Episode #114

Blame & CBT

Blame gets you nowhere. It keeps you stuck in a negative place.

What are the benefits of blame?

How can using a cost-benefit analysis help?

What tools can help you adjust negative thought patterns?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you the lightbulb-moment reasoning and CBT tools that can help you move forward.

Click to listen now!

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, this is Dr. Julie. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognative Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So thanks for joining me today. I just want to start off with the emails I normally do when you guys reach out to me. I really appreciate all your feedback and suggestions.

So this was from a listener, saying,

“Hi, Dr. Julie,

I'm so grateful to have found your podcast on CBT. I was curious if you could suggest a workbook and/or app for my phone to keep practicing and helping on the homework side. I have begun working with a therapist, but I know I have a hard time making things stick, so homework would be crucial for me.

Thanks so much again for your wonderful podcast.”

So thank you for that email. So as most of you know, the workbook that I use with my clients is Mind Over Mood by Dr. Greenberger and Dr. Padeski. I also suggest Feeling Good and Feeling Great by Dr. Burns. I have a lot of training with him as well. Regarding an app, I don't have a particular one to refer you guys, but if you just do a search.

I know there's a couple apps on CBT, and those might be helpful ones to follow. Also, in the Mind Over Mood book, there is a site you can go to where you can download the forms. So you could probably do that on your phone and you could follow, say, the fall record, which is where you're identifying the situation, your moods, your how thoughts, and balancing them out, one of the main tools in the book. And that could be a good reference to go to for yourself. So I also suggest regarding doing the homework and reminding yourself is I suggest with my clients to put reminders on your phone. Life gets busy. I get to practice this every day because I'm working with clients, right? But I know on my own, I would definitely have to have a plan in place because, again, life gets busy. You're like, Oh, I didn't do a thaw break, or I didn't do my homework. So if you could spend 25, 30 minutes a day with the workbook, you'll get a lot done. I think a lot of people create big expectations, and they're like, I have spent hours a day, and that is not true at all.

So I tell my clients, if you can do at least 20, 30 minutes a day in the workbook, there is an inventory that I have my clients use through The Mind Over Mood book on depression and anxiety, and it shares in the book to do it on a weekly basis on the same day. So it's a way for us to get your baseline when you get started where you are with depression, anxiety. And then we measure along the way in therapy to see how you're doing, what things are not getting better, what things are getting better. And it's a great tool when people finish therapy. So I tell them to go on their phone and just say, if you do it every Monday to just put inventory, and then it's a reminder. So if you're a phone person, you can use your phone just to remind you. Another thing I give ideas to my clients for is if you have little post-it notes and you write down, if you're using the Mind Over Mood book, if you write down, Mo. M. For Mom, it's Mind Over Mood. You can write down, thoughts, fall record, whatever words will remind you like, Oh, yeah, what am I thinking right now?

Put that on your visor in your car, put it on your mirror in your bathroom, maybe put it in your pantry, in your kitchen, anywhere you're comfortable where it's okay if other people see it, if you live with other, that you'll be like, Oh, yeah, what am I thinking right now? Because we want to get into the habit of asking ourselves, What am I thinking when I'm having negative moods and not getting just caught up in the moods? So I hope those are some suggestions that could be helpful to stick with your homework and how to practice, because, again, the workbook isn't forever. It's to learn the tools, just like we did in school. We use books to learn math. And once we had the math, we never went back to the book, probably, right? So it's the same concept, like learning the tools with the workbook make a really big difference because you really get to some underlying issues, but then you're going to be able to just do it automatically and write it down only if you want to, right? So I do my thought records in my head. If I'm really struggling, I might sit down and write down my thought record just to really get to those underlying thoughts that maybe I'm having a hard time identifying.

But 99 % of the time it's all in my head now because I have learned it well enough. And I know you guys can get there as well, too. And that is the goal is to be able to use your tools in the moment when you need them. So putting in the time is important. You're deserving of that time. You deserve to be happy and feel better, and you have to create a plan to get there. So today I wanted to talk about one of my pet peeves, and that is blaming, blamers, right? And that is a cognitive distortion, blaming other people. So I always say blamers don't change because it's not their fault, right? And blaming is a quick way to shut people up. Blaming is a quick way to not take responsibility. Blaming is a quick way to avoid the situation. Blaming is a quick way to not make changes, and it gets you nowhere. It gets you absolutely nowhere. So I want to talk about a different tool today that you can use that is really helpful to get started to start seeing like, if I'm a blamer or if I'm blaming someone in a particular situation that I'm struggling with, let me look at the advantages of blaming and the disadvantages of blaming.

