Episode #64 

When Everything Changes - Part 2

A cancer diagnosis can change and rock your whole world.

The biopsies, surgeries, treatments and resulting issues all take their toll mentally and emotionally.

If you or a loved one are going through this, how can you have the mental strength to cope and endure?

In the second part of this special series, join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I take you through my personal journey with ovarian cancer and how my CBT tools helped me keep my sanity and emotional balance. You'll learn practical tools and tips for coping successfully with your own health journey.

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, and welcome to My CBT Podcast!

My name is Dr. Julie Osborn, I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life. In this podcast, I’ll answer some questions and share with you some practical ways to apply CBT principles and tools so you can achieve a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in your life in relationships.

So first, let me share with you an email I got or somebody sent me a message through my Instagram.

It says:

“Hi, Dr. Julie, I just want to thank you for your podcast. I'm going through a difficult time in my relationship right now and listening to your podcast that made me the comment and non manic I've been in days. I just listen to your Are You Honoring Yourself episode.”

So thank you for reaching out.

I'm glad that they've been helpful and honor and yourself is super important. It gives you an opportunity to kind of ground yourself when you're in this midst of chaos and stress and anxiety that am I honoring myself right now in my life? And that goes into me continuing my story of what I've been going through and me honoring myself when I had to speak up and get the help I needed. So if you listen to my last podcast, I went through some medical issues, and I'm finally getting my surgery.

Hallelujah, right?!

Thank God. I had to fight for that and advocate for myself. And so I'm going to kind of pick up where I left off and share with you guys what happened after that the night before just to share a little funny antidote is my doctor said you can eat whatever you want before midnight, whatever you want to have. I'm not usually a big hamburger person, but I told my husband to go to in and out burger. If those of you that are familiar with it. I got a hamburger, French fries and vanilla shake that is normally not my diet.

But I thought I don't know what I'll be it in after the surgery. So what the heck? Right. So I enjoy my last meal, and in the morning, they took me down for the surgery. And again, everything has just been kind of a whirlwind.

So I wasn't even asking the doctors. I mean, I'm sorry. I wasn't even asking nurses about my doctor, the surgeons. I was just grateful to finally get the surgery done. But all the nurses just on their own.

We're just like, you're really fortunate. You got the crumble creme of the doctors. The surgeons are just fantastic wonders. Even, you know, had them do her surgery. So we were feeling really grateful about that.

Right before I went into surgery, I met my surgeon, whose name is Dr. Antonio Castaneda. He's my angel, my savior. I feel like. And he came in.

I met him, and they first were going to do a laproscopic where they just kind of go in, make three holes and they're able to take everything out, which is the better way to get a hysterectomy. But once he examined me and saw, as I mentioned earlier, that everything just got pushed up in my abdomen, that I have to just do regular surgery and, you know, just cut me open and remove everything. So I was like, okay, obviously, whatever you need to do is fine with me during this time.

As you can probably imagine, lots of support in my life, friends, family like everybody just sending me prayers and good wishes and a lot of support, which I was eternally grateful for. And my spiritual part of my life is very important to me.

And I've heard about people getting these feelings or this warmth sensations. And to be honest, I haven't experienced anything like that before. I feel connected and that type of thing. But I got to tell you, when I was being wheeled into the operating room, I actually felt like this calmness and like this energy. That's how I would describe it.

I felt this energy around me that I just haven't felt before in my life. And it was calming. I wasn't anxious. I wasn't worried. And I remember that I remember that moment, a feeling, everyone's energy that was there supporting me and praying for you, that everything would go okay.

And that really meant a lot, really meant a lot of very powerful moment for me. So anyways, they go in, I have surgery, and I wake up. I see the doctor and everyone is telling me who had a major surgery, but surgery went great. And my doctor says from my eye what I could see, we got all the cancer out, but my SIS had burst and they were bleeding, which means the cancer is getting out. And I just need to share that with you guys, because that is the most important part here, that if I had listened to these other doctors and waited for these appointments, God knows where I'd be right now, knowing this cancer is just bleeding inside of me.

And that's why I say I probably saved my life when I refused to leave a doctor's office because they got in there soon enough. I am I'm sorry, diagnosed with ovarian cancer, but it is stage one. They got all the cancer out, all the biopsies they took, everything came back negative. I'm just beyond grateful. My doctor said, waiting for the pathology report, and he's saying that initially the pathologist is saying, it looks good.

