Episode #154

Being Too Nice & CBT

Isn’t it a good thing to be nice?

Is there a point where ‘being too nice’ can become toxic or problematic?

How can you use CBT tools to find and respect your boundaries?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you how to empower yourself with CBT tools to create and maintain self-respect and boundaries.

Click to listen now!

 
 

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, it's Dr. Julie. Welcome to My CBT Podcast. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So thanks for being with me today. I wanted to start off with a really great email I received from a listener that I thought was a really good topic for us to discuss before I get in today's podcast.

So it says,

“Hi, Dr. Julie.

“I recently came upon your podcast, and I have to admit that in the few short episodes I listened to, really resonated with me. I I've always had mental health issues, and I've never done much about it in my adulthood. When I was younger, my mother forced me into therapy and medicine because she caught me cutting. In adulthood, I realized I had control over my life, and since then, I have built some resentment towards therapy. However, after listening to your podcast as a last resort, I realized that maybe it's the therapist, capitalized, themselves that didn't mesh with my personality, or maybe I didn't feel comfortable with them as a child. I know you're based in the US, so I was wondering if you would be able to help me find some really good Canadian resources, therapists, therapies.

“I know you mentioned on your podcast that you're always willing to help. I was just curious if that extended past the borders. Ha ha. Please let me know, and thank you for so much already.

“Regards, Mariana.”

So thanks, Mariana, and I got her permission to share this with you. And I thought it was a good one to share because it really is important that you mesh with your therapist. And I can understand as a kid, if you were forced into therapy or had to take medicine and you really didn't want to, it totally makes sense that you could have resentment. And the thought of going to therapy makes your stomach turn, right? And you're like, I don't want to put myself there before. I didn't feel like I had control. But okay, now I'm adult, what's going to be best for me? I didn't get to choose a therapist. I didn't really get to choose anything if I didn't want to be there. So how can I do things differently now? I can tell I see teens 15 years and up, just a handful. I mostly see adults. But when teenagers do come in, I always ask them if they want to be there.

Because if you don't want to be there, you're really not going to get much out of therapy. And it's important that there's some motivation. It's important to collaborate with their parents and have everybody on the same page. Taking medicine is a big deal, and you want somebody to be opening and wanting that help. So I can understand if it wasn't your choice that It's not going to be something that you're probably going to want to pursue. But if you do now as an adult, as she does, obviously, I answered and I gave her my referral I give everybody, which is feelinggoodinstitute. Com. You can find a trained, what they call Team CBT therapist literally all over the world. So I couldn't work with her because she's in another country and I'm not licensed, but she can find people that are licensed in Canada for sure. And I just want you guys to be mindful that if you're not feeling connected with the therapist for whatever reason, to go shop around, interview some therapist. You don't have to go with the first person you meet just because they're a professional It doesn't mean they're going to be a good fit for you.

When people ask me a referral, if I'm not going to see them, I first say, Do they want a male? Do they want a female? Kind of get an idea of what they're looking for. So think about that. And again, if you're not sure, you can meet with a couple of different therapists and see what feels comfortable for you. But it's like when you go see a doctor, you just assume, Oh, they know what they're talking about because they're a doctor. But that's not always true. How are their bedside manners? That's a really big issue for me. If I'm not comfortable with my doctor and I don't feel like good bedside manners, whatever that means to me, I'll go look for somebody else, and it's just a feeling I get when I meet a doctor. So listen to your intuition. Part of CBT is your environment, which is also therapy. When you're seeing your therapist, that's an environment right there, and you want to feel that you can trust them and you can be open and that they're interested in you and they're curious, and they give you tools and homework, if you're doing CBT, all that good stuff.

So it was a great question. I'm hoping if you're listening in my podcast, you're open to self-help. I'm assuming you are. And if the podcast gets you interested in thinking, Yeah, I would like to have somebody where I could just have some one-on-one time with, maybe that would be the next step for you. But again, be mindful and take a little time to research and find the right therapist for you. That's really important, and listen to your gut. So please keep sending your emails. I love reading them. I respond to them. And of course, I will share the ones that I really feel that are beneficial for you guys to hear as well. So it's a good aspect, not aspect, It's a good question to ask and think about regarding, Oh, is this a good fit for me? And maybe that's why the therapy didn't work because I just stuck with it, even though I really didn't share everything because I didn't even feel comfortable. So that's not going to serve you. And you want to serve yourself, you want to honor yourself when you're going for help. So today, I wanted to talk about being too nice.

