Episode #76 

What Is A Committed Relationship?

Many people want and search for a loving partner to share their life with.

But often, our past trauma, world view or the other person’s imperfections can create problems trying to create the ‘perfect’ relationship.

What does a healthy, committed relationship look like?

How can you maintain the intimacy and love in your relationship?

How can you know your part in creating this kind of relationship?

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, my name is Dr. Julie Osborn. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life and learn the tools that will help you be happy and feel like you can manage things that come your way. So I first want to start off by sharing in a really nice email I received from one of my listeners.

So as always, I like to share the emails I received from you guys, which I always appreciate. Love hearing about how you're doing and the questions you have. And unless I ask you, I want to keep your name confidential. So always be comfortable with that and know that I will always respect that.

So it says:

“Hello Julie.

I hope you're well. I have so many questions for you, but this is the most important right now. How does a person start and keep a small record? I work in the restaurant industry and I work almost all day. I go in at six and off for 3 hours and then go back until 10:00 p.m.

On my break. I usually catch up on rest or cleaning. Doc, if you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear from you. I know I will learn so much about myself by doing a thought record.

I need practice keeping a thought record to actually understand my core beliefs and thought tendencies. I know what I need to do. I just need to execute it. Again, thank you for giving out life altering information for free. You're changing the world.

I hope you know that. Stay blessed. Thank you very much.”

So the recommendations I gave her first, acknowledging it does take a lot of work and determination and discipline to sit down, open up your mind over mood book, do the thought records. It definitely takes work, but in the long run, remember it will become automatic for you and you'll remember it.

So if you also have some of the same questions like how do I do a thaw record? How can I stick with it? I suggested with a thought record to keep the form on your phone or even just dictate into your phone, especially since this particular person works so much to just say, okay, here's I'm having a negative feeling these are my thoughts. And then when you have time to sit down, you'll be able to work through it. And one of my podcasts is called the ABCs of CBT which walks you through an entire Thaw record.

So for any of you guys that are working on the thought record and want a little extra help, that would probably be a helpful podcast to listen to. And if you don't already have the workbook to get mind over mood and start just reading through it, you want to start off with chapter seven is the first part of the thought record and then chapter eight and nine finishes it off. So when you do work on the thought record, take your time. Don't rush through it because you really want to get the first part done. So the second part will work for you.

And again, you can always send me questions if you guys have if you're feeling stuck or you don't know if you're doing it right. But you will see when you start using the forms and writing it down really makes a difference versus just do it in your head until you got it down. Because the comprehending and remembering what all your thoughts is very hard until you start using the workbook in the forms. So there's lots of different ways. Like I said, you can use your phone.

You can make a copy of the forms if you have the workbook and just kind of have it with you. If you're working a lot, whatever works for you is fine. You just want to have it available so you can refer to it and start filling it out.

Once you get the mind over mood book. There's also a link on the book where you can get copies of the forms as well. So you can again download them. And I've known people just put them in a notebook and they might have them in their car somewhere. Or again, those of you that are really techy and really good with your phones, you can just download them there.

I've had some people come up with their own forms that follow the direction, but just kind of felt like this was a little easier for them based on how they did it. So whatever works for you. But we want to understand what's the situation that's creating your negative mood, what are your moods and rate them. We want to figure out what are your hot thoughts? All of your thoughts.

And then which ones are hot? The hot thoughts are the ones that are 100% true. We're going to look for evidence and come up with new thoughts. So again, my podcast, the ABCs of CBT, will walk you through this from beginning to end in detail. And I always recommend like it did to this listener, take little notes or dictate on your phone when things happen throughout the day that you think would be helpful to write about.

Because when you get home, you're going to forget. We all were like, oh, what was that thing I've had? People have had big fights with people. I'm like, what was the fight about? They're like, I don't even remember.

I mean, we're all just busy bit stressed. We don't always remember. That's fine. So find ways for you to dictate and then you can address it. When you have time to actually sit down and don't worry about doing the whole fall record at once.

You can do the first two columns, come back to it, work on the third column, which is your thoughts. Come back to it. You don't have to have an hour to sit down and do everything. Make it work for you. So there will also be an attraction for you to come back to it and keep working with it.

If you find it a stressful experience or you don't think I have the time for it, then you're going to be more deterred from not actually working on it. So find something that works for you. Sometimes. Like I said, even when you sign up for therapy with somebody, there's an hour of your time during the week that you can really focus and learn, right? Or if you put it in your schedule.

I've worked with people with that I'm like. Find a time in your schedule. When are you most likely to do it? Right? In the morning.

