Episode #194

Aging, Dying & CBT

As we get older, we often worry about aging, changing personal appearance, relationships, loneliness, medical issues, and dying.

How can you learn to accept life’s later chapters with peace?

How can CBT tools help you reframe these fears?

Join me, Dr Julie Osborn, as we examine this topic that brings a lot of distress to people, to help you make meaningful choices in your day-to-day.

Click to listen now!

Full Episode Transcript

Hi, welcome to my CBT podcast. This is Dr. Julie. I'm a Doctor of Psychology and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. I'm here to help you bring the power of CBT into your own life.

So welcome and thanks for being with me today.

I hope everybody's doing well, taking good care of yourself, practicing your CBT tools. I'm going to talk today about Aging and dying through the lens of CBT is what I'm calling it. So let's get going because I got a lot to cover with you guys. I thought this would be a good topic. It comes up a lot.

I see people coming into my office that are aging, have medical issues, worrying about life and death, what their future is going to look like. Some people are okay with aging, some aren't. So I thought, you know, Let's see how CBT can help us get through those different stages in our life, because with the tools, they can really make a bigger difference. Right? And think about that, you know, learning to accept life's later chapters with some peace and meaning and emotional freedom will make it all a little easier.

My mom used to say she heard someone said that ‘Aging isn't for sissies.’ Which is very true, very true! So let's talk about aging and dying, you know, human experiences, right? For everybody, something is going to happen to all of us, and it can bring up some of our deepest fears as well. So you might worry about losing your health, you might worry about losing your independence, how you look, certain relationships, and a sense of purpose.

And, you know, fear of the unknown is a big issue for a lot of people, right? The unknown, the uncertainty is what really creates anxiety for all of us. You might regret choices you've made in the past, and you might just struggle with the realization that your time's limited. You know, things can change in a day. I've experienced that, and, you know, it can bring up a lot of concerns, but hopefully it can make you think differently about your life and How you're living it today and how do you want to live it.

That's what I'm going to talk about today as well, right? And so your CBT tools can help you change how you relate to your fears. I'm not asking you to be in denial, you know, because the reality of aging, um, is real. I'm not asking you to convince yourself that death is nothing to fear either. That is not my message.

Instead, I want you to help identify your hot thoughts that intensify your distress. And create more balanced thoughts. Like I talk to you guys about all the time, a more balanced perspective so we can all make more meaningful choices in the life we have today. That is really what I want you to get to, is, you know, the choices I am making, do they make meaning to me? Are they important?

Am I doing them for myself? Am I doing them for others, right? What's my intention here? And do I feel good about the choices I'm making? Because I want to live a full life and feel good about my life.

You know, I ask a lot of my clients when they ask about certain things, you know, I say, you know, on your deathbed, would you be happy that you stayed in this relationship? Would you be happy that you stayed at that job? Would you be happy that you missed out on maybe vacations with your family? Instead, you worked. Like, those are things to ask yourself.

And usually, you know, people can answer those in about 2 seconds. So just a little question you can always ask yourself. So let's first talk about understanding your fears associated with aging and dying, right? So let's remember, you know, the fear is a feeling, a mood, right? And it's only created by the way that you're thinking, right?

So the first one I'm going to address was, or is, you know, fear of physical decline, right? Your body changing. So you might have a hot thought that, you know, my body is falling apart, or I won't be able to do anything for myself. That can create a lot of anxiety about the future, even when we don't know what our future health will be, right? So you can have— I've had injuries that I've had to change, you know, my whole workout.

Like, I used to do spin class, loved it, loved it, loved it. I had a whole community there. Then I had an injury. I had to totally give that up. And that's when I went to swimming, which I love too.

But, you know, I was like— I remember that day. I mean, I left that room, the spin class, just crying. Just knowing I could not do this anymore. So, and that was a long time ago when I was younger. So, you know, things are going to change in all different aspects.

This podcast today is not just if you're a senior citizen, this is for any age. You know, all of us have health issues at all different ages and we can have those fears about dying and death and how we're going to age and what it looks like. So the fear of the physical decline is a, is a really big deal. But it is a hot thought that your body's falling apart because you have one issue, right? It's a hot thought.

