Episode #60 

How To Make Good Decisions Under Stress

Do you feel like you always make bad decisions when you're stressed?

Do you wish you knew how to make better decisions under stress?

In this listener-requested episode, Dr Julie shares with you 4 simple tips for making better decisions under stress.

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, and welcome to My CBT Podcast!

My name is Dr. Julie Osborn, I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life. In this podcast, I’ll answer some questions and share with you some practical ways to apply CBT principles and tools so you can achieve a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in your life in relationships.

So first I wanted to share an email a listener sent to me and gave me permission to use her name.

So it says:

“Good afternoon, doctor. My name is Jessie and I'm a 37-year-old female from California.

I recently came across your station on Spotify. I've been struggling with anxiety and panic now for nine months, up until about two months ago with my own research. So I have no insurance to seek help.

I have been able to identify my struggles. I can now say I've had anxiety for about 10 years, but would only feel anxious when traveling on a plane. Other than that, never.

Your podcast is a lifesaver for those who can't afford health care. I listen to your podcast every day. I listen to the same podcast at least two times a day!

You give me so many helpful tips. I'm currently focusing on trying to manage with my anxiety, with traveling, whether it's via car or plane. I've developed phobias I've never had before and things I loved doing. I sometimes find myself feeling discouraged with my recovery process.

I was hoping you could do a podcast on new phobias and managing feeling anxious and things that I used to enjoy doing, like driving to Vegas on behalf of my husband and myself. Thank you for the amazing podcast you do for people like myself.

Best regards, Jessie.”

So thank you, Jessie, for the email. And I have done many different podcasts are managing anxiety, but maybe I can make a note of that about my new phobias start for people and how to use the CBT for that.

But I know that there's lots of podcasts I've done now, so hopefully get some answers in the other ones as well. Thanks again for reaching out. And, as always, I really welcome you guys, your emails, your suggestions, your questions, giving me feedback on how the podcast is helping. It's really means a lot to me. It's really special.

So in today's podcast I'm going to be doing is something I actually have had a lot of emails and a lot of requests and a lot of people have asked: how do I make good, effective decisions when I'm under stress?

It's a lot of people, you know, just react off their mood. Right. And make a decision. And then I regret it. You know, we'd all love to have a systematic process to consider all of our relevant alternatives to make the best decision. Right. But a lot of us don't have that systematic process. And sometimes in the moment we feel like we have to answer right away. You know, how many times have you made a bad decision under stress?

I think most likely all of us have done this even when we know we shouldn't. We're like, I really don't want to make this decision. And then you just say or whatever, and you just go and do it. And then you regret it instead of taking the time to figure out. And it's important to remember we don't have the ability to make smart choices when we're under stress. And research has shown that regardless of the level of stress, you can still slip up and make bad decisions.

So it's not just, you know, high stress. You make bad decisions. It can even be low because the stress really does affect you when you feel anxious. The connection between your brain and your prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain is actually responsible for decision making may be weakened. Also, anxiety can mess up with your judgments. So remember the mood, behavior, connection. I've talked about where most people live off of their moods and then they make a decision.

Right. Which is your behavior. So if we if we just kind of review really quick, the cognitive behavioral therapy is that we have our thoughts creator moods, which affects their behaviors as well as their physical reactions. And then the big picture also is our environment. What environment are we in that's maybe causing our stress? What is the situation? Right. So if the anxiety can mess with your judgment, that means you're making decisions based off how you feel.

And that's never a good way to make a decision because you want to remember that your feelings are, you know, changing all the time, within seconds sometimes. So you don't want to make a decision based on how you feel because most likely you're going to regret that. So just understand that there really is something going on with your brain when you're stressed and anxious and it gets in the way of making a good decision. So obviously we need to lower anxiety to make good decisions.

How do I do that? I do, though, with the thought record, which will go over again in a little bit, and how to identify what you're thinking, what your moods are, what are your thoughts. Right. And how we can come up with better thoughts and balanced thoughts, which then can help you make a better decision. Another big factor in making good decisions that ends up being part of all the stress that you might be feeling.

