Episode #178

Love, My 18 Month Rule & CBT

When you start a new romantic relationship with someone, everything can feel pretty amazing.

How can you know if someone is truly your Person?

How much time do you need to know for sure?

Join me, Dr Julie, as we talk about how to know when you’ve found your Person and how CBT tools can help.

Click to listen now!

 
 

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, and welcome to My CBT Podcast. This is Dr. Julie. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in cognitive-behavioral therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So thanks for joining me as always. I hope you're doing well. We're going to have a fun podcast today, but I'm going to start off with a really nice email that I just received. I always share with you guys. I love hearing from you. You can reach me at mycbtpodcast. Com. Podcast@gmail. Com. And I always respond to my emails.

So this one says,

“Hello and Happy New Year. I hope your heart is full of warmth to know you genuinely make a positive impact in what I imagine in so many lives. Having felt so touched myself, I wanted to thank you for all your support. The love you have in your work and the want to help others to help themselves is beautiful in many facets. The largest struggles in my mind are my own limitations, and listening to your podcast is helping me break through many barriers. I can't thank you enough for that.

“I've always had a strong love for the outdoors and wanted to travel the USA via the camper I remodeled. But after being attacked outside of my car six years ago, I struggled to leave my house on my own. I have a loving boyfriend. We live in my grandmother's house we bought from her two years ago, and even had the opportunity to live with my best friend of 20 years, I'm 34, for a while. It really seemed like that was all I ever needed, but because we had some It's about my best friend's new boyfriend. She moved out and is no longer talking to me. I do see where I could have been more supportive, but was trying to set boundaries in the home and failed. Of course, it's a long story. I digress. This left me feeling very lonely and stuck, dwelling and diving into a familiar depression spiral that I desperately don't want to be in as I'm afraid it will ruin my relationship with my lovely boyfriend who does so much to take care of me. But he works so much. We don't have much time together. I'm trying my best to get myself back to not who I used to be, but who I can possibly be.

“It's hard having a home in a city, whereas I'm used to cornfields in all directions. The ways I'm healing are different here. All this to say, I'm working through so much that seems beyond my control, but you've been a wonderful resource, and I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping make sense in the world that seems mad. You have helped me start a revolution against my hot thoughts, and I hope perhaps next year I can share with you some success stories instead. All my love, Amanda.”

So thanks, Amanda. We went back and forth and had some more emails, which was great. And Amanda obviously has a lot of resilience and courage, and I know is brave just for working through all the things that she's been through and what she's going through now. So again, I really appreciate you guys reaching out to me. I get some ideas for podcasts sometimes as well. So keep them coming. Keep them coming. So today, my podcast is on my 18th month rule. And that means, what is my 18th month rule? I'm talking about relationships. So I always share with clients, I've shared with my kids, that I have this 18th month rule knowing that that's really how long it takes to know if your person is your person.

People sometimes move way too fast in relationships. You got to remember the first six months is like the honeymoon stage, and everything's wonderful and fabulous, and everyone's on their best behavior. Then life settles down. We start getting to know each other. We might start having some arguments. We might start having outside relationships affect our relationship, and how do we communicate, and so many things which I'm going to go over. So it really takes 18 months to know, is this my person? I always giggle a little bit that I share this with my clients, and a lot of them at beginning of a relationship are like, 18 months? That's so long. And I'm like, What's 18 months if you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody? And then I also giggle when my clients listen but don't follow my rule. And Maybe they move in too soon or commit too early before the 18 months. Right about that year mark, it's pretty consistent that people really start seeing the conflicts, and they'll come in, they're like, shoot, you're right. But I'm only sharing because nothing is perfect, right? Nothing's exact. But I just give it a feel for people.

