Episode #49 

Self-Sabotage

Do other people get annoyed with you because you act or react a certain way?

Do you feel like you're always messing up or losing relationships because of certain behaviors?

Do you feel hopeless and stuck in an endless pattern of negative thoughts and automatic reactions?

In this episode, Dr Julie helps you identify self-sabotaging behavior and the feelings that are causing it for you.

She also shows you how to harness the power of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with simple, practical tools to help you change your wrong thoughts and get relief.

Click to listen now!

Reference Guides:

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, my name is Dr. Julie Osborn. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker and I specialize in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT in your own life.

In this podcast, I'm going to answer your questions and share with you practical ways to apply CBT principles so you can achieve a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in your life and relationships.

First, I want to read an email I received because I always like doing that and letting you guys know I read them and they mean a lot to me.

The first one says:

“Dear Dr. Julie,

I just want to thank you so much for your podcast - I found it today. I've been suffering for many years with horrible OCD. I had some CBT years ago, but it's been such a struggle recently. I just really want to thank you for putting your podcast out there and the effort you went to. My OCD feels paralyzing a lot of the time and so weird. No one knows much about it here, but thank you.”

Thank you to the person that wrote this to me. I keep people’s names confidential, but I wanted to share that. And again, I'm really grateful and humbled by how many people I've been able to reach over the last year and a few months, and that it really has been making a difference for people. And that was my intention from the beginning. So I'm really grateful and I really appreciate the time of just sitting down and writing me an email, asking me questions, letting me know how the podcast is helped.

So, again, thank you very much. That really is giving back to me and I appreciate that.

So today I thought a really good topic to address and to be able to learn how CBT can help is self-sabotaging. Who doesn't do that? Right? I'm raising my hand, even though you can't see me!

We've all self sabotaged in our lives. Sometimes it's more severe than others, but it does get in the way of our lives, our relationships, us being able to reach our goals.

And what self-sabotage refers to is destructive, unhealthy behaviors or habits that undermine your goals, your efforts and even your values. And it's behavior that's often rooted in anxiety, anger or feelings of worthlessness. So we're obviously going to talk more today about if you are feeling anxious, angry or feeling worthless, what are the thoughts that are connected to those feelings? Right. And when we start changing the thoughts, we can start changing the behavior, which is the self sabotaging.

So this is going to be really helpful. And for you, you know, definitely if you are in a place, you can take some notes or come back to the podcast, it's going to be a lot of information. And I want you to start taking some notes and thinking about what is it you do that is self sabotaging. So something that's really common. And I did this back in the day when I was overweight and wanting to lose weight and be on many, many, many diets is I undermined my diet by cheating.

Right. I would, you know, be really good. And then I wouldn't and I would cheat and I'd say I'll get back to it the next day, but then there'll be another time that I would cheat and I was sabotaging. And now I can look back because I realized I really wasn't ready to lose the weight because it was serving a purpose for me. And we'll talk about that in just a little later, that, you know, what is it that you're getting out of the self sabotaging?

For me, when I was overweight, I was eating out of stress. I wasn't happy where my life was going. I didn't know how to cope. And the food just kind of filled that up and knock me out. And it worked pretty well for a while. Luckily, I was able to get some help and get healthy and change that. But I can look back now with more self compassion and understand what my self sabotaging behavior was, what its purpose was, and why it was so hard for me to get out of that.

Another one that a lot of people do regarding the self sabotage is being late for important meetings or important events. You know, you may know someone in your life that's always late. I hate to use the word always or most of the time at least, but enough that they have a reputation, right. That you just know so-and-so is going to be late. So you don't expect them to show up on time. Or you might say, you know, I'm going to drive and I'll meet you at the mall.

And when you get there, you can meet me over at the store. I'm going to start shopping. So you don't set yourself up for their self sabotaging behavior because you know that they're going to be late or you might be the one that's late. And it's really important to understand how that really affects other people. I think the behavior of being late is something that the lay person tends to minimize or doesn't think it really affects others because they the party still going out to who cares if I'm late, but it really does affect others.

