Episode #181

Finding Your Life Purpose & CBT

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy tools can help you clear the noise that blocks your purpose.

How can you use CBT tools to clear away the ‘noise’?

How can you correct distorted thinking to bring your life’s purpose into focus?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you the many fascinating ways CBT tools can help you discover and clarify your life purpose. Click to listen now!

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, and welcome to My CBT Podcast. This is Dr. Julie. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in cognitive-behavioral therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

Thanks for being with me today, and I hope you're doing well.

I wanted to start off today's podcast instead of an email. I'm just going to share something called the possibilities um, which is a really beautiful statement about looking at your journey in life. It's something that's offered through the 12-step program. This is a little more for women, but you can relate to it regardless of your sex. So it's called The Possibilities.

Recovery is a process that offers no guarantees about relationships, but it does guarantee a journey to self-love and self-care. A woman in recovery can learn to trust herself and listen to her inner wisdom. It is her opportunity to learn about healthy boundaries, who is responsible for what, and what provides a sense of safety. She can give voice to her reality, moving forward in truth. Secrets disappear, leaving potential for connectedness with self, others, and the universe.

She deserves to believe in her preciousness and to have it honored from within and by those she invites into her life. Her recovery is a journey of honoring and respecting herself. It is moving from immobilization or reactivity to a life of hope, greater esteem, and greater choices. I've had this for years and years, and I thought I want to share this with you guys because I love it. And it's a great beginning to talking about my topic today, which is finding your life purpose.

And how CBT can help you do that as well. So I think a lot of people get stuck on life purpose 'cause it might seem like different things for different people, right? And how can CBT and life purpose, you know, fit into the same world? 'Cause one is more practical and one is structured. One's deep, one's philosophical.

But CBT can actually be a powerful tool for clarifying testing and even living out your sense of purpose. So I'm going to share how they can connect, and hopefully this will give you some ideas. A lot of people struggle with like, I don't know what my purpose is, I want to find my life purpose. We're going to break that down today. So CBT can help you clear the noise that blocks your purpose, right?

Many people don't actually lack purpose, they're just stuck in thoughts that distort them, right? Most of our thoughts are distorted. Most of our thought are thoughts are hot, which are thoughts that are not 100% true. So some common CBT blocks, as we could call them, is the distorted thought thinking. All or nothing.

If I don't have a big meaningful career, my life has no purpose. That's a hot thought. Self-doubt beliefs. I'm not capable of doing anything meaningful. And catastrophizing.

If I choose wrong, I'll ruin my life. So you can imagine where you get stuck having these hot thoughts, and some of them even could be beliefs within yourself, right? So using your CBT tools, you can identify these thoughts and start balancing them out so you can see things more clearly to help you find your purpose, right? So instead of thinking what I just shared, you might have a thought like, you know, purpose doesn't have to be huge, it can be built. And I can test different directions without committing forever.

That feels much lighter. That makes me feel like I have lots of different choices. That makes me think I don't have to get it right the first time. I think again, that's where people get stuck, like I gotta know what it is and then just go forward with that for the rest of my life. CBT also helps you shift purpose from feeling to behaviors.

Remember, those are Part of the whole CBT theory, or facts really, is you have your thoughts, your moods, your behaviors, and your physical reactions, and your environments. So right now I'm talking from feelings to behavior. So CBT talks about how action comes before clarity, not the other way around. So instead of waiting to feel your purpose, your CBT tools can help you to try small meaningful actions, observe what feels energizing versus draining to you, adjusting things based on real experiences, right? So I tell people a lot, you know, that it's easier sometimes to do a behavior versus just change your feelings because we got to figure out what you're thinking and all of those things.

But we can just start to do. So trying small meaningful actions is doing. Right? That's a behavior. Just observing what feels good versus what feels draining, that's a behavior.

And adjusting based on real experiences, that's a behavior too, right?

So to give you an example, instead of asking, you know, what is my purpose— that's a big question that feels heavy— you know, you can say, and, or ask yourself, you know, do I feel more engaged when helping others, being creative, solving problems, or connecting? How do I feel more engaged? Maybe that's a good place to get started to kind of figure out what I want to do, because your purpose can become something you discover through your behavior, not just, you know, having introspection and thinking and thinking and trying to be philosophical. But let me try things and be like, yeah, you know what, this really, you know, this really does something within me, gets me excited, makes me more interested. I want to learn more about whatever I'm doing.

Or like, nah, this really isn't what I want to do even though I thought I wanted to do it, right? We got to try it out.