So I'm going to use an example from, as I mentioned a little earlier, Dr. David Burns. I have a lot of training with him, and he has written many phenomenal books, Feeling Great. This is his latest, He Had Feeling Good, a lot of great books. And one of the tools that he's taught me is the cost benefit analysis. I'm going to focus on the one regarding blame and use some examples that I have learned through his training. I just want to give credit where credit is due, right? A lot of great people out there doing a lot of good stuff. And he has really expanded the tools of CBT. I'm grateful that I've been able to meet him and work with him and get the training and the tools that he's shared with everybody. So if you're going to do a cost benefit analysis, all you need to do is take a piece of paper and you just put a line down the middle. And on the left side, you're going to write down advantages of blaming the other person. And on the right side, you're going to put down disadvantages of blaming the other person.

So I'm going to go through the ones that he has put down as examples. And then I will talk about getting deeper regarding using the CBT tools as well. But this is an excellent tool to start off with, Darcy, and is this really the road I want to go down? Is this really the answer regarding blaming others? It normally is not. And we'll talk about when maybe it may be true that it is someone else's fault, but what can you do in your situation? How do you want to handle it? So let's talk first about the advantages of blaming the other person. So one is that it's easy, and you don't have to change, right? Like I said, blamers don't change because it's not their fault. So it's great. I don't have to change. I don't have to work on it. I'm just going to blame the other person. I also can feel self-righteous and morally superior. That usually feels good, right? Another one is I don't have to get close to the other person. I can keep them at a distance, right? If it's their fault, then I'm just not going to engage with them.

It also can make me feel powerful, right? I'm like a victim. They did something to me that makes me feel big and powerful. Also, I'll be convinced that the other person really is at fault. And then I'm off the hook. I don't have to do anything. How easy is that? Playing the role of victim allows you not to do anything because you're a victim. You also won't have to feel vulnerable, which is a safe place to be, right? Who wants to feel vulnerable? Blaming the other person can help protect your self-esteem as well as your pride. You don't have to feel guilty, right? Remember, the definition of guilt is that you did something wrong, and if you're blaming someone else, then obviously you didn't do anything wrong, and I don't need to feel guilty, which is uncomfortable. I can also hide my faults. I don't want people to see that I have faults or weaknesses or my character defects, and I can deny my own role in the problem. I mean, as you can see as I'm going on, it's just easier to blame someone else. I don't have to do any work. I also won't have to experience the pain or humiliation and have to examine myself.

I also won't have to feel ashamed, which is a horrible feeling, right? Shame is that there's something wrong with me. I don't want to go there either. I can also fantasize about getting revenge on the other person who hasn't done that, right? I would do this, I would say that, right? That feels good. Again, makes me feel powerful. Also, I can tell myself that I have every right to be angry. Every right. And even if that's true, where does that really get you? You just sit in your anger, which doesn't feel good. Because you think that the anger is going to give your life some purpose and meaning. Depends how you use it. I also can gossip if I want about the other person, and then get sympathy from other people. That feels good. And that just feeds my belief that it's all the other person's fault. I can also tell myself that the other person is a jerk and they're not even worth the effort, so I can just move on and avoid the whole thing. Those are a lot of, sounds pretty good to me, right? There's enough to deal with in life.

I can blame other people, not have to look at myself. Just makes life a little easier. Although there's lots of disadvantage as well, right? So let's go over some of those. So if I blame the other person a disadvantage is that nothing will change because nothing's going to happen. I'm not going to be able to develop a better relationship with that person or resolve the issue. And then I'll actually be powerless to resolve the conflict, right? That's opposite than I think I'm powerful because I'm blaming. I'm actually powerless. I can't resolve the conflict if I'm completely blaming the other person. Also, if I'm in this role of victim, that can be exhausting. And you know what? I might end up getting addicted to self-pity. That happens as well. I'm also going to end up hiding my feelings, and the other person won't really see how I really feel inside and be able to, again, be vulnerable with each other and maybe resolve the conflict, I might actually be able to get closer to this person and improve this relationship because of this conflict that we're having. So if I'm only blaming that disadvantage, I'm going to deprive myself of a chance of having greater intimacy and even love with this person.