And it really gives off a negative message to others about not respecting their time. But it also isn't good for you to always be kind of running late, having to make excuses. It ends up making you feel bad about yourself. So that's just a couple examples I'm giving. There's lots of different. I'm going to go through a list in a second of how self sabotaging can also be chronic. You know, and again, lead to significant problems in your life, your work and your relationships, and it can manifest in many different ways.

So some more examples is someone who is always, quote, forgetting deadlines or they fail to prepare for things. As I mentioned, someone who's chronically late for work and important meetings, people they use drugs and alcohol that can be self sabotage. And, of course, someone who procrastinates and puts things off, even though it might be urgent, as I mentioned, overeating to deal with stress or anxiety. A lot of people start projects, but they never finish them.

A lot of times people don't get around to really reaching the goals they set for themselves or their dreams or the plans they wanted to reach in their lives. They just never get around to it, but they talk about it. And some people intentionally ruin relationships or romantic relationships, a lot of times out of the fear of intimacy. And they just abandon those. And that's very self sabotaging. So self sabotage is a behavior created usually by negative self talk.

Low self-esteem makes you feel unworthy, inadequate. And the problem is, is that it tends to be repeated pattern of self sabotaging. And that's where you're really frustrated with ourselves because like, why do I keep doing the same thing over and over again when I see that it's causing problems and it continues again to feed the sense of worthlessness and also fuel your negative thoughts. Right. So your negative thoughts feed on your negative thoughts, become bigger and bigger, and then you become more intense and then the behaviors become more chronic.

And then, of course, your physical reactions are affected. And we want to look at the environment. Right. There's a whole CBT model right there. And again, self sabotaging isn't just something that happens to you personally, but you can also damage relationships, your own reputation. You know, people will see if you're someone that's always lead or you don't finish projects, that you're someone that, you know, you're follow through is really poor. And they don't think that you're reliable.

You're not committed. You know, some people might assume you don't really have drive when you really do or that you're lazy, even though that's exactly the opposite of what you want to do. You know, having repeated failures and disappointments within yourself and others can create a lot of guilt and then feel frustrated over time. It also features shame. So it's just a vicious cycle. And I keep as I'm talking it out loud and it's like I'm saying it it's the shame creates low self-esteem, self worthlessness, like it just feeds it and fears.

And you can see why you can get really stuck in the self sabotaging behaviors. So it's really important for us to start taking steps to make those changes. And that's where CBT is going to come in and be able to change all of this for you when you do the work. So the first thing you can do to kind of say what is specific for me, because I know I've said a lot already and just these few minutes, but I would suggest you write down a goal that you've had for a long time that you've never accomplished.

There might be a good start and start asking yourself, are there particular areas where you're delay, say, making a decision? For example, do you lack the motivation even for important tests? You know, is there something you do or fail to do that over and over frustrates people around you, family members, maybe your boss? Is there a task that causes you stress or upset because you know, you could do it or you could do it even better?

So these are some things that just start thinking about, you know, my self sabotaging. Not every human is as this is a problem. But if it's something that you want to look at for yourself, these are some questions to ask. And then you want to describe a specific situation where you can see that how you felt, let yourself sabotage. So remember that my mantra in life is to make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.

But I'm asking you right now to think about what are your feelings that maybe let your self sabotage? We're going to figure out your thoughts, but a lot of us, you know, are usually more in tune to the emotions. So maybe I didn't follow through or I didn't show up maybe to a meeting because I was fearful. I wasn't prepared. I didn't really do all the homework I was supposed to do. My boss was going to see that I'm not doing as good a job as I need to.

So that emotion could be fear. So what is the feeling that kept me from following through and then write down specifically what that is? So this also, in other words, is what I talk to you about. If you're using the mind over my book, it's what we call the full record. If you're using the feeling great book that I've talked about, too, it's called A Daily Mood Log. But I'm going to talk more about the record because that's what I use the most.

And in the far record, we want to take a specific situation, not something super broad. Like I never do that. It's like, OK, I had a meeting at work at ten o'clock on Monday. I did not show up for that would be a specific situation. So then we can start honing in more and how you felt and then we're going to figure out what are those thoughts that made you feel that way and the. Calls the behavior not to show up, so that would be a place for you to start writing things down again.

