Episode #130

Vacations, Holidays & CBT

Vacations (or holidays!) are amazing! But sometimes we can put so much pressure on ourselves to ‘relax, relax, relax’ that we end up needing a vacation from our vacation!

So how can you get the most out of your precious vacation time?

How can you have reasonable expectations?

How can you really relax?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you some amazing CBT tools that will really help you relax and enjoy your vacation.

Click to listen now!

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, it's Dr. Julie, and I'm a doctor of psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So thanks for being with me. I'm going to start off with a great response I got on my Instagram account. I was talking about that I had my four-year anniversary, the end of March, which was pretty exciting for my podcast. I couldn't believe I just realized I know I started March 2020 when COVID hit, and I realized it's been four years. So I put out a video. You can see if you don't follow me on Instagram, I'm under my CBT podcast. And just thinking all of you guys again for your support and following and sharing and posting, reposting my podcast to get to more people. Just want to be able to reach more people.

So I wanted to read something someone posted. So it says,

“Congratulations. That's amazing. Was learning a lot and having some growth on my recovery journey, but mostly felt stuck until I found an incorporated tools from your podcast. After only a few months, I've had more growth and relief than I've had in years. I still have a long way to go, but I'm so grateful that I was able to come this far. Thank you for your amazing podcast. I'll take these tools with me for the rest of my life. Your mantra helps me make better decisions, and I'm often stopping to tell myself, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel. Thank you for everything.”

So thank you, thank you. And I love your feedback. Again, if you listen also to me on Apple, you can leave a review, which really gets the word out even more. So I appreciate you guys taking the time to reach out and giving me your feedback because it does mean a lot to me. And I still think after all this time, I didn't really realize how much it's been helpful, how many people I reach. So definitely keeps me going. So today I'm going to do a fun podcast. I got an idea from a listener about talking actually about vacations, which I would say is also self-care, and how to manage your vacation so you don't let your expectations get in the way, and how you're thinking about how the vacations should be.

So first, let me talk about just taking time off. I know in different countries, they have better time off than we do here in the USA, which I really respect and admire because I think those other countries really see the benefit in taking time off of work and recharging yourself. So when you come back, you're going to be more focused and motivated and all that stuff. If you can take time off, it's so important. People don't take enough time off. I have so many clients that never take their vacation. They're just working, working, working. And I can tell you many times when I take my two weeks off, most of my clients are like, Two weeks? And I'm like, Yeah, it takes me a week to just decompress from work and get more present where I'm at and enjoying my time. So there's a purpose in doing that to really get a chunk of time off. If that's not manageable or financially, you feel like you can't do that. I really encourage my clients to just do a mental health day, so maybe taking off a Friday or Monday and having a long weekend. But find that time, especially if you have vacation time, use That's what it's for.

We're not supposed to work all the time. And vacations are not just for you, but whoever you're with to connect with and have that quality time. They say, Are you living to work or working to live? And there's always a balance. Hopefully, you like what you do, but hopefully, you're also working so you can have the life that you want. And to really take your time and take advantage of that. A lot of you know that in 2021, I went through cancer and had to go through all those ugly things that come along with it. And it's really changed my skew about not waiting anymore, and I'm taking more vacations, and I'm going places I've never been before because I hope that I will retire and be able to do all these wonderful things, but I know that there is no guarantee because things can happen overnight, which was my experience. I'm not saying this in a negative way, like, Oh, my God, I'm going to die tomorrow, but I'm looking at it in a positive way. If it just made me be more mindful and present to enjoy my life and know that I do know I have right now and I'm able to do these things and go on different trips, physically push myself more than I'll be able to probably in 10, 20 years.

