Episode #77 

Leaving Someone With Addiction

Leaving someone who is battling addiction or in the early stages of recovery presents unique challenges.

Is it possible to successfully meet these challenges?

How can you protect and take care of yourself?

And how can you know when to end the relationship?

In this sobering episode, Dr Julie answers these questions and many more, while showing you how to use the practical tools of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to support your own mental health.

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Full Episode Transcript

Hi, my name is Dr. Julie Osborn. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So I'm going to start off today sharing an email as I normally do. I always encourage you guys to reach out and I just received a wonderful, wonderful email this week and I had permission to share with you. Every time I read it, I get pretty emotional because it's just one of those incredible ones that just really blows me away. So let me start off sharing it and then I'm going to actually use the rest of the podcast to talk and answer the questions that are in the email as you hear them.

So it says:

“Loving someone with addiction.

Hi Doctor Julie, I found your podcast a week ago and it resonates so deeply with the information that you've shared. I'm so grateful there's someone providing this level of information on a more accessible platform. Thank you. I was wondering what your thoughts on someone who dates, marries loves someone who is in the early stages of recovering from an addiction. In my case, I finally parted ways with my boyfriend, who is an alcohol addict.

I loved him and of course I was not perfect. However, after a year, there was so much built up stress and pain that I couldn't take it anymore. There's a lot of lying in the relationship about when he drank, how much he drank. He hid alcohol from me. He hid that he was an alcoholic from me and tried to minimize it for months before finding help.

I was constantly worried and started to have intense trust issues and take on a maternalistic role. More than an equal lover, he consistently dismissed my need for care and love because it was too stressful to deal with trying to recover him dealing with his withdraws pain, taking his medication to reduce cravings and vomiting. If I asked for too much, he would say that I was insensitive and that I could quote never change for him. I'm not sure if this has to do with addiction, but he was always distracted and looking for the next thrill, the next escape. I was so scared of being abandoned.

Obviously, besides the problem of addiction and relationship, I wasn't the best girlfriend. I don't feel proud of the anger I felt when I found alcohol stashed in our apartment. I lashed out, but I was afraid of being alone. This was just the tip of the iceberg.

After one painful week of compulsive sobbing, feeling bouts of resentment and anger, him calling me insane, I found your podcast. I realized that I needed to prioritize myself and put myself first, that I was deserving of love and care. I went to my first therapy session today. You changed my life. I'm heartbroken, but I see a way forward. Thank you.”

That was heavy. It always brings tears to my eyes. Especially the last part where she shared that she went to her first therapy session. I was like, you go girl, good for you. Like she is making changes.

She hit her bottom of compulsively sobbing for a week. That will be a bottom for anybody, right? And sometimes that's where we need to get so we can start going up. So again, as I read this, I thought, you know, there's a lot of great questions that I think would be really helpful to go over, talk about how CBT can help walk through such a painful experience, a painful ending. And for those of you that are maybe involved with somebody who has an addiction that is in early recovery or is not in recovery yet, these are things we want to look at and understand our role in the relationship, their role in the relationship.

So I can relate to a lot of what she shared here. I had issues in the past of fear, of abandonment, not wanting to be alone. So I would stay in relationships that weren't healthy.

Also, my husband has almost 30 years of recovery. When I first met him, he was early in his recovery. So I couldn't really relate to what she was asking about. What are my thoughts? Who's being with somebody who's in the early stages and recovering from an addiction.

At the end of today's podcast, I will review other podcasts that I've done already. They relate to this as well if you guys want to listen to some other ones that you can learn from. So I thought, let me start with the first question where she asked me what my thoughts were on someone who dates, marries, or loves someone who is in the early stages recovering from addiction. So let me first talk about if you're dating or if you love somebody be married. I will talk about it in a minute because that's a different level of a relationship that there may be bigger decisions to make.

But I can tell from my experience when my husband was in his recovery early on that I didn't have to question if he was in recovery and working his program, like going to meetings every day, talking to a sponsor. We're part of the community. We went to conferences, we went to all different weekend retreats. It was great. We loved it.

But, you know, when somebody is working their program. So that's the first thing I would say, that if you start to date somebody and they're in the early stages, find out how involved they are, whether it is twelve step or if they're in therapy, what are they doing to get well? Is it their priority? It has to be their priority because without sobriety they're not going to have anything else. You're not going to hold onto their jobs.

They're not going to hold on to their relationships when it's so out of control. Right? So that's the first thing. And there's a lot of questions that are coming to my head as I'm talking to you guys about you need to ask yourself, are you okay being with someone in recovery? You don't have to be.

