How To Recognize Emotional Manipulation

We’ve all been manipulated by other people, and it’s likely that we’ve done a bit of manipulation ourselves.

Telling a white lie in order to get what we want is one way of manipulating someone. Students are notorious for telling teachers that they couldn’t get their paper in on time because their computer crashed last night. Employees claim to have car trouble in order to miss a day of work. Politicians inflate a problem or make misleading statements in order to gain public support for their agendas.

When we manipulate other people, we deprive them of their integrity and their ability to make decisions based on their own accurate reading of reality.

When we tell a lie, we provide an alternate reality to the other person – and they make decisions that may be to our advantage, but it may not be a decision they would make if they knew all the facts.

Manipulation shows disrespect to the other person – but ultimately we are disrespecting ourselves and compromising our own integrity when we manipulate others. We give ourselves the illusion of control, but it’s hardly a feeling of control that we can be proud of. Even if nobody ever finds out about it, we know that we got ahead by taking from another person. We deprive ourselves of the knowledge that our accomplishments in life are based on our own resourcefulness.

Most of us want to trust and assume the best of other people. We believe that when someone tells
us something, the other person is telling the truth. When we have been repeatedly hurt because others have taken advantage of our trust, we may change our beliefs about the world. We may become cynical and try to undermine others before we are hurt yet again. The best strategy is probably to trust until someone shows us that they can’t be trusted. Then, hopefully, we can learn how to recognize emotional manipulation when it appears.

Recognizing Emotional Manipulation

Many of us don’t recognize manipulation when it occurs, mainly because manipulation violates our basic assumptions about how people should behave. We simply don’t expect it. Manipulators engage in “covert aggression.” They hide their anger toward the world in subtle ways and gain power over us in ways that are not obvious.

– We may sense, however, that we are on the defensive in their presence – and this serves as our first clue. We feel somehow that they are trying to overpower us.

– They come across as caring, hurting, defending, vulnerable – almost anything but fighting – and these tactics obscure their real motives. You might pay attention to your need to take care of them, but you don’t recognize that they are trying to take advantage of you. Eg. “I care so much about you and now I’ve twisted my ankle. Can’t you give up your afternoon to drive me around?”

– All of us have weaknesses or insecurities, and sometimes we are aware of them, but we don’t expect that someone will take advantage of our vulnerabilities. We sometimes have the need to please others so that we’ll be accepted – and this trait can be spotted easily by an emotional manipulator. They sometimes know our vulnerable areas better than we do, and they exploit them to their advantage.

– Be aware of the degree to which you have empathy toward others and how much you might hate to make harsh judgments about other people. If you are overly trusting, you are vulnerable to being manipulated. The healthy stance is to learn how to recognize manipulation readily. You cannot be manipulated if you are aware that it is happening – at the moment it happens.

Take a look at some common examples of how manipulators work:

Emotional manipulators turn your statements around and make you the problem.

Trying to be honest with the manipulator opens up your vulnerability. He or she is an expert at playing the game of “blame the victim.”

For example, if you say, “I really wish you had taken a dish to the potluck, and I feel embarrassed that you didn’t,” the manipulator might respond with, “I wish you could understand the pain I’m suffering right now – and have been for some time – but then I guess your life is so happy that you can’t really feel empathy for someone else. So, sorry.”

They’ll say one thing and later assure you that they didn’t say it.

“I’ll pay for half the groceries this time,” and then later the manipulator comes back with, “I never said any such thing.” This is a crazy-making experience because your sense of reality is challenged. The manipulator offers such a convincing argument that they had never promised to pay for half the groceries that you begin to doubt your own sanity.

The manipulator will offer to help you, but then the torrent of sighs begins.

“Yes, yes, (sigh) I’ll take out the garbage.” You feel that you are the one to blame, as if you’re trying to control the manipulator. Again, you are considered the problem.

The manipulating person will set a negative emotional tone in a group and others feel compelled to make the manipulator feel better just to ease the tension.

“John, if Keira can’t drive you to the dentist tomorrow, I’ll do it. Here, have a cup of coffee. Now do you feel better?” Notice how we tend to enable the manipulator, rewarding him or her for the controlling behavior.

Manipulators don’t fight fairly.

They might talk behind your back and encourage others to confront you – and then they come in to save the day, placing the blame on the other people.

Manipulators don’t deal with issues directly. They use passive-aggressive tactics so that you don’t realize that they are actually being aggressive toward you, eg “I love your hair that color. It does a nice job of hiding the gray.”

You respond graciously to the compliment, but are then left with the lingering feeling that something is not quite right.

They negate what you say by outdoing you.

If you want to talk about what a rough day you’ve had, they’ll come back with an account of their exceedingly brutal day, which makes your experience look like a day in the park. Eg. “Well, if you think that’s bad, listen to what I’ve been through today.”

They bring attention back to themselves so that you find it difficult to feel any degree of validation. This is how emotional manipulators distance themselves from you and gain the upper hand. They lack the ability to relate to others with healthy boundaries and maturity.

Emotional manipulators are experts at playing on your emotions.

If they sense that you respond easily to guilt, then they will try to make you feel guilty (“I feel embarrassed for you when you play with Dora’s kids as if they were your own – and it’s all because you’ve never had children”).

Manipulators also play on our sympathy by playing the role of victim, eg. “All I do is work, work, work – You’ll be sorry when I have a heart attack”.

Or they might blame you for your anger, even though they have induced it, eg. “Look, you’re the one who can’t control your emotions, not me”.

Emotional manipulators have difficulty in expressing their desires or emotions directly, but by playing on the emotions of other people they covertly get their way.

Manipulators project blame onto other people or circumstances.

They fail to take the responsible path of believing that they are accountable for their own lives. Their focus is on what others have done to them, and they are forever the victim, eg. “My father was the first one to treat me badly, just as every man has done since.'“

How can you deal with an emotional manipulator? Listen to the podcast episode or click over to our blogpost.