Episode #174

10 CBT Tools for Getting Along Better With People

Sometimes it’s good to back to the basics.

Many of the issues and challenges we face with people could be lessened or improved by applying simple principles for dealing with others.

So today, join me, Dr Julie, as we talk about ten suggestions for getting along better with people.

Click to listen now!

 
 

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, and welcome to My CBT Podcast. This is Dr. Julie. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in cognitive-behavioral therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

Thanks for being with me. I hope everybody's having a good holiday. I'm going to start off with a really nice email I got from a listener, and she said it was okay for me to share it.

So it says,

“Hi, Dr. Julie,

“I just listened to your latest podcast episode, Number 171, Fear and CBT. I wanted to drop you a quick note on how helpful and clear this particular episode was. I make the time to listen to most of your wonderful podcast and get so much out of the episodes. There's usually a nugget or two that I write down in my journal, and these are so helpful to page through as part of my ongoing work and staying current with my CBT tools and strategies. I thought this episode was incredibly empowering and really put such a positive spin on the concept of pushing through difficult circumstances to find the best version of ourselves.

“Who doesn't want to be our best? Really good stuff that especially spoke to me today. I am doing well in using my tools to navigate life's challenges as they come. I feel these days stronger than I ever have and I'm so grateful. My relationship with my mom still pushes me, but I have come to view it as part of my story, an experience of making me who I am today. The fear I have about potentially relapsing and feeling too anxious again is absolutely manageable, and I'm working to embrace it. I know that it exists because I care that much. I hope you are well, and I wish you and your family a beautiful holiday season. Ps, I ordered a mug.

“All the best, Julie.”

Her name's Julie, too! So what a great email, huh? She covers a lot. What I really loved, really loved when she said, My relationship with my mom still pushes me, but I have come to view it as part of my story and experience of making me who I am today. I thought, wow, that is powerful, especially if you guys listen to my other podcast on family estrangement. That is powerful stuff.

So again, thanks, Julie, for listening and sharing and being so articulate. And it's just a wonderful email. And thanks again for letting me share it. So let me tell you, I'm doing this podcast with a really heavy heart. Today is the second night of Hanukah, and as we all know, all over the world, what It happened in Bondi, Australia. And then there was a shooting here in the United States at Brown University. And then there was a horrific murder of Rob Reiner and his wife. And for those of you that don't know Rob Reiner, he's an American icon, not just a great actor and director and all that, but a really great humanitarian. And it's just been very heavy, very heavy. And I'm just praying that all of us can find a better way to deal with our feelings and our thoughts, and now let our anger and fear get the best of us and really stand together regardless of our differences. Hopefully, we can focus more on our similarities. I thought today, because of everything that's going on, that I would try to keep it simple. Like I tell you guys all the time, keep it simple, stay focused, use your tools.

So I'm going to talk about 10 suggestions for getting along better with people because we seem to be having a hard time with that. And just some simple suggestions that you can write down, you can think about, some if you're already doing great, some if not, you could try. But I just want to share that I'm with you, I'm here for you guys. I'm also, like I said, going through a lot of sadness. But where I get my strength is in my community and hearing from you guys and reading other people's posts and talking to friends and family and knowing there's always more love than hate in the world. There's always more goodness versus negativity. I know it doesn't feel like that in moments, and we can all get stuck there, but we have to look at the bigger picture to be able to go forward and be the people we want to be because that's the difference that you can make. So what is the number one? Not that it's the number one, but number one for the 10 suggestions is to guard your tongue and say less than you think. So I've always told you guys, we have 80 to 90,000 thoughts.

We don't have to share them all. Even with people closest to us, we don't have to share everything that goes through our minds. Some things it's okay to keep to ourselves. Some of our hot thoughts, we just need to work through those and be able to move on. So you want to guard your tongue, say less than you think. Really think about what do I want to share? How do I want to say this? How can I use my tools that I'm learning with Cognitive Averal Therapy to say it in a nice way? Number two, make promises sparingly and keep them faithfully. So when you do make a promise, keep your promise. But be sparingly. Don't just promise everybody everything, especially with the holidays. I'll do that for you. I'll bring this to you. I'll come to that party. I'll leave this party and then come there, or I'll drop food off because I have another party. Like, slow down. Keep it simple. You don't have to promise everything. I really want you to take this time of year to focus on you, your self-care, what works for you. You don't have to go to every party you're invited to, or you can if you want to.