I've talked to some people who said, I want to go out and have a glass on wine with my partner. I have a beer, and I don't want that to be an issue. And that's okay. It's not about judgment. It's just that's what's important to you.

So that's something to think about if you even want to be with somebody who's in recovery, because that's a lifelong commitment, right. That hopefully that they're making for themselves. You also want to say, you know, what can I do to be a part of this as well? So for me personally, I chose to get involved with Twelve Step when we first started dating because I wanted to understand more. I went to the meetings with him, and then I found some meetings of my own that were like Allen on meetings that I found really helpful so I could go talk to other people that understood what it was like and some of the difficulties and challenges being with somebody that's in recovery.

So those are my first thoughts. My other thought, I guess as a therapist, I would also want to ask, is there an attraction? Because a lot of us that get involved with people that have addictions or other issues, we might have some codependency issues, right. So we're finding somebody else to rescue. She was so vulnerable and open.

Sharing with me is that she was saying that her role with him started to be more maternalistic than an equal lover. And that's what happens, right? Is that codependency kicks in and, oh, I'll help you, I'll take care of you. What do you need? And we're not equal anymore because now we're just so worried about the addict and what they're doing and are they drinking?

And then, like she said, she'd find alcohol that he was hiding it's a lot. I mean, any relationship is a lot, right? Any relationship is a lot to hopefully have healthy work on good communications. When you have an addiction going on, that's another level. And you're going to walk through a lot of probably difficult days.

It's going to be really challenging. And you really need to have healthy, open communication. You need the person in recovery to really be open and honest about how they're feeling and what they're struggling with. And you have to be open and honest about how you're feeling and to have a good sense of self worth to give the person in recovery the space to go to meetings, maybe not have time with you when you'd like because they're involved in being, well, whatever that looks like. So what are you going to do for yourself?

You're not just sitting home waiting for that person to come back, as she said. Also, she probably stayed in this relationship too long because she was so scared of being abandoned. Right. And what we fear the most, we tend to create what we fear the most. Right.

So her fear was being abandoned, and that was created by being in this relationship. So that's something to think about that, you know, I'll repeat that. That we create what we fear the most. So she didn't want to be abandoned, but being more of like a mother in the relationship or addressing and confronting things too much pushed him away. She felt bad, it became too painful, and then she had to leave, which was the best thing for her.

But she end up being alone anyways. And when you're in a relationship with someone who's not fully in recovery or it's too much for them to deal with their own issues and to be there for you, you really are alone. Right. Because you're not getting that love and support that you need. So again, there's so much Gray here.

It is not black and white by any means. So that's the first thing I would say. If you're married to someone and they're getting into recovery, which is wonderful, being married is different. We have more of a commitment. Right.

It's not like, okay, I'm just going to leave, get divorced in a story like you might have children. There's a lot that goes into that. So I would just say the difference between dating someone and just starting to love somebody is for you to really look and say, is this a life that I want long term? Can I support this? Are we both committed to going forward and being the best we can be?

If not, maybe I need to move on. If you're married, then I would just repeat what I said is that get into some kind of help for yourself as well and hold your partner accountable for their own recovery, but make them accountable that they really are going to be in recovery and do whatever they need to do to be sober so that you guys can have a life together going forward. So that's what I would suggest. And when you have time and the person has some sobriety under their belts and more stability, probably going to someeral therapy will be really helpful. Just talking about there's probably some past hurts, possibly trust issues like she mentioned, how can we communicate healthy?

We haven't had a healthy relationship. So that would be a lot of my questions if I was to meet with her in person or anybody that I would want to ask. And those would be my thoughts and my concerns about going forward with the relationship. And why are you in it? A lot of people, I hear lots of people that I've met with say, oh, he or she has such great potential, or I remember what they were like when we first started dating and they're waiting for that potential to come back.

And I'm like I tell people, don't hold your breath for potential. Everyone's got good potential. Okay? I don't believe anybody wants to be an alcoholic or addict. I do not believe that that is a place people find themselves in.

That that was not the plan. It's a very painful place to be. So it takes a lot of work to get healthy. Right. But that potential, it might not come.

I don't know. And it's not your job to wait. And it's not like you owe someone a year of your life to see if they can get better. Like, you need to decide what's best for you. Now, sometimes breaking up is what's best.

And once that person has more recovery and they're doing well, if you guys want to work it out, then you can work it out. So you really need to think about a lot of things and how this going to affect your life. So she was sharing just to go back to email for a minute, you know, after a year, there was so much both up stress and pain that she couldn't take it anymore.

