Episode #41 

Are You Honoring Yourself?

Do you feel misunderstood or treated badly in your relationships? 

Do you wish you knew how to honor your loved ones in the way they need?

Do you always react the best way?

In this episode, Dr Julie Osborn talks about healthy ways you can learn to honor yourself and the relationships you value.

She also discusses some negative and self-destructive tendencies we may be displaying in our relationships without realizing it, and how you can use the power of cognitive behavioral therapy to overcome them.

Click the link below to listen now!

Books referenced in this episode:

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, this is Dr. Julie Osborn, and welcome to My CBT Podcast! 

I hope you're doing well, as always. Thanks for being here and joining me again, so many great emails. So every week I will have something new to share. But today I wanted to share with you Jenna, who emailed me.

She said, “Hello there. I just wanted to say hi all the way from Yorkshire, England, your podcast is really helping me. So I just wanted to share that positivity and say thank you. I love how you explain things and challenge thoughts and even know I was there. And I've shared it with everyone I know and I hope will help them, too, to. It's giving me the confidence to seek CBT help through the health service Big Love from across the pond.”

So thanks, Jenna. I really appreciate you taking the time, your kind words and especially sharing it with everybody is always.

My intention here is to teach CBT for everyone to learn and be able to use it to make your lives a little better.

So I'm glad it's working. I'm glad it's working. So again, I hope everybody's doing well and staying safe and and using the tools that you're learning with the time that you're spending with me. So today I'm going to talk about relationships, and I want to start off by sharing something that I ask a lot of my clients when we're talking about relationships that they're in, whether it's personal or maybe even dealing with work relationships or, you know, whatever the circumstance is.

And I'll say to my clients, you know, are you honoring yourself in this situation? And it's the same as when I tell you my mantra, which is make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel, is I don't have to tell people if they're honoring themselves. And I don't tell people whether, you know, what the best decision is for them. I all that I believe in my heart that we all know when we're making decisions based on what's best for us versus how we feel and we all know for ourselves or not.

So it's a really good question to just ask yourself in the moment when you're struggling, am I honoring myself within the situation that I'm in and especially with relationships? And if you're not honoring yourself, then that's what you need to address before you address any of the other problems that are going on and why or how am I not honoring myself? Am I not setting boundaries and then speaking my truth, you know, am I allowing abuse to go on, you know, what is there for you?

So that's just kind of a staple to have in your life, along with my mantra, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel. And am I honoring myself in this situation? So I wanted to start off with that because I think it's just a really good place to go. And I use those, you know, questions for myself all the time when I'm dealing in situations. So it's just a good way to ground myself, I think, to when I'm kind of like maybe even not sure what the best thing is to do sometimes or, you know, trying to balance things out or please somebody or how am I being heard or am I working and, you know, all those things.

So honoring myself is is the most important. And then you can go forward and make good decisions. So keep that in mind while we're talking about the topic today, which is relationships. And I wanted to address that. You know, sometimes it takes more than love for relationships to, you know, be healthy and grow. I know I've had so many experiences where I've worked with people that aren't in the best relationships. And usually, you know, if I say, why are you staying?

The first thing someone will say is, well, I love him. I love her. And then I'm like, OK, well, what do you love about the person? And many times my client sits there in silence really thinking, what is that I love because it just kind of rolls off our tongues. Well, I love them. I love them. But what does love mean to you? Right. And what is love? Love is a verb.

Love is how someone treats you. You know, the actions that they take, being trustworthy, being honest, being committed, you know, all the things that make things and the things in the relationship that are important that create the love. Love is action. So if you're just saying, oh, because I love them and that gives you permission, right? There's your thought. If I love them, then I should be here. And that's what I would consider probably half thought, right. My thoughts are the thoughts that aren't 100 percent true, that just because I love somebody, that's not what's going to really keep the relationship going. And it's not even the number one thing. If you really look at the list of of qualities and attributes, we need to be in a healthy relationship. You know, love is created by these things and we need to see if that's in the relationship to really feel good and to have a healthy relationship.

So when I see sometimes it takes more than love, you know, I'm talking about is that, you know, we make a commitment to our partner. Our usual expectation is that our relationship will last for life and that our love will see us through the inevitable hard times. Yet when reality sinks in, we have to acknowledge that while love is one of the components of relationships longevity, it really takes more to make it through the long haul. It takes community and family support, which isn't always as available as it once was in our society.