So I'm taking advantage of that now. A lot of people are like, Oh, when I retire, I'm going to do A, B, and C. And I hope to do, but again, I don't know what's going to happen in my life. So I'm taking advantage now because I can, and I'm making memories with my family and my friends, and that's what's most important to me. So taking a vacation, there's a lot more to it than just, Oh, it's vacation. It is making those memories. It's taking advantage of the time right now when you're well enough to do that to make that happen. And so on a psychological point of view, again, it's just really being present and saying, I'm going to enjoy my life right now because this I know I have. This I have a little bit of control over. I don't have too much control over the future. I'm going to plan for it, and hopefully I'll be well, but you never know. So when I do go on vacation, I'm also more in tune to being present in the moment and being so grateful that wherever I'm at, wherever I'm at, wherever I'm with, that I am with them, and I get to do and have that experience because then I'll have the rest of my life.

Look at it as a bigger picture than just, Oh, I need some time off. That's important And of course. But say, Am I living my life being present? Why am I not doing these things now? What am I waiting for? And again, if money is an issue, which I totally understand, then just make it small, make it shorter. You could stay in town and do a staycation. Years ago, I know we did that when my kids were younger. We went just to the city about an hour from me, and it was great, and it was totally affordable. We didn't have to get on a We found a good deal, found activities for the kids, and we still felt like we were away. So there's lots of options, even if it's a day trip. So I could go on and on with ideas. But my point is, I want you to think out of the box and not just think like, Oh, I can't afford to go this far place or that far place. Where's someone, maybe a place near me that I've never been to before? I know there's still a lot of places near me I haven't been before that I'm like, Oh, I like to go here.

I like to check that out. What can I do to make that happen? And there's lots of different ways to be able to do stuff that doesn't have to cost a ton of money. We just have to get creative and just know that it's not the focus of being the greatest vacation ever. It's being with the people we're with. It's self care, self-love, giving ourselves time to get that energy back so when we go back into our busy day, we can enjoy it more, we can feel refreshed, and we can feel good that, you know what? I'm taking care of myself, and that's really, really important. Remember with CBT, one of the elements is your environment. So that's your work environment, your home environment, whatever environment you're in. We want to say, Are these good environments for me? And even if they are good environments, we always still need to take a little bit of a break. Get out of the house and go away somewhere. Get time off of work and you're not checking your emails or following up with anybody. Just having a real break that it's just all about you. So think about that.

And if you're not already doing this, what is one thing maybe I could pick for this year? Or it's something I could go to a place I've never been or talk to my family or friends and say, Hey, what trip can we put together? Lots of options out there. That's just a place I want to start. Once you do choose to what you're going to do, it's important to be mindful that a lot of times, as I mentioned a little bit already, is we place a lot of importance and have high expectations on the vacation itself, and we're hoping they'll be perfect. We don't want one little thing to go wrong because our hot thought is that if it's not perfect, then the whole trip is going to be ruined. That's a hot thought. We also may do too much and come home feeling like we need a vacation from the vacation. So think about whatever you're going to do. It doesn't have to be packed, jammed. If that's what you want, that's great. But I want to do this, I want to do this. And then someday I just want to do nothing. Just hang out maybe at the hotel or hang out at the beach or if you're at the campsite, just take in the environment that you're in.

So think about it doesn't have to be the perfect vacation. It doesn't have to be packed, jammed. It's supposed to refuel us, make us feel relaxed and renewed with some good energy. And we want to feel refreshed when we get home, right? So when we do get and we don't feel relaxed or refreshed, and we don't know why, and we're frustrated that we spend all this money and all these plans, it's because maybe that you're putting too much importance, too high of expectations. And it is hard to switch off from work sometimes. I can relate to that as well. And that's why I need to usually have more time to just breathe through things each day, get disconnected, know that when I come back, I'll be even better for my clients because I have taken care of myself and I fill myself up. So using your CBT, regarding your expectations, regarding a vacation, one thing to ask yourself is, how are you framing your thoughts and feelings before, during, the vacation, so that it serves its purpose. If your vacation is to be refreshed, renewed, feel reconnected with people in your life, what are your thoughts that are creating your feelings about the vacation before and during.

