Episode #112

Barbie & CBT

The Barbie movie has shone a spotlight on vital issues that women everywhere face.

Women face unique pressures to look, sound, and be perfect, to fit in where society expects them to.

How can you use CBT tools to cope with and protect yourself from this pressure?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you some powerful ways you can use CBT to combat the perfection obsession in our cultures.

Click to listen now!

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, this is Dr. Julie. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognative Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to bring the power of CBT into your own life.

I hope you're all doing well and thanks for joining me. I'm going to start off by sharing a really nice email I received just this weekend from someone named Sarah, who's in Canada.

And she started off by saying,

“Hello there, Dr. Julie. Oh, thank you so much for your podcast! I just found it recently. It is amazing and thank you for doing it. I was just listening to the Core Belief episode, and you had mentioned you will be doing one on abandonment as well. I was wondering if you have done an episode, the focus is on that yet. Also would you be able to do a podcast on childhood, emotional neglect? Thank you so much for everything. I'm learning so much and using my Mind Over Mood book, and I'm going to use this as my therapy.

Thank you, Sarah”

She then responded to my response to her, and I wanted to share this as well.

She says,

“Thank you so much! I truly appreciate you taking my suggestions. I can't wait to hear those podcast episodes. I really think for those people in the world, especially for those who can't afford therapy or can't get it through their job or benefits, that just listening to your podcast is very beneficial for people's mental health and wellbeing. Thank you for taking the time to do these podcasts because I know you're truly helping thousands of people, including me. I've been telling everyone I meet about your podcast - FREE THERAPY! LOL. Yes, absolutely - you can read my email. Thank you so much for taking the time to write me back. I was so happy reading your email. Thanks again. I can't wait to listen to more of your knowledge, experience, and insights.

Take care, Sarah.”

So again, thanks, Sarah, for letting me share. Thanks for taking the time to reach out to me and for your suggestions. As I tell you guys, I'd love to hear from you. I read my emails. I'm always looking for suggestions. I want to be able to share things that are pertinent to you and make a difference. I incorporate CBT tools so we can all be doing better.

All right, so today's podcast, I want to call CBT & Barbie. Yes, I'm talking about the Barbie movie. If you haven't seen it, I won't give you any spoilers. I'm going to share a really important monolog that just had me mesmerized as I watched the movie. When I first got my tickets, I was excited. I really didn't know about it. I didn't read about it, but I just knew it's sold or it's made over $400 million. When I'm doing this podcast now, you guys probably won't hear this for a couple of weeks out, but it's going to be making even more. And I can understand why. It's so spot on and the writing is so perfect, not just for women, a lot for women. But as you see the movie, it's about all of us just as human beings. And I was sitting there thinking, oh, my God, there's so much I want to share with you guys and how CBT plays a role in what's going on in the movie and how you can use those tools. And if I had a chance to talk to Barbie, I'd be telling her the same thing as she starts to find her new world, as you will see in the movie.

So I will not do as well as America Ferreira, who plays a mom in the movie, to this monolog. But I'm going to share with you, because it's the base point I want to get started with talking about how CBT is all about what they said and how it relates to all of us, not just women, especially women, but I think all of us can relate to this a little bit. So here it goes. It is literally impossible to be a woman. You're beautiful and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. We have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong. You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say that you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to want to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time.

You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane. But if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful, but never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that, but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It is too hard. It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you. And it turns out, in fact, that not only are you your fault. I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of them, I don't even know. So that was the monolog that I was taken back by because I was like, wow, it was spot on.

And he covered so many things, so many things. So I might be jumping around. So excuse me, because I got lots of those 80, 90,000 thoughts with all of the day is going through my head right now and things I want to talk about for you guys to see that the message she was giving is all the mixed messages we get starting in our childhood and growing up through life. I mean, starting off in our child, you just think about getting a Barbie, right? So it was created, I guess, to be, quote, perfect. But for who? Not everybody sees Barbie as beautiful. She doesn't look like everybody. That's confusing when you're growing up. And I can never actually look like her. So what does that mean? Somebody recently shared with me that her measurements, if they were like in a real person, her chest would be 42, her waist would be 18. I don't even know what her hips would be, but just those two, I started laughing going, Who do you even want that? And who's going to get there? Right? So it's all of these mixed messages. Somebody might not say as a little girl like, oh, you need to look like Barbie, but I'm giving you this.