I won't be able to do anything for myself because we don't even know what the future looks like. Another huge fear is any type of loss and feeling lonely, which is a big issue already in our world. People are very, very lonely in our world, whether they're by themselves, or sometimes you can be with someone else and still feel very lonely. Right? But you also might worry about losing a spouse, friends, family members, you know, and the social roles that gave your life meaning, right?

Whatever the roles were or your career, you know, what's that going to look like? A lot of people worry that they're running out of time. They have the hot thought that it's too late to start over or that you wasted so much of your time. It can lead to feeling regretful, feeling sad, and then feeling this sense of urgency like, oh, I have to do it all now. Right?

It's just going to just make you feel anxious. But running out of time, you know, when things happen, I think when people really face death, possibly through some health issues, or maybe, you know, they were in a horrible car accident and they survived, other people didn't, you know, that can make you feel like, you know, I'm running out of time, I have to do something different. So you always want to, you know, pause and breathe. Let's get a good perspective before we make some huge, you know, life decisions. Also, of course, the fear of death and the unknown.

Right. Questions people always say, you know, well, what happens after death? Some people have a spiritual faith-based belief. A lot of people don't. We worry if we're going to suffer.

How many people have said to you, I just want to die in my sleep? I mean, I'm raising my hand right now, right? But how— what's it going to be like? And what does it mean to our lives, you know, ending? How does that provoke that anxiety?

And let me say, I'm not here to completely help you resolve feeling any anxiety about this, right? But we can have more balanced thoughts so it doesn't control our life today, because today we are alive and we can make really good choices for ourselves, right? I want to say too, you know, just having these fears doesn't mean you have some psychological problem. We're not here to diagnose anything. It's really understandable that when there is uncertainty, When there's change and when you're thinking about the importance on how you are living your life and what that means to you today.

Totally normal. Totally normal. We may even have these fears because someone close to us died, right? And we start thinking, wow, they were younger than I thought they were going to be when they passed away. Or that happened fast.

I didn't see that coming. They didn't— maybe didn't see it coming, right? I mean, things happen quickly for some people. So there's lots of reasons this can You know, trigger these thoughts and concerns, but it is totally understandable. So let's talk a little bit more about how you can use your CBT tools to respond to your fears, possibly on aging and dying, right?

So it's always going to come back to doing our thought records, right? Because our CBT teaches us that, you know, our emotional reactions, right, our moods are fully influenced by the way we think. But also the circumstances that we're going through, the situation and the meaning we attach to them, right? I just want to go over that for a minute because the meaning— and like with the fall record, I say write down the situation, who, what, when, and where did it happen, who was there, what was going on. You know, the meaning that you attach to your circumstance or your situation is, is major.

That's the first place to start because some people You know, are at a place with death where they're like, well, you know, it's part of life, it's the circle of life, things happen. Not that it's not sad, but they really have some more peace with it. And other people are like, oh my God, that's the worst thing that could have happened. Why are only the good people dying? Why are all these horrible people still alive?

I hear people say that too, you know, things like that. So the circumstances, you know, the way you think about the situation and the meaning you attach to it, you know, Can be the game changer on how you're feeling about the whole thing. And you know, we have to respect how people maybe get more sad or more upset than maybe you do, right? But it's not that anybody's right or wrong; it's just how you see things. So that's a big deal.

So let me give you an example, right? So you notice that you have less energy than you did, say, 10 years ago, right? Or is that you know extra energy I used to wake up with and jump out of bed? So you might have a hot thought that, you know, I'm getting old and things are only going to get worse from here. So maybe you feel sad, maybe you feel some anxiety, you might feel some helplessness because you don't know how to change things, and maybe even a little hopelessness, right?

Some really strong moods here, right? And we want to look for the evidence that things are only going to get worse from here, right? First of all, I don't know what the future holds unless I got a crystal ball, which I don't. Right? That I don't really have any evidence that things are going to get worse from here.