So that's something to just ask yourself. You could do a thought record on that. The thought record, which is where we're identifying a situation which would be planning my vacation. What are my feelings about it? You might feel a little anxious, a little nervous. What are your thoughts? It needs to be perfect. I need to have everything planned out. If things don't go well, everyone else is going to blame me. We all need to feel fabulous when we get back home. Those are all your hot thoughts. Those are just a few. I could go on even more with the things that people think. And then your thoughts, too, are what expectations you think everybody else has when you haven't even asked them. Everybody else expects it to be perfect. And that can really feed into the anxiety, put on the pressure, and then you're not going to be present on the vacation because you're too worried about everything being perfect. So now you're trying to control everything. That's the behavior part. So remember with the CBT, those are your thoughts are it needs to be perfect. Now I'm feeling anxious. So what's my behavior? I'm going to try to control everything.

In my physical reactions, you might be feeling restless. Maybe your heart beats pounding a little harder than it needs to be. You might have muscle tension. Maybe you can't sleep good because you're worrying too much about the trip. So remember, everything happens in a moment. Your thoughts create your feelings, which directs your behavior and your physical reactions. And then again, the environment, which be the vacation. And there's lots of vacation stories out there, right? You probably have some, too, where things did not go as planned, but you got to roll with it and still make the best of it. And one thing that doesn't go well isn't going to wreck the whole vacation. Start being mindful on what are my thoughts, right? What feelings are coming up, planning the vacation. While I'm on the vacation, you can think back to other times you've gone away. How did that get in the way of me really enjoying the trip? I could look back and say, before I knew my CBT, that did get in the way of certain things. But now I'm definitely more relaxed. This is even a small example But I remember, especially when my kids were young and we would be packing to go away, and I'd be like, Oh, I don't want to forget this.

I got to remember this. And then I just said to myself one day like, Julie, if you forget something, you'll just buy it there. It's not the end of the world. And I think about that all the time now when I pack for a trip, that if I forget something, I'll just get it when I get there. If the weather is not what I thought, I need to go buy a sweatshirt, I'll just go buy a sweatshirt. I'm not going to put all this pressure. I'm going to do the best I can. It's nice to remember things, but it's okay if I forgot something. So that's just my thought. That was just one of those thoughts I had that I had to reframe and let go so I could be more present and enjoy the trip and not worry about these little things because stuff happens. Stuff happens. There is definitely a little bit of research on this out there about what do people really enjoy when they first go on their trip. The research revealed that the joy on a vacation peaks at around 43 hours in. It's interesting number 43, but that's what they said, after people got settled in to where they were.

So it peaks, and not that it's not great, but that's at the beginning where, Oh, I'm settled in. I feel comfortable. I'm happy where I'm at. And the most important part of vacations that people reported was the firsts for them, meaning the first swim in the pool, the first time they saw the ocean, maybe their first cocktail once they relaxed. That it was the first... When they first got there, that, Oh, I made it. Here I am. This is so beautiful. And that was their peak for the vacation. So I can totally relate to that. And I would just encourage you to enjoy your first, but then also enjoy your second and your thirds, and your fourth. That every time you go, say it's to the beach, or if it's a different beach where you're going to different beaches, enjoy each one and take it in and look at your surroundings. And if you try a different cocktail every time you go somewhere, to stay present, stay present and really enjoy where you're at. And maybe think about that for yourself. When did my joy peak on my vacation, what were the first things that stayed in my mind?

Those are really special and really fun. I think another great thing on vacationing is doing a little journaling, if you want, just making notes of where did you go, what did you enjoy? Because sometimes you come home and it's hard to remember everything. I know on my last trip, you guys might have seen me on my video, but I actually went to Bali, which was an incredible trip. When I came home, people asked me questions. I'm like, Oh, my God, we did so many things. I had to go back and look at my notes and say, Oh, yeah, we went here and there. It was just every day was such an experience there that I didn't want to forget it all. So taking notes, just a little journal, not spending hours by any means, but we went here today, and what was special for that for me? What did I enjoy? What was a fun moment maybe? So that helps you stay present, too. And I think the other thing is that if you are on your vacation and you really aren't enjoying it, Doing a little journaling, doing a thought record, being mindful, what is it that isn't working?

