Episode #117

Childhood Abandonment & CBT

Childhood abandonment by a parent, caregiver or loved one can have lifelong repercussions.

How can you cope with your fear of abandonment?

What can you do to move forward in a healthy way?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I discuss childhood abandonment and how you can move forward.

Click to listen now!

Reference Guides:

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, welcome to my CBT podcast! My name is Dr. Julie, and I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life. Thanks for being with me, and I wanted to start off by sharing an email I received. Again, I love when you guys reach out.

It says,

“Hi, Dr. Osborn.

“Thank you for your podcast. I'm trying to draw on your mantra because I've lived my life making decisions with feelings, and I'm always unsure of myself. I'm having trouble finding what's best for me. When anyone else is around, I'm focused on them. I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD, which is chronic post-traumatic stress disorder. Any advice from you would be greatly appreciated.”

So I responded back and just shared that using my mantra, which is making decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel, is always a good place to start. Because we don't want to make decisions based on how we feel, right? Then we're going to be reactive, right? I feel angry, so I lash out. I feel anxious, I avoid. We just go from mood to behavior and we don't get better.

So hearing a new mantra and being like, Oh, I really like that, doesn't mean it's just going to be the new thing you do all the time, right? It takes practice, takes practice. So when she says she's trying to draw my mantra, that's a good start, right? And just being mindful, the fact that she understands that she's focused on other people and it's hard for her is a beginning to be more mindful in that moment that if I'm feeling uncomfortable or anxious or worried because I'm focused on other people, that's when I can just stop and say, Okay, if I made decisions right now that were best for me, not on how I feel, what would I do? So that's just a place to get started. I thought it was a great email to share. I know I share my mantra all the time, but just wanted to explain a little more.

So today's podcast is something that is near and dear to my heart because it's been my own personal experience, which is abandonment. My experience as a therapist over the years, I got to tell you that when we break things down and we talk about issues and understand why we're behaving in a certain way and feeling a certain way and thinking a certain way, I believe my experience with my clients that the majority of them, the underlying issue, the core belief, is focused on abandonment, because abandonment can come in so many forms and at different levels, right?

So childhood abandonment, this can happen when a parent or a guardian leaves their child without proper care, support, supervision. This can have really serious, obviously legal, but psychological consequences as well. Then we call something else emotional abandonment. So this refers to situation when someone is emotionally neglected or ignored by a significant person in their life, leading to feelings of loneliness and security, and sometimes really long-term psychological effects. Then one other way to describe abandonment is abandonment in relationship. This occurs when a person leaves the other without explanation or support and leaving feelings of rejection, betrayal, and emotional distress for the person that is not even understanding what's going on or why they've been abandoned. So it comes again in many different forms at many different times in our lives. But I want to talk about it today because it's such a core issue for so many of us. And if we can identify that and recognize it and understand that that's affecting our lives, it can just make a huge difference. So I shared my whole story on my podcast called Core Belies, but just if you haven't listened to it yet to give you a little idea about my background and how I relate to all this is that when I was eight years old, my parents divorced and my mom left and moved to another state.

I only saw her about once a year. We stayed in touch, but it was the most devastating thing that ever happened in my life. It was a surprise as well. So our family, as far as me and my siblings were concerned, and most everybody else in our community, it was a great family. We just did so much together. We all have so many great memories. So the divorce was really surprising. My parents didn't fight in front of us, and we just didn't know that the marriage was not a happy marriage. So when she left, again, it was devastating. I have what you call selective amnesia. The day she left, I have no memory. I've been shared with me what that day was like and how devastating it was for all of us, and it still doesn't come to back, because basically, it was just too painful for me to even take in and my brain to absorb. So I think selective amnesia is a fine way for me to protect myself. But I remember the day she said she was leaving all of those things, and then for her to go was just really hard.

