Episode #43

Taking Ownership Of Your Time

Has this last year made you more aware of how precious time is?

Would you like to learn how to use and value the time you have better?

In this episode, Dr Julie Osborn talks about our relationship with time, how other cultures use this most precious resource and what you can do to better use the time you have.

She also discusses some negative tendencies we may display in our relationship with time, and how you can use the power of cognitive behavioral therapy to overcome them.

Click the link below to listen now!

Books referenced in this episode:

Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel By Changing The Way You Think

by Dennis Greenberger

Full Episode Transcript

Hello, my name is Dr. Julie Osborn. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life. In this podcast, I answer your questions and share with you practical ways to apply CBT principles so you can achieve a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in your life and relationships.

In this episode, we're going to take a closer look at having an awareness of time.

I thought this be a good topic because I, for one, am more aware of my time going through this pandemic this past year. I can't believe it's been a year! Talk about time - it goes by so fast, right? And to be more aware of it, because I want to use my time in ways that are important to me and I don't want time to go by so fast that I miss out on things.

You know, when we get right down to it, we have to draw one inescapable conclusion. And that time is our most important asset. And like most assets, there never seems to be enough of it right. There always so many things to do, so many pressures, too many things to keep track of. Our lives seem to whiz by. And where has their time gone? If time is their most important asset, why do we know so little about it and why do we stay so busy?

It accomplished so little. Our accomplishments all that important in the overall scheme of our lives. In a sense, when we simplify our lives and become aware of the rhythms of life that occur internally, we can cultivate our sense of time. We can gain self-knowledge that generally escapes us when within the bustle of our daily lives. We want to find out what's important to us and what our values think of what modern day life encourages us to do. We need to keep up with the news, drive to work, perform meticulously on the job.

We need to work overtime, maintain a spiritual life, have as many friends and a few deeper relationships. Be a good partner and perhaps a good parent. Keep up with TV, movies and books, music and all the new ideas. Travel, have several hobbies, dress in the right fashion, spend time on the Internet, keep good credit, be a good neighbor and participate in the community, do volunteer work, take classes, exercise and so it goes.

Did I miss anything? I'm a little winded just from talking about all that. It's little wonder that many of us feel so pressured. And in the end what really matters is how well we have lived, not necessarily how much we have done. And I can relate to this because I think I am definitely, you know, more type A, I get things done and more organized. I can multitask. And I learned when I have my kids, my husband was very helpful here, was about letting things go and being more present in time and not having to get everything done and being on top of everything and and things happen.

You know, I want to be ready and, you know, be at a party and my enfin all of a sudden throws up on her, you know, beautiful dress. So now we got to stop and clean her and get all that taken care of. And I just learned to just let things go. And and even in my life, you know, my kids are grown now, but, you know, I'll be home after work. I'm kind of tired and there's things I could do around the house.

And I just sometimes say, I'll take care of it tomorrow because it's not that important, because my time is more important. It's more important. I have time with my husband when I come home. You know, if one of my kids is here and I want to hang out with them, then folding the laundry, that was important to me. And that's why I want to think about that and not have all these pressures of our society with the list I just gave you of all the things to keep up on, because it can be overwhelming.

But, you know, I had to get to a point to stop and say, how do I want to spend my time and what's important and, you know, kind of take an inventory to make those changes. Like all things natural, our bodies have internal rhythms. So there's times during the day or even the month or the year when we do things well, quickly and easily. We have spurts of energy when we're at our best. And there are other times when our bodies cry out for rest, for downtime, to try to be the most productive during this part of the cycle is futile and it leads to a great increase in stress in our body.

This is the one fact related to some disturbing societal trends. So the incidence of cardiovascular immune deficiency diseases in Americans over the last few decades have been astounding, not to mention increased rates of depression, family destruction and substance abuse. So many cultures incorporate these natural body cycles into the rhythms of daily life. So if you think of the English with their afternoon tea or Hispanic cultures with their afternoon siesta and virtually everything closes down in America, we punish ourselves for feeling less than productive at all times.

