Episode #153

Dating & CBT

Many people are very lonely and would love to connect more with others, especially with a romantic partner. But dating can be challenging and stressful!

How can you use CBT tools to work through your loneliness and feel truly connected to people or to a special someone?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you how to empower yourself with CBT tools to start dating and to feel truly connected to another person.

Click to listen now!

 
 

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, it's Dr. Julie. Welcome to My CBT Podcast. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So thanks for joining me. As always, I wanted to share a really great email that I received from a listener that I thought be helpful and something we could talk about to get the show started.

So it says,

“Hi, Julie. I've just listened to your podcast. Welcome to CBT. I recently came out of a 10-year relationship. However, things are starting to get back on track with the relationship, although we were living apart for a while. I've had a very traumatic childhood, range you from my birth mother leaving when I was a toddler, being brought up solely by my late father. I've had many different issues in my life, many traumas through adulthood, which in turn has affected my moods, which in turn has affected my relationship. Negative thoughts are my main problem: angry, no rationalizing or understanding of certain things about my partner's behaviors. I can really do with some advice and guidance. Many thanks.”

So thank you. You know who wrote that! I'm just keeping the name anonymous.

We got to understand how our childhood and different traumatic events in our life will continue to come up if we don't address them. They are significant, and it isn't something you just get past as you get older, but it's something need to pay attention to and honor for yourself. We usually start to address them like this reader or this listener sent in about it's affecting her relationship now. And I tell everybody, when you're ready to work on your stuff, you'll work on your stuff. I mean, so many people are like, Oh, I wish I did this when I was 20 something or whatever. And I say, Well, for whatever reason, maybe you weren't ready, you weren't aware, maybe it wasn't really affecting your life as much as it is now. So the point is being present and saying, Are there things going on in my life now that I need help with, and how can I address that? So my advice to her at the time was I referred her back to some of my podcasts on core beliefs, a newer one I did on or fears.

I have one on post-traumatic stress, childhood issues. So there's a lot of good podcasts that I've done in the past that will give you more insight, more understanding, and start learning the CBT tools. You can start using them in your life on a daily basis. But your trauma doesn't have to be with you the rest of your life. We can learn from it, we can grow, we can leave the negative, take some things that we've learned from it that might be beneficial. And understand ourselves better with some grace. So I just wanted to share that one. I thought that's something a lot of us can relate to. I share with her, I grew up with my dad, too. I had that in common with her. And later on in life, not having my with me for most of my childhood, I was eight when she left. And I did see her once a year, but she wasn't a daily, missed out on a lot of things, and that eventually did affect me, even though I didn't think it did until I started getting to relationships. So you never know when things are going to come up for you, but we just need to be aware of like, Okay, this isn't working for me.

Why am I choosing negative partners? Or why am I reacting so negatively? Or why do I feel like I need to run from this relationship to keep Be yourself safe when this is a good person. Those are the things just to be mindful of, or if somebody brings them up to you, just be open to that and at least take a look at it. If you're struggling with it and you're not getting the tools on your own or you're not getting the support that you need. That's a good time to go find a CBT therapist and start doing your work. I know I've mentioned before, usually at the end of the show, but I'll mention it now is I work with clients, but if I'm not able to work with you for where you're at or where you live, all that stuff. I also refer people to feelingoodinstitute. Com. They're all around the world. They're all CBT trained therapist, just as I am. And you just look it up, it'll say, Find a therapist, and you look up your location, and then the therapist that can work with you are there. So it's called feelingoodinstitute.

Com. That is my referral to find a CBT therapist, if that's what looking for. And you can always reach out to me also, mycbtpodcast@gmail. Com. If you want to work together, and if we can't, I, again, will give you that referral and put you in the right direction. What's most important is you get some help. That's what's most important, and you get a good fit with a therapist that can really make a difference for you. So talking about relationships is actually something I was going to talk about today. So again, that was a good email. And I was going to talk about actually getting out into the world in dating. So I work with a lot of clients that are trying to find a partner, a companion. A lot of people feel lonely out in the world. And that's been something that's been common for a long, long, long, long, long time. I know it's got to be about 25 years ago. I was at a conference and there's a guy named Dr. Patch Adams. I don't recall the movie at the moment, but he was in a movie. They made a movie about him, and he was a doctor.