And you know what? I might still feel guilty even if I blame them. Kind of damned if I do, damned if I don't regarding guilt. I'm also going to be blind to my role in the problem, and I might have some overly positive view of myself, which is really distorted. I'm definitely not going to grow or learn anything new, right? Because I'm not working on myself. And then I might get trapped in my anger, right? I was saying earlier like, Okay, yeah, I'm angry. I might have a right to be angry. I tell myself I have a right, but then people get stuck in anger, and trust me, angry people are not happy. Also, if there's constant fighting going on because of the situation, that can be exhausting, can be a huge waste of time, and it doesn't get me anywhere. Me gossiping about the person, people might get tired of me complaining. I believe I have talked in other podcasts that just being around negative energy, people that are complainers and unhappy is exhausting. And people do get tired of people complaining, and then they just push away. They're not engaging. They may not engage with me because they'll be like, Oh, my God, Julie is just going to complain about that same thing over and over again.

And then also, I'm setting a bad example, being a bad role model for my friends and my family members. I have children. I don't want to teach them to just blame others for the things that happen in their lives. I want them to take responsibility, right? So I need to think about what role model am I? If I'm a blamer, then I'm giving them permission to be blamers. And then being constantly angry, resentful, disappointed in others, I might end up getting the physical symptoms, which I know I did that podcast a few weeks ago about how your thoughts can create physical symptoms, right? So I could have headaches. I could feel tired all the time. My blood pressure could go up. I could have upset stomach, have a hard time focusing and concentrating because this constant issue is going on. And as long as I'm blaming, the disadvantage is that I'm actually not doing anything about my problem, and I'm just sitting in it. So now that I've listed on my paper the advantages of blaming someone and the disadvantages, on the very bottom, you want to, out of 100 %, rate them. Right? Right?

Which one is more true? Right? So for me, I would say the disadvantage of blaming the other person is probably 85 % more true for me, and maybe I'd get 15 % to the advantages about blaming somebody else. So it's not really working for me, right? It's not really working for me. And maybe that can help me start changing how I think about the situation and say, Okay, me continuing to blame this other person or blaming the world or blaming whoever I'm blaming is not serving me because I'm not dealing with the issue. I don't feel good physically. I don't feel good emotionally. I'm not getting my needs met. I might even lose this relationship. I may not figure out the problem. Some people lose jobs over and over again, and sometimes you need to say, What's going on with this pattern? Or if I go through relationships a lot over and over again, a lot of breakups, people break up with me, I keep blaming them like, What's the common denominator? I need to look at myself and say, What am I doing that's causing problems in the relationship? What am I doing that I'm not holding a job?

I need to be able to look at that and say, Okay, the disadvantages of me blaming everybody else is literally getting me nowhere, and I'm not happy. So what if I take some responsibility? I'm not even saying it's 100 % your fault, right? But there's some part that you can own, whatever that might be. This is where in therapy, I'm really able to work with my clients and start helping them see like, Oh, maybe even just not responding would have been a better way. Even if that person was wrong and attacked you maybe out of nowhere, sometimes that can happen in a situation, and you're like, I didn't do anything. You know what? I should have just walked away. I shouldn't have engaged. What can I do differently in this relationship? What can I do differently the next time my boss asked me why I didn't do things a certain way instead of getting defensive? What is that? So that's the thought. Remember that all of your thoughts create the behavior of blaming. Blaming someone is based on how you're thinking, and then the behavior is that pointing the finger at them, and then all of the behaviors, a lot of them are the advantages I talked about.

A behavior of playing a victim can be a behavior, gossiping is a behavior. Not looking at yourself would be avoiding. That's a behavior. So we want to change and say, Okay, I do feel hurt. I don't think I started this problem, but do I want to fix it? Do I want to walk away from this relationship from this job? Or do I want to step in and say, Okay, what can we do to repair this? I'll take some responsibility, and hopefully the other person will take some responsibility, and then you can start resolving it and being honest and open and using good communication skills. There's so much to this. As I'm talking, I'm adding. I have a lot of podcasts you can listen to on communication skills. My favorite one, again, another Dr. Burns, is actually The Five Secrets of Effective Communication, where we can find some truth in what the person is saying, even if we don't fully agree with what they're accusing us of or what they're upset about. But when we can say, Okay, I can see that. Yeah, I did do that, at that one time, I did react in that way.

It disarms the argument, and then we can start talking to each other, having some empathy, sharing how you feel, and maybe coming to some resolution or start changing things. So there's so many tools with the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but this is the place to get started. If you're struggling with something, let's do a cost-benefit analysis. It can be about, I'm focusing on blaming, it can be about any situation, but blame is a big deal. It's a big deal in our world. You listen to the news, you listen to politics, everyone's blaming each other. I never hear politicians get up say, Yeah, you know what? I didn't do this part, but I want them to do this part. They're doing this. They're doing that. Pointing the finger, pointing the finger. Very black and white thinking, right? So we're like, Yeah, they are wrong. They are wrong. I'm right, you're wrong. That's all that blaming. And again, we literally get nowhere, right? We don't get anywhere. It's hard to make changes. But when we do make changes, you hear people having to say, Well, we had a compromise. We gave them this, so we could get that.

