Episode #183

Identifying Your Core Beliefs & CBT

All of our core beliefs stem from life events, assumptions, or how we were raised, among other reasons.

How do we learn our core beliefs?

How can you identify your core beliefs?

Is it possible to adjust your core beliefs to be more accurate & healthy?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you the many fascinating ways core beliefs are formed, as well as how you can use CBT tools to make healthy adjustments. Click to listen now!

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, and welcome to My CBT Podcast. This is Dr. Julie. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in cognitive-behavioral therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

I hope everybody's doing well.

And again, I always appreciate you taking the time to join me. So let me start off with the review I received on Apple Podcasts from a colleague of mine, actually, and I was really grateful, so I thought I'd share with you guys.

So it says, a fellow therapist,

“I'm thrilled to express my immense appreciation for the invaluable resource that Dr. Julie Osborn's My CBT Podcast has proven to be. Not only has it been an enlightening platform for personal growth and professional development, but has also become an indispensable tool in my therapeutic practice. Dr. Osborn's podcast episodes are meticulously crafted, offering a comprehensive dive into the realm of CBT.

“Each episode is a treasure trove of insights, strategies, real-world examples that transcend theoretical concepts. Listening to our articulate explanations and relatable scenarios feels like engaging in a thoughtful conversation with the mentor. I must emphasize how invaluable this resource has been for my referrals. Recommending specific episodes to clients has not only deepened their comprehension of their therapeutic journey, but also accelerated their progress. The clarity in which Dr. Osborn presents complex concepts has contributed significantly to my clients' ability to internalize and implement strategies in their daily lives.

“In the field that thrives on continuous learning, Dr. Dr. Osborn's podcast stands as a beacon of excellence. 5 stars are simply not enough to reflect the profound impact that these resources had on my professional journey. Hats off to Dr. Osborne for her dedication to advancing the field and empowering therapists worldwide.”

Woo! That's from my colleague Tammy Highland, who's a great licensed marriage family therapist and specializes with couples.

So thanks, Tammy. And that was really beautiful. I wanted to share with you guys. So I love you guys reaching out to me and giving me ratings on Apple is great because it's just going to get to more people. So again, I appreciate everybody taking the time.

So today I want to talk to you guys a little bit more about core beliefs. So, you know, I have an older episode called Core Beliefs where I share my story and my core belief that I had to work on changing, which was that I felt— I believed, I should say— that I was bound to be abandoned. And once I realized that through my own therapy, it was a game changer because all of our assumptions, all of our Thoughts are thoughts that aren't 100% true, stem from your core. So let me just go over that before I get into something that's a little more detailed today to help you figure out your core beliefs. And that's what my podcast is about.

So think of, you know, the core of you, right? It's the root of everything. And we learn core beliefs. We have positive core beliefs and we have negative core beliefs, and they can be created from long-term negative situations or environments, and they can be created by one-time incidences. So, um, I know So some people back in when 9/11 happened, you know, the world is a dangerous place.

That became their core belief. And then they decided they were never gonna fly again, right? Or you could have an incident with someone of a different ethnicity and generalize all those, anyone with that ethnicity are terrible people. So core belief can happen in an instant. And then again, in a long-term negative situation, growing up in abusive home, growing up with alcohol or drugs, being in a domestic violent relationship.

So it's not all childhood. It can happen at any time. Time, you could still develop a negative core belief going forward in your life. But we don't walk around like saying, I'm unlovable, I'm bound to be abandoned, I'm, you know, unattractive, I'm unworthy, I'm not good enough, you know, people are, you know, not to be trusted. We don't walk around saying that, but it's at our core and it's like subconscious.

But that's where all of the assumptions and the hot thoughts stem from. So once we can figure out our core belief, our negative ones, and change them to a positive core belief, it's a game because all of those assumptions and hot thoughts that you have just go away, just go away. So again, if you listen to my podcast just called Core Beliefs a couple years ago, it will share again my story and be more specific about how these are created and how you can change them. And if you're working through the Mind Over Mood book, you can read chapter 12, which is also called Core Beliefs, and there's exercises in there to figure them out, 'cause that's a skill in itself to even figure out what your core belief is. Is, and then how to change it.