I'm like, thank God. And again, it comes back finally, that yes, at stage one, they got all the cancer out. I need to do some chemotherapy for preventative measures because you never know if one little cell got out somewhere, and that could be real trouble down the road if I don't do that. So anyways, that's where I am regarding my diagnosis, which is the most important thing. And I had to stay in the hospital for eight days time, really helping me manage my pain and everything else that goes along with surgery.

I've learned that a lot of people are like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna get surgery for this. I'm gonna get surgery for that. Surgery is a big deal, you guys, it's not just the surgery. It's all the side effects that happen to your body. From the surgery, your body kind of shuts down.

That anesthesia so strong, it shuts everything down, and you got to get your body going again. So the biggest negative really that happened is during surgery for me is I use these clamps to keep you open. And I ended up getting a pinched nerve in my left leg. They didn't know this for the first couple of days because I wasn't getting out of bed. And then when I did, I didn't fall to the ground.

But I was close. My leg just buckled on me. And that's when I realized and they told me that that's what happened. My doctor was very apologetic. He felt so bad, he was really surprised at the length of the surgery that that would happen.

But I got to tell you, if I didn't have my CBT tools, I don't know where I'd be today because this has been my biggest, biggest issue that I can't walk on my own. I'm having to use a Walker because my leg basically feels numb and my quadricep does not fire. So it's kind of hard to explain. But if you are sitting in a chair and you just wanted to kick your leg out, my leg won't kick out. I'm having to do physical therapy.

And I went back to my acupuncture, who I love dearly, and we're working on getting my leg back. But, you know, it was like, this extra thing that didn't have to happen. And I've had many, many, many tears over this. Just thinking, here are my thoughts, right? It's unfair.

It didn't have to happen. Why me? I don't know if I can handle this. What if it doesn't come back? I mean, just all to do to have thoughts that I had to just take control over and just be like, Julie, you need to stop.

You need to focus on what do you have control over? Right? And again, being present. And what I have control over is doing my exercises every day, going to my acupuncturist, getting up and walking, even when I don't feel that great. You know, I gotta keep moving.

I got to work on it. I got to get my leg back. I have to. I have to. I have to.

And that has been, to be honest, my biggest struggle, the surgery is a big deal. And again, I'm recovering. And, you know, it was a lot, but, oh, my God, this leg, that was just again, it's rare, right? And there's my, of course, it's rare it happened to me. You know, that's depressing, right?

That will make you frustrated, angry. And it just is something that happened. And that's the risk when you take you do surgeries, you just never know it's going to happen to your body, but it is taking me down. It has taken me down to a very difficult place, and I've had to really rely on my coping skills and, you know, support has been great. But I gotta tell you, there's moments that it's just all about you and how you're thinking about things and people can tell me it's gonna get better.

It'll be okay this and that. But I'm the one dealing with it. I'm the one that feels it. I feel the discomfort. I feel the frustration.

You know, it's really impeded my recovery, because if this wasn't happening, I could have got up and moved faster and got my body back in working order quicker. I could just be doing more things that I can't do right now because I got to use a Walker to get around, you know, and be super careful. I don't fall. So I will tell, you know, there's been some improvement. I'm feeling more confident when I'm walking.

You know, it doesn't feel quite as numb, but it's not there yet, and it's tough. And I can tell you too. I've definitely kept myself from going on the Internet. I don't want to read about it. I don't want to hear any statistics.

I just know who I am, and I have to keep fighting and working to get my, like, working again so that's something else is avoiding going on the internet. A lot of times. I have a lot of clients that I'm like, stop going on the Internet. You get the worst case scenario stories people share their worst stories of. And then you think that could be you and that's going to mess with your head and create more high thoughts.

And you just don't want to go down that road. You just don't want to go down the road. So using my tools that encourage you guys to use that, even when life seems so overwhelming and difficult. I just said one cousin said to me, Have you even wrapped your head around all this? I said, I haven't even had time.

You know, it's like you're fighting for care and then you get the care. And now you're dealing with the recovery. And now I have my leg. I can't walk on like it's one thing after another after another, right? Finally get out of the hospital.

And now it's like, what do I have to do next? Now I got to set up the PT. Now I got to sign out when I'm going to do my chemo like, it's like, Wendy of time to even kind of sit with everything. And you got to make yourself sit and to be with everything and to let yourself cry and to be frustrated and you know, it's okay to have all these emotions we talk about, right? We just don't want them to get the best of us.

