Episode #142

Personality Disorders & Parental Relationships

As a child, whatever your reality is what you believe to be normal. But as we get older we start to see our parents in the context of the wider world.

If your parent has Borderline Disorder or Histronic Personality Disorder, how can you cope?

And how can you build a healthy relationship with your parent?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share the CBT tools that can help.

Click to listen now!

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, it's Dr. Julie from My CBT Podcast. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

As always, I appreciate you being here with me, and I hope everyone's doing well. I want to start off with a really nice email I received, which also gave me my idea for my podcast today.

So it says,

“Dear Dr. Julie,

“I've been listening to your podcast for a while now and I cannot begin to describe what a blessing it has been. I particularly appreciate how many practical tools and exercises are included in each one of them. I feel that I understand a lot more how CBT works now and I feel motivated to use it to improve my life and others around me. It's not very common nowadays to find free resources that really go all the way to help you know what to do. Most give away just nuggets of information enough to draw people's attention, but save all the rest for those that can afford to be a client. Your podcast is full of free resources and practical examples that really make a difference in people's lives.

“I simply can't thank you enough. I've already recommended it to a lot of my friends who always come back with a heartfelt comment about it. It's such a great podcast. I do my best to explain to others what I am learning, and I hope to keep the ripple effect that way. My husband and I regularly listen to it and talk about what we are learning. It's already helped both of us a lot. Thanks again for the of my heart. And then she went on to ask me questions about how to deal with a parent who has borderline personality disorder, which she realized recently and is just learning how to have a relationship with her mom and was asking for some advice. So she ends the email with, I can only thank you again for your patience and generosity. I hope that you will keep recording more episodes. We truly love them. They make a difference.”

So thank you so much, and I'm going to be taking your advice, and that's what my podcast is on today, is having parents who have personality disorders and how to have a relationship with them, understanding the disorder a little more in some strategies using your CBT tools to work through these relationships if you choose to.

I know that I've received a few emails about this subject, and a lot of people don't even realize, understandably, that their parents had and have a personality disorder, because as a child, you don't know what that is. You don't understand that you're just thinking this is how your parent is or that you really aren't a good kid and they're blaming you, and you have to be there for them. So as you get older and you start educating yourself or maybe somebody mentions it to you or however it comes across, and you're like, Oh, my goodness, that's my parent. That's why it's been so difficult. What am I going to do going forward? Because they're not changing, and they probably won't, and they're not willing to listen to what I really have to say and telling them that they have a personality disorder. So what can I do about it? I'm going to talk about a parent who has borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and histrionic personality disorder. I'm going to get started. A lot of information to share with you guys with parents who have borderline personality disorder. Now, I do have a prior podcast you can listen to that speaks directly about borderline personality disorder, also called BPD.

A parent who has BPD can be emotionally challenging and very complex. It's a mental health disorder that affects how people think and feel about themselves and others. It leads to unstable relationships. They have really intense emotions and impulsive behaviors. First, let me talk about understanding it, and we'll go from there. Educating yourself first about BPD can help you understand your parents' behaviors and their emotional responses much better. Recognizing their mood swings, they have a fear of abandonment, and they have really intense emotions, and this is all part of the disorder, that can make it easier for you to navigate interactions with them. So this podcast, again, it's about you. It's not about fixing them. It's not about getting them help. It's about you understanding so you can have a better relationship, whatever that might look for you. So one of the first things you want to do is to set boundaries. People with BPD often have difficulty respecting boundaries due to these intense emotional needs that they have. So it's really important for you to be clear, consistent, and have firm boundaries about what behavior is acceptable. So a couple of examples to give you is you may want to limit your interactions when they become emotionally overwhelming.

Then you want to really communicate clearly your boundaries and the consequences for crossing them, but do it with compassion. I'll mention throughout my podcast, some other notes you can make about some other podcasts I've done in the past. I do have one on boundaries as well, and I have a lot of different ones on communicating. Again, it's not letting them trigger your anger. You just want to be able to set boundaries, be clear on your consequences, but do it with some compassion, knowing that they have an issue, but honoring yourself at the same time. You also want to manage your reactions, which can be really challenging with someone with BPD, especially when it's your parent, because remember, our relationship with our parent is very different than our relationship just with, say, friends or acquaintances. We have this emotional deep connection to our parents, and that's why our relationship with our parents can be so challenging sometimes and why it's so hard to get past our past and things that we've gone through with them. So managing your actions is really important. It can be as easy to get pulled into that emotional roller coaster that parents with this disorder have, but staying calm and not reacting impulsively can really help de-escalate the situation.