I mentioned this a little bit in my last podcast on dating and CBT, that you don't want to be too nice. And what does that even mean, right? Because it seems like a really nice thing to do is being nice, which it is, but not to a fault. And so I thought, there's a lot of good stuff to talk about regarding what does that even mean. And I thought of when I was doing some research and thinking about what I wanted to address with you guys, is something we've always heard, most of us as children, that our parents said, If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And we all understand what that means, but there also is those shades of gray I talk about, right? That's like that all or nothing. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. That's not true because we still need to communicate and get our needs met and have healthy boundaries. So sometimes we do need to say something, but it's not all about just being nice, but it's how we communicate that. And again, what our boundaries are for ourselves.

So I also want to share that the nicest people you will meet tend to be people with anxiety. So if you're someone that struggles with anxiety, ask yourself, Am I one of those nice people? Because nice people many times want to avoid conflict, and people with anxiety avoid conflict. That is their fear. That is what they resist. I just want to keep things easy. I'll just be nice. I'll just go along. So if you think, Yeah, maybe I'm being too nice. Is it because I'm anxious? And if you have somebody in your life that just is overly nice and you can get wrapped up and, Oh, they're so nice, and it's so easy to be around them. But, Oh, maybe that's really coming from a negative place. Are they anxious? And if you're close enough with them that you can say, Are you being nice just to avoid conflict? Because I want to have a better relationship with you. And it is possible to be too nice. Some people even say niceness can correspond personality trait of just being really agreeable, and you don't really allow yourself to really share what you're thinking and be the best version of you.

Because you're chronically agreeing with other people, and that doesn't really serve you or the other person. That's something to keep in mind, that you think you're doing something that's good for everybody, but actually it isn't. So again, ask yourself if you're being overly nice. You're just sugarcoating, wanting to make things easy, as I said earlier, avoiding conflict, not wanting to hurt someone's feelings. So and like, well, sugarcoat the truth. And this really gets in the way and can make good communication unclear. So then people have these misunderstandings and important issues that you really want to address, don't ever get resolved because you're not getting to the problem. So when you can take responsibility for how you feel about things and communicating well, take responsibility for yourself, but letting other people take responsibility for themselves as well, it's really important to being able to effectively share what you need to share and just having healthy relationships with people. If you want to just soften the blow, as they say, when you need to share something with someone. People give mixed messages or they're not really clear, they can feel confused. And I guess when I'm in a relationship with someone, part of my expectations is that they're going to share with me how they feel.

If there's a conflict I want to resolve, it just don't say, Oh, it's okay, or don't address it because that's not fair to me either. So I know it's coming probably from a good place that you might not want to hurt my feelings, but to really have an authentic relationship, I need you to trust me enough that even if my feelings do get hurt, we can talk through that once I can share, what are my thoughts that are making me feel hurt? What are your thoughts that are keeping you from sharing with me, using your thought records, using the CBT tools I talk about all the time, to really have better communication and to see that, Oh, it's not that I have to focus on, Oh, I just have to be nice. It's that, How can I build this relationship in this is actually an opportunity to make things better, and that being nice isn't really going to work. Again, just talking about why do people tend to be nice. I mentioned sugar coating things. There's a fear of conflict. There's a desire to please. Some people have a really strong desire to be liked and accepted, and they'll do anything and even compromise sometimes their values, which isn't okay either.

I don't want you guys doing that. And there's so many downsizes, as I was saying earlier, that people misunderstand when there's layers of avoiding and trying to be place and trying to go along with the flow. Your true intentions can just get lost in what you're really trying to communicate. And people can get really frustrated and just pull away from you, really, because they can't get a straight answer from you. If you're really a healthy person, you're not looking for someone that's just nice all the time because you're going to know that they're not being authentic. Another downside is just don't resolve your issues. If you're always making everything okay, you're not going to get to the important issues and address them within the relationship. And then the other person doesn't even know they're an issue, and you just end up getting frustrated. You can end up building resentment over time because there's no clarity in what the real issues are. And then you end up not feeling heard or understood, but that's because you're not really sharing. So I'm just giving you some bullet points of things to think about. What's the So I say, Do I feel resentful?

Am I frustrated? Am I blaming the other person that I can't really speak my mind when you really have to take responsibility that you're not speaking your mind? And what does that look like? I know I'm talking a lot about relationships, but I want to talk a little bit about your workplace, too, that there's a lot of research on this, and it says that when somebody is highly agreeable at work, that they don't receive the respect or admiration that they're looking for from others. And then this can leave you looking like just a doormat, and other people won't see that as being able to be in a leadership role. So if you're like, Oh, I'm just kissing the butt of my boss hoping I'm going to get that raise, hoping I'm going to get that new position, maybe they're actually looking and saying they don't really have that leadership role because they're always just going along. Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, instead of you sharing your opinion. So that's another way it can backfire, too. In the workplace, if you're not getting to where you want to be, that's something just to look at.