And I do always tell everybody, you know, you need to be patient. It takes time to change your core belief. Some of us, you know, I was walking around with that core belief for, you know, 20 years before I figured it out. Some people are 30, 40, 50 years, you know. So it's not going to take that long to change it, but it does take a little more time.

And that's why I teach people how to do the thought records and identify, you know, their hot thoughts and how to change them first, because those are tools that you can use right away. Again, the core belief takes a little bit more time, but you'll definitely can get there. And it can just, you know, it can be huge because it's going to change again how you believe about yourself. It's going to change your behaviors, how you think about things. Your hot thoughts will definitely decrease regarding whatever they are connected to that negative core belief that you had.

So it's really a great tool. It's really important to work on. So how do we even figure that out? So I'm going to use a referral I have through Dr. David Burns. You guys know I use this stuff a lot.

I've had a lot of training with him. He teaches Team CBT, and he just has a really nice handout that's gonna make this easy. So that's why I just want to give him credit for that. But our self-defeating beliefs, I want to say again, can help identify our core beliefs, right? And our self-defeating beliefs that are connected to our core beliefs is based on an event.

An event happens in our lives, again, short-term, long-term, right, that creates the core beliefs, and then that's what creates the hot thoughts that we're having that we want to change as well. So yes, we can change our hot thoughts and come up with more balanced thoughts and definitely feel better. But if there's a pattern to your hot thoughts— hot thoughts, you know, if you have the same hot thought that comes up over and over again, so like say for example, you know, I'm not good enough, that one's very common, you know, it might come up in many different scenarios, and that can also be a red flag that that would be one of your core beliefs. So the first one Dr. Burns talks about with common self-defeating beliefs is the first one is categorized under achievement, right? So that would be perfectionism, right?

I must never fail or make a mistake, right? A lot of people have that core belief I work with, you know, I have to be perfect. And imagine this, just saying that out loud is stressful, right? Because how can you be present in your life if you're always trying to be perfect? And most of us never reach perfection.

I mean, what, it's so subjective. What does that even mean? So then we just feel like we're failing all the time. It's just humiliating, right? But it's this belief, and that could have been definitely created from, you know, maybe a home where that's how you got attention— when you were perfect, that's when your parents loved you the most.

That would be an example of where that was created. And then there's what he calls perceived perfectionism, which is people will not love and accept me as a flawed and vulnerable human being. So I'm perceiving that others expect that of me. That can come up a lot with child and parent, you know, or even with a partner in your life possibly, or maybe a boss, right? That I won't be loved and accepted if they see that I'm flawed and vulnerable, which we all are, which what makes us so special.

But we see it as a negative. And then the last one would in that category is achievement addiction. So my worth as a human being depends on my achievements, intelligence, talent, status, income, or looks. That covers a lot of people, right? A lot of people.

And I can tell you, at least here in the United States, you know, if you're watching a TV show, there's a million ads about beauty and makeup and which moisturizer to use and getting plastic surgery and, you know, talking out of other people's talents and how successful— I mean, it's just in our face all day long, all day long. And if you don't have a good strong core belief, that you're gonna feel bad about yourself. I'm not achieving all those things. I'm not talented enough, right? I'm not smart enough.

I don't have status. I don't have enough money. I don't think I'm attractive enough. I mean, you know, lots and lots of things can fall under the achievement self-defeating belief. So one is that I must be perfect.

The other one is a perceived perfectionism, how other people see me, and then achievement addiction. That I have to have these things to have self-worth instead of just having self-worth. Cuz you're a lovable human being and you're here and anything else you do is just kind of like a cherry on the sundae, I say. So the second common self-defeating belief falls under love. So that's approval addiction.

I need everyone's approval to be worthwhile. I think a lot of people can relate to that one. There's love addiction. I can't feel happy and fulfilled without being loved. If I'm not loved, then life is not worth living.

Super common also. It's also something we see in books and again TV, wherever you live in the world, is, you know, love, love, love. You have to have someone in your life to love or else you won't be fulfilled, you won't be happy, you know. And you know, that's not true for everybody. Love is different.

