Episode #137

Jealousy & CBT

Jealousy can be a strong emotional response - there’s a reason they call it the Green-Eyed Monster!

How can you figure out if what you’re feeling is jealousy?

And how can you use CBT tools to work through your feelings of jealousy?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you some simple but profound ways to reframe your thoughts.

Click to listen now!

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, it's Dr. Julie from My CBT podcast. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So welcome and thanks for being here with me. I hope everybody's doing well. So I wanted to start off with sharing an email, as I always do. Again, I appreciate you guys reaching out.

This is from Miranda. She says,

“Hi Doctor Julie,

I've really connected to your podcast, two of the recent ones on vacations and holidays, and also the podcast on no matter what have resonated with me. I've had some therapy in the past year that I really got a lot out of. The CBT homework has been helpful. One of the assignments is to follow your podcast. (I think that's great homework!)

I talk to family members about the information I heard of and always am trying to work towards less hot thoughts internally.

Thank you,

Miranda”

So thanks, Miranda, for reaching out and I love that you're getting some good CBT therapy. I always tell everybody, if you're looking for a good CBT therapist, there's always homework. If you don't get homework, it's not real CBT therapy, I should say. Sorry. That's the beauty of it, is that if you're working on it on a regular basis, not just when you see your therapist, even if it's once a week, you're going to get better quicker, you're going to learn the tools faster, you're going to be able to get to where you want to be and make those changes. So again, I appreciate everybody reaching out and sending in their emails. I get a lot of great emails.

I can't even read them all to you, but it really means a lot and it kind of keeps me going and gives me some good ideas, which is where I got my podcast for today. So I had someone named Candice that reached out to and asked if I had any podcasts on jealousy and distortions. So I have done one on cognitive distortions already. You guys can listen to. It goes over the ten CBT distortions laid out by Doctor David Burns.

So that's a podcast you can look for called cognitive distortions. I'll probably talk about some of them today, but I'm going to focus on the topic of jealousy. I thought it was a great recommendation because this is a mood that a lot of people feel a lot of people struggle with. It can be uncomfortable. They call it the green monster for a reason, right?

And it's not a place we want to be. It's one thing to admire somebody and say, wow, I really admire, you know, where they are in their life or the things they've been able to acquire or the goals they've met, and maybe I want to reach some of those same goals, or maybe I want to acquire some of those same things that's admiring, but I can feel good and happy for them and still be okay with me, where if I'm jealous, I might not be feeling too happy for that person. I'm definitely not feeling good about me. So, remember, when you use your CBT tools, especially when you're identifying your hot thoughts, it can be really effective to manage and reduce your feelings, right? So, managing and reducing your jealousy is what we're talking about today and hopefully even eliminating it.

So I just want to reiterate that we're not here to get rid of negative feelings all the time, 100%. Sometimes they do go away. Sometimes they're just there, and we manage them and we own them and we move on. So you don't want your cognitive distortion to be all or nothing, right? Black and white thinking that.

It's like, oh, I can't feel jealous at all, right? Or I can't feel anxious at all. Whatever my negative is feeling, it's like, I just don't want to have these feelings managing me. I want to manage them again, jealousy. I think hopefully after the tools I talked to you about today, you'll be able to get rid of any jealousy you're feeling, be able to look at things differently, but there's where the tools can really be helpful.

So I want you to give yourself some grace. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's not about like, oh, I got to get rid of this 100%, or I'm failing. If you reduce it, if you manage it better than you're doing now, that is success. So you want to have realistic expectations, right?

So let's talk about jealousy a little bit and understanding it. So, jealousy is an emotional response to the threat of maybe losing something valuable, often a relationship, maybe even if you think you have a rival. And again, being jealous of what others have, being jealous of maybe how others look, any of those things that show that you're not feeling good about yourself, and it can show itself in a lot of ways. So it can manifest itself as anger, anxiety, feeling insecure, and definitely depression. So sometimes you might not identify the feeling, right.

That response of feeling jealous. So that's where identifying your hot thoughts is helpful. So you, you might feel more of the anger or the anxiety or the depression that I talked about or being insecure. So when we can I start identifying the moods that we're having? Right.

It's going to help us also identify our thoughts, because our thoughts create our moods. So if you were like, you know, what's going on? I'm just, like, uncomfortable. I'm frustrated. I'm feeling this anger.

I may be feeling irritable. Also. What's really going on? What am I thinking about? So maybe I'm thinking about somebody else's situation.

