Episode #92

Control Issues & CBT

Control issues can form part of anxiety, marriage issues, relationship or work issues.

What are the signs of a control imbalance?

How can you have a balanced view towards control?

How can you control without being controlling?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you how cognitive behavioral therapy can help you regain control of your control issues!

Click to listen now!

Reference Guides:

Full Episode Transcript

Hi! This is Dr. Julie from My CBT Podcast. Thanks for being with me. I'm a doctor of psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy, and I'm here to bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So I appreciate you guys being with me today. I just wanted to share a few comments I got from my listeners on Instagram, which is great.

Someone mentioned,

“You're amazing! I just love listening to your podcast. Congratulations from Australia.”

So that was cool! I hear from people all over the world, which is very humbling, and I really am grateful for that. Another message I got was,

“Congrats! I've been loving your podcast. It’s helped so much. Thank you.”

I get a lot of sweet little messages from all you guys around the world sharing how the podcasts have been helpful, which means a lot to me. I've always wanted to make a difference, and I think it is, which is great, and more people are learning CBT and reaching out and getting help for themselves and hopefully living a better and happier life. So keep sending me your messages. You can always find me on Instagram under my CBT podcast as well as some other social medias.

But that's one for now, we'll talk about the rest later. So today I wanted to talk to you about a topic that I think would be pretty interesting, which is control issues. Right? So what does control issues mean? Sometimes we're called control freaks.

So control freaks try to control or be in charge of people in things, even situations. They can't be controlling and they think they can.

Control issues can be related to your anxiety. They can be in relationships, they can be at work in a marriage. They can be part of another mental health issue. So let me first clarify that being in control of your life and being controlling are two different things. We want to clarify that.

I believe that everybody needs to have a sense of control in their life to feel happy, right? Because what's the other is, obviously you're going to feel out of control, which is going to make you feel anxious. But being controlling is when it can be a problem, whether you're being controlling or you're in a relationship where you're feeling like someone's controlling you. So if you're the one that's being controlling and again, it can show up in all areas of your life and there's a lot of subtle signs that you might not even be aware of. So we'll talk about that in a minute.

But when you are overly focused on controlling situations around you, that's an issue. Control might stem from your own anxiety feeling, again, out of control. It might be part of if you have OCD or some other mental health conditions, as I mentioned earlier. But sometimes, you know, it's just somebody is controlling cause more of an issue with their core belief. Remember, there's a podcast I have on core beliefs, if you want to listen to more about that.

But it doesn't have to be a mental health issue. It could just be something that's happened in your life right. That you feel like you need to control things because you're afraid if you don't, what might happen at the core, which is part of the cognitive behavioral therapy too right? Is that it's the fear of losing control? And maybe you've lost control in your life in different ways, and you don't want to be at the mercy of others, or that is your fear, because I know that's a strong word, but there is a fear of being at the mercy of others, probably due to a traumatic event you went through that left you feeling helpless and vulnerable.

So some signs of a controlling person is if they make you think everything is your fault, if they criticize you often, if they don't want you to see the people that you care about, they don't want you to spend time with them. If they keep score, they might gaslight you, making you think that what you believe is not true. We also have a podcast on gaslighting, if you want to listen to that. They might create drama, they may intimidate you, they can be moody, they can accuse you of being too sensitive. That's controlling, right?

Don't feel that way. They might be jealous if there's bullies at work. Those are controlling people if somebody ignores your boundaries and if they try to change you. Also, if you end up feeling disrespected or not heard or even humiliated or embarrassed, it might be important to re evaluate those relationships that you're in. Whether it's personal, whether it's your career, extended family members.

It's always important, you know, that you're honoring yourself and listening to yourself, that you feel like that doesn't feel good. This person is embarrassing me in front of others, putting me down. I never feel heard, I don't feel respected. I need to really look at these relationships and say, what's going on here? Is this person trying to control me?

And people ask me, controlling people, be abusive? And I would say yes. If you start to feel intimidated or afraid, that's abusive right there, right? So these are all things to be aware of. If somebody in your life is trying to control you, and also for you, ask yourself, do I say to others, oh, you're too sensitive?

Do I get jealous being honest in my bullying? I know it's hard to really be honest about these things with yourself, but if you're really wanting to work and improve, these are really important questions. Do I ignore people's boundaries or do I accept them? Do I try to change people so they fit my needs? All the things I was saying about other people, you want to look at yourself to see if that's an issue.