He used to wear a nose clown to make the kids laugh and make them comfortable. But I remember when he spoke, the thing that stuck with me all these years is he talked about loneliness and how lonely people are, and that that's such a huge problem in the world, and it needs to be addressed. And people talk about it, but I don't think it's really addressed enough. Like, Oh, you're lonely? Well, go get busy, go get out, go do something with a friend. But that sometimes is just taking space up in your life. I think the loneliness is not truly feeling connected to another person. Having... It doesn't have to be just one person, of course, but having some people in your life that really fill you up, that you can really be authentic with, that you don't have to worry about trusting or sharing and making sure they're not going to say something. Just having people that are really there for you is what helps with the lowliness because it's not about just being alone. Some people like spending time alone. I think it's good to spend time alone at some times have some space for yourself.

So I look at loneliness, the issue more is, are you connecting with others? And going out and dating can be a really vulnerable place, bring up a lot of fears, which I'm going to talk about in a minute. But being rejected is a huge one. People are like, I'm going to be rejected. I'm going to be rejected. And so I'm just going to avoid. So I want to talk about how we can use your CBT tools to work through that. If this is something you want to do, if you're out there dating waiting and wanting to find a partner in your life and be aware of what's my resistance, what's my hesitancy? Am I being too nice? I'll talk about that. Am I not honoring myself regarding my own boundaries and just saying yes just because someone asked me out, whether or not I really am attracted or like them. It's not just, Oh, just get out there and you'll meet somebody. It's really honing in what's important to you and what are you looking for, and not just going out with anybody because you're lonely and just want somebody. So let me get a little more specific because I don't want to just ramble on about all the different issues.

And I'll mention it now. I'll mention later, but Dr. David Burns, who's also the Team CBT doctor that created Team CBT that I'm trained in, and that's what the Feeling Good Institute is connected with. But he wrote a book, wrote many books, but one of them is called Intimate Connections. It's a really great book about relationships. If you're looking for something to read about that subject, and he talks about the whole dating aspect, too. So I just wanted to share that because that's important. So again, I always ask my clients that are wanting to start a relationship is, let's first make a list of things I have to have, like deal breakers, and things I like to have. Because people go out into the world and they're like, okay, that person's cute, she's pretty. I'll go out. Of course, there needs to be some physical traction, but that's what gets this relationship maybe started. And then you have this connection, this physical connection. And then you start finding out some things about them and you're like, oh, that's not really okay with me, but let me give it more time. Maybe it'll change. I'm just not even going to deal with that.

The deal breaker is for you. It makes it harder once you have that connection with the person. So I say before you go there, and it makes it even harder to make good decisions for yourself, let's make a list of deal-breakers. What are those? Those maybe be the same religion, might be if the person is educated. Where does the person want to live? You might want to be in your family, and you're not willing to move from where you are. Certain interests. Oh, definitely. Do you want to have children or not? Does the person already have children? That might be a deal breaker for you. Whatever is important to you, you're not being too picky because it's important to you, whatever that might be. And then your list of like, oh, it'd be nice if this person had these aspects as well. So when you know what you're looking for, you're going to be able to attract that more easily, and you're going to notice these things when you first meet the person so you can make a good decision going forward before you get emotionally attached and then it's harder to move on and you dismiss stuff.

