Episode #146

Conflict Avoidant Behavior & CBT

Avoiding conflict is a common behavior.

Why can conflict avoidance be so damaging?

And how can you use CBT tools to set appropriate boundaries and stick to them?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you the CBT tools that can help you face perceived conflict healthily and with confidence.

Click to listen now!

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, it's Dr. Julie from My CBT Podcast. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So I hope everybody's doing well. And I wanted to announce that starting Black Friday through Cyber Monday, I'm going to have 25% off my store on my website at mycognitbehavioraltherapy.com. And on there, I just have a lot of fun merchandise, which has my mantra that I share with you guys every episode to make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel. So some fun things you can buy for yourself, gifts for people in your life with the holidays coming up. I have shirts, I have cards with my mantra on it and cups and tote bags and just a lot of fun things. So again, it's going to be 25% off. And If you're in the US, there's free shipping, and it's just another way to support the podcast and just enjoy. So I've had some really cool things I bought for myself as well that I've worn and people really enjoyed seeing them.

And again, it can be just a good reminder to make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel. I know you hear it a lot, but sometimes seeing it on your coffee mug, on a tote bag, on a T-shirt, whatever, just remind you, because we really always have to keep reminding ourselves not to make decisions based on how we feel, because that's how most of us function on a daily basis, right? That we feel something and then we make a decision. So we go from that mood to behavior, and that's what gets us in trouble. That's what keeps us from growing, because whatever we choose as a behavior, even if it's negative, doesn't actually change the bigger picture. It just works for the moment. It's a bandaid, right? I call it a bandaid. And in my work, having a beer, avoiding, sleeping, whatever you choose to do in that behavior. But you always end up going back to that negative mood, right? Because it doesn't change. We want to figure out what am I thinking that's causing me to feel this way? And that can help us make decisions based on what's best for us, not how we feel.

So again, just go shop and have some fun. Again, my website is mycognitivebehavioraltherapy. Com, and just click on the tab that says Store, and you'll see everything there. And share with whoever else might be looking for a deal for the holidays. So speaking of behaviors, I'm going to talk about a behavior today that comes up a lot with my clients. So I thought it be something you could relate to. As always, you can share the podcast if you think it would help someone else that you know. But I want to talk about conflict avoidant behaviors. So a lot of people are conflict avoidant. They avoid conflict, right? So if this is you, you tend to avoid confrontations, disagreements, or situations where conflict might arise. People with this tendency often fear the negative consequences of conflict, such as getting your feelings hurt, such as people feeling angry, feeling rejected. And you may go to great lengths to prevent or evade this. And this happens. This happens all the time where people are like, Okay, I'll just do it this once, so maybe they won't ask me to do that again. Instead of saying, No, I'm not really comfortable, Or someone keeps asking you for a favor and you feel like they're starting to take advantage of you, but you don't want to speak up because you don't want it to cause a bigger problem, but then you end up causing resentment.

So that's the stuff I'm going to talk about is even though you think you're avoiding the conflict, you really aren't because it's still stewing inside of you and it's going to cause problems within yourself, right? And you're not being authentic, which is something that we all want to work on. It's important to be yourself and you're going to have better relationships. But when you're conflict avoidance, you end up being a people pleaser, and it's really not a healthy way to live. It makes sense, right? It's that quick thought making decisions based on how I feel. Again, is I feel anxious, so my behavior is to avoid. Well, that was easy. I didn't have to deal with any repercussions. It's over with. I'm just not going to go to that party or that concert. I really wanted to see my favorite singer, but I don't want to be in the big crowd. What if I feel anxious? What if I have a panic attack? So I'm just going to avoid. So I'm not living my life. So this is where I think all of us can find a moment where we've avoided something to avoid conflict, but we want to catch ourselves.

