Episode #44 

Gaslighting

Have you ever wondered what ‘gaslighting’ is?

How can you know if someone is gaslighting you?

If they are, what can you do about it?

In this episode, Dr Julie Osborn talks about how to identify gaslighting in a relationship.

She also discusses having confidence in yourself, the difference between responsibility and blame, and how you can use the power of cognitive behavioral therapy to take back your power from someone who is gaslighting you.

Click the link below to listen now!

Reference Guide:

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, my name is Dr. Julie Osborn, and I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

In this podcast, I answer your questions and share with you practical ways to apply CBT principles so you can achieve a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in your life and relationships.

In this episode, we'll take a closer look at gaslighting.

I've had a few requests from listeners, which I appreciate you guys giving me suggestions and asking me questions to address what gaslighting is the background, how to deal with it, and some tools to be able to move on from this abusive type of relationship.

So the term ‘gaslighting’ first became popular, actually, from a movie in 1944. You can still watch it today. And it's an American psychological thriller where the husband, gaslights his wife, which means that he was trying to make her think she was going insane to distract her from his criminal shenanigans. So that's where the movie comes from. And there's lots of little things he does in the movie to feed into this, thinking she's going insane. So then the focus is on her.

So it's a great movie to watch if you're interested. So that's kind of where the term got started. But the actual definition is that it describes a form of psychological abuse in which the victim is gradually manipulated into doubting their own sanity, and it forces them to question their own thoughts, memories and events occurring around them. And that's what the definition is. So if you want to know, you know, let's talk about what kind of personality a guest later would be.

And it tends to be more men than women, but it's a highly manipulative individual for sure. They're controlling and they want others to only care about their needs. Their need to dominate may stem from personality disorders such as narcissism and antisocial as well. The other issues they have going on in their life, it's really hard to figure out if that's really what's going on because of the way they're so good at manipulating and making you question yourself. And when you are in a relationship and you love somebody and you care for somebody, we tend to minimize or ignore things that are going on because we don't really want to see the truth.

Right. Or we we don't even imagine that the person we think that loves us would want to manipulate us or make us think that we're like insane. Right. So we don't even go there. But if you're questioning, you know, something isn't right. These are some of the signs if you're in a relationship or gaslighting is happening. So you no longer feel like the person you used to be. So you need to take time to really sit with yourself and say, you know, who am I in this relationship?

I don't feel like the old me. What's really going on? You might feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be, especially if confidence was not an issue before. That would be, you know, a red flag. Right. Like what happened? Like, I was very confident before I got into this relationship. You question yourself if you're being too sensitive. Right. So that's, you know, an excuse that the guests later on will say to you, or that's a way of you minimizing, wanting things to be OK.

You know that I'm too sensitive. You know, what is that defining? What is too sensitive even mean? We say that a lot. You're too sensitive. I'm not even sure what that means because it's so different for everybody. So, you know, if you're saying, oh, yeah, I'm being too sensitive to really sit down, know right out what's going on, doing some journaling to say, you know, am I being too sensitive.

That's just what my partner is telling me and I'm starting to believe it. And then it's a distraction from what they're doing. You also feel like everything you do is wrong. So some people do struggle with this belief about themselves, but a lot of people are like, no, you know, there's no way I do everything wrong. What's going on here? And another sign is that you're always blaming yourself when things do go wrong. You know, that is always your fault, which is now possible, that it's always your fault.

So that's another red flag. And if you apologize often, you're always saying, I'm sorry, I should've saw saw like that. I'm sorry I questioned you. You know, I'm always apologizing. I'm always apologizing. The other person isn't. So these are some signs that, you know, if you say I don't even know where to start to figure this out, that that would be a place to just, you know, again, sit with yourself and ask yourself, am I not the person I was?

Do I am I less anxious or more anxious? I'm sorry, less confident. Questioning yourself about being too sensitive feel like everything you do is wrong. It's always your fault. Apologizing all the time. You know what? If you're like, who am I like? This isn't who I am. You know that. I think there's been times I can say for myself or I've been in a relationship where I'm just like, you know, I'm not really honoring me and I'm not who I want to be and I'm not even who I used to be.