Not to be rude, I've told people, you know what? If you're someone that's in the bathroom for a while, take your book with you. You got 15 minutes. You can do some reading and get some stuff done. However it works.

Find what's going to work for you. There's no set rules. We just want to learn the tools so we can feel better and we feel more empowered and have some tools. I know I keep using that word. I'm sorry, but the CBT tools, so that when I'm in the moment, I'm feeling distressed.

I know what to do. And the more I can practice that eventually that distress will probably go away and will not come up as often. So today I wanted to talk about committed relationships. I get a lot of emails regarding relationships, how to handle things, what if there's emotional abuse going on? I've recently had a couple of emails about that and how to handle things and how a mesh people get.

So I thought it would be a good topic to discuss since I've been hearing from you guys more about this and what is a committed relationship and what's a healthy one? So emotionally committed relationships bring excitement and passion into our lives, especially when they're new, right? We're in the honeymoon stage. Over time, however, we come across roadblocks, for example, our personal issues or family experiences that can distance us from our partners. And when we first enter into a committed relationship, we may think that we have found the answer to life's problems, that we have a partner finally to share in the turmoil of our daily lives, that we'll never be alone again, that it will be smooth sailing from here on out.

If we base relationships on these assumptions, however, may be sorely disappointed when our partner fails to live up to these expectations. There's a strong possibility that if we look to another person to provide fulfillment, we will begin to focus on the failings of that person as a cause of our own disappointments in life. So does that make sense? Right. So if you're like, oh, I found the person.

I found the person everything's wonderful. And if we're thinking that they're going to fulfill us fully, then it's going to be most likely we can focus on what they aren't doing because we're so dependent on them and really putting that burden on them their shoulders that we can't vice versa. You can't put the whole burden on someone else for your happiness and they can't put it on you because that's just not realistic. And we have to be focused and responsible for our own happiness. And this pattern is a reason for a great deal of discord and committed relationships.

Many people who come in for relationship therapy actually hope that therapy will change the partner because they're convinced that the partner is the source of the problem, and that's not good intentions. If you're going into marital therapy really ask, what are your intentions? Are you going to grow as a couple? Are you hoping the therapist is going to point their finger at your partner and tell them how wrong they are? And if you do get a therapist that's doing that, go find someone else, because that's not what therapy is all about.

Over time, many relationships enter into a stage where the partners feel distance from each other because of the interactions and the focus on the negative, the initial passion, the sexual freedom, the intimacy and feeling connected with the partner fade. Either person may begin to feel that although they love their partner, they're no longer in love. At the same time, both partners may feel they have lost themselves in the relationship. They've given so much the relationship in terms of their time, their energies, and their emotions that they've also made them feel unique as individuals. They've also abandoned old friendships, hobbies, and activities that brought interest, excitement to their own lives in order to devote time and energy to the relationship.

So when a feeling of distance comes to define the relationship, that's where you start getting resentment towards your partner. And obviously that's not helpful. So how does a relationship which may have once shown such promise end up in a place where the two partners feel distant and might not even like each other anymore, even though they feel that the love is still there? So the answer lies within two people who come together an emotional commitment carry with them a legacy of their own fears, anxieties and unresolved problems, and it's sometimes uncomfortable for us to come to terms with our own baggage. It is, in fact, so troublesome that we're unable to look within ourselves, and it's easier to blame the other person when this happens.

We tend to attribute the problem to our partner the process we call projection, which was podcast on just a few weeks ago. So if you're more interested in that, you can listen to that as well. Rather than accepting the fact that our partners are just being themselves and probably have the best of intentions, we define the source of our anxiety line within the other person. When we feel uncomfortable about something our partners say or do, we may not realize that our discomfort may drive from a source that we have not examined within ourselves like our own control issues, our jealousy, our own insecurity, and our fear of dependence or independence. So our partners may simply be triggering our own unresolved difficulties.

The clue is to search within our own lives to see why we have difficulty with these issues. And this is no small task. If it was, people would be doing better and relationships would not have so many conflicts, right? To become acquainted with oneself is indeed a terrible shock. It might be for you.

So there's a course in a relationship meaning their relationships mature over time. The initial attraction may be physical, and this may carry the relationship for some time to the point of making an emotional commitment. Then the excitement and promise of sharing our life with another person can lead to a stage of heightened expectations where we ignore or minimize the discomfort that we may feel from time to time in the relationship because we don't want to deal with it, right? So we ignore it. This stage comes to an end and we finally express our frustrations.

Why are you always telling me what to do? Can't you give me any time off? Don't you know who I am? Why don't you share with me like we used to? Do you want to notice?