So it's normal, but we want to catch ourselves. And we might have been modeled this, too. We might have had a parent that was a conflict avoidant person, and they might have just taught us like, Oh, just don't say anything. Don't get upset. You only see them a couple of times a year. Maybe they won't ask you again. If you If you say yes, then I'll buy you something, or we go out for an ice cream cone when you get home. So we end up learning these things from our parents if that's what was modeled from us. If you're thinking, Yeah, where did I become so conflict-evoident? I wasn't born this way, but it's a behavior that I've learned because it works for me as a bandaid, and we want to rip the band aids off. So talking about key characteristics, if you're a conflict-evoident person, is you really have discomfort with confrontation It makes you feel anxious or uneasy when you're faced with disagreements or attention in a relationship. I think part of the problem is just thinking about it as confrontation. Just that word, I'm going to confront something, sounds scary and easy, anxiety-provoking.

It sounds like you're going to be rough, like aggressive. Confronting something just means you're addressing it. So maybe you just need to use different language to make yourself feel a little more comfortable. And again, it's all normal. Give yourself a little bit of grace. It's uncomfortable to deal with conflict, but it's just part of life. So we need to figure out a way to handle it. So we're honoring ourselves, being authentic and feeling good about the relationships that we're in. Another characteristic, if you avoid conflict, is just compromising or being complacent. So when you avoid conflict, You are probably going to end up agreeing to do things you don't really want to do, or you may let others even make decisions for you, which is not a good way to go. Sometimes, again, not that this doesn't work, but in the long run, because people tend to repeat this behavior because one time it works for this situation, I'm going to use it again for this, I'm going to use it again for this. It's just easier. If you tend to let others make decisions for you. If you end up saying yes when you don't really want to, those would be some characteristics to look at.

You're also probably suppressing your emotions, right? So instead of expressing that maybe you feel frustrated, dissatisfied, or any other negative emotions, right? Sad, scared. You might just bottle them up just to keep the peace. Keep the peace. Again, that could be something that was modeled for you growing up. If you had this functional home, just keep the peace. Don't get mom upset. Don't get dad upset. Just keep the peace. So I'm just not going to share my emotions. I'm just going to keep quiet. That's going to blow up somewhere. If it's going to show up in physical ailments, right? Having headaches, upset stomach, muscle tension. It could show up in a lot of different ways when you suppress your emotions. And most likely, it might be a people pleaser, which is not a good way to live your life either, right? Because that means that you're prioritizing making others happy or maintaining harmony over addressing your own needs or sharing your own opinions, right? And being a people pleaser, you just can't honor yourself and please, being a people pleaser at the same time, of course, doesn't mean you don't please people sometimes. But if you're a people pleaser, I have a podcast on this you guys can listen to, that comes before yourself, and that's why that's a problem.

And it never ends up ending like you're always trying to please someone else. Everyone else comes before you. Okay, I took care of mom and dad. Oh, now my friend, now my partner, now my boss. It's just exhausting. You probably have indirect communication if you avoid conflict, because rather than addressing the issues head-on, you're going to maybe do some passive-aggressive behavior, which is really unhealthy. You might hint around to try to communicate. Or again, you can just avoid the subject entirely. So you're just going to walk away with your tail between your legs, maybe. You just don't feel good, right? Because although that moment might feel like, Oh, I can breathe now, but then you're going to keep thinking about it. I wish I did this. I wish I did that. You might have scenarios in your head. What are you going to end up telling yourself? I should have handled that. I should have said something. I don't really feel good about myself. I'm weak. I'm not good enough. I'm not important. This is all that stuff that's going to start being in your head, all these hot thoughts that are going to make you feel bad about yourself when you're not communicating directly with a conflict in your life.

A lot of times people avoid conflict because they're fearful of rejection. There's this fear that it's going to lead to loss of a relationship. Again, feeling rejected or just negative judgments from others. I know this is a biggie, and this is where therapy comes in in your CBT tools But if you're going to lose a relationship because you're addressing a conflict and you're being assertive, and you're honoring yourself, and you're being respectful, then that's probably not a relationship to keep in your life. But that's not just easy. So that's where talking to friends, family, people you trust, a therapist to really walk through this and say, Is this relationship that fragile? And why is that? And how the best way to handle it so I can still feel good? And why do I even want to keep this relationship going? If they're going to reject me if I bring up a conflict. There's a lot I just said right there to think about, but that can definitely be the reason why you're avoiding conflict. That's sad that you're going to lose a relationship because you're speaking up for yourself. But I think doing that for yourself and honoring yourself is the most important thing.