Another thing to look at is your values versus your goals. And this is a core distinction in CBT, right? So cognitive behavioral therapy helps you separate your values and your goals. So your values is helping, I want to learn, I want to be honest, I want a family, right? So that's just some examples.

Goals are specific outcomes. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to finish school. So we want to separate that. What are my values and what are my goals?

And when people feel purposeless, a lot of times it's because they're chasing goals without connecting to their values, or they've lost contact with what matters to them. So that's a big deal. Our values are at the core of who we are, and if we can find a life purpose that is connected to our values, that could really be a win for you. So you can ask yourself, you know, what kind of person do I want to be in daily life? And what matters even on a bad day?

That's a great question, huh? Even if I say so myself. What matters even on a bad day? Do I still want to be there for others? Do I still want to learn?

Do I still want to help? What is it that I want to pursue? And again, what kind of person do I want to be in my daily life? So that's where you're going to separate your values versus your goals. Really interesting to think about.

It's a different way of shifting your thinking, which is what we're trying to do, right? You can also have some behavioral experiments to test purpose. So instead of overthinking, which all of us do, right, your CBT tools can help you kind of create a hypothesis, right? You might say to yourself, like, I might find purpose in helping people, right? What would be my experiment for that?

I tell people all the time, go volunteer. Go find something that you can volunteer at and see if you even like it. You can be a mentor, or you can support someone for a week in what you think you might be interested in. And then you want to observe, you know, what's my energy feel like? Do I find some meaning in this?

Is there some resistance? And of course, what are my thoughts when I'm engaging in this behavior? Right? And then you can adjust it. You can continue it, you can tweak it, or you can find a completely different direction.

But at least you're creating some opportunities for you to have some answers for yourself. And this takes away that pressure, as I was saying earlier, to like get it right. And instead, you can get curious. Being curious in life is a gift. Being curious about yourself, being curious about others, it helps you really think on a deeper level.

It helps you come up with good questions. Right? I'm always so— that's one reason I love what I do. I am so curious about people. And so often I'll ask, you know, my clients in session a question and they're like, oh, that's a good question, or I'm surprised you really picked that up, or you heard I actually said that, because I'm listening and I'm curious and I want to understand more.

And sometimes it might seem like a small thing and it just opens up a boatload of feelings and thoughts that my clients didn't even know were there. So being curious is a great place to be and taking off the pressure, changing that thought that I have to get it right. That's too much pressure. And then you're not focused on your values, you're not focused on what your goals are, and you're, you're actually not taking the steps you need to get closer to what your life purpose is.

And you want to challenge this purpose myth, I'm going to call it, right? So CBT often addresses the hidden beliefs, right? The core beliefs I talked to you guys about, that, you know, there is one true purpose I must find. What if I don't find it? Then I'm screwed.

My purpose should make me happy all the time. That's all-or-nothing thinking, right? And if I don't feel passionate, it's not right. Those are all hot thoughts. Those are not 100% true.

Regarding finding your passion. Instead, you can say that your purpose can evolve over time. For sure, I know people that have left careers and started something new, but their first career, they thought that was going to be their thing, and they realized it wasn't, or they've used it in a different way to be of service in their life and to others. Meaning often includes effort and discomfort. That's a more balanced thought, right?

And consistency matters more than intensity. Right? So you don't have to be like super intense and it just is everything in your life. You want to be consistent because when you find your passion, you still want to have balance in your life, right? I would say being a therapist is my passion and teaching people CBT and everything that I do, but I still have balance because I have my family and my friends and, you know, taking care of myself.

So it's not about everything being so intense, but being consistent. And again, purpose evolves over time. That's really important. So don't get stuck that, you know, it's one thing and then you could spend your whole life trying to figure out and your whole life's passed you by and you never figured it out because you're so stuck on it being one thing and that you had to get it right. So I want to give you an exercise, a simple one with CBT to find your life purpose.

So let's identify the stuck thought, right? Let's identify that hot thought. So for example, I'm going to say, I don't have a purpose, so nothing matters. That's super hot, right? So then we're going to say, okay, that makes me feel sad.

That makes me feel disappointed, discouraged, anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed, right? And now that we know what the hot thought is, we're going to say, you know, what's the evidence that this is even true? And what's the evidence that it's not true? And ask yourself, is this hot thought helpful or is it paralyzing you? This particular one could paralyze you, right?

I don't have a purpose, so nothing matters, so why even bother? That would be another hot thought I think comes from that. So you always want to challenge your hot thoughts, right? And if we're going to replace it with a more balanced or alternative thought, it would be that I might not know my full I don't know my purpose yet, but I can build it through small actions.