And again, we need to give ourselves time to be sad and not avoid. It doesn't mean that you're not strong. You know, your strength is allowing yourself to feel what you're feeling at that moment and to be all set and take an honest with the people around you who love you. I've kind of realized, Daniel. Of course, people always asking me, how do you feel?

How do you feel? How do you feel? And I know people want to hear a good answer because it makes them feel better. But I've just been honest. And sometimes I'm like, I'm not doing that good.

It might have been a good day and frustrated, you know, I can't really tell you that my leg is any better, and I just kind of realized I'm just going to be who I am and I'm going to be authentic. And the people that love me and care for you will be able to handle with. But I just have to be honest and be where I'm at through this journey that I'm going through. When I got home from the hospital, I was ready to come home after eight days, and I want to share, too.

So on the second day I was in the hospital, you know, I have a few children and one of my daughters lives in New York City, and I didn't even ask her to come in and she just showed up.

You can imagine. I was bawling in my room then. I was just really overwhelmed, just so grateful, just so grateful that she came in and was here for two weeks. And I was just like a godsend. She just helped out so much.

And it was just really good support for me. My husband when I came home just was really helpful and taking care of me. So that was really helpful. And my other daughter, May, has been actually out of the country, is coming home in about a week, and she'll be there to help me as well. So I'm really grateful for that.

So my other daughter, who lives in other state as a family and works, but she's been wonderful in reaching out and sending me gifts and beautiful text. So all the support that's just my kids I'm talking about, but my family, my friends, the flowers. The doorbell was just ringing off the hook. People have sent meals. I knew I had good friends and family, but I got to tell you when you need them the most and you see them come through, it's really it's really hard warning to how much people really care about.

You know, I tend to be more of a caretaker, right? I'm there for my clients, there for my family. I tend not to ask for help a lot. I tend to take care of things myself. And and I was just placed in I'm in a place right now, that all I can do is ask for help.

You know, they told me at the hospital, don't be a hero and go up and down the steps because of your leg. If you need something, just ask for somebody to get it for you. You don't have to do everything to really turn my life around to learn how to ask for help, which is another good lesson for all of us. Right? And a lot of us are really strong and we're independent, and we don't want to think we need all this help.

But. But this is taking me to a place which is good to be better at asking for help and better to ask for the things that I need not feel bad about it. I know this is all temporary and anything temporary I can handle. It's not going to be forever. And I just need to honor myself and ask for what I need.

I want to share it, sharing little funny stories with you, too. So I think I've told you before I grew up in Buffalo, New York, and I actually grew up next door to the best pizza place in Buffalo, New York, which is called a cheese pizza. And it is just there's no other pizza like batches pizza. I gotta tell you. And my very best friend back in Buffalo line, send me a Bache's pizza.

My daughter answered the door, and she's like, mom, you're not gonna believe you got a Bache's pizza. And all I thought to myself is, you, I loved you are loved. So Bache's pizza will send half baked pizzas all over the country, all of us Buffalo Bill fans. Sometimes we'll order before a game and then you just heat it up in the oven and it tastes just like you got it there. So it was just, oh, my God, of all the wonderful things I got that really we just laughed and enjoyed.

And my husband was super excited. He's had Bache's pizza, and it was just really it was just really great. I just wanted to share that with you because that just really brought a smile to my face. But, you know, we've had people bring meals over bias meals. You know, I still got more flowers yesterday.

I mean, it's just, you know, people have reached out to me on Instagram, Facebook. People have gone through cancer, giving me support, giving me suggestions. I mean, it's just it's really been incredible that with all the stress in the world that there's that community still. And people are there for each other when they really need them. And sometimes I've got a little overwhelmed with all the advice and people telling me stuff.

And I just kind of say, okay, I'm just gonna take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. I can always go back and read the messages, but just sit there there and they reach out to me. It's just been just really incredible, just really incredible. And when people say, let me know if you need anything. No, I believe I don't think it's just them saying that.

And I tell them if I need something, I'll let them know and I will. And so all of this has been part of my using my CBT, and my journey is just having to be the person that isn't the caretaker, the fixer, the doer, and having to sit back and being okay with needing help and asking for support and not feeling like a burden because I know if the shoe is on the other foot, I would be there for my friend, my neighbor and do what I could to help them out.