And it takes skill and skills we need to learn, just like learning the CBT. Those are skills, right? And most. People don't have skills, they need so many people that, you know, they got married because, well, that's what you do. And then I have kids because that's what I do. But they never went to any premarital counseling. They never read a book, you know, with parenting. They never read a book.

They just feel like, you know, how to do it because everybody's doing it. But it is a skill to be in a long relationship. Many of many of us have failed to learn how to negotiate our way through relationship difficulties to build a lasting connection.

So psychologists, which you probably know is carried out substantial research over the past several decades trying to understand the secrets of why some couples are able to stay together and others are not. So, for instance, the psychologist that is probably in the most research is John Gottman, who's at the University of Washington. And he studied thousands and thousands of couples and has had a remarkable success in predicting which couples will make it and which ones will not. So contrary to popular wisdom, just to share, one of his findings is that increased sex does not necessarily improve relationship, although it's a really good thing, right. He also found that financial problems do not always imply for a couple that there's trouble because we always you know, I shouldn't say we, but I know I share with my clients that most of the problems relationships have is sex and money. And those are the reasons many people break up. But his research shows other things which we're going to talk about in just a second, that really affect relationships. So it'll be fun to talk about and good to know and kind of for you to assess where you're at in whatever relationship you're in.

So one of Guardsmen's major findings is that couples who fight are not necessarily on the road to breakup. In fact, he makes the point that arguments may be constructive in building a long term relationship because they help us to clarify our needs and increase mutual respect between partners. But whether the arguments will lead to a breakup or not depends on how the couple resolves the conflicts, how you resolve your conflicts. There are positive ways to resolve conflicts that could also really strengthen the relationship, right.

So how do you resolve your conflicts?

Is that a problem? Do you guys have it down? Do you feel like you have tools? Arguments don't necessarily mean your relationship is in trouble and they might be an essential component of a long lasting relationship.

So one finding to emerge from the research is that couples are likely to succeed if they have a healthy balance between positive and negative emotions and interactions. And in fact, strong relationships have a five to one ratio. So five parts, they have positive interactions to one part negative. Couples who break up, on the other hand, tend to have more negative than positive interactions. So what are some positive behaviors in a relationship? So we can be more clear, right.

So one is showing interest in what your partner's saying. You know, going back to one of my podcasts about what did you say, which is about active listening. That's what we're talking about here. Most of us are really not good listeners and not showing that interest. You know, you want to show some curiosity. So when you're your partner, share something with you. It's not just like, oh, OK. But, you know, ask some questions, show that you're interested to really understand.

Another positive behavior is expressing affection to your partner, both verbally saying, I love you and nonverbally like holding hands and doing little things for each other, also showing you care, maybe by making a phone call during the day or bringing home flowers.

I tell a lot of couples, you know, since texting is in our world, that, you know, it's fun to flirt through the during the day, you know, through your text. So those are little ways of showing you care. Also showing appreciation by remembering the good times in your relationship or telling your partner how proud you are of him or her and by being specific. So it's not just, again, saying, I love you, but maybe sharing what is it that you love about your partner?

Also, what I was just sharing about is indicating your concern. So instead of acting defensive show that you're concerned about your partner's troubling experiences or apologize if you say something hurtful without thinking, you want to convey empathy in your facial expression and verbal feedback and show that you truly care about what your partner's going through. You want to display acceptance of your partner's thoughts and feelings, and this shows your respect for your partner. So if you're using my tools regarding the Thall record and you're trying to communicate better by sharing, what am I thinking versus how I'm feeling?

I go over in my podcast called You're Right and So Am I, about how to communicate well with your partner. So that's also showing and displaying the acceptance, you know, when someone shares their thoughts that you're able to hear them, even if it's difficult.

Also, another positive interaction is just joking around, which includes playful, teasing, laughing together, maybe acting silly together, you know, dancing in the kitchen, having fun at the park, you know, just doing some maybe, you know, stuff, maybe doing, you know, let you let your little inner child come out and have some fun and also share in your joy when good things happen. So you want to share that stories about what you're happy about and to celebrate together.

So those are just some positive behaviors. And maybe ask yourself, you know, can I check off that I'm doing these already? And there there's some things I need to work on.

So let's talk about when relationship has some trouble. So that is when one falls into a negative cascade. They call it a term that we use. So one negative reaction leads to the next until there's a seemingly insurmountable wall between the two partners. Relationships that enter that destructive phase need attention and can benefit from the trustworthy confidential intervention of a professional therapist. So I don't see a lot of couples, but when I do, they normally coming to see me when it's like, well, hey, Dr. Osborne, either we're going to help fix this or we're going to get divorced. And I'm like, well, I'm not a miracle worker. And you should have come in probably five years ago. So going to marital therapy, you know, look at it as a tool. I think most people look at it like they felt right. And again, thinking the thought, the assumption, the thought is, well, you know, it's marriage. Everybody gets married or most people get married.