I also can think about, I've been in some really bad physical situations, right? I've had surgeries, I've had injuries, and I've always healed from them and gotten better and found a new way to adjust. Right? So a good balanced thought might be that, you know, my body's changing. And sure, I might face some limitations, but I don't know exactly what the future is going to hold for me.

And there's still lots of things I can do to care for myself. I can enjoy my relationships and I can experience pleasure. That's my balance thought, right? How can I take care of myself knowing things could happen? So partly I want to be ready for them, but also I want to find other ways to enjoy myself and my life and not limit myself just because I can't do this one thing, right?

Because I'm getting older. And then, you know, instead of withdrawing or worrying about the future, you know, I'm gonna again do things that fit the abilities I have today. You know, maybe I'm gonna go reach out and contact a friend I thought I haven't seen in a long time, right? Or maybe I even just go to get your medical checkup, right? That's something you can do differently.

I've talked to a lot of clients that I'm like, when's the last time you saw your doctor? When's the last time you got some blood work? And I encourage them to go get these tests so we See if there's anything to address, or sometimes you get great news. You're like, "I'm all good," right? So there's so much that you have control over, and I want you guys to really focus on that instead of having this fear of the unknown.

And I just have to wait and see what's going to happen.

So again, I'm you know I'm not saying that aging is easy. I'm not like, "Oh, let's just pretend everything's fine." Not at all, right? But the balanced thought can replace this catastrophic thinking. These predictions that you make, right? And then it makes it more realistic and you can have a better perspective to bring those negative moods down, maybe even eliminate it, and be able to go through your day and enjoy it instead of living in this fear.

So I want to talk a little bit about, too, about some cognitive distortions. I've talked about this in other podcasts. These were created by Dr. David Burns. He's got a whole list of 10. I'm not going to go through all of them.

But I'm going to just talk about some of them and give you some examples, right? Because CBT can help you recognize, you know, these cognitive distortions, this way of thinking, almost a habit that can just make all these experiences more frightening to you. So let's first— one of the cognitive distortions is catastrophic thinking. So an example might be, you know, getting older will be unbearable, right? And a more balanced thought would be that Um, there may be difficult changes, but I can respond to them one at a time.

Okay, that makes it a little easier, so I'm not catastrophizing. Another one is fortune telling, right? So that's where I'm— that's that crystal ball I talked about, right? What's the future going to look like? So maybe your hot thought would be that I'm going to end up alone and dependent.

That's a horrible thought, right? A more balanced thought would be that, you know, I can't know exactly what's going to happen, But I'm going to strengthen my relationships and I'm going to plan for future needs. That makes me feel better saying that out loud, right? Just having more control. Another cognitive distortion is all-or-nothing thinking.

That's the black and white, right? So maybe my thought is, you know, if I can't do what I used to do, my life is diminished. Not true. A better thought might be that, you know, some of my abilities may change, but I have other things that I can do to bring me joy. And still have meaning in my life, right?

Again, that was my example. I went from my spin classes to swimming. It's all good. It's worked out. You know, you're only gonna limit yourself in your mind if you're like, well, I can't do that, so I can't do anything.

Not true. There's some other things I can't do also, but I'm okay with that. And I find other ways to still enjoy myself and work out and spend time with my friends. And I might not be able to take hikes, but I can go take a walk. Yeah.

Know, things like that. Shades of gray, shades of gray.

We also can have a cognitive distortion of regretful thinking or self-blame, right? So you might say to yourself, you know, I should have lived differently, right? I should have started taking care of myself earlier. I should have went to the doctor years ago, right? Instead, you might say, you know, I did make decisions, you know, with the resources and the understanding I had at the time.

And I can learn from my past without punishing myself, right? Punishing yourself is going to get you nowhere. It's going to, you know, steal you of the moment, of the day, of the joy that you could have in your life right now, right? So maybe you did make some decisions based on what you understood at the time. A lot of people don't realize, you know, why going to the doctor, why following up, why doing certain things really makes a difference years down the road.

Right? When you're young and feeling good, you go, I'm fine, I don't need to do that. Well, it's about now, but it's also about years down the road. So, you know, it's a much bigger perspective you want to have about that. If you're regretting, then maybe you haven't taken good care of yourself.