Am I afraid to give my input because they won't like it or there's going to be conflict? What's going on in that environment as well? It can affect all your environments, obviously, if you're being too nice and not really being honest and authentic. It's going to get in the way of you your goals. And to be honest, you could really be exploited in social situations if you're just being nice and going along. Sometimes when people see that, especially at work, they just end up taking advantage. Oh, give it to Julie. She'll do the work. Oh, she'll stay later. Oh, she doesn't care if she has to work over the weekend because you're always just saying, Yeah, sure, sure, sure. And you can be taken advantage of. I've seen that, where people are just going overboard and not having boundaries. And then people start assuming they'll just do it, and then they end up feeling resentful, but they have to look at themselves and say, How did this all start? So whenever you go into a relationship, a new work environment, it's important to start off saying, How do I want to show myself? What boundaries will I have for myself?

How do I want to speak my views and contribute instead of just going down the nice road and thinking that's going to create the environment you want and help you reach your goals when it really is going to just backfire. A couple of things to think out with being too nice and why it's a problem, because it, again, leads to negative consequences for yourself and other people. You might also suppress your own needs. Being overly nice can make you prioritize others at your own expense. And again, you're going to feel burned out, frustrated, resentful. So you end up, which I say a lot to my clients, you end up creating what you fear the most. So my fear is losing the relationship, having conflict, feeling resentful. But that's what I'm going to end up creating by being nice all the time because I'm not going to get my needs met. I'm suppressing my needs. I hope that makes sense to you guys. We create what we fear the most. Whatever that fear is, we end up creating it because we're not addressing it the right way, and it comes up and actually ends up being a negative, which is frustrating.

Then people get depressed. It's like, Oh, my God, I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was being nice. Why didn't anything work This is stuff to really look at if this is something that you tell yourself. Also, when you're too nice, you end up not having good boundaries. So saying yes to everything can leave you feeling overwhelmed and stressed. And as I said earlier, without those firm boundaries, people won't respect your time, your energy, your values, because they don't even think it's important to you because you don't have those boundaries to speak up and communicate with other people. So it's interesting to think about that if I have healthy boundaries, that doesn't just benefit me, but other people respect that as well. Another thing to think about is it could definitely attract the wrong people. So some people seek out others that won't push back or stand up for themselves. And then you end up in these toxic relationships with manipulative individuals. So that's what I was attuning to regarding your work environment, is people will take advantage when you just say yes all the time to do the extra work, to work the long hours, to do things for them that they really should be doing for themselves.

You want to say, How did I end up in this toxic relationship that this person is taking advantage of me or I'm actually allowing it because I'm just thinking being nice is the way to go, but it really isn't. Another issue that may come up is that you won't be taken seriously. If you're always agreeing with everything, people will actually see you as weak or lacking confidence. You might struggle to assert yourself in leadership roles or serious discussions because people won't take you serious because they're not seeing or hearing What do you think about things, what are your ideas? That you can be creative, that you can take leadership roles, or that you can make decisions within your relationship. Taking the high road, as they say, isn't always the best way to go. So you want to be taken seriously in your relationships and at work, in any other environment that might be an issue for you, that people listen to you. And it doesn't even mean they may agree with you, but they at least listen and say, Okay, that's an interesting point. Maybe we'll talk about that later at a work thing. Or in a relationship, hopefully your partner will be like, I didn't know that was an issue for you.

You didn't bring it up before. Or, I really didn't think you cared where we went on vacation or where we had lunch or dinner or the decisions we were making that you were just so laid back because that's how you always came across. I really feel bad not understanding that. I want to hear what you have to say. If you're in a relationship, to give your partner your friendships, relationships is friendship too, to give the friendship an opportunity to be real and authentic as well. And then bottling up your emotions can definitely backfire, right? So always putting on a happy face can cause you to suppress your negative emotions. And in CBT, I talk to you guys, we want to deal with all of your emotions. Your happy emotions, your negative emotions, right? Because we're about all of them. We're not just looking to have good emotions. We're looking to be all of ourselves, be authentic, feel everything we're feeling, walk through it. Yes, we want to get to better emotions. We don't want our negative ones to be so strong, but we're now looking to eliminate them. So suppressing them is going to backfire on you.