And we should just kind of know how to do this. My parents were married 50 years. We'll figure it out, you know, without having any tools or skills. Or you might be repeating the same way your parents communicated, which maybe wasn't healthy or good if there was a lot of fighting in the house. So, you know, a lot of people think it's a failure to go to therapy in general, sort of then to come to marital therapy.

But, you know, it really is the strength of coming and going to marital therapy.

I can tell you with me and my husband, when we just had like these, I called him like speed bumps. Like there were just some things like we just couldn't seem to get past the resolve. They weren't major. But I'm like, let's just go talk to somebody. Let's get a different perspective. And it was super helpful. And then once you develop a relationship with a therapist you like, it's super when you can go back, even if it's a year or two down the road, they already know your story.

So if we needed to go back, I would definitely go back to our therapist, named him and see him again because he already knows our story would have to go through everything, you know, and sometimes just to get over those bumps in the road because we all have them. But it really shows a healthy relationship because, you know, we're dealing with our conflicts. We want to make them better. So don't wait till you're ready to sign the divorce papers to go get some help.

I just wanted to throw that in there. And that's what a therapist can help. So sometimes the two partners fail to notice when they've entered into this cycle because they feel justified in reacting as they do. But the price they pay is a slow erosion of the relationship, and it may seem possible for them to recapture the love that brought them together in the first place. You know, a lot of people have a lot of resentments and it builds up and it's really hard to sometimes work through that.

Not possible, but it's definitely challenging. So let's talk about what are the issues that Dr. Government is really brought to life and really cause havoc in a relationship. So the first one I want to talk about is criticism. So criticism involves attacking your partner's personality or character, not just his or her behavior. And that's why it's so painful.

There's usually an element of blame in the attack criticizing your partner, Lisa, defensiveness. It may encourage your partner to withdraw from you. After all, if your partner feels blamed because of a personality flaw, it would be difficult thing to repair a complaint. On the other hand, especially if it's stated with an ice statement, is an expression of your feeling. The allows your partner to correct the situation. Sustain a complaint, though, may not be pleasant, can enhance the relationship because it gets problematic behavior out in the open where it can be talked about.

Some complaints often begin with the word eye and criticisms usually start with the word you. So to repair this pattern, try stating your criticisms as complaints that your partner can respond to and not take it as a personal attack. Make your complaint specific and talk about them as a behavior that can be changed. So you want to take responsibility for your own part in the problem? You know, we always want to or I always recommend to always say, you know what part of my plan here, because that I have more control over changing than someone else.

But also I don't want to just blame and I want to say this is my part, but maybe this. So is your part, and if you could work on this, that would really make a big difference to me. So that's how you want to deal with criticism is not attacking the person. So talk about criticisms versus complaints. So criticism would be like you're a workaholic and you don't care about me. A complaint is saying, I feel unloved when I have to be alone so much when you're working late at night.

Another criticism could be, you know, the world revolves around you and you need to have the last word, always a complaint. You could say I get upset when you interrupt me so you can see there's a real difference. And a complaint against somebody feels like, OK, that's something I can work on. Another real big problem is contempt. If the criticisms within a relationship are not addressed, the interaction between the two partners may lead to contempt.

In this stage of the negative cascade is when there is an attempt to insult your partner by saying, you know, you're just a pig around the house. And I don't know how I could have ever loved you. Contemptuous remarks go right to the heart of your partner's sense of self. They are meant to hurt. There's several forms of content, such as name calling, insulting jokes about your partner, mockery and body language, such as sneering, eye rolling or curling your upper lip.

If relationships get to this stage is difficult to recapture the love and it may be really vulnerable to a breakup. To make the situation better, both partners need to identify the content and replace it intentionally with words of affirmation and respect. And they need to work on trying to achieve the ratio of the five positives to one negative. So again, everything can be fixed. You just have to pay attention and be willing. Another big problem is defensiveness. When a person is bombarded with criticism and indications of contempt, it's natural to feel like a victim and victims go into defensive posture.

Right? So some might say I haven't done anything wrong, so stop picking on me. Defensiveness is an attempt to protect yourself and to guard against further attacks, which is normal. You know, we all just react. The victim feels justified in doing this. However, what is not often understood is that defensiveness tends to escalate a conflict rather than quelling it. Right. Because now I'm defending myself based on what you're saying to me and now really hearing the problem.