I want people to start thinking and being more mindful, right? Because when people move too fast in relationships, what are they doing? They're making decisions based on how they feel, not what is best for them, right? And I said before, when you make decisions based on your feelings, good or bad feelings, you're still not going to make good decisions, right? We're like, Why did you get married after three months? Oh, because I fell in love. Yeah, love is a feeling, and we don't even want to make decisions based on that because we'll tend to be too impulsive because we're so excited in the moment, right? And we get impulsive. And love is something most people, not everybody, but most people are searching for, and when they find it, and they just want to run with it, which I totally get, totally makes sense. I've been guilty of that myself in the past. But instead, Let's do things different this time. Most people in a relationship are looking for a long-term commitment, want it to work out. So if I wanted to work out, I need to have a plan to see if that's going to work out, and this is my person.

And there's no way I'm going to know in the first few months. No way. Because a lifelong partnership isn't about someone who is at their best. It's about who they are across time, stress, change, and choices. These things can't be fully seen quickly. And those are the things we need to really learn about the other person, and they need to learn about us. So I'm going to talk about some of the main reasons It does take time. So number one is people reveal layers gradually. So early on, most people show their most, I guess you could say, regulated, likable, emotionally stable selves. And over time, you begin to see, how do they handle disappointment? How do they handle conflict? How do they handle when they're bored? You're going to start seeing whether their values stay consistent when it actually costs them something. That's a biggie. We need our values to align to have a healthy, happy relationship. How do they treat you when they're tired, stressed, or if they're not getting their way? I'm hoping what I'm going to say today, take some notes, relisten listen to it, really maybe go through these things I'm talking about and saying, Oh, yeah, how does this person handle disappointment?

How do we handle conflict? Do their values stay the same even when things get thrown at them? That tells me a lot about who they are at the core. And how are they treating me when they're tired, stressed, or not getting their way. I give people an acronym also to use called HALT, which is you don't want to be hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. When we have those four emotions and feelings being hungry, we tend not to make good choices. So when your partner has any of that stuff going on, do they treat you differently or do they have ways of coping? And these things I'm talking about right now are patterns that only emerge with repetitive situations. So of course, I'm not saying to only judge someone based on a one-time thing, but you will see over time, do they deal with conflict? Are they conflict-avoidant? Is their anger a problem? Do their values stay consistent? So you want to see this stuff over time. So I'm not, again, unless it's, of course, something violent, which we don't want to stay with that person. That's an issue. But in general, how are they dealing with life's conflicts?

When they have strong feelings, how are they handling this and how do they show themselves? The second thing to think about is compatibility shows up in real life. It's not just the chemistry you're feeling, which a lot of people make decisions based on. Chemistry can be very instant, but being compatible is much slower. You're going to see if that compatibility shows up in real life based on your experience with your person with their decision making and how you make decisions together, money, work stress, family dynamics, and how do repairs happen after you have a misunderstanding? That's the compatibility. Are we being able to take a breath and pause? Are each of you able to own your part? How are your communication skills? So when you have a misunderstanding, are we compatible that we both can understand each other, take the time, give each other the respect and space? Sometimes if you need to cool down and then come back and talk. Money is a biggie. They say, if it's still true, that most divorces happen over sex and money. Money is a big deal, and that's something that you really need to be compatible on.

A lot of times there's one person that's a spender, one person is a saver. I've just heard so many clients really complain and be so stressed out about their partner spending, and they talk and talk and talk, and they can't seem to get resolution or understand each other. So the compatibility, again, is by experiencing how you make decisions together, experiencing money, work stress, family dynamics. Family dynamics is huge. They say that whether you're in the relationship or you marry somebody, you marry the family. So What are the dynamics there? Does your partner have a healthy relationship with their family? Is your partner able to set boundaries with their family? There's all those things to think about. And again, how do you guys repair your misunderstandings? A lifelong partner is someone you can return to that equilibrium with, not just feel close to, but we can get back to that healthy place where we feel heard, we've been able to resolve our conflict, and we can trust and feel good about the relationship. That's what you want in a lifelong partner. So again, I know the chemistry is fun and exciting, and I want you to have that, but it's not going to last forever.