If someone has said you're just too controlling, that's a lot to take in. So I always tell people, when somebody shares something really sensitive with you vulnerable, you don't have to agree. You can just say, I'm going to kind of take that in and think about it and I'll get back to you. So just kind of be mindful of that. And always remember, this is a little kind of mantra you can use to kind of be mindful to see what's going on with other people.

But control is the opposite of respect, right? So if you're not feeling respected, there might be some control issues going on in that relationship, and that's what you want to evaluate. So let me go back for a minute just to share a story that I went through, and I can relate to what I'm talking about regarding being controlling and how you can change that. So when I was mentioning that the core of being wanting to control is the fear of actually losing control, right? And it might be through traumatic events and things like that.

So I know I've shared a lot with you guys and shared my story on my Core Belief podcast about being abandoned by my mom. When my parents divorced, she moved across the country here to California. I was back in New York and I stay with my dad, and I would see her every summer and we were in touch and we had a good relationship. But I can tell you now that I understand myself through my own therapy, that when my parents told me they were getting divorced, it was like someone pulled the rug out from under my feet because as a family unit, we were really a great family. And I have people that can attest to that.

That's not my own denial regarding that part. And it was just shocking. I didn't see it coming whatsoever. So on an unconscious level, I felt very out of control, right? I couldn't do anything to make my parents stay together, but it completely affected my life and how does that play out in my life?

So it's interesting that even at a young age, what you absorb in your environment. So I look back and my mom was a stay at home mom, which was wonderful, and I love my mom dearly and makes you rest in peace because I'm going to be talking about her. But she was financially completely dependent on my father and she needed to find a way out of the marriage because she wasn't happy. But part of her staying, probably as long as she did, one aspect was financially, she couldn't leave on her own because she couldn't support herself somewhere. My brain took that in and I understood that, even though I don't remember anyone ever talking to me about it or my mother complaining to me personally or anything like that.

But I took that in. And I have always been to a fault, very independent and without even having to tell myself. I realized I could never be financially dependent on another person. And again, that was to a fault, to always making sure that my career was strong and that I always made sure I had enough money and maybe even more than my partners so that I wouldn't ever feel dependent on them. So it wasn't again, it wasn't like I was really mindful of this when I look back.

But it's just what I did because the message I got as a kid was if you're not financially independent, you're going to be stuck. And I talk to people today that feel like they're stuck in relationships because financially they can't just move out and completely take care of themselves and that's very gray area, right. There's many, many things that go into that about if you're going to break up with somebody and financially and you know, if you're married and have kids and all that kind of stuff. So there's a lot going into it. But I want to say just sharing that me trying to be in control so I would never be financially dependent on anyone and stuck was my issue of control, right.

That I just couldn't be comfortable ever being dependent on somebody. And not that it's a terrible thing, right. And I love when they're stay at home parents. My husband was a stay at home parent. That is all good, but it's got in.

I wouldn't have been able to do that really because I couldn't put myself in that vulnerable place. And it doesn't mean that you're going to be stuck. But that's where my head was because of that trauma I went through. I hope this is making sense. I would like to share my personal experience with you guys.

Let you know I can really understand what that feels like and understand that it can change because it will always be a little part of me. But I'm not feeling that way to a fault anymore. And I've been able to relax and loosen up in that area, right. But I understand that was one of the big ones to share. But I understand that part of my personality is I'm kind of five steps ahead.

I like to know what's going on. I like to feel in control. But I think that's okay because that's part of being healthy, right? That I have destiny of my life is in my hands. The life I have is the life I create.

So there's some issues there where I have take some control to make certain things happen. But I have to let control over other people go and let them have their own destiny and the choices they're going to make. With my family, I can give suggestion and I have to be able to step back and just let them make their own decisions. I'll give you just a little example which is so interesting because it can be so minor, but I always get the mail, right? Getting the mail, which I never thought about until I could view this example and you understand more, was just me managing my life, paying my bills, seeing what's going on.

My husband never gets the mail unless I say, did you go get the mail? And I laughed because it just sounds so silly. But when we talked it through, he says, you know, when he was a kid, getting the mail always brought bad news, right? The bills or maybe other situations. He remembered a stress when the mail would come.

So he doesn't get the mail unless I ask him to. I didn't have that experience, right? So me getting the mail is a healthy way of just controlling things and taking care of business. And when I explained this to him, you know, we got a good laugh out of our differences, and he understood. But I also understood why he didn't get it and helped me understand instead of being like, what's the problem?

