Episode #82 

Help For Cancer Caregivers

Seeing a loved one suffer is hard.

If you are a caregiver for someone with cancer, how can you take care of yourself so you can take care of them?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you specific, practical ways you can use the power of CBT to cope while caring.

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, my name is Dr. Julie Osborn. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life. So in this podcast I'm going to answer your questions and share with you some practical ways to apply CBT principles so you can achieve a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in your life and your relationships.

So in this podcast I'm going to talk about a requested topic is for caregivers who are caring for people with cancer. Somebody thought I'd have some good insight with everything I went through last year, with my family helping me out. So I thought this could be really helpful because I know the focus is usually on the patient and not so much on the caregiver, which is just as important. So I'm going to talk about that in just a second. But first, I want to share an email somebody shared with me.

And as always, I really encourage you guys to send me emails, suggestions for topics, things that would be helpful for you.

So the email reads:

“Dear Doctor Osborn,

I collapsed into a very bad state two months ago. Anger and disappointment led to severe depression and generalized anxiety that had to go off of work for a month. I was really shocked at myself, so aggrieved with issues that are considered nothing compared to greater loss than many others are going through. I noted as me killing myself with my own anger and resentment. I ended up pretty myself more than anyone else has hurt me. I scrambled around trying to find counsel and found your voice on my CBT podcast. I've been playing your resentment and acceptance podcasts over and over again, even though what you said is so common sense wisdom. But I'm really stupid. Continually going back into the anger and resentment state that holds me back, making me miserable. Thank you for doing the podcast. I know I will need to keep hearing common sense advice until I wise up. Best regards.”

So first of all, thank you again for sending this to me, and I want to address a couple of the things that the listener added in her emails.

First and foremost, calling yourself ‘stupid’ is a hot thought because you're not stupid; you're very smart, you're working on yourself, you're using tools and wanting to get better. So right there shows a lot of courage and insight.

And I just want to talk about how it's normal to go three steps forward, two steps back. It's very common as we're working on ourselves. It's not going to be just straight line going forward, right, because things happen during our day or we start to address an issue we might have not even known it's going to trigger us. So there's lots of different reasons why we go backwards a little bit, but that is part of your recovery and you want to remember that. And I know I have another podcast not comparing yourself to others. That's something you don't want to do either. And she said that she was so agreed with issues that are considered nothing compared to the greater loss and many others are going through. You will always find someone that is doing worse off than you, and you'll always find someone doing better than you. But your issues are still your issues. So comparing yourself gets you nowhere because it doesn't take away your issues because you're realizing someone has it worse off than you.

It's good for us to be mindful of others and to be there for each other, especially those that are struggling even more. But you need to honor your issues so you can be healthy and happy. And that's what's most important as well. Everybody has their own issues to work on. So again, thank you for the email. I think a lot of people will find this helpful because I'm sure a lot of other people feel the same way as they're working on themselves and they think that they're not doing enough or they should get it by now or things like that. So again, keep sending me feedback and ideas and sharing because they can all help all of us to hear each other and where we're at. So as many of you may know from hearing my podcast earlier this year, last year in August, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.

Really got the run pulled out from under my feet.

It happened very, very fast.

I had to have major surgery, three rounds of chemo.

And today I'm doing really well, thank God. But it was really tough, not just on me, but on my family and my loved ones, as you can imagine. And I know there are so many people, sadly enough, going through many different medical issues, especially with cancer. It's not just, you know, you have the surgery, then you have the chemo, you have the other treatment, you have the healing ahead of you. And it can be really hard and really difficult. So I thought I wanted to share. For those of you out there that are caregivers or wanting to even support caregivers, these are some things to think about that can be really helpful because we just really don't know what to do. And I think the first part that can be really difficult is just seeing the person you care for being sick. Right. I know I interviewed my family members that took care of me and they.

Were saying it was really hard to.

See me in that place because normally I'm a really strong person. I'm pretty busy. I take care of things. I'm very focus oriented. And I couldn't do anything, especially after my surgery. I mean, I was really helpless. I couldn't really do anything. It was difficult for me to walk because I had a pinched nerve for my surgery and just many issues. So first you have to kind of take that in and seeing the person you care about being sick and seeing what they're going through. And that's why it's really important for you as a caregiver to be able to have people you can talk to, because it's not that this is something you're going to share with the person who's going through treatment, saying you can share with them. It's difficult to see you like this, but you really want to have that conversation with someone else and give you support because the person going through treatment is going through so much as well. And you don't want them to take that in and feel bad that you're helping them. Right. I mean, again, these are all these hotspots people are going to be having when they're going through treatment and also as a caregiver.