It's not always having a partner. It can be having good friends, that type of thing. But this love addiction is, I can't feel happy and fulfilled without being loved, meaning having somebody in my life. Then all the people that are single and are having a hard time finding someone, they're gonna feel bad about themselves. And then when you feel bad about yourself, you probably aren't gonna attract a healthy person in your life, right?

Because you're not in a good place and we attract people in our lives based on where we are. So that's important to realize. And then the third one under the love category is fear of rejection. If you reject me, it proves that there's something wrong with me. If I'm alone, I'm bound to feel miserable and worthless.

Lots of people have fear of rejection, just being afraid of being rejected. A lot of people won't even put themselves out there, so they end up alone, which is what they're trying to avoid, right? And we want to, you know, change this self-defeating belief that, you know, I probably will be rejected and I'm going to reject others. I'm not going to like everyone I meet. I'm not going to want to have a relationship with everybody I meet.

Part of rejection, you know, is, is part of the process of meeting people and getting to know people and saying, is this somebody I want to spend time with?

And then if somebody else rejects you, it doesn't prove your self-worth. Cuz if you allow other people to define your self-worth, basically you're really screwing yourself over because not everybody's gonna wanna be with you. Not everybody's gonna wanna have a relationship with you, just like you're not gonna wanna have a relationship with everybody. And when you let others define who you are, you just give all your power away. So you can see where this just feeds this negative core belief.

So again, it's really powerful, you guys. It's a, it's at your core, I tell you. And it's a belief, which is even stronger than a thought. It's a belief. The next category Dr. Burns talks about is submissiveness.

So that would be being a people pleaser. I have a podcast on that, pleasing others. I should always try to please others even if I make myself miserable in the process. That makes me sad just saying out loud. That can fall under like codependency, you know, just putting others first all the time.

It Sounds nice. Oh, I put others first. Okay, well, let's have some balance, right? What are your motives? What's your intention?

Why are you putting others first? Because you feel less than? That's not a good reason. Sometimes we put others first. Sometimes we have to put ourselves first.

But pleasing others shouldn't define who you are and is what you need 24/7. Another one is conflict phobia. People who love each other should never fight or argue. Whoo, that's really an absolute statement. That's the problem with core beliefs too.

They're absolute. There's no shades of gray, right? Very black and white. So I'm not going to address any conflicts, which is ultimately going to cause a conflict, okay? Because if you're in a relationship, nothing's perfect.

It's, it's good to have conflicts, I think, you know, not screaming and yelling at each other, but it's okay to have a disagreement. Let's talk it through. This is my opinion, this is yours. Where can we meet halfway? Where can we compromise?

That's what a good relationship is all about, right? Compromising. So if someone's, you know, avoiding conflict, then again, it's going cause that problem. And then when something does come up and your partner's like, well, I never knew that was an issue because you never said anything, how can you blame me for, for not knowing? That we each have to take responsibility when we're in relationships and see that conflict can actually be a positive thing when it's handled correctly.

And the third one in this category is self-blame. So the problems in my relationships are bound to be my fault. It's all my fault, which again is going to say I'm not good enough, I can't bring up conflicts, I just have to do what they want. I'm just so— you know, you're living just in fear, fear, fear, fear. And you know, my mantra is you want to make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.

And fear is a feeling, right? And nobody wants to live in fear. And you know, people want to go out with somebody or be in a relationship with somebody that can be authentic and can be self-confident and, you know, feel good about themselves. That's attractive. Being a people pleaser really is not attractive.

And if it is, is you're with the wrong person. The next category is under demandingness. So that would be other blame. So this is the opposite. The problems in our relationship are all your fault, right?

So the self-defeating belief is, you know, I can, I'm not gonna take any responsibility. It's always someone else's fault, which what then makes you the victim, right? And when you're a victim, you don't change. And it's a horrible place to be, horrible place to be. Another one is entitlement.

You should always treat me in the way that I expect.