It comes and goes, comes and goes. That people I want to feel that what they call that symbiosis, like we're connected, but it's not actually healthy to feel that 24/7. But the problem is that people that aren't in healthy relationships think there's a problem when they don't feel that like, Oh, we're together no matter what. I feel connected all the time. When you think, Oh, no, there's a problem. But there really isn't, because you want to have interdependence. I'm Julie, my husband's Anthony. We're still individuals, and then we also have a healthy It's your dependence where we come together. You don't want to lose yourself in the relationship. When the chemistry starts to balance itself out, I think people start thinking their hot thoughts like, Oh, something's wrong, when it's just the normal part of a relationship. Number three, time test your character and reliability. I should say their character, but yours as well. Trust isn't a feeling. It's really an accumulation of evidence. Here's another great way to use your thought record. A situation happens, and if your hot thought is, I can't trust him, I can't trust her, where's the evidence to support that?

If that's a hot thought. An accumulation of evidence is what creates trust in a relationship. Again, trust is not a feeling. It's really an action, a behavior. Do you trust somebody? Time will answer questions like, Do their words and actions align consistently? That's important to ask. Do they take responsibility or do they deflect blame? And do they grow when issues are named? Meaning that instead of saying, Oh, I know that's an issue I have, are they doing something about it? Are they growing? Are they working on themselves? Are they learning CBT tools? Are they reaching out for therapy, maybe if they're feeling stuck? One or two good moments don't answer these questions. Dozens do. And that's where the 18 months come in. It takes time and for situations to pop up and see how your partner is handling them. So I'm just going to repeat that again. Do the words and actions align consistently? Do they take responsibility or deflect blame? Do they grow when issues are named? We need dozens and dozens of situations to show their actions so we can decide how to answer these questions. Number four is you also change. And you need to see if you change well together.

So if you're talking the rest of your life, you're going to grow and be different and have different life experiences. We don't just grow from being together. Individually, we grow by our life experiences with our friends, if you have a career and you're in a work environment, family dynamics, taking care of parents, maybe. Whatever your life is looking like, you're also going to change. And can you guys do that together well? You're not the same person year to year, and neither are they, which is good, right? I want you guys to be growing. But time reveals whether growth pulls you closer or farther apart. Time reveals whether differences become manageable or corrosive. And time reveals whether the relationship adapts instead of rigidly repeating patterns, right? So this is all a lot of personal growth stuff I'm talking about, right? I I can tell you I'm very fortunate. One of the things that definitely attracted me to my husband is that we're both into personal growth. We like reading books, we've gone to personal growth conferences. I've shared these in the 12-Step program. I've been very involved with that with him over the years. And we still love personal growth, and we both know that it's an ongoing process, and life changes, and life circumstance change, and we have to grow together.

And what does that look like? And I want to change. I want him to change because that means we're growing. I wouldn't want to be with somebody that's the same 30 years ago. That would be no growth, and that's not attractive to me. Attractive to me personally is personal growth. So I change, he changes. We've been able to change well together. And also, number five, is safety and authenticity develop slowly. So true intimacy, not the chemistry stuff. True intimacy requires enough safety to be unfiltered. So what I mean by that is only with time people express their needs without fear. They show their vulnerability without performing, and they set boundaries without feeling guilty or doing it as a punishment. Because a lifelong partner is someone you can be fully yourself with even when that self is messy. I would say especially when that self is messy. A lifelong partner is someone you can be fully yourself with even when that self is messy. Because having a healthy, loving relationship is loving that person fully with all of their character defects, and all of my character defects. And how do we work with that? And does that person give you that safe place to fall when you are feeling vulnerable or you are feeling scared?

And you don't have any hot thoughts of like, Oh, no. What's he going to think of me? What is she going to think of me? Is this going to end the relationship? Are they going to leave? Are they going to dismiss me? Are they going to make me feel bad? I don't want you to have any of those hot thoughts. I want you to know this person that I'm with, I can be myself and feel safe, and that they're not going to just abandon me because I'm messy right now. A podcast you might be interested in, if this interests you, is I did a two-part called No Matter What, Part One, No no matter what part two. No matter what part two, I actually interviewed my husband. And no matter what was a commitment we created for each other, not created, we learned about and committed with each other before we were even married, saying that aside from, of course, drug abuse, domestic violence, things like that, aside from those safety issues, is that we're going to work things out. And having that concept and really trusting each other, really making that commitment, took the fear or has taken the fear out of our relationship that either of us are leaving just because we're angry or we got into a fight or a misunderstanding, and we right into problem solving.