So it's really important to have your own support group set up as well. Something else that was really interesting that my daughter shared with me, who helped me out a lottery after surgery, was knowing your own boundaries and asking for help. There was something she was comfortable doing and some things my husband would do for me. So don't feel like you have to do all of it. Some things are really difficult, especially if it's your parents or someone you're close to. So that's where you can ask other people's, close ones to step in that are comfortable and kind of share the responsibilities. But I'm comfortable with this. I'm not comfortable with that. And that's okay. You don't have to be comfortable with doing everything when you're caring for somebody who can't do much for themselves. Sometimes you might even hire people to come in. Right. To do the showers and things like that. If that's something that you're not comfortable with, you don't feel like you're going to do well, it's okay. It's not about you being Superman or Superwoman taking care of somebody who's sick because you have so many of your own feelings going on and concerns.

Right. You also want to ask for breaks. Meaning I know I shared, I think, in one of my podcasts, but when this all started, before I had my first chemo, I remember talking to my husband and saying, you really need to take care of yourself. He really loves surfing. He loves working out. I said, you're going to have to find other people to help us out, which he did so he could go to the gym or go down to the beach and for him to rejuvenate himself. And for my daughter, that was they were the ones that we heard the most at the beginning. So for them to be able to go take a run, take a bike ride, maybe meet up with a friend, so you have to ask for breaks. You really have to have good communication with your support. I talked to some people that are the only caregiver for their partner or maybe their parent. And I always encourage them to go to find if it's even hiring somebody, you have to find someone else. You can't do it all by yourself because you're going to end up getting sick as well.

That's really important. So think about if you're in this position, you know, who's going to be my circle? Who can I reach out to? There are times that they have places they had to go to, and I had a couple of friends that would just come and sit with me because at the beginning I couldn't be left alone. So things that they didn't have to do much just kind of stay with me and talk with me. But just somebody was here. So when my husband and my daughter were gone, they felt comfortable that they knew I wasn't alone. So you want to continue to do the things that give you joy and your interests don't make the sick person I'm just going to call it the person, the sick person. The only thing you do whatever you like to do reading books, like I said, working out, taking walks, whatever your hobbies are, find some time for that so you can have some balance. You don't want to neglect the other parts of your life because you're still living. It's also important for you to be positive for the person that's sick, the person that's sick.

Like me. I have moments of just crying and being sad and being worried. You don't know how you're going to recover if you're going to heal. Okay. I didn't know how each chemotherapy would be. So you want to be positive and share your worries with other people. They can hear them and just be there for you. You also really want to be patient. So I laugh now. But I asked my husband if he agreed that something positive to share with you guys is do not take things personal. And he said, yes, I do. So I had moments, I know, especially at the beginning, especially with my first chemo, which was very difficult, or I was just not the nicest person. And I might have been sure with him or I was impatient and he would just stand there and not say anything and just kind of breathe probably, and just give me a moment to do what I needed to do. Remembering not personalizing it. This isn't really how I feel. And I'm just reacting off of my fear, my stress that I was going through. So that's really, really important not to take things personal from the sick person.

You also want to have good self care, whatever that means to you, which is getting enough sleep, make sure you're eating right and doing the things that rejuvenate you, as I was saying earlier. But sleep and making sure you get some food in you is super important as well. One thing my daughter did was just kind of made some fun food treats. When I was able to eat, she would get creative and make different things. So it was just kind of a little fun. We talk about this or that, or she brings something home new. It was a nice little distraction also to understand that the person who's sick might be scared. Right. And that's why they may be short with you. And again, not to take things personal, but the sick person might not even be sharing all of their thoughts with you. Right. Because they don't want to stress you out. And sometimes they may not want to even say it out loud because it's just so scary to think about. There's so much uncertainty when you're going through cancer and praying that it's not going to come back or they got it all or that the chemo is going to work or you're going to get through the chemo.

Okay. How's your body going to react to it? I know I'm not even thinking of everything, but there's a lot of fear. So if you can remember that the person most likely is feeling scared or uncertain and overwhelmed again, that's why not taking things personal is important, but being mindful of that and supporting them in that way. I was very stressed with my husband not knowing the outcome of the cancer. At first with my pathology, they thought I was stage three or four. I ended up being stage one, thank goodness. But just not knowing the outcome and just waiting. And I know he didn't really share that much with me regarding his thoughts because he didn't want to stress me out. You know, it's like I'm trying to be positive. He's trying to be positive. We're both scared. So not knowing is also as a caregiver, I know very scary as well, and being aware of that. So sharing feelings with others, whoever your support system is, can go a long way. Just knowing that people that I can talk to put out my fears and that they're just going to be there to support me and hold me up something else as a caregiver other than being uncertain of the outcome, is feeling sadness and grief.