And this is where it leads to anxiety, again, resentment, and maybe even eventual emotional social outburst. Like when you say, I just had this meltdown, what happened? Most likely you weren't addressing the issue. You were avoiding it. You were, again, just being nice and going along when inside your stomach is turning. You're having headaches. You got muscle tension. You can't sleep good. Your appetite changes. All these things. They happen to us physically when we're anxious, but we're not dealing with It's going to show up in other ways. Panic attacks, right? Why am I all of a sudden afraid to drive on the freeway? Whatever that looks like, there's something underlying when we're not feeling well, and it's probably because we're avoiding something. And you also really want to, again, have honest communication. So being nice is going to, again, have you avoid difficult conversations or even hearing necessary criticism, right? Sometimes criticism, said correctly, can be necessary for you to share with somebody or for them to share with you. But you're not going to have that honest communication if you're not being honest with yourself and who you're with. And this can also prevent problems from being solved and then sometimes lead to passive aggressive behavior, which is not fun to deal with and it's not who you want to be.

So passive aggressive behavior is say a work, Oh, you do this extra work for Oh, sure. And then you don't actually do it. Or your partner says, Oh, can you go take care of this for me today? And you're always saying yes and you're frustrated. Oh, yeah, sure. I'll take care of that. Oh, I forgot to. Pick up your dry cleaning and you need your suit for your trip tomorrow. Sorry about that. That's that passive-aggressive. I'm going to go along, but how do I get back at the person? I don't actually do it, and that is really unhealthy. And people do it. So I want you to look at yourself and say, Is that a pattern that you have? Is that a pattern of someone you're with. Remember, my podcasts are about personal growth, learning the CBT tools, definitely looking at yourself. Are these some behaviors I have? Are these some physical reactions I'm experiencing my negative moods, although I also want you to look at the relationships and the environments that you're in and see if it's playing out also there. You feel like, say, in a relationship, you're saying, Okay, where do you want to go to dinner?

And the person is always like, Oh, you pick, you pick, you pick. And then at first you're like, Okay, whatever. That's fine. And after a while, you get frustrated like, No, I'm asking. I want your input. I want you to make a decision. Where do you want to go? Is the person you're with a nice person. And that's a conversation to have, to let them know that they don't need to be nice all the time. You want them to be kind and considerate, but not this nice that You just go along. I'm not getting anything from this relationship. I don't feel connected to you. I don't want to make every decision. I want your input. This is a relationship. If I want to be single, I can be single and make my own decisions. I want to have a partner that has some input because that can make a really big difference and help us both be happier in this relationship together. Remember, when you're doing a thought record, we end up with balanced or alternative thoughts. I say that because regarding this whole being too nice, So balance is the key. So being kind and compassionate is a strength.

And although it's important to pair the kindness with being assertive and self-respect, right? That's the balance. All as well as setting boundaries, speaking up for yourself, recognizing when to say no, will help you maintain the healthy relationships in your life and your own well-being. Right? So I'm going to say it one more time. Balance This is the key. Being kind and compassionate is a strength, but it's also important to pair your kindness with being assertive and having self-respect. Honoring yourself. Always ask yourself, Am I honoring myself right now? Also, setting the boundaries, speaking up for yourself, and recognizing when to say no will help you maintain healthy relationships and well-being. So if you think it's been working for you, I'm sorry to let you know, it really isn't, And I know... I don't want you to get the lines blurred. So that's why I was talking about being compassionate, being kind, right? And having boundaries. All of these things together is what's best for you as well as the people in your life. Again, going back to the first thing I said, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. That's what our parents taught us.

Be nice, be nice, be nice. We heard that all the time. So it's like, Oh, if I'm nice, that means I'm a good person. If I'm nice, then I'm doing the right thing. If I'm nice, I won't get in trouble. Conflict isn't okay was the underlying message. I don't know if that was your intent, or not yours, your parents' intent, but it's what we're taught. And so some of us say, Okay, I can be nice, but I also need to speak up for myself. And some people just go along and say, Okay, I'll just be nice. My parents, I could see they avoid a conflict. I guess that's what I'll do. That's all I know. And then you get out into the real world outside of your parents' home and you're like, This doesn't really feel good. Why am I being taken advantage of? Why do I resent all these people when I think I'm being nice and doing the right thing? Oh, maybe I'm really not doing what's best for me. Maybe I'm not really honoring myself. I need to find that balance. And doing your Maybe using your CBT tools and doing your thought records can really help you clarify this.

