Episode #170

Motives & CBT

Our motives directly impact how we react to and process various situations. Learning to assess your own motives is a powerful tool in your CBT journey.

How can you assess what your motives are?

How can you challenge these when necessary?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as we discuss identifying your motives and how to use cognitive-behavioral therapy tools to make adjustments.

Click to listen now!

 
 

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, and welcome to My CBT Podcast. This is Dr. Julie. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in cognitive-behavioral therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

Thanks for joining me today. I hope everybody's doing well. Happy Halloween! I hope you're all having some fun and getting dressed up and feeling like a child again.

So today, I had a couple of announcements before I started my podcast. So I wanted to share with you guys that on my website, where you can go to mycognitivebehaviouraltherapy.com, I am having a sale on my mugs. Those seem to be the best sellers. So If you're interested, you can get 30% off. And I'm also going to have my store just for probably another four or five months. So if there's anything else on there, all of my merchandise says my mantra, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel. A lot of fun stuff. It might be gifts for yourself or someone else. So just wanted to share that with you. And like I said, when you go to the website and click Store, you'll get there and you'll see the mugs are the first thing and it says 30% off and all that good stuff. So I know a lot of people have enjoyed them, and I just wanted to put that shout out, especially with the holidays coming up. Maybe you'll find something for yourself. And it's a nice reminder of my mantra to remember each day, again, for you to make decisions based on what's best you, not how you feel.

So my other announcement I wanted to share is, if you guys recall a few podcasts ago, I did one on the Five Secrets of Effective Communication that was created by Dr. David Burns. So there's a couple of other therapists that are doing a group specifically for that. And I always love giving you guys resources to dive deeper into the CBT tools. And so I just wanted to share that there's a six-week online group with Dr. Heather Klag and Brandon Vance, and they take you into a deep dive into each of the five secrets of effective communication to help you decrease conflict and increase fulfillment in your relationships at work and at home. So using Dr. Burns' powerful tools, you're going to learn to pinpoint your role in relationship stuckness and empower yourself to change the dynamic in the relationship.

Each group has a maximum of eight participants, so you're going to get plenty of time to hone your skills with real-time feedback and practice, practice, practice. So Brandon's next group starts Wednesday, November fifth, and it's from 12: 00 to 1: 30 Pacific Time. And Heather's starts Monday, January 26th, and hers is from 4: 00 to 5: 30 PM Pacific Time. And they also have a sliding scale, which is super cool. So if you're interested, go to feelinggreattherapycenter. Com/5 secret. And you can get all the information there. If for some reason you're having a hard time finding that, you can always reach out to me and I will give you some information. We can go over that again. But if you're really interested, it's really an excellent opportunity to get some one-on-one practice and tools and really understand each step. I know I've told you guys it's a game changer when it comes to communication, when you can use the five steps of effective communication. If you haven't listened to my podcast, you can go back. Again, it's about a month or so ago, and listen to that. That might give you a feel for it's something if you want to learn more.

And you can check out and work with Heather and Brandon. They're both very, very skilled team CBT therapists. So I just wanted to support them and share that with you guys.

So I'm talking today about assessing your motives, which I think is a really important thing. And in cognitive behavioral therapy, assessing your motives is about becoming consciously aware of why you are doing or wanting something, not just what you are doing. What are my motives? I ask a lot of people that. I ask myself that when I'm having to make a decision. What are my motives here instead of just reacting to how I'm feeling, which is something we do not want to do. And it matters because our motives directly affect how we interpret situations. So for example, your thought might be, I want approval, versus, I want to be authentic. These two things can create two totally different realities. It also directly affects how much anxiety, resentment, or regret you're going to end up with based on a situation, how you react to it. It also affects whether you're acting from fear versus personal values. That's really important. It also affects if we're reinforcing an unhealthy core belief without realizing it.