We drink another cup of coffee for caffeine rush and then we plod ahead, trying to accomplish all we can, even when our bodies are crying out for some air in our time. So we lose awareness of our need to rest to do nothing. The irony of all this, of course, is that if we could get in touch with the body's natural rhythms alternating between periods of activity and rest, we'd be much more productive in the long run. But, you know, our society tells us that's not OK.

You're lazy, lazy. Read. A recent poll found that the average American had thirty seven percent more leisure time in 1973 than now. All of our technological advances, like computers and cell phones and email and text messages, social media sites and computerized gadgets everywhere don't really give us more time. Contrary to popular myth, if anything, the contribute to time pressure giving in to this press. Research to isolate us from other people so we no longer have the time for easy personal conversation that tends to buffer us from anxiety and disease, weasely anger when someone slows down or interrupts her concentration.

We pay more attention to small, urgent details rather than developing awareness of the most important things in our lives. Our self-esteem drops and we feel that we can never keep up or do all that we should be doing. We may lose sleep poorly, avoid exercise and rely on sweets, alcohol and other drugs to keep us going. So when I was just saying right now that we feel that we can never keep up or do all that, we should be doing that.

That's really your thoughts. I can never keep up. I should always be doing more. Those are all her thoughts, you guys. Those are thoughts that are not 100 percent true. What is keeping up mean? Right. You need to ask yourself, maybe you really are keeping up, but you just putting too much on your plate or what is it that what is this that I should be doing right. Remember this rude word of should is scold.

So you're scolding yourself when you're telling yourself you should be doing more. They should be doing more, you know, doing, doing, doing it's like stop. I mean, we don't need to do anything. We just need to sit down, you know, and just do nothing and respect ourselves in our body that, you know, we just need to chill out and not think about much and just take a break. So we use the word feel a lot about expressing really how we're thinking.

So just be aware of that. You know, it's just a habit. I mean, I still do it. You know, I feel this way, feel that way. But it's really my thoughts. So, you know, be aware of the thoughts and what you're telling yourself about your time and how it should be there. I'm saying should. Yeah. And how it should be feel what I'm saying. I'm saying I should be doing this.

I should be doing that where maybe none of that's really true. It's not 100 percent true for sure. And how do I want to change that? You know, until the Middle Ages, there were no clocks. Other cultures even now measure time more in terms of seasons or other natural cycles than by hours and minutes, just two or three generations ago. People have much more free time just to be to enjoy, to develop more meaningful relations. This is not to suggest that we should go back in time because we can't.

But we do need to get in touch with their more natural internal rhythms, which are a primary source of stability and health, and incorporate this awareness into our everyday lives rather than trying to squeeze more activities into the time we have about available. It may be more helpful to examine what is really meaningful in our lives and to devote our time to those pursuits. The quality of life can be much more meaningful than the quantity of things we try to cram into our lives.

In other words, we may need to develop a new relationship both with ourselves into time. I think in the past I used to be really impressed when, you know, people just did a million things. And now when I hear them, I'm like, Oh, I wouldn't want that.

I really look at it differently because I just value my time so much. So some steps to taking ownership of your time. Right. I want to give you some direction, some tools here. So take a periodic review of what's important in your life, reflect and how you have spent the past month or year. What have you accomplished? How does it fit into what you want in your life? What's really important in your life? What do you value most?

May want to make a list to note the things you want to keep and the things you should throw out of your life. You may even conclude that cutting back on work, although it might reduce your income, will actually improve the overall quality of your life. Does that extra money really buy you the things that are most important, especially when you don't have the time to enjoy them? Could it really be true that the best things in life are free?

The most important things in life are really not things at all when in doubt, choose simplicity. My husband taught me this when he always says Keep it simple because I can make it complicated. A world presents so many possibilities, it is impossible to keep up with everything we really need to watch. Every episode of favorite TV show or a live is going to be any different if we stop watching the news every night. In fact, this is a good thing to try.

I've many of my clients that I share that they just need to stop watching the news because it just stresses them out so much it makes them depressed. So that's something to be mindful of. Do we really need to stay constantly aware of our cell phones rather than spending a fortune on entertainment or a night out? Wouldn't a quiet night talking to a close friend at home be more meaningful? Do we need to give expensive gifts? When I hear me, greeting will convey the same message.