Just how much your life has changed and the uncertainty of how is that person going to be? Are we going to get back to, quote, normalcy, but honoring that? I am feeling sad and I have grief because there's some loss right now that our life has just been turned upside down when we didn't see it coming at all. So that's important to recognize for yourself, because the one that you love with their illness, they're feeling overwhelmed. They're frustrated as they try to manage many difficult problems also. And so are you. So like I said, there's a lot going on. There's a lot going on. And it's not just about the sick person. The more you can take care of yourself and have support and remember not taking things personal and try to have a little bit of fun. Sometimes those things are important to help you be able to manage what's going on with your life, too. Right, because you're affected greatly as well. So I think writing in a Journal can be a helpful tool. Just getting your feelings out and your thoughts.

Learning more about cancer if you're like.

I don't know, I don't know. You want to be mindful not to do too much research. I'm always cautious with people about getting on the Internet too much. And I didn't even get on the Internet too much because I didn't want to freak myself out. But I learned what I needed to learn. I learned most of the stuff through my doctor get the answers from him, and I talked to some other people that already gone through it. But as the caregiver maybe learning more about the type of cancer your loved one has that might give you some more clarity so you don't have so many questions and having so many questions feed into your fear and your sadness. And maybe it'll help you feel a little more sense of control if you understand what's going on and what it looks like. And it is important to look for the positive things. Every time I had a chemo done, it was one done and then I would rebound after about a week. And then another thing that you can do that can be helpful is plan to have some fun with the person that's sick. It might be day to day, but based on how they're feeling, but still plan.

Like, hey, after I saw my doctor, we were by the beach and we would ride down there and we would take just a short walk to get some fresh air before we came back home. Sometimes we just took a ride in the car if I wasn't able to walk very well or not feeling that good watching a fun movie together. So just plan for some fun things as well. So it's not all just the stress. And like I said, you're going to learn how the person you're caring for, what they can do, what their limits are, what their limitations are, and kind of plan for that. So it's not always just like, oh, just rest. It's good for the person who's sick if they can, to get out, even to sit outside. If you have a nice backyard where you can sit and have a meal, just getting out of the house. So it's just these little things and ideas are coming to me as I'm talking to you right now. But you want to be flexible regarding what you can do with the person that's sick. But it's also nice to plan so that you have something to look forward to.

You want to laugh together, be careful what you're watching. I joke about it now. Cancer is everywhere. And I remember watching a movie that looked very light hearted and the main character ended up having the same cancer as me. And I'm just like, oh my gosh, you've got to be kidding me. It's hard to get away from. So be mindful, try to watch some things, read about them before you put them on. But watching a little movie or TV show that just makes you laugh and allows both of you guys to forget what's going on. You want to do what you can for yourself, and you want to admit to yourself and be honest with yourself what you can't do, right? And it's all good. Whatever you're doing is enough. You want to also use some stress management techniques. Learning how to do some relaxation. Breathing is always good. Just stretching your body is good. Maybe listening to music, relaxation, some guided meditation. So whatever things you can find for yourself to relieve your stress, incorporate those into your time when you have your breaks. Or maybe the person that you're taking care of is having a nap.

Whatever it is that you know again brings you some stress relief. You know, don't always be like, I got a clean, I got to do the dishes, I got to Cook. Take some time. Also for yourself, it doesn't have to be hours. If it's just 2030 minutes, that's going to help kind of rejuvenate or when the person you're caring for sleeping. If you're tired, you should take a nap as well. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. So it's not always doing and taking care of things, but also doing and taking care of yourself is really important. Also, take comfort from others so don't feel like you're being a burden. If you're calling someone saying, I just need to talk about what's going on or I'm concerned or I'm feeling overwhelmed, people want to be there for you. I learned that for sure, people want to help, just like for yourself, right? That if someone is in need, you feel good helping, because a lot of times we feel so powerless or helpless. I don't know what to do for the person that's sick and I want to help. So don't have that double standard.

Like, yeah, I want to help others, but others don't want to help me. That's not true. So reaching out and just saying, I need to talk, or will you take a walk with me or whatever that looks like your friends and your family will be happy you reached out because it'll make them feel useful. So take comfort in that. Caregivers can be spouses, partners, family members, or close friends. So I'm talking to all of you, whoever you might be as a caregiver. And if you know a caregiver, reach out to them and say, hey, I'm here, can I bring a meal? Can I give you a break? Really push for the caregiver to take care of themselves as well. That's how you can be helpful to them. If you're wondering, what can I do to be there for them as a caregiver, you are a fundamental role in the patient's recovery. I know that I recovered as well as I did because of the support I got from my primary caregivers and from everybody else that was there for me that sent me cars, sent me text, drop off gifts, brought over food, share their stories.