And I'm glad that she got to a place where she found herself worth, even if it was a little bit I have said this before, it's got a little bit of self esteem left. You need to run with it before you lose all of it, because that's what I think helped her take that step to go find some therapy to whatever I said, for her to hear it and believe it is what made a difference for her, which is really life changing. Obviously, I was really glad that she acknowledged that even though he was going through a lot, she still had her needs and he consistently dismissed them because he was so wrapped up in what he was going through. And again, I can understand that. That's why sometimes people need some space that if someone's really going through recovery initially, they're not going to probably be able to give a whole lot.

It's just all consuming at the beginning to stop drinking or taking drugs or getting off of prescription medicine or whatever the addiction is, that you have to be able to probably hold your own space and feel good enough that saying I can give my partner the space and support him or her and know that all my needs won't get met. But there's an expectation at some point that it's going to be more of an equal relationship. So that's something to keep in mind as well. So again, it's such a personal case by case that again, what I'm saying is lots of shades of Gray. So I'm not saying to leave someone you're with or to get back with someone you're with.

You really need to look at the bigger picture and see what everybody's intentions are and your level of emotional health to be able to deal with these changes again. Luckily, things worked out for me and my husband again. He's been in recovery for years. He's still part of the program. He still gives back.

And it's been a really good foundation for him and for our marriage as well. So there's lots and lots of miracles out there. Lots of things work out great, but each person has to look at their own parts. And as she said, she wasn't the best girlfriend. She doesn't feel proud of the anger that she felt when she found alcohol stash in the apartment.

But, you know, in lashing out. But I understand that that, you know, we react off our moods, right? That's part of our issue. We feel something and then we react. And when we're angry, the emotions underlying that tend to be feeling hurt, frustrated, scared.

And I'm sure she felt all those things. You find the alcohol, it's scary. He's still drinking, you're frustrated, still drinking. Whatever lies went along with that and really hurt because you feel like you're not important, because they're not staying sober, and it's easy to make it about ourselves. So you're yelling, they're trying to deal with their addiction.

I mean, it's a lot to manage. And if you don't have healthy communication and know how to deal with this, and if you don't understand addiction, it can be very personal and very hurtful. And that's why it's so hard to walk through this if you really don't have the knowledge or support that you need. So having to walk through the resentment, the anger, he called her insane. Again, this is all just do all the fighting.

That obviously that's what she needed. And again, she hit her bottom to decide, like, I need to move forward. She found a therapist. She knew she needed support. And even though she's heartbroken, the fact that she sees a way forward means that she knows that there's help.

And I hope that in her therapy, she'll explore, why was she in this relationship? Was there some codependency going on? Did she think she could fix him? What were the issues that kept her there that long? Because every day things are probably happening.

Every day things happen in our relationship. I just said to client recently, we were talking about his marriage. And I said, if you want something to last forever, you need to work on it forever. And I know a lot of people are like, oh, I got to work on it forever. I know work doesn't know work isn't the best word.

I don't have a better one for the moment, but working is just being mindful. What can I do today to be the best partner I can be? What can I do today to be there for myself? So sometimes being the best partner is taking care of you. It's not just that you're doing something for your partner, but saying to yourself, what can I do?

Today to be the best wife or girlfriend or husband or boyfriend that I can be. It might be just a little, hey, have a nice day. How was your day? Maybe you do the dishes, do a little errand. Are you making dinner?

It doesn't have to be these big things. It could just be the little stuff that we feel acknowledged by our partners. Right. Or that when you're taking good care of yourself, whatever that looks like for you, that's going to help you be a better partner because you're taking care of your emotional and physical health. And that's all that's self care.

Right. It's not selfish. It's self care which allows you to be the best you can be and obviously a better partner. Right. So I know there's a lot that we can do and a lot of choices we have, and we have to be responsible for our own mental health.

It's not our partner's responsibility to make us happy. We want to be happy. And our partner adds to that. I always say it's like cherry on the cupcake, right? That I'm happy, I manage my emotions, I manage my anxiety, I manage my worries, and my partner's there to help me and support me.

But my partner cannot manage my anxiety. And that's what happens in a lot of relationships as partners are managing each other's emotions. And that's that codependency. And that's just not healthy, because if you're managing your partner's emotions, then they're not managing them. Right.

And that's exhausting. And they need to learn how to figure out what they're thinking, which is making them feel the way they're feeling, which affects their behaviors and their physical reactions. Right there's, our CBT right there. And then obviously the environment is the relationship you're in. Right.