Another cognitive distortion is emotional reasoning. So an example of that is, you know, you might say, you know, I feel frightened, so aging must be terrible, right? Because I give it this label. And I reason with the emotion that I'm having. So I'm— my emotion is feeling frightened, so I'm thinking that aging is going to be terrible.

So really, I could tell myself instead that, you know, my fear is real, but it does not tell me the whole story and about what lies ahead, right? Just because I'm a little nervous about it doesn't mean that it's going to be a bad thing. I'm feeling nervous because of my distorted Thoughts, my distorted cognitions, my hot thoughts, all that stuff. Remember, you want to remember that. And the last example I want to give you is just demanding certainty.

I need to know what happens after death before I can find peace. That's really going to put you in a bad corner, right? I need to know what happens. That is not possible. After death, before I can feel peaceful.

So instead, I can tell myself I may not be able to resolve every question, but I can learn to live with some uncertainty, right? And whatever my beliefs are about the afterlife or whatever that looks like, or maybe this is my life and after I'm gone, that's where it stops. I just need to find some peace with whatever that is, right? Because we can't— Prove what's going to happen after. That really comes from your belief system.

And to live with that uncertainty can be a very powerful place to be.

So those are some, you know, cognitive distortions that are probably coming up that, you know, explain the hot thoughts you're having and a new way of thinking about it. So let me talk to you also. I got some exercises I want you to Ask yourself to help you work through your concerns about aging and dying, right? So I know I keep talking about fear, but that's a big part of this. And again, that's a mood, but I want you to identify what is the fear beneath the fear.

So this is where we get to those underlying hot thoughts I talked to you about that I really want you to take the time, really write down all of your thoughts. That's why you wanna put it on paper. Because we have so many thoughts that we're just not aware of, right? I always tell you guys, we have thousands and thousands every day. So sometimes, you know, our fear of aging hides in more like specific concerns.

So I'll give you an example, like a fear of getting older, as I said earlier, may be more about that fear of losing independence, being a burden, being forgotten, or even experiencing pain. You know, being a burden is a big one. I know for parents, even I'm a parent. I, yeah, I don't wanna be a burden. I'm, I always remembered, I don't know why I remember this, but I remembered when I was a kid, my dad would go to the vet, the VA hospital.

He was a veteran. And I remember he said, oh, you know, when I can't take care of myself anymore, Julie, you know, just drop me off here. I was like, are you kidding me? Like when I was a kid, you know, as a child, it was a scary place to go. There's a lot of, you know, people there that had a lot of major injuries from being in war.

And, you know, it was not a warm place as a child. I hope it looks different today, but just that was my perspective as a little kid when I would go with him. And I'm like, I'm not just dropping you off here. But the whole point is he didn't wanna be a burden, you know? And I'm like, no, we're gonna, you know, let's make plans so you can take care of yourself and we can be there to support you.

And that is what happened before my dad passed, which I was really happy about. But the point was, you know, I don't want to be a burden. My mom didn't want to be a burden. I mean, who wants to be a burden, right? You don't want your kids there taking care of you.

So that can definitely be the fear beneath the fear, right? So ask yourself, you know, what specifically frightens you about aging or dying? You know, what are you imagining is going to happen? You know, what would the outcome mean about me and my life if that actually did happen, the fear I have? And what can I influence in my life today?

And what must I learn to accept? Right? Acceptance is really important here. Really important. The next thing I want you to do is, of course, challenge the thought.

Right? I want you to write down whatever your hot thought is, distressing thought. Maybe it's you know my best years are behind me. That's pretty depressing, right? Then you can ask yourself, you know, what evidence supports this thought?

What evidence does not support it? You know, am I confusing a change in my circumstance with a loss of my worth? I'm going to read that one again. Am I confusing a change in my circumstances with a loss of my worth? Am I less worthy because my circumstances have changed?

I would say no. But that is something for you to look at. What would I say to someone I love who had this thought? It's always a great question, right? So maybe a more balanced thought instead of my best years are behind me might be that some experiences belong to the past and I can grieve them.