So using a situation where you feel you're taking advantage of, for example, you're feeling resentful, and figuring out what are my moods and what are my thoughts. They should appreciate to shave me. They shouldn't call it prompts because I'm always nice. A lot of should statements there. Cognitive distortion, blaming others for things that happen because you think you're so nice. Another cognitive distortion. There's a lot of things going on here when the behavior is nice. That's the behavior within the CBT tools. I'm thinking, if I go along, everything will be okay because my mood is there's some anxiety there. Then the behavior, I'll just be nice and say, Okay, that's my behavior going along, going along. And then my physical reactions are maybe I'm having headaches. Why do I have migraines I can't get rid of? Why is my stomach always hurt? I can't seem to get rid of this back pain. Let me stop and say, What is going on? What am I doing that's causing my life not to go the way I wanted to? Maybe I'm being too nice. That's a real thing. That's a real thing. So we We want to teach our kids, of course, to be nice, maybe to use the word more be kind, but also have some healthy boundaries and let people know when they hurt your feelings, or let people know how you feel about things and what you're thinking.

That's how we want to raise our kids, to be able to be assertive so that they have that well-being and how to set boundaries. When you first start off with your thought record and you get some more balanced alternative thoughts, that's also a way of writing down some talking points maybe in advance. Like, what do I want to say? I role play with my clients. You can role play with a friend. You can look in the mirror and have the conversation as if the person is there. How do I want to approach the situation so that I'm able to allow my needs to be heard and to have a healthy conversation and be okay if there's a disagreement and I know that I can be clear, and I can always go back to my notes. I always tell people, too, if you're going to have a conversation, you could have notes in front of you. You don't have to be an actor, memorize your lines. You can have your notes and say, Okay, if I'm getting off track, I'm not staying focused, let me go back. Give me a minute, please. Let me go back and look at my notes because maybe I'm not saying this the way I want to.

Because you want to be clear, you want to be concise, so you can communicate effectively and make sure that the person hears you. So that's another thing you can ask for what they call mirroring, is to ask, once you share your needs, your concerns, your thoughts, ask whoever you're talking to, Can you tell me what you're hearing me say? Because I want to make sure that I'm being really clear. Of course, you always want to be empathetic and understand the other person's perspective. That always helps to have a good conversation, especially when it's difficult because it's so important. Pick a good environment where you won't be distracted, you won't be interrupted. It's always great. It's a great tool to up and ask somebody, Hey, is now a good time to talk, or can we set a time to talk? A lot of people just come up to you and start talking about a problem, or you do that, and the person's like, Hold on, I'm in the middle of something, or they can't completely focus. So really having some respect for others is saying, Hey, there's something I want to talk to you about is now a good time, or maybe when you're done with this task, when can we sit down and talk?

Oh, sure. Just give me a half an hour to finish this up and we can talk. So that's a great way to approach somebody, especially if you're feeling anxious. You're not just jumping into the conversation and hoping that it's going to go okay. So it's normal and loving and kind that you don't want to hurt people's feelings. So I'm not saying like, Oh, just go out there and hurt people's feelings. But again, being overly nice can definitely do more harm than good? And again, the goal is to be patient and have the balance within yourself to take the time. When I say patience, like love Let me work through my thought record. Let me get really clear with myself so that when I approach whoever I need to talk to, it's going to go well. I'll be a little anxious and nervous, probably, but I will be able to handle it and I'll be able to communicate. And I want to have more honest interactions with other people, decrease any misunderstandings that can happen, and really enhance the relationships I have, and maybe sometimes even have to walk away from some. Or having to set those boundaries.

There's lots of things that come from this that are really positive. I've covered a lot of stuff. I hope it's given you an opportunity to think about things. Am I being kind and considerate and setting boundaries within this relationship? Am I speaking my point of view. And you know what? If you've been a too nice person, you can definitely approach your partner and say, Hey, I'm taking responsibility. I realize this is my pattern that I'm just too nice, and I want to do things different, and I want to let you know that because you might be like, Oh, why is all of a sudden she's speaking up or saying something? We were in this really unhealthy dynamic, but it's what's just happened in the relationship. So it's because I want to be more of myself, be more authentic, be better in this relationship, and I want to let you know those are some changes I'm working on. So I think that's a really healthy thing to do, not just, boom, be different, and your partner is like, What's going on? This isn't how we function. And hopefully, your partner will be happy with those changes as well.

So ask yourself, Am I too nice? Do people tell me I'm too nice? I know I've told some people that, You're too nice. Tell me what you think. What do you want to do? You're being too nice. Listen if people are telling that to you and take a minute to think about it.

So I hope this was helpful. I hope you'll share this with anyone else that might benefit from hearing.

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So you're happy, have a wonderful day, and remember to make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.