If you're using the mind over mood book, start working on the thought records, which is Chapter seven, eight and nine. All right. So the next thing, once you start writing down this information and start seeing a pattern and going, I can understand a little more what's going on here. Again, we want to go back to understanding the need that your self sabotage fills and to eliminate the behavior. You might think that, you know, being tough on yourself is the answer, but that never works.

You know, people are like, oh, you know, I should have done this or that. Being tough just makes you get more frustrated. And I think, you know, maybe even hopeless sometimes, like, you know, I never do it. So being tough on yourself just makes you feel worse. So that's not going to really work. And it can also be a form of self sabotage. Right, because you really miss the important first step, which is understanding what the need is that your self sabotage behavior fulfills because we don't do anything for nothing.

Any behavior, even when it's negative, is doing something for us because otherwise we wouldn't bother. So instead of getting tough on yourself, let's give ourselves some compassion and understand that your self sabotage serves a purpose. So don't be judgmental and let's understand the function. So just using myself as example, going back to me, self sabotaging my diet is when I would cheat. It allowed me not to feel the feelings I was having that I was having a hard time coping with or I didn't know what to do about, and it was a quick fix.

It felt good and it worked. And that's the self compassion I have to have for myself today, that that's just where I was emotionally. And maybe that's where you are right now, today. And it's OK. The fact that you're even listening to me and you're interested in it says that you want to make changes and that takes a lot of courage. So let's focus on the positive, even though we're seeing what is the function of this behavior that I'm doing.

Right. Because, again, it works and that's the problem. When things work, we tend to keep doing it over and over again. If you're having issues with alcohol and drugs, you know, drinking, using drugs, whatever it might be, that works, too. Right. But it's a Band-Aid. And then we end up feeling bad about ourselves afterwards. And then it just feels that worthlessness, as I was talking about before. So when you can understand the need that that feels for you, you'll also be able to identify and have alternative behaviors that also feel that need.

So when you meet the need in other ways, you can begin to reduce the self sabotaging behaviors. So when I could you know, when I went really, you know, went to therapy and made some changes in my life, that's when I decided to go back to college. And I started making good choices for me that I was able to start dealing with the feelings I was having and finding healthier ways to cope. So I wasn't eating like I was and I was able to lose the weight.

So there's other ways for us to still deal with our feelings and feel better, but not doing it in negative ways. So now I'm giving you guys a lot of information on this podcast, but just kind of stick with me, we're going to get to that place where it all comes together but is taking small steps. So one thing you can do is come up with a few alternative behaviors, not just one. You know, like I'm just going to set my alarm maybe 10, 15 minutes early if I'm always late somewhere.

So that's an alternative behavior. So I have a little more of a cushion, but come up with a few. You don't want to rely just on one alternative behavior, because if that doesn't work, then you're going to just relapse. Right, and go back in self sabotage. It's like, well, that one didn't work, so, you know, screw it. I was going to go back to my behavior and I'll deal with this another time.

But if you can have two or three, it's like, oh, this one didn't work. Oh, yeah, I have this other idea I can do as well. And you also want to plan for obstacle. So I've talked in other podcasts about a tool that's also in mind over mood called an action plan, which I love action plans, especially if you're dealing with anxiety. But an action plan is when you come up with a plan and how you're going to handle things.

So you just don't go into something hoping that it's going to go well, because I always say hope is not a plan. Right. We need to have a plan. So you want to understand and identify, you know, what are some obstacles that might come up for me and some healthier alternative behaviors so that I can actually reach my goals. Right. So if I think about, OK, this is what I want to change, when am I going to start and identify what are some possible problems?

So I might, you know, tell myself it's not really that important to change. Nobody's going to notice. It's not going to really make a difference. Those could be some possible problems. So what would be a strategy would to be do your Thol record, identify your half thoughts? What are my thoughts that are not 100 percent true, that are getting in the way and where I'm giving myself permission not to make those changes? So when you have an idea of what could come up for me and I have a plan on how I'm going to address it, that can make a big difference.

Right? Maybe if you really want to be somewhere on time, you will ask, want to carpool. So then you're making a commitment to someone, see that that kind of thing. Like, you know, I might not get there on time. What can I do? I'm going to go ask Sue if I can drive with her and have her pick me up. That will make me be on time. Those are kind of the things I'm thinking about when you do an action plan that can be really helpful as well.