So you want to practice techniques for yourself, like some deep breathing or taking a break if things get too intense. You don't have to react and address the situation right then and there. Another strategy is you want to avoid personalizing their behavior. So your parents' reactions might seem really extreme or irrational, but try not to take them personally. Their emotions are stemming from this internal sense of insecurity, feeling instability, not from anything you've done. This is their issue. So you don't want to personalize it. You do want to encourage some treatment if they're willing to hear you out. You can't force anyone to get help, but you can always encourage your parents to get therapy, which can also obviously be beneficial. Other than CBT, there's a therapy called D-BT. The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, that overlaps a little bit with CBT, but it's the therapy that really specializes for clients who have BPD, and it can help manage these symptoms of the emotional regulation that they need to work on and the interpersonal conflicts they have. So it's something you can just say, Hey, Mom or Dad, this is a therapist I found. I think it'd be a really good fit for you.

I just want to share that with you. If you're interested, you can always call them. And then I would just walk away and leave it there. It has to be their choice. And what you can do for yourself is seeking support. So it's just so important, I'd say essential, to take care of your emotional health as well. So you may If you want to find a therapist for yourself to just help process all these complex emotions that come from dealing with a parent with BPD. There's maybe support groups, both online or in person. Obviously, find a good therapist. Obviously, I would recommend CBT therapist to really be able to teach you the tools to manage this relationship. All of these resources can provide comfort and advice from other people in similar situations when you do the support groups. Support groups have tons of research Search backing up that it's one of the best therapies out there because you're with people that have really experienced the same thing and can really truly understand. That's why if you've ever been to a support group and you're sharing or you're hearing someone sharing, other people are just nodding their heads like, Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I really get that. That can be a really supportive environment. You also want to be prepared for emotional swings if your parent has borderline personality disorder, because they may go through phases of idealizing with you, followed by periods of devaluing you through anger. So first, I'm really connected to you. I think you're great. And then other times, I think you're terrible and you're no good and you're not a good daughter or good son. So knowing this pattern and recognizing that it's part of their condition can help you maintain that emotional distance, those boundaries to protect your own well-being. The emotional swings with BPD, just generalizing, but it's a love-hate relationship. Sometimes they either think you're the greatest thing or you're the worst. And that's why it's just so horrible and distressing and difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has bipolar personality disorder. Especially, you can imagine If you haven't gone through this as a child, one minute my parent thinks I'm great and the next are going to tell me I'm a failure, like I'm not sure where to go with this. And as a child, I'm going to internalize all of it.

And you're my parents, so I'm assuming you know what you're talking about. So we need to give ourselves a lot of self-compassion and grace once we understand what we went through and what the real situation is. And as always, you want to really practice some good self-care. Take time for activities that reduce your stress and bring you joy. Doing self-care on a regular basis is good for all of us and will help you stay resilient when you're facing these emotional challenges that arise from your parents' disorder. So the better off we are, the better we can manage our lives, right? You also want to avoid any escalation. So when tensions are really high with your parent, try to de-escalate it rather than arguing or defending yourself aggressively. You can try to calmly redirect the conversation Or again, just take a time out if necessary. Timeouts, I always say, are not just for children. They're definitely for adults. I take timeouts like, Hey, I need to remove myself from this conversation right now. I need to think it through. How do I want to respond? Do I want to respond? Do I need to set some boundaries?

So having a time out can give you the opportunity to calm down. Use your CBT tools. What are my thoughts right now? Why am I feeling this way? Which ones are hot? They need to balance them out. Which ones are facts? You're going to have some facts going on here. So then what am I going to do about them? And one of the last strategies for parents that have bipolar... I'm sorry, not bipolar, borderline personality disorder is important to have realistic expectations what you can change. You might not be able to, quote, fix your parents or their behavior, but you can control your reactions and take steps to protect your own emotional well-being. And being able to get to a place of balancing compassion for your parents with the need for your own emotional health, you really will be able to navigate the challenges of this relationship with a greater stability, which will just give you more self-confidence. And again, being able to honor yourself now in the relationship as it is because you weren't able to do that when you were a kid. So that's dealing with someone with the BPD. So now I'm going to go on to dealing with the parent who has narcissistic personality disorder.