Am I trying to control this too much? Am I still focused on it being perfect? Am I worrying about everybody else having a good time? Am I actually doing things I want to do, or am I just going along with everybody else? It's okay if you just want to stay at the hotel and be at the pool all day and be okay with, based on who you're with, if you need to split up and say, Hey, I'm going to stay here. You guys can go out and check out the museum. I'll be here when you get back. To really have that self-love that this is also my vacation. Even if I'm the planner, I'm going to do what I want to do some days. Some days I might go along, but if I'm like, I just want to hang out here, that's okay. And speak up and share with that and maybe plan beforehand and say, I know you guys love to go and do every day. I might have a day where I just hang out and I want everybody to be okay with that and not feel bad or think they got to push me to go.

That's going to really a good reset for myself. Those are things to think about also. Those could be some good expectations that I know I want a little bit of time to myself while I'll be spending time with my family or friends also. But what does that look like and for everybody to be on the same page? So talking about your expectations before you go. If you do a thought record and identify your hot thoughts, share that with whoever you're going to go with. This is what I'm thinking. I'm thinking, I got to make this perfect. I want all of you guys to be happy. I don't want anybody to be disappointed. And I think most likely the people you're with will be like, you need to chill out. We don't expect it to be perfect. It doesn't all have to be on your shoulders. We all can participate. I can maybe plan one event. You can plan another event we're going to to talk and don't take all this responsibility on. You're going to really enjoy things much more. And you can go with the flow because like I said, things do happen that we don't plan on.

You just don't know. Your flights might get delayed. An event you want to go to might get canceled wherever you're at. I mean, a million things happen. A million things happen. We don't want to let one thing wreck the whole trip, and we definitely don't want our expectations to get in the way. One other thing I wanted to share about the research they did about people enjoying their first whatever, like the pool or the ocean, is that you might also enjoy more several small trips throughout the year. So even if it's a long weekend, as I mentioned earlier, that you don't have to take this big trip unless that's something you want to do. But taking small trips throughout the year instead of just the big long one can help you become more focused on the firsts. And being able to remark. They remarked that afterwards what they enjoyed were, again, whatever their first were because the trip was shorter and they were more focused. Like, I went to this place to go to this one event, and then That's what we did where we were, and then I came home. Sorry about me explaining that clearly, but taking small trips throughout the year instead of just one big one, a lot of people enjoyed.

A lot of people found it more manageable. And then whatever their first were on that trip, they remembered more, and it stuck with them more because it wasn't like so many different things going on. So again, there's no right or wrong, whatever fits for you. But you want to be, again, present with what your expectations are, what your hot thoughts are that you're telling yourself. What's the environment you're going to go to also, right? The environment on the trip It's important. I talk to people all the time like, Yeah, I want to go somewhere warm, or I want to go somewhere cold. I want to go somewhere different, a little bit more maybe like in the outback. I want to do the camping. Just the environment of where you're going can make a huge difference on your mood and how things go. Say you want to go somewhere warm, you're thinking, I don't care what I do there. I just want to be in the sunshine. Whatever we end up doing is fine with me. I've heard people say that. Other people are like, Oh, I want to go here and I want to see this and this and this and this.

And that's great also. But again, you got to be on the same page wherever you're going with whoever you're going with. So using all of your CBT tools can be really helpful to make the most of your time off. Let me say also, say it's a weekend and you're like, I'm just going to stay home, but I'm taking an extra day off. What are you going to do to really get refreshed and refuel yourself? When we stay home, it's really easy to end up doing some chores. You're like, Oh, yeah, I need to get this done or that done. Versus being away from the house. So I'm not saying you can't just hang out at your house and enjoy, but be mindful of that. This is not a weekend for me to work on the house, but it's for me to maybe sleep in, hang out in my backyard, maybe go a local movie, whatever that looks like. The goal of vacation and time off of work is to, again, refresh yourself and get yourself in a good state of mind. If you're feeling anxious, if you're having some depression you're struggling with, you're feeling resentful, anger, whatever that might be, this is the time for me to be able to maybe let that go a little bit because I'm not so focused on my day-to-day life.

