Episode #42 

The Altruism Option

Do you often find yourself feeling depressed or lonely?

Do you wish you knew what you could do to feel better?

In this episode, Dr Julie Osborn talks about how being altruistic and giving to others can have a positive impact on your own well-being.

She also discusses some practical ways to work with a lack of energy and desire to give to others, the benefits that come from doing this and how you can use the power of cognitive behavioral therapy to feel better.

Click the link below to listen now!

Reference Guide:

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, my name is Dr. Julie Osborn, and I'm a doctor of psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm here to help bring the power of CBT into your own life. In this podcast, I'll answer your questions and share with you practical ways to apply CBT principles so you can achieve a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in your life and relationships.

In this episode, we're going to take a closer look at altruism. It can be a key to wellness and a fuller life.

The more you give, the more you receive. I know we've all heard that, but there's a lot of truth in it. Too few of us are in touch with a lifestyle choice that can bring us a wealth of happiness. Integrity and wellness and altruism or giving to others has grown out of favor over the past several decades. But it's been a feature of human interaction throughout history, of course. Indeed, a spirit of cooperation and giving has always been a hallmark of what binds a group or even a society together.

So two people sharing their resources can produce more than two individuals acting alone. In most circumstances, many people take the attitude that they work hard for what they have. So why should they give anything to another person or organization? Over the past several decades, our culture has definitely seen a shift away from giving towards a focus of self-interest. The shift coincides with the weakening of our sense of community, the breakdown of the nuclear and extended family. At times there's higher divorce rates, there's increased emotional diagnoses for children and increased stratification of the social and economic orders.

A lot of different issues going on, a lot of stressors. This creates guided by self-interest and greed rather than compassion and sharing. Some in our society continue to grow wealthier, while many others drift down into poverty. And over the past decades, people's ties to each other weakened and more people feel lonely. Violence also has increased over human suffering and environmental destruction. I know I'm seeing a lot of stuff, but there's a lot.

This really affects a lot of things. And you'll see as we continue talking about this, so more people these days feel disconnected from others and question whether their lives have meaning. They find security in acquiring material goods. The latest technological tool, the current handbag, the trendies, automobile adhering to self has now left us individually or as a society in an emotionally healthy state. The antidote to this cultural trend is found at the individual level, though, when enough people become conscious of how self-interest pervades their lives and then challenge it by adopting a different way of living, it spreads throughout society.

So recent research into neurological activity in the brain indicates that we are hardwired to toward altruism, toward giving to others compassion, caring, kindness and sharing. That's the good news. This is the natural human condition. And exploring this part of yourself, can you bring you back into harmony with your natural state? You know, Gandhi said, be the change you want to see in the world. And that's a great place to start. And I think, you know, looking at what's happened with this pandemic, that in many ways actually there has been some more altruism in people giving and helping each other out and caring for each other just by the things we do, the ways we stay safe.

You know, all of our essential workers, what they've done over this last year, you know, being there for others. And we've seen some really fabulous ways that we have come together. And then we've also seen some places where we've been torn apart. Right. So all of these issues are still obviously in our world. But, you know, what can we do to start making changes where we want to focus on, of course, self-interest and altruism are not either or concepts, though we do need both, just as the person guided purely by self-interest loses a great deal in terms of life experiences, the completely altruistic person constantly serving others is deprived of the experience of exploiting aspects of his or her own self care as well.

The clues to find a balance between these two extremes. At this cultural juncture, most people would benefit from looking into the altruistic option, though that would be a good place to start. So let's talk about what are some of the advantages of giving. So it's often been said that it's better to give than to receive advice. As I started the podcast saying, let's explore this more in detail. And how do you benefit from giving to others? There's a carabiner world to remember about giving.

When you give expecting a reciprocal reward, you won't get one when you give money or time, expecting a return on your investment, you defeat the goal of giving. However, you benefit greatly when you're giving is motivated by joy, love and selflessness. Getting in touch with your giving self is in itself the reward. So let's look at new relationships. So humans crave interaction with other people, right? That's our DNA. We need to be connected.

We're social beings. However, we may feel isolated in our routine, in our daily lives, going to work on. Home never talking in a meaningful way to anyone else, if we lack stimulating interaction with others, our lives shrink. So one way of breaking out of this isolation is to cultivate new friendships with others who are involved in taking care of the world and themselves in the process. So you can join a group that feeds the homeless, organize a neighborhood, drive to donate to an unemployed family, visit some residents, you know, when it's safe course, you know, at places, maybe nursing homes.