This can be a really emotionally exhausting and also complex relationship. Individuals with NPD often have an inflated sense of self-importance. They have a need for admiration. They lack empathy. So think about, those are all the things you need from a parent, and that's not what they are able to give you. So just like I was saying about a parent with B, PD, you also want to understand a parent who has the narcissistic personality disorder because it can help you recognize and understand your parents' behaviors. So narcissistic individuals often feel entitled. They may manipulate or gaslight you. I also have a podcast on gaslighting, if you want to learn more about that. They can be hypersensitive to criticism. They're very self-centered, and the self-centered behavior isn't necessarily malicious, but it stems from these very deep insecurities. People with narcissistic personality disorder have a lot of insecurity within themselves. And the behavior that comes out shows that they don't, but they do. So it ends up making them really sensitive and can be very reactive when they feel insecure. So just like the last What I was talking about is setting clear boundaries again. This is really crucial when dealing with a narcissistic parent because they're going to try to dominate your conversations, they're going to dismiss your feelings, and they're going to demand excessive attention.

So what can you do with setting clear boundaries? You need to clearly define what's acceptable. So for example, you might say to them, I won't tolerate being yelled at. You want to firmly but calmly communicate your boundaries without explaining or justifying them too much. Narcissists tend to argue or be manipulative, so then you're going to lose that conversation and lose the intent, which is to set your boundary. Just want to be calm and you don't have to explain it. It's your boundary. That's the end of the conversation. You need to really hold firm to any consequences that you're going to tell them if your boundaries are violated. You might say, If you continue to criticize me, I'm going to leave the conversation. And as soon as a criticism starts, you need to get up and leave. Even if they try to apologize, Oh, no, no, no, give me another chance. Let me start over. Nope, I'm leaving the conversation. I told you that's what I was going to do. When you set boundaries with anybody, consistency is the most important thing. When you're not consistent, you're giving the message of, I'm not really going to stick to my boundaries.

And people that are narcissic will take advantage of that, and they will keep pushing and pushing those boundaries, you need to be consistent, not just for them to understand, but really mostly for yourself, because this is how you can emotionally take care of yourself if you're dealing with a parent who's a racist. You also don't want to engage in power struggles. Narcists often seek validation and attention through arguments or trying to control you. That's important to remember. When you engage in power struggles, it just escalates the situation. What can you do Instead, you can stay calm and avoid being drawn into the emotional debates because you're not going to get anywhere. If possible, you want to disengage from the conversation when it comes emotionally charged. You also want to respond with neutral and what we call non-reactive statements to avoid fueling their need for conflict or control because they're just going to feed off of that. So you want to respond with just neutral like, I don't want to have this conversation right now. We can talk about this later. I'm going to leave. If you live in the home, I'm going to go take a walk.

I need some time to myself. Not being reactive, and then just removing yourself from the situation. If you can, if you're in the car with them. I would just say, I'm not going to engage in this conversation right now, and just be quiet till you get home, because nothing you say at that point is going to be beneficial to you. You also want to manage your expectations. A really key part of with a narcissic parent is lowering your expectations about their ability to empathize with you, support you, or provide emotional nurturing. I know that sounds so negative and sad, but accepting that your parent may not meet your emotional needs can actually help you reduce your disappointment and frustration and reminding yourself not to personalize this. You want to also avoid seeking validation because people with narciss personality disorder, have difficulty providing unconditional love or approval, which is what we're looking for from our parents. I always say it's the one relationship where there really is unconditional love. So when you seek validation from them, it can just lead to more emotional hurt. Focus on finding your own self-worth and affirmation from other relationships or within yourself.

It's about accepting that, This is my parents. It's not that they don't love you, but they're not able to show that because of this mental health disorder that they have. I know some moments you'll be clear about that and be like, Okay, I get it. I get it. In other moments, it's really difficult. You have to give yourself some grace and know this is I always say progress, not perfection. It's something I'm always working on. As always, you want to prioritize your emotional health. Narcistic parents can make you feel guilty, inadequate, or even responsible for their emotions because they tend to be blamers. It's everybody else's fault. They don't own anything. So it's essential, again, to take care of your own mental and emotional health. So obviously, that can be therapy. Going to a therapist can help you process all the challenges you're dealing with, having a narciss parent, and help you develop some really good coping strategies, and many other things in therapy, obviously. Just even understanding and connecting probably some situations in your childhood that you might still feel confused about angry about, traumatized about. And of course, self-care, doing activities that reduce your stress and nourish yourself, nourish your own mental well-being.

