Episode #184

How To Support A Loved One With ADHD

Many people have a loved one with ADHD and would love to know how to better support and understand their loved one.

How can you understand the behaviors associated with ADHD?

How can you communicate effectively with your loved one?

How can you use CBT tools to find peace in your relationship?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as I share with you some highlights from June Silny’s fantastic article “20 things to remember if you love a person with ADHD.”

Click on the link in our bio to listen now!

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, and welcome to My CBT Podcast. This is Dr. Julie. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a licensed clinical social worker specializing in cognitive-behavioral therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

Thanks for being with me.

I hope everybody's doing well. I'm gonna start off by sharing an email that I think was really helpful, and as always, I enjoy receiving from a listener.

It says,

“Hi, Dr. Julie. I just wanted to let you know how much your episode on panic, number 7, meant to me. I've been working on some anxiety issues related to my health, and yesterday I was at home alone and I had a panic attack triggered by a few things.

“Fortunately, I had just started listening to your show, 'cause I've been starting to dive into CBT as a way to get better, and I've really appreciated your take on things. I remembered I listened to the panic episode earlier in the week, So after a walk around the block, I listened to it again and it really helped me to settle down. I'm still feeling a bit shaky and raw today, but that episode was instrumental in helping me start to feel better. Thank you again for all you do.”

So thanks again for that email, and my intention is to get the CBT information out to you guys so you can use it when you need it.

And that's exactly what this listener did. So that's really great. So today I wanted to talk about a subject I think all of us will relate to on some level. Um, and I'm going to talk about if you have someone in your life who has ADHD. So I've done 2 episodes on ADHD.

I did one, part 1, just sharing what it is, different types of ADHD. And then part 2, um, I was very appreciative, and my daughter Molly, who has ADHD, allowed me to interview her. And that podcast has been a game changer for people. I've had many parents reach out to me and wanted me to thank Molly for talking with me and, you know, getting pretty raw and sharing her experience because they felt like they finally understood their kid for the first time. I think the challenge is when you don't have ADHD and you really don't understand, it can be very frustrating.

So Years ago, I found an article called 20 Things to Remember If You Love a Person with ADHD. And it's a really great article. I hand it out to my clients just for them to understand. And it was written by June Silny. So I wanna give credit where credit is due.

And I'm gonna just share, um, her article with you guys today, and I think it's gonna be really helpful. Um, it can be a great way to start a conversation with someone who has ADHD. And maybe if you're the one who has ADHD, this might be a great podcast to share with others that get frustrated with some of your behaviors or how you respond to things that just don't really understand. And it is a real thing. It isn't an excuse people use.

I know a lot of people thought people are being overdiagnosed, but it's, it's ADHD is a real thing. And it needs to be treated with compassion and love for the person who's struggling. But there's ways to also, you know, have healthy boundaries and to communicate it about it so it doesn't hurt your relationships. Because it is hard when you don't have these symptoms being with someone that does. And that's what me and my, my daughter talked about.

Our struggle is I'm like complete opposite of ADHD. And it was really hard for me to truly understand and to be able to support her, which really caused problems in our relationship. And we've worked through a lot, thank goodness. But, you know, it was a hard time, you know, kind of like the article says, like I didn't know what to say to her. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, you know, I was unsure what was going to set her off emotionally with me.

If I said the wrong thing, and then I would just try to avoid, which wasn't good either. I'm just going to let it go, let it go. And that's not healthy for her, and it wasn't healthy for me. And when you avoid behaviors with someone else, you just keep lowering your expectations, and you actually end up enabling the situation. So there's lots of issues that are going on, and you have to understand that people with ADHD are suffering as well.

Their life is more difficult. Than the average person. Everything to them feels intense and magnified emotionally. They can be brilliant. There are so many successful people, you can look this up, that have ADHD, that have, have great lives, great careers.

You know, they're always creating in their minds, designing, they're thinking. They really don't rest, which can be very frustrating. And for them, if you could imagine what it would feel like to just be always thinking, thinking, thinking, and your mind just never stopping. You know, you just want to be able to relax, be able to go to sleep. It's really, really challenging.