It's like, okay, that's what's bugging me. Like, oh, I'm jealous of them. So that's how we can get to the underlying feelings as well as the underlying thoughts we want to get to. So taking the time and doing a thaw record and being able to write down, you know, what's the situation? How am I feeling?

What are my thoughts? We can get more specific. And I know I talked to you guys, especially if you're using the mind over mood book, that in chapter four, there's a mood list. It's small, but there's a good start. And then there's more.

You can even google mood lists on the Internet, I'm sure, and there's hundreds of moods. But when we really take the time to identify our moods, that's really going to help us figure out what we're thinking, right. Because it's going to help us say, okay, why am I feeling all of the, you know, if you take the time and say, why am I feeling anxious, insecure, you know, and jealous. Right. What are my thoughts?

They're probably hot. And then I can challenge those and hopefully change them to be in a place where I feel better about myself. So I see a lot of clients get kind of stuck on like, oh, I'm depressed and anxious. And not that you're not, but we want to identify more of the specific moods that we don't always identify. So, like, insecure is definitely one a lot of people don't identify or feeling despair or overwhelmed.

So that's why it's important to take the time. Once you learn these tools, remember, like, it is going to become automatic. Like, my brain's a fall record. Right. So I don't want you to be like, oh, this is going to take me forever to learn.

It is not going to take forever. It's really pretty quick if you put the time into it, but you really need to take the time to do the steps. So if you're using mind over mood, also feeling great is another great book. Mind over mood is my first go to, so I'm going to talk about that. So in the mind over mood book, we learn how to do a thaw record, right?

So taking the time to say, what was the situation? How was I feeling? Rating my moods, really taking the time to figure out our thoughts and our hot thoughts, then we're going to make some changes. So be patient with yourself and just know if I put the time in now, I'm going to have these tools for the rest of my life. So how do we approach jealousy?

Using the CBT tools. Right. So we want to, again, help you identify and challenge your thoughts and your behaviors contributing to why you're feeling jealous. So I'm going to break it down for you a little bit as well. So one thing you want to do is you want to identify your triggers.

So you want to understand that situations or the thoughts are the things that are triggering your jealousy. So you just don't have a mood for no reason. Right. I tell everybody we just don't have mood. We just don't have moods for the hell of it, right.

Based on what we're thinking is why we're feeling a certain way. So we want to say, okay, what's triggering me to feel jealous? What is that situation? What are my thoughts? Because you're not just waking up feeling that way, not walking around just feeling jealous.

Things are happening. I think this happens a lot also on social media. You know, we all have to be really careful on social media and how much we're listening to and how much we're taking in. And knowing these are normally pictures of people's best days. You know, I have many people that have come in and gotten triggered by social media and feel less than themselves.

Like, oh, they're living the great life, or, look how beautiful that person is. Look how handsome he is. Or, you know, they just got everything. Everything. Because that's what we post.

Most of us don't post our pictures of when we're crying or sad or angry. Right. We're like, oh, this was a fun time I had, or something I feel good about. So I'm going to post it, and then others look at it, and then they're thinking that your life is perfect, right? We've all had probably a little moment of like, no, that's just, you know, their moment.

So that could be a trigger in itself. I hear about that all the time being at school, if somebody's really smart and answering all the questions that could be a trigger. You may feel jealous, like they're always getting a's and you're struggling. You know, I could go on and on with lots of different situations. You need to figure out what is my trigger, what creates that feeling of jealousy for me that I struggle with.

So doing the thaw records is a way of kind of keeping a journal, right. Writing down your thoughts if something happens and you're not sitting down with your workbook and doing your homework. You know, I always tell my clients, you know, most of us have phones, right? So in your notes section, just write down what happened, because by the time you get home, you'll probably forget. So if you're like, oh, yeah, that kind of felt uncomfortable, or I kind of felt jealous for a minute, just write down the situation.

You don't need to figure it out. But then when you go home, you can open that up and go back to it and start working on it. So you want to write down, just like we do with the thought record. Right. The situation is, you know, the context.

You know, and starting right now, what are my thoughts at the time? So the context is the situation. Who would, when and where. Okay, I'm feeling jealous. What am I thinking about?

What's going on in this situation that's making me feel uncomfortable, making me feel less than triggering me. And then, of course, we're going to challenge our negative thoughts, right? So that's where we're going to get all of our thoughts down and we're going to look at the hot thoughts and, for example, say that you feel jealous because your partner talked to someone else. That's a good example just came to mind because this happens a lot. You want to explore where's the evidence for and against the idea that this means that your partner is unfaithful, right?

