Episode #57 

How To Say No

Do you feel guilty for saying no?

Do you sometimes wish you had more strength or courage to say no?

In this listener-requested episode, Dr Julie shares how you can learn to say no using the power of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, my name is Dr. Julie Osborn. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

In this podcast, I'm going to answer some questions and share with you practical ways to apply CBT principles so you can achieve a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in your life in relationships.

So I first wanted to share is often I do some really nice responses in emails I received from you guys who reach out, which I'm really grateful.

And on Instagram, I got a message from one of my listeners saying":

“You really have changed my life and I'm eternally grateful. Honestly, you've helped beyond measure. I’m all the way from the U.K. and I recommend your podcast to everyone and been much kinder to myself and working on my core beliefs. So I appreciate that”.

And that's great news. And again, my intention is to give you guys some tools so you can be kinder to yourself and work on whatever things are struggling that you're struggling with in your life, whether it's your core beliefs, your anxiety, depression, relationships, whatever that might be.

I'm just really grateful that I know that the podcast is making a difference and it's really teaching you tools and you guys are really taking the tools and using them, which is just so exciting. And I just know how great CBT is. So it makes me even more thrilled that it's making a difference. And and more people every week I'm hearing from that are using the tools they know about CBT or maybe even did it in the past, but are starting up again.

So again, I encourage you to reach out and, you know, share with me your thoughts, ideas, questions. And I will share them and I will answer them. And I just want to be here for you guys. So today I'm doing a podcast on how to say no. And I'm doing this because I've just had so many people ask me to do a podcast and how to say no, because it's so difficult. And this is a topic that comes up a lot with my clients.

And I understand it is hard to say no, but it's important. Right? So I always say if things are important, that means they're going to be difficult because easy things aren't important. So what I mean by that is anything in your life that you might be struggling with or you say, wow, that's really hard. If you think about what that thing is that you're dealing with, you're going to realize that it is important in your life.

I've never been able to find anything in my life that was simple but important at the same time. Hard things are, you know, loving each other, doing the right thing, being honest, sticking to your own values and your morals, having good work ethics or good values, whatever, anything really hard to do is important in our lives. So when you say to yourself, this is really hard, I don't feel like doing it. Just realize this is actually really important and I need to find a way to do it because that's what's going to be best for me.

Right. So I want to talk about first that Seino isn't like one simple way. Oh, just say no and then you're done. There's so much actually behind it and can benefit from using tools to be able to make it a little easier for you, you know. So part of it is having a sort of communication. It's all about setting boundaries for yourself and with others. You know, your own issues of codependency come up, feelings of guilt that I'm doing something wrong because I'm not saying yes.

You know, it can trigger a lot of different things. And I want you to be aware of that, that it's not as easy as it sounds. Nothing is right. And that if you have a hard time saying, no, we want to look at the issues and figure out with your CBT tools, you know, what are my thoughts that are keeping me from saying no. Right. Which then make me feel what? Maybe anxious, guilty, as I mentioned, less than even worthless, maybe at times not good enough.

Right. And then what's the behavior is giving in and saying yes. And then if you have any physical reactions to that, you know, maybe your heart's beating a little fast, you feel nauseous, even a little shaky, maybe get a headache because you know that you're not honoring yourself. Right? If you're saying yes, when you want to say no or if you need to say no and you're even saying yes. So don't be hard on yourself and critical and say I just should be able to do this right.

We don't want to do this. Should write that scolding yourself. You say, you know, yeah, this is tough, but this is important to me. And again, it's I know it's important a lot of people, because they bring it up to me and say, I'm really struggling with this and I want some help and how to be able to say no, which is great. Right. That means we're working on ourselves and we want to be the best we can be, the best version of ourselves.

And I want to say that even in the best relationships, there always has to be room for no even in the best relationships. It doesn't mean we're always saying yes. What are the best relationships? Best relationships are when you're authentic, when you can be yourself, when you can be honest and truthful with your partner, your best friends, maybe your parents, whoever their relationship is, the best ones are when you can be yourself and you can honor yourself.