Exercising, mindfulness techniques, hobbies you have. Spending spending time with supportive friends. This is all ways to self-care that you really need to do that when you have a relationship like this you're dealing with. And especially with narciss parents, you want to limit your emotional disclosure. So what I What I mean by that is you want to be mindful on how much personal or emotional information you share with a narcissic parent. They may use your vulnerabilities against you, sadly enough. They may manipulate or criticize you. So keeping an Emotion is more surface or neutral can help protect your emotional boundaries. And even though you might be like, Oh, I don't want to do that. I want to be closer. I would take some time to think about your past and ask yourself, When I've allowed myself to share personal or emotional information, how was my parent towards me? How did they react? Was it a positive thing? Did it benefit me? And to have to really be honest with yourself. And if not, even though it's disappointing, I need to do things differently so I don't keep getting hurt. You also want to avoid criticism and confrontation because when you criticize a narciss parent directly, will often lead to them being defensive them getting angry at you, and again, the blame shifting, which is what I just mentioned.

They can lash out or deflect blame onto you or others. And instead of confronting them directly about their narcissism, you want to use indirect methods to manage their behavior. So that's where you want to, again, stay calm, and in a conversation, then become hostile. So it's going to be a lot of self-management on your part. It's not managing them. It's how am I handling this relationship. You also want to recognize when they're gaslighting you. Narcistic parents often gaslight their children, making them doubt their own reality, their memories of what happened. If your parent does deny or twist things or manipulate the truth, you need to stay grounded in what you know is real. Trust your own experiences, and if necessary, keep a record of conversations or events to help reinforce your own sense of reality. So going to what I was just saying, that looking back at other situations and writing them down, like when I was vulnerable or share with my parent what happened. When they twist things, try to manipulate me, change the story, if they're always blaming, these are things to write down that you can just go too easily and be like, Oh, yeah, that's right.

That's what they do. I need to be more mindful as I step into this day with them or this situation I'm going to go to or a conversation they want to have. I need to remind myself that this is what happens, remind myself what are my boundaries and what is my plan if things get too hostile. Sometimes you just need to create emotional distance. Detaching can be helpful when dealing with a parent who is a narcissist. Sometimes I know physical distance is not always possible if you live with them, but just to reduce the emotional weight that you place on their words or reactions, not taking it all in, not personalizing it, and limiting your emotional vulnerability with them by not allowing their criticisms or dismissive behavior to find your own self-worth. So I know just talking to you guys about this out loud, it's all really challenging and really tough. And I think that's why it's a really good subject to talk about because it's not an easy thing to do. That's why you need to find that external support, right? It can feel really isolating to have a narcissistic parent. That's why it's so important to seek out others and talking to friends, maybe other family members that see it as you do.

Again, support groups. I believe there's some out there for adult children with narciss parents or connecting with other people who can just understand and really validate your experience and give you the support you need. It's always good If you can find others within your circle that know your parents, be like, Oh, yeah, I understand what you're talking about. I see it. I've experienced that. Whatever, however they've handled it can be really affirming that it's just not you. And if necessary, You may not have contact with them or even just have low contact. In extreme cases, having low contact or none might be the best option to protect your well-being, especially if the relationship ends up being emotionally or mentally abusive. This is a really personal decision, and it's important to prioritize your mental health and your safety for sure. But it's a very, again, an individual decision if you consider to do this, And again, nothing's written in stone. If you're like, I need to take a week off, a month off, a year off of not having contact for your mental health, and even if you're possibly your safety, then that is what's best for you.

And that's what honoring yourself is all about. So just to go over some key points with the borderline personality, disorder of parents, narcissistic is you want to educate yourself and understand their behavior is stemming from a personality disorder. It doesn't excuse it, but just understanding it. You want to set clear boundaries and have really firm limits on what is acceptable behavior to you. That emotional detachment is don't expect empathy or emotional nurturing, which is tough, but that's really important. Focusing on your self-care, as I mentioned. You want to protect your mental health through therapy, support, and your self-care practices. And then definitely have a support system, relying on friends, family, your therapist to get validation and support for what you're seeing and feeling and your plan going forward. So all of my CBT tools I've taught you guys obviously play a huge role here. Because everything that I've talked about up to this point is your emotions, and why am I feeling this? Based on how I'm thinking. My environment, which is spending time with my parents, is a huge aspect of CBT. What are my behaviors? Am I lashing out? Am I just getting angry?