I have met many people that one little thing just triggers that jealousy, right? That insecurity that they're feeling, and there's just no rational reason behind it. There's no issues with their partner. And just because somebody talks to somebody else or reconnects with an old friend doesn't mean, you know, like, oh, my God, they're cheating on me now they're being unfaithful. I need to worry.

That's where you need to, like, reel it in and be like, okay, this is my issue and I need to deal with this. That's something that, you know, that's another thing I'd say with social media, emails, texts, like, oh, my God, I've just heard so many stories of people going through other people's phones, you know, misunderstanding something. Who is this? I mean, it just, it goes on and on. So we want to be able to be mindful of ourselves and catch ourselves and not, don't put yourself through that torture, going down that black hole of thinking something terrible is going on because you just read something you're misinterpreting and not understanding.

Like, you know, for whatever reason, whatever my story might be, I tend to get jealous. And I really need to work on that because it's just going to bleed into all of my relationships and my environments that I'm in, and it doesn't work for me. It doesn't serve me, and people aren't going to respond to it. Well. So as you're working through the next part of identifying your hot thoughts, right.

We want to have more balanced thoughts. So this is called cognitive restructuring. We're restructuring by looking at where's the evidence for and against my hot thought. So a new one might be, for example, like, yes, my partner's talking to someone else, but it doesn't mean that they're not loyal to me. That's true.

Right? There's evidence for and against it and all the evidence on why they're still loyal to me or committed to the relationship is based on all the experiences you have with that person. You don't want to let one moment define your relationship or your situation. And that's what a lot of people do, right? One thing happens and everything else is like, thrown out the window and they don't take the time to think about, who's this partner?

What's going on? Obviously, again, this is an insecurity within yourself, probably, but you end up projecting that and putting it on somebody else. When you don't really own the jealousy and you want to do things to help reduce your jealousy and increase more positive interactions, you could even if you're willing to, which is really helpful, doing some exposure therapy where you can expose yourself to jealousy inducing situations in a way that you can control it and reduce the impact over time. So say you're going to go out with your partner and it's going to be maybe a situation where maybe it's a lot of his friends, people you haven't met before, and just say, you know, I'm going to go. He's going to be talking to other people.

They're going to probably be laughing about old stories. And for me to be able to just be there and be present with my partner and be okay with that, that would be like an example. And then you can always test out your beliefs by, you know, talking to your partner and just saying, you know, this is the way that I'm thinking, which causes me to feel this way. I know it's not my issue, but I just wanted to just let you know. And maybe you guys can have a discussion about that, you know, and make it a safe place where, you know, it's okay that I feel this in the moment, but I'm also identifying it and I want to change it.

And if you feel like I'm projecting that onto you, I want us to be able to talk about that because I might be doing that and not even noticing it. So again, you know, communication is always so important in building, you know, really good relationships and not that you have to hold this and feel ashamed and not tell your partner and say, you know, I felt a little jealous, you know, and be able to have that conversation just kind of opens up the dialog. I think if you have some good friends, ask them, do you guys ever feel jealous as things come up so you don't feel alone? This obviously isn't only your mood, right? Lots and lots of people go through this at different times in their lives.

You might have people be able to share with you how they got through it, the misperceptions that they had and how it even maybe got them into trouble, or how are they able to fix things? We just make too many assumptions about situations that are not even true, and we feel so bad, and we make decisions on how we're going to behave, and it's just a mess. It's that whole CBT, right. It's that we feel something, which is the jealousy, right. And then we have all these negative thoughts, we have our behaviors, we're reacting to the jealousy, our physical reactions, right.

We're feeling irritable, nervous anxiety, and it just is a big spinoff, and it can become much more problematic than it needs to be. I would also suggest working on building up your self esteem. I do have a podcast called got self esteem. And building up your self esteem, your self confidence, your self worth can really mitigate any jealousy. You know, working on feeling better about yourself, maybe setting and achieving some small goals, practicing some self compassion would always be good.

And focus in on your own personal strength and achievements. Because with jealousy, again, it's a lot about comparing, right? They're better than me. They have more than me. I'll never be like that.