That's very self-righteous, right? Like I'm entitled to everything I want and that's all that matters. And the last one is truth, which what he's talking about here is that, you know, I'm right and you're wrong. So under this demandingness category, you're always blaming others, you're entitled, and you think you're always right. That's gonna probably create a lot a lot of loneliness in your life, which is not something I believe that you really want or are working towards.

The next one is under depression. So the self-defeating belief is hopelessness, meaning my problems could never be solved, I could never feel truly happy or fulfilled. That is depressing, right? Or worthlessness or inferiority. I'm basically worthless, defective, and inferior to others.

So That's going to keep you depressed. And again, who do you think you're going to attract in your life when you think you're worthless and defective and inferior? And I believe, you know, this— there's energy we put out when we're in the world and we want to meet people and have people attracted to us. And when you don't feel good enough about yourself, you're going to find someone that will either take advantage of that or also wants to be rescued. And because you don't feel good about yourself, oh, I can rescue this person.

They can think I'm wonderful and perfect and all these things. This is a great fit. Now I'm getting the love that I on. But it's not going to last in the long run because that's just not sustainable. And it's not going to truly change your core belief for you to feel that you're loved.

Because once there's a problem in the relationship, because you've done these behavioral strategies, right, by loving them and being the perfect partner and all those things, you're going to go right back to your core belief. And that's the problem that happens, that if we don't truly change our core beliefs, we just go back to them when, you know, something breaks in the relationship that we're trying to make And again, that's what it— that's what happens, that, you know, we don't know what our core beliefs are, so we have these behavioral strategies to make us feel better than we actually feel about ourselves because we're not even aware of it, right? Because subconscious. So I'm doing these strategies, hey, this works for a while, but then when it doesn't, I'm right back to, I'm, you know, worthless, I'm unlovable, I'm not good enough, I'm not perfect enough, all of these things I'm talking about. So these behavioral strategies that we really unconsciously create, we're just doing what we can trying to survive in our minds don't work long-term and they're very fragile.

The next category is under anxiety. There's a whole bunch of them here with the self-defeating beliefs. So the first one is emotional perfectionism. That means I should always feel happy, confident, in control. I always tell everybody when I'm around people that are happy 24/7, I kind of find them annoying.

And that's because I don't find them to be authentic. So remember, a lot of these ones I'm saying the word should here, right? Which is a cognitive distortion. The root word should is scold. We're scolding ourselves or maybe others.

So emotional perfectionism: I should always feel happy, confident, in control. That's a burden in itself because then I just can't be who really I am and share all my feelings, right? The next one is anger phobia. This is big for a lot of people. Anger is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

I have some of my clients, I'm like, why aren't you pissed off at this person or the situation? You know, sometimes it's okay to get angry. You don't need to act out on it and, you know, lash out. But it is a feeling, and it's okay to be angry. And a lot of times it's appropriate.

A lot of times it can motivate us to make change. A lot of times we grew up in homes where you weren't allowed to be angry, right? So it's very scary to go there. So again, that's why it's great to have a therapist, CBT therapist, to help you walk through all this and be able to address your beliefs, your thoughts, the feelings you have, and to be comfortable with, with all of your feelings, because that's what makes all of us who we are. The next one is emotophobia.

I should never feel sad, anxious, inadequate, jealous, or vulnerable. I should sweep my feelings under the rug and not upset anyone. You know, this reminds me when I say this one out loud about a lot of clients sharing how they had parents that never shared their feelings except maybe happy and angry, just those two feelings, right? Or not much at all. And so they weren't allowed to share their feelings either.

And they were told not to share their feelings. Don't feel sad or don't cry. If you're gonna do that, go behind your door. I don't wanna see it. A lot of people have heard that, right?

So what you learn, again, this is that long-term negative situation where you create these core beliefs, right? Is that, oh, I, I should never feel these bad feelings and definitely don't be vulnerable cuz that's gonna open me up to be attacked and make me feel bad about myself. So you're just not sharing anything and you're gonna feel very, I think, empty inside and very sad. Next one is Perceived narcissism: the people I care about are demanding, manipulative, and powerful. That creates a lot of anxiety.