And we're all seeing how beautiful and how fun and dressing up. And I understand all the play part of it, but it really is these messages that we're giving. Right? And part of the Barbie movie is that she lives in Barbieland and everything's perfect. And then the movie shows you that she has to leave Barbieland. And one of my thoughts I had about that was most of us, I believe, and I've met many clients that have shared this with me too, that when you grow up in your home and let's say, very dysfunctional, let's say, there's alcoholism, drug addiction, there's abuse, there's just a lot of chaos, uncertainty that when we're young, we just think this is everybody's home. Everybody drinks like this. Everybody's mom gets hit. Everybody's screaming at each other. Whatever's going on that you're struggling with, we don't understand like this isn't normal. Until we go out into the world or maybe we go to a friend's house and we're just like, oh, they get along. Nobody's drinking. No one's getting drunk. Nobody's swearing in the house at each other. And that was something that stuck out to me in the movie that until Barbie left, what they call Barbie Land, that was just what was normal to her.

So she was so confused when she really had to live the real world and how people are disrespectful or not kind or rude. A lot of sexism they show in the movie, right? Between women and men. So it's one thing to remember whatever you're struggling with and think about, if it started in my childhood, what did I think was normal? I know I've shared in other podcasts that we all find ways to cope growing up that works for whatever dysfunction is going on. For me, I know my issues of abandonment was really not to deal with it, and it just go on with life and everything was okay. And at some point in my late teens, that didn't work for me anymore. And I had to start dealing with life and not feeling good enough and feeling abandoned by people. And I was like, oh, what's this? Me ignoring it isn't working anymore. I have to deal with this because otherwise I'm going to continue to make bad choices. And that's what happens, is that we find ways to cope. And then maybe while we're still in the house or when we leave our home, we continue to go into the world and use those same coping skills when our environment is different.

We're hopefully getting into a better environment. Or we go to a friend's house and things are just different there, and it's not okay. And we're like, oh, I don't know how to do this because this is all I know. And I thought this is all there was. So I'm not sure really what to do. Right? So think about that. That's one aspect I want you to think about today. Am I still using coping skills like I live in my parents' house because I don't live in my parents' house, right? If you're an adult listening, and that relates to your life, that I don't need to maybe do little white lies anymore. I don't have to cover up for other people. I don't have to pretend everything's okay. So that's something that comes up a lot in relationships, like you treat your partner like you were treated or how you handle things growing up in a very dysfunctional home. But the relationship you're in isn't that dysfunctional and it's not going to work. So that's one thing to think about. So that's the beginning of this movie of like, what is the world? This is really confusing.

I don't understand, right? Another part of what I just shared in this monolog is all of the self-critical thoughts that we have on ourselves, for ourselves, tell ourselves, right? Like when she was saying like, Oh, I can't say I want to be thin. I'll say I want to be healthy, but I really want to be thin. But I can't really say I want to be thin because people are going to judge me. Or what if I don't want to be thin. I'm going to be judged too, right? A lot of people, which is excellent, are getting more comfortable and having positive body images, which is super important. But maybe my body image that I'm comfortable with doesn't fit the stereotype that I think is out there that's slammed on me every time I go on the Internet. So I have to find a way to get comfortable, not be self-critical and accept who I am and be okay with that and to support my friends and family and loved ones wherever they are and what's comfortable for them. I might be uncomfortable having extra weight on, but maybe my friend is totally fine and comfortable with that, that we're both okay, right?

Just because it's uncomfortable for me doesn't mean uncomfortable for them, not for me to judge anybody. So we have to be where we are and not keep telling ourselves what we think we're supposed to be based on what society is telling us. So that's another part to look at, the self-critical, which all comes from your thoughts, and also comes from your core beliefs. Remember, our core beliefs are beliefs that are subconscious. They're like the roots of the tree you can't see, and they're really absolute thoughts that I'm bound to be abandoned. I'm a failure, I'm weak. I'm not good enough, I'm not attractive. I'm inadequate. There's many, many, many. Those are the ones about yourself. You can also have core beliefs about the world and core beliefs about others. But just to make it easy for the moment, focusing on what are my negative core beliefs that I have about myself. And a really common one is, I'm not good enough. And in this monolog, it's like that's the message we're giving. If you're not this way, you're not good enough. And I'm spinning wheels to be this way. But then when I'm this way, now I'm crashed.