That doesn't mean my present and future cannot contain love, growth, or joy.

Again, let's just pause and breathe. That feels better saying that out loud. I also want you to shift from living in the future to being present, right? When you're anxious about death, it can take you away from the life you're living now. You can't be present when you're thinking about the future, and anxiety is all about the future and the unknown, the uncertainty.

So if you notice you're asking yourself, or thinking I should say, you know, what if I lose everything someday? Instead, just say, you know, what's happening in my life today? What's one thing, one thing I can appreciate right now?

What meaningful action can I take today? I appreciate right now just being here with you guys and sharing this and hoping that this helps. That's one thing I appreciate right now. This is not me saying you have to be positive by any way, because you know this is not about positive thinking, but it's more of a way to prevent fear of your future from taking over your present. So I tell people all the time, you know, being present is really hard.

All you need to do though, when you're feeling a negative mood, is to come back to the present. So say today is, you know, Monday. You want to say, okay, today is Monday. It's 11:00 AM. What do I need to be doing right now?

What is the next designated step for me to take in my day? And you can do that 5, 10, 15, 20 times a day if you're really struggling about being present. Right? Also, you know, be in touch with your body. You know, feel the ground under your feet, touch something near you, focus on something, take a deep breath in.

What are the smells around you? You know, hopefully something more calming, that kind of thing. But being present is what it's all about, because literally it is all we have. You know, I can worry all day long that maybe my cancer would come back. It's not— hopefully that won't happen.

And it's still not going to change how I'm going to feel if that ever did happen, right? Like, it's just worrying is just using up my time today, and I'm not going to allow that to, to be, you know, my reality. I'm going to be more present.

And again, it's not, you know, perfection, it's progress, right? Progress, not perfection. I'm going to get out of the day sometimes, but I have tools to bring myself back. You also want to make room for what you cannot control. 'Cause there's a lot we can't control, right?

So divide your concerns into 2 categories. So you want to think about things you can influence. So that would be like maintaining your relationships, maybe discussing healthcare preferences with family, right? So they know what you want. Adapting to physical changes.

I've done that. Seeking support. And, you know, decide how do you want to spend your time? What will give you the most meaning? And then the other category is things you cannot fully control.

So part of that is just the passage of time, right? You can't control every health outcome. You can't control other people's lifespans and the ultimate uncertainty surrounding death that we can't control, right? Instead, you want to practice investing your energy in the things you can control and gradually make some peace with the second. Because it's not easy.

Just because I say, you know, you need to come up with some ways to find peace, it's like, well, how am I even going to get there? You got to give yourself some time, right? And one way of doing that is, of course, thinking about it differently, right? So I'm going to give you a little example here of, you know, if you resign to a thought versus if you accept a thought. All right, so let me give you a few examples of what that looks like.

So Resignation might say, like, you know, you may tell yourself, I'm getting older, so there is nothing left to look forward to, right? And instead, you can accept that your life is changing. You can grieve what you lost, but you can still be part of what is going on in your life today. That's, that's from resignation to acceptance. I'll give you another example.

Resignation, you may tell yourself that death makes everything meaningless. Instead, the fact that life is finite might make my relationships, my experiences, and my choices more meaningful. Right? If you allow that to be. That's what, you know, knowing that we don't have all the time in the world.

How am I going to live my life today? And how am I going to make my relationships more meaningful? My experiences, the choices I make. I'll give you one more example of resignation would be that I should— we don't like shoulds, they're shaming, right? I should not feel afraid.

And acceptance would be that fear is a human response. I can acknowledge it without letting it dictate every decision. I don't want it to dictate any of my decisions. Again, fear is a mood. What am I thinking?

Because I'm going to make decisions based on what's best for me. Not how I feel. And using your tools, as always, can help you challenge these unhelpful beliefs, right? And some other tools outside of CBT, or part of CBT, I guess I could say as well, kind of, you know, overlapping, is, you know, mindfulness. Um, there's a therapy called ACT, which is, um, acceptance therapy.

