to be able to express that respect to the other person, which is which is really the goal. So you can feel good when you walk away from the conversation when you're done. So specific a set of tools, what they call a broken record. So what's a broken record? It keeps repeating the same part of the song over and over again.

Right. So being a broken record works really well in certain situations, especially, I think if you have kids.

So if your kids want a second dessert and you say, no, we only having one and they keep asking and asking, all you need to do is be a broken record. No, we're just having one. Nope, we're just having one. As soon as you start to explain the know you've lost the conversation and they've won knows no people understand what no means. So what happens is you start to have these thoughts like, oh, maybe they don't understand what no means or maybe they needed to explain it better.

But if you're being clear and assertive, just stick with what you're saying. When people keep asking over and over again, they're being manipulative and they're hoping to change your mind and to convince you to break you down. Right. How many? I'm guilty. You know, my kids were younger that I give in sometimes because I was just exhausted. I'm like, OK, go ahead. You know, go have another piece of chocolate. It's not the end of the world.

And then I'm like, well, that wasn't really good message, because next time they're going to probably do the same thing. So, again, it's progress, not perfection. Right. But doing a broken record can be a really great way to handle conflicts. I think if you're breaking up with someone that worked with a lot of clients through break ups that, you know, once they clarify why they're breaking up, what's best for them using I statements, that they really need to stick to that.

And as soon as they start trying to explain to their partner all these other reasons or, you know, why they're breaking up or make it more clear because it's not OK, which is actually clear already.

Again, they've lost the conversation and then they'll be like, oh, no, we're not breaking up or oh, I said, OK, I'll give it one more try when they really don't want to. So, you know, write it down.

What do I want to express in that situation and just keep repeating it. If it's someone else, you know, if you say no, just keep saying no. And eventually if you really stick with it, it works. And people eventually stop asking and they'll either walk away or, you know, the conversation ends. And there's a clear understanding, so that's that's what's important about using the broken record technique is just sticking with it. One last tool that might make things easy to remember is that there's three C's of assertive communication.

So one is confidence. You believe in your ability to handle the situation. The second one is being clear. The message you have is clear and easy to understand. And the third is controlled. You deliver information to calm and controlled manner. So the three C's are confidence, clear and controlled.

And being aware of these three seas can help you give you some, you know, guidelines or some direction, and how do I want to express myself and think about, you know, if you struggle with being assertive, you know, think about someone in your life that is assertive and I'm guessing you might admire that and say that's something I'd like.

I'd like to be that way more so. And, you know, you've seen, you know, role models. There's lots of information on being assertive.

And again, it's a it's a place to get to. It's a type of communication, a practice. And again, it's not all exact. You know, sometimes being passive is the best way to go based on the situation. If somebody is super hostile and out of control, it's best to just be quiet and not try and be assertive with them in that moment. Probably won't work until there is like taking a time out again, unless you really are in a dangerous situation.

You want to be careful about being aggressive. If you're a yeller, a screamer fighter, then you're going to just tend to push people away from you. I know some clients that grew up in homes where their parents were screamers and yellers and they said they just kind of shut down and kind of gave up and tend to be more passive as an adult because they were never given a chance to have their voice be heard as a child or an adolescent.

So, you know, if you're one that's yelling and screaming, you have to understand that you're really affecting other people around you. And it's not getting you what you want either. And most likely, if you really think about it when you're done, you're not feeling that great about it.

So think about, you know, what is my communication style based on my assertive am I passive and aggressive? So, again, everything has its place in general. You want to be assertive and to be able to express what you're thinking, how you feel using I statements. And all of this goes back to respecting yourself and the others that you're working with and using your CBT tools. So if I need to discuss something with somebody, I need to figure out what am I thinking?

Are they have thoughts and thoughts that are 100 percent true if they are ready to balance them out?

And then I'm going to go talk to the person, because the clearer I feel at the time and understand what my thoughts are and my core issues, my values, how I see myself in the world, I'm going to be able to communicate way better and be able to really feel good about the experience.

So that's it for today. I hope it was helpful for you.

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And remember, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.