I'm not supposed to be too good. I'm not supposed to be too pretty because somebody else might notice me, and then that's not nice. That's why it's an incredible, incredible monolog. I have printed it out and posted it on my wall because it was, again, just so spot on for everything that we all go through in life. And the movie again, I'm not going to give any spoilers, but with the Ken character, hes he needs to find himself too. Like, what's my purpose in life? What do I love versus what I'm supposed to be? What my roles are? I don't really like my roles. I want to change them. And I need to give myself permission to do that. So with the cognitive behavioral therapy, is let's remember that our thoughts create our moods, which affects our behaviors and our physical reactions, and then our environment is a huge factor as well. So what are my core beliefs? What do I tell myself that I'm not even aware of? And so when you have these core beliefs, which I was saying are the roots of the tree you can't see, think of the trunk as the assumptions, right?

If they really knew me, they wouldn't like me or I'm really not as good as you nobody thinks I am. And then all the leaves and the trees and the limbs are all of your thoughts. I need to be this way. I need to be that way. I'm not good enough. I'm not going to ever meet anybody. I'm not going to reach my goals. I'm not a good mom, not a good-dad, not a good dad, not a good friend. I don't make enough money. All the shoulds we tell ourselves. So that's all the hot thoughts that are going on. So when we can change our core belief, which was created by being in long term negative situations or if you had a traumatic event in your life, when I can change that core belief, all of those assumptions and those hot thoughts just disappear. So a lot of times we can do the thought records, which is the tool I teach you guys about identifying your thoughts and then figuring out which ones are hot and challenging them. That when we do enough thought records, a lot of times, by the time we start working on our core beliefs, we realize like, oh, I'm starting to change my core belief because I keep noticing that I keep having the same hot thought, the one that maybe I'm not good enough or I'm a failure or things aren't going to work out for me.

And once you start seeing the same ha thought, repeat itself, repeat itself, repeat itself, there's a good chance it's a core belief and then, bam, we can start working on that. Everything I share with you is in the Mind Over Mood book that I use, and it's in many other... It's in feeling good. It's just different, sometimes terminology, but in the Mind Over Mood, the Core Belief chapter on chapter 12 helps you identify what your core beliefs are and exercises are changing them. We want to first be able to say, okay, what is it that I'm struggling with? What are my issues? Why am I struggling with this? What are my fears? If you're going through a breakup, you might think, I'm never going to meet anybody again. I'm never going to love somebody the way I did. I love this person. I'm never going to be able to have the life that I want. There's so many scenarios I could not even share all of them with you, of course. So it's always about personalizing it to you. What's going on in my environment? What life situations have changed for me? What are my moods?

What are my physical reactions? What are my behaviors when I'm not happy at or I'm stressed out, I'm anxious. And then what are my thoughts that are connected to that? And then let's get busy with identifying the thoughts so we can make some changes. So it's important to know what's right for you. So again, in this monolog, there are a lot of good things that you want to strive for, right? If I want to be successful, if I want to be a boss, if I want to have money, if I want to look a certain way because that's what makes me feel good, supporting other women we talk about here in the monolog with sisterhood, take some time, I'm not here to overwhelm you, to think about what things are important to me in my life. What things do I need to still work on if I'm not there already so that I can have that happiness I'm looking for, that balance I'm looking for, so I can start feeling like I'm managing my symptoms versus my symptoms managing me. And sometimes it's, again, just not knowing that difference. I just thought this is how relationships work.

I thought parents put their kids first till they left the house at 18. So I don't really know how to communicate with my partner. I don't know really how to have fun. I don't know how to say no to my children because I want to work and give my marriage some time. Because this is what I saw. My parents made us first, so I don't know how to do that any differently. So there's something that you might want to change, right? Or my parents would stonewall each other when they fought, and they would just let it blow over and never address the issue. And all of a sudden, it was weird in my reality, but all of a sudden like, Oh, that's over with. We're all just moving on. What happened to that big blow up that I heard two nights ago? So okay, I guess that's what I do. I just don't address anything and I just move on. And then you're with someone and they're like, what the hell are you doing? Why are we talking about this? This doesn't work for me. And you're thinking, well, why not? That's what I saw.