Right? So there's a little little example and then the big examples, what I went through, seeing my mom being financially dependent and how it controlled her life for a long time. So this is just an example to help you think about you and maybe understand you. Why do I feel like I need to control things I really don't want to? It is exhausting.

It is exhausting, you guys, to try to control other people because you can't do it, right? How can you focus on your life and what's best for you when you're trying to control everybody else and what they're doing so your life of what you think will be better or good or calm you down. Right? If I can control what they're doing, then I don't need to worry about it. That's a hot thought.

That ain't true. 100%. Right? But it is exhausting. Where are you going?

What are you doing? Do it this way. Do it that way. You need to be, you know, doing this. You need to study that.

You need to go for this job. Don't spend your money. By this, I mean, like, that is what a lot of people do, running around trying to control the people in their life, because underneath, they feel so anxious, because at the core, you may believe that you're out of control or you don't have control. Most likely, that's not true, but I always, you know, say that you create what you fear the most, right? So if I fear being out of control by trying to control everything outside of yourself, you end up being out of control, and that's where you create what you fear the most.

So you want to do an inventory and say, okay, what are the things in my life that I don't think I have control over? Let's do a full record on that. Let's look at the cognitive distortions. What do I need to do so I can feel like I have more control in my life and what am I trying to control that I can't and I need to give that up. So again, at the core belief might be that I'm out of control but what's the mood connected?

It's a lot of anxiety, right? The mother of anxiety is uncertainty uncertainty gives us anxiety because we want to have answers, right? In our brain we're wired to have answers to our stories in our head so when we come up with like. Oh. They probably didn't text me back because of this reason we get that little shot of dopamine we're like.

Okay. That feels good even if I don't like the answer but to be left with not having the answer creates anxiety so how am I going to relieve myself of anxiety? Because I don't want to feel this, I'm going to go try and control things or the other people and then that finishes my story, get my little dopamine and move on but it never ends, right? Because I have to continue to do that to feel good so what are the cognitive behavioral tools to help change that feeling of anxiety? The behavior is controlling, right?

So let's go back to the whole theory of CBT is my thought is I have to control the situation to be okay I have to control the situation to be safe the mood is probably insecurity, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, possibly scared, right? So the behavior then is to control things or try to control things you probably don't have control over and continually feeling frustrated which feeds in your anxiety what other physical symptoms you have with anxiety? Your heart might be palpitating, maybe you're short of breath, you feel lightheaded, dizzy, muscle tension, all those things, right? And then we want to look at the environment we're in. What's going on in our environment that we even have those thoughts that I have to control this or that maybe our environment is okay but it's just coming from our personal experiences in life so it's a lot of things to think about I know but I'm just wanting to trigger some thoughts for you guys to start looking at things differently if this is something that's in your life or if you have somebody in your life that is like this so the first one of the first tools is mindfulness.

Right? Being aware first that like, you know what, I am trying to control things that are out of my control or this person said I'm controlling and I was just like no I'm not. Maybe I need to think about that or maybe I can go back to them and be vulnerable and say what did you mean by that? What was I doing that felt controlling? So be mindful, be mindful of your moods when you start feeling anxious what am I thinking right now?

Right? So our thoughts create our moods but we're definitely more in touch with our moods first. So when I'm feeling anxious in a situation, what am I thinking? I'm out of control. That's a hot thought.

Most likely I have to control this. That's probably another hot thought. I can't control. This is another hot thought, right? If they were just doing my way, things would be better.

So lots of hot thoughts, I'm assuming, are going on. So be mindful of your thoughts and then going into your CBT tools, even more so with doing a thought record. All right. Using good communication, that's a part of CBT. I have a lot of podcasts on being a good listener, communicating, you know, being vulnerable with somebody in your life and saying, I realize I am controlling in these ways.

I'm going to work on this. If you're really willing to ask them to bring it to your attention, maybe you guys can come up with a way of talking or a signal when they feel like control. You're being controlling so you can kind of make a little lighthearted, but you can be mindful at that moment of like, oh, yeah, I am doing that, because you are like, you're going to relapse. Just like I talked about relapse prevention podcast. We always relapse.

It's not that's perfect, but we want to have more positive experiences than negative. So you have to catch yourself because if you've been doing it most of your life, like me, you know, it's like part of your DNA, I say. So it's just being mindful and catching that and being honest when it comes up again. And I'm telling you, when you work on this, you'll be able to breathe. There's so much you can take off your shoulders when you stop trying to control the world and being the master of the world, because it's not going to happen and it doesn't do anything good for you.