Am I yelling with them? Am I letting them just take my self-worth away? Am I personalize everything they're doing? Being able to use your CBT tools, doing thaw records, asking yourself, what would I tell a friend if they were going through the situation? These are all things that can ground you and get you centered so that you can handle the situation better. I thought it'd be helpful also because part of CBT is communication skills. I wanted to give you some specific examples and some strategies. If your parent has borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder, and how to communicate them because it can be so difficult when your parent has a personality disorder and how they regulate their emotions, again, the empathy points, personal relationships. I'm going to give you a couple of examples here. So dealing with accusations or emotional outburst, right? So if your parent has BPD, and they call you and accuse you of not caring about them because you didn't answer their last phone call right away, your behavior is that you may feel abandoned or betrayed over something minor, and you can react in a real emotional way. Again, that's CBT.

Someone says something to me, I feel a certain way my behavior can come out, which is reacting emotionally. So a good strategy is just validate their feelings without endorsing this distortion they're throwing at you. So you might say something like, I can see that you're upset that I didn't answer. I'm sorry you felt ignored. I wasn't able to answer because I was busy, not because I don't care. So that would be one way to answer that accusation. They may also accuse you of disrespecting them at times because you didn't agree with their opinion or decision. They perceive your disagreement as a personal attack or a threat to their authority. That's the narcissistic part. What's a strategy for this? If your parent is narcissistic, you can avoid the direct confrontation. So instead of just saying you're wrong, you can just say, I can see where you're coming from, but I have a different perspective. That's that balanced thinking right there, and you're communicating. Again, you want to maintain your boundaries. If they keep pushing you for validation, or even admiration, you can commonly end the conversation. You know that you can say something like, I value our discussions, but I'm not comfortable with how things are going right now.

Let's talk later. Right? And that's taking that time out. If your parent with borderline personality is trying to be emotionally manipulative, they may say something to like, If you really love me, you would visit me more often, and trying to make you feel guilty and spending more time with them. Their behavior, they're expressing fear of abandonment or rejection by using manipulation to get attention, and that's very borderline behavior. What would be a strategy is you can acknowledge their need while still setting limits. You could say something like, I know it's important for you to spend time with me and I love you. I also have other responsibilities I need to balance, but I'm here when I can be. You want to stay calm and detached, though. Don't ever over explain or feel compelled to justify yourself. You can acknowledge their feelings without getting into the manipulation. You can say something like, I understand this is hard for you, but this is the best I can do right now. So you see it all? It sounds... Those are good responses, right? You're not defending yourself in an angry way. You're not ignoring what they're saying. People want to hear that you hear what they say.

They want to be acknowledged. This is across the board. So when you can acknowledge what they're saying, I understand that you feel hurt by this or that, but I'm not able to be there for you right now is a really good way to balance that out. One other example, if you have a narcissistic personality, if your parent has a narcissistic personality disorder, they may say, No one appreciates me for everything I've done for you or them, expecting praise and validation for past sacrifices. Here, their behaviors are using guilt and that entitlement to demand admiration or recognition. Here's a strategy. You can offer a calm acknowledgement without feeding into their grandiosity of themselves. You can say something like, I do appreciate everything you've done for me. I'm grateful for your support, but I like to discuss how we can move forward in our relationship. So that way you're not getting stuck in what they're saying. You can also shift the conversation and redirect the focus from the past or their need for admiration to something more constructive. So you could say something like, I hear you, but let's focus on how we can move to a more balanced conversation.

And also, definitely be prepared for them to get defensive. If they continue to manipulate, calmly hold your boundary. I don't want to get into a guilt conversation right now. I'm sharing these because I think it's really helpful to always have a plan of action because then you're going to have a better outcome. How am I going to handle this if this comes up? I I want to continue with some more strategies for you because I think they'll be helpful. If your parent has B, PD, how can you handle criticism or when they devalue you? They become angry and they may say something like, You're just like your father or mother. You never care about me. This might come after a disagreement you have with them. Their behavior might shift from idealizing you to devaluing you as a defense against feeling vulnerable. This is something that happens a lot with people that have borderline personality disorder. So the first thing is, again, don't take it personally. Recognize the shift is about their emotional instability and not you. If you are able to, you want to respond with empathy. So you might say something like, It sounds like you're really feeling hurt.