One day we'll get back there or, you know, just if you know that there's a neighbor in your neighborhood that lives alone, just, you know, check no knock on the door, check on them, make sure that, you know, if they need anything, you'll soon expand your social world and involve yourself in a host of new meaningful interactions. And really, it really does go a long way. It really does. You know, these are a lot of fearful times, right, being, you know, we're coming out of the pandemic, which I'm grateful for.

But there's still a lot of fearful times of, you know, what's it going to look like ahead? Most of our information about the world comes from TV and the ratings and profits increase when they focus on crime or terrorist acts, political strife and economic crisis. So a lot of fear based news. In reality, these times are probably no more violent than past times in history have been. But we're now, through the media, exposed to violence now more than ever.

So our fear and insecurity about the world increases. And our response is to hunker down into cocoon lifestyle, which the pandemic is only fed right with all of us having to isolate and not really interacting as much as we normally do. So I think it's going to be an adjustment. Just going out back into public, you know, going to a park, you know, going to a restaurant and just feeling comfortable. I've had a lot of clients have had anxiety, even though they want to get back to what's, quote, normal.

They had some anxiety doing that. So confronting this fear by increasing our social connections they're giving to others is a good way to achieve a more balanced life. As I was saying earlier, reaching out to neighbors or joining community organizations organizations is an effective method of reducing your fears of the world. So think about if you're not already aware, you know what what brings you interest? Who would you like to work with? You like kids. Like seniors, you know, you know, teenagers, animals, the ocean.

I mean, you know, anything where you can give back. So improving your health can help by volunteering. And it's been shown through various studies that enhances our immune systems, that lower their cholesterol levels. It strengthens our cardiovascular functioning and reduces stress. So, you know, you will get back something no matter what regarding your health, your emotional health, your physical health. So it's really great. We want to achieve our full potential, too.

So when you work purely for self-interest, you lose touch with your fuller potential. So that is your ability to share your energy, your work and talents for the good of others. You challenge yourself and because your work has an impact on others and they may even come to depend on what you give them, you push yourself even farther. In the process, you may discover skills and abilities you never knew you had. You may experience a leap in your self esteem.

You may even start to see the world in a different way. Instead of the negative thinking that can emerge out of living through the same routine every day, you may begin to see the world, yourself and others in a more positive and exciting light. Doing good can bring good things not only to the lives of other people, but your own life as well. You do want to address your own moods, right? So here's the cognitive therapy that we can use these tools to help as well.

You know, we all have negative cycles in our lives. Sometimes we end up stuck in a negative cycle for an extended period. Giving to others is one way for people to address their own moods. And when you feel unhappy, even though it's hard, try bringing happiness into someone else's life and you'll likely find that your own unhappiness dissipates, at least to some degree. If you feel anxious, try soothing someone else. If you feel depressed, try giving someone else some nurture care and attention.

We're all interconnected and by giving to others, we give to ourselves at the same time and we rebuild. We so. So, you know, using the cognitive therapy in this aspect is that when we feel depressed, when we feel anxious, we tend to withdraw and we don't want to talk to others. And I don't think we even think of giving to others because we're so wrapped up in our stuff. And that's just, you know, part of part of being depressed.

You know, we get stuck in our stuff and being anxious. We get wrapped up in how we're feeling and we're just trying to fix all these things in our lives. So if you can find just a little bit of energy and say, you know what, is there someone maybe I can reach out to, I can check in with you. What is it that you know, I can do in the community? You know, is there a place I've always thought of volunteering when I was in a better mood?

Sometimes it's something to ask yourself, you know, when I was happier, what are some things I wanted to do that I'm not doing now and don't take a lot of energy, but just a little something. So just think about that. It really does make a difference. And I'm sure many of you that are listening to me now know what I'm talking about. And you have been giving back into the community and different organizations. You always feel really good about it, so I know I giving you brand new news or brand new ideas, but if you are stuck, you know, thinking about what your thoughts are and realizing that they could be the thoughts, which are the ones that are 100 percent true when, you know, I don't have anything to give, I'm too depressed or they'll be able to tell I'm upset or I'm sad.

You know, that gives you permission not to do anything. And those are all half thoughts. There's lots of times people have no idea what you're going through. And I have people tell me nobody would ever know I'm so depressed or even possibly suicidal. I mean, I've had a lot of people share that with me or some people have panic attacks right in the office and nobody even notices. So, you know, don't assume people know how you feel because that's not true.