So it's something I think a lot of us struggle with is asking for help, whether we feel we are worthy of it, if we deserve it or we're going to be a burden, right? Those are all of our hot sauce. I can get in the way of getting the help that we need because me being able to ask for help and resting when I need to and not running around and trying to do everything is going to help me heal better.

And the better I heal, the better I'll be. At the end of all of this, I've continued to have to advocate for myself. So after I got home and then I needed to set up my chemo. Well, let's deal with that now, right? So I went back and did a follow up with my wonderful surgeon, Dr.

Castaneda, and he said, I'm going to help you find a place that's in your network for your chemo. And then when you're done, you can come back to me to follow up. And I said, Great, because I will be changing insurance plans and making sure that they're in my plan at the end of the year. So he gives me a referral to a place that's in the city I live, which is great. No problem.

My daughter starts making phone calls and Lo and behold at that particular office. They don't do chemo for varying cancer. They do it for lots of other cancers. And you'd have to go up to Los Angeles, which I'm talking 60, 70 miles. So I'm like, I ain't doing that.

I am not driving that far. And I would like to find what they call a continuity of care so that's if your doctor is not in your plan, but you've been working with them. Obviously, it's my surgeon that the insurance will approve for you to be able to continue with your doctor. So as I've shared with you my first podcast about this, my insurance has been terrible. Nobody on the portal would see me just nothing worked out, nothing worked out at all.

And so we had to deal with that. So I'm thinking, okay, now I'm home and now I got to keep it advocating for myself. So luckily, before I went into the hospital, I got a case manager assigned to me through my insurance. I had not talked to her beforehand, but we called her when I got home and I want to give a shout out to Helen. She's been phenomenal, and we had a fight and fight and fight.

She was even having a hard time getting people to respond to her. And she works for the company to finally get this approved. I had to reach out to my primary doctor to make a phone call. We had to get Dr. Kesta netted to do a pre op.

I mean, it was just a headache. I'm like, what is going on with the system? There's so many holes. And for those of us that are going through whatever we're going through to find the mental strength was everything I have left in me. I just was like I got until so burned out.

You guys, I was just like, I don't know how much more I can handle having to fight, having to fight. And then there's a time frame. So once you have surgery, if you need chemo now, they want to start it within the first three weeks in case themselves are out there. They don't want them to start growing. Right?

So I'm coming up on my third week, which is when he wants me to start the chemo. And I'm not getting this approved yet over and over a day after day making phone calls. Anyways, the good news is about a day ago they finally approved it, and I have my first chemotherapy set up for next week, which will be a different podcast and a lot of emotions there. You know, I'm grateful. I know I need to do this.

I only have to do minimum three maximum six if I can tolerate it and get up to six. That is what my doctor really wants me to do. Everyone's telling me to do that if I can. This is my one chance to really make sure there's no cancer left inside me if there is and I'm going to do the best I can if I can tolerate it. Of course I'm going to do the six, but now I have that small window of time of managing all these emotions going into chemo, right?

I'm grateful that I'm going to get it done and I can move on and be done and heal. And I'm also obviously worried and afraid, and I don't know what my side effects will be. A lot of unknown, which is a hard thing for all of us to handle. We all like to know we all want certainty. How is it going to affect me?

How am I going to be all of those kind of things? And that's what I have ahead of me. And all I'm doing is using my CBT tools to stay present, stay in the moment, you know, enjoy each day as best I can. I'm starting to get out of the house a little bit, taking some drives. I actually went to a store yesterday.

My husband's been fabulous, you know, pushing me to, you know, I got to get out of the house. It's just it's been hired because my Lake is in the way of everything. Stan leg. So I pray every night, then my leg gets better and I'm doing everything I can. But your mind can go to some really difficult places.

And that's why, again, I'm grateful to have the CPT, and I want you guys to just practice and practice and make it automatic like it is for me. I don't have to stop and say, oh, I need to do a thought record. I just am aware that I have these have thoughts I've been doing it so long. My brain just works that way and be aware and express how I feel and cry and be upset and frustrated and just be gentle with myself. And that hard or judgmental.

We all have. We have a reason that we have all of these emotions in our lives, and we have to let them come. But we have to be aware of what am I thinking that's making me feel this way. And sometimes it's okay. Like I'm thinking, I don't know what the outcome is going to be with Chemo.