You know, people with ADHD can have emotional outbursts and have really extreme emotional situations that are just so opposite from one minute to the next. And a lot of this can end up being harmful to relationships that they're in. And because there's such extremes, there's still a lot of kind of mystery to like what's going on. And you think that you understand and something different happens. So for instance, when it comes to concentration, which is I think what we hear about most, like we can't concentrate, I can't focus, that people with ADHD do have a hard time concentrating, especially when they're emotional or when their thoughts get distracted.

By being maybe overwhelmed, too much stimuli. But when they're interested in a specific topic, they are zoned in. It's like they got tunnel vision and it's actually hard to distract them from that. Right? So if they're starting a project, for example, stopping it can be an even bigger challenge than it was to start it.

So, you know, you're like, well, you can't concentrate, but now I can't get you, you know, off something else. You know, so that's again where we just don't understand and we get frustrated and the empathy isn't there. So we want to show love no matter what, whether it's your child, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your spouse, or maybe soon-to-be spouse. The ADHD can test the relationships, and the best way for you to have more peace is for you to learn the mindset and new ways to deal with the emotional roller coaster that can happen sometimes that brings things all day, every day, um, can be really challenging. So, you know, as I'm saying this out loud, it's not like every day you're, you know, pulling your hair out of your head, that, you know, there are a lot of good days, a lot of good times, but when things do happen, it can kind of throw you off.

You think, oh, I thought everything was okay, and all of a sudden we're fighting, and it can happen super quick. So I'm going to talk about these 20 things. There's a lot of stuff here, but when I read this, it was like, oh, okay, that makes sense to me. I can get that. I can work with that.

Because at the core, especially since Molly's my child, you know, I wanted her to feel loved and accepted and understood, but also I was going to have some boundaries just as a person within a relationship, right? So that's, that's the, that's the gray. There's no black and white here, right? That's balancing out and having healthy relationships. And how I used my CBT tools along the way and still do today.

So the number— so the first thing in the article, number 1, is that they have an active mind. Somebody with ADHD, their brain doesn't stop. There's no on or off switch. They don't have breaks. It's a burden that one must learn to manage.

It doesn't necessarily go away. Some people, and I don't have the stats for you, they say will outgrow it by their adulthood.

I really haven't met anyone that has in my practice or personally. I've now met someone that said, "Oh yeah, I used to have that and now it's gone." So it's just that it's become more manageable. And as you mature and your brain develops even more, you find ways to manage and understand yourself more. But they have a really active mind. Number 2 is they listen but don't always absorb what's being said.

So they may look at you, they may hear what you're saying, they may watch your lips move, but after the first 5 words, their mind is on another journey. They can still hear you, but their thoughts are not focusing on what you're saying.

And that can be, you know, frustrating, right? You're like, I just shared this with you, what do you mean you didn't remember what I said? Or why is it so hard for you to focus? So even though they're listening, don't assume they're absorbing what you say. This is where I'd use some good communication skills and just say, hey, can you repeat back to me what I just shared with you?

Can you repeat back to me, you know, what I need you to do, or what time your appointment is? That type of thing. And then you can, you know, clarify and inquire, you know, did you hear me? And if not, we can go over it. They also have a difficulty staying on task.

So instead of keeping focus on what's in front of them, They may be, you know, thinking about something they did yesterday, or, you know, something that's in their vision that may distract them, a picture or something like that. They can start in one direction but keep changing directions to find the way out of a problem or a situation. So, can I— again, if you're not something that— somebody that struggles with this, you can think, wow, that, you know, that's really difficult, right? When you don't have ADHD, like for me, I pick a task, I focus on it, I get it done. I'm not perfect by any means, but you know, I don't get so distracted.

I can, you know, start at A and finish at Z. And people with ADHD can get really frustrated with themselves too. They're not just like, well, whatever, that's just me. They get frustrated. You know, again, if you listen to my other podcast, it'll talk more about it affects them personally, but they do have difficulty staying on task.