And perceived narcissism is, you know, those areas of gray, you know. Are people in your life demanding, manipulative, and powerful, or is that what I tell myself so that I just feel bad about me? Or are some of these— maybe they're setting healthy boundaries and you don't know what that looks like, or you've never had that in your life, you know. Is— are they really demanding? Or are they again just having expectations that might be realistic, but you've always avoided that and you really don't know how to handle the situation.

So that could be one as well. Another one is brushfire fallacy, Dr. Burns calls, is where people are clones who all think alike. If one person looks down on me, the word will spread like brushfire and soon everyone will look down on me. So that's also what we call general overgeneralizing, right? You think one thing or one thing happens and it's all across the board, right?

Fire, like a brush fire, just with sparks, and just all of a sudden the whole, the whole town's on fire, right? So if this person thinks this way about me, everybody else is going to, so I can't be my real self. I can't let people get upset with me. So where do you go from there? How do you grow in your life?

You're not going to be able to. The other one is called Spotlight Fallacy, which is about talking to people makes you feel like you have to perform under a bright spotlight or on a stage. That, that is definitely anxious, right? Anxiety-provoking. If I don't impress people by being sophisticated, witty, or interesting, they won't like me.

So, and this comes up a lot with people with anxiety, right, that they always think they're in the spotlight. So this is regarding the self-defeating beliefs that I have to perform, I have to be a certain way, I have to impress people, right? Again, it's all— think about, you know, all this pressure. If this is how the way you believe about yourself, how self-defeating it is, right? It's all this pressure on me.

I'm performing, I have to have to be okay. People have to like me. It's like, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, that's really, really heavy. So I'm either going to do it or I'm just going to avoid people in my life and not be able to create the relationships I really do want, right? And this can be a message that you got growing up too, you know, our family needs to look honorable and respectful and don't do anything for anyone to judge us or look down on us.

You always have to look good. That could be maybe where that message came from. And the last one regarding anxiety self-defeating beliefs is magical thinking. If I worry enough, everything will turn out okay. I have that all the time too, right, with my clients, that, you know, they think if they worry about it, you know, I tell them you have this false sense of security, like, oh, if I worry about it, then I'll be prepared when it happens, right?

If I worry about it, I'll see it before it actually happens and I'll catch it. Gives you this self, you know, this false sense of control. And that's the self-defeating belief, because now I'm just gonna worry all the time, and it's my job to I have to worry and I have to catch it and I have to see it. And that if I worry enough, everything will turn out okay is just totally wrong. 'Cause think of times in your life when you did worry and things still didn't turn out okay.

'Cause you don't have control over other people, places, and things. I tell people all the time, the control you have is about yourself. So what you're worrying about, has it ever even happened? I have people that worry about something their whole life. And I say, well, have you ever experienced this?

No, never happened. You know, that's like health anxiety. Chasing, thinking I'm gonna be ahead of an illness that I'm gonna get diagnosed with if I'm on top of it. And then you just create more physical ailments 'cause you're worried all the time, right? So it's just not true that if you worry enough, everything will turn out okay.

'Cause what you're telling yourself, which is definitely the self-defeating belief, is that I have control over everything. And that is not true at all. And then there's one little smaller category called other, Dr. Burns talks about, which is low frustration tolerance, which is the self-defeating belief Self-defeating belief that I should never be frustrated. Life should be easy. Wow.

That's not true at all, right? Who said life should be easy? Some things are easy in life, but many things aren't. And the challenges in our life, I always remind my clients, you know, that that's how we grow and that's how we feel self-competent by dealing with the challenges in our life. So I have a low frustration tolerance if I don't think I should ever feel frustrated.

And the last The last one he talks about is Superman and Superwoman. I should always be strong and never weak. That one I see a lot with clients too, right? That, you know, if I cry, I'm weak.

If I ask for help, I'm weak. If I'm honest with my feelings and I'm saying I can't handle something, I'm weak, right? So I always have to be strong. I think, you know, we talk here about this, I should say, a lot with like women, right? That I have to be Superwoman.

I have to work, I have to have a career, I have to look good, I have to raise my family, be a good partner, you know, have the house clean, all the laundry folded and put away, have dinner on the table. Like, and women are starting to see like, that's just not possible, and I don't even want that. I don't want that, right? Because somewhere I'm gonna fail along the way and feel bad. And whoever said we have to be Superwoman or Superman, right?