That feels manageable. That's a goal I could work on. You know, there's so much— I tell people as an example, like when you start going to college, you know, and people like, well, I'm not really sure what I want to do. And I'm like, well, that's what college is about. Go take some classes, you know, some intro classes here or there.

And you might say like, oh, I really like this subject. I didn't even know this was a career. Right? I didn't even know this was a thing, right? So that's where, you know, being open and trying new things— if you don't have a real direction yet, and you may, you know, be like, wow, I could do this as a career, and I really love it, and it meets my values, I love this, but I have to try it by taking those small actions.

I don't have to know my full purpose yet.

So what can you do today to get started? Reach out to someone. Maybe if you kind of know what you want to do but you're not sure. I can't tell you how many clients I've counseled for other reasons, but they wanted to know about what did I do to become a therapist because they want to go down the same route. And I definitely have some advice for them that was shared with me back in the day, right?

So reach out to someone that may be doing something you're interested in. Learn something new. Take a class. Go volunteer. Try something new.

You're not committed to it for life. If you don't like it, you can stop and you can try something else. Go help out in a small way with something. You know, maybe if you think, I want to work with kids, maybe there's a neighbor that could help with babysitting, or, you know, help if you're at the park and you see somebody with their kids. Hey, you know, they're playing a game, you know, maybe you could join in and kind of start talking to the kids.

This is something I enjoy. You can help out in a small way. You can also create or express something of your own, right? What would that look like to you? Is that through social media?

Is, you know, through your community service? Is it, you know, again, finding out, um, you know, maybe you're connected, maybe someone in your family's had some medical issues and you, you want to get involved in some organizations. I mean, anything you want to try is good. You know, anything you want. Don't judge yourself.

Don't question it. You know, don't expect everybody to support it. Hopefully you'll have some people, but if it's important to you, I want you to go do it. And what CBT really says about purpose, if you look at through a CBT lens, that it's less about a single answer and it's more about repeated value-based actions. A willingness to act despite your uncertainty.

Adjusting based on feedback from real life, right? So you might be disappointed, like, oh, I thought I wanted to do this, but you know, I really don't. I thought I want to be a therapist. I can't— I've had people say, oh my God, I couldn't spend an hour just listening people's problems because it's just not my interest. But I thought that's what I wanted to do.

But you know, how do I want to tweak it? Maybe you want to be a coach instead. That's a different take on all of this, right? So there's just, you know, there's a million ideas out there. And going and talking to people, maybe at a college, right?

Like maybe a, you know, one of the counselors there. I'm really not sure what I want to do. I kind of like kids, like adults, like seniors. I like marketing. Like, what's, you know, what could I do?

You know, they're gonna get, oh, here's all these different things you could try. Oh, I didn't even know that was the thing, right? Go talk to someone. If you do know something, again, reach out and talk to someone that does what you think you want to do. Maybe go do an internship.

Oh, there's lots and lots of ideas, you guys. Obviously you can hear I could go on forever.

So again, you want to identify your personal values. You want to create a, you can, like, a purpose experiment plan. So in the Mind Over Mood book, um, in chapter 10 is action plans. That's one of the parts of that chapter. And an action plan, which you can Here I'm calling it a purpose experiment plan.

It's going to help you write down like, what is my action I want to take? When do I want to start? What are some possible problems and how I'm going to deal with those problems to keep moving forward? Right. You can always write out a script for yourself, right?

If you, if you feel your sense of purpose is getting tangled in maybe some family dynamics, right? Where I was saying like, not everybody might, you know, support that. Or it's like, oh, you know, that's not going to be, you know, a 9-to-5 job, or, you know, you need something more, you know, stable. You know, a lot of times our parents say things like that to us because, you know, that uncertainty. And sometimes older generations, you know, that's what they did, which I respect.

But, you know, just you want to say what's important to me and not get caught up. Your purpose is not about pleasing your family. It's about finding what's important to you. And what's going to make you happy and for you to thrive and just, and feel good and feel good. And purpose doesn't have to be part of your career either.

I want to clarify that because I know I've been, I've been saying that a lot. I didn't mean to, that a lot of times if your career, if your purpose can turn into a career, that's great. But a lot of times people have a career, right? A job, whatever they do. And outside of that is their purpose.

People that coach kids in soccer, football, whatever they're doing, that's their purpose, right? People have a job, they go volunteer because that's their purpose. They work maybe at the food bank, or they, you know, work at the animal shelter. That's their purpose. It doesn't have to be your job, of course.