And so I just went on with my life. I was only eight, but we had a lot of friends. I was social, I did a lot of things. I had a great father who really supported us and just went on with my life until probably 14 years old or 15. I started dating, and I was just bringing people into my life that were emotionally unavailable. So they obviously were going to abandon me. And I didn't understand any of this. I just thought, What's going on? I need to be a good girlfriend. If I'm a really good girlfriend, they won't leave. That was my strategy to keep people around. And then eventually I got into therapy, and my therapist really pushed the issue with me when I said, Oh, everything was fine, and pushed and pushed and pushed until I realized like, Oh, I do have issues of abandonment, and I have a fear of abandonment. Because I thought if my mother left, why wouldn't anybody else leave? I needed to work that out so I could bring a healthy person into my life not based on this fear of abandonment. So all of my other relationships were really symbolic of my mom, and I was just chasing her.

And I really needed to heal my fear of abandonment so that I could move on in my life. So that's why it is definitely near and dear to me. I really see it in a lot of other people. I share my story just to be of help. And I think it's an unresolved issue many, many people have, and I think it's a fear many people have going into relationships, and that's why their behavior is as it is, and they don't really honor themselves because they're afraid the person is going to leave. So again, mine was very severe, and there's lots of severe cases, but yours could be, quote, something less severe, mild, whatever. It doesn't matter the severity, don't dismiss. If it's affecting your life, then it's an issue. And there's lots of issues that come with it, right? So I'm going to go over some of the issues, and then, of course, we're going to talk about CBT and how it can help me and how it can help you to create a new core belief that you are lovable and you are worthy and you're not bound to be abandoned. So one of the issues with being abandoned is trust.

So when people have experienced abandonment, they really find it hard to trust others, which makes sense, right? If someone abandoned me, especially someone I didn't think would ever do that, especially if it's a caretaker in any form, that is a huge trust issue. And if you could do that, like I said earlier for me, why wouldn't anybody else? So you might fear if you become close to anybody, they're eventually going to leave, and then that's going to hold you back and be reluctant to open up and really form deep connections, which is so true. My focus was just about, Oh, how can I be a good girlfriend? I didn't know I was thinking this, but now I know. So that they wouldn't leave. That totally makes sense. If I'm thinking if I did something different, my mom would have left until I understood it had nothing to do with me, but it's going to hold me back from being vulnerable. And being vulnerable, a double-edged sword, is that it's scary because, God, I could be hurt, but it's also what really connects you to people, right? And we're not going to really have good relationships if we can't be vulnerable.

So we really have to address the Trust Issues. Another issue can come up from abandonment is attaching to others in a healthy way. So it can definitely disrupt the development of healthy attachment patterns, as they call them. And some individuals can become overly clingey or dependent on relationships, while others may struggle and avoid relationships and have different behaviors that get in the way of having that connection, and instead, they just keep emotionally distant because that's a way to protect themselves. So my attachment, I guess I was more dependent on relationships. I went from one boyfriend to another. I always usually had somebody in my life. It's just that they weren't healthy relationships. So how do you attach to others? Are you overly clingy? Do you always want to have a boyfriend? I mean, we all know people that just go from one person to the other. Some people get someone before they leave the relationship they're in, right? So it's not that it's like, Oh, they're a bad person, or judging them. It's just obviously there's some attachment issues going on here. Maybe they've had issues of abandonment as well. So it's all those things to look at and understand because it's probably not working for you.

And why am I continuing to do this? I have to understand what's really going on at the core. Definitely, a fear of rejection can become an issue. When you're abandoned, it can really instill a deep, seated fear of rejection. And this can lead to us avoiding situations where there might be rejection, and it can also develop patterns of behavior aimed at preventing it again. So I have people that, Oh, I'm never going to get married again if they went through a divorce, or I'm never going to go out and date anyone again because look what just happened. I thought I was in this great relationship, and now they just broke up with me. Rejection is a real thing. We're all going to be rejected, and I'm sure we've rejected people, right? Just because you go meet somebody to date them, sometimes even a friend, right? And you realize that's not a good person to have in my life, and you decide to leave, that person could take it as rejection if they're very sensitive, or you could feel rejected. But being rejected is a part of life. It's one of those things we have to work on accepting and knowing if we're going to put ourselves out there to develop some healthy relationships, that's a risk.