That makes me nervous. That's okay. That's normal. But I can't let it take over my day, right? I can't let me stay on the couch all day and just be in tears or create anxiety that I can't let it do.

So it's normal, right? That my hop thoughts. Remember your hop thoughts or thoughts that aren't true. There's some truth in them, but there's a lot of things that aren't true. That's what I have to pay attention to.

What are my hot thoughts and not allow them to take me down. That right now. I'm not doing Chemo yet. I got all my hair. I'm not feeling sick.

I'm able to have my meals, I'm able to enjoy a little bit of company. I'm able to get out of the house. I have to enjoy these days because I just don't know what's coming forward. Maybe I'll be okay. I've met a couple of people that have gone through Chemo.

They got through it, all right. And God willing, maybe that'll be me. Maybe it won't. I don't know. But I just got to take it one day at a time, and sometimes I'm taking it one moment at a time.

But those are all tools that I have that I'm using. And I know I've talked to you guys about these over the podcast over the last 18 months, in many different forms, and that I need my CBT tools now more than ever, right? More than ever. And think about how am I going to deal with the stress in my life so I can be the best I can be. I can honor myself, and I will continue to advocate for myself.

Another example of advocating is when I talked to my surgeon in the hospital about chemo, we were talking about different types, and I said I would prefer this type over this type because of some of the side effects. And when I set up my first chemo appointment, it sounded like it was the other one that I didn't want to do. So I asked the nurse, please contact the doctor. Please talk to him before I come in. I don't want to show up and be like, no, this is not the chemo that I wanted.

I wanted to have the other option, so I'm still advocating. I'm not just like, oh, I'm grateful. Whatever. Thank you. I am grateful, but I'm talking.

I'm finding out what are the names of the medicines. What do I need to do to get through this? The best I can get through this. What are my support networks for different things I might go through? No, I'm asking questions and taking notes.

I'm going to do whatever I I need to do for me and be able to think about what are my thoughts that are getting in the way and not letting them last too long. I am not perfect by any means. You guys, I've had some pretty dark moments and just feeling sorry for myself to be honest, and I let myself be there for a little bit, and then I'm like, okay, Julie, I got to cut this crap out and let's focus on what I can do to get better and be, well, distract myself.

Sometimes. Start reading again.

So whatever you might be going through in your life, ask yourself, what are the tools I've learned? What are the CBT tools I have? Maybe. Am I using enough? Maybe I'm not practicing that I really need to start using so that I don't let my moods take over my life.

Right? And then we make decisions based on what's best for us, not how we feel. And there will always be my mantra for the rest of my life and to always remember, too, that if something's temporary, you can deal with it. Everything I'm dealing with is temporary. My legs temporary.

The chemo is going to be temporary. My recovery will be temporary. It's going to take some time to heal, and I know that, but I'm going to be alive and the cancer is not going to get me. And that's the most important thing that I continue to remind myself when I get in those self pity modes. I've also one last thing to add is I haven't been working normally.

My work has always been so important. I care about all my clients, any of you that are listening that have been supportive or willing to wait or I've given a lot of referrals out that I just know emotionally and physically, I just couldn't be there for my clients the way that I want to be and that you need me to be there for you. And surprisingly, I've been at peace. I haven't been anxious about my practice. I feel that when I'm ready to work and I can be present for my clients, that my practice will be there and this time in my life is the most difficult thing and that I just need to take care of myself.

And it's been interesting to me that I haven't been more anxious about it, but I just know my capacity and that I'm not going to try to do therapy and not be able to really be there for my clients the way they deserve and that they need me. So I don't have a return day right now. I tell everyone I'm on a medical leave, and when I'm ready, I'll get back. I'm glad I found the strength to start doing my podcast again, and I wanted to share this with you to hope I can be of some help, give you some ideas, share with people.

I know we're all going through many different struggles, and you're not going through this particular one, but maybe the things that I've done to deal with this can help with the things that you're dealing with in your life in some way.

So thanks for being here with me. Thanks for allowing me to be vulnerable and authentic with you and share my story. And I hope you can find some strength or some help through it.

I find strength and help through you guys. And again, the emails and the support I've gotten over all this time just spent the world to me. So I'll continue sharing my journey. Keep me in your prayers and we're going to get through this. I'm going to get through this and be better than ever.

So again, I hope this was helpful for you. Feel free to reach out. You can email me at MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com.

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Thanks for joining me. Please stay safe. Take care of yourself until we meet again.