And they become anxious easily, which gets missed a lot. So as deep thinkers, they're sensitive to whatever is going on around them. If they're in a noisy restaurant, for example, um, that can be really hard to focus and concentrate, um, and hear what the other person's saying and, you know, be reading something like, say, the menu and not really absorbing the information.

They can also read a little negative news article and to them it could be like the end of the world. So it can get really exaggerated, again due to feeling overwhelmed really easily.

Also, they really have a hard time concentrating when they're emotional. So if there's something that they're worried about or if they're upset, they cannot think of anything else. And this makes the concentration at work, a conversation, or in social situations almost impossible.

They also can concentrate too intensely, as I mentioned earlier. So when the doors of their mind open, they dive into a really deep place, and like I said, it's kind of like that tunnel vision. Um, I think this is a good example. A lot of people with ADHD um, like video games, because video games are constant stimuli— stimulation. You don't get bored because if you don't pay attention, you're going to die, right?

So I've had a lot of parents be like, oh my God, my kid plays video games all day long. And I'm like, well, have you ever had them tested for ADHD? That's something to look at, right? Or nowadays with the phone, a lot of people are— a lot of people are addicted to the phone. Doesn't mean they have ADHD, but if it's that constant, constant, constant, they can't seem to put it down, you know, that can be part of that where they their minds, they can get bored easily and quickly, and they can over-concentrate, and it can be really intense.

So that's something else that can happen. They also have difficulty stopping a task when they are in that zone. They can stay there for hours, right? Even if they're feeling exhausted, they keep going and going and going.

They also have a really hard time regulating their emotions. I think this is a big one. I think it's a big one, especially with parents and kids. And if you don't understand what's going on, you just don't understand why their emotions are all over the place. Um, and it can be out of proportion to the situation.

Um, kind of like the wires getting messed up in their brains make their thoughts and feelings really difficult to process and they need extra time to get their systems up and running again. So if, you know, I was to say, you know, to one of my kids like, what are you thinking right now? And they're unable to regulate their emotions, you know, We're probably going to have a fight and they're going to start yelling at me and be like, I don't know, leave me alone. I just want to be alone. I don't want to talk right now.

And, you know, they need time to regulate their emotions so you can have that conversation. So that's super important to understand as well. They also can have verbal outbursts, so their intense emotions are really hard to regulate. Sometimes they'll impulsively say whatever they think. A lot of times they say things that later they regret.

It's almost impossible for them to edit their words before they release them sometimes because they're just reacting off their emotions. Again, this is where CBT comes in, right? For them to be able to learn the tools to breathe and pause. I know I'm getting really upset right now. I just need to step back.

I need to step away. I just need to go to my room. I'm going to give myself a timeout. These are tools that they can learn that CBT holds for them. Holds for you, for all of us, that we can learn for them to use and for us to use with them.

A lot of people have social anxiety that have ADHD, and they feel uncomfortable knowing that they are different. People with ADHD often uncomfortable in social situations. They're afraid they'll say something foolish or react inappropriately, and just not doing anything feels safer to them.

They're also deeply intuitive. On the surface, you can't really tell, but they really see beyond what's going on with other people. It's the most enjoyable aspect of ADHD, they say, and this really inspirational trait is what makes their creativity— and some geniuses and inventors and artists and musicians and writers really thrive in this zone with that deep intuitiveness that they feel. They also think out of the box, which is another wonderful aspect, because they think differently. Their abstract mind sees solutions to problems that the concrete thinker cannot see.

That's me, I'm more concrete. So I would say my daughter is super creative, um, very artistic, and, um, you know, sees things in a bigger way than I do. So I have to step back and kind of allow that to happen and have that conversation, not just think my way is the right way.

They can be impatient and fidgety as well. They can get annoyed very easily and they want things to happen immediately. Again, they can be playing with their phones, twirling with their hair, bouncing their leg up and down. A lot of times they feel like they need this constant motion. Because it actually calms them down when they're more constant.