So I need to look at this relationship and really think about that. This probably isn't really healthy and it's gaslighting going on. And it's something really important to pay attention to because there are long term effects which could include anxiety, feeling depressed, creating trauma in your life and having really low self-esteem. So it really does affect you. And it's most important to do that. As I said earlier, you know, men tend to be the person that gaslights more so than women.

And also doing this, it's a way for them to avoid being intimate or vulnerable in a relationship which are traits that they may see as weak, inferior or know low worth for somebody to be that way. So when you're wanting to engage and be closer and they say no, a lot, no, we're not going to do that. No, I don't want to do that. No, I don't want to talk about that. This is a good way for them to avoid being in that place and also giving into the relationship at all and having the control.

So we want to say, OK, I know what the signs are, what are the actual tactics, I guess leaders might use to get you, you know, stuck in this relationship and making you question yourself. So they use intense emotional connection, control the other person's behavior. So if they really get you connected emotionally, you're going to more likely go along with the things they say and more likely to start questioning yourself. And then they can control your behavior.

Right. They also play on your insecurities. So once they get to know you a little bit, you know, whatever that insecurity is, they're going to focus more on that to make you feel less secure. And that makes you question yourself more. A lot of line, a lot of denial. You know, when you ask them about something that seems kind of weird or if they were talking to maybe another female and you're questioning that, you know, they lie about it or they just deny things, they just deny things.

So they also change the subject or they generalize. Oh, no, that was nothing. You know, you're just you're overreacting. Nothing was really going on or, you know, oh, I don't know what you're talking about in your or what do you want to do for dinner tonight? You know, they just really change the subject and they don't, you know, stay there. And they also usually use fear to control the other person. So what is fear that might be?

You know, I'm going to leave. I'm going to break up. I can't handle your insecurities. If you don't change, I'm going to have to leave. You know, then you're like, no, no, no, please don't do that. And then, of course, and you're like, yeah, I shouldn't have thought that way. And again, that's where all of the signs come right now. You starting to question yourself, then you apologize for asking something that was reasonable.

Then you blame yourself. Oh, my God, I made him upset. He's going to leave. It's all my fault. Right. Going back to the signs, you can see where all this kind of snowballs. So some things that, you know, they'll also say when you question them, you know, they also might say, you know, oh, that never happened. You're overreacting, right? They might just say, oh, I was just joking about that.

And then going back to not you feeling too sensitive and you question yourself, but they tell you that you're too sensitive. So I already think they're telling me that it must be true, you know, and just say, no, I was just joking, you know, is just an easy way for them to throw in that dig or that control that they're wanting and then making you feel silly or stupid because they were just joking and you took it serious.

Or again, if someone for someone even say to you that never happened, that's where you start to question your own reality. And that's kind of going back to what they they show in that movie, is that, you know, this wife just thinks, oh, my God, I'm insane. Things aren't happening in my reality is not true. And then you question everything and then you give all the power and control over to the person that's gaslighting you.

So it doesn't happen overnight, but it's slow and meticulous and manipulative. And, you know, all of a sudden you're in the situation. You don't even know how it happened. So these are some things to sit down and really think about. So let me share with you a couple more examples to be a little more concrete. So one might be that, you know, you tell your husband that he's not helping with the child care and that you need his help.

And he responds by refusing to even acknowledge that that's even happening, you know? No, no, no, that's not true. That's not true. I do this. I do that. And you're like, well, no, you're not helping. Oh, but I do that. Or, you know, maybe it'll be like, you know, I work and I bring in the money that's helping with child care. So they refuse to even acknowledge that something is happening with reality.

Another example would be maybe you find some inappropriate texts on your partner's phone to someone else, which I hear this happened a lot. A lot of my clients share this and they tell you that, you know, oh, you're just insecure and jealous and it's really unbecoming. So now it's your problem that there's these inappropriate texts and you're insecure and you're looking at things instead of them taking responsibility, instead of them acknowledging that it is inappropriate. And why is that an issue?