That wasn't my intention, and I care about our relationship. You can redirect the conversation to something more constructive and say, Let's focus on how we can resolve this. What can we do differently next time? And you can also just avoid over-engaging in the argument. If it becomes too volatile, take a break. You can say something like, I think we need to pause and continue when we're both feeling calmer and taking that time out. Then dealing with the narcissistic parents with criticism. They may say, You'll never be successful because you don't have the drive I had, and this is a way to undermine you. They may be projecting their own insecurities onto you and seeking to diminish your confidence because that's what narcissists do. So your strategy would be to avoid defending or explaining too much. Narcistic individuals, you got to remember, often want a reaction. Instead of defending yourself, you want to use nonreactive constructive language like, Hey, I'm doing my best, and that's enough for me. That would be something you could say. You can also redirect attention away from their critical tone by saying, I'd rather focus on constructive feedback. How can we talk about this in a way that's more helpful?

Then you can always end the conversation, if it becomes too toxic. You can say something like, I don't find this conversation productive right now. Let's revisit this another time. You can always end a conversation. You can always get off the phone. You always want to remember that you're not stuck continuing the conversation. Let's talk about responding to grandiosity and entitlement behavior. With a parent who's borderline, they may say, You never prioritize me anymore. And after everything I've done for you, after you take a day off for yourself, for example, right? So this stems from their own insecurities and fear that you're pulling away emotionally. So a strategy would be to reaffirm their importance, but reinforce your own needs, right? This is a boundary. I care about you a lot, but I also need time for myself. It helps me stay balanced when I have time for myself so I can be there for you when we spend time together. You want to use a calm tone to de-escalate. Avoid getting defensive. Instead, you want to give some reassurance by saying, I know you feel hurt, but I also need to take care of myself to be fully present when you're together.

You can see just these examples I'm giving you. They're hard to argue back because they're caring and they're loving. So last strategy here is if you have a narcissistic parent, and they say to you something like, I deserve more respect from you. You should treat me like the authority in your life. So they're demanding this unway favoring admiration and compliance from you because narcissists often expect special treatment and admiration from others. So a strategy would be to hold firm to your boundaries. You can say, I respect you, but respect goes both ways, and I need you to feel heard as well. I'm sorry, let me correct myself. I need to feel hurt as well. You want to offer neutral responses, so avoid inflating their sense of entitlement. You want to say something like, I value our relationship, but respect for me also matters in how interact. And don't engage in a power struggle. If they continue pushing for dominance, respond calmly and assertively and just disengage. You can say something like, I'm not comfortable with this direction of the conversation. I know I've shared a lot today. I hope this gives you a lot of good ideas.

I want to talk about some final tips for the personality disorders of borderline and narcissism. You want to stay consistent because parents with these personalitis My disorders will test your boundaries. It's just essential to stay consistent with your responses. Again, don't over explain. Neither personality type responds well to long explanations or justifications, and you don't have to explain yourself. And again, focus on self-care. Protect your emotional health by having personal boundaries. And the last, but not least, is to stay calm and avoid that emotional escalation that they want from you. These parents just thrive thrive on emotional reactions, so remaining calm can help de-escalate situations, and you will feel like it's best for you and you're honoring yourself. So that is regarding borderline personality disorder, narcissic personalities with parents. So I'm going to talk, last but not least, I'm going a little long today, but I think it's important to share all this with you. One other personality disorder people don't hear a lot about is called histrionic personality disorder. Dealing with a parent who has this can be really challenging due to their emotional expressiveness, need for attention, and they have a tendency to dramatize situations.