Is a lot of people have a huge fear of failure, so it can get in the way of making a good decision if you're so afraid that you're not going to make the best decision. And failure is, you know, maybe it's through a work situation or a relationship, you know, you're so afraid that that can get in the way of you actually making a good decision or any decision. So there's lots of different things going on that get in the way of making good, effective decisions when you're under stress.

And again, stress can be whatever is stressful for you. You know, it's stressful for me, might not be stressful for you and vice versa. If it's stressful for you, then it's stress. And if it's a one on a scale from one to 10 or if it's a 10, it's still can affect you. It doesn't have to just be the big stuff. And that's important to remember. Sometimes it's the little things every day that really weigh on us.

Now, we also know that some stress is good, right? I just learned a new term actually called you stress, and it's the type of stress that you choose to have. So it really hones in your senses and it motivates you to be your best. So some examples of this could be, you know, the excitement of going on a roller coaster ride that you want to go on, a fun challenge, a first date you stress is actually important for us to have in our lives because it can drive our motivation to a higher level as well as our performance.

So, you know, stress sometimes gets us moving and go. And it's like I really need to handle this. I really do need to make this decision. How am I going to do that? So it's not that we're looking to not have any stress in our lives because that's just not really reasonable. But we want to have low stress. We don't want it to affect our decision making and understanding that this term eustress, it's actually spelled EU.

Astarita says if you want to look it up, is a good part of our lives and things that we choose to put ourselves in a different you know, like I said, the roller coaster, you know, just fun stuff gets us moving, wanting to have a first date cause we want to have a relationship. So all of that's the good stress we want to understand. OK, what do I do? And I have the bad stress. Right.

So I'm going to talk about four different steps that you can take to make a good, effective decision when you're under stress. So no one is do not let stress motivate your decisions. You really want to evaluate your choices when things calm down. So, for example, if someone is pressuring you to make a decision, I always tell my clients you can always answer them with, you know, hey, let me think about that or I need thirty minutes and then I'll get back to you.

You don't want to leave people hanging if they need a decision from you soon. But unless it's a real emergency, you usually can probably have thirty minutes to figure it out. Right. So take that moment when you're stressed and thinking I need to give someone an answer. My answer is going to be I need a little bit to think that through and then give them a time frame when you're going to come back, because if the stress motivates your decisions, it's not going to be a good decision.

And you also may have a thought. Right, which is what I was just saying, that, oh, I have to make a decision right now and give them an answer. Right. That would be a half thought. And you want to evaluate to see if is this a half thought that I have to tell them right now? And if it is, then I can take that time to think about what's the best outcome, you know, kind of doing some problem solving, you know, what are my alternatives will be some suggestions maybe I would want to give them.

So it's kind of like taking a time out because that's always an option and it's up to you. So this is where you're going to start taking some control over the environment. So if you're really stressed, you don't have to feed into the stress. You don't have to please anybody. You don't need to put their needs before yours. You need to say I need to make a good decision here. And I know I'm too stressed to do that.

So I need to give myself a moment. Number two would be to run your decision by someone who is not stressed. It's always a good option to have a second opinion when you're questioning your own judgment or ability to make a good decision. You know, it's hard for us to see other people's perspectives or options when we're stressed. So if you can find somebody who's not stressed, maybe who's not involved in the situation and share with them, you know, this is the decision I need to make or this is the decision someone's asking me to make, you know, what are your thoughts?

How do you see this? And a lot of times, I guess it's kind of, you know, what I do also as a therapist is, you know, people come to me and say, this is what I'm going through. And a lot of times, you know, I'll give them different options that they'll be like, I didn't even think about that because I'm not connected to the situation emotionally. Right. And I'm not feeling that same stress.

And I feel like I have to give this other person some answer and I can just go for a lot of different options and problem solve because I am not stressed about it. So that's where, you know, if you have a therapist or if you don't and you're feeling like you don't have anyone to maybe talk to, you know, or you have people in your life that you're so close to everybody, you don't feel that they can give you good perspective, then, you know, going into therapy can be a really good place to talk things through.