So, again, it makes you take two steps back and are like, oh, yeah, well, you know, maybe it is just different. Or maybe this person sent this to him and he didn't even want it. But they're being inappropriate, right? I mean, that's the kind of rationalizations we can make. And then they get away with whatever they're doing and we feel less about ourselves and then we're more willing to give more trust to them and then they can manipulate that.

So one of which we'll talk about a minute on how to deal with this. But you really want to be true to yourself and say, you know, I wouldn't be OK if I if I'm not OK with this, I don't think they'd be OK if they said, you know, reverse. Right. You know, what is the what's the person really with child care? What's he really doing to help with child care? Like writing this down?

You know, sometimes seeing things visually can be really helpful. Keeping a journal to affirm your own feelings and opinions can be really helpful, because when you start to question yourself and I talk about we have lots and lots of thoughts every day that we can just go down this road of rationalization and then just again minimize it and think I'm just making a big deal. So that's one thing you can do for yourself is to keep a journal and affirm your own feelings and opinions about what's really going on.

What's also really important for yourself is learning to believe yourself, because once you're in a relationship with gaslighting, you don't believe yourself anymore and you believe the gas lighter. And that's really dangerous. And it's going to make you question more and more and more where you get to a place of not trusting yourself, questioning yourself and giving up a lot of power and control. Another thing I would say, if, you know, if you have someone obviously very close to you, a good friend or family member, whatever, you know, sharing with them the facts of what happened and sharing what the person said back to you and having an outside person that knows you well, knows what kind of person you are, knows that maybe you used to be really confident in yourself and self-assured and for them to be able to point some things out to you, that is hard for you to see because you're emotionally involved in this relationship, in your friend or family member is not.

And being open to what they're saying, you know, not to be defensive about it. And then I would also say, you know, really get some professional help, find a therapist that can help you walk through this, help you kind of get some reality on what's going on. Teaching you the cognitive therapy tools could be so helpful to figure out what am I thinking in these situations? What am I thinking when the person, the guest later minimizes my feelings or my my sanity, my experience, what are my thoughts that are most likely her thoughts or not thoughts that are on your percent true.

That are allowing me to stay in this situation and question myself. And then once we figure out our thoughts, what do we do next is we look for evidence. Right? Where is the evidence that I am too sensitive, that I am too insecure? Where is the evidence of, you know, oh, that didn't actually happen. That would be a great, great record to practice and then use the mind over. Mood Workbook is the book I use with my clients to work through and learn the full records and being able to identify, you know, what are my moods, what are my thoughts, which ones are how thoughts, the thoughts that aren't 100 percent true, and then being able to find the evidence that supports it and does not support the thought that would be so important.

And that's part of the journaling that I'm sharing with you. That's really important to affirm how you're feeling, your opinions, what your thoughts are to get some clarity right. And being able to communicate back with the guest later. If you choose to do that, you may just choose to leave also. But, you know, that's going to be a big step if I'm going to go address this first. Here's the evidence and what you're saying isn't true.

So doing a thought would be super helpful to address the situation that's going on and get some confidence in yourself to be able to go back with some facts to address what's going on. So that would be another tool that be really good. But getting some professional help again can also help us explore not just what's going on, but, you know, maybe some core beliefs and some things that are being triggered why you're in this relationship in the first place.

We have to see, you know, why are we with the person we are? Where is the attraction? Why am I willing to question myself for this person? I mean, you know, if we really have that good self worth, good self esteem, we've worked through our issues. You know, we tend to see things a little easier and other people and it's like, oh, no, I don't want that. But when we still have some unresolved issues, we may be more, not more, and will say more likely, but more vulnerable to get into relationships that we start to question ourselves and listen to the other person.

So there's layers and layers, obviously, with what I'm talking about. And that's where a therapist can help to really look at the big picture. You know, it's never black and white and just talking about the actual behavior of gaslighting. And when we're getting manipulated over and over again and being abused, we start to blame ourselves more than the other person. I also want to point out that although the effects of gaslighting could also be defined as feeling depressed or anxious, what the difference is, is that there's another person that's actively trying to make you guess which you know is true.

And if this happens with one particular person, but not with others. Right. So it's like, you know, all my other relationships are good, works good. I have good friends. Everything's fine. Why is it this one person that makes me question myself makes me feel bad that I second guess. Right, that I rationalize their behaviors and their choices like that is a real red flag there. So some people could, you know, minimize it?