We all tend to have pretty good skills at covering it up. So you could reach out to someone even if you're not doing your best and they wouldn't even know. So that's just an example of a thought that might hold you back. So some ways of giving you might think that despite the obvious benefits of giving, you simply don't have the time or the resources or energy, as I just said, to help other people. However, value is not necessarily limited to money, and inquiring in an altruistic way of living means finding value in areas of your lives that may have nothing to do with monetary assets, cleaning out your closet and giving your clothes to the Salvation Army or any place that you like to donate to.

Expecting a tax deduction is not necessarily a good example of an altruistic lifestyle, but it is still giving back. And there's many ways of sharing with what you have with other people and you don't have to spend any money. So you cleaning out your closet, your garage and just donating. People can really help in a lot of churches or high schools, have food drives or clothes drives or, you know, just finding places that you want to donate to.

You know, sometimes some of the sober living houses in the community, some people could use just some clothes. Some times people, you know, they're getting in recovery. Just show up with the shirts on their back. So there's lots of places you can donate to that can make you feel good and maybe have some meaning to you. So think about that. So let's talk about laughter. Researchers have long known that laughter causes the brain to release powerful chemicals called endorphins.

These neurochemicals bring us a feeling of joy is pain and increased alertness. Laughter relaxes us. It can help to diffuse tense situations, explore what makes you laugh, and then share with other people, tell jokes and funny stories, share little things that have happened to you in your life and engage in some physical humor, whether it's, you know, just wrestling around with your siblings or your friends and, you know, just having a good time. So there's something else that you can do for yourself and for others, another way of giving.

So you've learned a great deal in your lifetime, I'm sure, in both from practical experiences and what you've read and heard. So share your knowledge with other people. You become more valuable to your social networks and to people you meet. You've acquired wisdom and you've learned what to do and what to avoid. So help other people as they struggle with situations similar to what you've experienced. Some people acquire a library and leave books on shelves for years, never to be open again.

But think about this may not be better to have a conversation with someone about a book. And if they express an interest in the book than simply to give it to them, you benefit from sharing your knowledge and giving a gift. And the other person benefits not only from the knowledge they acquire from the book, but from the experience of having something of value given to them and sharing that experience with them. So I love when people refer books to me or even like a movie that really touch them.

I do that with a lot of people I know. And, you know, you kind of get excited thinking, wow, you know, this is something I really want to watch and then go back and talk to my friend about and have that connection. Time can be seen as one of your most precious assets. You have only a limited amount of time during your lifetime, so it's important to spend it wisely. So ask yourself if you're spending your time.

Well, my endless hours in front of the TV might be better spent in pursuit. Important to you, one that enhances your life in the lives of others. When you give your time to another person or an organization, you're giving a precious gift, a part of your life. Examine your own values. Do you like being with people? Nature, activity, ideas? They give you a time to pursue whatever it is that you value and do it in such a way that other people reap the benefit of what you value.

For example, if you like being a nature volunteer your time and building nature trails. If it's an activity, you might coach a soccer team or teach inner city kids how to swim through a local youth program. So, you know, you see all these great stories on the news many times where people are giving back to different programs, especially with kids. And it just makes all the difference. And maybe you even have a story to share how you were an organization when you were a kid that someone came and gave to you and and made a big difference.

Another thing that's going to be really important in a really good gift, really for each other is showing respect to others is one of the best gifts. You can do this by active listening. One of our greatest needs is to have another person show that he or she cares about. Is my podcast called What Did You Say? He talks about being a good. Listeners that might be going to listen to also when someone listens to us, it makes us feel nurturing important, and so few of us have even one person in the world who can do this for us.

So encourage your friend to talk to you about important issues. Give them your complete attention. Don't pass judgment as a person talks. Just ask short questions or make brief comments and encourage the person to see more. You can say, you know, tell me more or that must have been really hard. Can you share, you know, share more with me and avoid giving advice unless the other person asks for it? Just listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone else.

So what I've shared today, if it sounds intriguing, I want to talk about some other things you can do to just, you know, maybe work towards a simpler life, because I think a lot of us are just overwhelmed with our lives and everything that's on our plate. And it's hard to find time for ourselves, much less anybody else. Right. So, you know, many of us are caught up in the materialistic trap, especially in certain places in the country.

We live in a lot of money. A lot of people have nice stuff, you know, expensive cars everywhere we go. It looks like everybody's making a lot of money when that's not necessarily true. And we all work to make more money so we can buy more things. And the more things we want, the more we have to work. And, you know, I think a lot of times people around us really, you know, encourage us or we think people admire us more by the money we make.