So what is it in your life that you're realizing this doesn't work anymore? And maybe it's something I learned a long time ago and that maybe my parents were not the best role models when it came to having a healthy relationship or whatever else. Wherever I was, my neighborhood, wherever I grew up, that dysfunction affected me negatively. So that's a good place to start. Start figuring out what are my core beliefs, what are the negative core beliefs I have about myself that I really don't want to address because it's so painful, which it is. It's hard to find out that you actually think you're a failure or that you're not attractive or that you're not good enough. I don't want to deal with that. So I'm just going to have what I call these behavioral strategies that I'm just going to, like Barbie, be perfect, whatever that looks like. And if I'm perfect, then everything's going to work out, right? But if I'm trying to be perfect for everybody else and to look a certain way, then I'm not honoring myself. I'm not meeting my needs. And there's no way that you're going to be happy.

Maybe I have grief in my life from years ago that I've just really never addressed. A lot of families don't deal with grief, right? You could have a major loss in your family and nobody really dealt with it and nobody got you help. Why am I so pissed off all the time? Or why can I not deal with other people when they're sick and be there for them? I don't even know how to deal with the grief that I've been carrying around forever. So I'm just trying to give you lots of ideas. And then going to our CBT tools, it's all about the tools, is what are my thoughts? What are my thoughts when I'm having a negative mood? That's the place to start, right? I'm feeling anxious. Why am I feeling anxious? My answer will be a thought. Is that a ha thought? A thought that's not a hundred % true? And if it is, then I need to balance it out. So if you listen to my podcast on core beliefs, I share more in-depth about my story. But my core belief was that I thought I was or believed I was bound to be abandoned, didn't know this until I got into therapy and had some bad relationships.

But I just created the end of my life because that's what I believed. So if your core belief is you're a failure, you may have a hard time being successful because you really don't believe you can. So when you keep having these patterns over and over again, you're like, Why do I keep picking the wrong people? Why do I keep not having success and things that I put my time into? Whatever that looks like, it's not just like I have bad luck. I need to look at me and say what false core beliefs, what negative core beliefs am I carrying around that are continuing to affect my life? And I deserve to feel happy and I deserve to feel better and I need to honor myself. And then those good things I've been working for will appear in my life. But it has to start with having that insight and saying, am I living a life that the rest of the world wants me to live? Am I looking a certain way that the rest of the world tells me I should look like? And if any of those things are true, what do I really want for myself if I was honest enough and vulnerable to say, I don't really want that.

I don't really want this. I'm okay with this. I have to work on having some acceptance about who I am, and that's okay. And I have to change these thoughts and stop being so self-critical that obviously is not bringing me happiness. So it is too hard, like she said. And there's so many contradictory messages, right? That were given throughout our lives by different people and society and the Internet. And when you walk into a store with the clothes look like and the sizes they have, there's just so many layers and so many layers. We all have our own story, and every story that we all have is just as important. So what is your story? And how would you like it to be different? How would you like to rewrite that? So instead of just saying, just go do it, because that's not going to work, right? That's positive thinking, I want you to use the tools that I teach you guys to get a foundation to start growing from there. And I'm telling you, when you can start by understanding your negative thoughts, understanding which thoughts are hot, getting to your core, things will just, like miraculously change for you, and you'll just be like, Oh, my goodness.

I didn't even know this was possible. And I am strong enough, and I am courageous enough, and I'm worth it, and I am good enough to live the life that I want to live and be whatever Barbie means to you. So I appreciate you listening to me go on and on. I just felt really passionate. I really encourage you to go to this movie. I really encourage you to take your daughters. If you have daughters, sisters, your moms, take your kids, too, because it's good for guys to see this movie as well. Really gives you a different perspective, I think, about things. And it's just really important that we start understanding how the world affects us, your environment. I tell everybody, it's one of the five elements of CBT, and sometimes it's the most important one, because our environment can be the biggest problem, and we have to recognize that so we can make some changes. I hope you found this helpful. I hope you're feeling a little excited to get things rolling and make some changes and maybe go to the movies. I believe that you're worth it, and I believe that you're strong enough, and I know that you're courageous to make the changes and the changes you probably have already made.

And you need to see the strength within yourself to be able to get there. So as always, you want to make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.

You guys know how you can find me on my website at mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com. Also, if you haven't been there in a while, go take a peek. My wonderful manager, Luci, has updated it and added some really nice information and resources for you.

You can also find me on Instagram, at My CBT Podcast, and on Facebook at Dr. Julie Osborn.

So keep sharing your thoughts, your concerns, your questions. I love hearing your feedback. Please pass this on to others.

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And please take care of yourself and honor yourself.

And once again, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.