Okay, that's what happens, right? That's how we get progress. That's how we can do that in our relationships. What is it you need from me next time you're upset instead of me just stonewalling you, not talking to you or reacting to you? What can I do better? Instead of me just blaming you, are you blaming me? So ask yourself, are you a blamer? Do you take responsibility for the things going on in your life? And even if you really think that you haven't done anything wrong, the disadvantage is still not willing to work on it, right? And just blaming them. There's always something, I believe, I don't say the word always often, but I think there's always something we can do differently. And where does that start? Is thinking about it differently. So as always, we want to identify what are our thoughts, what are the thoughts that aren't a hundred % true in this situation? Right? One of the thoughts with blaming others would be it is all their fault. I did nothing wrong. I can't do anything to fix this. They're always going to be that way. I shouldn't have to be vulnerable.

I shouldn't have to take any responsibility. If you did a thought record, identifying your thoughts, I mean, there's all your hot thoughts right there. There's a good chance all your thoughts are hot in this situation. So sit back, take some time, ask yourself, Is there anything in my life where I'm blaming others? Do I want to do anything about it? Do I want to take some action? That's really going to make you guys feel better, because being a victim sucks when it comes to relationships in your life. I'm talking about being a victim when you just blame others. That's what I mean when I say victim in this situation. I don't want to be a victim. I want to be a survivor. I want to be someone that takes responsibility for my part and makes changes and improves relationships. Sometimes I've had to really dig deep and see where was I to blame? Because I had a hard time seeing it, and it had to be from a really vulnerable place. But when I was able to share that with people in my life, it really turned things around because I think they were able to see like, Wow, she's able to see where I'm coming from.

And all you have to do sometimes is give somebody a little nugget to open up that conversation, and then they, I think, will feel more comfortable being vulnerable and looking at their part. Then we can start growing together and start resolving things. Now, there's some people that will just get caught up in being blamers forever. They don't want to change. They don't even realize how to. You can share this with them. You can try to talk with them. And then sometimes we have to say, I'm just going to walk away from this particular relationship if you can, because it's just not worth it for you, because that person isn't willing to take anything. If you said, Hey, I can look at my part, but they're still not want to look at their part. That's where you need to talk about boundaries, think about what's best for you. So at least you can walk away knowing I owned my part, I acknowledged it, I was willing to make some changes. And usually I think it'll work. I'm saying not everything's always going to work, depends on the other people in our lives. But usually when we're able to own our own part, it's really attractive.

I'm attracted to people that own their stuff, and I own my stuff. And I know it's always progress, not perfection. I am never going to stop growing. I always need to be working on myself. I always want to be. I feel like I can always get better. There's always going to be more to learn. There's always going to be new situations I go through, right? And as soon as I start in that blame mode, because I have those thoughts, it comes so fast, right? It's all their fault. Oh, my God. I have to deal with this again. Those are my thoughts. I have to stop myself and saying, Okay, what part here can I own? I'll address it, and we'll see where it goes. And I will use all my thoughts. I'm going to do a thought record before I address it with the person. But I first have to see what's getting me caught up. What do I think the advantages are that are keeping me in this self-rightious mode? And really, what are the disadvantages? And like I said with you guys, when I look at it for me and I look at my cost-benefit analysis exercise that I did here with you guys, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

And that's where I got my 85 % and 15 % for advantages. So what outweighs the other? And then I can start using other CBT tools to make changes. So again, I hope this was helpful. It's a really common cognitive distortion, blaming. The other side to that I just want to mention is because I've talked a lot about when you blame someone else, and this was the cost benefit analysis, but you could also do one if you blame yourself all the time. I've met people that just blame themselves all the time and never give anybody else responsibility for what's going on. They feel horrible about themselves. They think they're a bad person. There's something wrong with them. You can do that also here with the cost benefit analysis of me always blaming myself and taking all the responsibility and trying to fix everything for everybody and not making anybody accountable. That also could be a great exercise. And the cognitive distortion of blaming is, again, blaming others for everything or blaming your sofa things that aren't your fault. I do have a podcast on cognitive distortions. There's of them in the CBT spectrum, I guess you could call, or the tools you want to look at.

And they're very helpful to help you realize that your thoughts are distorted. And sometimes that's enough to start changing. So as always, thanks for being here with me. I hope this was helpful. Please share this with others that might find some insight.

You guys know where to find me at my website - mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com. A lot of good information on there. It's been updated recently. I think you'll enjoy the new content.

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And as always, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.