So there's always room for no in all relationships you want to remember, you know, the other person may end up feeling angry, hurt or even disappointed. And then this can trigger you and can create the conflicts. Right. So and, you know, we can think of putting ourselves in their shoes that I'm sure people. Have said no to you, people have said no to me, and I've been disappointed and that's part of life, but saying no is making room for these things that matter and again, honoring yourself.

So when someone feels possibly disappointed or angry or hurt and then the conflict arrives again, that could be the trigger for you, right? Like, oh, my God, so many people hate conflict. And I use that word hate carefully because that's the word people use, like they will avoided at all costs. So if they're thinking if I say no is going to be conflict, forget it. I'll just give it and do it. But no, I'm not honoring myself.

And now I feel resentful and I feel angry. So it just becomes this vicious cycle and you're not really getting anywhere and you're not even allowing the other person to really respect you with you having good boundaries. So I want to say also that even if saying no seems like what the person's asking is a simple request, like it's not a big deal, although saying yes at this particular time to that request takes away time from myself and thinks that might be important for me at that moment.

So just because it's simple doesn't mean we say yes either. It's not just about the big stuff that someone's asking us. It could just be the simple things. Again, what is best for me and my honor and myself right here. Those are some things to think about what I need to say no to a situation. So, you know, our brains are wired to be more sensitive to bad news. This is proven through research and that knows have a bigger impact than a yes.

So we do get affected more with the negative, right? Well, I think most of us know that's true. And Seno tends to be a negative. So just be aware, you know, our brains are wired and we react. And that's it's not just, oh, I feel bad, but I'm having a reaction to this as well. Also, you want to remember that, you know, you can't do everything because if you do, you're going to end up being resentful, fatigued, you know, and even feeling maybe unappreciated at times.

So wanting to do everything sounds really nice. And I think part of the problem is a lot of people in our society will give you kudos for that, like, oh, my God, she can just do everything. So it seems to be an admirable part of your personality, but it really isn't good because none of us should be doing everything. Where is there space for me? If I'm doing everything, there is no space. And then I do get resentful and I get tired and I get irritable and I'm just not nice to everybody if I'm not taking care of me, if I'm not keeping my gas tank full.

Right. So again, and so having that balance, having those healthy boundaries, I know it might seem scary to start saying no if that's not something you do. But I want you to remember that over time you will build confidence to say no. But you need to start understanding, you know, what are my thoughts about wanting to say no or being scared about saying no and also having steps and tools to get started, which we're going to go over in a minute.

So using our CBT, we want to know what am I thinking about that's keeping me from saying no when that's what I want to do? What are my thoughts is that they're going to be pissed off of me. I'm going to lose this relationship. I won't get the promotion. They're going to think I'm not a nice person. Whatever it might be, it's going to cause a problem, which isn't necessarily true. Right. These are all hard thoughts.

I've said no to people before and they've been like, OK, I understand there's no problem. It doesn't affect the relationship. Everything keeps moving along because reasonable people know that they're going to get knows in their life. Right. I would say I'm reasonable and I understand people are going to say no to me. Sometimes I like it, sometimes they don't. But it doesn't mean it's going to affect the relationship or that I'm not going to be there for that person the next time they need me or, you know, anything that might come up.

So it's not always this horrible negative outcome, but I need to be aware of my thoughts that are getting in the way of me honoring myself and being able to say no to a situation. So I hope I hope all this making sense. I'm giving lots of different examples because I'm hoping that whatever I'm saying, you will find something you can relate to or that I'm kind of hitting the nail on the head for you and why it's hard for you to say no, because we're all different and we have different reasons why it's difficult for us.

So let's get started with some tools. Right. That's always my intention here. I want to give you tools so you can walk away from this podcast and see I can start Seino, I can start doing this. So one of the tools, OK, which I just talked about, right, is if you do in the Thall records, in the mind over book, you know, you want to write down what's the situation that's going on, how am I feeling about it?