And if I'm setting realistic expectations, if my thoughts are balanced about the time I'm going to take off, you definitely are going to be more likely to enjoy it. And it might even be better than you planned because you don't have these crazy perfectionist expectations. I know it's all coming from a good place. When we do our reframing tools is I want it to be great because you are a loving person and you want everyone else to have a great time and you love them and you just want it to be special. And that will happen just because you're together. That would be my alternative thought. Regardless of what happens on the trip, it's going to be special because I'm with the people I want to be with. And that was my goal. Wherever we're at, whatever we're doing is just cherry on the Sunday. What is the goal? Is I want to be together with certain people. I want to reconnect. Maybe we haven't seen each other. And just have fun. It doesn't have to be heavy. It's just to be with each other's company, not feel rushed. We're all hanging out. We've got time together.

It's not just a quick dinner. We have to catch up on everything. It can just be getting to know each other again, having new experiences, being in a new place, trying something new, maybe being a little adventurous, whatever that might be. There's so many things that your time off can be so positive for you and create alternative and balanced thoughts and get rid of these hot thoughts that you're having so that your moods are better. So I know some people are just like, Oh, you're going on a vacation again? Oh, lucky you. All this stuff. And sometimes people don't see or think you're lucky because you get to go do stuff, which we all are lucky when we get to go do things. But it's a bigger picture, at least the way I look at it, that when I take time off, it's to be present with the people in my life that I want to be with, it's to have new experiences, which really fills me up. Going new places, meeting the new people, understanding people's cultures. It just makes your world bigger, and it helps you see things differently. You can be more accepting, even.

It can check off so many boxes that maybe we didn't think about. And if you always just go along with other people because that's what they want to do on the vacation, you really need to say, Hey, what do I want to do? Am I doing what I want to do, or do I want to do something different? And I haven't spoken up because I don't want to upset anybody. I'm thinking, Oh, this is also their time off. There's a hot thought. Meaning the hot thought is, yes, it's their time off, so they need to be able to do what they want to do versus I want to be able to do what I want to do. That's something, again, to talk about. It's so great to figure out what your hot thoughts are, because then when you communicate them to somebody, you can have a real discussion. Instead of saying, Oh, I'm anxious about the trip. I'd be like, Well, what are you anxious about? Well, I want it to be perfect. Why do you want it to be perfect? Nobody expected it to be perfect. We want it to be good, and we're going to plan, and we'll see how things go.

Okay, I thought you wanted it to be perfect, too. No, I'm okay with it. So I always say that's really how I communicate with people. My life is I take the time to figure out what my thoughts are, identify my hot thoughts, and then I say, this is what I'm thinking. I don't know if it's true, but this is what I'm thinking, and it's making me feel this way. And then whoever I'm talking to isn't worried about making me feel better, but they're just addressing what my hot thoughts are and helping me come up with more balanced and alternative thoughts so we're on the same page. And that a lot of times, say it's my husband, he can take some of that pressure off of me thinking like, Oh, I got to do everything. I got to plan everything. I got to think five steps ahead, instead of just being present and just being grateful and mindful that on my trips, who am I with and where am I at? And how is this experience affecting me in a really positive way. So I hope I got you thinking, first of all, about taking time off.