Learn how to problem solve. Learn how to be aware of what your thoughts are by learning the CBT so you can come up with a better option and then feel really good about your decision. Step number three is a really love you to find time every single day. That's right. Every single day to day stress. And you can choose what that means for you. Whatever the stresses you just 30 minutes we'll do if you want to do longer. Beautiful, but hopefully you can find 30 minutes somewhere in your day to day stress.

So, for example, you know what would be distressing? Some people like to exercise. Some people meditate, taking time just to breathe, listening to music, maybe playing with your dog or cat, things like that that make you feel good, make you feel love, make you feel happy, make you feel more present, can do a huge benefit to you to decrease your stress. And when you can do this and get yourself in a good state of mind, then you can make good decisions.

And when you have a daily practice which can help, especially when unexpected stressors show up, we need to be able to decide how to handle it. Right. So it's not like, oh my God, here's a decision. Oh, God, here's a decision. This is stressful, right? It's like if I have a daily practice where I am just distressing in whatever way that makes me feel good, that when things do come up, I'm going to be able to flow with it easier.

I am going to be able to make better decisions because I'm not on high alert all the time. And a lot of people, especially with anxiety, are kind of on high alert all the time. I always say it's like it's like your foot is on the gas pedal just revving that car all day long. You're the car, you know, and it's always there. You're never fully calm. You know, you might be quick to startle, feeling jumpy, feeling restless.

So then things come in your way. And now that's another load on top of your already stressed, even if there's no particular reason. So if you can find, again, time to distress. So I know I said thirty minutes. Some of you might really feel like you don't even have that much time. If it's fifteen, I'll take it. I'd love you to work up to thirty minutes or even more, but if you can put yourself first to say I really need some good self care, I need to take care of me because I want to make good decisions and I don't want my moods to take over a mess of my brain.

Right. So that I don't make good decisions. And step number four is obviously CBT. So I first want to say step two, which is running it by someone who's not stressed, and step three, finding ways to distress. And then step four, which is CBT there in no particular order. OK, so the first one, step one is just don't make a decision. If you're feeling your overstressed and you're not going to make a good decision, the rest of the steps pick and choose.

Right. And CBT is always going to help. Always going to help because why again, am I stressed? It's based on how I am thinking. So I want to do with thought record. Right. I'm stressed about this question or this decision that someone's asking me to make or I need to make. Right. Maybe I'm going to quit my job. Maybe I'm going to end a relationship. Maybe I'm going to start a new job. Right.

They can be good stuff, too, obviously. I want to write down that's the situation. What am I feeling? What are my moods? And rate them right from zero to one hundred. And then I want to start writing my thoughts down, really taking the time. Hopefully, if you're using the mind over my book in column three of the fall record is really excellent questions. Think get you to really know what your underlying thoughts are and then you want to identify which ones are hot.

And once you identify your thoughts, you want to pick which one is going to be most helpful in that moment to start working on and balancing it, looking for the evidence that supports it or doesn't. And this can really, really shift things, feel making good decisions. When I am clear about how I'm thinking. You can also do what we call double standard techniques. So double standard technique, right. Is, you know, I might say to a client, well, what would you tell your best friend to do in this situation?

And most times I'm talking like ninety nine percent. People have an answer in two seconds. Oh, I would tell them to do this. I would tell them to do that. And whatever your answer is for them usually is the answer for you. So that's the double standard. You could do that. Also, another tool that's also in mind over mood is the action plan. Right? So action plan is your goal, right? My goal is maybe, you know, making a good decision about taking on this new job.

So I'm going to write that down and I'm going to write down what are some possible problems that might come up about making that decision. Right. Am I feel pressure from other people in my company or my family members might be saying, take it, take X? They think it sounds so good. Right. And so those could be some possible problems. Another problem would be I'm just not thinking about what's best for me or make a decision just based on money.