And then another characteristic, the last one I'll mention here, is just avoiding the difficult conversations. So you may find yourself staring clear of discussions that involve a lot of emotional intensity, some criticisms, disagreements may come up. Like, I don't want to go there. That's really uncomfortable, so I'm just going to avoid it. So again, nothing... I talked about seven things here, and none of them are ways of honoring yourself, resolving conflict, which is the goal. And if I'm avoiding conflict, why is it so hard me to address it? What are my thoughts about it that are getting in the way of me making better decisions? Those are some characteristics to be mindful of. So I want to share with you, so what are some the consequences that could happen if you're avoiding conflict in your life. So you're going to definitely have unresolved issues, right? So when you're constantly avoiding conflict, you're going to really leave some important issues unaddressed. It can lead to resentment, definitely misunderstandings, and long-term dissatisfaction. And that was what I was getting to when I was sharing with you the other characteristics is that in the long run, you're just not going to be happy if you're just avoiding difficult things in your life.

And you're going to end up with strained relationships because over time, the conflict avoidance can create distance in the relationships you do have. And there's unspoken issues that can accumulate, and your trust is just going to erode over time. Trust Trust within yourself to do the right thing, and the relationships are strained. There's no trust here because I don't really know if you're being authentic. Are you just pleasing me? Some people might bring up to you like, Why are you avoiding this? I just want to talk to you about this. It's not that big a deal. No, it's okay. We don't have to talk about it. So people aren't going to trust you because some people want to talk about things, right? And they're going to want to be closer to you. They're okay if there's some strain that you need to get through some conflict. So they're going to start really like, I don't really trust what you're saying because you're always saying yes to everything, that people-pleasing behavior. You're also definitely going to have personal stress, right? So avoiding conflict can be emotionally exhausting. It can lead to stress, anxiety, being overwhelmed, being depressed, just being angry.

If you're not acknowledging and owning that you're avoiding conflict, you could just feel angry at everybody because you feel like they're just creating all this conflict in your life and why don't they just stop it. So I don't have to avoid it, but you really have to own it and take responsibility for how you're addressing it. And definitely, you're going to lack any personal growth. Avoiding these challenges and the difficult conversations are going to prevent you from developing really important communication and problem solving skills. So how are you going to grow if you're just saying yes to everybody when you want to say no? Or maybe. You got to... Growing Having personal growth is pushing yourself a little bit. I always say it's not easy being an emotionally healthy person, but it's definitely worth it. And having challenges and having deep conversations and resolving conflict really can help you get closer to the people in your life. And then you'll see you actually want other people to come to you. If they're upset or you said something that was hurtful and you didn't know it, like, Oh, this is uncomfortable, but man, I'm glad you're talking to me because I want to resolve this and clarify what I said is not what I meant or came out the wrong way or whatever the misunderstanding might be.

You'll really see like, Oh, this works out. This is give and take in this relationship. And dealing with these feelings that are uncomfortable is what actually makes us closer. If you don't want to lose a relationship, you got to address the issues. I always say people create what they fear the most. So what I The good thing by that is if your fear is losing the relationship, you're going to just create that anyways because you're not being authentic and you're not resolving the issues, and it's just going to put strain in the relationship. And someone's going to... You may leave, the other person might leave. It's just going to be stagnant. So you're really not going to get what you want, which is love, some peace, some harmony, because you're not addressing anything to get you to that place. So let's talk about your CBT tools and how you manage being conflict-avoidant. So one of the things to focus on, and again, I have podcasts on most of all of these things we're talking about today, is building assertiveness tools or skills, I would like to call them. So to learn to express your needs and opinions in a clear and respectful way, which is what being assertiveness is, can help break this cycle of avoidance.