So that's really important. And to really honor yourself in that way and know that you are worthy and you're lovable and you deserve to have someone like that in your life. So again, the biggest thing I think that I hear, again, is being rejected, the fear of rejection because we take that so personal. Now, I tell everybody, you're going to reject people and people are going to reject you. You're not going to like everybody you meet. You're not probably going to say yes to everyone that asks you out. That's rejecting them. But it's part of life. As I say, life is messy. We need to deal with all of those emotions. Instead of like, I'm not even going to put myself out there because I'll be rejected. What does that mean to you that you're being rejected? That's really the issue, and that's where we can use your CBT tools. What are your hot thoughts connected to being rejected? I'm going to share some possible ones that I'm unworthy, I'm bound to be alone, I fail in relationships, I'm not attractive, I'm not worth having somebody love and care for me. These are the hot thoughts that come from experiencing being rejected.

I really get into words. I think rejected is such a strong word, and that's why it creates such negative thoughts connected to it and probably your physical reactions and your behaviors of just like, Forget it. I'm not even going to put myself out there, which creates the loneliness. Okay, that person wasn't interested in me. It's different. I was Rejected. Rejected sounds like this big red check and you're thrown off the cliff. If I'm going to put myself out there because I really want to meet somebody, I have to be ready, then not everyone's going to want to go out with me. Not everyone's attracted to me, and vice versa. And you can't take it all personal because you're just not going to put yourself out there or create that energy or that space to really meet that person. So you need to ask yourself, if I'm fearful of being rejected, then what are the hot thoughts underlying? What are those fears? Do you have a core belief that you're bound to be abandoned? Because if you are, that's just going to keep come, Oh, see, they're not interested. Oh, see, they're not interested. Nobody wants to be with me because it's coming from that real deep core issue of that you're bound to be abandoned.

That's something you want to work through. The cognitive distortions that can connected with your identity, who you are, is the all or nothing, where I say, I always fell in relationships. Having that catastrophic thinking, I'm never going to meet anybody. With dating, you're probably doing a lot of mind reading. Assuming what other people... And fortune telling, assuming what Where people are going to be thinking what they're going to do, how they're going to react, why didn't they like you, what's wrong with you, what I should, another cognitive distortion, I should have worn this, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have asked that personal question. This is all stuff. You remember we got way too many thoughts going on, 80 to 90,000 a day. So you can only imagine when you're in a stressful situation, you just got hundreds going on. So knowing your cognitive distortions is really important because those are going to be also getting in the way of you putting yourself out there and really creating the life that you want. So talking about the core beliefs for one more minute is changing your core beliefs to that, I am lovable. Having that self-love really is the first place.

I think people think it's a cliché when they say you need to love yourself first to get love from others, but that's true. If you're out there and you don't even love yourself and you don't have good self-esteem and you don't think you're worthy, You're not going to attract a healthy person in your life. You're going to be looking for someone. This is very unconscious stuff, but you're going to be looking for someone to rescue you. Make me feel loved, make me feel secure. Give me that reassurance. That's not someone's That's your job to feel that way about yourself. Our person in our life, obviously, does make us feel even more loved and can give us some security and can help us grow and be more of who we want to be. But that's about 20 %, 80 % needs to come from within all of us that we feel secure, we feel that we're lovable. We feel that we're attractive. We can put ourselves out there in the world and feel confident that if that person is not interested, that's I'm going to go and meet somebody else. And hey, I'm glad they're not...

Or I'm glad I realized they're not interested early on, so I didn't waste my time because it wasn't going to go anywhere. I know I'm still a good person just because that person didn't want to go out with me is not a reflection of who I am. Just as if I'm not interested in someone else, it's not reflecting who they are. For whatever reason, I'm not connecting, and that's okay. So these are a lot of things to think about that might be getting in the way of you even putting yourself out there. When you are ready to put yourself out there, as I've talked before with CBT, one of the number one tools is exposure experiments, where you're exposing yourself to what you are anxious, scared of. What you're avoiding. An exposure experiment you could work on is the rejecting approach. What is that? That's when you are going to approach someone that you find attractive. Knowing you could be rejected, although often your fears are unfounded. Often you meet someone and you're like, Oh, that actually worked out okay. We had a conversation. Now you might be rejected, but putting yourself out there, you need to see that it's probably not is horrible and terrible and scary as you're making it out to be.