So that pushes us as well so that our lives become limited to self-interest and we lose touch with the broader and richer life that comes from connection to the community and sharing what we have with others. So in our humdrum, workaday lives, we find little relief. We might go to an expensive restaurant for a treat, or we may spend seven days once a year to lavish and barely affordable resort. And we define this as the good life. And maybe that is the good life for you.

I mean, that's a definition for everybody. But I want you to examine what are your values and make a list of your life priorities and examine which of the priorities you're achieving right now. The items on your list could include, you know, more reading, learn about music spending, more time with friends, examining your spiritual life, or even spending time outdoors in nature. Whatever you choose is your choice. There's no judgment here. There's no right or wrong.

You may be passionate about some items on your list, but find that you don't have the time right now because you have to work so much just to make ends meet. Right. That's that's a, you know, honest assessment for some of us. So can you work less in order to make more time for yourself? Can cut back on some responsibilities. Maybe you can. The clue is not how much money you make, but how much you spend.

And cutting back on responsibilities might be. For example, I know some people that volunteer for everything and they have no time for themselves or their family sometimes. So, you know, that might be, you know, just learning how to say no more often, maybe just picking one thing to volunteer, but not to have so many. So you may still have to work, of course, to make a certain amount of money, but what responsibilities can I let go or even just you know, I've heard some people say I'm just letting go of any, you know, volunteer work because I have 10000 things that I volunteer for for this year and I'm just going to keep one.

And then next year I'll reassess. So it's not about, you know, don't spread yourself too thin because again, you want that balance and then you can examine how you can live a simpler life where the quality of everyday living can be much higher. If you like music, you know, instead of having or feeling stressed that I spend all this money on a top name concert, you know, a lot of times and I think we'll get back to this once the pandemic is past us to have some free concerts.

I know they have them in my community. We love going to them. We see friends, we take a meal. It's really a great time if you like food, you know, but you don't have the money to go. The expensive restaurants, you know, maybe cook at home and when you can, you know, invite some friends over and share it and maybe, you know, you can have them bring something, you make something. So, you know, it's another way for us to connect with each other and have fun.

You know, more and more people, if you have the space or, you know, growing vegetables in your backyard or there's community gardens. So those are things that are great to get involved in. And just finding places, you know, they're close by. Again, if money is an issue that, you know, funding, hiking trail or beautiful parks and, you know, sometimes we just don't go outside of this five mile radius of where we live.

And sometimes we have to venture out a little more. And there's some really nice areas wherever you you know, wherever you live. So these are just some ideas. And I want to ramble on. But, you know, you can find for yourself to have a simpler life if that's something that you'd like to have and that's simpler. Life really is giving yourself the opportunity to be more present and more engaged with your surroundings and the people in your life.

And remember, part of CBT, you know, your environment and your life situations is a huge factor in how you feel about your life. So, you know, our thoughts create our moods, affects our behaviors and our physical reactions. Right. But we have to look at our environments and saying, you know, what is my environment look like? And is that part of the problem? Am I too isolated? Do I have too many people that I'm always trying to scenes get together?

And do I want to focus more on my friendships, not just 10000 acquaintances, you know, whatever that, again, might look like for you? Of course, we need to do everything so. Right now, but just think about, you know, if I could really have the life that I want regarding connection, giving back, being involved, what would that look like? Write it down again. Look, you know, what your values are is a good place to start and then pick somewhere to get started and take that first step and be aware is always what am I thinking if I'm having a negative mood and what am I thinking when I'm having my good mood?

You know, when you're in the process of giving back in some way, be aware of what your thoughts are and how you're feeling and how good it feels. And that will help you continue and want to continue to go forward and give back even more. It really fills your heart when you're finding a connection with something that's important to you, you know, and if you're not sure what that is, you know, also if you have a partner or if your kids, you know, ask them, you know, who they like to give back or maybe raise a little bit of money for, you know, what are some of, you know, or having your kids, you know, pick out a couple of toys that they're done with and you can donate them maybe to, you know, a children's home or somewhere that would accept them.

So, you know, it's great when you get your family involved as well and, you know, start teaching your kids at a young age. What is altruism? What is it about giving back? And they will see how good it feels as well.

So that's it for today. I hope this was helpful for you.

If you have a burning therapy question you'd love answered, you can email me at MyCBTPodcast@gmail.com and you can rest easy knowing I'll always keep your name confidential and I’ll never share it on the air.

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