Episode #166

Taking A Compliment & CBT

Depression often results from an accumulation of seemingly-small hot thoughts. And these hot thoughts, combined with our core beliefs, can make it really hard to accept praise or to take a compliment.

Why do compliments and praise make us so uncomfortable?

How can you use CBT tools to respond to a compliment in a healthy way, both externally and internally?

Join me, Dr Julie, as we talk about compliments and how you can use CBT tools to accept praise.

Click to listen now!

 
 

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, it's Dr. Julie. Welcome to My CBT Podcast. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So I hope everyone's doing well and thanks for being with me. Let me start off with a short email I received that I just thought might be helpful and address some questions you all might have.

So it says,

“Hi, firstly, thank you for your podcast. They've helped me with my mental health issues. I'm really interested in CBT, and I believe this will help me through my depressive state and my ongoing anxiety. Would you have any good CBT worksheets or advice that would assist me on my new journey?”

So of course, you guys know I have lots of suggestions. So if any of you are just joining me now, my main workbook I use is called Mind Over Mood by Dr. Greenberger and Dr. Podesky. It's a workbook. And the second book I would recommend is Feeling Great by Dr. David Burns. So these are two of the people that I have had my most training with with CBT.

And the books have all of the tools that I talk to you guys about. So if any of you guys are looking for them, if you go to my website at mycognitivebehaviouraltherapy. Com and you hit store, you'll see some fun merchandise regarding my podcast that all has my mantra about making decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel. But if you go to the bottom of that page, you'll see both of these books, and you can just click on them directly, and it'll take you to your ability to purchase them. So that is always my go-to, as well as my podcast, of course. This is the workbooks that you can use where you can actually write down and figure out what am I thinking that's causing my negative moods, how can I challenge them, how can I change them, as well as lots of other different tools that I talk to you guys about all the time. So I just wanted to share that one with you and just remind you guys where to go to keep working on yourselves. Again, I admire all the work everyone's doing and the courage you guys have to keep going forward and deal with tough issues in your life and things that maybe you've been ignoring for a long time or didn't even realize were an issue until maybe you started listening to my podcast and realized my thoughts really are the cause of my negative moods and suffering, and I really need to change them.

And how can I do that? And here we are. So today, I want to talk about something that's really common, and we can delve a little more deeper into, instead of just changing something quickly, which I'll explain what I mean in a second, is why is this happening at all? So it's about taking a compliment. So just about a week or two ago, I was at one of my favorite aunts' birthdays, and my She wasn't, looked adorable and cute as always. She had a great outfit on, and I just said, Hey, I really like your outfit. And as soon as I said that, she started saying, Oh, this, or like, Oh, I'm wearing this to cover up this or this or that. And I just said, Just say thank you. And I share that because it's so common, so common that I will compliment somebody. And then they start explaining why they did this or why they're wearing this or what happened. And I say, Just say thank Just take the compliment. A lot of people are super uncomfortable with taking compliments. I'm sure some of you guys are listening to me right now can relate to this.

It's not just a little thing. It's like, Oh, well, whatever. Because one of the other reasons I wanted to talk about this is I tell people all the time. All the time, all the time, I say it's the little stuff that really builds up and makes us feel depressed and anxious and sad and lonely and all those things. Because when I start teaching people how to do the thought records and how to identify their thoughts. A lot of people think that you just do a thought record when you have a huge event happen. People say like, Oh, nothing major happened this week. So I didn't do a thought record. And I'll say, Are you still depressed? They say, Yes. They say, When you have a situation. You have an event, right? It's whenever you have a negative mood. If it's a little bit, 5%, 10% depressed or anxious, up to 100. It's all that in between stuff that builds on things all day long, you guys, for all of us. We just dismiss it, dismiss it, dismiss it. And then we just blow up because we trip over our kid's shoes, right? Why did that irritate me so much?