What are my thoughts about the situation will be? I'm sorry about saying no to somebody, obviously, but and then what are my thoughts? And then which ones are hot and then looking for the evidence for and against that and coming up with a new thought. So this is the Thol record that I teach people in the mind over mood book. So that's always my first tool because it's just the best in getting to know what am I thinking and understanding myself.

Another step is to be clear about what you want regarding your intentions on how you're going to answer somebody's request. So you want to be clear and doing the Foraker will help you do that and giving yourself time. To figure out what it is that you're willing to do and my favorite response, my favorite response, you guys, is when someone asks me to do something and I don't have that answer right away, I'm kind of conflicted if I want to do it or not.

I say, you know what? Let me think about that and I'll get back to you in an hour. At the end of the day, I know by the end of the week, so I'm not saying yes, I'm not saying no. And I'm giving myself that space to think about it. If it's something they need to know right away, that maybe my first response needs to be and know if I'm not sure. Right. And that's up to you again to decide.

But if it's not something urgent, it's always great to just say, let me think about it, I'll get back to you and give them a time frame so they're not just left hanging, waiting to see what your response is going to be. That's important because you want to respect that. They need to move on and they need to figure out, you know, maybe go to somebody else and ask if they want help or how they're going to do or what the hell they're going to get their needs met.

Another great tool, which I have a podcast on about effective communication, which once called You're right and so am I. If you want to listen to that one, I talk about the five secrets of effective communication, and that can be very helpful because some of those tools, there's many different ones within that. But the one that I think of first is just starting off with something positive. Right? So if somebody asks you, like, I'd really like you to do this favor for me, I need some help, you know, maybe can you be on this planet, you know, this project with me at work?

Right. So what would be a good response? You're going to say no, but you want to start off with something positive. So you want to say, you know, I really appreciate or I'm really, you know, even maybe honored that you want me on your team. And I love working with you. I always learn from you. And we just really seem to have great chemistry when we do stuff together. And then although I just don't have the time right now, I have so much else on my plate and I'm really sorry, but the answer needs to be no.

But you know what? Keep me in mind in the future and keep asking. So there is just an example of how you could start off with something positive, but still being able to say no and then doing something and then saying some positive things about, you know, not giving up on me, thinking of me. Next time you have a project, I love to be a part of that. Right. So that would be regarding work. I think it's really a tough situation.

People talk about how to save somebody if you're dating and somebody asks you out and, you know, that's really uncomfortable sometimes and you want to say no and you don't want to hurt their feelings. Right. That's when that comes up often. So, for example, they're, you know, saying, wow, I really feel that's really sweet for you to want to ask me out. You're really good friend. I really like you. You know, I enjoy our time when we do hang out.

But, you know, I'm not comfortable moving it into a relationship. But I really appreciate you sharing how you felt. But that's not a place you don't want to go forward in a relationship with you. So you know something in those words, don't quote me necessarily, but just sort of soft, something positive with the person makes a little easier. You also don't want to interact too well. I'll see. Maybe not. I don't know if that's going to work, because when you hint around and you're not clear, you know, it gives that person an opening to kind of keep pushing you.

And then it's going to be harder to say no. If you're thinking about maybe I could say yes, maybe no, or I don't want to do it the way you're asking me to do it. Offer an alternative if you're open to that. Like I was just saying with the work one. Right. You might say I just don't have time for this project. But, you know, if you need me, I'm going to be done with my project in a week.

I don't know if you can wait for me to join your team. That's something I could do, right? If somebody asking you to maybe move right. I need help moving my new apartment. This weekend's not good for you. You know what would be an alternative? So if that's something you're willing to do, that's another tool that you can use. And then you want to be mindful again of what your thoughts will be when the other person's reaction is negative and they do get disappointed or they do get hurt or they do get upset.

Right. You don't want to react to that and then give in and say yes. So you need to be aware of doing a thorough record. Also on the what if they get upset with me and they say, you know, you're not there for me? I thought you're my friend or, you know, I'm your mom, you should visit me, you know, and puts on the guilt. What do I think my thoughts will be in that situation?