The examples that I gave are all about blaming. The blame is cast on the other person. The one hurling the blame does not look within. For example, I have difficulty because my own issues when someone tells me what to do. That's looking within this particularly vulnerable stage is the course of an emotionally committed relationship.

It can serve as a make or break challenge. It is at this stage that an equilibrium, or more accurately like a standoff is reached by both partners. I won't challenge you and you won't challenge me, and we'll just accept the fact that we'll be distant from each other. That's sad. You don't want to go there.

In contrast, a healthy relationship moves in a different and more mature stage where both partners look within to find the source of their own anxiety, find ways to soothe themselves without trying to change the other person, and you learn to accept and love the other person despite their frustrating quirks. When this occurs when the distance between the partners resolves that genuine excitement and passion of the leadership can continue to flourish, this time in a mature, accepting, and integrated manner. So one thing I learned a long time ago, which I always thought was super helpful, is that all of us may have some anxieties right that's normal within life, but we need to know that our partner can manage their own anxiety and we can be there to support them. So we're there for them, but we're not managing their anxiety. And I know there are people listening to me right now that are managing their partner's anxiety, and that is not a healthy relationship.

And it's not your job and it's not going to fix anything because the person with the anxiety needs to look within. We all need to look within and say, Why am I getting triggered by my partner? And how can I communicate what my issues are? How can I change? And how can my partner understand me more?

Maybe we can just word things differently, work in our communication so that I don't get triggered. I love this person. I want this to work. But I'm noticing that things are bothering me. There's no way it's just my partner's fault because it takes two to Tango.

Right? And when people are blamers, they don't change because it's not their fault. Right. And you don't want to be a blamer. So there's something called differentiation.

There's a doctor named Dr. David Schnauz and the author of Passionate Marriage. He suggests in order to grow within an emotionally community relationship, we must experience the process of differentiation. So this means holding on to yourself within a relationship, staying true to what you want out of life while sharing life with your partner. And differentiation allows us to break free from the negative processes that happen between partners in any relationship.

It allows us to take time from our arguments in order to comfort ourselves at least a self control, which means that we can stop trying to control our partners. That's what I was talking about. When you need to manage your own anxieties, the differentiated partner is able to soothe him or herself rather than pressuring the other person to change in order to make the first one feel better. Right. So you're not dependent on your partner to change, so you'll feel better because now you're giving up all your control.

What can I do to make myself feel better? Paradoxically, when partners differentiate, they actually have the ability to achieve more intimacy while undifferentiated partners can stay locked in their emotional standoff. And when one partner differentiates, it upsets the old equilibrium that's developed so that the other partner is prompted to make changes as well. That's just an example of I've talked to people saying, I want to come for marriage therapy. My partner won't come.

And I'm like, you don't need your partner to come because if you start making changes, that will affect the behaviors between both of you and most like the other partner will start to change. So in short, a healthy relationship is one in which two people, each of whom has a firm sense of self, they come together and they celebrate both their differences and their similarities. And that is very true. I can tell you me, my husband come from culturally different experiences and backgrounds, religious different backgrounds. And my husband was the first one that said to me, we can focus on our similarities versus our differences.

And that has worked for us for almost 30 years. So he had something to share at the beginning that was really helpful and that's what you want to do. It's very easy to focus on your differences or what you don't like. But most likely if you have picked someone and things have been going well, there's a lot more similarities than differences, and that's important to focus on. So the same author?

Snark identifies several activities that happen when people do differentiate. So one is maintaining a clear sense of who you are within the relationship. When your partner was probably originally attracted to because of the strength of your unique qualities, both of you knew what you valued and believed in overtime. Because we accommodate ourselves to both our own and our partners more immature qualities and unresolved issues, we lose our sense of uniqueness. We may compromise ourselves with the goal of smoothing out conflicts and fail to realize that we're losing our sense of self in the process, which is really sad.

And we may find that we have lost those qualities that we were once so attractive to our partner. Differentiation involves looking within, gaining a firm definition of who we are, and celebrating our uniqueness. And I've also with some couples I've worked with, and my experience has been more where the women have changed than the men and the men miss. Maybe that assertive, strong woman they first met, where the woman has decided to unconsciously try to just meet the needs of her partner, maybe give up things she likes to do, so she would be there and be a caregiver. But the male partner is actually like, I like those things about you, and I want that to be a part of who you are for the rest of your life and to get back to that.