Just check it in with me. Everyone had a role in my recovery. It wasn't just what I did. It was everybody. And feeling that support from my caregivers and my friends made a huge difference. And I know that my family felt that way with the support they got, that even though the burden was mostly on them, it just was good to know they had others that were there. It was good when they took a break and they took care of themselves so that they were well. And they didn't eventually get sick after I recovered, because that can happen for you as well. If you're a caregiver, if you're just going 100 miles an hour, once that person gets well a few months later, a lot of times people get physical symptoms and they can get sick. So it's important that you take care of yourself. So hopefully you don't some of the physical problems you might have while you're caring for the person, as I mentioned before, your sleep might get messed up, you might lose your appetite. You can obviously feel sadness, the grief, all the things I mentioned. So if you need to go find also a therapist, a professional to talk to, to help you through this and to give you some guidance and clarity and suggestions, please go do that for yourself as well.

That's another important thing. So I think the main message here is for you to not feel selfish asking for help because you're thinking, well, I'm not as bad as this. Look, with my partner or my spouse or my mom or my friends going through, oh, my God, they got cancer. They have to go through chemo. They're recovering from surgery. Yes, it's easy to say that's the main focus, but I really want to be here for my loved one. And I also have to make myself a priority, even if that feels uncomfortable. So where can I make time? What do I need so that I can be my best for the person that's sick? Because I do want to be that fundamental role in the recovery, and I want to make a difference and I want to feel good about what I'm doing, but also having that balance, that filling myself up with the things that help me, then I can be there for the sick person fully and have some Grace and self compassion that you're in this too. And you're going through a lot. There's a lot of emotions to address. So you want to, using your CBT tools, identify your hot thoughts that maybe I can't handle this.

I'm not good enough. The hot thoughts of worrying, if the person you're caring for is going to die, they're not going to recover. Well, like those are all hot thoughts, right? Because it's all the what if we don't know what the outcome is going to be, we just don't know. But what we can do is address those hot thoughts and challenge them so that it doesn't increase our stress and anxiety, which then makes everything harder and harder to be there for the person we care for. So I know some things might sound like, oh, that makes sense. That's common sense. But, you know, when we're in the mode and we're worried and stressed and sad and tired, we don't think about those little things. We're just kind of in that doing mode. Right. And we don't give ourselves permission to maybe take a nap or take a walk or make it a nice meal for making a nice meal going again, your favorite meal, whatever that is, we don't think about, okay, what should I do for me? We're like, what else can I do for the person that's sick? What else do they need?

Right? So what I'm saying is, yes, you're going to always be doing that, but also to give yourself permission to take care of yourself. So I know I'm focusing more on someone with cancer. But the things that I'm suggesting really across the board, if you're a caregiver, period, whatever the situation might be, you're obviously a loving, caring person that wants to be there for somebody else, which is a lot about who you are. Right. And all of your worries and concerns show how much you care and you love the person. So just have a little bit of a balance and even maybe share and communicate with the person that's sick. Like, you know, I'm going to have someone else come in and sit with you. I need to go do something for myself so I can be here for you. Right? Or hey, I'm going to go take a nap while you're watching this TV show so I can get a little bit of rest. So communicate. And I think most likely the person who's sick, hopefully we'll support that and be like, please go do that. Please go do that. So again, these are just some different ideas.

If you guys have some other suggestions, ideas you want me to share things maybe you've done as a caregiver that were really helpful that I missed. Please share that. But using your CBT tools, right? I use them every single day, especially when I was sick. I helped my family remember to use them address with their how thoughts were ways for them to take care of themselves. Use your tools. Your tools will get you through whatever you're dealing with. So I hope this was helpful. I'm sending good energy and prayers and support for all of you that are going through health issues and for all of your caregivers that we couldn't make it without you. And you're going to be okay. And you're going to get through this and definitely get the help and the support that you need so remember all the tools I talk about you can learn with the mind over mood book. When you scroll through my podcast you will see a picture of it you can click on there if you want to order it and that's where you can read through and learn the CBT tools and ask me any questions along the way.

So I hope this was helpful for whoever's listening. Definitely share if you know people that are caregivers that you think this would be a helpful podcast.

If you have any questions you'd love me to answer you can always email me at mycbtpodcast@gmail.com.

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My website is mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com. There's lots of great tools on there, there's some videos, there's some newsletters so keep listening!

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Thanks again for joining me. Stay safe.

And remember: make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.