So you want to look at it within yourself and say, what qualities do I have that I like? And are there some things that maybe I've been holding back from that maybe I could set up some goals for myself to start working on? And again, improving the communication, not just with your partner and other people, to identify the underlying issues. If you share, like, to add on to what I said a few minutes ago, but, you know, hey, I'm doing this thought record and these are my thoughts I'm having. I'm really kind of struggling.

I want to share that with you. This is kind of what's causing. I'm realizing, like, oh, this thing that happened ten years ago or comment story I hear, like, if somebody's been cheated on once, all their other relationships are very scared about being cheated on again, understandably, but they end up holding back again, their perceptions skewed on any little thing their partner might do. So when you can be more assertive and using those techniques to be able to express your feelings and concerns without accusing someone or being confrontational, you're going to be able to communicate and really walk through that a lot easier. And it can just make everything better for you and hopefully get to more of a resolution than just feeling stuck.

So I think we can look at jealousy in a way as well, to say, okay, instead of just feeling bad that I feel jealous. How can I use this? How is this an opportunity for me to be a better version of myself? How is this an opportunity for me to say, okay, this is something I need to work on that I didn't really identify before. You know, what do I feel like I'm lacking?

What? Do I want to be better? Or do I just have unrealistic expectations? Right. That I should.

Right. There's one of the distortions. I should be this way. I should be able to do that. I should be able to feel better.

I should be able to work out seven days a week so I can look at that person I think looks great. All of these things that you really need to take the time and really process, because I think it's important to also ask yourself, do I really even want these things so I can share an experience that, years ago, I went to a party through my kids, friends, phenomenal house. Like, wow, over the top. And I think when I came home, I think I was feeling a little jealous. Like, that house is incredible.

Look what they have. I don't think I could ever get that. It's just, you know, I just was, like, blown away, really, by, you know, it was on this canal, and it was just gorgeous. Anyways, and then I came home, and I really am happy with my house, but it was not like theirs, and I kind of got re centered and be like, you know what? I'm actually very happy with my home.

I feel grateful for my home that I have. I have it decorated the way I like it. And instead of feeling, like, less than, I'm like, no, I just really admire them. I don't have to feel bad or compare myself. I don't even know if I, you know, would I want that?

There's so much that goes along with, I don't know. I was thinking, like, the upkeep and this and that, and I. I don't know, keeping up with the Joneses in that neighborhood, like, you know, so I might have that moment, but is that something I really want in my life? And I can feel good about what I have and what I've been able to accomplish in my life and just to be able to admire and really hope that they enjoy what they have as well and that I felt lucky that I got to spend a night there at the party and just really enjoyed the whole place and checking it out. Right.

So I think for that moment, we think, like, oh, that's something I want. That's something I need in my life. Well, maybe it really even isn't. But you don't even take the time. You just feel bad because you don't have it, right?

And then you're like, damn, what am I? I'm never going to get there. So now every, you know, nothing's going to be good enough, right? Because I'm never going to get there. So if that's something that you really want and you're like that, I'm going to work towards that.

I mean, go for it. That's great. But I just wanted you to stay centered that when you feel jealous, to say, okay, what is it that I'm thinking? What are my have thoughts that are making me feel jealous? And is that something I even want in my life?

Right. I think another example for me is, you know, just seeing famous people, right? I mean, I appreciate the work they do. I love going to movies, plays, I mean, entertainment, all that kind of stuff is great. Would I want their life where they can't walk down the street, they can't go to the grocery store because, you know, the paparazzi swarming them.

I mean, I've heard people's stories about how their life changed overnight, right? So I love that they do that. I wouldn't want that. I don't want to have to think twice about going out and walking my dog and having people take pictures of me, right? So it's all perspective, right?

Like, we're all like, oh, my God, to be a movie star and to have all these people taking care of you and all the money and all the glamor that we see, right? And lots of people will see like, oh, I wish I had that life. I don't know. When I really sit back and think about it, I don't know if I want that life. I know I wouldn't want that life.

I love it for them. But there comes a price, right? So it's getting grounded because I don't think we take the time to say, well, is that something you really want or it's just something you really admire or it's fun to kind of watch or maybe it's fun to be a little bit a part of and then you move on, right? So that's where the CBT can help us get grounded, to say, okay, what am I thinking? Is it realistic?

What's going on with myself that I don't feel good about myself? And where's the opportunity to grow from this, right? Get more centered and say, do I want to work on it? I can let it go, you know, it doesn't mean I'm less than.