But I think the healthier we get, we're less likely to bring in people that will reject us, and we'll have less of those situations happen in our lives. With the ban of man, you can definitely have low self-esteem. It can really take away your self-worth. You end up internalizing messages that you're unworthy, unlovable, and this can lead to this low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence. Again, especially when it happens, I think, with parents, when you're abandoned by a parent. And again, your parent can be there emotionally for you, like you're living with them, but physically, they might not take care of your needs. They don't take you to get your medical care done. They don't take you to the dentist. They don't have good, healthy meals for you. There's not food in the house. Their needs might come before yours. So just because you're living with them, it doesn't mean that you're not going to feel abandoned if they're not taking care of you. So it's shades of gray, right? It's not this black and white. Well, my parent was there, yeah, but they weren't emotionally available. They didn't want to hear what I had to say.

They had no interest in me. If I showed any emotions that weren't happy, they shut me down. These are more examples of feeling emotional abandonment from a parent and not feeling like they were there for you, which again, affects your self-worth. You're not old enough to be like, Oh, my parent has issues. What's going on with them? This is all about me. I'm a kid. It's all about me. I'm a teenager. It's all about me. I really need that support. And if I'm not getting it from my parents, it's going to really affect how I see myself and how I go into the world. It's going to also have an effect on if I can express my own emotions. So people have experienced abandonment have a hard time expressing their emotions or their needs in relationships. Because again, another fear is that being vulnerable will make them more susceptible to being hurt or abandoned again. And that is what we're all avoiding. I don't want to be abandoned again. That was way too painful. My brain knows you do not want to go there, Julie. Do not put yourself in that situation. But what I was doing is putting myself in that situation over and over and over again until my therapist helped me figure it out.

Another issue with being abandoned is having difficulty letting go. So sometimes if you've experienced abandonment, you might struggle with letting go of relationships. I've been there. My girlfriend used to say, Your relationship is like a yo- yo, back and forth, back and forth. You break up, you get back together. Even when they were unhealthy and toxic, I've been there as well. And you might hold on tightly out of fear of being alone. But one thing you got to remember is if you're in a healthy relationship, you really are alone because that person doesn't have your back and your needs are not what's important to them. So I know we just don't want to be physically alone. I think that's why a lot of times people put up with, dismiss, settle for unhealthy relationships because the fear of being alone is so great to them. But the sad thing is you really are alone because you might just be dying inside emotionally. Right? So that's something to think about. And people say, I don't want to be alone. I'm like, Well, you really are alone because you're not getting your needs met. And then my example I shared is there's a cycle of abandonment.

So when people experience abandonment, they unintentionally repeat the similar patterns in their own relationships because you just don't know any different. That's what I know. That's comfortable, that's familiar, right? And this cycle of abandonment just ends up creating and perpetuates across generations and different relationships. So I can tell you that my mom shared with me that her mother, she felt emotionally abandoned. She didn't feel like her mom liked her as much. She didn't feel as close to her. And that was a really significant relationship that affected the rest of her life that she never really resolved. And then she ended up abandoning me. So it really can be generational. It really can be generational. And that's something to look at. And me knowing my mother and her story was very important for me to be able to forgive and move on and understand how it even happened. Her abandonment made her so focused on relationships and finding that love from somebody else that it really took over her life and affected her kids in that way. And of course, I felt very loved by my mom. And to this day, I know my mom loves me.

But her choices had a huge effect on me and were very difficult. So it definitely can be generational. And that's why it's good if you have a relationship with your parents, if you've been abandoned, and if you can talk to them and understand their stories, not so much as who your mother or father to you is, but who are they as a man or a woman? Their story. Who are they as... My mom's name was Helene. Who is Helene? As a person. And understanding her allowed me to be able to forgive and move on, which is what I needed to do for myself. And then another issue that can come up is emotional distance, right? So being abandoned can lead to a tendency to keep emotional distance from others, again, is a protective mechanism. So again, it makes it really challenging to form deep and intimate connections. So it's all about creating healthy relationships. If you're fear of abandonment, if that's your issue, and you believe that you're bound to be abandoned, that can affect every relationship you're in: personal, professional, friendship, whatever that looks like, your relationship with your child. I think it can even play out where a parent has had that issue themselves, and they end up overcompensating with their kid because they don't want their kid to abandon them.