So that's why also, communicating is really important, because we make assumptions of what our partners want, and we really don't know if that's the truth. Also, you want to maintain a sense of perspective, so we need to accept the fact that we all have anxieties and other shortcomings. As I said earlier, right? This is a part of the human condition. The mature person, however, understands that these frailties need not determine our behavior.

Our limits should neither incapacitate nor drive us. When we honestly accept this fact, both in ourselves and our partners, we can take a more balanced approach in dealing with each other's limitations. The peaks and valleys of crisis can be smoothed out, and the blaming can come to an end, replaced by acceptance and love for the other person. So that's what it means by having a sense of perspective. Something else that happens when you differentiate is committing to a willingness to engage in self confrontation.

So what that means is looking within is difficult, right? But it's necessary to step both in our own life development and helping our relationships to grow to new levels. We always want to be growing. So self confrontation means coming to terms with their own fears, anxieties and insecurities a process that may be aided by some professional psychotherapy. You might want to get some help with this because it's another mature level when you are willing to do the self confrontation and really look within.

That can be complicated, and it can also mean accepting the criticisms of our partners as a source of valuable feedback about where insecurities lie. I try to use the word opportunity when conflict arises in my life. So instead of like, oh my God, oh my God, there's a conflict, I say, okay, here's an opportunity for me to grow, learn how to communicate better, meet my needs, be there for my partner. So when you use the word opportunity, it takes a lot of the stress I feel for myself, at least out instead of like, oh my God, there's a problem and I don't want to deal with it. Self examination can focus on understanding how and why we manipulate others, undermine our own effectiveness, take a selfish approach at times, or Alternatively, give to others and never to ourselves and work against their own best interests.

So we need to understand why we avoid ourselves, and then we need to make an honest commitment to enter into a path of honesty and integrity. Also, when you differentiate, you want to acknowledge your own projections and distortions of reality that protect us from ourselves. So what I mean by that is we need to understand why we blame others, especially our emotionally committed partners, rather than acknowledging our own participation in the conflicts. This involves admitting when we're wrong, we should not expect that our partners will do likewise. Taking an honest approach toward our own lives is tough but rewarding, and the journey is really into your own personal integrity.

When we embark on this journey, our partners, we are no longer feeling blamed and know that the old emotional stand ups have been eliminated will often decide to begin their own excursions into their own self growth because now they have the space to do that. And also, when you differentiate, you also learn to tolerate the pain involved with self exploration. So dealing with emotional pain is a talent that can be learned in childhood. Many of us learned unhealthy ways of handling discomfort, often because we lack supportive role modeling from our parents or other adults that we would have taught us how to deal with pain in a healthy way. And we may have learned to blame our parents when we face life's difficulties, and then we carry this blaming behavior into a committed relationships in adulthood.

So avoiding pain is the reason many adults indulge in substance abuse or other addictive behaviors such as gambling, crazy spending, or watching too much TV, for example. The healthier option is to make the adult commitment to explore the pain and its sources and to find ways to make self growth a friend rather than something to avoid. When we learn to cope with our own pain, we no longer need to manipulate our partners into making us feel better. I'm going to say that again, when we learn to cope with our own pain, we no longer need to manipulate our partners into making us feel better. And when this happens, the magic can reenter our relationships.

When I was saying that the healthier option is to make the adult commitment to explore the pain and its sources, I just want to acknowledge the fact that you're taking your time to listen to my podcast and you're finding it of interest and maybe you're referring it to people and you're getting an AHA moment is saying that you're mature and you are looking for the healthier option. Even if sometimes you feel like you screw up or you make a mistake or you get into that blaming, or as long as you catch yourself and say, you know what, that's not what I want to do anymore. That's not working. I want to really look at myself. Why am I being triggered?

Why do I feel pain right now and really look within and to see if it's part of an old pattern that you've had most of your life or something that has not been resolved. So I want to finish the podcast was talking to you about learning to self soothe in the face of conflict, and again, that's being able to take responsibility for your own feelings and taking care of yourself. So I want to share as an example that when we blame our partners, when we feel discomfort, and this tends to create distance because of the blaming within an emotionally committed relationship. So the distance then creates a feeling of further discomfort. Right?

And the clue to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain. I think that can be empowering, that I know I can take care of myself regardless of what's going on in my environment, and this can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship as well. So Dr. Snark also offers several suggestions for helping people learn the art of self soothing. So I'm just sharing in his book, which I'll give you the name again at the end of the podcast, some suggestions that he talks about to self soothe.

So one is, don't take your partner's behavior personally. Even if your partner doesn't make all the changes that you've made, it should not be taken personally. If you're and your partner having a conflict, try some inwardly focused relaxation techniques. Focus on your breathing, stop talking and try to slow your heart rate, lower the volume of your speech, and work on relaxing your body. You also want to put the current conflict into perspective.