The partner who does the blaming feels that the other one doesn't get it and is resistant to addressing the problem. This can result in a standoff where constructive communication comes to a halt rather than trying to mutually love the problems in the relationship, really wanting to solve them, the two partners spend their energy defending themselves. Nothing's resolved. The conflict escalates and the negative cascade continues to damage the relationship. So how do I address defensiveness? You want to address it?

This type of phase of the cascade is to learn how to stay calm. When anxiety is reduced, it's possible to ward off criticism but into perspective and avoid reacting defensively, which I mean, just hearing this out loud, we all know how tough this is, right? It's helpful to learn how to react to the overall situation rather than to only the words that are spoken in moments of conflict. Staying calm protects us against the possibility of feeling overwhelmed during heated moments.

And then the last one I want to talk about is stonewalling. This one's really tough and I've experienced this before where someone just won't talk to you. So in the final phase of the negative cascade, the couple finally breaks off normal contact. Dr. Gartmann found that 85% of stonewalling are men. Sorry, guys, but that's what the research shows. This phase characterizes a stage in the damaged relationship, or one of the partners decides that no communication is better than destructive feelings and words that had prevailed prior to this point.

Withdrawing from interaction sends a powerful negative message. And the stonewall, or they feel that this is the only option left is important to note that a common fighting technique between partners is for one to use, quote, the silent treatment. But this is not the same as stonewalling. The silent treatment is used on occasion, while stonewalling is a habitual reaction for the couple and is preceded by the first three phases of the negative cascade right. Criticism, contempt and defensiveness relationships that get to this point are still salvageable, but they're fragile at this stage.

The couple must want to work hard to save the relationship. So in order to address the problem, stonewalling the couple should address issues like learning to stay calm, speaking defensively, becoming aware of the thoughts that maintain their distress. And again, the therapist can help a couple learn these skills. So, again, what I was saying, you know, one of the tools is becoming aware of the thoughts that maintain their distress. Right. So that's my thing.

Is your thoughts. So what am I thinking about my relationship that's pissing me off so much that I'm just going to stonewall? And stonewalling is so hard to because the person who stole mine is really controlling everything because you literally can't make somebody talk and there's no growth. No one's going anywhere at that point. And the other person feels totally disrespected and probably still feels disrespected is just a vicious cycle. So if you can learn to use your tools that you're learning with me doing the THAA record, which is figuring out, right, what am I thinking when I'm angry, hurt, frustrated, anxious, whatever my negative moods are, and being able to communicate that to your partner versus I'm hurt, I'm scared and frustrated.

Why do you feel that way? If you share your thoughts? I'm hurt. Like the example you said earlier that, you know, you choose work over our time together or you're at work so much, we don't have enough time together, you know, and my thoughts are that work is more important than us. You know, then the partner can really address that thought that work is more important than you. And if that's true or if it's not, and work on that.

So my other podcast called The ABCs of CBT walk you through what I'm talking about, the whole thall record for you to learn how to figure out what am I thinking when I'm hurt and be able to challenge that and know what your thoughts are. Right. Which are thoughts that are not one hundred percent true. It might not be. It's probably half thought that your partner chooses work over you, but you need to express that and walk through that and see what's going on.

And sometimes, you know, people do things that they don't even realize that might be hurtful or maybe they're not giving you enough attention and they may be wrapped up in other things in their lives. And that's where the communication breaks down and then everybody feels hurt and then, you know, start attacking each other. And, you know, we've all been there at some point in our lives, probably whether it's with family or our partners.

So to really understand what I'm teaching and CBT, learning your thoughts and addressing them and challenging them and sharing them can really make a huge difference, not just within yourself, but with other people in your life.

So let's talk about making some positive relationship changes. As I said, there's still hope for couples who find themselves in destructive patterns, but they must learn the new skills. And, you know, if you can do this on your own is great, again, find a therapist is generally the most effective way. You know, also, I know when I've met with couples, you know, just hearing me say something, sometimes one of the partners will hear it differently because, you know, I don't have an emotional relationship right the same way as you do with your partner.

So your emotions like it all in the way and how you're feeling and past hurts. So when a third person can say or help one person communicate something in a way that can be heard, it can really change the dynamic. So that's why I've mentioned a few times the therapist regarding this stuff can be really helpful. So one thing is to learn a skill is how to avoid actually flooding. And this is a feeling of being overwhelmed by your partner's negativity and your own reactions in flooding.