What is best for you? My mantra, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel. What promises do you want to make? I'd say, I guess, what promises you want to make to yourself before you make them to anybody else? So really be careful. There's lots of people that just say yes to everything, and then they're overwhelmed and regret it. Number three is never let an opportunity pass to say a kind word. I've seen the saying, I'm not quoting it, but it's be kind because you never know what someone else is going through. And that's so true. We don't know what's going on. A lot of people put on a good face. Might be you, you may smile. What do people say all the time? How are you doing? Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. A lot of times, they're not fine. So if you can say a kind word, it's nice to see you. Oh, that's a pretty sweater you have on. I really appreciate what you did at work today. That was a really great presentation. Or, Thanks for picking up my mail for me, checking on my dog.

Whatever kind words you can say, just little things, little compliments, they really go a long way, really go a long way. So that one has never let an opportunity pass to say a kind word. And it's not just to people we know, but also to strangers. I compliment strangers, right? When I'm out and about. If I like somebody's purse or if they got a cute dog, I'll pet them and ask them how their day is going, things like that. So just putting out that energy, it's that positive energy to the world, can make a big difference. Number four is to be interested in others, their pursuits, work, and families. So be interested. Get curious, they tell people. People don't ask enough questions. I think it... I'm being honest, I have spent time with people in my life that I'm like, They don't ask anything. They have no interest. And I'm always asking questions. I'm just interested. I'm curious, right? Tell me about your work. Tell me your pursuits, your goals, what you're working on, your family. People like to see that people are interested in them. It shows that they care. It shows that they're taking some time.

It's not just a quick like, Oh, hey, how are you? And you move on again, right? So it's not with everybody, but when you're with others and if they ask how you're doing, ask them how they're doing, and ask some specific questions to connect more and get a little closer. It's really a great, really active service to show that you're interested and curious about others. Number five is to be cheerful. Don't dwell on minor aches and small disappointments. It's like a paper cut. If you focus on it too much, it hurts and hurts and hurts when it really doesn't have that much pain. You want to be When I say cheerful, I'm not saying fake, but you don't want to just be focusing on the negative and complaining all the time and having that negative energy. Work through those minor aches and disappointments with your CBT tools. What are your thoughts? How do you want to change how you're thinking? How do you want to have more balanced thoughts so that you can move through them? And being cheerful, I think, is also for yourself. Your energy affects you, the way you talk to yourself, what you tell yourself, the always, the nevers, putting yourself down, not having good self-confidence.

Being positive with yourself and seeing the good in you and giving yourself credit for any wins that you have during the day, that's really important for your mental health. Number six is to keep an open mind, discuss things, but don't always argue, right? You can disagree without being disagreeable, right? Meaning you can say, I'm going to have to agree to disagree with you, but keep it civil. We don't have to get angry. We don't have to yell at each other. We don't have to slam doors. We don't have to walk out. Keep an open mind like, That's interesting why you think that way. I may not agree with you, but I just want to understand where you're coming from, right? So that goes back to number four, which is being interested in others. Keeping an open mind. A lot of people share, it's not easy. It's not easy. I'll even say for me, it's not always easy, that our beliefs are so strong. And when someone else's are very different, it's hard to even be hoping because it's like, well, I don't even want to take the time. These are your hot thoughts or why do I need to know?

I know what I believe and that's what I'm going to do. It's to just understand each other better. And again, it's not about trying to find a way to agree. Is just having a conversation and saying, Okay, this is how I'm going to do my thing, but I can respect how you do your thing, and we can both go our separate ways if we need to, or maybe that's just when we need to change the conversation. But to keep an open mind. When you're closed-minded, you don't grow, you don't learn. And again, understanding can also help you maybe even understand yourself a little better. You might even get stronger in your convictions, or you might say, You know what? I need to read more about that, how I actually think and feel to get the right information because I'm hearing all this other stuff from other people, and I want to be clear about where I'm coming from. So it's an opportunity to really be clear with yourself, understand what your thoughts are, identify your hot thoughts, use your tools. Number seven is discourage gossip. It is destructive. Gossip is... There's really nothing good about gossip.

Gossip is A lot of assumptions, right? We're saying things about others that we don't really know for sure. It's negative. It's usually judgmental. And again, it can be really destructive. And how many of us in our lifetime, I know, I probably back in high school, saying things that I didn't really know that we were true and gossiping and it coming back at you and it's like, that doesn't feel good. So you really want to be mindful of that. If you're around people that gossip, you can always remove yourself. You can always say, Hey, am I really comfortable gossiping about this person? I really don't know that person, or we're making assumptions based on what other people are saying. You can be the bigger person and bring attention to that. If they just want to gossip, because some people just like to do that, you don't have to hang out with them. Number eight is be careful of others' feelings. You want to be mindful about how other people feel. Again, all of these 10 suggestions overlap on some levels. Number one was guard your tongue and say less than you think, which definitely is connected to being careful of others' feelings.

