Episode #62

How To Be An Effective Parent

Do you sometimes struggle to know how best to parent your child?

If so, you are not alone!

In this episode, Dr Julie shares 7 hallmarks of an effective parent, along with examples, suggestions and advice for applying these proven tips and techniques with your child.

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi is Dr. Julie Osborn! Welcome to My CBT Podcast, where I'm going to talk with you about the tools of CBT and bring them into your life where you can use them as well to make things even better.

As always, I like to share my emails that I received from my listeners, which I always appreciate you guys taking the time.

This one says:

“Dr. Julie, I’d like to thank you for your wonderful podcast, which I've been following for a while now from Spain.

I believe it's a truly selfless act to offer so much as you do to those who need it and may not be able to afford to seek the help of a professional. Thank you for your time.”

So thank you very much for taking the time to send me that email - it really inspires me and keeps me going knowing that I'm making a difference in helping you guys learn new tools and goes a long way. And and a lot of people are sharing them with friends and family and coworkers and all that good stuff.

So I really appreciate you guys doing that. And I always look forward to doing my new podcast and sharing more information that I know will be really helpful.

So today I'm going to actually talk about parenting. I've gotten a few emails from listeners just asking for, you know, different tools and ways to communicate with their kids. So I'm going to go over this week just seven standards that I find that are really effective for parenting. So let's start off just talking about, you know, what each child needs.

Right. Which is really a fundamental need that must be met, is having emotional and physical healthy life. Right for us to be healthy and have that trust, thinking back to when we were children, you know, and ask yourself, did I have a strong emotional and physical environment where I could grow and every child must be able to feel that safety, security, able to trust and feel loved and valued and free to be a child? I know not everyone has had that experience, but it's really important to be able to thrive and grow for our children to feel that way, for us to have felt that way.

And a parent or guardian really must meet these needs for that to happen. And while there's many roads to effective parenting with varying styles, methods, lots of experts out there agree that all the positive parenting rests upon the attribute of love. And you want love to be your guide when you're parenting. Am I doing this out of the love for my child, or am I just frustrated and angry and I'm just yelling and hitting and doing things that aren't productive because I'm so frustrated?

Those are some other podcasts we can talk about is, you know, just dealing with your own stress as a parent. But today I want to talk about effective parenting and ways to do that so that you really nurture your child or the children you may have in the future in a way that either you did feel as a child or maybe you didn't get those needs met and you want to be able to pass that on. You know, I think we all want to be better parents than even maybe we had.

Right. That, you know, I always tease my kids, like, you know, one day you're probably going to be in therapy because of me or dad. But, you know, we all have issues, right? All of us will be disappointed by our parents and we will all disappoint our children. That's just the way life goes. We used to want it to be words, damaging words, lifelong issues. But there we need to address how do I want to parent my child?

And if it's coming from a place of love, it's probably going to work out OK. So no one out of the seven as you need to value your child. So an effective parent always treats their child as being valued, important and worthwhile. And the parents, you want your intent and building up your child's self-esteem through honest praise and age appropriate levels of independence. So parents that understand your child and is always loyal to the best desires, instincts and dreams the child possesses.

So an example would be, you know, telling your child that you're proud of them, praise your child for doing a good job or completing a task. And no matter what happens, tell your child you love them no matter what. Right? So I've met lots of clients that were never praise, praises children and were never told that they were loved, know that their parents were proud of them, you know, and it's just amazing, like, you know, to go through your childhood and parent to never say I love you, you know, but it happens.

It's real. And then there's other parents that say, you know, I try to say it every day, every time I talk to my kids, I tell them I love them. So, you know, all of the stuff, it's more common than we like to think. But it starts at such a young age, it's never too late. And don't assume your kids know that you love them. Don't assume that they know you're proud of them.

You know, we all need to hear these verbal, thoughtful recognitions of who we are and the people that are most important to us. Think about us. So you want to value your child and take the time to do that. Number two is nurturing your child. So being an effective parent consistently, you will display love for your child through positive touch, hugs, kisses, holding close, having good eye contact and few positive words of encouragement and support.

When you're an effective parent, you tell your child, as I was just saying, I love you verbally, physically and emotionally. And being this kind of parent, you're going to spend time with your child frequently as well. So some examples of this, how to nurture them is look directly at your child. When you talk to them, you want to respond in a physical way with a hug or a gentle pat on the shoulder. You know, when your child tells you a story or concern, maybe hold their hand, you know, really stop what you're doing and give them that time.