You feel that you've reached your limit and can take no more. A person who experiences flooding feels hostile, withdrawn and defensive.

The person feels the need to calm down and they feel like running away from the situation just to get some relief. So a good therapist can teach the partners how to stay calm in these situations and use positive thinking techniques. Both partners also need to redefine the attacks on them is simply the way the other person is trying to make their point and being able to step back and understand that and really want to hear with your partner.

Same arguments are not necessarily a sign that the relationship is in trouble. In fact, conflict is a way to clarify your expectations about our role and our partners role within the relationship. So the clarification allows both partners to feel comfortable and secure, and the couple needs to know that they can trust each other. Mutual respect can emerge out of productive arguments, and making conflicts constructive is a skill that can lead to a lifetime of love, intimacy and the experience of knowing that you're cherished by an important person in your world.

So there's so much to be gained by working through the difficulties in our relationship, and I personally believe that most people I've met that have been divorced really didn't need to get divorced.

But if they went and got some help early on or some help at all, because some people never go get help, that they probably could have stayed together and worked it through, you know, the amount of divorce that's out there. And even second, divorce is just astronomical. And it's a shame. And, you know, I always say, you know what? There definitely some people and I've met them that really need to be divorced. Right.

And everybody should stay together. I'm not saying that by any means, but many people that break up could have worked things out. But it just got so bad and they didn't know what to do. And then it got to the point of, you know, it was beyond repair, which is really a shame because it doesn't just affect the couple, but, you know, family and obviously if there's children involved. So, you know, before you make any major decisions, if you feel like you guys are stuck, like, go get some help.

And let me say this to you know, couples therapy does not have to be with the couple because when I say that is that we're all reacting off each other. Right. What came first? The chicken or the egg type of thing? And when one person comes to see me and I can teach them how to communicate, I can teach them how to have more insight, you know, how to understand what their thoughts are, what their herds are about the relationship.

And they make changes many, many, many times. The other person, their partner will make changes as well because they're reacting off of you. So if you go home and you start acting differently and you communicate differently, you're going to most likely get a different reaction. You know, and that's really what the marital therapy is about, right? Is teaching everybody new skills. And sometimes or many times I should say, you know, I see a lot of people that have relationship issues and they're able to help fix them by them.

You know, looking at what is my part, remember I said that? What is your part here? Let me see if I can make changes and if that person is going to react differently. So don't you know, assume at all that your partner needs to come to the counseling session with you for there to be some progress? A lot of people are like, well, we're not going to go because we're both not going, you know, go show up.

Is it important to you? Is this relationship and point of view to repair or to fix or improve? Go show up. Go see what you can do different because you're playing a part here. You right. It's never 100 percent someone else's fault. What part of my plan? I want to be better. I'm not communicating. I'm having a hard time showing the love I want to show to my partner or how to deal with maybe something my partner's going through.

So, you know, it's a long list if could go on and on and I could share. But, you know, don't make the decision about getting some help whether your partner is going to come with you or not, because a lot of times one person won't go, but the other person shows up and we can do a lot of work still. So before I forget, I just want to mention, as I've talked about Dr. Gottman a lot, he does have a book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

So if you're interested in reading more about his techniques and his tools and his research, that would be the book. As always, the book I use one of my main book, Writer's Mind over Mood Changing the Way You Feel by Changing the Way You Think by Dr. Greenberg and Dr. Pinsky. That's the work book. Use My Clients, but there's lots of feeling great as another book used by Dr. David Byrne. So lots and lots of books.

It's not the only one, but I just wanted to share that since I talk so much about Dr. Gartmann. So let me leave you with some more skills for creating a healthy relationship so we can talk more about the positive stuff you're so doctor government also points out for strategies for improving your relationship. Most of us are not necessarily adept at these skills, especially when we enter into a significant life relationship. But learning them gives us a good chance to increase the success of both our relationship and our total life experience, because when we have a good relationship.

It really bleeds into all the other areas of our lives that are really positive, so as I was saying earlier, you want to learn to calm down. So this skill is especially important when we need to deal with the flooding and also allows us to stay objective in the face of conflict. Staying calm allows us to see the overall picture rather than reacting to the stress of the moment so that we can assess the more understanding and caring parts of ourselves when we are physiologically aroused.

We are prone to losing ourselves in the emotions of the moment. And then. That can mean allowing our anger to go out of control, so there's a number of techniques that can help us calm down. First, you want to take your pulse. You can also take a time out, which I talk to my clients about all the time. When things get out of control, a 20 minute recess allows us to return to our baseline level of arousal.