And you're exposing yourself like, Okay, yeah, that didn't go anywhere, or that person didn't ask for my number, or we didn't end up having anything to talk about. That's okay. Let me go find somebody else I want to talk to, say, if you're out and about or in a group, right? But you want to take that moment after you do the experiment, if it didn't work, to say, Okay, what happened here? And get recentered knowing that you're still okay and you can handle things and you're still lovable and as wonderful as you are when you started the conversation. And that knowing it probably will take, as they say, a few people, right? The old Disney saying, I got to kiss a bunch of frogs to find your prince. I I think that came from Disney. I don't know. But anyways, meaning that I need to meet some people and put myself out there. Until I meet the person, that's for me. So think about what are some exposure experiments I can do focusing on being rejected. Another one, if you really can find, I guess, the courage, I would say, what Dr. Burns talks about too a lot is over and just really putting yourself out there is purposely go out to get rejected.

Just go up to people, Hi, started conversation. They may turn away. They may not be interested. Do 10 people in a night and still walk away and be like, I'm still okay. I'm still who I am. Nothing's changed about me. And see it's not as scary. It can be disappointing sometimes. Not saying you're not going to have any negative moods. I might hear about just like, whatever, whatever, but that you're not going to get crushed. And you can keep finding places where you want to meet people and keep being vulnerable and putting yourself out there enough to meet and make connections and see how that goes for you. I also thought about doing this podcast when I was listening to a song from Wicked called Defying Gravity. A lot of you guys might have heard of it before. And what I took from that, there was a line in there that talked about, if I'm not flying, I'm not quoting the song, you guys, but if I'm not flying with you, I'm still flying on my own. So what I wrote down, I said, it's desirable to want to be in a relationship, but I could fly on my own.

So that brings us back to having that self-confidence, right? Like, yeah, it's a desirable want. It's normal. We want to be connected. But if I don't have it, I can fly on my own. And that comes back to the self-love I was just talking about, right? Again, it's not that all or nothing. I have to be with someone or I'm not lovable, right? You don't want the distortions. So that's something you want to say to yourself. It's desirable to want to be in a relationship, but I can fly on my own. When I heard that in the song, I stopped and I wrote it down. And I'm like, Oh, I want to remember that because that's what is really about that self-love, that self-confidence, really honoring yourself, that, yes, I want someone in my life, but I can fly on my own until that happens because I'm not going to give up what's important to me. I'm not going to settle just to have somebody with me. So that's really important. Another tool I want to share is, again, from Dr. Burns, called the pleasure predicting sheet. So what this is is before you go out to maybe meet somebody, right?

I want you to write down on a piece of paper from zero to 100, how much do I think I will enjoy having pleasure from going out on this date and getting to know this person. A lot of times we tend to minimize it like, I don't know how it's going to be. It's going to be so-so. So before you go out, you want to think about that. And then afterwards, you come back to your piece of paper and actually rate how enjoyable it was. Because a lot of times we end up enjoying it more than we thought we would. And when we don't think it's going to be good, that's where we have all those hot thoughts. So it's just a little thing to check in with, right? And say to yourself, Yeah, you know what? It was Actually, it was actually nicer than I thought it was going to be. Because I didn't think it was going to be that nice, maybe I helped myself back a little bit at the beginning, maybe took a little time to get comfortable. I want to be a little more open next time I go out with this person or someone else and assume like this, I'm going to enjoy myself and let's see how it goes.

You also want to use the tools I've talked to you about reframing your thoughts, right? That instead of thinking like, Oh, it's all going to be bad, or I don't deserve to have a good person, or I'm being too picky, as I mentioned before, with the things that you want. I would reframe that. I'm not being too picky, right? These are my values. These are the things that are most important to me. This is what helps me feel loved and feel connected to someone else. Why do I care about these things if other people are like, Oh, that's really not important, or, again, you're being too picky about this or that, or you should just find somebody and figure it out? It's like, no. The reframing is that these are my core values, and this is maybe my morals, whatever that means to you, whatever those are, that I'm going to stand by until I meet that person that aligns with that because that's what's going to make a long term relationship work for me. So reframing that and the interactions that you have. All of this can make things less intimidating, especially if you tend to be a worrier about what's going to happen, what's going to happen.