You just want to focus on what can I control? And if there's things I need to change, what do I need to do to work on those? Another good thing, I think that's helpful tool regarding your behavior of controlling is when you want to try to control somebody or do something, always look at your intentions. What's my intention of trying to control this person? What's my intention of trying to tell them, I think you should do it this way or that way?

You know, if I'm ignoring their boundaries, if I'm being moody, if I'm trying to intimidate others, if I'm creating drama, you know, what's my intention? And if my intention is to control the situation because that's going to make me feel better, that's not good. I think it will. We're able to say before we take action, what are my intentions and what I'm going to do? And you're honest with yourself and I think, you'll know, whether they're good intentions or bad, and then be able to stop yourself and say, okay, I need to take a different route here because I really don't have good intentions here.

I'm being selfish, thinking about myself. What's going to make me feel better? Because if you don't, you're doing. What I've talked about from the beginning is how most people live their life as you're going from your mood to your behavior. I feel anxious, so I'm going to control.

And maybe you work for the moment. Maybe you shut somebody up. Maybe you're able to get them to do what you want them to do, right? But next time you feel that way, anxious, you're going to just go back in control, right? So most people live off their moods and feelings are the same thing.

Based on how you're feeling determines what you do. That's why people don't get better, because if they find a behavior that works, they find someone they can intimidate or bully, then they just keep doing it, right? You don't get better. You have to slow down and say, okay, this isn't working. I'm not really happy.

Others aren't happy. It's affecting my life in negative ways. What am I thinking that's causing me to feel this way and act this way? And then I need to address those thoughts and get to some clarity and underlying core issues. And you know what?

I'm not sure what it is. I'm kind of lost here. That's okay. Reach out. Go to a therapist.

Get some professional help, somebody that can walk you through it's. Not that you can't do this work on your own, but I can tell you I have many, many, many clients that have shared with me that, you know what? I wouldn't have gone to that thought or that belief. I wouldn't have gone there on my own. And I just say that's why therapy is helpful, right?

Because you have someone with a very different perspective, someone who's not emotionally connected to you in the same way that can say, what do you think about this? Is this possible? Or you're really not addressing this issue, but I've heard you bring it up before, but then you kind of, you know, bring something else up and distract from that. But I'm as a therapist, you know, I have a good memory, and I remember they keep bringing this thing up, but they're not really addressing it. That might be really the underlying cause.

So seeing a professional can just help you walk through things, give you better insight, give you that support and courage to really address whatever it is you're not dealing with is probably pretty scary. Probably pretty scary. And that's okay. We all have scary things in our lives, and sometimes we just need someone to help us walk through that, to get to the other side and realize it's probably not as scary as we thought it was, and we're able to handle it better than we think we can, and then we're okay, and that we're human, right? And we go through things in life that affect us and we react.

That's just being human being, but whatever we're doing is causing problems. That's when we have to stop just being reactive and be proactive and get some help. So again, going over the tools if you're controlling is using mindfulness being aware all of the CBT tools. I've talked to you guys about all my podcast, you can go back to and read again, listen to it can be very helpful. Good communication, sharing this with loved ones or people that you're affecting and being open to them, communicating with you can really start changing things, working on your core beliefs.

This control, you just weren't born a controlling person. It was created by something you have gone through and then some belief that you created from that. So let's figure out what happened and what belief do you have? What hot thoughts do you have that keep feeding this belief that I need to control everything around me to be okay.

So again, it might make sense, but it doesn't serve me anymore. So I'm going to make some changes.

So I hope this was helpful. I'd love to hear some feedback from you guys on this podcast to share with me if it triggered something. If it gave you some insight. What you're working on to change. To not be controlling.

And to really believe me that once you can change this behavior. You will be a much happier person taking this load off your shoulders and letting the world take care of themselves and you just focusing on you and that will be positive for everybody around you in your life.

That's it for today. I hope this was helpful.

You can email me your questions, suggestions, your input at mycbtpodcast@gmail.com.

As I mentioned earlier, you can find me on Instagram at mycbtpodcast.

I'm on Facebook under Dr. Julie Osborn.

And my website is MyCognitiveBehaviouralTherapy.com.

If you enjoyed this episode, please hit the Subscribe button to make sure you won't miss another one. Share this with anyone you think would be helpful.

Thanks for joining me. Stay safe. I'll see you soon.

And remember to make decisions based on what's best for you and how you feel.