So like I said, somebody shaking their leg or playing with their hair, things like that, you know, their body's like— their brain's moving and their body feels like it needs to move also. A lot of times people with the ADHD also can be physically sensitive.

Things can feel really heavy in their hands. Fibers in their fabric that most people wouldn't feel can be itchy. Beds can feel more bumpy, food can have textures.

So a lot of times, you know, some parents will not understand, like, you know, I can't wear this shirt or these pants are bothering me, or can be really particular about foods. And you wouldn't think that has anything to do with ADHD because again, we just think about not being able to focus and concentrate, right? But it's much broader than that, much broader than that. They really struggle with being organized.

You know, there can just be piles of papers, piles of clothes. You know, once they complete a task, all those papers that they use again can be in a pile where they stay there until they grow too big. That's when people with ADHD become overwhelmed, frustrated, and they have to be careful to not become hoarders as well because it's hard for them to let go of things and keep things in order. 'Cause it doesn't, their brain's not functioning in an orderly manner. So I know a lot of times that, you know, I would go into my daughter's room and say, hey, I'm gonna help you clean up.

And she's like, oh my God, it's gonna take all day. And I'm like, no, we can do this in an hour. Right? And that was my brain that I could see boom, boom, boom. And for her it was so overwhelming, she just didn't do it.

So she never had the intention of getting her room like that. And she really loves it when it gets organized and it's clean. It's like, oh, this is great, and her brain likes it. But then it goes right back to that. So that's the frustration that, you know, they have good intentions and they want things organized, but their brain doesn't work like that, and they just end up back where they were.

And so that's why you can also learn tools on how to be organized, right? So people with ADHD, you know, if you have file folders and if you have tabs And if in your bedroom, you should have, not should, it would be recommended to have, you know, a closet organizer so you know where things go. So you're not just throwing things in there or shoving things under the bed. You know, I know there's so many stories I hear from parents especially of like, I can't even see the floor. You know, it's school and we can't find a clean pair of underwear to put on.

Like it's just, and it's so frustrating and everybody's frustrated. 'Cause everybody wants it better, right? Everybody wants it better. And we don't wanna get into these fights. And again, it's not just parent and child, it's partners.

I've had partners come in and say their husband or wife who have whatever partner in their life is ADHD and they're so frustrated and they don't wanna keep picking up after them. And you know, all of these things that we're talking about. So it's in all relationships.

Also, they talk about that they need space to pace. So if they're talking on the phone or having a conversation, a lot of times people with ADHD think better when they're in motion. So movement is very calming and helps them have more clarity in their thinking. So that's really, you know, instead of like, just sit down and have the conversation, they may need to move and we need to respect that and understand. They also tend to avoid tasks, right?

So making decisions or completing a task on time is a real struggle. Being on time can be a real struggle, not because they're lazy or irresponsible, because their minds are full of options and possibilities, right? So I'm going back to not, you know, that they're not lazy or irresponsible. That's the, that's the real crux that I see, as I saw as a parent, I see as a therapist, is, you know, what most people miss is people with ADHD, because they struggle with so many things, and other people don't understand what's going on, that they end up having very low self-esteem and they feel really bad about themselves. Especially kids in school, you know, they're seeing like they're smart, like this has nothing to do with intelligence.

So they're smart and they see their friends sit down, say it's a test, and everyone's just going along and marking the boxes and they're just staring at the paper because they just can't get their, their thoughts clear. And then they think, I'm not smart. Right? I'm stupid. Everybody else is smarter than me.

They get better grades. They can just do the tasks that the teachers ask them. So they personalize it when it's really not about their intelligence, but their self-esteem gets crushed. And I talk to parents about all that all the time, that you need to understand that and not be so focused on the grades, because having good self-esteem and self-worth is going to get you a lot farther in life than whatever your GPA is. And I believe that 100%.

100%.