I don't want my kid to be angry with me. Maybe they won't like me anymore. It can play out in that way as well. So if you're a parent, you need to see, Am I overcompensating for what I didn't have? I'm afraid that I won't have that good relationship enough. I have that fear of abandonment. So being in therapy was so helpful for me, and it can be helpful for you guys to have someone say, Did you think of it this way? Maybe this is a little example of being abandoned. What does that look like? People all the time say, I didn't think about it that way. I didn't look at it that way. Again, it's all I know. I just think that's normal. I'm just trying to be a good parent. I could see also as myself that there were times parenting was a bit overwhelming because even though my dad was a solid rock and great father, there were times I was like, Oh, my God, my mom left so early. How do I be a mom? I think I did overcompensate without realizing it, wanting to give them everything I didn't have because my mom wasn't there for so many special occasions and life transitions for me wasn't physically there, which I wish she was.

So again, I could call her. It's definitely not the same. I know I was really mindful with my kids, and there were moments I can look back saying, Yeah, I probably did a little too much, and it was my issue. So to be a good parent, we have to also see our issue so we don't generationally put that on our children. So there's a lot of things to look at. It's really exciting because once you can change this, your whole life can really open up. So healing from abandonment, using CBT, we're going to use our approach that I talk about all the time by identifying and changing your negative thought patterns and your behaviors associated with abandonment. But we first have to figure out that that's your issue, right? So again, going back to core beliefs, core beliefs are created when you go through a long-term negative situation or it could be from a one-time event. We also have positive core beliefs, which what I have now. Now I have positive core beliefs that I'm lovable, I'm good enough, I'm worthy. And that's what I have now. Instead of my negative one was that I was bound to be abandoned.

So you need to really work with the professional or do some reading in the Mind Over Mood book in chapter 12 is all on core beliefs, and it can help you identify your core beliefs because there's so many. And they're about yourself, they're about others. They can be about the world, a core belief with abandonment. The world is an ugly place. The world is a negative place. The worlds are rejecting place. I'm not going to go put myself out there. That could be a core belief you have about the world. Others, others can't be trusted. And then yourself, I'm bound to be abandoned. I'm not good enough. I'm unlovable. I'm needy. I'm a failure. There's just so many. So you can see with abandonment, just with my, I could see I had core beliefs about not just myself, but about others and about the world. And all of those were affecting all the choices I was making. So the first thing I would say is to identify the core belief, but just make one step back. Another way of identifying a core belief is that when you're doing the thought records that I talk to you guys about all the time, where you're identifying your negative thought patterns, and what are my ha thoughts?

So when you do enough thought records, a lot of times you'll see a hot thought. So let's just say a hot thought that I'm not good enough will come up in many different situations you write about. So if you go back to your thought record and say, Wow, that hot thought, I'm not good enough, keeps coming up at work with my friends and my parenting, and my relationship, my educational goals, whatever it might be, that most likely is a core belief. So that's a little trick just to figure that out. But again, you want to pay attention to the negative thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself, relationships, and abandonment, and then, of course, write them down and be able to start seeing that most of them are probably hot thoughts. Just because I was abandoned doesn't mean I'm going to be abandoned again. Just because I was abandoned doesn't mean that I don't have some control to make healthy changes and have healthy relationships. Those are my new alternative, imbalanced thoughts by using my thought records. I couldn't work because we're challenging our negative thoughts, right? So we're asking ourselves, Okay, here's my hot thoughts based on evidence.

Is this really true? And also, are they distorted? Are they irrational? I have a podcast on cognitive distortions, that's one to listen to also to be able to identify. So just cognitive distortions are like all or nothing thinking, fortune telling. You think you know what's going to happen. Oh, if I'm vulnerable, I'm going to get hurt. That's the cognitive distortion we talk about, and that gets in the way. Those are other tools that you can use with CBT, right? Because you can assume that everyone's going to leave you based on your past experiences, which makes sense, but it's not true, and it's harming you to be able to have a happy, healthy, full, engaged life and feel the love that you deserve. So again, once you've identified your distorted thoughts, your hot thoughts, we're going to replace it with more balanced and alternative thoughts, right? So instead of thinking, I'm unlovable, I can replace it with, I have value and I deserve love, and I have many people in my life that do love me. So again, yes, my mom abandoned me, and boy, did it affect me. Even though my dad was, like I said, a rock, he was there for me and my siblings.

