2 More Secrets To Successful Relationships
If only relationships came with an Owner’s Manual! When conflict arises, what can you do to improve your relationship, even if you’re the only one willing to work on it (for now)?
Here are two tools that have seen consistent positive results, even if only one partner applies them:
1 Relax Your Definitions of the Power Struggle
When we are involved in a relationship conflict we often resort to all-or-nothing thinking, and it is difficult to think outside of this box – “I am right and my partner is wrong.”
The more you insist on your point of view, the more your partner defends his or her position. The two opposing ways of thinking become entrenched.
It is helpful to defuse the situation by trying to develop empathy for your partner’s point of view and by relaxing the sense of urgency you have about your own views.
The following thoughts can help to increase the flexibility of your thinking:
My partner is just being herself.
She means no harm.
She’s trying to do her best.
I need to appreciate her just the way she is.
I need to stop trying to change her or to convince her that I am right.
When you try to get your partner to see things the way you do, you are actually searching for love and closeness. You want complete support, a partner who can affirm your way of thinking.
Understand, though, that this is exactly what your partner is searching for too. Try to empathize with your partner’s view, and this can open the door to the closeness you want.
You may feel an urgency or anxiety about asserting your own view. You don’t have to abandon your views, but you can work on the anxiety you feel about affirming your views. It helps to take a live-and-let-live approach to your struggle.
Relax and trust that things will work out well. And they often do.
2 Ask Your Partner To Help You Solve The Problem
Rather than blaming your partner and creating an air of defensiveness, try reframing the problem.
Make it clear that you are the one having the difficulty, and ask for your partner’s help in solving your problem.
For example, instead of blaming your partner for spending too much money, it might be more helpful to find a good time to have a talk about how you feel very vulnerable financially – and then enlist your partner’s support in finding ways for you to feel more financially secure.
You will find that taking ownership of the problem yourself can bring you much more support and closeness within the relationship.
You can help create the conditions where your partner has an opportunity to rise to the occasion rather than feel blamed because your needs are not being met.
Working alone on your relationship means working on yourself. By making a shift in how you define your own sense of self, thoughts and feelings, you can help create the conditions which bring your relationship into a state of mutual harmony, support and love.
A trained professional therapist can help you identify and modify patterns in the way you approach your relationship. The rewards can be immeasurable – for both you and your partner.