So let me reframe my social interactions also that what I've been talking about, okay, that didn't work out. We didn't connect, versus I've been rejected, right? Because when you say I've been rejected, it's such a personal attack on your own self-worth and who you are as a person, and that's just not okay. And you need to give yourself some more grace and some more love, knowing that most people just don't go out and meet their person, right? That just usually doesn't happen. Maybe you have a story. I really don't even have one to share where someone just went out and met their person, and that was one and done. So when you are ready to go out and meet somebody, it's important to allow yourself to be open and be vulnerable because this is what can really create the deeper connections. And those are all the things we're normally scared of, right? Being vulnerable, being open. Because why? My half thought is, if I do that, I'm going to get hurt. Well, it's a half thought because there is some truth in that, but I'm also predicting what's going to happen, and I don't know.

But What else does that say? If I get hurt, can I handle it? If you're telling yourself you can't, there's another thought record there. You can't handle getting hurt. I'm sure there's times in your life you've been hurt and you've gotten through it. It's not always easy. You need your moment and time to feel sad and process what's going on. But you can handle whatever comes your way. You want to remember that. We all are going to have things that come our way. Even when you're in a happy, loving relationship, you're still going to have things happen in your life. You have the strength to to be vulnerable. You have the strength to be open. And if you do get hurt, you also have the strength to work through that and hopefully learn from that and hopefully make you feel even more, feel stronger, feel more confident. So The point here, I hope you can hear what I'm saying is you're really going to grow from this and to not let your fear, your mood, fear of rejection, hold you back. And one last thing I want to say about connecting to others is having some self-acceptance and understanding others' perspectives in life is going to help you build stronger and more intimate connections.

As a therapist, as a person, really as a person first, why I end up being a therapist is I'm so curious about people. I'm so interested why they do what they do, why they think the way they do. It's very interesting to me, and I get really curious. And part of that helps me with having an understanding for other people's perspectives. It doesn't mean I agree with them all the time, but okay, that's why you think this way. This is why you do that. And normally, when you get to know somebody, it makes sense, even if it's unhealthy. Oh, That's how you ended up having addiction problems. That's how you ended up picking your last partner. Whatever it might be, we can accept ourselves and we have that self-love. It's going to help you understand, again, other people's perspectives. Is. And again, that's how you can build stronger, more intimate connections. So I'm just repeating myself because I want you guys to hear that. The goal here is to build stronger, more intimate connections. And that's what Dr. Burns' book talks about, is intimate connections. And I did mention, sorry, I just remembered because I wanted to address when I said, Oh, I'm being too nice.

I've met people, I'm thinking maybe you've had experience where you've met people who said, Oh, I'm just too nice. I've heard this more for men than women, but I'm too nice. Nobody wants to go out with me. I'm everybody's guy friend. And that can be true. And it's the same for women, too. Women can be too nice. What does that mean? Being too nice does mean you're not honoring your boundaries. You're not sticking to your own values, whatever your morals might be. You're too nice like, Oh, okay, we'll just go out, or I feel sorry for that person, or I'm going to let that slide, right? Being too nice isn't really attracting It might be for the first hour, but I believe people are really attracted to someone that is self-confident and has healthy boundaries and states what they need and what's important to them and what they're not willing to put up with. That's attractive. Being a strong emotional person and showing who you are is much more attractive than just like, Okay, okay, okay, and you go along, you go along, you go along. And as I've shared As I said before, anxious people are the nicest people you've ever met in your life because they tend to just say yes, yes, yes, and go along and don't bring up issues because they're anxious and they don't want to rock the boat.