You want to physically comfort your child when they're frightened or ill, make them feel safe and secure. And you also want to show pleasure in your child's accomplishments, again, with the hug or a pat on the shoulder or through affirming them verbally. So that nurturing part is really important. This is part of us as human beings to having that touch, that hug again, the pat on the shoulder and again taking the time, putting down your cell phone, turning off your computer, turn off the TV and turning yourself in, looking at your child when they're talking to you.

Number three is you want to teach your child. So what I mean by that is to be an effective parent. You recognize in most of your child's learning actually comes from your own actions and words. And being an effective parent, you're going to be flexible and adaptive. Sensitivity can be challenging at times, but you want to be sensitive also to help your child grow cognitively, socially and emotionally, again, appropriate to your child's age and development. So just to talk about that for a second, I'm sure a lot of my clients, you know, when they're frustrated with their kids or they don't think they're doing the chores, that they should, quote, be should be able to do is, you know, tell people, take a minute, go on Google and look up your child's developmental stage.

Most parents developmental stage of their child is higher than what's realistic. And that's where the frustration is. So you want to know what's appropriate for your child's development so that you give them appropriate tasks or challenges or just your vocabulary and how you're talking to them. You need to take time to educate yourself and you want to teach by how you live. You want to model a positive life by being positive yourself. You want to treat your children as you would like them to treat themselves.

And you know, and you want to encourage your child to talk to you about their problems and tell your child about similar struggles that you have and that you had had and what you did to solve them. So they kind of see, you know, you're a real person, you know, mom or dad that's kind of maybe up on a pedestal or, you know, pretend like you never made mistakes. Right. Like, I remember I went through that or.

Yeah, I was bullied myself or I struggled in school, too. Or, you know, whatever it is that they're having a hard time, you know, if they're anxious to get up in front of the class to do the report, like, you know, share experiences you've had and how you've overcome them so they can understand you really can have that empathy because you've been there number four, as you want to speak the truth to your child.

So think about if you're an effective parent, you're a guide for your child and you don't knowingly tell falsehoods or intended to deceive your child. You want to build trust by speaking the truth in love. And an effective parent realizes it is sometimes better to say little or nothing and allow the child to trust than to lie and undermine their confidence. So establishing a trusting relationship with your child will make it easier for your child to confide in you. So to give you some examples of that would be that, you know, if you don't know the answer to a question, say so.

Then find a source that'll give you the answers. I don't know. Let's go figure it out. You know, you want to be someone your child can trust and come to you for answers when they have difficult questions. And you also want to tell your child that you're proud of them for sharing their concerns and questions with you. That's really hard. And try not to get shocked or upset when your child, your sensitive thoughts or experiences with you.

So, you know, be prepared and try not to let your mouth hit the floor or freak out or, you know, whatever might be, you know, breathe, take a minute, really take in what they're sharing. You don't have to respond right away. You just need to be a good listener, because when they see you overreact, that's going to tell them like, oh, this is not something I can share with my parent. You want to show them what I can hear, whatever you have to say.

And I can be here for you even if it's difficult for me. So that's where you want to speak your truth and don't make everything all lovely and wonderful. Let's just be real with each other. And that's going to build that relationship. Number five is you still want to discipline your child, right? An effective parent does offer compassion, is consistent and has honest corrections. So what they mean that a parent is not to be quick tempered and you don't hold a grudge or keep a record of your child's wrongs.

Instead, you want to offer reasonable and clearly understood guidelines for your child to follow. So through patience and gentle but firm actions and words, you can be a parent that guides your child's growth and moral reasoning. So again, for example, you want to make and explain simple, age appropriate rules for your child. So again, take some time to get educated if you need to be. About what is appropriate for my kid and where they are developmentally, if a rule is broken, you want the discipline to be consistent and a safe punishment.

You know, for example, you know, a short, quiet time out without plea. Right. And time out. If you're doing that, they always say is, you know, a minute for the child's age. And then you want to take that moment if you're doing a time out and talk with your kid afterwards and say, do you understand why you had the time out and do some problem solving and then give them a big hug and say, you know, thanks for talking, let's make things better.

