Episode #177

Teenagers & CBT

Teens need specific support from their parents, but for various reasons many parents struggle to understand and provide this support.

What specific support do teenagers need?

How can parents and others best support teenagers to support good mental health?

Join me, Dr Julie, as we talk candidly about what teenagers are facing today, the specific support they need from their parents, and how CBT tools can help.

Click to listen now!

 
 

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, and welcome to My CBT Podcast. This is Dr. Julie. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in cognitive-behavioral therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So I wanted to read a review I got on Apple from a colleague of mine who I really appreciate.

So it's called “Indispensable Tool:”

“As a fellow therapist, I'm thrilled to express my immense appreciation for the invaluable resource that Dr. Julie Osborne's MyCBT podcast has proven to be. Not only has it been an enlightening platform for personal growth and professional development, but has also become an indispensable tool in my therapeutic practice. Dr. Osborne's podcast episodes are meticulously crafted, offering a comprehensive dive into the realm of cognitive behavioral therapy. Each episode is a treasure trove of insights, strategies, and real-world examples that transcend theoretical concepts. Listening to her articulate explanations and relatable scenarios It feels like engaging in a thoughtful conversation with the mentor. I must emphasize how invaluable this resource has been for my referrals. Recommending specific episodes to clients has not only deepened their comprehension of their therapeutic journey, but also accelerated their progress.

“The clarity with which Dr. Osborn presents complex concepts has contributed significantly to my client's ability to internalize and implement strategies in their daily lives. In the field of that thrives on continuous learning, Dr. Osborn's podcast stands as a beacon of excellence. Five stars are simply not enough to reflect the profound impact this resource has had on my professional journey. Hats off to Dr. Osborn for her dedication to advancing the field and empowering therapists worldwide.”

And that's from Tammy Highland, who's a friend and colleague of mine. And thank you very much. What a beautiful review. I really, really appreciate it.

So today, I wanted to talk to you guys a little bit about teenagers and their emotions. And if you're a parent, some things to have some insight to and understand better about your kids. And there's an article in psychology today from August 2025, if you guys want to look it up, and it's by Donna Jackson, Nakazawa. I just want to give credit for when credit is due. What she talks about is it's called What Teens Need Most But Aren't Getting From Their Parents. She talks about how parental reactivity is creating a crisis for teens.

The Center for Disease Control asked teens to self-report the adversities that they face and examine how these adversities affect them. There was a report in 2024 that found out that not only are today's high schoolers experiencing high levels of adversity, but that the top form of adversity they face is actually at home. The report says that 61% of teens said they experienced being put down or insulted by a parent or adult at home, which is emotional abuse, right? An equally worrisome finding from the study said that adverse childhood experiences and health conditions and risk behaviors among high school students is that 20% of them said they live with a parent who is struggling with depression, anxiety, or another mental health disorder. And researchers call this household poor mental health. So the author here was saying that she's been talking to teens at schools around the country, asking them, What would you like to say to your parents, but you can't. And she said, In all different areas, they tell me that not only are they struggling, but they don't feel that they have an adult they can turn to at home. They want to be able to talk to their parents, but their parents also need to be better regulated emotionally and calmer.

They want to have parents that they can count on to have their back. So just that's pretty huge, right? Think about we're worried about our kids at school and what's going on and bullying and all those things that happen that we used to not really worry about as much. Bullying has been around forever, but I'm here in the United States, so sadly enough, we have a lot of school shootings and things that I didn't even experience growing up. And so we think there's all the stress, but the research is showing that 61% of it is actually coming from home. And think about this, that if you're an adult who is dealing with mental health issues and you're not handling them, you're not getting the help you need, trust me, your kids are feeling it. I've talked to a lot of teenagers and adults over the years that said they grew up with a parent who had mental health issues, and it was a real struggle. It was real struggle, even those that were getting help, but it wasn't enough where they felt safe to really be themselves and feel like they could always go to their parent.

Because now if your parents depressed or anxious and they're not taking care of themselves, You're thinking, I'm not going to go be a burden and put more on my parent, or they're not going to give me good answers. And so now these kids are left alone to go talk to their friends and get advice who may be dealing with the same thing at home. So it's really important. But what I really wanted to share from this article is what teens told her that they need the most from their parents. She only gave a handful of responses, she said, from her questions. But the one question I thought was most interesting that I'm going to read from the article here is, what do you wish you could tell your parents but can't? I wish adults were more emotionally mature than the kids around them. I wish we could talk about things without without getting compared to others or put down or told to push it down. All the stress that you're putting your problems on me is exhausting. I'm your kid, not your therapist. I feel like a burden, a disappointment, and a failure. Do not confuse my honesty with me being dramatic.