He raised us. We were his focus, greatest dad I could ask for. It still didn't make up for the fact that my mom abat at me. So once I was able to work through this, I could use my experience with my father and the love that he had for me and the commitment to help me change my core belief. But one significant relationship can have a huge effect. And it doesn't mean that he didn't help me in many, many ways. I'm not saying, again, it's not black and white, but it's interesting to talk about how even though I had a really solid parent, it still made it very difficult because that was my mother and why I wasn't my mom there. So think about that as well. I'd be, Well, my other parent was there. My other parent was great. Thank God for that. That's wonderful. And that did make a big impact on your life. But don't dismiss that you may still have some issues if one parent wasn't there. You also want to really practice self-compassion. You need to treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Remember that feelings of abandonment are not your fault, and you and me and all of us deserve love and care, and that it's not a reflection on us that somebody abandoned us.

It's really a reflection on them. We also want to work on how are we going to deal with this? What are our coping strategies? And we want to have healthy coping strategies for dealing with the feelings of abandonment. So this could include activities that really bring you joy, obviously doing some mindfulness, practicing, some journaling, using your CBT tools. Because once you understand your core belief is I'm bound to be abandoned, you can start seeing the assumptions you make that others will ban on me, and the ha thoughts, which that I'm not good enough. So it's all connected. So when you're having those feelings to be able to still say to yourself, Hey, what am I thinking about that's making me feel so insecure? I'm feeling that fearfulness of being abandoned again. So what are some things that bring you joy, bring you some peace, can get you grounded, be more present in the moment? Those are some things you can do in that moment, so you don't have to go through a whole day of feeling horrible or sad. You can be like, Okay, what do I need to do? Take care of myself. What are some strategies?

And then get back to using my tools. You also really want to have realistic expectations in your relationships. So this is boundary setting, I got a podcast on that. And you want to communicate your needs in a relationship. I have a lot of podcasts on healthy communication as well, you guys, if you want to go back and listen, right? But having boundaries is huge, and obviously communicating your needs. You can't hope that your partner is going to know what you need. I don't care how long you're together, because unless you can read each other's minds, you always need to share what you need. You're evolving as a person. You have new experiences. Your needs change, right? And when you can set boundaries and communicate in relationship and have a good interaction and have your boundaries respected and your partner communicates back with you, that will continue to build up your new core belief that you are lovable and you're worthy and that, Oh, I can't trust others. And you want to understand that not everyone's going to abandon you and not every disagreement or separation is a reflection, again, on your worth. And let me say not every disagreement is going to end up where you're being abandoned.

I mean, there's that fear of avoiding conflict. I don't want to rock the boat. If I get them upset, they might leave. So conflict in relationship is normal. Having disagreements is normal, and learning how to work through them and communicate by using your thoughts. So I know this is what I teach people, is that when you can communicate your thoughts versus your feelings, you're going to really get to the issue quicker. So instead of saying, I feel like you're going to abandon me, your partner might be like, I don't even know what you're talking. What makes you think I'm abandoning you? What makes you think that? Oh, when you didn't call, when you said you would and you knew it was an important day for me because I had this interview. There's your thought. That your partner can address. But just sharing feelings. We can't do too much with feelings. We want to have good feelings, and that's the goal, right? We want to change how you think, sorry, we want to change how you feel by changing the way you think. So the goal is to feel good. But when you communicate and you take time and you say, Okay, I'm going to share with you.