And I can prepare myself before I go into it and be ready for possible reactions that someone else says I might struggle with. And then I might, you know, let my guard down and say yes, and I don't want to do that. So if you happen to be using the mind over mood book and you don't need the book to do this, but if you're doing that in Chapter 14, which is understanding Zaidi, one of the tools they have is called a fear ladder.

And if you're if you think of a letter, right, that you start at the bottom and you step up to the top. So what you would do if you don't have the book and you just get a piece of paper out and on the top, you want to write down maybe what your goal is, you know, being able to say no when I need to, there will be a good way of putting it. And then you go to the bottom of the page and you can.

They use each line like it's a ladder you're stepping up. So what would be a comfortable know for me to say and I want to take baby steps and started seeing, like, you know, I can do this or not, everybody's going to have a bad reaction to me or I can handle this discomfort and it's OK. And I know how to say it. Right. So the fear letter could be doing some role playing with yourself. Maybe you could, you know, in the mirror, having somebody ask a favor of you and you say no in any way.

You know, some of the ideas I gave you today or any way that you want to do that. And sometimes you can just be clear and just say, no, I can't help you. I'm sorry. So think about what are some baby steps where you could say no to requests. Somebody's asking you to buy something. Maybe some people feel bad and they're like, OK, I'll just buy this. You know, somebody come up to you on the street.

Sometimes you'll try to sell things and they're doing fundraisers. That could be a little step to start saying no. And then, you know, working up to maybe a friend request your parents request or a boss's request or whatever the experiences you're having and situations where you're struggling to say no to somebody. And then when eventually you get to the top of that fear ladder, right where I can say no when I need to, and the more you do it, the easier it will get.

And again, as I said earlier, in every good relationship, there's room for no, it's not about always saying yes, accommodating other people. If you're honoring yourself, go ahead and say yes. If it's something you want to do, go ahead and say yes. And sometimes, you know, it is inconvenient, but we still want to help that person out for whatever reason. So we'll make adjustments. So I don't want to sound like, you know, don't ever go out of your way.

Don't deal with discomfort. I'm just talking about when you want to say no and you're not and it's affecting you emotionally, physically, that's when it's a problem. And if you are saying to yourself, I wish I could say no and I'm not doing that, that's what I'm talking about. OK, so sure, we want to be there for each other, but we also have to be there for ourselves and know when it's best to say no.

I have said no and some pretty tough emotional situations. But when I really feel confident about saying no, it's much easier and I feel OK doing it and and I can deal with the discomfort. Knowing the other person might be a little frustrated that I feel good about my decision. And I know I'm having my I'm using my healthy boundaries and my self care. And I make decisions with my mantra of doing what's best for me, not how I feel.

So I hope I have been able to touch upon different scenarios for you guys. And when it's difficult to say no, but it's something for all of us to practice is something for you to teach your kids, because if you're saying yes all the time, there's a good chance your kids will see us all the time. And that's not always going to be what's best for them. So that's something you can talk with them about. Teach them, you know, what are healthy boundaries.

What are your thoughts when you're uncomfortable? If somebody comes to you and says, oh, my gosh, I wish I said no to you know, Mark asked me for a favor, and I really don't want to do it because a good time for you guys to dialog and maybe work together, maybe. See, you know what? I have the same issue. I'd say, yes, everybody, let's talk and maybe do some role playing together and how we can say no and try to get a little more comfortable.

But having a healthy relationship again is saying yes. And, you know, respecting yourself, knowing what your thoughts are that are getting in the way of being who you want to be and having those healthy boundaries.

So that's it for today. I hope it was helpful. And it's a start for you to start working towards yourself and being able to say no when you need to.

If you have a burning therapy question you'd love answered or if you have suggestions or any feedback or if you feel like I missed a point here that it would be good to continue talking about, you can email me at MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com.

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Thanks for joining me. Continue to stay safe. I'll see you next week.

And remember to always make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.