You want to, of course, change your thinking from distressful thoughts to self soothing thoughts. For example, you know, he's angry now, but this isn't about me. That would be a new thought. And try some deep breathing to try to capture some peaceful thoughts. You want to give yourself a moment, time out to not just for children. Timeouts are for us, and that way we're not so reactive. Another way just to think about this, too, as I tell a lot of my clients and I see for myself that, you know, when conflict arises, if I look at it as an opportunity, then it's not so negative, like, oh my God, what's going on?

What's going to happen? Like, OK, here's an opportunity for me and my partner to grow to to walk through something difficult and get to a better place. So if I see it in my brain, if my thought is here's an opportunity vs. oh no, no, no, I'm able to calm down and to think things through better. You also can also learn progressive muscle relaxation techniques. Your therapist can teach you this. And also, if you listen to my anxiety podcast, I walk through what progressive muscle relaxation is.

And then also an aerobic exercise can lead to a calm feeling. So depending on the situation, if you can go put on your running shoes and go jog around the neighborhood, jump on your bike, you know, take a brisk walk, whatever you can do to let the stress out, it can be really helpful. Another thing you can do, another skill, I should say, is to speak and listen non defensively, so deliberately make yourself have positive caring thoughts about your partner.

Focus on what is right in your relationship, not on what is wrong. It needs to be changed. Share these thoughts with your partner through praise, compliments and words of appreciation. This may be a difficult skill to master, especially when you feel irritated, but the reward your relationship is invaluable. You also want to validate your partners. This means showing empathy for your partner situation that you know, that you appreciate the experiences he or she is having and that you consider them valid even if you don't agree on a point.

Take responsibility for what your partner might blame you for. It takes strength to apologize, but it's better to be right or to have a healthy relationship, which when you want to choose right, you want to be right or you want to be happy. Complement your partner on his or her ability to make their needs known. And last but not least over learn the skills. It might be relatively easy to try these techniques from time to time, but the clue to a successful long term relationship is to use them daily.

And over the long term, these skills need to be automatic and that comes from practicing them. You and your partner will be better off for it. I think I've maybe mentioned other podcasts that, you know, having good, healthy relationships, you know, is work, but it's good work. You know, we none of us maintain anything in our lives unless we work at right. Maintenance. So you don't, you know, get to the point where you want to physically if you're working out and then say, OK, now I'm going to not do that anymore.

Right. Or if you're dieting, once you reach your goal, the hardest part is maintaining. So the same in a relationship. It's not like I'm going to use this this one time I'm going to do a time out or I'm just going to praise my partner this one time. You want it to be an everyday thing, loving affirmations, praising them, sharing. You know, you appreciate that they came to you with a difficult situation or that you can see the changes that they're trying to make.

So it can go a long way because, you know, if you think about, you know, treating your partner really the way you want to be treated, then maybe that will give you some ideas and also use the knowledge you have about the part your partner. You know, I tell this to couples, too, that we all know our partners pretty well, but we ignore the knowledge we have and just do things the way we want to do them.

I want to say it this way. Well, that's not maybe going to work with your partner. So, you know, use the knowledge you have. What really helps your partner? Sometimes, you know, the person you're with needs time to process. So maybe just holding their hand and not feeling like they have to talk. We have to talk right now. If they see any little bit of time to think about this, give them that space or if they really like to talk about things and be available to talk to them.

So, you know, there's lots again, lots of ideas is always, you know, I'm here for you. Send me your questions, your thoughts, any ideas, anything you think I left out or I didn't clarify. I love being part of creating healthier relationships and I understand the importance of that. And I work on my relationship every day as well. And it definitely pays off. And, you know, it's worth it's worth it. It's worth taking the time because it's not all about, again, just your partner, but you're part of this, right?

So having a healthy relationship will make your life better as well. So, again, ask yourself, Am I honoring myself in the relationship I'm in? If I'm not, then what things do I need to work on and what things do I want to go talk to my partner about? And as always, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel. So stay well, be safe. 

Reach out to me at my Instagram page on MyCBTPodcast. 

You can email me at MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com. 

You can find me on my website at MyCognitiveBehavioralTherapy.com.

And you can also find my Facebook page @JulieOsbornLCSW and LinkedIn as well. 

So I'm all over the place and you can find me and keep sending the emails. And I really, again, love all the feedback and all the encouragement you guys are giving me. And I'm so grateful to be of service. 

Take care.