Because I'm really not addressing my daily stuff, how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. When you really learn these tools, you're going to be able to use them very quickly. It's going to be in your mind. My brain is basically a thaw record. I have negative moods like everybody. I'm in my thoughts very quickly because I've just created this really strong habit. And so you can use them in that moment and just checking in with yourself throughout the day, throughout the day, if you're having any negative mood. So that's why I thought, I'm going to talk about this because this is something that you may consider small, but it could happen throughout the day. And it's really important to understand why are we dismissing compliments that others give us. They don't have to give us a compliment, but they're choosing to. So I do read an article by Dr. Lindsay Godwin who is talking about why do compliments make us so uncomfortable, and what can we do to really take in someone else's praise and really enjoy what they have to share. I'm just going to share a little bit about what she said, and then I'm going to add my CBT tools to help you guys start changing and being more mindful and being able to take compliments better.

Because I think everyone has experienced this at some point. When you resist kind words that come from others, it really can be affecting your confidence and really taking away some meaningful connection with other people. If compliments make you uncomfortable, you want to understand the root cause of this discomfort and have you accept others' feedback with some gratitude and even grace. Why does it feel uncomfortable? Usually, it's because the words themselves, when people compliment you, you look pretty, I like your outfit, great job at work. I really like how you handled that conflict that I saw with your friend. You handled things well with your mom or your dad, whatever it is that's going on. The words themselves make you uncomfortable because cognitively, they don't connect with how you're really seeing yourself. So you're like, What? And these deep-rooted insecurities, you're thinking you're an imposter, is actually why it makes it uncomfortable, because you don't think you're worthy as others perceive you to be. And that can make any kind word about your talents, how you look, things you've achieved, make you feel undeserved or insecure. So it's a little bigger than we think it is.

And that's why using your CBT tools, being in therapy, someone can really help you say, Well, why was that uncomfortable? Why did that make you feel insecure or less than or an imposter? And we want to go deeper to figure out what you're thinking so we can change this. And then the behavior would be being able to just say thank you and being able to really take in what the person is saying because that's something that they're recognizing in you and hopefully you can start to recognize in yourself. They had some people take this quiz on your self and people that have low self-esteem tend to feel less sure of themselves, as well as feeling anxious and ashamed. After they received a compliment, this brought up all those negative feelings. So there's a lot of research that's behind this that people have worked on to figure out why are people uncomfortable with this? And it makes sense. If your own worst critic, which many of us are, if somebody says, You are just It's fantastic. You're just so good at doing what you do. It can really be jarring because it's going to contradict what you're telling yourself in your head.

What do you tell yourself? What are your hot thoughts? Yeah, I wasn't as good as last time. I could have done better. Susie did a better job last week when she was up there. I didn't really take enough time to get ready. I didn't answer the questions well. These are all the hot thoughts you're probably telling yourself. And then someone else comes up and says, Wow, you really killed it up there. That was so excellent. It's one of the best talks I've listened to in a while. And you're like, What? So what you're telling yourself, that's what we talk about all the time. What are these thoughts? All these thoughts that are going on in your head get in the way of you really taking in someone's compliment and say, Hey, I did do a good job. Sure, maybe I know I missed this or I missed that. But you know what? It still came across really well and people benefited from my talk. So we don't want to get into the all or nothing, right? It was great or it wasn't great. It's like, Oh, I got some good feedback. That's really good. And I've experienced this, too.

I've done some public speaking, some talks that without even being mindful of it, I'm like, I wish I would have addressed that or said that different. And then people have come and said, Oh, my God, thank you. I'm looking forward to you coming back. That was really helpful. You made me think about this differently. I'm going to check out that book you recommended. And then I'm like, Okay, Julie, you did do well. And just listen to what other people are telling you. They didn't have to come up and share their thoughts with you or what they thought. They could have just got up and left the room and didn't give any feedback. So just say, Oh, thanks. You know what? It was better than I thought because I wanted it to be probably perfect, which it's never going to be. And so I get harder on myself, and it's harder taking those compliments. So instead of just be at peace and just be like, Thanks, I really appreciate that. I'm glad that you found something positive to take with you. And the research suggests, just to let you know, that women particularly struggle with this more.