And being assertive, it's not to get others to agree with you. It's just for you to express your needs and your opinions, again, in a clear and respectful way so you can have that conversation. Also another great way to manage this with your CB2 is a term called cognitive restructuring. What that means is you first understand the conflict, and when you handle it correctly, it can lead to growth and stronger relationships, which can then help reduce that fear I talked about associated with it. So cognitive restructuring is you're restructuring the way you're thinking about it. If I understand the conflict versus just wanting to avoid it, then I can use my thought record and say, Okay, what am I thinking here that's making me anxious and my behavior that's making me want to avoid it? What are those how thoughts? Where's the evidence for them against them? And what's a new balanced thought? Which I can then communicate with this person. These are my how thoughts. This is what I'm thinking. I really need to talk to you about this. Or that I was feeling like this was a conflict. This is a new way I'm thinking about it.

What do you think about that? I wanted to share that with you. So you're restructuring how you're looking at it, looking at it from a different angle, identifying the half thoughts, doing your thought record. You also want to use some exposure, so you want to do it gradually. If I'm really making some big changes here, Dr. Julia, this is not comfortable, I'm going to tell you, let's take some small steps. I'm not going to say, just go out there and address all the conflicts in your life because that's not going to go well. So you You want to pick some less threatening conflicts that you can just address. Maybe it's that you're doing all the cooking and the cleaning after dinner, and you want your spouse to come clean the dishes or wipe them and put them away, something like that, for example. But you think it's going to cause a conflict, so you just end up doing it every night and now you're pissed off and resentful. I would say that's maybe a smaller conflict you could address. So saying, Hey, honey, I want to talk to you about something. I'm happy to cook for you.

I enjoy that, but I'd really appreciate it if you would help me clean up, put the dishes away because I'm feeling some frustration, a little resentment, and I'm a little scared to bring this up. Maybe I have created this pattern of, Oh, she cooks and cleans, but I don't really want to cook and clean. I want to be able to cook. You help me clean. We can have some time together afterwards, watch a little TV or talk or whatever we want to do, right? That would be just like an example to be able to think about or imagine what would this look like. So what are some small conflicts that I'm avoiding? Am I people-pleasing? How can I change that? Am I picking up around the house instead of asking other people to help and pick up? Am I doing things at work that aren't really my job, but I just do it to avoid the conflict? Am I making assumptions that other people won't want to talk to me about the conflict? Am I making assumptions they'll get upset? So you want to gradually expose yourself and see like, Oh, that worked out well, the way I said that worked.

Or I need to go back and maybe practice being assertive, role play with my therapist, role play in the mirror. Practice the communications because I've talked to you guys about for so many podcasts over time saying, look for that one piece of that nugget of truth when someone brings up an issue with you that you can agree on. Like, Yeah, I see that I've created this pattern of just cooking and cleaning. I can own that, but now I want to make things different because I'm not happy with it anymore. So I like to make some changes. So these are some communication skills that you can find in my other podcast as well to be able to start being more assertive and how to communicate that when you start picking some conflicts to address. And as always, professional help, right? Cbt is the therapy to go to, I believe, to really address this conflict of worrying behavior because it just fits the model, right? The thoughts I'm having are making me feel anxious, so my behavior is to avoid. And then physically, I might feel stressed out. Again, headaches, upset stomach, muscle tension, difficulty sleeping because I'm thinking and thinking about what I'm not addressing in my life.