Another step to deal with the self sabotaging behavior is to start learning to tolerate some emotional discomfort. So you want to start really small, you don't want to start big. So if you have some emotions you may experience when you stop yourself sabotaging habits and choose healthier alternatives. For example, if you're feeling irritable or fearful or frustrated, you said you want to list, you know, what are these emotions that you're having and just find that space to just tolerate for maybe a couple minutes and think about what other situations do I have these feelings and just, you know, do some breathing exercises, you know, just be in that space, know that this is going to pass because feelings do pass.

They're very you know, it's an ebb and flow and that I can handle these uncomfortable feelings until I can figure out what am I thinking that's creating them and coming up with more balanced alternative thoughts and a better plan. But a lot of times, you know, we're in that space of like you just are unable to tolerate any negative feeling and then you just boom, go for the behavior. Right? You go from your mood to your behavior. So I'm anxious.

I'm going to drink. I'm anxious, I'm going to eat. I'm anxious. I'm going to avoid I'm depressed. I'm just going to stay in bed so I don't have to deal with anything. You know, I'm angry. I'm just going to, you know, start yelling at people or blaming people, or maybe I'm going to drive too fast, cut somebody off on the road. And for the moment, all of these things I'm talking about work.

It makes us feel better for the moment, but it's a Band-Aid. So when we can start tolerating, like, OK, I'm really frustrated now because maybe I'm in the car and the person in front of me is driving super slow and I can't get around them. I just need to take a minute. I need to breathe. I don't need to slam on my horn. I don't need to tailgate them. I just need a minute to tolerate this discomfort and know that this will pass and I can get around the car and I'll get to where I need to go.

So there would be another example. And there's a lot of road rage out there. Right. So some of you might be able to relate to that as well. And when you don't feel like you have to immediately get rid of negative feelings, you're going to start feeling more confident, confident in yourself that you know what? I can handle what comes my way and example, if we focus on anxiety for a minute, is a lot of times or most times I should say that people with anxiety don't feel that they can handle stressors in their lives or that they can cope.

And that's an important thing to really work on because you're always worried about, you know, the what ifs. Right? So someone who doesn't have anxiety will get up in the morning and be like, OK, today's Monday, what I have to do, where am I going to wear? What time do I have to be at work? Where am I got to take care of the kids or whatever you're doing? We might meet up with your friends.

You know, you just keep going with your day. And unconsciously, you know that you can handle whatever comes your way. So you're not sitting there just worrying and worrying about it and you're not going to be going to negative behavior. So that's important just to understand that difference and be able to be in that mood for a moment, if that is your mood, and not just go to the negative behavior over time, you will gradually increase your tolerance for those emotions in lots of different areas in your life.

Another thing that you can do, which I talked about, another podcast about our values, was clarifying your values. And when you clarify the things that matter most to you and you connect to them in a healthier way, something new, it's much easier for them to grow, replace the old self sabotaging behaviors. So, you know, what are my values, what are important to me and what are three maybe values that I could identify in my particular problem and write them down.

So let's say, for example, it's about the being late. You know, what's the value? A maybe value is of respect. I want to respect other people's times. Maybe another value will be being reliable that you want people to know they can count on you and you're going to show up when you say you will and you're going to be prepared. Those are the types of values that can say, you know, that can really motivate me because that's who I want to be and that's who I am.

But people don't see that because of these self sabotaging behaviors that I'm just not dealing with. So thinking about your values can also be a really good connection as well. I want also share that researchers have found that people are unlikely to defeat their self sabotage behavior if the only element that changes is your behavior. So that's why we always have to be aware of what are we thinking and what emotions are created by our thoughts, which then affect their behavior.

And as you become more aware of your thoughts and identify your emotions and your behaviors, you can begin to start challenging them. Right. Which is what it's all about. That's what I talk about. Right in her negative self talk supports the self sabotage. Right. So what is my negative self talk? And I need to be able to see what I'm doing then and catch it quicker, like, oh, there I'm going down that road. I'm not good enough.