Another thing they really struggle with is they can't remember simple tasks. So another paradoxical trait of ADHD is their memory. So they can't remember to pick up their clothes at the cleaners, milk at the grocery store, or appointments. On the other hand, they remember every comment, quote, and phone number they heard during the day, right? No matter how many Post-its or calendar reminders, they get distracted and their mind is elsewhere.

So that's why they have 15 windows open on their desktop. I only laugh because I know I can see, I'll be like, why don't you close all those? And she's like, leave me alone. So again, this is all my daughter's grown up now and she's on her own doing great. But these are my memories of us growing up.

And you know, I'm like, oh, I'm done with that. I'm going to close it up. But there's just so much going on all the time that it's hard to remember the simple tasks, appointments, all of those kind of things.

And they have many tasks going on at the same time. So because their minds are so active all the time, once they do finish a task, they're ready to move on to the next one without closing up the prior tasks. So the more going on at once, the better for them. Multitasking is one of their favorite activities, but it doesn't mean that they're doing it well, right? They might say, oh yeah, I'm doing well, I know where everything is, don't touch my stuff, but it's still clutter and it's still chaos.

And, and I know I'm saying this professionally, and there's research on it and books written that when you live in clutter, it is not good for your brain, even if you think you're fine, okay? Because it's rare that I've ever met someone that once they clean up their space, or someone even helps them. Even if you watch those hoarder shows, right, the, the people are so happy when someone comes in and walks them through cleaning up their house and they get everything, and they're like genuinely happy, like, oh my God, this is so great, right? And then they go back and start hoarding again, right? Or like I said, we clean up the room and it's a mess again.

Or, you know, I think I know where everything is, but they're looking at clutter in their room. They can't see the floor, right? Or they walk into their office, there's a million papers. It really isn't good for any of our brains, and it's hard to convince anybody of that, and sometimes they have to learn on their own, but that is a fact. So it's really important to learn ways to be more organized.

We're not looking for perfection, just some progress, and that's really important. And one of the greatest things I would say with people with ADHD is how passionate they are about everything they do. So their emotions, their thoughts, their words, all of the CBT stuff we talk about, right? And what they touch is really powerful because everything is magnified. And when they can focus properly, it can be a gift in their life.

When they do something, they do it with their heart and soul, and they give it all they got. They're intense, they're perceptive, and they're deep. And this quality is what makes a person with ADHD so lovable. If you can give yourself time to really get to know who they are and understand what's going on, you will find that love and that patience. Again, it's not perfection.

Sometimes we might be a little impatient, but we can get there. And we can remind, you know, who is this person standing in front of us? There's somebody we love, somebody we want to support, somebody we have to understand well.

So in this article, they talk about that basically a person with ADHD has trouble controlling their impulses, but they also have many awesome qualities that you can enjoy once you understand how they think and feel. Compassion, empathy, and patience will carry you through the most difficult times, but it's also important to take extra good care of yourself Take time alone, do what you enjoy, good self-care, maybe even find a support group or find other people that have someone in their life with ADHD where you can talk about this. Also going to therapy, finding a compassionate friend, um, you know, finding ways for you to meditate, you having your own hobbies, your own passion, learning how to breathe, knowing when to take a timeout. So I've learned over the years how to manage my relationship with others that have ADHD and to be able to recognize and to have realistic expectations. But took me some time.

Like I said, if you listen to the podcast with me and Molly, you know, we were definitely buttheads for a while. And if I could do things differently, which I think I shared on that podcast, I would have done things differently. But You know, people have their own expectations, and, um, you know, they, they come in with like, this is the way I want it to be, and not think about who's the person that's here in front of me and what's the best way for me to support myself and to support that person.

And as I said before, if you do some research, kind of fun, but some of the greatest inventors and artists and entrepreneurs and musicians And writers have ADHD, and they succeeded because they had a loved one just like you supporting them through their daily struggles. So if you can replace your anger and frustration with compassion and realize that they struggle to do what comes easy to you— so true— think of the ADHD brain as one with electrical wiring with the wrong circuits. That can be a way of thinking about what is going on. I know this person is super smart. I know this person wants to be able to reach their goals.