As you guys know, I talk about core beliefs a lot, and I have a podcast on that as well. When we have a negative core belief that we haven't changed, we tend to do behaviors that just reinforce it without even realizing it. This is why assessing your motives is important. How we interpret situations, how much anxiety, resentment, regret we end up with, whether we're acting from fear versus our personal values, and if we're reinforcing unhealthy core belief without realizing it. So just one of those is worth taking a moment to ask yourself, what are my motives in making this decision, in acting this way? And all four of them are super important, right? So let's do a quick cognitive behavioral check regarding what your motive is behind a particular behavior. So I'm going to give you a question, and then I'm going to share with you what that would reveal. And then this is something you can see if you get connected with anything I'm sharing here. But I think they'll all be really helpful. I find them helpful. Again, I check in with myself all the time as well. So the first question to ask yourself is, if nobody knew I did this, would I still want to?

And this helps reveal if if your motive is seeking external validation or it's genuine. Kind of like when you hear somebody gives an anonymous donation to a cause, right? They might give, you've seen a million dollars and they don't put their name down, that's coming from something very genuine, right? Versus wanting the external validation. So again, the question is, if nobody knew I did this, would I still want to? The next question is, am I trying to move towards something meaningful or just away from discomfort? This is going to reveal if your motive is value-driven, based on your values, or anxiety-driven. The next question is, would I be okay if the outcome didn't go my way? What that would reveal regarding your motive is, are you focused on attachment? Feeling good, being connected to something because you're anxious, or would it be grounded acceptance? That even if it doesn't come out of my way, am I still okay with it? Because I really need to accept the situation? Another question is, am I acting from fear of rejection, guilt, or obligation. And this would reveal if you're people-pleasing and trying to win others' favor. And reacting off of your mood.

So am I acting from fear of rejection, guilt, or obligation? What is it that is important to me? If it's fear of rejection or guilt, I'm probably not going to make a good decision. And that's where the people-pleasing comes from. I'm not going to do it just to make others happy. Or do I feel obligated to address the situation? And that comes from a better place. Another important question is, does this align with my long-term values or just fix a short-term emotion? This is going to reveal what your values are versus an emotional impulse, which, again, is not a good thing. Those are the questions you could start asking yourself when you're in a situation, and it's going to help you again reveal what are my motives. Is it coming from a good place or not a good place? And how can I get to that healthier place and be more mindful of the choices I'm making so I can feel good? So I'm going to give you a scenario to make it a little more specific to understand what we're looking for. So say you're in a relationship and your partner seems distant, and you feel a push to send a long emotional text and say, Are you mad at me?

I think we're all guilty of doing that sometimes, right? And so instead of just reacting, right? Because I'm wanting you guys to pause and breathe before you make decisions, right? To ask yourself, Okay, what's my motive right now that I want to send this long emotional text, right? Or even just go ask, Are you mad at me? What's going on with that? A possible motive might be that you want reassurance right now because you feel anxious. What could that hidden core belief be for you regarding this? It might be that someone pulls away, it means I'm losing them. It's going to come from anxiety. The consequence is you may text in a dysregulated way where your emotions are all over the place. And even if they reassure you, it only reinforces your dependency on that person, not to make them, but to have them make you feel better. So it's not really resolving anything. So the motive I'm going to say, Are you mad at me? I'm wanting reassurance because I feel anxious, versus figuring out what's really going on. I feel some distance. I want to talk this through. I'm going to go through this one one more time, and I have some other examples for you.

So if you want to assurance because you're feeling anxious, and that's why you're going to the person going, Are you mad at me? Or sending this, like I said, this long emotional text, which you really don't want to do, if you can avoid, because text... I've had too many people come in my office and say, Oh, I need a I read you all these text. And I listen, but I don't know the tone. I don't know anything on that other side, and it can really be taken out of context. So if you can actually talk with the person, I think you're always going to have a better outcome. So again, if you want to reassurance, the core belief that could be getting triggered is your belief that if someone pulls away, it means I'm losing them. Pretty extreme, but that's the way we think, right? Coming from anxiety. And again, the consequences, you may text in a very dysregulated way. And even if they reassure you, it only reinforces the dependency. So you really haven't gotten anywhere. What if they say to you like, No, I'm fine. Okay, I still feel anxious. I'm still uncomfortable.