So this I thought was really interesting. So it says that a classic study found that women deflected or minimized compliments from men 60% of the time. So when the compliment was given from a woman, they'd rejected it 78% of the time, even more. So the research shows that this is likely in part because women are often socialized to be modest and to focus outwardly on others. Goals with which compliments often conflict. If I'm focusing on others and I'm modest, then I'm like, I don't know if that's true, and someone gives me a compliment. And then women tend to be more perfectionists. We have more pressure in that way. Do this right, do that right, take care of this person. So women tend to feel more strongly than men, even when it's a well-meaning compliment, meaning more strongly to like, I'm uncomfortable with that or deflecting that. So when someone says, You're great. You're fabulous. It can also feel a little more of a spotlight on your shortcomings because you start thinking about, Well, that's not really true. I know they think I'm great, but they don't really know me. They don't really know who I am.

That's the stuff that we tell ourselves that really can affect our self-esteem. And again, not being able to connect with others and just taking that compliment in. Because it really is important accepting praise. And it gets in the way of us really embracing really kind words from other people that they might be doing this also because they want to connect with us and they just want to give us that feedback because you have touch them in a certain way, or they admire something that you're doing. Accepting compliments isn't just about your ego, but it's, again, having some connection with other people. And compliments are like smocks of kindness. You can look at it that way. Someone's saying, I see you, I value you. When you brush them off, you dismiss their thoughtfulness, their own vulnerability. It might have been hard for them to even give that compliment not knowing how you would respond. Taking away other people's joy Anyway, because the research also backs up that complimenting others, even if it's a stranger, makes you happier than you would expect. Think about when you said to someone, it might be a stranger like, Oh, wow, I love your earrings.

Those are so cool. And the person might say, Oh, thank you. And I feel good. I took a moment. I wanted to acknowledge I like the lady's earrings. I love earrings. And it just made someone feel good for the day. So it's a win-win. It's not just like, Oh, I'm giving them a compliment. I feel better. I feel good. I personally, I like to acknowledge people. I like to take that moment of, Wow, that's a really cute outfit. Some people go all day. Nobody's going to say a thing to them. No compliments. Some people feel like nobody even says hi to me during the day. So for someone to take a minute, acknowledge you, and say, Hey, I noticed that. I see you, can really make someone feel good, but also it feels good for us because being of service, giving back, I'm telling you, will always feel good. It feels good to be there for others. It feels good to get out of ourselves. It feels good to put out that positive energy. So it's definitely twofold here. When you can learn to accept the compliments, it's going to also help you. And you can start changing what you're telling yourself that keeps your low self-esteem going, your self-doubt, not feeling worthy.

So But when you can practice embracing the compliments, the feedback you get from others, it not only helps you with your own self-worth, but again, it makes the relationships much more rich. It's bigger than just like, Oh, yeah, I'm uncomfortable with compliments. Why? It's just a compliment. It's literally someone saying something positive to you, and you're uncomfortable with that. I want to know why. That's what I'm going to ask you. I want to know why. Why does that make you uncomfortable. So let's talk about how to take a compliment and how you can use your CBT tools to do that. So if they do make you uncomfortable, we can use our tools to help you to start accepting them and actually enjoy them and start having more of a positive core belief about yourself. So the first one, which I already talked about, was just to say thank you. Again, it's tempting to redirect what they're saying. Oh, it was nothing. Oh, others helped me put the speech together. Oh, my friend helped me pick out the outfit. I normally don't know what goes together very well. Or, I gained a little weight, so I'm wearing this dress that's a little bigger.

It's not too fitting. Instead of just saying, Thanks. And some people could be really modest, and it makes them, again, uncomfortable. But just take a breath and just say, Thank you. And if you're close enough with the person, which I have been like with my cousin, I just said, Just say thank you. And she just smiling and laughed and said, Thank you, because she realized that she wasn't taking the compliment. Based on who the person is, if you're comfortable, you can say to that person, If they're starting to make excuses for why things went well or how they look, just say, Just say thanks. And people tend to take that pretty well. Because it comes... If you can have a heartfelt thank you, It really comes across that, I really appreciate what you said, and that's all you need to do. You don't have to even agree with it, but try to resist playing it down and moving on to something else. Just taking that moment to say, Thanks, I really appreciate you sharing that with me. It's not that hard, and it can start to make a difference for you. The second tip, which is what we talk about with CBT all the time, is you want to consider the evidence, right?