And your home and everybody else that's in your life. So I hope this gives some clarity. And I hope I answered all the questions in her email. I know when I responded back, I didn't address every single question, so I thought this would be a good opportunity to talk about this is real life and how CBT comes into play that she obviously had some thoughts. Just looking for a podcast was like, I need some help.

I can't do this alone. I feel horrible. And if I'm sobbing uncontrollably for a week now, I obviously have some issues that I have to look at. So the thinking, right is I need some help because I'm depressed. Caused the behavior to find the podcast.

It resonated with her, thank goodness. And then another behavior was she picked up a phone and she found a therapist and made an appointment, and she showed up. Just showing up is the first step. You got to do the work. Just showing up is the first step.

But that's not enough. You really got to take suggestion again. My clients, we use the Mind Over Mood book and some other books, and they're doing the work and when we get on, we start our session. My first question is I ask about the homework. What did you get done?

I ask for different scales and scores my clients are doing to monitor their progress. You know, that's my first question. I start with because I'm really wanting them to get in the habit of doing the work and learning the CBT tools so they can get better quick. It doesn't take long, you guys. If you put the time in, you can really have a quick shift.

And something happened here for my emailer that there was a shift and she took some big significant steps. And even though she feels heartbroken, right, she's not acting on it. She's not doing the mood behavior like, I'm heartbroken. I'm just going to go back or I'm heartbroken or believe that she isn't saying because she's not. And of course he said that just out of anger and his own pain, but she didn't believe that, which was important.

And she knew like, yeah, I need to get help, but I'm not insane. I'm actually really strong because I'm able to step outside of and say, this isn't working and it's really not good for either of them. She wasn't helping him at that point either. Right. So if I can honor and respect myself, I will bring people into my life that will honor and respect me.

And I need to be mindful. And I need to realize, what am I thinking about myself that gives me permission to take care of myself? Or what am I thinking about myself. It gives me permission to stay in a toxic, unhealthy relationship. And it's never your job to fix anybody, ever.

That's not your job. Your job is to, quote, fix yourself and work on you. And that energy and that healthiness again will bring people into your life. So I want to just review a few of the podcasts on top of my head that might be helpful to relate to this email in this podcast is my podcast on core beliefs. I believe the other one about my husband recovery is called The Surprise Blessing.

I know I have one on honoring yourself. Those are some that you can get started with to understand what do I need to do in this relationship and to understand about addiction as well. And I know I have some other ones on it. Family members with substance abuse or growing up as a child, adult child of alcoholics. So again, I have a lot of podcasts out there that interweave with this podcast to address some other important issues that I hope might be helpful.

And we always have our foundation of our CBT. Whenever I have a negative mood, what am I thinking about? I got to figure out why. Am I feeling desperate, scared, afraid to be alone? What's that fear about?

What are my thoughts? I can't handle being alone. I'll just crumble being alone. I'll be too depressed. Things like that.

Those thoughts are your hot thoughts, right? Your thoughts that aren't 100% true and to start challenging them and then also building your community of support. So when you're having a weak moment and you want to call that person or go back, you have other people to call that can help walk you through that and get you kind of on staple ground again. So I hope this was helpful. I'm going to end by just sharing my reply that I sent after I got this email so I just said thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story.

It was heartfelt and brought tears to my eyes. I've been in your shoes having to leave someone who is so unhealthy for my own mental health. You're courageous and so brave. I'm honored to know my podcasts have been so helpful. Keep moving forward one day at a time and you'll find love and happiness again because you're learning to love yourself and I say that to all of you that are listening, take it one day at a time, love yourself.

The happiness will come from that because it starts with each of us loving and caring for ourselves and having self respect so that others will treat us that way as well.

So that's it for today. I hope this was helpful for you. If you have any questions you can always reach me at mycbtpodcast@gmail.com you can follow me on Instagram at my CBT podcast on Facebook under Dr. Julie Osborne and my website is mycognitive behavioralthey.com. I have a bunch of videos and newsletters and lots of good information on there as well as my office number and I love hearing from you guys.

I'm honored whenever I get an email that you took the time and regarding finding the Mind Over Mood book by Dr. Greenberger and Dr. Pedesty. Once you click on the podcast here and you see the transcription, if you scroll down a little bit you'll see section where you can just click on the Mind Over Mood book and it'll take you to Amazon and you can buy it so you know that you're getting the right one and using the book helps you kind of get more in depth about the CBT and how it can be helpful and how you can use it in your life.

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Take care.