Those are some different approaches, and they can make room for all of these emotions and all these uncertainties. That we can't just reason away, right? We're not— I'm not here for you to say, oh well, whatever. Oh, I don't need to be afraid of that. Like, these are real things.

I'm just wanting you to use your CBT tools to find a little more peace so they don't get in the way of your life. And one other thing you can do too is, you know, just find some meaning in the later times of your life. You know, as you're getting older, you can have questions, you know, that aren't just about anxiety, but, you know, Who am I now? What matters most to you? What do you want to leave behind?

What's your legacy look like? And how do I want to live with the time I have? So this is just finding some more meaning in your life, right? You might want to explore your relationships. You know, ask yourself, is there someone I want to reconnect with?

Is there someone I want to forgive? Is there someone I want to spend more time with? I feel like I have definitely done this with some friendships that I've connected with a couple old friends and really taken the time and been able to spend time with and just really, really enjoyed that time. And that's been important to me. And relationships have always been very important to me.

And I will say, give myself a pat on the back, I've always been good about reaching out, staying in touch in different ways, because that has meaning to me. So I put the time into it. Also, what's the purpose of my life, right? What gives my life meaning beyond my work? What I look like, my productivity, or my previous roles?

What gives me purpose today? That might change, right? What gave me purpose before, 10, 20 years ago, might not be what gives me purpose today. And it may change as I get older too. But what is that for me today?

Because this is all I have, right? I'm living today. Give yourself some self-compassion, as always. You know, can I treat my older self with the same kindness I would offer to someone else? How, how would I answer these questions and these concerns if I was having this conversation, which is a great conversation to have with friends and family as you're aging and your concerns?

You know, what would I say to someone else? What kind of compassion would I give them? I'm going to give to myself. As I mentioned earlier, your legacy. You know, what are your values?

What stories do you want to share? What lessons do you want to leave behind? You know, or what expressions of love Would you like to pass on? If you have something special you want to leave to someone in your life that meant a lot to you and you hope will mean a lot to them. You know, many of us, I think, have, you know, maybe a piece of jewelry, a book, you know, maybe some artwork, something that our parents had in their home, right?

That every time they look at it, you know, it just reminds you and, you know, gives you a little warmth in your heart and a smile on your face, just reminds you of your loved one. You know, so, you know, do you have something that you say, you know, tell someone, you know, when I'm not here, I really like you to have this, and you can write that down to make sure that happens. So think about your legacy. Are there stories you haven't shared yet with your family or friends or your kids that you want them to know about you? Something my sister did, which I was so grateful, is years and years ago, my dad was well.

He's passed now, but, you know, when he was, you know, cognitively sharp and all that, She took 4 hours of video with him and had him just tell his life story. And we found out some things we didn't know. And I have that forever, forever and ever. And I'm grateful. And I can share that with my kids and they can share it with their kids.

And, you know, we knew after my dad passed, some stories were just gonna get lost. He remembered everything. And we still say, oh, you guys remember who was that? Or if I see a picture, I'm like, oh, I wish dad was here. 'Cause I don't know who's in the picture.

So, you know, Doing that now, I share the story with a lot of my clients, like, hey, you know, do a video with your parents. Now we got iPhones, we got all these easy ways to, you know, do these videos and store it. You know, that is a legacy that will be on forever. Or if you want to do videos yourself and share stories or, you know, lessons you hope to share with your kids that they'll always remember, you know, these are things you can do. So you can be creative and focusing on the presence.

You know, what are you? What are the ordinary experience do you want to notice and appreciate right now rather than postponing? Right. A lot of people, for example, say, "Oh, when I retire, I'll start traveling." Well, you know what? I don't know what that looks like.

I'm hoping I'll retire and I'll be well, and I'll be able to travel and do things I want to do. I don't know if I can do them now. I'm going to do them now while I'm healthy and able and you know willing and all of those things. So. You know, sure, when you retire, you may take bigger trips or go away for longer.