There's lots of things that could be coming up. And then in the action plan, you're going to say, you know, what am I going to do if these problems come up? So you're thinking ahead. Of time that if I know if I'm feeling maybe I don't know, maybe my heart's going to start being a little bit or I'm going to get short of breath, like, OK, I'm feeling overwhelmed, then what would be my one of my alternatives would be to take a time out, as I was talking about before.

Right. Or taking time to go do that for record. So you want to think ahead of time. How am I going to handle things? So these are all you know, there's tons of CBT tools, obviously, but the biggest one is understanding what am I thinking about this decision and giving yourself permission to not make a decision right then and there unless it is an emergency? I think you need to give yourself permission and say it's OK if I take 10, 15, 30 minutes, an hour or whatever, I can grab whatever I can put off if that person's waiting for me to really think things through.

So then I'm not always filling in the stressful situation and decisions that we make are going to create the quality of your life and help you pursue the things that are important to you. So it's a really big deal. It's a really big deal about making good decisions. And you want to use your values, your purpose and your strengths to make a decision and take the time to practice your answer. So once you make that decision, you know, hopefully based on your values, your purpose, your strengths, what kind of life do you want to create?

Once I can do all of that and I'm going to go answer to somebody, you know what my decision is? Take a little time to practice your answer. You can look in the mirror like you're talking to that person. What you want to say, you can write it out. Really think about it. If there's someone you feel close to and can say, hey, can you pretend to be this person? This is what I want to say.

Get some feedback about, you know, how it sounds. You can tweak it a little bit. You know, everybody. Not everybody. I should I should. I want to say everybody many people tend to you just find this raging. I got to give an answer. Somebody is waiting for me. I can't have them wait. Like, that's something. You know, those are all your thoughts. Like, I have to answer now. They're going to judge me if I don't answer right away, you know, whatever thoughts are going on in your head, like, just slow down and say what is best for me.

Right? What's my mantra? Making decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel. So if you're feeling anxious and you just want to respond because you don't want to feel anxious anymore, that's not what's really best for you. What's best for you is taking the time, going through the steps I talked about today saying, you know, what are my values in this situation? If that's part of your decision making, what is my purpose?

What kind of life do I want to create? And by me making whatever this decision is, is that going to fulfill my purpose and reach the goals and take me in a direction that I really want to go in that I will feel good about? So these are the steps you can take to make good, effective decisions. And again, this is a question I have been asked so many times, which I'm so glad because it's a really great one to do a podcast on.

So you get some steps you can follow practice. It's we're not always going to make the best decisions. Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes we will be reactive for whatever reason is going to you know, that we're just human beings. OK, but just remember also, if you make a decision, you know what? Maybe it may be something you can change. Maybe you can go back and say, you know, I kind of overreacted or I reacted too quickly when you asked me that.

And I'm really not comfortable with my decision. Can we talk this through? This is the decision I would prefer to make, right. So nothing is in stone when you make that decision. So don't feel like you're stuck. OK, I know I can be really anxiety producing to think I have to go back and change my mind and share that with the person. But if it's what's best for you, I think whoever you're dealing with is going to respect that.

And if they're not happy with it, it's not really your issue. It's theirs that they might not be getting what they want. But what's most important is you're taking care of you.

So that's it for today. I hope it was helpful. I hope it made you think about maybe past decisions or decisions are coming up for you.

How do I want to make them?

What are some things for me to think about when I even make a decision?

Right? And what is it how is he going to help me create the life that I want?

So if you have any other burden therapy questions you love answered, you can always email me at MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com.

You can follow me on Instagram at MyCBTPodcast, and obviously find me on Facebook and my website - a lot of great information there as well - which is MyCognitiveBehavioralTherapy.com.

You can always rest assured, just as I did today, that I would keep your name confidential unless you give me permission, which Jesse did, which I appreciate.

If you enjoyed this episode, please hit the Subscribe button and make sure you never miss another one.

Thanks for joining me. Stay safe. I'll see you next week.

Remember to always make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.