Why are they struggling? And do not ever think that they're lazy. Don't think they're irresponsible or that they're wanting to avoid responsibilities. Just try to remember how hard they have to work, how extra hard to to just achieve a simple task sometimes.

So when you can understand the burden they're carrying, your heart will start to open up. Your love and your compassion can replace the anger and the frustration and even the hurt that you feel, and you'll be able to see them for who they are, which is what we all want, right? Whether you have ADHD or not, We all want to be seen for who we are. We don't want to be made to feel less than, unloved, not good enough, right? Because this is one aspect of them.

You know, I tell everybody, you know, whatever your diagnosis is, you don't want to get attached to it. It's one aspect of you. Yes, they have ADHD, but that is not all of who they are.

And that's what you want to remember. And you want to be mindful not to get caught up in just expecting things to go bad, right? Or again, having those negative thoughts. These were all your CBT tools are going to come in, right? What am I thinking right now before I even interact with this person?

Or now that I have interacted, what am I thinking negatively about that they didn't get the task done, or they forgot our appointment, or they're late, or whatever it is that is the behavior that you recognize. And let me do a thought record on that so I can have more balanced thinking. Sure, I'm frustrated that they're late to our appointment, but they did text me along the way and I know their intention was to be here on time and I know they struggle, right? So in the future, if we're gonna make appointment about something, what's, you know, maybe let's set the time a little earlier. Um, if it's something, you know, um, not super important, let's have some flexibility.

Let's have a conversation with them about it. You know, I know you want to join me in doing this activity we're going to do. What's going to work best for you so you're not stressed that even if you are 10, 15 minutes late, it's still going to work for us. It's not going to affect the whole, you know, we're not going to miss the boat, as they say. So, you know, have conversations.

Don't walk on eggshells. You know, don't hold back. I learned all these things the hard way. And you can have conversations when you show that love and compassion and empathy, but also again, have your own boundaries and your own self-care in place and be able to have these conversations. And you can really make it work and beautiful things can come from it.

So I hope this was helpful. Um, again, I just work with a lot of clients. With ADHD. I work with a lot of clients that have people in their life with ADHD. And I think most of us, like I was way back in my day, was not educated on what it was, what it looked like, what it meant.

I just heard like all the typical stuff, like I said earlier, that you hear, you know, about, you know, not concentrating, being forgetful, maybe losing things a lot. Like, I needed to know more and go more in depth and learn how to help my daughter. You can learn how to help your kids, yourself, people in your life, that there's a lot of stuff. I know, you know, medicine is definitely can be a game changer, but there's a lot of behavioral, a lot of cognitive behavioral tools that can really, really help people with ADHD. So I really encourage you to pursue that, even if it's, if you don't have ADHD, but you have someone in your life, tell, you know, say, hey, here's a podcast I want you to listen to.

Again, listen to Dr. Julie's, you know, part 1 and part 2 on ADHD. We're going to learn a lot. Let's learn together, you know. Let me help figure out how I can help you and vice versa. You know, it doesn't have to be a negative thing in our lives.

We can work with it just like lots of other things we all work with in our lives. So I hope it was helpful. I'm guessing you can tell I have a lot of feelings about this because this is an experience I had in my life. And again, um, you know, once you know better, you do better. And that's what I'm trying to express to all of you, like, let's just do better with each other.

So again, please share this with anyone that you might find, uh, may benefit from it. You guys know how you can find me on my website at mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com.

You can also find me on Instagram under My CBT Podcast, Dr. Julie Osborn on Facebook and TikTok.

Again, I wanted to give credit one more time for this great article. If you wanna look this up online, you can find it as well. 20 Things to Remember If You Love a Person with ADHD by June Silny, S-I-L-N-Y.

So please keep sharing your thoughts, your concerns, your questions. I love hearing from you and getting your feedback. Please hit the subscribe button to make sure you never miss an episode. And this also helps get the information out to more people with more subscribers.

And as always, make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.