So people with low self-esteem often brush things off, right? You're going to have these hot thoughts that I'm a failure, no one likes me, I'm not good enough. This is often rooted in your core belief, how you feel about yourself, your life experiences. But when we look for the evidence, there's nothing to support them. Going back to that research I was telling you about, that people that participated who had low self-esteem in the research who were prompted to reflect on a compliment from a concrete evidence-based perspective felt better than those who considered it in an abstract way. Having evidence is what really changes things for us because we're not just like, Oh, okay, I'm going to believe that because you said so. Where's the evidence? The evidence that my talk went well is 10 people came up and told me that. My boss came up and said, Wow, that really was excellent. You did a great job. That's evidence-based. Somebody gives you a compliment that, Hey, I like your earrings. Those are the earrings I wear, or I would love to go buy them. That's very concrete. It's not just throwing it out there. It's like, and why would someone...

There's no reason anybody's going to just go compliment you for the heck of it. Just be open and just say, Thanks. If they don't like your hearing, they probably won't say nothing. When you can look at, Where's the evidence? This seems like a good person if I don't really know them, or this is my cowork, or my friend, or whoever that I know that has their best intentions, that's some evidence that I can see that I can believe what they're saying. And it's also also about your self-image, right? So you want to take a moment to say, What am I thinking about that's making me feel uncomfortable right now? There's a lot of cognitive distortions that can get in the way here. All or nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion. Minimizing is a cognitive distortion. Those are things that you can look at as well and say, does this show me that the thoughts I'm having are not 100% true? Also, some of the evidence is, again, when you've heard it from multiple people, or you might even say it work, something really tangible comes out of it. Hey, that raise I was promising, now that you did these things, that's going to come through.

Or I like to put you on this project that's been a little challenging for me, I think you could do a good job. There's tangible things that may come also from the compliments that you're receiving. So it's going to be difficult at first, but your cognitive behavioral tools can really help you start breaking this down, understanding what your negative thoughts are that you're telling yourself and replacing them with more balanced alternative thoughts, right? It's stuff we talk about all the time. So a third thing you can do is you can revisit them later. So even if the compliments that make you feel warm inside often are fleeting, right? It's like, Oh, that was nice, but then next time I need to do better, right? You want to make them last. So when someone gives you a compliment, again, this goes back to your core belief work, really take it in, let it settle in, right? And if I'm a little uncomfortable with them right now, let me go back to them later and say, Oh, what Susie had said to me about my talk, like, You know what? I can appreciate that more now. Actually, I think I did do a good job.

And the things that she really pointed out, I did get across. And then you can write them down. So this is when you're working on your new core belief, right? That I am good enough, for example, right? Is we're going to write down evidence and experiences that show that this is true. So what are some compliments? What's some positive feedback people have gave you to help support your new core belief? And that's one of the exercises. If you're using the Mind Over Move book in chapter 12, which is on your core beliefs, there's a whole exercise you'll see where you start to write down evidence and experiences that support your new core belief. So it's going to remind you of your strengths, and ways to build that up, and especially on days you're feeling down. Because I ask my clients when they start doing the exercise, I say, Please read it in the morning and before you go to bed, and any other time you want to. And it's not that you're memorizing this list of evidence and experiences you've had, but you're just reading it over, just getting it in your brain, and it will start to change.

It'll start to change. When you start to question yourself, it's a list you can always go back to, to say, Oh, yeah, there really is some evidence, even though I'm feeling bad right now because maybe something happened or my perception, how I'm seeing things. Let me look at this. There is a lot of evidence that I'm doing well, that I am good enough, that I am worthy, whatever it is that you're working on. So writing them down really makes a big difference. We have too much stuff going on in our mind to remember all of it. So that's really important to do. And the last thing I just want to share is that maybe you can see the compliments as a gift and reframe it in that way because you want to shift your mindset and say, Oh, that's a gift someone just gave me. When somebody gives kind words or some praise, and they're sharing something positive about you, they want you to know. And when you can accept it graciously by, again, just saying, Thank you. I really appreciate this. That means a lot to me. That's going to help you start seeing it as a gift.