It's not just punishing and then moving on and not talking about what happened. Right. And of course, as a parent, you're going to get angry. That's just the way life is. Things make us upset. And it's OK to let your child know you're angry at their behavior, but being calm about and being able to talk. And this is, you know, bringing my CBT into it. Right. Is that when you are expressing your feelings, your anger, let your son or daughter know what are your thoughts that are making you angry?

Right. Maybe. You know, my thought is that you don't aren't listening or following the rules. Is it important to you? And that makes me angry. And that opens up discussion. Right? That may be you know, your child can say, well, I do care, but I don't agree with the rule. Well, let's talk about it. What don't you agree with? Maybe there could be a compromise in as a parent, if you're feeling overwhelmed, you don't call a friend, get some help, go see a therapist touch base, make sure you're doing a good job.

Doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. We also will most of us, I would say, assume that, you know, well, my you know, I was parented, so I'm going to parent. Right. And we just kind of assume we're supposed to know what to do. We don't know. Not enough people pick up a book on parenting, which would be really helpful. And I'll mention a few at the end of my podcast here.

But, you know, you need to get educated and you have to understand, too, with disciplining a child, which I really learned. And I and I can look back at me and my siblings that we all are so different and certain disciplines work for us. Right. So I know with, you know, some kids, you could ground them and they're freaking out. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'll never do that again.

And some kids you can ground and they're going to sneak out of the house as soon as they can and they don't really care. So you really need a discipline based on your kid's personality. You need to find what's important to them that's really going to make the change in behavior that needs to happen. Right. So, again, if you're feeling overwhelmed, reach out, talk to someone you trust. They said there's good books out there, talking to a therapist, checking in.

How how would I handle the situation? I have clients that I'll see once or twice. We come up with some solutions and we're good to go. So it doesn't mean going into therapy. It's like a long term commitment. Right. And getting help is what makes you a really good parent because, you know, you don't have all the answers, but you want to be the best you can. And one thing I used and I learned, which I thought was helpful with discipline, is, you know, just saying when your child is old enough to cognitively understand is, you know, you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences.

So if you're clear, which is important also of what are the rules, right. You don't want your kid to do something and say, oh, I'm not OK with that. Oh, I didn't know that was a problem. And now you're going to get discipline, right? Like, what are the rules? And of course, things come up and then we need to talk about them like, oh yeah, that's not OK. And next time this is, you know, maybe I will discipline you or maybe it's going to be next time.

But, you know, be clear. So if they understand that they're choosing that behavior right, then make them understand they're choosing the consequences. And maybe sometimes the consequence will be worth it to them. Maybe they're like, I don't care. I'm having so much fun. I'm going to break curfew. I'm OK if I'm grounded for the weekend because it was worth it. OK, so they chose that. But, you know, making them responsible for the choices are making everybody being clear.

So that's just something I always thought was really helpful. Number six, which is super important, is all of them are. But you want to encourage your child so effective parents always look out for the interest and the needs of their child first before their own needs. And being an effective parent is constantly being alert for the physical and verbal cues infants, especially in children, give. They can't always speak what they're thinking or how they're feeling. And effective parent always seeks to understand again the child's growth and respond properly to meet their needs of wherever your child's added through developmental stage.

You want to care as much for the child as you care for yourself. So, for example, you want to spend time with your child doing things they enjoy, not just which you want to do as you see your child develop in a particular interest, encourage them in a way that continues. The interest in, you know, abilities will show through that, help your child get started with different things and then allow more independence. Don't do it for them.

You know, reading a book together, maybe doing a chapter each night. I remember doing that with my kids. I really enjoyed that. That was fun. Going for a walk together once a week allows you just have some time where it's not interrupted and, you know, conversations can start. I know a lot of people say sometimes, you know, driving your kids to school in the morning are the best conversations you have, cooking a favorite meal together or go out to dinner with just your child once a month.

So, you know, if you have more than one. Kid, take individual time with each child. I remember my parents did that, that, you know, there are three of us and obviously sometimes we did family stuff. And then I remember, you know, just doing something individually with my parents. And that always meant a lot to me. And I did that with my kids, too. So you want to make them feel special and give them that individuality that we don't always have to all be together.