I'm never going to be able to do this. I can't reach my goals, you know, whatever that negative self talk is that feeds the negative moods and then just continues the same behaviors. And also another thing we can add here is just understanding your deeper beliefs, which I would identify as like your core beliefs. Right. That I have a whole podcast on core beliefs and are they even rational and are they based on any clear facts? So what are my deeper core beliefs about myself?

Maybe that I'm not good enough, I'm a failure, I'm worthless. And those are going to also affect the assumptions you have in the thoughts you have about yourself, which make you feel bad and choose poor behaviors. So lots of different levels, lots of different tools, which is what I, I don't want you to feel overwhelmed with everything I'm sharing today, but I want you to know, like, wow, a lot of different tools I can use.

And that's the point of CBT. Not every tool is going to work for you, but within the change I want to make, I don't want to self sabotage anymore. There's all these different things that I can try and figure out what's going to work for me the most. So you always want to start off small, right? By achieving some smaller goals, getting to the bigger ones, you know, and brainstorm how you can do this. So don't just, you know, pick the biggest, biggest goal, break it down into something smaller where you won't be sabotaging as much and you can start feeling better about who you are and seeing the progress you're making.

We see progress, not perfection. It's really important to take the time and give yourself some credit for the progress you've made and for the things that you're accomplishing, even if in your eyes it's small. Right. Which is also a negative thought. This is a small thing. It's not really a big deal. It's the small things that get to the big things. Right. It's the little stuff everyday that we build on. You know, I've had some clients that had a hard time leaving the house and I've said, you know what?

I just want you to go out the front door, walk to the corner and come back home. And I want you can go around the block, even if you want to just go to the corner and come back home and tomorrow do the same thing and keep pushing and pushing. So a lot of people said that's, you know, that was the one thing that got them out the house. Right. Just like, oh, I need to go to the corner.

Right. I can do that. And then I come home and it's like, oh, I listen to Dr. Osborne. I did my homework. I was successful. We want to create goals that we can be successful and it will build. I'm telling you, it'll build. It'll build. And then we want to look and say, yeah, I did do that. Then I judge it or minimize it. It's more than I was doing before.

I wasn't even leaving the house. Right. It is something. So these are some ways and many tools to change the self sabotaging. But again, walking through each of these steps, taking your time, there's no rush to start understanding. First, you know, what are my behaviors that are sabotaging? What are things I'm frustrated with? What are the things people complain about? What do I want to change? What's important to me, it needs to mean something to you, not just to someone else, and then figuring out what am I willing to change?

What am I willing to start? You got to have a willingness to do all of this, you guys. It's not just because someone tells you to do something. Maybe you'll do something someone tells you to do for a week and then it's just going to stop. Like you have to you have to have some investment in it for you to really want to feel better and to start taking those steps. And again, the most important thing I always tell you is to figure out what am I thinking?

Because our thoughts create or moods 100 percent. And then that affects our behaviors and that's what we want to change. And when we start changing our thoughts and taking those small steps to change our behaviors, it all comes together. And then you can start feeling happier and having self-confidence and self-worth and seeing that, you know, there was a purpose in the self sabotage. But the purpose does not serve me anymore. And I want to find something else that I can replace it with so I can feel good about myself and where I am.

And again, have the self compassion when you understand the purpose it serves and not to judge yourself and just understand that's just where I am right now, or that's where I was and where do I want to be.

So I hope this was helpful. If you have more questions, please reach out. I don’t want you to feel like you're not getting something. Or if you feel like I missed something, I want to be able to fill in the blanks for you, give you maybe some more suggestions, give you just some, you know, kudos, like, ‘good job!’ when you share with me the steps that you made and the progress that you're making.

So I'm always available. And again, I love hearing from you. You can reach me at MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com.

And you can always follow me on Facebook; you can follow me on Instagram. I love seeing your names and following me and giving me, you know, again, suggestions and just some feedback is always great. I love feeling connected to everybody out there.

And as always, if you do share any emails and I share them in my podcast, I'll always keep your name confidential and never share it on the air.

I hope you enjoyed this episode. Please hit the Subscribe button to make sure you never miss another one.

Thanks for joining me. Stay safe. I'll see you next week.

And always remember: make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.

Take care.