Believe me and don't get mad when I want to tell you something. I feel I can't talk to my dad about how I feel about him. He takes everything so personally and he's so combative. I don't want our relationship to suffer. I wish they wouldn't lie to me and to each other. I just need the adults to listen to me and take my emotions seriously. Those are heavy. Those are just a handful that she's sharing with us and talking about that, obviously, when teens feel they can't turn to the adults in their lives without being judged or put down, made fun of, critiqued, invalidated, there's huge consequences. And she shared how the CDC study found that 65% of teens' persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness were associated with experiencing one or more categories of early diversity. So as adults, we really need to be working on ourselves. And hopefully you are by listening to my podcast, right? And maybe you didn't know that you were anxious, or maybe you didn't know you were depressed. And hopefully by listening to my podcast, I've helped you identify what is that, right? People throw these words around a lot, and people don't even know, well, what does anxiety mean?

Is that just I'm a little nervous to speak in public, or is that I'm having panic attacks, and what's everything in between? So we need to know how to regulate our emotions and get help for ourselves so we can be there for the people in our lives that we love. You want to be the adult who they want to run to and share something good or negative with you and know that you can be present and love them no matter what and be there for them and give them good advice. And even when they do something that you may be disappointed with, it's not going to change how you feel about them. And make them feel loved and worthy, make them feel part of the family no matter what they're going through. I think this is just my personal theory, or not belief, I should say, is I think the only unconditional love in the world is between parent and child. And I think that's a good thing because is, I want you guys to have conditions when you're in relationships. But there's a real unconditional love between a parent and child, and you want your child to actually feel that, and a lot of kids don't.

She also goes on to talk about how parents and children and how that relationship works, and saying that we can't help one without helping the other. So part of today's Youth Mental Health, they talk about the crisis is them being disconnected from the parents emotionally, and what the parents are giving them. And we want to, as parents, really learn to be empathetic. You want to remember what it was like being your kid's age because you were. Also, I talk to a lot of adults that are like, I have no memory of my childhood. They had a lot of trauma themselves. They blocked things out. So it might be a little harder to really remember. But just know your kids are going through hormonal changes. School is a lot harder than it was a couple generations back. So much more pressure, a lot of perfectionism, so many things going done, pressures regarding drugs, sexuality, all of this that they may feel scared to share with you and they're making decisions based on what their friends are telling them or what they're listening to their friends. You want them to come to you and say, What do you think?

This is something I'm struggling with, and be able to have that empathy instead of like, What are you talking about? You should know better. That ain't going to work. To say, Wow, I don't remember everything, but I remember being at your age. Yeah, there was a lot of pressure. Sometimes I didn't always make the best decisions. I understand how hard it is. I'm really grateful that you're coming and talking to me. Whether you take my advice or not, let's just have the conversation and always allowing your child to have a safe place with you. Out of everyone in the world in their lives, you want them to know, I can always come to my mom or my dad, hopefully both. But I really think if they just have that one person, at least, that's going to make a good decision or give them good advice based on what's best for them, not your own fears and your concerns or your emotional dysregulation. That's what's going to give them that foundation to go out into the world and make good decisions. When you learn the cognitive behavioral therapy, which I tell everybody, especially the fall record, you can do this with your kids without them even knowing.

You don't have to say, Oh, I'm going to do this therapy technique with you. Is that when your kids are coming home and sharing their feelings because that's more of what they're going to do, teenagers are emotions, and to ask them, Well, why are you feeling insecure in that situation? Why don't you feel comfortable enough to talk to your best friend about how she or he did something that hurt your feelings? How are you feeling? You really want to go to this party, but there's going to be alcohol and drugs. You're not comfortable with that. What are your thoughts that are making you feel anxious or depressed or overwhelmed or scared or guilty or angry? Instead of using these tools, I wish I had this as a teenager, to get your kids to start thinking about, Okay, what am I thinking that's making me feel this way? And giving them tools, I think, really can boost their confidence. You're not just talking, and then they're left like, Okay, I still I don't know what to do, or I still don't know how to make a good decision. But to be able to give them some tools so they can figure out what their hot thoughts are, come up with more balanced thoughts, and then be able to make a good decision.