And your kids might have different interests. Right. So you want to be able to take the time to do that in No.7, which probably is the most important one, is to never give up on your child, never give up being an effective parent. You're going to admit that you have fears and you have faults. And in times of crisis or when you're unsure what is right or wrong, you're going to do what you think is best for your child.

Right. And if you feel it, we got to understand what your thoughts are behind that right. To determine if this really is best and to be an effective parent, you want to create a network of informed friends. And as I said earlier, professionals that you can turn to for help and advice. You know, you're not alone in this. It's a big it's a you know, they say, you know, it takes a village. There's a lot of truth in that.

And you want to realize that there's no single right way to parent. Right, because all of us are individuals. We're unique. Our children are the same. We want to figure out what's going to be the best fit. You definitely want to challenge yourself to find new and different solutions to different problems, because maybe what worked for you as a kid doesn't work for your kids. You want to talk to your friends and talk to other parents who've experienced your struggles about ideas for help.

Right. And again, you can always call a counselor. You know, every parent needs help and understanding and it's available. And you want to ask for it. You know, if you're not sure where to go, you can always go to your kid's school, start there. They might have resources, you know, going to your religious affiliations that you're connected with. A lot of times. Sometimes they offer parenting groups. There's a lot of resources out there.

If you need to reach out to me, I can give you resources as well. So there's a lot of opportunities. Don't feel alone. I think a lot of parents feel alone. A lot of parents don't want to share their struggles because they feel they'll be judged. But we all make mistakes and that's what helps us grow and that's what helps us to be really good parents. So although, you know, your basic responsibility to be a good parent is you have to provide your basic needs right as best as possible food, clothing, shelter, medical care and education opportunities for your children.

And then building on that with all the things that I talked about today. So just to kind of go over them really quick is number one is value your child. Number two, you want to nurture your child. Number three, you want to teach your child. Number four, you want to speak the truth to your child. Number five, if you want to discipline your child, six is encourage your child. And seven is to never give up on your child.

You know, parenting can be a rough road and you might have some days that you'll say, I did not sign up for this. Right. But if you can look at it as an opportunity and if there's a real challenge, your child probably needs you more than ever. And it can really go a long way. I tell you, one of my favorite Mother's Day cards I got from one of my children was going off my memory. I don't have it in front of me, but it's a little girl on the front.

I think she has a bike with her. And I think it's says something like, when I was a child, I thought the only option was to run away. And then I opened up and it says, I'm glad you didn't. And I was like, Oh, and I'm a crier. And I was like, that said so much to me. I can't even tell you because I have really worked hard and being a good parent and having a connection with my kids.

And I always tell everyone to you want to remember that, you know, being a good parent is not immediate gratification by any means. It may take years and years for your kids to come back and say, wow, now I understand why you made that decision or you didn't let me do this. You didn't let me do that. You know, and you have to be OK with your kids being frustrated and upset with you if you know you're making good decisions based on what's best for them, that's what's easiest for you.

So I know I can think of yourself, you know, being back. Hopefully you might have an experience like that. I know I do with my parents that I thought it was silly or stupid or ridiculous at the time. And now I look back and say, oh, you know what? I can respect that. I understand where they were coming from. They were doing what they thought was best to be a good role model for me. And you give me, you know, put me in a direction that they thought was beneficial.

I just couldn't see for myself because I wasn't old enough to know, you know, I was in on the world, you know, and not that they were perfect. They're not that I'm perfect and that maybe the other choices would have been better. But overall, if it's coming from a good place and you're putting your child before yourself, when you make decisions that's going to affect them, you will probably be making the best decisions. So using your CBT tools, you know, before you yell because you're angry or whatever, you know, whatever mood you're having or you're feeling sad, do the Thall record, ask yourself, you know, what am I thinking that's making me feel upset with my child right now?

And is it a hot thought and is it something I need to challenge and have more balanced thinking, and then that's something, you know, if your child is old enough, you can say, you know, this is what I'm thinking because of the choices you've made and I'm trying to decide how to handle this. That could be a beautiful discussion right there.

So that's it for today. I hope this was helpful. I'm going to do some more parenting podcasts, so anything specific you want me to address, just email me at MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com.

You can follow me on my Instagram at MyCBTPodcast, and I’m on Facebook.

My website is MyCognitiveBehavioralTherapy.com.

So I hope this was helpful. Again, I appreciate you taking the time to listen.

Remember, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.

And have a good week.