And maybe I can set some other goals for myself, but maybe I also need to work out my self esteem and my self worth so that I can go through my life a little easier and not be jealous. Right. And not think others are better than me, not perceive things in the wrong way, not assume things that aren't going on. So, again, jealousy is a mood, and I need to figure out what I'm thinking, and I also need to figure out what are my core beliefs that could be connected to jealousy. Right.

So I have a podcast on core beliefs. But your core belief is more of a belief. It's a little stronger than a thought. And those could be that, you know, I'm not attractive, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm inadequate. All of those things could create that mood of feeling jealous.

So the thal records definitely work quick or quicker, I should say, than the core belief. The core belief is really ingrained. Most of us don't know what it is until we do some work. The thaw record can help you right now. What am I thinking that's making me feel jealous?

Is it a hot thought? And if it is, where's the evidence? I'm going to come up with a balanced thought, and I'm going to maybe create some experiments to put myself out there and expose myself and see, like, I'm okay. I miss perceiving what's going on in my world, and I'm okay just the way I am. Because I got to tell you, most people don't really know how they're perceived by others.

And if they ever shared with you, it would be a lot more positive than negative. I believe that. So the thought records can help. Right now. If you're struggling with this, you're trying to get a hold of it.

When you're ready to do some more, deeper work and get into the core beliefs and say, okay, what are these underlying beliefs I have about myself that are really creating this jealousy and just making a mess of things in my life, then I can start changing my core belief to that, you know what? I am attractive. I am good enough, I am worthy. I am smart enough. I am adequate.

When you can do that, that will just change everything and help eliminate any of the negative moods you are having about jealousy or anything else surrounding that. That is why I say, you know, I don't want to say it's a miracle cure, but if you use your CBT tools, because I believe with all my heart, that, you know, your thoughts are creating your moods. And when I know that that's true for me, that's my go to. Whenever I have a negative mood, I'm like, what are you thinking, Julie? What are you thinking?

And what are your hot thoughts? And then I have a plan, and I have tools, and I feel way more confident that even if it's uncomfortable, I can walk through it and I can get to a better place. It might take me a minute, might take me an hour, might take me a day, might take me a week. But at least I got some tools, and I do not feel stuck because I'm always going to have some negative moods, right? We have lots of moods, and all of our moods have a purpose, and all of our moods make up for who we are and all of our experiences and our thoughts.

So we're not here to get rid of just the bad and just have the good. We want to bring it all together to get to the best place we can be. And that's why there's. There's so many layers. I know when I talk, but I want you to just get started with, you know, what are my thoughts that are making me jealous and which ones are hot?

The ones that aren't 100% true. And how can I start challenging them? And then how can I maybe communicate with people in my life and be vulnerable and let them know I'm feeling jealous and why and talk through that, you know, so they can be mindful and understand when I'm feeling jealous? And maybe they can, you know, communicate that back to me because I don't want to harm their relationship. You know, all of those kind of things.

There's so many possibilities here where jealousy can bleed into your life. So I hope this got you thinking a little bit, you know, if jealousy is not an issue for you, but somebody, you know, share this with them, maybe it could be a little helpful. Maybe it'll be a good way for you to approach somebody that's jealous sometimes. I've met people in a relationship, and they're like, their partner's really jealous. Know what to do.

They love them, but they feel frustrated. They don't know how to approach it. They want to make them mad. So I'm hoping maybe some things I said today would be an easier way of kind of approaching somebody in your life who's jealous and just saying, you know, asking, like, are you feeling okay? You know, you know, I noticed these behaviors.

Can you tell me what you're thinking when this is happening? So, you know, this might be a way of you being able to start the communication with your partner who is jealous even if you're nothing, because it's not a good feeling. And I don't want you to feel controlled by a person that is jealous because that's not healthy either. So, you know, there's lots of ways to be able to use this information and to use the tools that you guys are gaining by listening to me and doing all the great work that you're doing. So again, I hope this was helpful.

You guys know you can find me at my website@mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com.

You can also find me on Instagram under Mycbtpodcast and Doctor Julie Osborn on Facebook.

Please keep sharing your thoughts, your concerns, your questions. I love hearing from you and getting your feedback.

Please hit the Subscribe button to make sure you don't miss another episode.

And as I've shared with you before and I've done some videos of my merchandise, my t shirts, my cup, my calendar, some really fun stuff. If you go to my CBT store, you might find some fun things that can help you along on your journey of CBT.

So have a great day and as always, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.