That is a character in a movie. Leave it there, leave it in the theater, right? Pick the things that what you want to be good at, what's important to you, and work around all the other things, right? And create maybe a team in your life to get help where you can, and your partner and all those things, right? But the self-defeating belief that like, I have to have it all together, and then obviously that's not going to work.

And then people end up getting depressed and anxious and feeling bad about themselves and feeding into their negative core beliefs and creating new negative core beliefs. And we don't want to have new negative core beliefs because that's just going to cause more negative assumptions, you know, unhealthy behavioral strategies, and lots and lots of hot thoughts. And it just becomes this vicious cycle. So if you see a pattern in your life, if there's any of these you related to, you know, take a deeper dive in the Mind Over Mood book. Like I was saying, you can get, or you can read chapter 12, Core Beliefs.

My older podcast on core beliefs can be helpful. How can I start changing this? And it happens. It had, you know, I was able to change mine, you know, I don't believe that I'm bound to be abandoned anymore, right? And understanding where that came from and being able to heal was a game changer for me.

And that's something I really share with my clients. I wanna share with you cuz I want you to be able to figure out what are my negative core beliefs that are really holding me back in my life? Why do I have these negative relationships? Why do I put up with bad behavior with others? Most likely cuz I don't feel good about me and I think I have to, or I should.

I said a lot of shoulds when I was sharing all of these different common self-defeating beliefs.

And they revolve a lot around like depression, anxiety, shame, right? And none of these really serve us well. These are all different emotions that we can have in our lives, but we don't want it to be the overriding thing that determines, you know, our life path. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be loved and you deserve to be in a healthy relationship and to have the things in your life that you want and strive for. But you have to create that.

That's not, you know, others should do this for me, and then I'll feel good. I have to create the things in my life. The life that you have today is the life you created. You're not a victim. Most likely you're actually a survivor if you think about past experiences you've been through, right, that affect where you are today, right?

And I tell people, you know, people, oh, you're lucky this, you're lucky that. It's like, no, you know, the life you have, you've created. If you don't like the life you have, you've created, then we can create a new life and make changes. Changes, but you need to own it because that's the control you have. And when you can own it and see things differently, you can change those core beliefs and just open up your world in a whole nother way.

And it can be heavy, you know. I've also— I want to share this— I've told clients when they're working on their core beliefs, it can be very emotional to understand and really get like, wow, I really have this horrible belief about myself. That's sad in itself. And, you know, I've had clients, you know, that get overwhelmed, and I say, close the book, stop working on the exercise. You don't have to power through it.

Just identifying it is enough. And then, you know, go do something good for yourself, some kind of self-care, whatever that looks like. And then we can come back to it, and we can, you know, work on it little by little by little and chip away at it. So if it does feel overwhelming, that's totally normal. You know, let yourself cry, let yourself feel, because it could be years and years of this that you've been carrying around, and it's not going to change overnight.

But it, it will change, and we want to be consistent in changing that core belief to a positive core belief. And then everything else will just start making changes as well, and you're gonna have less, you know, hot thoughts and negative assumptions going on in your life. So it's really important important work. I hope that you can see how brave, courageous, and resilient you are. I know everyone listening, you're all brave, courageous, and resilient, and have had that at some point in your life.

And that's what we need to hold on to and keep going forward with it. And know that you also have the strength to address these self-defeating beliefs and to change your negative core beliefs into positive core beliefs. So I hope this was helpful. As always, share with anyone that you may feel will benefit from it. I love this work, so please send me questions.

I'd be happy to answer if you're wanting some more direction or not understanding something I shared today, or, or obviously give me some feedback. You know, you can find me on my website at mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com. There's a lot of good resources, information on my website, some videos I've done.

You can find me on Instagram under My CBT Podcast and Dr. Julie Osborn on Facebook and YouTube.

Please keep sharing your thoughts, your concerns, your questions. I love hearing from you.

Please hit the Subscribe button to make sure you never miss an episode.

And as always, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.