I didn't really get anywhere. So let me give you another example. So your possible motive might be, I want to repair because I actually sense something might be wrong and I connection. So the hidden core belief could be that you believe healthy relationships involve honesty. This is coming from your values, and the outcome may be that you gently check in and leave some space which builds safety and trust. You can feel it comes from a very different place. I'm in a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships involved being honest. I'm going to be honest. This is a value that I have. It's not coming from a feeling. I gently check in. I'm not aggressive. What's wrong? Are you mad of me? Just saying, Hey, is something wrong? I'm not feeling... I feel a little tension or I don't feel it's connected to you. Let my partner have a little space. And again, this builds some safety and trust. So that's a much healthier way to go about it. Another possible motive in checking in might be that I want to say something before they pull away first. So your underlying core belief could be that people always abandon me first.

This is coming from fear. And you might become defensive, cold, or passive-aggressive, creating the very distance you fear. So this isn't coming from the healthy place. This is fear-driven, fear of abandonment. I've met lots of people say, Oh, yeah, I break up with people before they can break up with I'm like, Well, how do you know they're even going to break up with you? Oh, it always happens. So it's a way of trying to protect yourself. But again, you end up creating what you fear the most, which is being abandoned because you're just pushing people away. So if you're telling yourself that I'm going to say something before they pull away first. Check in. What's that core fear? Is that people always abandon me first? And what's the feeling that this is coming from? And it's based on fear. And you know, you don't make decisions based on how you feel. And if you do this, it's going to come across really negatively and push them away. I'm going to give you one more. I'm hoping if I give you enough that some of these will resonate with you. So the last one would be, the motive would be, I want to present as unbothered so I don't look needy.

That makes me feel sad when I say that out loud, right? That you're not in this relationship where you feel that trust and feel that worthiness to be able to check in. So if I want to present as unbothered so I don't look needy, my belief is that needing closeness makes me weak. This is actually driven by your ego. And what you're doing is you're suppressing yourself, you're becoming emotion unavailable, and the tension is going to grow silently. Like, Oh, we're distant right now, but I don't really care. Well, if you don't care, then why are you in the relationship? And that's not true, right? You're putting this facade out there because you're scared to be vulnerable. And it probably isn't really coming from your partner. You got to remember, these are beliefs you have that you're projecting into your relationship, right? What are my motives? Why am I going to pretend like I'm not bothered? Because I think it me look weak. Now my ego is in the way, and I'm not going to get close to my partner, which is actually what I want. Your motive of pulling away first is another way to protect yourself because you think People always abandon you first, so you're not going to give them the chance.

Well, you're never going to be in a long term relationship if you're always leaving. And that's based on fear. It comes out in a really defensive, cold, unloving way. And you end up with distance, which then you can say, Oh, see, people are going to abandon me. I don't have it. So again, when I tell people we end up creating what we fear the most, this is exactly what I'm talking about. And that's why it's so important to take a and checking, what are my motives and how I'm handling this? It's okay to be nervous, to be vulnerable, right? That's normal. Being vulnerable is difficult. But if you can walk through that and say, why am I vulnerable? What are my thoughts? What are my core beliefs that are getting in the way and creating these negative motives about how I'm going to address something? That's what I want to walk through, right? I'd love you to go to your partner and say, I'm feeling really vulnerable, but I'm feeling like there's a little distance or some tension. Can we talk about that? I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. I know I'm taking it personal.

I tend to do that. Did I do something upset you? You have something else on your mind. So You're not accusing your partner of making you feel bad. You're owning all of it. And your motives there would be to get closer, to be vulnerable, to build trust. It's coming from a loving place. It's all good. And if you're in a decent relationship, then I think your partner is going to respond really well, and it's really going to help you grow, which is what we all want. We want to grow and get closer and feel more comfortable and build more trust. So we have to work on changing our negative core beliefs. But I always say about 80/20, meaning 80% is us, 20 %, our partner can be there to support us and help us and show us that, You know what? If I am vulnerable, if I am open, I won't be abandoned. I can trust this person. They will be close to me. All of those things. They're not going to leave me first. I don't look needy. It's not weak being close. That's what I desire. There's tons of layers here, I know.