Being empathetic, as I was saying, we have to look at ourselves and look at our own life experiences and how it's affected us emotionally to be able to be more empathetic and be there for our kids. She even shared, which was interesting, some studies looking at brain scans that show that the more stress and early adversity we face growing up, the more likely are to be reactive to stress later in life. And she adds here, which is very true, that parenting is stressful. And again, parenting, I think as a parent, is definitely more stressful than when I was growing up. I had to figure out with my kids computers, texting, the Internet. There was none of that. We all laugh with my friends. We all had a landline at home, and that was it. And when we went out, we were gone, and nobody could contact us. Our parents had rules, and hopefully, they hope we followed them, and we came home by curfew and all of those things. But now we can track each other, But now there's all this heavy stress and bullying that goes on again with the Internet. There's a lot more that's first-generation on how to deal with this.

So parenting is very stressful. And most of us, I would say, I I don't know if it's fair to say all of us, but I would say we all want to do better than we had. Even if our parents were good, what could we do even better? What do I want to give to my child that I didn't get in a healthy, balanced way? Because some parents that didn't get much go overboard, right? Where we want to find that balance. We don't want to go overboard with our kids either. We don't want to share too much, feeling like we never knew anything about our parents. I'm going to tell my kid everything. That's not good either. Let them come to you. Share with them based on what's going to benefit them, not what's going to benefit you. So there's a lot here to juggle and figure out and to say, Okay, what's going to be best? What parent do I want to be, and what's going to be best for my kid without letting my emotions get in the way. And I need to be solid and be able to deal with my own emotions and use my CBT tools so that I can be more present and be there for my kids when they come to me.

There's a writing exercise that she suggests, and I'm going to add to it that the question to write about is, what did I want from my mother or father that I never received? So I talk about journaling and that when you're writing things down, don't worry about spelling, punctuation, grammar. It might even be hard to read when you're done, but just write and just let whatever comes to mind get on the paper, and think about what is it that I didn't get as a kid that I want now? And then we start giving you some insight into your own story and how your core beliefs, your negative core beliefs in your wounds, may be still affecting you now that you just weren't aware of. Because if you grew up in a house where people didn't talk about feelings, or you always had to just be happy. It wasn't okay to have any other feeling than that. Or if someone said, You need to listen to me, it was more like, You need to listen to my orders and follow and behave and not really listen and have a conversation, that this might be really hard for you when kids come to you and they want to have that conversation.

As I was saying earlier, you want to get to where, I love you no matter what, whatever you come and talk to me about, I can handle. You're important, you're safe, and I'm going to be here for you without judgment. That's the message we want to get to. That can be really hard if we haven't dealt with our own stuff. I think I can say as a parent, too, that as a parent, being a parenting, your kids are going to trigger you and bring up your unresolved issues that maybe you still need to look at. Which is, again, a good thing. This is one of those situations, my other podcast, when I talked about the Chinese farmer's story, where maybe was the reaction to situations that when our kids trigger us from like, Oh, this isn't good, I'd say maybe because this is maybe what you need to really address what you haven't started or finish what you haven't finished yet, regarding your own negative core beliefs about yourself, because that's going to come out in your parenting. So just doing this writing and saying, What did I get? What did I need? Are these things I want to give my children and how do I want to say it different?

And also, I'd say to be authentic and some vulnerability with your kids is a really good thing to just say, Hey, you know what? I didn't have what I want to give you, and I'm learning along the way, too. If you can also share with me, what do you need from me that maybe I'm not giving you right now, and that's what I'm going to work on. I don't want to guess what you need. I know you need empathy, I know you need safety, I know you need those things. But is there other things that you're not getting from me? That would be a question I ask my kids, What do you need from me right now? Do you want me to just listen? Are you asking for my advice? Do you want to problem-solve? Do you feel like I'm really hearing you? Am I getting you right? You want to inquire and say, Am I understanding this is what you're telling me? Is this the whole story? Sometimes, I remember my kids, they wanted to tell me part of the story, but not the whole story. So I'd have to just be present and be okay with that, even though, of course, I want to know everything.

There's many layers here, but this is a great way to just start thinking about this and how are you handling things with your kids? And that is the second question she talks about, is what do you think your child might want or need they are receiving? And you can also write this down in a journaling way. And then you can always see, are your kids not receiving things you also didn't receive? And maybe have more of that self-awareness and insight where you can breathe and pause. I talk about all the time, right? Pause and breathe, breathe and pause, and think about, Okay, am I being the parent that I set out to be? Am I being the parent I want to be? Or am I just being my parents, which I don't want? I know we all have our moments where we say something, we're like, I sound like my mother or father. I said, I never say that, now I am, right? So I need to pause some self-reflection and say, Okay, I need to back up. I need to redo. I always tell people, too, if you start off a conversation and you're not handling it the way you want to, you can just pause and say, Hey, I want to redo.