And that's the safety that my relationship has created for me, and I know for him, that we can express our needs without being fearful. We can be vulnerable without performing and we can set boundaries without feeling guilty or doing it as a way of punishment. Because there's that trust there that we're going to work this out. And you can learn more about that if you want to listen to those podcasts. But I just wanted to share that because that falls into this part of feeling safe and authentic. Let me give you a little bit of helpful reframe, I think, that you can think about with the relationships that you're in or what you're looking for. You might be looking for a relationship. I'm hoping what I'm saying can give you a foundation to go forward. I want to say that if it feels like the relationship is moving slow, that doesn't mean something is wrong. It often means that you're observing instead of idealizing. Let me say that again. It means that you're observing instead of idealizing. And that's a really healthy place to be. I'm just observing. We're having a conflict. How does he or she handle this?

There's some money or has some family dynamics going on. What's going on? Or does he or she take responsibility for their part, or are they just blaming others or trying to blame me when it's not my fault? So that would be observing instead of idealizing like, Oh, they're perfect, and brushing things under the rug and ignoring red flags, all that thing. A lifelong partner is not discovered in a moment. It's recognized over time. Eighteen months, that's about the time. So think about also reflecting back on past relationships that you've been in. Why didn't they work? Did they move too fast? Did you ignore red flags? Did you not share the same values? Did you go too fast and you were pushing? Maybe the other person was a healthier one and was like, No, we need to slow down. And you're thinking, Oh, no, now something's wrong because you don't want to be with me already and move in and get married. And it's been four months. So think about any past patterns, because if you don't, you will just repeat them. That I promise, because how many of us, and again, back in the day, myself, would just repeat patterns in relationships because we don't think it's our fault.

We don't see our part. And so we just, Okay, that's not working. I'm on to the next one. And then it's like, What the heck is going on? I keep attracting the same person, and I'm thinking they're the problem when it's me. Look at your patterns if you have past relationships and say, what was the issue? I also share also, especially with my girls, I always say, every relationship you're in is just going to help you learn what you want in the next one. So once you pass the grief and the sadness, the relationship didn't work out, you always want to reflect and say, Okay, what did I like and what didn't I like? What didn't work in this relationship? So maybe what do I need to work on or what do I need to look for? What questions do I need to ask early on in a relationship that are really going to be important or might be deal breakers? Let's get those out of the way. We don't need to wait six months and then find out, Oh, they don't want kids, and I do, or vice versa. Or there's time bombs in relationships.

Religion can be one. Again, finances can be one. Your values, obviously, goals you have in your life. Some people love to travel. Some people don't want to travel anywhere. There's lots of things you want to come up with your list of things that you have to have, what are deal breakers. And approach these things early on in the relationship so that you get hooked in. And that's when you tend to dismiss things. Oh, well, I have feelings for this person now. So I guess we'll deal with that later. That doesn't work because those are just time bombs. Because later comes and it doesn't work out. And that's where you really have to own your part. And what are your hot thoughts? Your hot thoughts are that it'll work out. Your hot thoughts are, I don't really need to address this. Your hot thoughts are, he or she's going to change. That's a super hot thought. I'll figure this out. I'll show him or her the way. Or dismissing and not respecting your own boundaries. Well, that's not really important. Or I am willing to move away from my family when I really don't want to move away from my family because I know they're going to want to go somewhere else.

I mean, there's all these different things to think about that are healthy things to think about. What are your boundaries, your relationship? What are you looking for? What are your deal breakers? What are you willing to compromise on? Because when you get hooked in quick and that chemistry is rolling, you're going to start dismissing and not honoring yourself, and the relationship won't last in the long run. Also another way of thinking about this, another more balanced thought is, and I hope this is true for you, but I'm going to assume that the other person that is starting a relationship with you wants you to be authentic because they want to see who the real you is. Instead of like, Oh, I'm going to be this Perfect little girlfriend or boyfriend and always look good all the time and be happy and just roll with things and say yes to everything. That's not being your real authentic self, right? And sure, it might be fun in the moment, but I'm hoping that you're picking a healthier person than that that wants to see who you really are, right? Who wants to see all those great things about you, but also wants to see you when you're messy, and when you're sad, and when you're fearful, and when you're feeling vulnerable, because that's your real relationship.