But again, I'm just wanting to... Here's the example. What's the hidden core belief? What's the emotion that comes out of this or underlying it? And what's really the consequence of not having good motives and not taking time to see that. Another little CBT insight I want to give you is the same behavior can come from completely different motives and produce very different outcomes. The same behavior can come from completely different motives and produce very different outcomes. The question to ask yourself is, am I moving from love and my own grounded values right now? Or am I coming from fear, panic, or trying to protect my own ego? And how to break it down in real-time, these are really great questions. You guys might want to write these ones down because I think these are very grounding. So before you act, you want to ask yourself, if I knew I was safe and worthy, would I still do this? Am I trying to connect or just calm my own anxiety? Is this action aligned with my values or with my fear response? If they didn't respond the way I wanted, would I be okay? If the answer is no to any of these, that's a sign that your motive is fear-based and you're about to reinforce a painful pattern.

And that's what we want to change here together. So ask yourself these questions is going to give you that insight to say, Oh, maybe my motive is not coming from a good place. How can I change that? I want to have good motives to address this situation. And when I ask myself these questions, it does really ground me and I'm able to pause and breathe and say, Let me think this through. Why am I doing this? And a lot of times I'm just like, I ain't doing that. I'm going to let it go. Or maybe it's a situation that isn't super important. It's bugging me, but it's better to just leave it where it's at and give it some time until maybe I can get into a better place. Maybe there's times I'm just too angry at a situation that I'm like, I just need to give myself time to process this, really figure out my thoughts, my hot thoughts, do I have some core belief stuff going on here that's getting in the way? Why do I want to prove them wrong or why do I feel like I need to make sure they understand where I'm coming from?

In the big picture of my day or my life, how important is this? So giving yourself time to walk through it, write it down on paper, maybe talk to someone you trust, be like, Yeah, I don't have good motives. I am fearful. I am anxious. I am angry. Or my ego got hurt. And that's not where I want to come from. Because if I want to live by my values, I want my motives to be good, and I want there to be some progress, and I want there to be good outcome instead of negative consequences. That's really important. I'm going to say these just one more time because I just think they're very important questions to ask yourself. So the first one is, if I knew I was safe and worthy, would I still do this? I love that one because that's coming from a very centered place. The second one is, am I trying to connect or am I just trying to calm my own anxiety? That's the example I gave you. It's like, Are you mad at me? Are you really trying to connect and see what's going on, or do you just want to feel better?

The next one is, is this action aligned with my values or with my fear response? Do I feel really strong that this is a value that I need to honor? I need to honor myself? I need to address this? Or am I feeling fearful? If I'm feeling fearful, I want you to ask yourself, what thoughts do you have that's causing this fear response that you You need to go say to the person, Are you mad at me? And the last one is, If they didn't respond the way I wanted, would I be okay? And that's really what being assertive is all about, right? We have being passive being assertive, being passive-aggressive, and aggressive. So being assertive, I tell people, is that you're expressing how you think and feel, but you're not trying to change the person's opinion. You're just trying to communicate and get that across. So I'm okay if you don't respond the way I need you to, but I needed to express how I was feeling. So I can be okay, and I can walk away, and I can go get a good night's sleep, or I can go do whatever I need to do right now and not be all wrapped up in what you're thinking, how I'm feeling, and what might happen, and going down that rabbit hole and not getting anywhere.

So these are some really good grounding questions to ask yourself, right? Regarding the question, am I moving from love and grounded values right now or from fear, panic, or to protect my ego? And as I said earlier, any of these questions I just asked, if you said, No, I wouldn't do this, or I'm not doing this to connect. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Or, I'm not acting based on my values. I'm just in fear right now. So if you said no, that's a sign that your motive is fear-based and you're about to reinforce a painful pattern. And when we reinforce patterns, we reinforce patterns, and we just repeat, repeat, repeat, and we create a stronger negative core belief, which is what we're trying to work away from. That if my core belief is that I'm not good enough, then that's going to keep me from being authentic, being vulnerable, getting closer to my partner. If I don't think I'm good enough, I'm not going to bring up issues. I'm going to be fear-based. I'm going to be a people-pleaser. All the things that I mentioned today. So instead of reacting to things, I always want you to ask yourself, What am I thinking about?