Let me restate that. That didn't come out the way I wanted to. You don't have to just finish because you're talking. You want to have that insight. What are my thoughts that are causing me to react this way towards my kid when they're coming to me looking for advice? That's really important. You have to be able to manage your own emotions and have that self-care and compassion if you want to give that to your child. And that requires us understanding ourselves. I totally get that. I totally get that when times that I've been triggered, that I've been able now to use my tools and say, Okay, this is about me, not my kid. I need to work through this. When my kid was at an age that was appropriate, I could share that with them. My experience is like, when I understood my parents' story as people, not as my mother and my father, I had a whole shift in my head, how I saw them, how I thought about them, how I felt about the decisions they made parenting me, where I didn't personalize anymore. I was like, Oh, I get that. Parents do not share their story with their kids enough.

They think they want to protect them or they don't need to know this or that. You don't have to tell them everything. If my kids are listening, I haven't told you everything, and I'm not going to, but I tell you what I think was important for you to understand me, because I'm still an individual. I'm a parent, but I'm still a person. I'm trying to take care of my needs so I can also take care of your needs even better. There's lots of layers here, lots of layers, right? But understanding ourselves, we can always be there for other people better. As she said earlier in the article where I started, is that creating that emotional safety for yourself and your child. This is something that they desperately want, and this is how we can help them to thrive, she shares, and also, again, in the process, heal ourselves. A lot of good information here, a lot of really good insight. I work with teenagers. I work with kids. That's another specialty, children. But teenagers. And I've had a lot of opportunities where I've worked with the teenager, and then I've had their parent come in, and I've been able to be the third party, being able to communicate what the teenager needs and how the parent can meet them.

And most times, I'd say we've had success because the parents will just hear it differently from me because they don't have an emotional connection to me like they do their kid, and they're not so reactive. Or they're stressed, and they just want their kid to do what they're asking and not make it more difficult. But You chose to have your children, and it's not always fun, and it's not always easy, and it can be messy. But when we can be the best of who we are and be there for our kids and have that empathy and be there them and listen and give them the guidance and that safety that they need, you as a parent are going to feel great about yourself. We need to be the generation that stops that trauma, that abandonment, whatever it is that you went through. You don't want to continue and give that to your children because there is what's generational trauma is repeated. My mom's mom emotionally abandoned her. My mom abandoned me. I wasn't going to abandon my kids, I was stopping it here. And I don't know what happened to my grandmother either before that.

I don't know her story enough. But when you start getting people's history, you're like, Wow, this happened over and over and over again. And then we just repeat what we know if we don't get help because we don't know anything. All we know is what we know, right? So it's just not coming from a mean, evil place. But if you're not going to take the time to really work on yourself, you're not going to be the best parent you can be for your kids because your stuff is going to be put on them. And that's not fair, and that's not good for them. And you don't want them to repeat this with their children down the world one day and make poor decisions, right? With any choices our kids make, I heard Someone say, Instead of focusing on the addiction, focus on the pain of why they needed the addiction. What's the pain that they're using to hide? Why as a parent, are you just yelling at your kids or telling them what to do and not being willing to listen to them? What's that pain about? What aren't you looking at? What aren't you willing to address?

Being a parent that says, Do it because I said so, is not being a good, loving parent. That's being a little dictator in the house. Kids don't respond to that, and it's uncomfortable. Sometimes your kids are really going to come to you with some really uncomfortable things, especially in their teen years, again, as they're growing and developing and their hormones are all over the place, and just so many situations that are coming up in life today that, again, as parents, we didn't even deal with this kid, so it's new for us. So we need to take the time and even say, This is hard. I'm not really sure what the best answer is, but I'm going to go talk to a professional. I'm going to go talk to other people that maybe handled this before and come back to you because I want to be the best parent I can be and I want to give you the best answer for you. And what else can I do to be there for you if I'm missing something? It's not just about me. I really want to be there for you. That's what's going to bring me peace in my life.