But they're anxious which isn't healthy. I don't want you to be an anxious person. I don't want you to be a person that deals with anxiety all the time. And the behavior is, Oh, if I'm nice, there won't be any conflict and everything will go okay. But that doesn't really last. And I'm not looking for a nice person. I want to have somebody in my life that has thoughts on issues and has their own beliefs and respects themselves and can share and push back if they need to be like, No, I'm not okay with that, or I'm not just going to go along with that. We need to talk through this. We need to compromise. That's attractive. If someone's always like, Oh, no, you pick the restaurant. Oh, no, whatever you want. We'll go whatever you want to do. You make the decisions. That might sound nice at first, but trust me, after a while, you're like, Oh, my God, just make a decision. Make a decision. You pick the restaurant, right? You want someone to have some strength about them, some opinions, be able to have conversations. So that's why I say being nice isn't just the way to go.

Who are you? Put that out into the world. You are lovable, you are desirable, you are worthy of whatever relationship you want. Put that out into the world and be open to other people's perspectives and get to know them, and then you will find that person. And one last thing, where do I even start? I know a lot of people are in dating apps. It's a world I was never involved in. And I really can empathize from working with so many clients how challenging it can be. It's been a lot of success out there, but it almost can be a full-time job from what I'm told. I mean, just checking the emails and people ghosting you and you don't know if you're being catfished, and it's a whole other thing. The apps, I'm not saying not to use them, but I know it can be exhausting. Another way to meet people, which really is the number one way to meet somebody that you're going to connect with is if you do some group activity that is acting like, I know people that go line dancing. I know people like to hike. I know people... If you go to the gym, but you go to a class, the same one every week.

If you go somewhere that people are doing something you enjoy and you're regular at showing up to it, you're going to start making those connections. And then you already have that thing that you enjoy as something that's common with that person. That's the best way to meet somebody is in a group setting doing something you enjoy. So you have something in common, a great thing to start talking about and being able to enjoy. And maybe if you're hiking, Hey, let's go on this other hiking group, or I hike here, you want to come with me. So if you're like, I'm not really sure even where to start, Dr. Julie, that would be my recommendation. I really brainstorm with my clients, What's an activity you enjoy and how can we get you within a group setting? And to be open and say hi and smile and make some eye contact, let people know you're interested in talking and connecting with them because your body language is going to show a lot as well. But all the layers behind this is your CBT tools. What's going on if I'm not meeting the right person? What's going on if I'm not even putting myself out there?

Am I afraid to be rejected? Do I have these core beliefs that I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough, nobody's going to want to be with me? That's getting in the way. And be able to use your tools Work on your self-worth, your self-love, do some exposure experiments. There's lots of different options here, but it's something to know, how do I date? I put myself out there. I talk to as many people as I can. I honor who I am and the right person is going to be attracted to me. Those are some tips. I hope you got your thinking. I hope you can think about what are some CBT tools that I'm already using already that can be helpful. If you're new to my podcast, I have lots of podcasts to go back, listen to about the ABCs of CBT, my core beliefs, my core fears. Those all really start getting to the issues really quickly so you can start working on what is getting in your way so that you can create the life that you deserve and to honor yourself at the same time. So I hope this was helpful. Got you thinking about some things.

Share this with someone you know that might be single that is looking to meet somebody. You guys know how you can find me at my website, mycognitbehavioraltherapy.com.

You can also find me on Instagram under My CBT Podcast, and Dr. Julie Osborn on Facebook.

Please keep sharing your thoughts, your concerns, your questions. I love hearing from you and getting your feedback.

Please hit the subscribe button to make sure you never miss an episode.

Remember on my website, if you hit the store tab, I have a lot of fun merchandise that you can look through, and it has my mantra. It's designed to help you go towards your own therapy goals, and you can find that at mycbt.store.

And also on that page, the books I talk about are on the bottom of the page there. Dr. Burns' books and My Mind Over Mood workbook is there as well. So you can be sure you're getting the right book and it can help you along the way.

And again, the one I talked about today is called Intimate Connections. That also is Dr. David Burns.

And as always, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.