So now I've talked to you guys about reframing, right? And this can help you see compliments as a positive thing and not judgments about your worth, or reminding you that you really don't think you are good enough, or you didn't do a good job, or you're not attractive, or whatever it is that's going on in your mind, right? And seeing that this is a way to connect with somebody, right? And just you being alive, you existing, has meaning to others. And it can really build on that mutual appreciation, understanding for each other. You really do matter. And when people tell you you matter, say thank you and listen to them, right? We all have negative thoughts. We all have moments of insecurity. That's all normal. I talk to you guys that we're not here to eliminate all your negative moods. We're here to decrease them, make them manageable. We're human beings, right? And especially if you're kind, if you're a humble person, you're going to have more of those moments. Maybe we're like, Okay, thanks. I'm not sure how well I did. And instead, let that humbleness open you up to what other people have to say as well.

And just say, Thanks. I really appreciate that. It's nice to hear. We want to have that self-worth within us, but when we have a compliment, it's like the cherry on top of the Sunday, I say. It's a little extra. It's like, Oh, I thought I did good, but now other people are also giving me that feedback. That can really bump up my self-worth. That can really bump up me believing that I did do a good job. It's nice to get that feedback, and that I matter to that person, and they matter to me. That's what I'm saying. This is way bigger. The reframing isn't like, Oh, instead of thinking they're just saying that, reframing is like, That's somebody that is kind, taking the time, wanting to know that I made a difference in their life, or wanting me to know they appreciate something or admire something, there's no harm in just saying, Thanks, I appreciate that, and taking that in. Because when you can accept that kindness, even if it feels a little uncomfortable, even a natural sometimes, It's an opportunity for you to connect and for you to grow and for you to create your new core beliefs and to change these negative thoughts into more balanced thoughts.

Because when we really let it sink in and we can really take it in, We're really acknowledging that we value ourselves and we can honor the people that offer them to us. And that's where circling back to connecting with others, you create more of that space to do that. You can feel more joyful grateful. It can increase your own self-confidence, your own self-worth. So it's not just for ourselves, but for everyone in our world as well. And you're doing the same when you give compliments to someone. There's a piece of evidence you can look at, too. Am I complimenting them because I want them to be my friend. I don't think you probably have ill intent or selfish motives, but you're complimenting someone because you really feel that way and you're thinking, Oh, I want them to know that they do matter and they make a difference in my life, and I like them. I like to hang out with them. Whatever your compliment's about, the evidence that I'm doing it from a sincere place can be evidence that they're also doing it from a sincere place. If you start to question compliment. So when people can...

When you can, I'm sorry, take a compliment, it's a small way of someone saying, I see you, and we all want to be seen. Lots of people I've talked to say, I just feel invisible. I feel like no one sees me. It's good to feel that you've been seen. And so it's an opportunity to just say thanks and to have a moment of, That felt good. I really appreciate that. I didn't see that coming. I appreciate they took the time to let me know how they felt or how I affected their lives. I'm telling you, I feel that way, which I tell you guys all the time. When I get your emails and you tell me how the podcast have helped, very humbling. I have cried over some of these emails. I am just like, I didn't see that coming. I don't go on my computer every day looking for emails, but when they do come and I see them, I say, Wow, that's really nice. I really appreciate how vulnerable you guys have been with the emails and sharing with me about your life and which podcasts have been helpful. It really does make a difference for me because it helps me keep going doing the podcast.

As I'm here doing them, I'm by myself, obviously, and I put them out there, and it just goes out to the universe. And I'm like, Well, I hope it helps, but I don't know. And when I get that feedback from you guys, I'm like, Okay, let's go do another one because it is helping other people. So you guys sharing is a compliment to me that it does make a difference, and please keep going. And I'm like, Okay, I'm going to go. That is my evidence that my podcast are making a difference. So I do appreciate you taking the time. It does take time to sit down, get on the computer, write out an email, share your feelings, which may be difficult, all that vulnerability you share with me. And it really makes a difference, and it serves both of us. So I'm just going to say thank you as I finish off this podcast. So I hope this was helpful. I hope maybe it made you start thinking about yourself a little bit. If you're not comfortable taking compliments or if there's someone close to you that you see is uncomfortable with it, maybe you can talk them through it or share this podcast with them.

So you guys know where to find me.

Just to repeat like I did at the beginning of the podcast…. My website is mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com. You can find how to reach me there, the books I recommend, there's newsletters, there's videos, there's lots of good stuff on there that you can benefit from as well.

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