That's what's going to bring me joy. And I can be okay with you tripping up and making some mistakes. As a parent, I can tell you I wanted my kids to screw up while they lived with me so that we could go through that situation, situations, whatever it is, because they were going to go out into the world one day, and I'm not always to be there right there to say, No, don't do that, don't do this, make a better decision. I want you to come to me and share with me your struggles and screw up a little bit so we can handle it while you're with me and make good decisions and teach them the CBT tools so when they go out into the world, they can use them. So your whole parent experience can be a lot better by having good insight, being aware of what you didn't get as a kid, asking your kid what they need from you. When you're really motion regulated, you can ask this question the lady posed in the article. What do you want to tell me that you think you can't tell me? What do you want to tell me that you think that I can't handle?

Because I can handle it and I want to hear it. And that's really important. And I don't need you to be my therapist. That's not what our roles are here. A lot of times, I know a lot of kids have been like, Oh, my God, I've been like the adult in the house, dealing with my parents' emotions. I had nobody there for me. So think What about that? Could I ask my kid that question? What is it you're not getting from me? What do you want to really say to me that you don't think you can? And I will be okay, and I want to hear that, and I want to work on that. Because ultimately, my goal is I want to be there for are you? I had you to be a parent, and I want to be a good one. And there is a crisis going on, and kids aren't getting their needs met. And again, the CDC said, 61% of kids distress is coming from the house. That's good to know because that's something we can change. We can't change everything that's out there in the environment at school, the jobs that they have as teenagers.

We can give them some direction, but what can I change is how to parent I am, how I communicate, being able to show self-compassion towards myself so I can be there for my kids, and to always know that it's always a learning process. I want to share this, too, before I finish up today, is I don't care how many kids you have, every one of them is individual, and everyone is getting a different parent. Because based on the age I was when I had my kids, I was different each time I had a child. I had grown, I had more wisdom, I had different life experiences. Everyone doesn't get the same parent. I've talked to so many people. I even know within my family, other families, I've talked to you. You're like, Did you all grow up in the same house? Because your experience with your parents is so different. But each kid is different. Some kids really follow the rules and don't want to break any rules and just do what's right. And other kids are just breaking all the rules. It's just their personalities. Things are different. So you can't parent every child exactly the same way.

You got to look at your kid and say, what's going to work for them and what do they need? That's something I really learned as a parent, I'd say, learning my kids' personalities and the differences and that their needs are different because of that. And how can I parent for each of them so they each got their needs met? And it's still... My kids are adults now, but it's still an ongoing learning process and how I can still be there for them when they need me. And knowing that they know no matter what, they can call me and their dad, and that We're never going to reject them, and we're going to be there for them no matter what. Even if we are disappointed, even if we are upset, we can still work on things together because of that unconditional love and our desire to be good parents. So again, it's a working process. I am definitely not perfect, but I am mindful, and I've learned a lot from my kids on how to be there for them. I think that I've gotten better over the years, but It's always progress, not perfection. So take some time and think about, are you being the parents you want to be?

Are you meeting your kids' needs? Do some of the writing exercises to identify and have some insight, and then have those conversations with them and open up that door so they know that they can talk to you and be real and authentic, and they don't have to worry about losing your love. And that part of life is that we do disappoint each other and we feel frustrated and sad sometimes. But that's life. That is life. And that's part of the growing process is, I can still love you and be disappointed. I can still love you and be frustrated. And that as an adult, we need to be grounded and emotionally stable so that we can be there for them no matter what. So I hope this was helpful. I thought it was a really great article I wanted to share and understand what's going on with teenagers. If you have some in your life, even if this isn't just parents, I want to say if you're an aunt, you're an uncle, if you're a good friend, to some kids of a family member. I had some neighbors that were really kind and sweet to me When after my mom left, it was just my dad, at a neighborhood, I'd spend time with she taught me how to sew and we bake.

There's lots of different people in our lives that can be important. I know I'm not only focused on parenting, but if you have a child in your life and you They're going to be there for them. This is just a lot of good information, I think, for you to have as well, and to use your CBT tools. Teach your kids these tools. They will benefit so greatly from them so that they're just not making decisions off their emotions because they're teenagers. It's so great. I have so many people say, This should be in the high schools, and I'm like, I know. It should be in the high schools, but it isn't. They learn about it in psychology class, but not really the tools. And say, What do you think? Instead of just, Don't feel that way, don't feel that way. Calm yourself down. Don't overreact. You should know better. All those bad messages. So I'm going to wrap up now. But again, I hope this was helpful. Let me know what you think. Please, please share this with other people that you think may benefit.

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