I hope I got you thinking about maybe what are some places I want to go or things I want to do. I hope I have you thinking that it doesn't have to be a world tour. It doesn't have to be anywhere I've got on a plane. There's just so many things you can do. If you feel like you can't think of any great things, there still are those travel agents out there. I think people think that they're gone now, but I've used them before to just go get some ideas. I'm like, Oh, I didn't even know that was an option. I didn't know that was out there. That sounds super fun. Obviously, you can Google stuff to just get some ideas. Again, what's a staycation look like? What about if I just go to the next city and I stay in a hotel, I feel like I'm gone. To start thinking out of the box, but remembering the most important thing is that you're taking some time for yourself, and the message that you're going to give yourself is that I'm important. It's important for me to have time off to take care of myself.

I work really hard, and I need time to get refreshed and re-energized, and I want to spend more time with the people in my life that I love, that I'm working so hard for, to support and have a good life. It's not just about doing, doing, doing, and then everybody's gone, but it's about having that time together and reconnecting and feeling the love and feeling, even on a spiritual level, fear connected with other people is really important. So again, it's lots of layers. So I want you to think about yourself. Of course, consider everybody else. I want you to do a thaw record. If you're feeling anxious or worried. What are my hot thoughts about taking time off, about taking a trip about what I expect it to be like, what I think everyone else is going to expect? How am I going to handle things if it doesn't go the way I want? How can I speak up and say, I want a date of myself or I'm just going to hang out here at the hotel. If you guys want to go do something, go ahead. These are all great things to talk through with who you're traveling with.

These are things to resolve in yourself. And then it goes into you feeling better, having more self-acceptance, your self-esteem, your self-confidence. And your whole trip could just be smoother. And you can get the goal you want is to feel good and relaxed when you get home, not that you need another vacation from your vacation. So I think This is a great topic to talk about because when I tell people you can use your CBT tools in any situation in your life, this is what I'm talking about because it's not always the real serious, heavy-duty stuff. All people say like, Oh, I didn't do a thought rate because nothing may Did your happen this week? And I'll say, Are you still anxious? And they say, Yes. I say, Well, then you have a situation. If you have a negative mood, you have a situation to address. And it's usually this little stuff that happens every day that really is what builds up. Everything's important. The big stuff, the little stuff, the stuff in between. So don't minimize like, Oh, it's just this, or, Oh, I should be grateful I'm going on vacation. What do you mean I got to have thoughts?

It's another situation. So just remember, your CBT tools are to be... I use them Every day, you guys. I do thought records in my head every single day. We all have way too many thoughts, right? Eighty to 90,000, way too many. And they are affecting us. And it's not that our anxiety has to be off the charts. If I'm anxious 20%, I'm like, Okay, what's going on? I want to feel as good as I possibly can. Is my anxiety normal? Maybe 20% is okay, and then I can work with that. But I'm really mindful whenever I'm having a negative mood, what am I thinking about? What's going on? Is there something I'm not addressing in my life? And even having a vacation coming up, what does that look like? So let me take my time, do a thaw record, and work through whatever these hot thoughts are that are weighing on me. So I hope you found this helpful and fun. I love to hear your feedback. Tell me how your vacation went. Tell me what your ideas were, how creative you were, where you went. I love hearing what's going on with you guys and how the podcast is helping.

Please share this with anyone you think might benefit. You can know where you can find me at my website at mycognitivebehavioraltherapy. Com. You can also find me on Instagram under myCBT podcast and Dr. Julie Osborne on Facebook. So again, please keep sharing your thoughts, your concerns, your questions. I love hearing from you and getting your feedback. I always respond to all the emails that I receive. Please hit the subscribe button to make sure you don't ever miss an episode. And as I mentioned before, on my website, I opened up a store where you can look at some of the fun products with my mantra on it and my CBT logo. They're all designed to help you towards your therapy goals, and you can find them at mycbt. Store. That's mycbt. Store. I thought it be something be fun you guys would enjoy. The quality is really good also. I ordered a couple of things myself, of course, and I got them, and I was really happy with them. It's just a fun thing to check out and might be some good gifts for someone that listens or for yourself to have my mantra on a daily basis on a coffee mug.

I appreciate checking it out and again listening.

Make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.