But also this is another question you could add is, what's my motive in addressing this situation? Even if it's uncomfortable, it doesn't mean you don't have good motives. It's just like, Yeah, I'm a little uncomfortable. I'm feeling a little I don't know what the answer is going to be. I don't know what the outcome will be. But that's okay. So it's not about, Oh, I feel confident, period. It's, Yeah, I have all these feelings, but I'm coming from a good place based on my values and based on my worth. And say, What is my motive? And I think I find it very helpful to be able to talk to others sometimes when I'm conflicted, and I'm not even really sure what my motive is because I'm too probably wrapped up in my emotions. So talking to your your best friend, your therapist, of course, and say, what's my motive? What's my intention in acting this way, in being in this relationship? In handling this situation. So I know I talked a lot about a relationship, but this is in all areas of your life, right? At work, friends, your kids, any relationship, any environment we're always reacting to, positive and negative.

And I want it be coming from a place of value that's important to me. And then that will really come across to others. And when we respect ourselves and honor ourselves, people are going to respect us more because that's what we put out, and what we put out, we get back. So I hope this got you thinking a little differently. I was excited to share it, to be honest with you. I thought this is something I always ask myself. I haven't talked about yet. And I thought, I want everybody else to start thinking about this, too, and ask yourself, what's your motive? There's many different ways to use your cognitive behavioral therapy tools, and that's another reason why I love it. It's not just one thing. And I talk about hot thoughts all the time because that's a go-to, to figure out what we're thinking, of course. But then we have the behavioral part, which this feeds into regarding my is, what am I going to do? What am I thinking? But all the layers of core beliefs and your values. And again, am I making decisions based on how I feel versus what's best for me?

So you can use this in many, many different ways. And I Hope you really found it helpful and thought-provoking. And please share this with others. This might be a really good podcast to listen with someone you're having a conflict with. And then you guys can talk about it afterwards and be like, What were your motives? I want to share what my motives were when we had this conflict, and maybe that other person will open up, and it can be a safer place to talk. I've had lots of people in my practice share that they listen to my podcast with their partner or whoever is in their life, and then they talk through it. And it's a really comfortable place because there's me, the third party is like, Oh, Dr. Julie said this. What do you think? The people don't feel like they're being attacked by like, Why did you say this? Or why are you thinking that? It's like, Oh, okay. Remember she said What are your thoughts about that? So it's a really good way to open up conversation. So that's just a suggestion. So I'm just going to finish up with my first question I threw out there to you guys about assessing your motives.

That remember, it is about becoming consciously aware of why you are doing or wanting something, not just what you are doing. So it's the why. And that falls into the behavioral part as well with CBT. And it really does matter because you're important, your relationships are important, you deserve to be happy, you are worthy, you are courageous, you are lovable, and you need to be the first one to start treating yourself that way.

So again, thanks for being with me today. You guys know where you can find me, again, at my website, mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com.

You can also find me on Instagram under MyCBT podcast and Dr. Julia Osborn on Facebook and YouTube.

Please keep sharing your thoughts, your concerns, your questions. I love hearing from you and getting your feedback.

Please hit the subscribe button to make sure you never miss an episode.

And as I mentioned before, if you go to my website or you can go directly to mycbt. Store. That's mycbt. Store. You can go get yourself a mug on sale. It's a bunch of different colors. It's super cute. And some other things, again, grab it while it's here because I'm just going to have it for a few more months.

And also, if you have any questions, again, about the Five Secrets of Effective Communication Group, you can look up their website as well and sign up. I think it'll probably be super helpful. I'll read that to you one more time. It's under feelinggreattherapycenter.com/five-secrets.

And as always, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.