Well, yeah, I'm kind of depressed or I'm anxious or I've had that in my past. But when there's another person that's feeding into your depression and your anxiety and your insecurities and this doesn't happen with others, bingo, that's when you really want to look and say, you know, this is really sad, but this could be a relationship, I mean, with gaslighting. So the first step is always acknowledging. Right. And just saying I don't feel good in this relationship.

I don't feel good about me. You know, relationships should be giving us energy, not sucking it from us. We should give more energy than not from a relationship being in a relationship. Actually should be making us feel better about ourselves and even loving ourselves more and wanting to be the best we can be and really feeling trust and security with the person that we're in the relationship with. You know, if there's all this turmoil and we're now feeling good about ourselves and we're not the person we want to be, don't just blame yourself.

I know I've said in other podcasts it's good to look at your part, which is true. But I've also shared that we need to look at our environment and our life situations and realize it isn't always us. Sometimes it is the situation in the environment that we're in that we need to change. So it's still good to look at your part. But you also really have to say, you know, this just isn't really who I am in this relationship, isn't bringing the love and the energy that I need to be the best person.

And I'm feeling bad about myself all the time and it's just not OK. And I need to make some changes. And if I don't have the strength to address it with this person, because when people are manipulators, they're good at it. Right. If you got to this place with someone where they're gaslighting you, they're good. And it's hard to have a conversation with someone who's a good manipulator. So that's why going to a professional and coming up with a plan and even coming up with how am I going toward this?

How am I going to say this? You know, what would be my strategies in the Minova book? There's a tool that I use also called an action plan, which would be really helpful if you're going to confront someone in a relationship where there's gaslighting going on. So basically you would write down, you know, what's your goal? And it might be just to have a conversation with them about this. You write, write down, you know, what am I going to start and you write down what are the possible problems?

So it could just be they're good at manipulating. They're going to minimize. They're not going to acknowledge it. And then you would write down what are my strategies to deal with this? So instead of just going into the conversation and hoping that things will go well, maybe thinking, well, they really love me, they're going to listen to me, which is probably not what's going to happen, because that's not how the relationship is set up, that these are my strategies if the person tries to continue to gaslight me.

Right. So instead of just going in and hoping things will go well, I actually have a plan which will decrease my anxiety in addressing the situation. So the action plan is a fabulous tool I use all the time. Also a mind over mood, and that's something you could do. And also your therapist could really help you come up with strategies and how to have this conversation for the first time with somebody who's been gaslighting you. So there's lots of great cognitive behavioral tools and how to address this.

And it's an opportunity for you to start exploring yourself, how you got to this position in this relationship. You know, what was it about the person? What was it about you that even listen the first time? Right. And some of it is just that, you know what? I love this person. Like, OK, I can look at my stuff, but over and over and over again. What is it about it that I got hooked in that it wasn't able to see myself?

Is not about feeling bad about you is just understanding. It's an opportunity to see what areas do I still need to work on myself because I always need to grow. And it's not to feel guilty or shameful that you're in this place. It's just to say, OK, this is something to work on. I love myself enough that I'm going to go through that I'm going to go through this pain. I'm going to see if if I won't even work this out with this person, if they're willing to.

And if they're not, how do I make an exit? Because it's not good to be in a manipulative, abusive relationship ever. So again, don't sit there and beat yourself up if this is the situation you find yourself in. I'm just saying to acknowledge it, go get some professional help with someone. They can really help you walk through this and get to a place of strength so you can start feeling secure again and confident in yourself and honoring yourself and giving yourself the self-respect that you deserve in any relationship and in your life.

So I hope this was helpful and I hope I was able to answer the questions of you guys that have written to me about gaslighting.

If there's something I didn't get to that you like me to address and you have a burning therapy question you want me to answer, you can email me at MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com. And you can always rest easy knowing I'll always keep your name confidential and I will never share it on the air. If you enjoyed this episode, please hit the Subscribe button to make sure you never miss an episode.

Thanks again for joining me. Stay safe and I'll see you next week.

And remember, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel. Take care.