The simpler choices allow us to be more in touch with our time and things that really matter to us. And again, if I think about, you know, you might say I want to spend money or let the person I buy an expensive gift, you know, think if you've ever gotten a A card that's been handmade, you know, or someone just baked some cookies for you or some banana bread, you know, did you enjoy that? Did you understand and really feel the time the person put into it?

And if you enjoyed it, then the person that you give to will enjoy it as well. So you can think about it that way. You also want to move into the present. Our lives become a huge mess of schedule. And our thoughts seem to focus on what is, quote, out there or rhythms and become determined by the pressured world we inhabit, we've become more concerned with the there and then and not the here and now, a beneficial exercise to make time throughout the day just to experience the moment, immerse yourself in the present, become more aware of your internal state.

At these times, stress stresses can soften. Let this inner awareness rather than the external frenzy guide your everyday experience. This is the clue to learn about what is truly important in your life. Absorbing yourself in the present moment is exhilarating and can make you feel truly alive. Your internal knowledge is now the source of what controls your life, not the mundane pressures of the world around you. And being present, I want to say, is easier said than done.

I know I have a podcast talking about the need for presents, but it's worth repeating that, you know, all you have is is now, you know, the past is gone. We can plan for the future, but who knows what's going to even happen tomorrow. So being present, sometimes I'll tell my clients, you know, you might need to come back to the present moment four or five hundred times in a day. If you're just thinking here and thinking there, especially when people are anxious, it's all about the future.

So, you know, just being present when they say stop and smell the roses, I mean, that's literally what they mean. You know, I take walks as part of my exercise, and I have definitely made a point over this past year to be more present and notice things in the area where I'm walking and notice, you know, the birds and the trees and certain flowers I never noticed before. And, you know, really is a way to keep me present, which is my intent when I'm taking a walk.

It's not for me to think about all my problems. It's about being present and rejuvenating myself. I also want to travel to the beat of your own drum so your body has its own rhythms. Learn what they are. Some of us are night owls and some of us are larks, meaning morning people. Some of us have slumps in the mid-afternoon. The value of being true to your body's circadian rhythm is invaluable to you to understand that respect what your body's trying to tell you.

All of nature follows a cyclical pattern. Had to cold day to night activity to hibernation. Humans have periods of productivity and energy followed by a need for rest. We need a cycle from doing to being, you know, really great psychiatrists. And I remember when I first met him, I was surprised that his schedule started at 2:00 in the afternoon and he worked till 10:00 at night. So we put in eight hours. But he was a night owl and he knew he was.

So he was like, that's what I'm going to start. I'm going to start at 2:00 in the afternoon. And it worked for him and it worked for his clients, too. You know, some people liked the nighttime appointments, but I always admired that he understood himself and that's the life that he created for himself. I can tell you, too, with my schedule, it's been so long, I don't completely remember. But I used to really work more around my clients schedules, so I kind of would be all over the place regarding coming into the office and what time I worked here and all that.

And and then I changed it years and years ago to most days I don't say to 11:00 a.m. hour till seven, but the mornings are me. I wanted my time for doing what I wanted to do when it's working out or five appointments or whatever it is I want to do with my morning, because in the past I would never get to me because everything else came above that. And I'm like, no, my time's really important. And I've had people going, you don't start to leave.

And I'm like, no, I don't go to leave. And you know what? Somehow it works out and people find the time for us to meet. And it's just a healthy boundary that I share with my clients that that's something they may need to do for themselves, too, that I know I'm better in the morning to get things done. And then I feel really rejuvenated even by 11 a.m. to get working and meet my clients, which I do love doing.

But I know I've taken care of myself first. So that's just an example of traveling to the beat of my own drum that that's what works best for me. Some of us have become so accustomed to adapting to the pressure of the external world that we've lost awareness of our internal state, the high that accompanies our adaption to the stresses of modern life becomes something like an addiction. The busier we are, the more we feel alive. Yet our anxieties increase and we lose track of the experiences which truly matter.