So it's very clear that having a sense of purpose does contribute to your health, your happiness, and the research shows your longevity as well.

And that, like, as I was saying, you know, searching for your purpose, it can be stressful at times. You can feel sad and even, you know, feel inadequate at times, right? Because it might not be turning out the way you thought it would. If you're comparing yourself to others, that's going to get you in a bad place too. But I want you to be prepared and be able to use your CBT tools to get through these times, right?

That it might not be going exactly as I planned, but I want to keep going forward and see where this is going to take me.

Again, I think our society puts this pressure that it's one concept that we're going to come up with, but it's really not. And you want to break it down, right, so that you don't become so anxious about it that that gets in the way.

And doing the work or engaging activities that really resonate with your values and you personally, make you feel alive, feel excited, want to you know, you can't wait to go be part of that activity, you know, that is going to really give you that joy that you're looking for. It's going to make it feel easy because you want to do this.

It's very fulfilling. It won't cause you anxiety, right? And you can— it can be sustainable. You can continue to do it. Because it's something that really feeds your soul.

And again, even on tough days, you're going to be, it's okay because I know this is what I want to be a part of.

So instead of thinking it has to be big, you can make it little, you know, make it important. It's about finding the meaning in the small everyday moments that light you up, that make you happy, that bring you joy. And you'll know it when you reach there because you're just going to feel it. So all of the, um, all the CBT tools I've taught you guys, you can definitely use in finding your purpose. And any other ways, you know, to do it is meditation's always good, clearing your mind, you know, going and exercising, whatever that looks like for you.

Sometimes that can bring you some clarity, you know, you're not focusing on like, I got to figure it out, and all of a sudden things just kind of come to you. Again, meeting other people and being interested in them and finding out what they do and asking, you know, just ask questions. I ask a lot of questions, you can imagine, not just in my work, but when I meet people, I'm just like, oh, that's interesting, I want to understand that, maybe that's something I want to get involved in, you know. I like to volunteer in different ways, so it's never-ending, which is exciting, right? And we never know what's going to come into our life, we never know what difficult things in our lives will happen that will actually create a purpose for us.

I can tell you, for, you know, I would say most therapists, that we're all in this field because of our own issues that brought us in. Everyone— I know that's true for me. And people I talk to, when you ask people, why'd you become a therapist? Oh, I went through this, I went through this in my life, right? Why'd you become a doctor?

Oh, my family member, my parent passed away when I was younger. My grandmother I was super close to. you know, had, you know, Alzheimer's, had cancer, had heart issue. I wanted to learn. I wanted to be a doctor.

I wanted to help, right? Why am I involved? Um, you know, why are you— why do you rescue cats or dogs? Because I love them, right? They've always been a part of my life, and I wanted to give back in some way, and I wanted to share with other people how they can, you know, fill their hearts with having a pet to take care of.

Um, Some people really found that it gave them a lot of purpose just to care for their pet, right? I gotta take care of them, I gotta feed them, I gotta make sure they're okay. If it's a dog, gotta walk them. Whatever kind of pets you have, it gives you some purpose because that animal is dependent on you, right? So again, please make this very broad.

Be open to anything that brings you joy and just go for it and see where it takes you. And again, if you end up going down a path that you thought you wanted and you didn't, that's okay. Better to find out than not. Step back and say, I'm going to try something else, or I'm going to create something nobody's even done before, right? That happens all the time.

A lot of people are creative that they're like, wow, I've seen things, and I'm like, I wish I thought of that. I didn't even think of that, you know? Or how people take their career and just really align it with something that is more with their values than just doing that everyday job, if it's part of your career. So anyways, I don't mean to go on and on, just want to give you a bunch of different ideas. Um, if you've got questions, as always, please reach out to me.

Let me know what you think about these ideas. I'd love to hear about how you found your life purpose, if you're there already. Share this with anyone else that may be looking for their life purpose or struggling. I think it's a great topic to talk about and to learn how other people have found what brings them joy, aligned with their values, and then create those goals. So, you know, you can find me on my website at mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com.

I have a lot of information on there. If you haven't gone to my website other than my podcast here, I have a lot of blog articles. I have some videos. I got information on how to get started with just making changes. So you can explore a bunch of stuff on my website.

You can also find me on Instagram under My CBT Podcast and Dr. Julie Osborn on Facebook and YouTube.

Please keep sharing your thoughts and concerns, your questions. I love hearing from you guys. Please hit the subscribe button to make sure you never miss an episode.

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And again, the intention is just to learn the CBT, to have a happier life.

And as always, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.