You know, whatever that looks like for you. But if you can do anything right now, don't postpone it because right now you know that you're well. And you also don't need to resolve every regret. You don't have to accomplish every dream, and you don't have to eliminate all your fears to live meaningfully. These fears are going to come up, and you can squash them with your.

Balanced thought, right? So I'm not saying that, oh, I'm just going to get rid of it. I'm never going to feel fear again, but just acknowledge and accept it's going to come up. But I know what to do when that happens. If your thoughts really become persistent about death, or they interfere with your life daily, or they lead you to avoid activities, relationships, you know, go seek out a therapist.

Help someone, you know, work you through them. I've had people come to me and say, Say I'm just here because I'm getting older and I hate it, and I want to talk to somebody about it because I want to find a way to accept it while I am here and be able to notice all the great things I still have in my life.

So think about you know where are you emotionally, and would it help to go get some help? Right.

Let me share you one last thought record as well about your fear of getting older. So using your thought record, right, to ask yourself, you know, what happened or triggered when the fear of death came up, right? So maybe the situation was that you realized you were getting older and that your time was limited. Maybe because, you know, maybe you just were at a funeral, maybe you just visited a sick friend, whatever may have happened. And then what was your hot thought?

Your hot thought might have been that I'm afraid I'll lose the things that make my life meaningful. Right. That's reasonable that you're afraid, but the hot thought in there is that you're going to lose things that make your life meaningful, right? That might make you feel anxious, might make you feel sad. What evidence do you have to support that, right?

Well, life does change with age and some losses are inevitable. That is a fact, right? That is evidence that supports your hot thought, right? The evidence that doesn't support it, of course, is that I don't know what the future will bring. And I can always make my life meaningful in any way that I choose to.

So a more balanced thought would be that, you know, I can't prevent every loss, but I can nurture the relationships I have today. I can adapt to the changes that are showing up in my life, and I can find meaning in the life I have now. So what would be one small action you could take today? I would say reach out to someone you care about and do one meaningful thing today. Today, whatever that is, nobody has to even know about it.

It's just for you. And again, remember, think about the difference I was saying about acceptance and resignation, right? One of the most important distinctions in working with the fear of aging and death is that acceptance does not mean giving up on life. You just accept where you're at.

So let me give you just a final point here. I know I went over a lot. But I think it was a good topic, and it was good for me too to think about because I'm aging with you guys just as well. So maybe, you know, the goal is not to reach a point where your aging no longer frightens you, right? Or that death never crosses your mind.

But the goal is to develop a different relationship with these realities in our lives so we can acknowledge that life is finite without treating every day as an emergency, right? A lot of people live their lives like that. Everything's urgent or emergency. And we can grieve what is changing without deciding that everything good is over. And we can also accept uncertainty without requiring ourselves to solve the mysteries of existence.

That just takes a load off my shoulders, saying that out loud, right? I'm going to read it to you one more time before we go here. We can acknowledge that life is finite without treating every day as an emergency. We can grieve what is changing without deciding that everything good is over. And we can accept uncertainty without requiring, requiring ourselves to solve the mysteries of existence.

That just takes a load off our shoulders. It helps me be more present. Like, okay, if I don't have to worry about all that, what am I going to do with my day-to-day that's going to make me feel good and create some meaning? Is there somebody I'm going to reach out to? Is there something I'm going to do for myself?

Right? What does that look like?

So a helpful CBT reminder, right, is you can't control the passage of time and you can't know everything about the future, but you can acknowledge your fears. You can respond to the thoughts that intensify these fears and create them, and you can choose to live With as much meaning, connection, and compassion as you choose today.

So thanks for being with me. Please share this with anyone else that you feel may benefit. You know where to find me. My website is mycognitivebehavioraltherapy.com.

You can also find me on Instagram under My CBT Podcast. And then on Facebook, on TikTok, on YouTube is under Dr. Julie Osborn. So please keep sharing your thoughts, your concerns, your questions. I love hearing from you guys and getting your feedback. Please hit the subscribe button to make sure you never miss an episode.

It's free. It doesn't commit you to anything. It's just that you'll get notification when my new episodes come out.

And remember to make decisions based on what's best for you, not how you feel.