Think about past instances of the same type of conflict. What resources did you use in the past for dealing with the conflict? Think about how discomfort will surface again in the future, and if you learn now how to deal with it, you'll be better off in the future circumstances. You also want to control your behavior, even if you can't regulate your emotions. So what I mean by that is that while we may have difficulty in controlling our emotions, especially in the face of a conflict, we can have control over our behavior.

Prevent yourself from saying and doing things that you will regret later. You can say to yourself, I don't have to take action on my feelings, right? So my mantra is to make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel. That's what we're talking about. You all want to also stop the negative thinking.

Our thoughts derive our feelings and behaviors, right? That's the CBT is all about. When you find yourself engaged in negative thinking, make the change to more positive thinking. Now I know I say that that only lasts for a moment, but in the moment, instead of reacting, you want to accept what is happening and then calm down. A positive thought might just be that I know how to handle this and I have tools that I can use instead of me just focusing, focusing on the negative.

You also may have to break contact temporarily with your partner until things cool down. When you're engaged in a conflict, you may need some time to get in touch with your own self. Again, look at this as a time out, not a separation. You might need to tell your partner that you need some time alone to calm down and that you can discuss the issue better later after both of you had some space from each other. So there's times I've taken a walk by myself if I've been upset or if I haven't been too upset, I can take a drive and I'm safe.

But sometimes I just need space to think things through. I'll do a full record, then figure out what am I thinking. I look for the evidence so that when I go back to talk to my husband, I have more clear thoughts and can take responsibility and share what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling so we can have a really good discussion and grow. And the one last thing is self soothing does not involve substance abuse, the abuse of food, or emotional regression. You need time to confront yourself and understand what your part is in the conflict.

This does not mean hiding out, sleeping binary, eating or using drugs or alcohol, or just being on your phone and avoiding everyone, which is always to avoid self confrontation. So if you notice like you're reaching for some food or again, some kind of substance, alcohol, some kind of drugs, or you regress emotionally, that needs to be your red flags. Think about what do I do when I'm avoiding? Maybe writing those on a piece of paper and looking at that when you're upset and saying, Am I doing these things? And if I am, I need to get back to the more healthy practices for myself.

So like deep breathing, taking a walk, having some space to do a full record and figure out what am I thinking about? These are all things I can do for myself so I can grow. We're all here to grow, right? Progress, not perfection, but we're all here to grow. We want to be a little better than we are.

We want to be more loving, so we can be more lovable. These are all goals that I think we all have in common in our lives. And sometimes it's just hard to get there. And it's easier to blame people, situations, past occurrences instead of looking at ourselves, because that's pretty painful. But that's really where your growth is going to come from.

So I hope if you can trust yourself, even if it's a little bit, it doesn't have to be 100%. Just say, you know what? I can handle this. Maybe I need to go get some professional help to walk through this. Maybe I have a best friend I can share.

Maybe I can go get the Mind Over Mood book. I can start understanding what my thoughts are and how they create my moods and how I can challenge those. So there's lots and lots of options here. You're not alone. If you need some direction, please reach out to me.

As I said before, I respond to my emails and give some direction when people are looking for therapists in their area or what's the best way to handle the situation? So I just want to repeat the name of the book I was talking about earlier by Doctor David Schnarch. It's S-C-H-N-A-R-C-H. It's called Passion and Marriage. Keeping Beloved Intimacy Alive and Committed Relationships.

And then I, of course always talk about Mind over Mood and also Feeling Good or Feeling Great by Dr. David Burns. Those are the books that I use regarding my CBT tools that I teach my clients. So I hope this was helpful. It's always good to take the time.

Just listening to this podcast is time to yourself, time. You're committing to you to be a little better than you were yesterday and I commend you for that. I know it takes a lot of courage to be honest with ourselves and to make that commitment, to be happier, setting boundaries and being the person who you really want to be. So if you have a burning question that you'd like answered, you can always email me at mycbtpodcast@gmail.com you can follow me on Instagram under mycbt podcast. You can find me on Facebook under Dr.

Julia Osbourne. And of course, my website is Mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com. If you're looking to purchase the Mind Over Mood Book, once you scroll down on the podcast, you will see a link for the Mind Over Mood Book, which is an easy way to make sure you're getting the right one. There's two additions and if you enjoy this episode. Please hit the subscribe button to make sure you'll never miss another one.

So thank you for joining me. Stay safe. I'll see you next week.

Remember to make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.

Take care.