Our health deteriorates or relationships become more superficial and our sense of our own self evaporates. We long for something meaningful and we lack the tools for finding it. So the solution to the dilemma involves a paradox. We gain time by giving up time. So I'm going to have you do a simple mindfulness exercise to help you learn to slow down. And mindfulness is something we definitely teach is part of CBT is, you know, being in the moment, what am I thinking?

Relaxation exercises. So this is part of CBT as well. So first, before we begin, check out how much stress you're feeling right now and place it on a ten point scale. So, for example, your stress might be at a five or an eight next. Do you want to find yourself a comfortable chair, sit in it and find the position? You feel most relaxed. You want to close your eyes and keep them closed for the first five or so.

It takes to do this exercise, obviously, if you can't do it right now, you can come back and listen to the instructions. But I just want to give you an idea how to do this. So check out your face and see if you're holding any tension there around your eyes, cheeks your mouth, for example, then let go of the tension and let your face fall into its natural position. Don't rush yourself. Whatever time you need is fine.

Now, the only thing we're going to focus on is your breathing. Let go of your thoughts you're having, but allowing them to drift away into your focus only on your breathing. Feel your chest as it moves in and out, feel the air. It goes past your nose, your mouth, keep your body relaxed. It's common thoughts might start coming in and you just want to return to the breathing, be aware of each breath and feel how pleasurable it is to breathe, feel the pleasure of each breath in each breath out, every time you breathe, feel the pleasure of the breath.

We'll keep this up for the next two or three minutes. You breathe in, it feels good. You breathe out, it feels good. Breathe in, breathe out. Feel the simple pleasure of each breath. Now take two or more breaths and then open your eyes. What's your current stress level? On the ten point scale? You can do this exercise three or four times a day with your eyes closed for the first few days. Then try doing it with your eyes open.

It is so pleasant and it gives you such relaxed feeling that you will look forward to doing it. You can even do it while having a conversation with someone. When your eyes are open and the other person need never know that you're doing this. This is one route of self awareness, distressing and gaining a sense of your internal clock. I have told people that, you know, doing some deep breathing when you're driving, when you're in the office, you know, like they just you know, I just said right now, even when you're with someone that people can necessarily tell if you're doing the deep breathing, it's just being aware of your breath and being focused.

There's lots of apps out there that you can find as well. But I know you can have someone, you know, talk you through this, you know, like with the guided meditation. So this is just a quick little one just to be aware of your breathing and how you're feeling and if there's any tension that you're carrying with yourself.

So find what works best for you. Breathing is always important. A lot of us tend not to really breathe deep. You really get enough air and oxygen in our body to help us feel calm. But it really does take a lot of stress off and helps our body relax. And that's a good way for you to spend your time and be aware of how you want to spend your time. So when days get busy and you're feeling overwhelmed, this exercise is something you can do without even really stopping necessarily what you're doing.

Like, if you're talking with the friend or somebody, you can still just say, I'm just going to, you know, in my mind, be more aware of my breathing right now so I can relax and calm down and be more present. We always do different scoring with the cognitive therapy with my clients. We're always checking. How are you feeling now? Your moods improving because that's our goal. So that's why even with the breathing, when you do from zero to 10 stress level, it kind of can tell you where you're at.

So use this however you feel will benefit you. Think about again your time and how do you want to spend your time and are you spending your time in ways you want to? And if you don't or if you're not there, make a change. It's never too late. I ask a lot of my clients, God forbid, when you're on your deathbed, can you look back at your life and feel good about how you lived your life? Are you going to say, I did work too much?

I wish I spent more time with my kids or I went on that trip. I wanted to go on that. I never thought I'd have the time or didn't want to spend the money. So life is precious. Time is precious. And if you treated that way, you'll feel good about the choices that you're making and in turn you'll feel good about yourself. Your mood will be good. You'll be able to use all the tools you're learning here at the cognitive therapy, making your thoughts more positive, more balanced, and that can help you make better choices in your life.

So that's it for today. I hope it was helpful for you.

If you have a burning therapy question you love answered, you can email me at MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com and you can rest easy knowing I will always keep your name confidential, I will never share it on the air.

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Thanks for joining me. Stay safe and I'll see you next week.

And remember, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel. Take care.