If you know someone, you're close to them, you know they're really sensitive about things, even if you think it's silly or they shouldn't. They shouldn't feel that way. That's a thought we have often. That doesn't mean you're right. That's definitely a half thought. So it's like, Okay, that's how they feel. Can I be supportive on some level? And if not, maybe I won't say anything. But you don't have to tell them how to feel or hurt them in a way that's just not necessary. Our actions, our words can just ruin someone's day, can change their life sometimes. It's very powerful what we say and what we think, right? We really want to be mindful of how we communicate that to others in the world. Number nine, pay no attention to ill-natured remarks about you. For people to say, What you think about me is none of my business, right? And what does that mean? That means you're going to think what you're going to think, and I don't have to take that in. I don't need to know. I don't want to know. Especially because these negative thoughts someone else has about you, it's not my business.

I don't need to know. And you can live so that Nobody will believe anything negative that's out there. I judge people based on their behaviors, not what they tell me. So when I see how people live their life, the choices they make, how they care for others, the words they use, that's how I see that person. That tells me a million things. People can say anything. It doesn't really tell you who they are. So you want to live that way, too. You want to live your life to show the world who you want them to see, your true self, hopefully, right? So people are going to make ill-natured remarks about you. And I've talked before how everyone doesn't like you, and you don't like everyone, and that's okay, and you don't need to. But we don't have to be mean to each other. We don't have to share our mean thoughts, our negative thoughts with somebody else because it doesn't... You're not changing anybody's minds, right? If you tell someone you think they're lazy or they're stupid or they're an idiot, you think they're going to change and get busy? I don't think so. They're just going to say, Well, you're an idiot, too, and go on their way.

You're not going to change their mind when you have ill remarks. And the same for you, right? You're not like, Oh, that's really constructive. I'm really glad that person shared that with me. Maybe I need to change that. That just doesn't happen. It doesn't work. It's not constructive, and it's hurtful. And it doesn't help us get along better with people. So it's not always easy not to pay attention to negative marks about you, but be mindful. If it is bothering you, think about who's the messenger, what's going on with that person. Maybe if it's someone close to you that says something mean. Pause and breathe, don't react. If you feel like it's some conversation you want to get back to and share with them how that hurts your feelings and talk through what's going on, that's great. But take a little bit of time to think that through so when you go back, you can really have a positive conversation. Number 10 is don't be anxious about getting credit. Just do your best and be patient. And what that means is when you do a good deed or if you're working extra hard at work, people get anxious like, Oh, they need to see I did that.

They need to know I did that. I think that when you do your best and you're patient, that will show itself. I always say that more would be revealed, right? When things are going on in your life or something's odd with someone maybe that's in your life or someone you know and you don't have all the answers, I always say, You know what? More would be revealed. And it's so true. It's So true. So when you're getting credit about doing something good, if you feel like you need to address that or bring that up and let somebody know what you did, that's fine. But you don't want it to come from an anxious place like, Oh, I need to have credit. If I'm doing something that I feel good about or I think it's going to benefit the group I'm working with or my family, whatever, I'm doing it because I want to do it and not about getting credit. And if I'm doing my best, I can be comfortable in that place and I can be patient and not worry about who knows what and who's going to get credit. So there's a lot more than just 10 things for getting along better with people.

But I hope these are some things for you can think about and say, Which ones do I like? Which ones if I don't like them? Which ones am I doing? Which ones do I want to practice? And how can that help my world? Maybe that can really bring better energy in my life. Maybe I can start attracting better people in my life if I don't have healthy people in my life, or if I'm repeating negative relationships, or if I'm frustrated at work. What part am I playing in that? Can I go have a conversation with somebody? Do I need to move on, maybe? How is my environment affecting me? We know with CBT, the five elements are your environment, your thoughts, your moods, your behaviors, your physical reactions. We always want to look at our environments. Who am I spending time with? Are these quality people? Are they people that lift me up? Do I benefit from being them? Can I give back to them when I want to? Do I look forward? Do I feel good after I spend time with the people in my life? Or I'm like, Oh, my God, I'm so exhausted.