I don't know if my thoughts are true. This is what I'm thinking. That's really a good way to communicate, and it can be really powerful, and you can resolve things a lot easier and not blame someone for how you're feeling or how they made you feel. That doesn't get you anywhere. So it can feel like a slippery slope, I think, at first that, okay, I'm trying to get over this issue of abandonment, but I need to set a boundary. I need to bring up this issue that's bugging me. I'm scared. And then I want to remind myself who am I in this relationship with? They're there for me. They know I have issues of abandonment. They're sensitive to that. They give me the support I need, but I need to be able to communicate so they can be there for me. There's your thoughts right there. There's a thought record I just did. Boom, boom, boom. So again, the stuff is powerful. It works. You just got to take the time to use it. And then, as I was just saying about taking time, is look at it as like gradual exposure. You want to gradually expose yourself to situations that actually trigger these feelings, which I'm like, I don't want to do that.

That's what I'm avoiding. But when you can expose yourself to uncomfortable situations, meaning more like allowing yourself to be vulnerable in a situation and then seeing like, Oh, that actually went good. That person was able to support me. I'm okay. I'm good. I can do this. So it's not about just hoping that things will go well. You really have to expose yourself and see that those that are important to you, whether it's your intimate relationship, whether it's a friendship, family, whoever it is, can be there for you. And so then I can continue to be vulnerable and continually to have better and better relationships. And that is the goal, right? To feel loved and secure within yourself and to be able to receive that from others. And to be able to receive that from others is going to be really a lot about you, right? That how you again, set your boundaries, how you honor yourself is how you teach people how to treat you. And what are you going to put up with basically and what you're not and what you need. And you're going to track someone who is looking for a healthy person that has healthy boundaries.

I want someone in my life that has healthy boundaries. I don't want to walk all over anybody. I want someone to say, That's not okay. I need you to talk to me differently. You need to ask me differently. That I respect. That is attractive to have a healthy person in your life. When you're healthy, it's attractive to have a healthy person that has good boundaries and that are working on themselves and can be vulnerable with you. And then it all comes together. So I could talk about this forever, but I'm going to leave you guys with all of this information. Again, there's a lot of podcasts you can go back to. I'll just repeat that my core belief, one talks about my whole story. I have one on boundaries, communication, healthy relationships. There's so many that fall into this category. And do some thought records, think about, is abandonment playing a role in my life? Am I overcompensating in my relationships because I don't want to be abandoned? Am I picking on healthy people, thinking I can prove myself, and then they won't leave me, then I'll feel like I am lovable, which really doesn't work?

What is going on? Why am I repeating maybe unhealthy patterns in my life? And it's not about blaming your parents, it's just saying, That's what happened. I have people like, Oh, I don't want. Am I here to blame my parents? I'm like, We're not blaming your parents or whoever abandoned you. We're just stating the facts. You were abandoned by that person. And what do you need to do so you can get well? And part of doing that, one last thing I didn't really talk about, because I have a podcast on forgiveness. Forgiveness was a big part of me being able to move on to be able to forgive my mom for banning me. So part of that forgiveness was understanding how she even made that choice and how it wasn't a reflection of me. So that was a big part, too. And I'm glad I remembered, before I finish this off today, that forgiveness podcast listen to, and that's an aspect of being able to move on. And remember, forgiveness is all about you. It's not that you're going to that person saying, Oh, I forgave you. They'll probably be like, What for? They're like, I didn't know that...

They don't even know there's issues going on. So this is all about you to work on for yourself. And in the Mind of a Mood book in chapter 15 on anger, guilt, and shame, there's an excellent forgiveness letter for yourself towards somebody else that is really powerful and can help you get to that place when you're ready. It's not the first thing to do. You want to work on yourself first, and when you're ready to forgive, then you can start. Don't push yourself because I'm telling you that that's what helped me. It helped me when I was ready to do it. That was not the first thing I did. Trust me.

So again, I hope this was helpful. Thanks for being here.

You guys know how you can find me: at my website, mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com.

You can find me on Instagram, at My CBT Podcast, and on Facebook at Dr. Julie Osborn.

Please keep sharing your thoughts, your concerns, your questions. I love hearing from you. Please pass this on to others you might find helpful.

If you listen to me on Apple Podcasts, I would love a review. Just helps get the word out more.

And as always, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.