Histrionic personality disorder is characterized by excessive emotional rationality and attention-seeking behaviors, which often make communication really difficult. People, they call this one HPD, may have a need to be the center of attention. They may display exaggerated emotions and be highly sensitive to criticism or rejection. I'm going to give you some strategies to help you communicate more effectively if your parent has HPD and some examples on how to deal with this. Dealing with the attention-seeking behavior, your parent might interrupt a family gathering and dramatically announced that no one ever appreciates them, and they draw attention to themselves. So this is because they feel overlooked and they use exaggerated or theatrical behavior to regain the spotlight, because that's what HPD The people do. So your strategy is just acknowledge their feelings without amplifying the drama. You can say something like, I hear that you're feeling unappreciated, and I'm sorry you feel that way. We all care about you. You can generally redirect the conversation after you acknowledge their emotions. Move the focus back to the group. Why don't we all talk about something fun we did together recently? I remember you planned that great trip for all of us last summer.

And avoid feeding into the drama, sorry. Don't let the conversation center They're too much on their complaint. You want to stay calm and non-reactive, offering validation, but don't prolong the attention-seeking behavior. When they have these really exaggerated emotions, they may burst into tears and accuse you of not loving them because you didn't invite them to an event. So this might be catastrophic situations, them believing that not being invited or included means that they are unloved or abandoned. These are some triggers for them. So again, you just want to acknowledge their emotions without reinforcing these extreme conclusions that they're not loved or they're being abandoned. You could say something like, I can see that you're really upset. I love you, and that hasn't changed. And reframe the situation, but stay calm. You can say the event was more about whatever the reason was, and it wasn't personal that you weren't invited. Maybe it was more about it was just me and my friends getting together, and none of the parents were invited. That might be an example. And just be reassuring, but keep it to your boundaries. You could say something like, I want to include you in things, but sometimes I also have different plans.

It doesn't mean I don't care about you. So again, with the history of a personality disorder, a lot of attention seeking. They can be over emotional and be, again, really dramatic to minor setbacks. They may say things like, This is the worst day of my life after small inconvenience happens. Parents with HPD tend to overreact to minor issues and make these sweeping emotional intense statements. You're like, What are you talking about? You want to stay calm and grounded and avoid matching their personal intensity. You don't want to get as emotionally intense as they are. You want to respond with calm, a balanced tone. Say something like, I know the situation is frustrating, but we'll figure it out. People that get emotional want you to get at their level with them, and then it can just get out of control. Using reframing the CBT tool, the perspective. You Because they say something like this, this seems like this really upset you, but let's take a step back. We've been through worse, and we'll get through this, too. And you want to avoid validating the extreme statements they're making. You don't want to respond to the drama.

You want to focus on the solution. Just saying something as easy as, Let's see how we can resolve this problem. You also want to manage the desire for this constant reassurance, which can be exhausting because they can be constantly seeking validation. Do you still love me? I don't feel appreciated enough. Even when there's no significant event happening, they may just say these things to you. They want constant affirmation because they're fearful that the relationships will end or people don't care enough about them. So you can offer some calm reassurance, but don't feed the need for constant validation. So you can say something, Of course I love you and I want you to feel appreciated. I don't want you to doubt that. And setting your boundaries on how often you do reassurance. Like, I care about you, but I also need you to trust in our relationship without needing constant reassurance. So please don't just keep asking me over and over again. And you can gently encourage them to do some self-reflection by saying, it might help you to talk to someone about why you feel unappreciated so often, even when we show you that we love you.

So you're giving in soft recommendation therapy. And An important one with parents that have HPD is handling public displays of over-the-top behavior. So you might be at dinner at a restaurant and your parents start acting overly dramatic, laughing loud, drawing attention from everyone in the room. This is because they may enjoy being the center of attention, even in public settings, and can engage in overly expressive behavior to get noticed, and it can be embarrassing to the people with them, uncomfortable. You can try to redirect their focus without embarrassing them, saying, I love that you're having a great time, but let's keep a little quiet so we can disturb other people. You're acknowledging that you love that they're having fun, but giving them some direction. Use some gentle humor or distracting them. You can say, Oh, my God, you're definitely the life of the party, but let's enjoy the dinner and chat with everyone at the table. You want to avoid this harsh criticism. Instead of calling out their behavior in front of others, handle it calmly without shaming them, because then they're going to really overreact because they're really sensitive to criticism. They may say things like, You never appreciate me.