You all that negativity. I can't handle it. Really think about that because that's going to affect your behavior and how well you do get along with people. When you have a better circle of people in your life, that's going to affect how you are, how you feel, how you express yourself, how you communicate, the things you want to do for others. And when you feel good, when you feel content, and you have some happiness in your life, and you feel like you're working on yourself, it's going to be easier to get along with people. It's It's going to be easier to say kind words. It's going to be easier to make healthy promises to somebody that you can keep that I talked about. It'll be easier to move on from the minor issues in your life and the small disappointments. You can keep an open mind when you feel solid in your belief system and you know who you are, then you don't have to try to change anybody's mind or argue with them. I know who I am. I I'm not here to change you. That's not my role. That's not my purpose. I just know who I am and how I'm going to bring that out into the world.

And I'm not going to talk negatively about other people because that's negative to me. I care about your feelings, and I don't want to be part of making you feel bad or sad or hurt or angry. And I'm not going to take in your negative words towards me or other people that I don't even know. It's interesting. So many of my clients aunants that I talk to are so worried about being judged. And I say, who are these people that are judging you? And usually they're maybe acquaintances. Sometimes they're people they don't even really know. And I'm like, anyone that's going to judge you negatively and They're not important people in your life. The people that are important in your life, like I was saying earlier, are the ones that are loving and caring and lift you up and support you. Those aren't the people that are judging you. And we can't worry about everybody judging us. And then not being worried about taking credit. There's a term called the mitzvah, which means when you do a good deed. And when you do a good deed and nobody even knows about it, that's the best.

Blessed, right? Because you feel good. It's like you hear about people donating a million dollars and it's anonymous because they're not there for taking credit. They just want to give, and they don't even want the recognition, right? That's a real healthy place to be, that's someone doing a good deed, and that's what you want to feel good about. I say, When you go bed at night, you think about today, do I feel good about who I was today, how I treated people? Was I aware of my thoughts and not just reacting off how I feel? How was I of service to somebody else? And I think the holiday season, regardless of what you celebrate or even if you don't celebrate, but it's a time that you can see others coming together and family spending time. And just the gift giving can be a really special thing where it doesn't have to be monetarily, but people just giving their time or baking or just doing something sweet for each other. The holidays tend to bring a lot of that positive feelings towards each other. So just to look around and say, again, who do I want to spend time with?

How do I want to be? How can I give right now? Can I give to others if I have something to give? My time, donations, serving at food banks. Whatever opportunities there are, it's about thinking about maybe others that have less than. It's going to make you feel good. And these are all different ways to get along better with people, but also to feel good about yourself as well. So as I said earlier, I wanted to keep it simple. I hope these suggestions resonate with you on some level. I hope you find them helpful. We all need to be there for each other now more than ever and find ways where you can give back because I'm telling you it'll be worth your time, your energy. We always feel better when we give versus when we receive. It's just the truth. And sometimes people have a hard time thinking that until they do it, and then they're like, Oh, I want to do that again. That felt really good. It's just part of our human nature. And sometimes we get so wrapped up, I think, with our issues and what's going on in our world that we're thinking, Oh, my God, how can I even give to anybody?

But again, it's just maybe saying something nice, just being cheerful, just giving somebody a compliment. That's all it needs to be. It doesn't have to be anything bigger than that. So just start small if you're feeling overwhelmed and focus on the day. And again, ask yourself, what are my half thoughts? The thoughts that are 100% true, that are making me feel overwhelmed or sad or worried. And use your thought records and talk to the people in your life you trust and you feel comfort from, and it can really make a big difference. So I wish everybody a very, very happy, healthy, and happy New Year. I appreciate you guys being with me another year with my podcast. Podcast. I really hope they're making a difference. I hope you share them with others that can get something out of them as well. I've told you guys always, if everybody has CBT tools, I just think the world will be a better place because we're not making decisions based on how we feel, but we're making decisions based on what's best for us, and we're balancing our thoughts, and we don't believe everything we think because we all have too many thoughts, and most of them aren't even true.

So take good care of yourself this time of year, and please continue to reach out to me if you have any questions, any thoughts, any suggestions.

My sale on my website for my store is still going on. If you want to check out mycbt.store, my mugs are still on sale, and they're going to be on sale for a while. A lot of people have ordered some stuff, which is fun for themselves, they've said, for others, and everybody's really been happy with with their merchandise. If you want to be able to remember my mantra on a daily basis, it can be really helpful.

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And remember to make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.