And with therapy, you can really have that one-on-one individual time to help understand yourself better, where this pattern came from, these tendencies, and overcoming them. So again, like everything I talk about you guys, it's shades of gray, right? It's not that every little conflict you need to jump in and deal with. As always, some things aren't worth getting involved with, some arguments aren't worth getting into. You need to consider the person you are dealing with. I always want you to be safe, of course. So if there's relationships that hopefully you have many in your life that are safe, you don't feel the person will get aggressive with you verbally, physically, those are ones I would say that's appropriate to avoid. But I'm talking about in general, relationships that you have in your life that are safe. And you know, I could talk to this person, but I'm not taking the opportunity because I'm feeling so anxious that I just want to avoid it. And I feel like that's working for me. But again, I just want to reiterate, it isn't working for you because it's coming out somewhere in your life. Think about your physical symptoms that you might be struggling with pain in your body.

A lot of times, sometimes 80% of that is psychological. You might have pain, but it might be worse because how you're thinking about it. Again, all the things I talked about earlier, like sleep, I mentioned, your appetite, difficulty concentrating, issues with your memory, if you're crying a lot. Again, if you have upset stomach, if you feel nauseous, if you have headaches a lot, if you feel light-headed, whatever is going on physically, is this stress? Because stress can do that to you. And is that because I'm just avoiding all the things in my life that I feel are difficult? The other thing I say with difficult situations is the things that are difficult in your life are important. Things that are easy are not important. I've never found anything in my life that's easy that's important. So what I mean by that is loving people can be difficult, doing the right thing can be difficult, making the right decisions, all the things because they're important. It's important to make the right decisions. It's important to choose the people that I love in my life, and it's important to let other people go. All of this stuff is important decisions in your life.

So if you're like, Oh, why is everything so hard? It's not that everything's hard, it's the important things are. But that's where you're going to get the most satisfaction out of your life is if you address the difficult things in your life, then they will get a little easier. Hopefully, the people in your life in general, are easy to love, but you're going to have your moments that it's like, Oh, this is really hard right now, but this relationship is that important to me. I need to work through it. I hope that's a good example for you and see where I'm coming from. I have clients Probably once a day someone says, Oh, that's really hard, Dr. Julie. And I said, I know because it's important. So what do we need to do to get you to a place that you can address that this hard thing is in your life? How can you deal with it? Are you avoiding the conflict? Is it really working for you? Do you feel good about yourself? Do you feel you're respecting yourself? Do you feel like you're honoring yourself? These are all questions you can go to that I think you get in touch with Whether they're true or not, pretty quickly.

I have a podcast on, Are You Honoring Yourself? Which might be helpful to listen to. And that's a quote I ask myself when I'm dealing with difficult things in my life. I say to myself, Am I honoring myself? And I can come up with the answer in two seconds. And if I'm not, then I need to do something different. So it's a really good way to get yourself centered and be present and say, Why am I avoiding this conflict? And is this a conflict that maybe is appropriate to avoid? Because there are some. But again, I'm talking to you guys today about a pattern. If this is your go-to, right? This is not healthy and you really want to start making some changes and to start seeing why this is a problem. And to trust me that it's worth working on, you're worth it, you deserve it, you're important. And when you use your CBT tools and identify, remember, I'm thinking something that's making me feel anxious, so my behavior is to avoid. Avoiding is a behavior. And we don't do anything just out of that, hell of it, right? We don't feel feelings for no reason.

We are thinking about something that's causing us to feel that way. And most of our thoughts are hot thoughts. They're not 100% true. We have many cognitive distortions, and we want to do that cognitive restructuring by looking at things differently, maybe doing some reframing, and then and being able to do some of that problem solving that I mentioned before that you want to work on and have good coping skills in your life. So you will be ready to address the difficult things, and you will believe that whatever comes my way, I can handle it because I have tools And I have ways to be assertive, and I know how to communicate well. So I hope this was helpful. I hope it made you think about yourself. I hope it maybe even made you think of somebody else in your life. And I think it's important also if you're a parent, knowing that if you are a conflict avoider, to understand you're modeling this for your kids. And if you don't have enough strength just to do it for yourself, do it for them. Because we want to raise our children to be confident, assertive people.

So when they're out in the world and there is a conflict, they won't avoid it and they'll know how to handle it. And that's a gift that you can give them.

So again, please share this with that you think might benefit.

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And as always, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.