You always criticize everything I do. After a very mild constructive conversation maybe that you just have with them, and they get extreme because they feel criticized, because because they're so sensitive to it, right? So they take personal tax. Even when you're having this neutral conversation or giving them some help for suggestions, they can just turn it around. That's why it's important you give yourself time to respond because It can be very unsettling. Like, how do we get to this point? I was just giving you some ideas on how to handle something. So you want to give feedback with a lot of reassurance. Start with a positive, something positive before you offer the criticism. So you could say something like, you've always been great at planning things, and I really appreciate your help, but I just think we might need to tweak this one part. Something like that could be helpful. You want to use your I statements. I talk to you guys about that all the time. This reduces the feeling of blame You might say, I think it might be easier if we did it this way rather than saying, You didn't do it right.

And help them feel valued. This allows decreasing any criticism. So you might say something like, your opinion matters, and I want us to work together on this. So this makes them feel valued but not criticized because they really are sensitive to that. And then if they're emotionally manipulating or guilt-tripping, they might say something like, If you really cared about me, you would have called me more, attempting to use guilt and draw more attention to them. So they may often use this emotional manipulation or guilt to seek the validation and attention that they desire. So you can acknowledge their feelings without giving into the guilt, right? You might say, I understand that you want to hear from me more, and I'll try to stay in touch, but I also have a lot on my plate right now. That would be a good response. Again, going back to your boundaries and expectations. You could say, I care about you and want to spend time together, but I also need to balance my other responsibilities. That doesn't mean I love you any less. And then you can always refocus the conversation and get into some problem solving, which is always a good tool.

So you could say something like, let's figure out how we can communicate better without feeling like I'm not showing enough care. I don't want you to think like, oh, I'm just feeding into their stuff with these responses I'm giving you. It's about you having control over the situation and keeping your mental health a priority and not feeding into them. They are going to be like this regardless. So how can you handle these personality disorders best? It's not giving in to them, it's having the balance so you don't get caught up in it and you can walk away and feel some balance in your life. And then a couple last things I just wanted I address with the HPD parent is responding to them when they're... Say, during a serious conversation, let me say, your parent might suddenly become overly emotional, exaggerating their responses with these dramatic tears or gestures and shifting the focus away from the issue at hand. Because they're responding... Or this response, I should say, may feel more like a performance than a genuine engagement, and it makes it difficult to address the real core issues which you're wanting to get to.

A strategy might be to gently bring the conversation back on track. You might say, I can see this is really affecting you, but I think we need to focus on finding a solution to the issue. Or this might be a time for you to take a time out as well. Let's get back to this tomorrow or tonight when we're both calmer. Acknowledging that they're upset, acknowledging that's okay. But can we keep going forward with this conversation They may not be able to at this point, and that's why you may just have to disengage. And don't be drawn into the emotional theatrics of this. Again, you can offer validation, but keep your responses level-headed and non-reactive. So I know I'm asking a lot. I have people like this I've dealt with in my life. It is not easy. It takes a second to get caught up in their stuff, and then you're like, damn it, I did it again. I need to think through how am I going to respond to this. I have been guilty of getting caught up in their behaviors, and I always regret it, and I know I just needed pause and breathe before I react.

So my final tips, and we'll finish up today's podcast on Histrionic Personalized Disorder Parents is, again, Stay calm and grounded. Don't match their emotional intensity. Keep your tone neutral and soothing as much as you can. You want to reassure them without overindulging. Offer enough validation to ease their anxiety, but avoid giving into excessive demands for attention. You can always try to redirect conversation by gently guiding the discussion back to the issue at hand when they become overly emotional dramatic. So that's where I need to pause and breathe and say, Okay, what is the issue at hand? Because now I'm getting caught up in their behavior. You want to always set clear but compassionate boundaries. Be firm and be kind when you establish the limits on their attention seeking or manipulative behaviors. And the last is to focus on solutions, not the drama. Shift the focus from the emotional outburst to constructive problem solving. So again, I think unless you're an expert at this, and maybe you are, which is fabulous, is to be really mindful to pause and breathe. Let's pause and breathe. I'm going to take a deep breath right now. I have been talking a long time.

I've shared a lot of information. This might be one to relisten to, take some notes, but I'm really hoping I address the questions a lot of my listeners have reached out about. This is something we may continue to talk about. Just having a good relationship with your parents can be challenging, and when they have personal health disorders, it's a whole other level. But all of my CBT tools I teach you guys, all of my podcasts, you can go I can refer to, can help you go forward and have a healthy relationship and honor yourself. Honor yourself. So as always, I'm grateful you spent this time with me. I hope this was helpful. Please share this with anyone you may think might find the benefit from it.

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