And when you don't show that part of yourself, you're really not... Not really, but you're not respecting the other person so they can see who you are. And those are the things, especially being vulnerable, is what's really going to make the relationship special and create that intimacy that you're really looking for at the core. All the surface stuff is fun. At the beginning, we go on dates, we do fun stuff. I meet his friends, my friends, I'll be yada, yada. But now it's the two of us and we have a conflict. What's this look like? If we're having a hard time communicating, are both of you open to maybe reading some books on communication? Let's go talk to a therapist and get a few sessions in, and maybe they can help us in the right direction, teach us how to communicate better, understanding each other's core issues and how those are going to be triggered in the relationship. So all these things are healthy. I don't, again, want to sound like it's too much. It's one thing at a time. But I want you to think about these things and understand why my 18th month rule really works and that many people that I've worked with, say, again, after that first year, Mark, they said, Oh, I see what you're talking about now because these things have come up and we're working through them.

And sometimes They'll decide this isn't my person, and sometimes they will decide this is my person. But giving time and letting people get comfortable with each other and letting their hair down, as they say, you're going to really get to know that person you're with, and will get to know you. And then you can make a good decision based on what's best for you, not how you feel regarding this relationship. Nobody wants to go through a breakup. Nobody wants to get divorced. I've never met anybody, at least I haven't met anybody, if there's anyone out there that wants that. But people go into relationships wanting to connect. Our DNA, that's our DNA, is to connect with each other, whether it's a relationship, intimacy, friendships. We're connected. We're not built to be by ourselves. So it's normal to want to have a relationship. So let's create a healthy one and give yourself that timeline. Again, nothing's perfect, but I'm giving you a framework to start thinking about. So I'm just going to review the things I went over with one more time before we go for the day. Number one was that people reveal layers gradually.

Number two was compatibility shows up in real life, not just chemistry. Number three is time, test, character, and reliability. Number four, you also change and need to see if you change well together. Number five was safety and authenticity develop slowly. So this is Just a beginning framework. And I think there's a ton here you can start working on if you need to or even start assessing. If you're already in a relationship, this would be a great podcast to listen to together and have a lot of conversations. How are you feeling about our relationship? Do you think it's authentic? Do you think we're changing well together? How are we handling our conflict? Are there things that you want to tell me that you don't really like and that you'd like me to change your work on and vice versa? I mean, there's so much good stuff right here that you could get started with. I have a lot of people that say they listen to this with their partner or even their kids if it's a topic that pertains to them as parent-child, friendships, and then they talk about So I think listening to me talk about this is not threatening, and it can really open conversation.

It's not like, Oh, I'm bringing this up to you. And they're like, Oh, why are you feeling that way about me? It's like, Oh, no, here, Dr. Julie talked about this. What do you think about it? It made me think about our relationship, and I only wanted to continue to grow and be healthy because that's the long term goal, right? To be together. You got to keep growing and you got to keep working on your relationship, right? Love is a verb, not a feeling. It's how we take care of ourselves, how we take care of each other, how we nurture our relationship so it stays healthy and we continue to go forward.

So I hope you found this helpful. As always, you can find me on my website at mycognitive behavioraltherapy.com. Please share this with anyone you might think would benefit from it as well. You can also find me on Instagram under myCBT podcast or Dr. Julie Osborn on Facebook or YouTube.

Please keep sharing your thoughts, your concerns, your questions. I love hearing from you and getting your feedback. Please hit the subscribe button and make sure you never miss an episode.

If you give a review, I will also share that on a future episode. I still have my store until about the end of February at mycbt.store. If you're interested in any merchandise, I'm keeping my coffee cup on sale until the store goes down. And as always, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.